Author's Note: Yes, we are getting close to the end of this story :) hope you enjoy this latest installment.

Also, turns out I'm not going to Berberati for two weeks, blargh. So you guys are stuck with me and my lost dream. :P

Chapter 24:

Natasha missed Laura and the kids within minutes of leaving the farm. She had stayed for a day and a half before deciding that they couldn't stay any longer. They had a job to do and though Laura's comment to Clint about giving it all up would be almost heavenly, heavenly wasn't something that Natasha deserved, she needed to keep fighting.

Time away had been a good thing. Things between herself and Bruce had sparked so suddenly that she had gotten caught up in it, caught in something that she said she never would, caught in a web of feelings that she brought upon herself. It had seemed like a good thing while it was happening, though she didn't understand why, she wouldn't know a good thing if it lit up as 'good thing' in bright neon lights. Natasha had told Tony that she wouldn't let her emotions get the better of her again, then Bruce had gifted her specially-crafted weapons, and further evoked her 'emotions'. He had said a lot of things in ways that tore at her blackened soul and shed the tiniest pin-light on it. Calling her breathtaking, saying she enchanted him; Natasha wasn't honed and crafted to fall for things like that. Red Room and the KGB had crafted her to feel nothing at all.

She honestly sure which one was worse, feeling whatever this was for Bruce, or feeling nothing at all. She needed this step back and away from Bruce to gain perspective, she needed these few days to get her head back on straight, though she wasn't certain it was working. It wasn't safe to feel anything for anyone and it would only lead to one of them getting hurt, probably Bruce. Feeling nothing was the safest route, it always had been, it probably always would be.

And Bruce was just too damned nice.

"This wasn't here last time I was on the jet."

She glanced up to see what Clint was talking about and then smirked at the 'Jarvis is my co-pilot' bumper sticker. "It wasn't there when I left either," she informed him.

Clint bellowed out a laugh, "Stark's gonna love it."

"Unfortunately, that's probably true," Natasha agreed with a chuckle.

"You weren't honest with me," he reminded her. She arched an eyebrow up slightly at his comment and he emphasized further, "When I asked if you were alright back on the farm." She felt her brow ruffle just a bit but she still didn't answer him. "Usually you don't sleep much at all when you stay over, yet you were asleep within a half hour of getting to the house, Nat."

"And then I didn't sleep again after that, it's nothing, Clint.."

"It's not nothing and we both know it. Something happened," Clint stated as he shifted to auto-pilot and came to take a seat next to her. "I know it's been a while, but talk to me," he added.

She smiled a little at the ridiculous little puppy-dog look he gave her as she shook her head. "I have a trigger that turns me into a complete psychopath," she told him bluntly, "I didn't know, not until I stabbed Rogers, tried to shoot him and then nearly killed Stark when I fried his suit."

"You...what?"

"Yeah, trust me, it surprised everyone," Natasha informed him as she leaned her head against the wall of the jet. "Also found my Red Room file," and that seemed to surprise Clint even more than the news about the trigger. "So...I haven't slept well."

Clint's eyes softened instantly, "Nat..."

"I'm just tired," she insisted.

Clint looked unsure, "How'd they snap you out of it?"

"Luck," she answered with a small shrug. "It was just noise, that was all it took, and I turned into everything I used to be. Worse than that, actually. What if that had happened anywhere else? A mission with just us? On the SHIELD base? At your home, Clint, I could have—"

"First, it never did, so there's no point in beating a dead horse," he reminded her. "You've never, and would never hurt my family, Nat...you're part of my family."

"I would if that trigger went off," she told him as she rubbed at her eyes.

Natasha felt Clint drape his arm across her shoulders and she sighed as he spoke again, "That why you're sleeping worse than usual?"

"It's all I can think about." That and the fact that she pathetically missed Bruce. She definitely needed to take more space from him even at the tower. It was all too much, too soon, too fast.

Clint seemed to see right through her, "That's all?"

"That's all."

He looked doubtful, but fortunately, he was her best friend for good reason. Clint knew when to drop subjects and he seemed to understand that this was one of those times. "Alright, so I take it Stark figured out the trigger?"

"He figured out how to activate it," Natasha answered with the barest of shrugs, "we still don't have the noise that deactivates it."

"And yet you're you..."

"Yeah," she stated, "Banner managed to talk me back into myself."

Clint arched an eyebrow up, "Banner did?"

She kept her expression schooled at that, "Ironic, I know."

He snickered, "That's one word for it. You and him finally getting along?"

"That's one way to put it," she mocked with a smirk. "We're friends, I guess," she informed him nonchalantly. Of course, 'friends' was putting it mildly, if 'friends' started sharing the bed and kissing. The former wasn't too odd given that she and Clint often did that over the years, but she had never kissed him, though at one point she had thought she wanted to. Just when the idea that it could work crossed her mind, he had introduced her to his wife and son, and reality reminded her that she had nothing to offer him or anyone else.

And what exactly did she have to offer Bruce? He had kissed her first, that much was obvious, but she had pursued this, not Bruce. He reluctantly went along with it just before they went to Africa. That would be a mere nine days by the time they got back to the tower, more than half of which she hadn't even spent in his presence. Why the hell had she so easily gotten attached to him?

The answer lingered for a moment before it came to her. It hadn't been sudden at all. Bruce had grown on her over a period of time, she just hadn't acknowledged it until he kissed her, which reminded her of one other thing; Bruce had only kissed her once. Every other kiss they shared, she initiated, and they were all so simple and chaste. He admitted that he didn't know if they could actually work, and she had admitted the same...

Natasha thought that maybe it was time to admit that she wasn't cut out for a relationship. Bruce had been reluctant to all of it right up until she tried to push him away. He seemed determined to stay that day, just as he had been determined to make her feel better after that trainwreck of a nightmare before she came to the farm. She was letting herself rely on him, in ways that she didn't even allow herself to rely on Clint, and taking a few steps back was the only choice here.

She couldn't afford to lose herself to emotions and feelings.

"Have you talked to Rogers?"

"No," she answered as she rested her head on Clint's shoulder. "What was I supposed to say to him? 'Sorry I tried to kill you'?"

"Might be a good place to start," he offered up with a chuckle. "And he's Steve Rogers. He's not going to hold it against you."

Natasha supposed that was true enough. She would just have to give it a shot. She had avoided Steve and he had given her space to figure everything out. She supposed she should try to mend that bridge before it burned to ashes.

"Still tired?" Clint questioned.

"Exhausted."

"Get some sleep."

She frowned a little at the suggestion but kept quiet as she closed her eyes. Feigning sleep was useless with Clint, they both knew it, but he let her rest against him and pretend anyways. She waited a good thirty minutes before she broke the silence, "Laura wants you to quit."

He huffed out a small laugh, "I knew you were awake for that. And I pretty much have..." That was true enough. "Maybe I'll do it officially after we finish this."

"You should."

"So should you."

She smiled a little, "I'll put it up for debate." She waited a moment, "Okay, debated it, decided against it."

Clint barked out a laugh, "One of these days, Nat, you'll find a reason to quit."

She snorted at that.

As soon as Clint got off the jet with Natasha, the first person he saw in the tower was Bruce. The way the awkward scientist's face lit up just at the sight of his best friend was enough to catch his interest, though when he turned to her, she was the epitome of neutrality. Clint rolled his eyes at her and nudged her with his elbow.

"What?" she questioned with a small quirk of her eyebrow.

Clint snickered before he clamped a hand on Bruce's shoulder as they walked up to him, "I hear you two are finally friends."

"Uh..." Bruce scratched the back of his head in obvious discomfort, "Yeah. I mean..." Clint chuckled when the scientist looked at Natasha with a little uncertainty before he asked her, "Right?"

Clint rolled his eyes again at her. She really needed to figure out how friendship worked when it wasn't with Clint himself. "The answer to that is," and he forced his voice into a higher pitch, "Yes, Banner. Nice to see you again."

Natasha shot him a dark look before she looked back to Bruce and mocked his voice, "Yes, Banner. Nice to see you again."

Clint had to give Bruce credit because the man looked highly entertained when the corners of his lips twitched into a grin. It seemed he didn't mind the bottomless void that usually encompassed Natasha's expression and that was impressive enough.

"Could we talk?" came Bruce's next question.

Clint glanced from the scientist to Natasha as she simply shrugged indifferently. "Maybe later," was her only answer as she stepped around him and went to the elevator.

Bruce frowned immediately and Clint watched as he looked back to him, "Did she sleep?"

That was surprising enough, but he supposed if Bruce and Natasha really were friends, then the other man would know something. "Yeah."

"But not much."

"Nope," Clint answered again. "Don't be to deterred with her rejection to talk, Doc. She gets like that," he explained with a smile. "I've known her ten years and she does it to me all the time. You get used to it. When she doesn't want to talk, she won't."

"Got it."

"But hey, it takes a lot for Natasha to say someone is her friend," Clint reassured him, "so congratulations on that."

He looked a little sheepish, "She said we were friends?"

"Well, she said friends, 'sort of'. That's about as friendly as Natasha gets," Clint assured him with a laugh. Still, he could see the way Bruce cringed at that, "Sorry. Look, I get it, man. She's hard to be friends with, but once you're friends, she's worth the trouble."

And Bruce smiled at that, "Glad you're back, Barton."

"Me too," Clint agreed with a chuckle.

When the knock sounded at her door, Natasha expected Bruce or Clint, she did not expect Pepper when she opened the door. Both her eyebrows arched up immediately at the other woman who smiled warmly and held up a pizza box and a bottle of wine, "I thought we could hang out. All that testosterone can't be good for you."

Natasha felt her lips quirk into an unbidden smile before she reluctantly stepped aside and let her in. "I guess," she agreed, if only because it seemed wrong not to. In a few months Pepper had only once entered into Natasha's room, which left her with one thought, that there was an ulterior motive behind this one.

Pepper didn't leave that ulterior motive as something to question for very long as she came in and sat down with her on the couch. "Bruce keeps harping like a girl about how he doesn't know what you two are," she stated as she opened the pizza box. "See, Bruce talks to Tony about these things, Tony talks to me and then I just sit here and think... who do you talk to?"

"I'm not sure I understand where this is going," Natasha told her as she took a slice of pizza from the box, took a bite, and chewed Pepper's words over literally and figuratively. "Why does it matter who I talk to?"

Pepper looked a little befuddled for a moment. "We all need someone to talk to about things," she insisted.

"I talk to Barton."

Pepper chuckled, "Yeah—so did you talk to Barton about Bruce?"

Natasha narrowed her eyes a little, "I told him we were friends."

"So you lied. You need someone to talk to who isn't of the male variety."

Normally that was something that Natasha did with Laura, but what she told Laura, Clint would know too. She eyed Pepper in uncertainty as she took another bite of the pizza. "I don't need to talk," she informed her.

Pepper didn't look like she minded as she ate her own slice of pizza, "You don't have to, it was just an offer, but maybe you don't mind if I talk?"

Natasha's brow wrinkled a little in response before she sighed, "I'll go get the wine glasses then."

This wasn't about Pepper needing to talk, or wanting to hear about Natasha's feelings, it was obvious that the other woman was here to scope things out on Bruce's behalf. In a way it was nice to know that Pepper cared for Bruce enough to do it, but on the other hand, it was a little sad that she thought she could spy on a spy. Still, Natasha took the glasses from the cabinet and came back to sit beside Pepper, holding them out while the other woman filled them.

"Actually, I was more or less hoping you could help me with something," Pepper admitted.

"I'm listening..."

"It involves messing with Tony."

"And now I'm really listening," Natasha admitted with a smirk.

Pepper laughed at that as she sipped at her wine, "So here's how it went down. There was a sort of bet, where Tony bet me an engagement ring if I could get you to have girl talk."

Natasha snorted out a laugh in an instant, "That's one way to get out of a proposal."

"Mmm... of course, I don't think he counted on a few simple facts. One: not a chance in hell would I accept a proposal through a bet. Two: I'm not arrogant enough to think I could convince you to have girl talk. Three: Will you be my fake maid of honor?"

Natasha blinked at that a few times, "Your...what?"

"Fake maid of honor," Pepper tacked on with a grin. "Tell that man we talked all night so I can make him think he has to marry me."

Natasha laughed in an instant, "In that case I would love to be your fake maid of honor."

Pepper smiled happily, "I knew you'd get in on this. But just so you know, my offer to listen, always available. Bruce might be my friend, but I'd like to think you and I could be friends too, so if you wanted to talk then I won't tell him."

She sipped her wine and took another slice of pizza as she thought that over. It would be good to talk to someone who actually knew what the hell was going on with herself and Bruce. On the other hand, she wasn't sure she trusted Pepper to actually keep that promise.

"Bruce is just worried."

Natasha shook her head and talked nonetheless, and she told herself that it was for the sake of the bet that she did so, "You mean Bruce says he can't have more and he's worried that I want more."

Pepper bit down on her lower lip before she nodded, "Yeah."

"I don't."

And she could see the way Pepper grimaced at that comment, "I hate to tell you this, but deep down we all want more, Natasha."

Natasha shrugged at that, "I don't have a deep down."

"I don't believe that," Pepper stated as she sipped at her wine. "You care about Bruce, Tony is always jabbering about how different you are around him and how different Bruce is around you." Natasha narrowed her eyes slightly but Pepper continued, "Like I said... Bruce talks to Tony, Tony talks to me...or talks at me, whatever."

She huffed out an annoyed chuckle, "Look. You don't have to sit here, drink wine and eat pizza with me, you can go back there and tell them that I don't want more."

"Natasha..."

"Look, I have had days to think about all this and I'm not somebody who goes around initiating relationships with everyone I see, my code name isn't who I am, it's a job," Natasha informed her as she refilled her wine glass. "I started this, I pushed Bruce into whatever we are, which really isn't much," and she could see Pepper's worrisome look at that comment so she finished, "I need time to think."

Pepper looked more than worried now, "Is that because I came here to talk to you? Natasha..."

"Pepper this is because I don't know what I'm doing. Bruce doesn't think that whatever this is will work anyways and I can't say that I think he's wrong," she stated as she drank more of the wine. "I have never in my life said that I didn't know what I was doing, but that's the case with Bruce, so I need to step back."

The other woman frowned but she also seemed like she understood all at the same time. "It's alright to not know what you're doing. I don't know what I'm doing three-fourths of the time with Tony."

Natasha laughed in an instant, "That's a little different."

"Tony's a little different," Pepper answered with a smile. "You're different too and so is Bruce. If you feel like you need to take a step back, then take a step back, that's alright. So is that something you want me to tell him? That you need space?"

It seemed wrong to have Pepper tell him that for her, but she really did need a few more days to think through it all, maybe it was the best way.

"I can do that if you want..." Pepper added with a small smile, "or I could go get him, so you can tell him what you just told me."

That was probably the best idea, "I suppose."

Pepper put the wine glass down. "Alright," she agreed, "and Natasha?" She glanced up at Pepper as she stood. "Anytime you want to talk, you can talk to me, and I can keep a secret."

Natasha smiled a little at that, "Thanks."

She watched Pepper leave and she wondered how long it would be before Bruce was at her door. She closed her eyes and rubbed at her temples as she leaned back on the couch to think. Most days now her dreams were willing with memories, memories that she wasn't sure were real, or fabricated by drugs or Red Room and the KGB.

"We could run, Natalia, run and never look back. We have been here for so long that we did not know any better, but life is not supposed to be like this, we are not supposed to be like this."

"You're wrong. This is what I am, what you are, what we're supposed to be."

"It does not have to be. You could dance for real, be the ballerina that you were meant to be."

"That's not who I was meant to be."

"It is exactly who you were meant to be."

"Where could we go? Where could we run that they would never find me?"

"We can find somewhere."

"And who were you meant to be, Nikolao?"

"Your protector."

"Natasha?" She glanced up and blinked several times as Bruce crouched in front of her. "Pepper said you wanted to talk but you were sleeping and—did I sneak up on you?" He had and that was more than a little disconcerting. He rested one hand on her knee and the other brushed against her cheek as his thumb grazed her lip, "Come on, you should go to bed."

She was tired enough to forget that she wanted her space. "That's just it..." she told him, "sleeping is the problem."

His concerned eyes never wavered, "C'mon, go lay down." Natasha nodded her head slightly as he pulled her to her feet and she followed him in a half-asleep daze. She was under the covers in her bed within two minutes when Bruce's voice broke through the haze, "Want me to stay...or go?"

She honestly wasn't sure what she wanted right now and her voice didn't cooperate. He seemed a little uncertain but he moved into the bed on the other side of her and Natasha didn't breathe a word to make him think he should do otherwise. Instead she allowed him to pull her closer and she rested her head on his chest and let sleep overtake her to the beat of his heart.

"We did it, Natalia. We did. You are free..."

"Am I?"

"They have not found us."

"You drugged me, you killed our handler, and you have me tied to a chair. How is this freedom?"

"You will see soon, I will protect you."

"They'll kill you for this, if I don't kill you first, that is."

"Natalia, I know what we were made to be but that is not who we have to be now. I can fix this. I can fix you. You do not have to be their weapon, I have the drugs."

"Don't you dare drug me again."

"You will thank me one day."

"You are a traitor. What happened to you?"

"There was a noise, Natalia, it freed my mind."

"I think it made you lose it."

She woke up when reality shattered, when Nikolao's face transformed, when his face became that of a monstrous demon from the mixture of drugs.

"Natasha, Natasha wake up!" Her eyes opened to meet worried brown ones and she had Bruce beneath her on the floor. It didn't seem like she had done anything to actually hurt him, no weapons in her hands, no hands around his throat. "Natasha, are you okay?"

She rolled off him quickly, "Yes... are you? Did I—"

"I'm fine," he assured her, "you were freaking out a little...something about drugging you."

"It was a memory I think. I need to figure out the trigger, I need to know I can't become him," she mumbled out. "I need you to put me back in the cage and you need to get Stark."

He looked wary about the idea but Bruce nodded nonetheless, "Him?"

"Constantin."

Bruce's hands held a gentle grip on her arms, anchoring her as he tried to absorb that, "I don't think I get it... but okay. Let's go."

She nodded as she followed after him and they were both silent as they went down to the lab. She didn't feel any less exhausted than she had before and she stepped into the Hulk cage in that same silence even as Tony came in rubbing his eyes.

"This couldn't wait?" he grumbled out.

"No," Bruce answered quickly, "Just...she needs you to do this, Tony." The billionaire's gaze became more alert as he looked at her in the cage with a frown. "We have to find the trigger that brings her back."

"Okay," Tony sighed as he put the little rubber circles on both of her temples before he exited the cage and sat at the computer. "Ready to go, Red?"

"Do it."

Natasha locked eyes with Bruce as the noise pierced her ears. When it went quiet, she glanced between Tony and Bruce before Tony's confused expression and voice hit her, "Your brainwaves aren't changing. At all."

"Well, did you use the right one?" Natasha questioned with frustration.

"Listen to you...did I use the right—of course I used the right one," Tony groaned out with a roll of his eyes. "Jarvis, tell her we used the right one."

"We did, sir."

"Try again." Tony gave her a dirty look before the noise hit her again, and again, nothing happened. "Why isn't it working?"

Tony shrugged, "Got me."

She huffed out a breath of frustration but Bruce opened the cage and moved in front of her, "Natasha. I think you broke their programming."

"That's impossible, I didn't do anything."

"Yeah...you did," Bruce stated quickly, "you didn't use the trigger to go back to yourself last time. You broke through it on your own. You broke their programming..."

Natasha wasn't sure what to do with that information, she wasn't sure how to accept that, or even if she was willing to believe it.

"I'll just...go back to bed now," Tony mumbled as he glanced between them before making a beeline out of the lab.

It was only a few seconds after that when Bruce placed his hands on either side of her face, forced her eyes to meet his again, then pressed his lips against hers. Just like that first time he kissed her, all coherent thought left her, like the fact that she still hadn't told him she wanted time to think. Her fingertips gripped the front of his shirt and instead she tugged him closer, until she remembered that was a bad idea, until his heart started to beat faster. She released him a moment later and pulled away, locking eyes with him once more, but still a different set of words left her lips, "I told you I would tell you if I changed my mind about wanting more."

Bruce looked at least slightly embarrassed about that, "I know..."

"You didn't need to send Pepper to ask me."

"I know—I didn't really send her, she sort of has a mind of her own. Sorry about that..." It was so Bruce-like to apologize for something someone else decided to do that she smiled just a little. Just when she opened her mouth to explain the 'needing a break' thing, he spoke again, "Should we have a date?"

"A-a what?" and did she just stutter?

Bruce grinned in that embarrassed little manner that was dorkishly adorable and he repeated himself, "A date. I mean... not outside the tower, because last time we went out that went pretty terrible."

"You're asking me on a date?" she questioned with an amused arch of her eyebrow.

"Uh, yes. Well, sort of. As datelike as a date could really be in the tower."

Natasha was silent at that. It seemed horrible to tell him no and suddenly the earlier idea that she needed to think about all this was almost forgotten. "Like a movie?" she questioned as she blinked a few times.

"See? That's what I said..." Bruce mumbled before he chuckled. "Tony and Pepper said we needed a date that didn't include movies."

Natasha just shrugged, "I happen to like the old movies."

It seemed like it was the right answer because Bruce smiled, "Me too."

"I also happen to prefer what we have right now so I need you to tell me if that's not enough, Bruce," she finally stated. "Everyone keeps asking what I want, if I want more, but what about you?"

"I...maybe. I don't know," Bruce admitted as he scratched the back of his head.

"And neither do I," Natasha told him. "I'm going to be honest, I was about to tell you that I thought this needed to stop before you kissed me. I was about to do it again before you asked about the date..."

Bruce looked a little wounded at the idea and she sighed. Finally he asked the question that she had been asking herself, "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

She did, but at the same time, she didn't. "I don't know what I want," she finally answered with a shake of her head. "My experience with relationships are all based on missions, on lies, on sex. I'm going to screw this up," she explained, and of course, that was if she hadn't just screwed it up already, "especially since I can't distract you from my mistakes by getting undressed and taking you to bed."

He turned beet red at the very idea of it and she chuckled a little. "I'll mess up too," came his unexpected reply. "Everyone messes up though, right?" he asked. She supposed that was true. "Tony messes up about five or six times a day and him and Pepper still manage," he mentioned with a smile and that made her laugh.

"That's probably true..." Natasha muttered with a bemused shake of her head. "So, I don't know what I want. You don't know what you want."

"That's okay with me," Bruce told her quickly. "But if you wanted to just, you know, stop? Then that's okay too, I won't be mad or upset, I get it."

He was giving her the out that her mind told her to take. He was giving her a chance to just go back to the way things were before. Now that she had the out, she didn't want it. "Let's just...do whatever we're doing now. It's working, right?" she dared to ask.

"Yeah, I mean...I think it is."

The doors to the lab swished open and she took a step away from Bruce as she turned to look at who was entering.

"Hey, Nat. Been looking for you."

She arched an eyebrow up at Steve and she was surprised that though Bruce fidgeted a little, he gave no notion to the conversation they just held. "What's up?"

Steve just gave her a tiny little smile, "Barton said you wanted to spar, unless I'm interrupting..."

Natasha rolled her eyes, gave Bruce a wry little smile, then made her way over towards Steve. "Beating you up is always on my to-do list, Rogers," she assured him. "How's the shoulder?"

"It's good."

"Barton also said I'm supposed to say I'm sorry I tried to kill you," she told him and she quirked an eyebrow up as she studied his expression and awaited his response.

Steve took her comment for exactly the apology it actually was and he chuckled, "Don't worry about it, it's already forgotten. How many knives do you carry anyways?"

"Six."

"Two in the boots, two under your cuffs, one at the waist...where do you keep the sixth?" Bruce questioned.

She waved at Bruce over her shoulder and ignored his chuckle as she followed the supersoldier out of the lab, "That's my secret, Bruce."

Steve gave her a quizzical look, "Seriously...where's the sixth?"

"Yeah, I'm not telling you either, Cap."

Silly Hawkeye.

:)