"Okay," Ritsuka sighs, "Let's recap! Our alternate father is currently in a life-or-limb battle with our first summoned servant and general reliable standby, and the battle is probably going to end with someone horribly maimed. And our recently-returned Godmother has been abducted by a crazy greek archmage who really likes cute things."
"Caster needs other hobbies," Kana nods resolutely. "And to top it all off I'm pretty sure Attila was with her."
Ritsuka sighs and covers his face. "Fantastic, our mysterious new Saber is on Caster's side. There go, like, all my Command Seals."
"Or we could just talk to them," Kana shrugs.
"They're to keep Aunt Saber from murdering everyone."
A 2D image pops into existence right in front of the both of them, fizzling into existence. "There the two of you are!" The face of Romani Archaman says at them. "Report to the CIC quickly. We've got a breakthrough on finding the next Singularity!"
"...Doctor normally I'd be happy but right now we're in a situation too."
"Do we?" El Melloi II leans into frame, chomping significantly on a cigar. "From what I understand of the situation, Caster abducted Saber with the help of our other Saber, almost certainly to have her play dressup to her heart's content."
Kana looks gobsmacked at her tutor, while Ritsuka tries and fails to make noises with his mouth. "I did not know you have Clarivoyance," he finally says.
El Melloi II shakes his head. "I looked at the cameras and made a few guesses. Regardless, it does not seem like a crisis, does it? Saber won't die."
"She might die on the inside," Ritsuka shudders.
"No she won't," Kana says. "She'll just be filled with apoplectic fury that she can now act on! But I imagine that's why Caster has Attila in her camp. And with the threat of destroying Chaldea if she uses Excalibur, Aunt Saber will be forced to comply!"
"...Why do you know all this? How do you know all this?"
"It's what I'd do!"
"Uh." Mashu pokes her head out from the bottom of the screen. "If it's that much of a concern, senpai, I can go save her. I also have Magic Resistance A, remember?"
"...If you get caught in a dress I'm not apologising."
The girl returns with an immaculate smile. "Well I'm sure you'd still look better than me, Ritsuka-senpai."
"...Well played. Please do. We'll be there shortly."
"I could get a wiiiiiiig~" Kana sing-songs.
"I SAID WE'LL BE THERE SHORTLY. GOOD DAY DR ROMAN."
The year is 2026. Chaldea is all that is left of that era.
And the only hope of rescuing the rest of mankind is an exceptionally fickle Random Number Generator
Damnation awaits in...
FATE/SUNNY ORDER
"Uh... Hi. I guess she caught you too?"
Arturia sighs as she looks at her fellow captive, visibly peeved. "A sneak attack, little more." She raises an eyebrow. "Do I know you?"
The peach-haired Saber frowns and claps her hands over her mouth. "I'm... not sure. Why?"
"I think I've seen your face before."
"...Weird, I feel the same way," she mumbles. "Oh, I almost forgot! Okita Souji, Captain of the Shinsengumi First Division, at your service!" She extends her hand cheerfully and quickly, like a knife thrusting for the kill. "I look forward to our Great Victory!"
"The Okita Souji?" Arturia shakes her hand quickly. "I've seen many a drama about the Shinsengumi, and I've always wanted to test my skills against yours!"
"R-Really?" Okita laughs nervously to herself. "Eheh… You know, it's kind of embarrassing to be praised by a knight like this…"
"Legend says that you were a prodigy with the blade, and ever since I crossed blades with… a particular swallow, I've wanted to test myself against the finest swordsmen of Japan!" Arturia frowns. "But I thought you were a man..."
Okita shrugs. "History thought Nobu was a man too!"
"Nobu… As in Oda Nobunaga, Demon King of the Sixth Heaven?"
"Yeah, she's actually a pain in the ass." Okita looks furtively from left to right. "So... which Knight are you?"
"Oh!" The King of Knights coughs and composes herself. "I am King Arthur, Once and Future King of Britain. But please, call me Arturia."
"Ah, nice to meet you, Arturia-san~" Okita smiles brightly at her, holding it for roughly five seconds before she recoils. "K-K-KING ARTHUR?! YOU ARE A GIRL?!"
"My father wanted a son. Destiny had other ideas. Also please call me Arturia."
Okita does not hear it. She's too busy cupping her burning cheeks. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod King Arthur thinks I'm a good swordswoman this is the best day of my life." She looks down at the manacles clapped about her feet. "Second best day of my life." She looks over at Arturia again. "Still not sure why you look familiar, though."
"I'm sure that mystery will be resolved in time," Arturia says. She looks around, keen green eyes looking for anything they can use to escape. No such luck; their jail cell is entirely bare except for some mannikins and abandoned dresses. Not even a shawl or a toothpick. And, come to think of it, this isn't a jail cell at all. It's the inside of a closet. "How long have you been here, Okita Souji?"
"O-Okita's fine!" She says quickly. "S-Sakura Saber also! M-Man, I didn't ever expect to meet K-King Arthur!"
"It's been an interesting day," Arturia nods. Her expression turns bitter. "If only these were better times."
"...A-Anyways, I've been here since morning. It's not the first time, either..."
"That vixen has abducted you multiple times?" Arturia gasps. "How do you escape each time?"
"Well actually she just makes me wear clothes, gushes, and then lets me go as long as I promise to keep wearing the dress." Okita glances back, noticing Arturia's dead look in her eye, and nods. "I know, it's so anticlimactic right? I thought she would be doing something evil but... Well, no, abducting people to make them wear cute clothes is actually kind of evil..."
"The last time she abducted me, Caster tried to bend me to her will," Arturia says flatly, her words dripping with bitterness. "And she made me wear a r-ridiculous white dress while she tried to break me! With a Command Seal!"
Okita frowns. "Caster has Command Seals?"
"Worse, she can steal them." Okita gasps and Arturia nods. "She is a danger to Chaldea, and must be stopped - or, failing that, kept in check." The King of Knights frowns momentarily. "I fear she may be collaborating with Kana."
"Oh, she does. The only reason Attila is helping Caster is because Kana brought her here for a makeover."
"...When we get out of here, Okita, I am going to give Kana a spanking all my Knights would flinch at."
Okita blinks. She gives her a strange look. "That seems... excessive, King Arthur."
"Nothing is excessive with that girl, Okita. And Arturia is fine."
The closet door creaks open slowly, and all the blood in Arturia's veins freeze up. Her instincts scream, telling her to run, hide, beg, or possibly get cut to bits by Clarent again and then tell Bedivere to toss Excalibur back into the lake. Because dying on that hill is infinitely better than what is about to happen.
Attila pokes her head into the closet, her expression flat. "It's time for cute," she says evenly. She looks at the two Sabers. "Are you two cute?"
"Absolutely not," Arturia says immediately.
"The total opposite I swear," Okita squeaks.
"Hm." Attila tilts her head. She steps into the room, taking one slow agonising step at a time. "That's okay. You will be cute soon. Promise."
It is an unassuming sight, just a regular room like any of the others right next to it. The doors are white, nearly blending in with the uniform walls but for the touch screen right next to them But its deceptive normality bellies the oddities of this place, like the fact that the walls are only recently rebuilt, or that it is the quarter of a Servant. A pair of them, in fact.
Mashu Kyrielight, longtime member of Chaldea and Demi-Servant Shielder, takes a deep breath right on her doorstep. It cannot be helped. It must be done. Magic Resistance A or not, Mashu cannot fight against both Attila and Medea at the same time. She simply is not strong enough. The only way to win is with allies. And with Lancer fighting Archer, Leonidas taking a nap—meditative trance, Atalanta being scary, Robin hiding somewhere and Herakles looking after Fou... She has nowhere else to go.
She knocks on the door twice. A moment passes in silence.
"Enter," the dark lord within says, and so she does. The doors creek open, and she sees the Demon King herself, Oda Nobunaga, slouched against a chair, one leg up against her chest and one elbow perched atop it. Wearing only a t-shirt and shorts to go with her cap, she remains as menacing as ever – provided she isn't goofing off. "So, you need my help?"
Mashu nods. "Caster has captured Okita and our new Saber. You are Master's only hope."
"Hm," the Demon King grunts. She smiles viciously at a thought. "What are your terms?"
Mashu's eyes are resolute and unflinching. "I will pay any price."
Nobunaga's grin grows wider.
The door creaks open, and Attila steps forward, carrying two inexplicably identical Sabers on her shoulders. She walks with purpose and with care, making sure not to jostle her prisoners overmuch. Not that it helps, considering where she is taking them.
The witch's sanctum is every bit as sinister as Arturia remembers. The dimly lit blue torches lining the walls. The cool colours that belly its horrors and chill to the bone. A stage that glows with its own light, all the better to show off her creations. Rows and rows and rows of impeccably sewn outfits, each appropriate for a season, or occasion, or mood. And a small shrine at the back, difficult to read in clarity even with her own exceptional eyesight, speaking of... wait, no, that's not a shrine, that's a sewing machine. A... magical sewing machine, much like the kind Shirou has at home, but with fairies and magic instead of mechanisms and electricity.
...Actually thinking about it, besides the colour palette there is nothing about this place that resembles the church all those years ago. Hm. How devious. There is nothing for her to reference for her escape attempt.
"Here we go again," Okita sighs. "First she gushes about what she's going to do for you for half an hour, and then she makes you wear sixty different outfits, then she makes you do, like, a thousand poses, and if you don't do them with a smile and a skip she zaps you with lasers."
"Wouldn't our Magic Resistance be proof against that?" Arturia asks the Japanese Saber.
Okita looks away, hiding her flushed cheeks. "Well... my Magic Resistance is actually really bad."
"How bad?"
"...E Rank..."
"Ah." Saber nods in sympathy. "Well... Do your best, Okita Souji."
"Okita's fine, really."
"Caster," Attila announces, her face as flat and unemotive as if it was carved from wood, "I have them."
The Caster seems to appear from nowhere, violet butterflies flying from everywhere and concentrating into a ball rom which the Witch appears. Medea appears in a flash of sparkles, her eyes obscured by her hood but her sinister grin. "Ah~... Good work, Attila, with this we can finally begin!"
Attila tosses Okita into the air, the other Saber's screams fading as she heads skyward. She gently rotates Arturia and places her feet-first on the ground before catching the other Saber like a sack of flour, the Captain still screaming. Okita nearly rolls over into a ball when Attila sets her down feet-first as well, stopped only by the chains that keep her arms secure.
The King of Britain turns about, teeth bared, after a nod of solidarity to her companion. "You expect me to just accept this, Caster? Unlike the last time I'm not bound to you by Command Seals!" She flexes her arms and shatters the chains binding her with a burst of force, shattering them like foam just to prove her point. She points her sword at the Witch of Betrayal, the invisible wind-swept blade glistening in the pale light. "What is stopping me from just annihilating this wretched place?!"
Caster, despite the clear show of force, does not even flinch. She floats down onto the floor, keeping her hooded eyes on the blonde. "You mean, besides the fact that you'll destroy Chaldea and our Masters along with me?"
Arturia tenses. Damnation, it seems her bluff has been called. "Yes, besides that."
"I have a Saber under my control, dear Arturia," Medea says with a smile. She raises a hand, the space warping before it. Okita falls over twitching before standing up again, the chains slaking off her like rain. "And now I have two."
"Hate... My shitty... Magic Resistance...," Okita grumbles.
Arturia sighs and lowers Excalibur, resting its tip against the ground. Attila, she senses, is still standing beside Okita. She has made no move to surround her yet, and she can break off to the left. That will be the plan then. But she needs to throw Caster off-guard. FATE seems to retain memories, judging by Lancer and Caster's behaviour, which means...
"You disappoint your Master, Caster," Arturia scowls.
"Haaah?" Medea stops smiling, all her smug superiority lost. "Nonsense. You don't know what you're talking about, Saber."
Saber spots the slight wobble on Caster's lip and seizes her opportunity. "Dresses? Pictures? Hiding away in the depths of your temple, just making clothes no one will ever see? What, for your own enjoyment?"
"A-Attila sees them! A-A-And she enjoys them! R-Right?!"
"I enjoy cute things," Attila says blandly. She squats down, observing Caster intently. The Witch of Colchis flinches at the implication.
The chance is now. Arturia does her best cruel smile; no mercy for the wicked. "Face it, Caster! You are just a common otaku." Her smile turns positively feral. "Kuzuki Souichirou would be disgusted."
The shift in the air is palpable, even without the superhuman keeness of her Instinct. Medea stands there, stewing in the accusation. She exhales, drawing her hood down. For the first time since Caster died, Arturia sees the face of the Witch of Colchis.
Flushed, red, and brimming with embarrassed fury.
This is not a face she has ever seen before but it just might be her favourite expression ever.
"T-That's not true!" The Caster asserts. "S-Souichirou-sama would a-a-accept me!"
"You don't even believe that." Here it comes, the breaking point in their debate! Arturia slams Excalibur into the ground and points at her, Mana Burst flaring for emphasis. "Accept it, Medea of Colchis! You are a WEEABOO!"
"...No! N-NO! YOU LIE, SABER!" She snaps her fingers, the world sinking at her command, and Saber feels the ghost of a vice about her neck. It fades immediately, barely even a kiss against her magical resistance. "YOU LIE! A-And for l-l-lying you will be CUTE!"
And the moment has come. Saber breaks to the left, propelled by Invisible Air. Medea incants a second too late. Even with her Divine Words, she won't cast quickly enough to catch her. She raises Excalibur, now bared to the world, and swings to split the wall open-
She feels something heavy slam into the back of her neck. It throws her off balance and sends her into the ground. By the time she lifts her head and makes another break for it, Attila is already on her, prismatic sword at her neck.
"I am so sorry, King Arthur," Okita cries out. "I'm sorry I'm sorry dammit magic resistance!"
"Please..." the King of Knights rasps, "...Call me Arturia..."
The space about her freezes. Arturia curses. She has lost her chance and is now suspended in a hamster ball of solid space. She turns about against her own volition and finds herself face to face with Caster, Medea of Colchis wild-eyed and breathing erratically.
"Y-Yes,, yes Saber... Hee.. Hehehe..." Medea giggles, "I... I was going to be m-merciful, but I see now I was w-weak! You will be cute, a-and Souichirou-sama will accept me wh-when I present you to him!"
Arturia frowns. "Kuzuki Souichirou isn't in Chaldea."
"Eh? He-He isn't?" Caster tilts her head severely, down to a right angle, and lets out an unhinged giggle. "Then I'll just make you cute enough for both of us! Haha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
She turns about, already disappearing into a flock of butterflies. "Attila! Okita! Strip her."
Both Sabers comply immediately, one willingly and the other unwillingly. Beneath Attila's unflinching stare and Okita's constant stream of apologies, somehow Arturia can only conclude that she has fucked up.
"Probably should have mentioned Jason," she murmurs, before surrendering her senses before trauma can set in.
"I definitely should have mentioned Jason." Wearing a tight race queen outfit with hardly any coverage and a colour scheme that was designed to draw attention to her... body, is there any question why Arturia's face is red and her dreams full of murder?
"Shut up, King Arthur, and smile!" Okita, wearing green and pink to contrast Arturia's blue and gold, strikes a pose instead. The camera flashes and she does the peace sign. "Just a bit longer," she says, "Just a bit longer and we can go!"
"Please, call me Arturia." Saber changes her pose, her smile beautiful but still strained, "And... Are you enjoying this?"
"...N-No?"
"Do smile, King of Knights. You are cute when you do." Beside the both of them, Attila does a cool, stoic pose at the camera. She wears a slight smile, the slightest crack in her stoic, unfeeling armor. "Yes, this is good civilisation."
"Hyaa~, this is good!" Caster, her hood lowered, cheers and claps her hands together. "Attila, you should pop your hips out some more!"
Attila nods. "Yes. I will do better."
"Okita, very good! But open your eyes more!"
The perky saber punches the air. "Ooosu!"
"...Arturia, I know you can smile better. And your pose is too wooden! You have to move, to flow like water! You stand like a man!"
"I am a king."
Caster harrumph and crosses her arms. "Well, right now you are a model. Nevermind, you are cute enough that it doesn't matter." She claps her hands together. "Alright! Next we will be doing competition swimsuits!"
Arturia looks about, inspecting every inch of this room. There isn't a pool anywhere here. "I'm not sure what the point is."
"The point, Saber, is that it looks good. And that is what matters." She gives the brit a piteous look. "Not that you'd understand, your majesty."
"Well excuse me, I was busy fighting the Sax-"
The wall explodes under the force of a hundred musket balls, not falling over so much as being pulverised by a massed rifle salvo. Medea clicks her tongue and sweeps the dust aside with the wave of a hand. What she sees is the face of a demon.
"-ons," Arturia finishes.
"I AM PURE EVIL!" The girl in black declares. "I BURN THE MONKMEN AND THE MONKWOMEN AND THE MONKCHILDREN!"
"Oh my god she's doing the speech," Okita sighs.
"Attila," Medea says.
"Yes," the Scourge of God nods, and charges for her immediately. Shielder moves, and the Sword of Mars is turned by the Shield of Mankind.
"Hurry up," Mashu grunts. She strains against the strength of the Hun, as Attila looks on with dispassionate inevitability.
"I DANCE ATSUMORI AND SLAUGHTER THOUSANDS!" The Demon Archer bellows. "WORSHIP ME! THERE ARE NONE BEFORE ME AND NONE AFTER ME! I AM THE DEMON KING OF THE SIXTH HEAVEN, ODA NOBUBU—Gah mah tonguhh!"
Nobunaga turns around and covers her mouth. All tension dies then and there. Even Attila, peerless and efficient walking genocide she is, stops matching her sword against Mashu's shield and just looks on, her expresison somehow deader than ever.
"...Are you okay?" A begrieved Mashu asks.
"'M FINE!" Nobu turns around with muskets in each hand. "I'M FINE SHUT UP LETS FIGHT!"
Their meeting was mercifully short, fortunately enough. Lord El Melloi II had left earlier to settle some matters, but offered a draft on their plan as well as some insights on the terrain and time period that should come in handy. The four of them left just stewed for a bit, discussing the nitty-gritty details. And off-topic tangents, as all meetings do.
"...So in conclusion, we're deploying to Rome tomorrow, but we can each bring an extra servant, yes?" Ritsuka asks. Roman nods back at him. "Even if one of the Servants we bring is Herakles? Or Attila? Or, say, King Arthur?"
"Yep!" For emphasis, Da Vinci flexes her mechanical arm and cups her slender bicep. "I managed to bring an additional reactor online! Feel free to praise me for being amazing."
Kana does fingerguns at Da Vinci. "You're pretty good."
Da Vinci returns it. "Kept you waiting, huh?"
A moment passes. Dr. Roman does a wonderfully awkward cat roar. Ritsuka just looks at each and every single one of them, dangerously unhinged memelords all. "I'm going now," he says, his soul having long escaped through his eyes. "Good day, everyone."
"Is something wrong with him?" Da Vinci stage-whispers to everyone.
"He's hunting alone," Kana stage-whispers in reply. "Ocelots are proud creatures: They hunt alone!"
Ritsuka struggles not to slap himself on the face. He also struggles not to slap her on the face. That would be rude. "Why do you insist on hurting me, Kana."
His sister giggles and offers no reply. Instead, Chaldea itself offers a response. A tremor rocks through the facility and nearly tips Roman's cup of coffee over. He looks at the spill on his desk with disdain and resignation, and reaches immediately for a towel.
Da Vinci frowns and holds her chin. "...That was not one of my projects," the inventor muses.
"That was probably Aunt Saber," Kana shrugs. She hops to her feet and bounces up and down on her heels. "Sooooo shall we?"
"Yeah," her elder brother (by six minutes) nods. "Hopefully she's not too angry."
"...Mind if I stand behind you? She likes you more."
Ritsuka gives her a bright smile. "No."
Sparks fly with every clash of their blades. The sky rings with a symphony of clashing steel. The battle the King spoke of has finally come, a day too soon in a life that should have never been. Atop the stage that had once been for a photoshoot, their fated duel finally comes to pass.
The blade that faces hers is uncertain yet peerless, wavering yet invisible. Following it is a pain even with her supernal instinct - and the woman who wields it is a ghost herself. Her speed is impossible, and the way she weaves across the battlefield even moreso. She seems to disappear with every step taken, as if the world itself moved as she did.
Arturia Pendragon swings once more, and once more Excalibur tastes fleeting steel. Her blade is a dragon, an irrepressible titan. But her opponent's blade is a ghost, a phantom with no form but what it wills.
Once more they clash, her blows turned with skill alone. And again, and again and again. Crashing steel, like a stone fighting the river. Her swings are turned aside with the talents of a prodigy, her guard constantly tested by a dozen thrusts at once.
"I am so sorry right now," Okita Souji weeps, her voice everywhere and nowhere. Though she speaks, she continues to move. And fight. "This isn't how I thought it would happen! I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT LIKE THIS, ARTURIA-SAN!"
"But let us use this opportunity regardless," Arturia responds coolly. She holds Excalibur before her, shifting and invisible. "Howl, Hammer of the Wind King: INVISIBLE AIR!"
The King slams Excalibur into the ground. A gale flares out about her feet, knocking aside stones and stands and any who would stand about her. The Captain is nowhere to be seen, untouched by the roar of the wind.
Instincts shout and drive her. She turns about, swinging about Excalibur to meet the blade of Okita Souji, spinning through the air.
"Hiken: MUMYOU-"
She sees a vision, Excalibur pierced by a blade that it has easily turned, her neck pierced by a blade that should have shattered. Arturia curses to herself that the wind has been spent. Mana Burst flares and Excalibur burns, a bright gold bonfire.
She swings. She stabs.
"-SANDANZUKI!"
Causality falters.
A sword of gold, not quite the light of a new dawn, rips the stage asunder.
Arturia hits the ground bent on one knee, her shoulder slick with blood and gushing a river of red. Okita twirls to her feet not far forward to her right. She flicks her blade and takes up another stance.
Saber smiles as she stands up again, Excalibur held in only one arm. This feels familiar, and not in a bad way. "Your technique is impressive, Okita. A localised collapse in causality?"
The Captain chuckles. She lets one arm fall limp by her side; the sleeve is torn, and it bleeds along a thin strip from shoulder to wrist. "And yours, Arturia-san. I'm sorry we had to fight today - but I'm glad it was against you!"
"And I, you. This duel reminds me of another samurai I fought once." Arturia smiles. She holds her blade up at the Captain. "Come, Okita Souji! The battle begins now!"
Okita trips over herself.
"...Eh?"
She falls to her knees, clutching at her neck. Okita bends over and coughs out a mouthful of blood. Her complexion goes from pale to faint.
"Okita!" Saber takes a step towards her. She jumps, just in time to avoid another slash. She lands as the 1st Division Captain stands, using her sword as a cane. A pale blue-green haori patterned with white triangles spawns about her arms and shoulders as she stumbles onto her feet.
"What are you doing… Arturia-san…" Okita smiles. She wipes the blood from her mouth and holds her sword parallel to the ground. Another trail of red drips from the corner of her mouth "Our duel… is not yet complete!"
She charges, heedless of her wounds.
The sky sings with a symphony of clashing steel.
She is Demi-Servant Shielder. Her task is to protect. Her strength is in the defense of others, and she has strength enough to turn away all blows. But each swing she meets, each crashing blow of thunder and death she catches in the icon of her Class, rattles her arms and pounds in her ears. It is like fighting a thunderstorm - no, a mountain. Every blow is power, every strike like thunder, one that threatens to shred flesh and boils bone with each strike, godlike force alone. Mashu cannot hold out forever. Not against Saber. Not even against a tenth of Saber.
But she meets each blow regardless, for this battle is more than one of endurance. Above her, musket after musket pulled from nowhere opens fire on the Witch of Betrayal, each met by a beam of violet energy. But volume of fire carries the day; for all her power, for all that her word is Law in this Temple, Medea of Colchis is losing this battle of firepower. This is the aid she made a pact to acquire. It had to be worth at least this much to be worthwhile.
Mashu Kyrielight, Servant Shielder, is only half a Servant. She cannot last forever against the Scourge of God. Were Attila the Hun truly intent on killing her, her head would already be staining the floor. Shielder or not. But though she will eventually lose this contest of strength and stamina, her 'Master' will lose the war long before then. She need only buy time.
"You LOSE, Caster! FUHAHAHAHA!" Though the roar of gunpowder and the shriek of magic fills the air and drowns out all other noises, Oda Nobunaga's voice carries across the battlefield with no trouble at all. The full bombast of the Demon King abides no obstacles, be they noise of barrier or being shorter than most. "This is your limit, Princess! Surrender your shrines!"
"Ghh… Tch!" Her cloak has long been shed, blown off by sheer firepower. But Medea of Colchis continues to stand tall, her features and figure all but drowned out by the violet light of her magic. "Watch your tongue, Archer, lest you bite it off!"
"S-SHUT UP! TH-THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"
Another salvo thunders over and around her, but Mashu Kyrielight pays it no attention at all. She meets the prismatic sword once more, receiving another blow that shakes her to her core. She feels her chance on the backswing, pushes back with her full strength the moment that sword draws back. Attila meets it in kind, driving her knuckled fist into the center of the cross. A sound like a thunderbolt washes over her. All sounds, all thoughts are drowned out beneath that blow. Mashu Kyrielight sees it too late, moves to intercept too late. The sword is already spinning, drawing threads of magic into it.
"You are strong, Shielder," the Scourge of God says as a sigh. "But your resistance ends here. Bow before the Sword of the War God: PHOTON RAY!"
She feels it more than sees it, the rainbow searing so brightly into her eyes it may as well be white. Her instincts, Shielder's borrowed senses, move to act at that very moment.
Attila stabs forward with a swirling drill of a thousand colours. That strike would have pierced her shield and her body in the same motion.
She steps through time, divorced from the world.
It passes right through her, like she is little more than smoke.
Attila the Hun charges through Shielder, and leaves not a single mark on that small body. When she realises, the shield is already swinging for her head. She deflects it with the butt of her sword, just barely strong enough that it clips the top of her hair. The two warriors break off, one gasping for breath, the other looking on impassively.
"You dodged," Attila says evenly. She points the sword, Photon Ray, at her. "But how much longer can you dodge?"
"Long enough... to win," she rasps. Her lungs are burning. Her arms are jelly. Her head is pounding. She needs air. Mashu takes in a deep breath and drives the base of her shield into the ground. "Pass if you dare, Saber! Deploying Noble Phantasm: LORD-"
"Hyaaa-!"
Something falls before her. A flash of blue trimmed in black, voluminous and curly. Mashu's eyes focus as the figure rises to her feet. "Ow ow ow… Daaaaaaammit…"
"...Chal...deas…" Mashu trails off, the moment dead. "What is going o-s-s-se-senpai?!"
Ritsuka Tohsaka, dressed fully in drag, looks at her like a deer in the headlights. "M-MASHU! I, uh, this, I mean-"
"No no I'm sorry!" Mashu, her face bright red, lets go of her shield and covers her face. "I'M SORRY SENPAI I'M SORRY!"
The image of her Master flickers. Her eye widens in shock. She made a mistake.
Attila the Hun surges forth through the false Ritsuka Tohsaka like a prismatic thunderbolt.
Mashu Kyrielight got distracted in the sanctum of an Archmagus gifted in the arts of all forms of magic. And for that, she will pay with defeat.
She charges right past Mashu, the tip of Photon Ray glancing off the top of her shoulder - and her hand catching her right in the throat. She presses tight on her carotid artery and slams her into the ground. Mashu sputters and gasps, flailing her arms weakly on Attila. She feels nothing of her blows, only looking blankly as her vision fades.
The Scourge of God stands triumphant once more. She flicks her blade, casting the dust from it, and turns her eyes upon the Archer in red and black.
Things went from great to awful in a matter of seconds. One moment, Nobu is on the verge of overwhelming the Witch of Colchis with firepower alone, and the next that dark-skinned Saber kicks her in the face and sends her flying! She hits the ground and slams her clawed hand to arrest her momentum while she drew her katana, but Attila was upon her in an instant. A clumsy clash of blades and she was sent flying again with another kick.
Nobunaga slams into the far wall and cries out in pain. She hits the ground with a heavy thud. Attila is coming for her once more, her prismatic blade trailing with swirling colours.
"Don't kill her too, Attila," Medea's voice rings from everywhere and nowhere. "Master would be displeased. But teach her a lesson!"
"Yes," she whispers, and leaps at her. She charges at her from the sky, Photon Ray poised to strike.
Nobunaga laughs. She cackles. She pulls an especially large orange from the folds of her jacket, looking like it's been stitched together from countless orange skins. "Caster, Caster, Caster, CASTER, CASTER! DID YOU REALLY THINK? IT WOULD BE?! THIS?! EASY?!" She holds the orange up, the frankenfruit wobbling perilously as if overfilled. "BEHOLD, THE NOBU-BOMBU, VERSION 2.54131625-"
Attila lands, Photon Ray driven through it. The fruit starts ticking.
"Why this again," Nobu whimpers.
"I don't understand," Attila says back.
There is a loud explosion. All is drowned out in white.
By the time Ritsuka and Kana arrive to the scene - well at this point it was more like a battlefield - it was something like the aftermath of a natural disaster. Dust and rubble were everywhere. There are people scattered everywhere, at least one caught under the rubble. Arturia is by the corner, desperately trying to wake Okita - who is literally covered in her own blood - and Mashu, propped up against the other side of the hallway covering her red face. And then inside what was once the Temple itself are Medea and Nobunaga, collapsed in a pile around a large crack - and Attila, standing aimlessly between the two of them.
"Man I'm glad we let Caster tether a spatial subdimension to this room instead of actually using the room for her Temple," Kana comments idly. "Imagine if the explosion wasn't contained by the walls of reality before exploding."
His first instinct is to run to Mashu. And there is no reason to ignore his instincts so that is exactly what he does. "Mashu! Are you okay?!"
"E-Eh?" She looks up, her face completely red. Mashu spots Ritsuka sprinting towards her and immediately looks away. "E-Eh?! R-Ritsuka-senpai?!"
He kneels beside her, meeting her eye level. "Is everything alright? Are you hurt?"
"N-No, senpai, everything's good! No drag maid-I MEAN NO DAMAGE TAKEN! AT ALL! P-P-PERIOD!"
"...Okay," Ritsuka frowns. "Mashu, look at me."
"W-Why? I'm fine! As I said, no dra-DAMAGE!"
He grabs her chin and pulls her head to face him. Ritsuka looks firmly at her, eye to eye. Mashu starts shivering. "A-Ah, uhm, s-se-senpai, uh…"
He lets go quickly and lets out a sigh of relief - as does she, looking away quickly and darting her eyes between all the rubble that isn't around Ritsuka. "No concussions, thank goodness," Ritsuka says. "Alright, I should give you some space. Do you know what happened, Mashu?"
She shakes her head. "I, uh, we, I mean Nobu and I attacked the Temple to try and get King Arthur back. I fought Attila and sh-she... beat me." A beat. "Y-Yeah. With no support. At all. Yes."
Ritsuka frowns. Did Medea do something to her? Medea definitely did something to her. "Oooooookay. And how did you get Nobu to help you?"
"...I made a deal."
He sighs. She seems incredibly clammy today. "Alright. Just… take it easy, Mashu. I'll get Kana to take you to medbay-"
"No it's fine I'll go myself!" Mashu hops to her feet with incredible speed and holds her shield up at Ritsuka, hiding her face like he wouldn't notice. "G-GOOD DAY, SENPAI!"
She runs off at full sprint without another word, and even Agility D is a pretty impressive speed, but he doesn't have time to deal with that. He looks over to his sister. "Kana, I'll leave the Sabers to you?"
"JUST HANG ON, OKITA! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Kana, being Kana, is being woefully overdramatic. She is kneeling besides their Japanese Saber, holding her hand in hers. "The medics are coming, Okita, don't close your eyes!"
"You will live, Okita!" Arturia is there as well, in seiza. Using her lap as a cushion for Okita. Okay then. "Just breathe, and talk! I do not want our first duel to be our last!"
"Heh… I finally… went down fighting…"
"NO OKITA CHOOSE LIFE!"
He rolls his eyes, pulls a gemstone loaded with a healing spell from his pocket, and tosses it at Kana's head. Idiot. She has healing magic too, but call it pity. Or irritation. Pirritation? Whatever.
He strolls in through the gigantic hole in the side of what was once Medea's Temple, dreading what he might find.
"You fucking what."
Nobunaga and Medea were awake, as turns out. Just too weak to move after the explosion. But they could be at full capacity and he would still kick both their asses. He holds them both up by the face, gripping tight on their skulls. They are heavy, sure, but reinforcement provides the strength, good leg posture provides the foundation, and sheer apoplectic fury provides the impetus. "You fucking what," he repeats.
"I asked her to pay with her body!" Nobunaga is completely unrepentant. She even sounds smug while in a literal headhold. "And Shielder accepted it! It's only fair that she give me her body for my help, so it can't be helped-GYAH IT'S TIGHT IT'S TIGHT!"
"I'm sure you're just wording it like that to get a rise out of me so just try me I have command seals," he snarls. "Also just in case I forget you made another bomb?! I said no bombs!"
"BOMBS ARE GOOD BOMBS ARE GREAT LET GO OF MY SKULL OR IT WILL BREAK"
"You're the great Demon King of the Sixth Heaven! Deal with it!" He grabs her head tighter and turns his sharp glare at the Witch of Colchis. "And you! What is wrong with you?!"
"Lancer stole my figures and Saber was right there so I decided-"
He tightens his grip over her head too. "Hey here's a tip don't kidnap people. If you really wanted to have Aunt Arturia in a photoshoot in cute outfits fucking ask her."
"B-But... our past history," Medea gasps. "She… would have… refused…!"
"You're an adult. She is an adult. Do what adults do. And talk like adults. You stupid love-drunk witch." He stops, trying and failing to get a handle on his anger. Ah fuck it he'll shout. "UNDERSTOOD?!"
She nods weakly - though considering he's holding her up by her head it's translated by her body kind of swaying. Ritsuka clicks his tongue and looks at the dark Saber. "And you! Are you Attila the Hun?"
She nods. "Yes, Master."
"You helped kidnap Arturia?"
She nods again. "Yes, Master."
Ritsuka exhales and tries to compartmentalise as much as possible. She's new, she seems like a blank slate, and she's not a repeat troublemaker or the mastermind of a kidnapping. "Why did you kidnap her, Attila?"
"Because she was cute. And could become cuter." Attila tilts her head. "Why?"
"...Kidnapping people because you find them cute is incredibly wrong, Saber. Don't do it."
She holds her tilt. "...Why?"
Ritsuka wants to throw his hands up. He really does. But his hands are quite literally full right now so instead he does it mentally. Figures, besides everything else that happened he's going to have to explain the concept of morality to Attila the fucking Hun. Who, in case he somehow forgot, is a magical girl from space. Or, at least, looks like one. He sighs with the weight of the world - and the consequences wrought by a bunch of fucking idiots - on his back and lets go of Nobunaga and Medea. Both of them land on the ground in crumpled heaps.
He points at Nobunaga. "You are going to be Da Vinci's guinea pig for a month." Ignoring her crushed expression, he points at Medea. "You are never going to have a Temple larger than a broom closet, and that means internal volume. No space shenanigans or I'm going to get angrier than Berserker." Ignoring her crushed expression, he points at Attila. "And you are going to be Da Vinci's guinea pig for two weeks."
"That's unfair, Master," Nobu mumbles.
"And that's two months," Ritsuka says.
"I'm sorry I'll be good."
The Master of Chaldea sighs and folds his arms. "We can't have this bullshit happen, people. The entirety of humanity and all history is literally at stake here. If another incident like this happens I'm going to have to get creative. Seriously. This isn't some stupid fucking Grail War. This is a war for the salvation of a species that no longer exists besides me, Kana, and the rest of Chaldea. Nobunaga is a born troublemaker-"
"Hey!"
"-three months-but you, Medea, are someone I trust." Ritsuka makes an aggrieved expression. "Please don't give me rescind that trust."
Medea says nothing. She looks away. That's probably the most he's going to get.
The ground rumbles behind him. He hears Arturia cry out 'OH GOD WHY' as Berserker enters the ruined chamber, and Ritsuka sees why; Herakles brings both Lancer and Archer with him by the leg, held up like slaughtered chickens. The black giant walks up to Ritsuka and drops both Lancer and Archer on the ground before grunting.
Ritsuka smiles at him. "Thank you, Berserker. You, I can trust to keep the peace."
Herakles grunts. He turns his gaze on Medea, yellow eyes firm and disappointed. Medea, unbelievably, wilts under his gaze. And wilts some more. And more, and more, the longer he keeps his gaze on her. It looks like the disappointment of the God of Strength is akin to a wasting curse, or a high power spotlight frying a dandelion.
...Shit, he's starting to feel pity for Medea.
"I'm sorry please don't look like that at me, Herakles," the witch wimpers quietly.
Okay now he definitely feels pity for Medea. "Berserker, wait for me outside."
Berserker complies and walks out, pebbles jumping with each of his footfalls. Ritsuka looks down at Medea, now more like the downtrodden and abandoned Princess instead of the old and bitter Witch. "...I'll consider letting you have a proper Temple again if you don't cause trouble for a while," Ritsuka offers.
"...Thank you, Master."
"Uuuuuuunfaaaaaaairrrrrrr," Nobunaga groans, face down on the ground.
"And that is six months." Ritsuka slaps his face. "Fuck me, even heroes are stupid."
- End Chapter Four -