MCU (c) Marvel Studios

If I break the glass, then I'll have to fly. There's no one to catch me if I take a dive, I'm scared of changing, the days stay the same. The world is spinning but only in gray. Somebody shine a light, I'm frozen by the fear in me. Somebody make me feel alive and shatter me! — Lindsey Stirling featuring Lzzy Hale

One year earlier —

She didn't like dealing with heads of state. It was a typical reaction for most field agents to detest the ones stuck behind the desk. They didn't understand what it was like to bond with teammates, to make choices between two evils, life and death. They didn't understand that sometimes rules were bent or broken in order to do their jobs properly. Ross was just like any other desk jockey. The Kremlin had them, DC had them; two different countries, same breed. It never changed. "You signed the Sokovia Accords."

"Yes." His computer made a soft humming sound. Behind the doors the elevator dinged, she heard voices and footsteps walking away from the door. The tap-tap of his pen against his mahogany desk. She blinked, shifting in her chair already planning escape routes in case things got dicey; Red Room training never dies. "I did."

"Yet you still let Steve Rogers and James Barnes escaped." Ross gave her a hard look. "Prince T'Challa informed me of your actions."

"Yes." Why was this guy stating the obvious? She wasn't going to deny that she helped Steve and Bucky. Tony assured her that if worse came to worse he'll pull some fancy legal maneuver — throw money at the situation — and it'll go away. "I did."

"You knew that was in violation of the Accords, correct?"

"I'm well aware of the legality of my actions," she said. "I knew what I was doing when I took those actions." She gave him a viper's smile. "But the fact is you fear me, yet you need me. I'm the best spy this country has, and you know it."

"You know I can have you arrested."

"I've escaped prison before." She shrugged. "You want to ask me something, so ask it. Are you going to arrest me?"

It was Ross's turn to look uncomfortable. She had that effect on some men. Men with no spine and secretly feared the power of a woman. True, she'll never be as strong as Steve or Bucky or Tony, but she had her abilities. A smile here, a touch there, a charming word and she could topple governments. She once got Steve to agree to something utterly ridiculous by using her feminine charms (that had been a fun challenge and it made her realize how much she loathed manipulating him). Everyone had laughed at his expense, but he took it in stride. "We…" he swallowed, "we haven't decided yet if we should."

"And what will make you decide?" she asked, leaning back a little. She had already decided that whatever outcome this meeting held, she was going to find Steve. She told Tony this feud between them needed to stop otherwise more innocent people would get hurt, plus Tony… there was a darkness in Tony she couldn't place. Or maybe she could, she just didn't want to admit it to herself.

"Why did you do it?" Ross asked. She blinked, slow and cat like as she laced her fingers together. The ceiling was rather interesting in the moment as she pondered her reply. "Agent Romanoff?"

"When I was a girl, I heard stories of the fabled Captain America. Even when I was in the Red Room, I heard about him. I heard about his unshakable moral fiber, how he stuck to his convictions no matter what. I never believed it, though. How could a man like him even exist? But you know what?"

"I'm not interested in a story about your personal history, Agent."

"He instilled hope in me. Hope for what, I didn't know, not as a child, but seeing him defended Bucky, believe in Bucky when nobody else would and they were ready to string him up. To defend Bucky even after he learned that his best friend killed Stark's parents…" she paused, "I knew then, that such a man existed. And I knew then, I had made a mistake." She stood up, tugging at her shirt. "Arrest me if you want, sir, but know this I believe in Steve Rogers, I believe in what he stands for and the hope he inspires in people." She smiled at him. "Good day." And left the office, knowing full well she probably just guaranteed her arrest warrant. Doesn't matter, she told herself as she headed to the elevator and press the down button, I followed my heart in that hanger and my heart lies with Steve Rogers.

Russia — present day

She spun around, batons flying as she hit the men in their weak spots. Still, she kept trying to find an escape; outnumbered and outgunned, these men wanted the bounty on her head. She probably should have left Russia alone, probably should have never agreed to the job in Russia. But she was desperate for some work, and it sounded easy enough. The job was a success, but it was getting back to her crummy hotel room that was proving the real challenge.

She jumped a leg swipe, turning it into a rabbit kick, the man staggering back into his fellows as she landed gracefully before stabbing another in his gut, aiming for the pressure points on the body. He crumbled to the ground and she jumped onto the dumpster, trying to get to the rooftop. "You're not going anywhere!" another said, grabbing her ankle. She yelped in shocked, kicking him in the face. No red-white-and-blue shield came spinning to her defense. The man pushed through his pain and yanked her off the garbage can. She hit her back with a grunt.

She pulled herself up and jabbed her stinger in his groin, watching him jerk before collapsing. She wiped the blood from her lip to face the others. It seemed that they kept coming out of the shadows. How many are there? She shook her head at the thought. She knew how to fight and was well versed in combat, but she was a spy. Spies didn't fight through hordes of men. She was starting to get tired. "You really don't know when to quit," she said, taking a fighting stance.

"If you'd come with—"

"Not a chance," she said and struck the man as the others swarmed down on her. She pulled out her pistol and fired the last few rounds in it, but it didn't seem to even the odds much. The entire gang must be out. She really wished she had Steve now or Wanda. Wanda would be nice, bringing a building down on these bastards. She jumped, twisting a roundhouse kick in mid-air, landing with a ballerina's grace to punch another man in the throat. A man came up behind her, bear hugging her. She stepped on his foot and slammed her elbow into his gut before zapping him with her stinger. Another swung an iron pipe at her. She dodged, felt some ice beneath her boot and jumped back on the next swing. He slipped, and she struck.

She heard footsteps behind her, she rolled, drawing her other pistol and aimed, only to see Vision lift up the man and toss him aside. "Vision?"

"I will explain my presence later, Miss Romanoff," the android said. She nodded. She stood up and charged headlong at the big burly man that was the leader. She slammed her shoulder into his chest, pumping the last few rounds in her second pistol into his gut, before back flipping and kicking him in the jaw as she did so. He staggered.

"Bitch," he growled. She looked around, his lieutenant stalking towards her, a wicked long knife drawn and gleaming in the crescent moonlight. She tossed a stiletto into the neck of the wounded leader before rolling her shoulders to face the lieutenant. She jumped back when he swung the knife and spun into his guard, grabbing his wrist and cracking the back of her skull against his nose as she disarmed him. She yanked his foot out from under him, getting him off balance before she turned and slit his throat. Hot blood sprayed her face.

"Ew." She used his shirt to wipe his blood from her face and spat a few times. She turned to see Vision finishing up with the rest of the goons. "I had the situation under control," she said as the strange robotic man approached her.

"I will accept your white lie and not point out that you in fact did not have it under control," he said. She huffed, tucking some blonde hair behind her ear. "We must leave before more return. Follow me."

"How did you get here without anyone noticing you?" She scooped up her pistols and stilettos as she followed him. "Also, I need my things back in my room."

"I already have seen to your items, Miss Romanoff." Vision didn't bother to look over at her. She frowned, wondering if Tony had sent him to collect her so she can face her punishment. She would fight him if that was the case. "Please hurry," he said. She glared harder at his back. "Glaring at my back will not alter your current situation or get me to tell you any more information."

"Fine." She huffed, following him to the outskirts of the small town. They stopped. "You took one of Tony's jets," she said as Vision waved his hand, dispelling the cloaking mechanism. "And we can't track the cloak. Brilliant." She trotted up the ramp while Vision floated, serene. The ramp closed behind them and the jet began to take off. Clearly, Vision had synced with the computer system.

She always thought he looked alien. Red and silver, bright eyes and no definable ears and the flowy shimmery golden cape. The golden crystal in his forehead, Thor had called it the Mind Stone. "Does Tony—"

"Mr. Stark knows that I have left the facility with a jet, yes. I have told him it was to keep the Mind Stone safe. It whispers to me. Warning me of a threat. What threat, I do not know. I felt it best if I… wandered," he said. "Mr. Stark wishes me to check in with him periodically."

"And yet you seek out me, a fugitive." She flopped down on a bench. "Clever."

"Mr. Stark may have signed the Accords, but he still considers you a friend."

She smirked, touched at that. "Moving target is harder to track, yes," she agreed, looking through the gear that Vision had taken from her room. "How did you find me?"

"By scanning surveillance cameras for your facial profile, I was able to narrow down an estimated longitude and latitude for your location."

She nodded, making a little affirmative noise in her throat. She started to patch up her injuries. She looked around the jet. It brought back memories of when the Avengers had been real. When they worked as a team to help people. When they would come back, sometimes Steve would tell stories about the past. It was nice, it was family. She placed a hand on her stomach. Family. Something she wanted one day, something the Red Room denied her.

The room was painted a pastel blue, smiling stars and clouds near the ceiling with smiling cars near the bottom. Sunlight poured into the room, turning it gold and he stood there with their child in his arms. He sung in a soft voice, a lullaby from his childhood. Their child whimpered softly, the babe's small head resting on his large board shoulder. He turned, seeing her and gave her a smile.

She shook her head, chasing the dream away. It wouldn't do well to dwell on dreams and make believe.

"Did I say something to upset you?" Vision asked.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention." She turned to face him. Should she call him a him? She shrugged, Vision seemed to believe he was male. "What did you say?"

"I said: I sensed distress. You are by yourself and Mr. Stark said you left to find Steve Rogers." Vision tilted his head like a curious dog. "Did you not find him?" The jet bounced, slight turbulence. Nothing to worry about.

Yes. "No." She shook her head. "I didn't."

"My sensors indicate your pupil dilation is a bit above average, and your breathing hitched. This suggests you may not be forthcoming with —"

"Why are you here? Why are did look for me?" She asked, looking at him. He blinked. "Was it because I went looking for Steve? Are you going to arrest him and throw away the key?"

"I have no quarrel with Mr. Rogers. The issue has been resolved, has it not?"

Natasha opened her mouth, then closed it. "As far as anyone is concerned it has been." She walked over to the pilot seat and spun around to face Vision, who floated about a foot from her. "But why find me? Or Steve?"

If a machine could look awkward and uncomfortable, Vision managed it. "I…" he stopped. "I wish… Natasha," he said and sat next to her. She arched a brow. "I wish to discuss something with you."

"Go on," she drawled, arching a brow. Her curiosity was piqued.

"In the past year since the battle at the airport when they arrested Wanda, I've been feeling a strange sense of… doubt. I am unhappy I do not get to see her or speak to her. When I think about our time together I am both happy and unhappy." He frowned or what she assumed would be a frown. She still wasn't quite sure the extent of Vision's emotions. "Am I malfunctioning?"

She stretched and gave a low whistle. "Sounds like you need someone that actually has experience with relationships," she said, laughing a little, "which isn't me."

"You seem distressed, beyond what would be normal for a woman in your situation." The jet banked to the left. She found a water bottle and took a drink. "Is this because you have not heard anything from Mr. Banner?"

She choked on her water, coughing. "Excuse me?" Bruce had been the further thing from her mind for a very long time. It had hurt when he left without ever talking to her, but Steve was there and the new Avengers. She filled her days with work and her evenings helping Steve cross things off his ever-growing list of things to catch up on. She realized it was during those evenings that she began to fall in love with Steve. They had watched some romantic comedy and somehow ended up leaning in for a kiss only to realize what they were doing and backed away.

"If I remember correctly, you and Mr. Banner were… an item." He leaned in close. "Am I using that expression correctly?"

"Yes, but we—" she stopped, screwing the bottle cap back on. "Bruce and I… we… we were trying to… I was trying to find something with him, in him, to make myself feel better about my past. And I didn't find it. I adore him. I think he's funny and sweet—"

"So, you love him?" Vision asked, titling his head again.

"No." She said, maybe a little too quickly. "No, I don't. I don't love Bruce like—" she frowned. "He's a friend. Bruce is a friend." Steve and I are just friends but… "Love is a complicated emotion Vision," she said. "Humans love objects, ideas, lots of things. They love their family, their friends. What I feel for Bruce is a very deep friendship. Maybe I did love him once, in a romantic way, but it would have never worked out. Two monsters cannot find happiness."

"Do you think Mr. Banner sees himself as a monster?" he asked. She nodded. "Do you see yourself as a monster?"

She swallowed her tears. Steve believed in her, when Bruce hadn't. Steve had saw the humanity in her when all Bruce saw was what the Red Room made her. "It's complicated," she said, truthful. "I know other people see me as a monster, nothing more than a double agent." Tony's words after he returned from Siberia had cut her to the bone. "There was a time when I believed them, but I've strove to be more than what people say about me. It's a balancing act, keeping the legend… the fear of Black Widow alive, yet being someone independent of my skill sets. I have Steve to thank for a lot of it." She gave a wistful smile as she shook her head. "I could never hate you, Natasha." She smiled at Vision. "I lied," she said, "I did find Steve."

"Oh." He blinked. "I had concluded you were not completely truthful with me. I am sure you had your reasons to not telling me." He hummed. "Did you see Wanda with him?"

She grinned. "You want to know about Wanda?"

"I… yes. I was charged in keeping her safe during the discourse with the Accords. I am merely checking up on her well-being."

Natasha laughed, surprised at how human Vision seemed in that moment. She didn't know much about AI systems, but she supposed that Vision's unique construction along with the Mind Stone allowed him to be more human than anything people could have created. "You love her." She nudged Vision. "You love Wanda."

"Love." Vision frowned, pensive. "I have never considered it. I never thought I was capable of love." He cocked his head. "Yes. From what I have gathered on human romantic relationships, being unhappy that the person of their affection is not there would cause distress. Recalling past moments with the person of their affection would induce feelings of happiness and unhappiness." He nodded. "I do feel those things when I think about Wanda. Her absence causes me distress." He looked at her. "Yes. You are correct Natasha. I am in love with Wanda." He smiled. "Thank you. I feel much relief over this."

"Glad I could help." She gave his back at pat and took another sip of water. She wished she could admit the truth to herself about how she felt towards Steve with such logical clarity. But she wasn't a machine like Vision, she was a human and humans had a nasty habit of lying to themselves. Especially when it came to matters of the heart.

"Natasha, may I ask you something?" he asked.

"Mm?"

"Have you ever been in love? We have established that you loved Bruce, but not in a romantic light or if it was a romantic love it has since faded into a deep platonic bond. So, I'm curious if you have ever experienced romantic love?"

She blinked, leaning forward on her knees. She stared at the floor of the jet. "Where are we going?"

"There is no current destination in the autopilot. I can set a destination if you'd like."

"We may be in Wakanda…" "No. Just somewhere far away from Russia." She took another gulp of water. Her stomach was empty, but the water allowed her to ignore the need for food. She'll eat later. Thinking about Steve caused her heart to ache. "Once," she said softly. The jet banked to the left, she wondered if it was going in circles. "When I was working for the Russians, I had a husband, his name was Alexi Shostakov. It was an arranged marriage. It didn't start off as romantic, but we learned to love each other. It was nice, being wanted," she whispered. "Feeling like you're worth something." The brief marriage she had with Alexi had been sweet and special, it had showed her that she could be more than just Black Widow. "What happened to your husband?"

"KGB took him. Never saw him again, told me he died. They probably took him and made him into a super soldier or something. I don't know. He could be dead for all I know." Though Zima did allude that Alexi is alive, impossible but… she closed her eyes at the thought. No good would come if she went running after Alexi.

"I can try to find him. Maybe if he was reunited with you, you may not be so distressed."

"No thanks Vision. He's a part of my past." And the past needs to stay in the past; besides I don't love him anymore. The jet dove a little bit before leveling out. She looked around, everywhere she saw Steve. It had been like in the weeks she left. Steve around every corner, every face his, every voice his and each time it happened it hurt her. It hurt her so much it took every ounce of her training to not break and sob. It was as if someone took half of her out of her body. The chaste kiss after she escaped Zima, his touch as he took care of her injures and wiped her tears after the nightmare. Their almost kiss on the roof top of the Berlin Cathedral; the almost kiss in the bedroom of the abandoned house.

So many fucking almosts. They were always almost at something. The heartbreak in his eyes when she told him she was leaving. How her fingers slipped from his grasp when she did, knowing he would not try to force her to stay. He wasn't that type of person to deny anyone their agency in life. He almost said it too, if he had she would have stayed. She had given him the knife that would defeat the last vestiges of her armour, and all he had to do was say it and slip the knife into her heart. But he didn't. She knew he wouldn't but still… she had hope he'd say it. She screamed and threw the water bottle at the water. The cap busted off and the water splashed everywhere, Vision jumping in surprise.

"Are you upset?" he asked. "What are you upset about? I am sorry I brought up your dead husband."

She ran her hands through her hair, tugging at it. "Damn you…" she whispered, her sob catching in her throat. "Damn you…" Steve

"Natasha?" Vision put a hand on her shoulder, she didn't shrug it off. "Natasha, what's wrong."

I love him. "I love him." She said and looked at Vision, a myriad of emotions reflecting in her eyes, but her face remained an impassive mask with a ghost of a smile on her lips. "I've experienced it too. I love him, Vision, I love him so much. So much that it hurts." She pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes, taking several deep breaths. It was so freeing to say it aloud, like a great weight have lifting from her chest, a smile wanting to blossom on her face but she held herself in check. She squeezed Vision's hand, allowing a tiny smile to wiggle its way free. "I love him." She leaned back in the chair, rubbing her face again, trying to get a handle on everything she was feeling. She hadn't felt giddy since she was a little girl, before the Red Room, when she still knew what pure undiluted happiness felt like, she flexed her hands, watching her fingers move, like an infant discovering their hands worked for the first time. The intensity of the emotions made her feel like vomiting. "I love him."

"Who?"

The question brought her back down from her emotional high. She stared at Vision, and with practice calm, she gathered her emotions again and locked them away as the mask slipping back into place. She would not say it, even to Vision. She cleared her throat and rubbed her hands along her thighs, her palms clammy beneath Vision's analytical scrutiny. "You said something about the autopilot not having a destination," she said and licked her lips.

"Yes?"

"Set a course for Wakanda."

Is this rushing? I don't think it's rushing. I mean, I don't intend this to be too terribly long but I honestly don't have an ending in mind. Well, I kinda do. But I don't know how many chapters it'll take to get there.

My feelings on Bruce and Natasha are simple: It was weird and would never work out. One of the biggest things about Natasha is she hates being seen as a monster. I think Bruce is a bit obsessed with it. Natasha needs someone that can see her as a person with a set of highly specific skills that involve knowing how to murder someone thirty-six different ways with your pinkie. Bruce doesn't give her that. I do think they make great friends. Also it bothered me how Nat was just the beauty for Hulk to save.

Yay, Vision. I hope I did a good job.

Next chapter will be Steve and the others and Bucky! (Yay Bucky…) And will basically focus on what they were doing while Nat was fighting goons in Russia.

I sorta have a plan! Also, I changed the song and title of chapter four because it fit better than Night 13 (which may be used later), and Shatter Me just… really fit what Natasha was going through at the end. She took the leap of faith. I also hope her giddiness at it wasn't too ooc :/ I just felt that after denying her feels to herself she would just have a burst of happy excitement. Let me know what you guys think! I'll fix it if the general consensus is that it's too ooc. :)

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Nemo et Nihil