"I'm going to ask Ritsuka out."

The words come suddenly from the frenchman's mouth. Marie and Atalanta both turn to d'Eon, their eyes wide in surprise as the former spy sits at the countertop, elbows lazily resting on its surface. In the aspect of a woman, she glances at each of them, smiling knowingly.

"Are you sure?" The Huntress asks. "I mean, he likes Shielder. You're going to get rejected."

Marie, however, nods encouragingly. "I support you unconditionally, d'Eon! Go forth and conquer! Viva la France!"

d'Eon chuckles and leans forwards, head resting in her palms. "What can I say? He's interesting, fun, and thoughtful."

"He's a pushover with no chill," Atalanta says ruefully, laying down on the kitchen's counter. He's also a talented mage and a pillar holding Chaldea together, but she doesn't say that because that's irrelevant to the matter at hand. "I wouldn't go for him. Too weak."

"'Lanta only dates men who best her!" Medea calls out from the kitchen. The Lioness' ears twitch and perk up as Atalanta's expression sours. "Beware of temples, she'll-"

"I WILL EAT YOU!" Atalanta snarls.

"Love you too, Atalanta~"

"Focus, Caster!" Archer chides, his words punctuated by the loud sizzle of oil. "You'll never defeat me at this rate!"

"Defeat? Hah! I will crush you like a bug, false hero! On my oath as Princess of Colchis!"

"Your oath has no value, Witch of Betrayal."

"Sh-Shut up and fry, fool!"

The green-blonde archer sighs and pulls up her hood over her ears, but they indent against the cloth and maintain their shape anyways. "I should wear a hat," she grumbles, vainly attempting to push her ears down so they stay flat against her scalp. Her eyes dart quickly to the spy-turned-Dragoon Captain. "Yeah basically Master's a wimp and you deserve better than a bottom."

d'Eon laughs, a melodious titter. "There's more to men than strength, Archer... Besides, I've been interested since France. What goes on in the mind of the one named Ritsuka Tohsaka, Master of Chaldea?"

The year is 2026... or it should be. It could be.

The year is probably 2026, and Chaldea is all that remains

Save the cheerleader, save the world

But in this incredibly tortured metaphor, the cheerleader is the past

Or maybe it's one of the Tohsakas, all of them look good in skirts

Well, good luck finding one

This scrawl is incredibly awkward

Very little cable TV exists in...

FATE/SUNNY ORDER

The reasons d'Eon gave the others were not the full story, however. The real reason they wish to date Ritsuka Tohsaka is something more indescribable; not for lack of trying, of course. The closest d'Eon had gotten to describing their feelings on the matter was one simple word - 'attraction.'

Not in the conventional, physical meaning; Ritsuka Tohsaka is alright, perhaps even handsome, but in terms of appearance the cool EMIYA, the stern 'Zhuge Liang', and the wild Cu Chulainn won in every category. Robin was also a better choice as a rugged and dashing rogue. And then if you were desperate (or just in the mood for muscles) Leonidas and Herakles were both waiting and... well one of them was semi-willing. Maybe. At least, no one knew Herakles' stance towards a relationship. Presumably it would involve a lot of incoherent roaring.

No, what d'Eon means is Ritsuka's attractiveness, how he draws people towards him, his charisma. His sister has it too, but the way each of them express it is vastly different. Kana is a social butterfly and, apologies in advanced, a scatterbrained dork. It's easy to see how people, even heroes, are drawn to someone like her, always bright, always cheery, and possessed of just enough insight for even the most cynical legend to turn their heads right before she makes a fool of herself again, almost like she's trying to be an idiot. A girl with a simple wish, and the desire to make connections. That is her attraction, and it's... mundane. Expected, as much as Kana was sure to hate that description. d'Eon likes Kana well enough, but she's a solved conundrum – or at least a normal sort of exception. One that d'Eon had personally encountered and handled many times during their life.

Ritsuka is... more difficult to place. He's not his sister. He's reserved, he's grouchy, he always seems like he's one Nobunaga away from melting down and stabbing the nearest person in the neck with his bare hands – or himself, if no one's in range. When he's not one step from violently snapping, he's either a sarcastic wit or the diligent worker. And sometimes, he is all of these things at the same time.

But he's always considerate. He's always polite to other people even he's in the middle of busting someone else's ass, and is kind and considerate to the innocent. When incidents happen he's driven with purpose to resolve it. When something needs to be done, he works at it tirelessly. And when nothing needs to be done, he finds something to do. Is it this mad drive that makes him their flag, someone that Heroes can rally around?

Or is it how he's a walking contradiction? Le Chevalier d'Eon is familiar with Magi, having dealt with them on more than one mission in the old days. They are cynical, inhuman monsters, devoid of compassion and entirely focused on their own works. Nothing is done with warmth or emotion. Nothing is done with sentiment. It's all for the sake of their research, decency or even humanity be damned. Nothing is sacred, not even life. And Ritsuka Tohsaka embodies this well.

Atalanta is wrong; Ritsuka is strong, not a pushover. Nothing will stop him if he does not want to stop, maybe not even death itself. Being easily bullied is just an act. No, not quite an act - if d'Eon had to describe it, it'd be something close to clothing. Important, but if necessary easily discarded if one had to go naked. Same with his compassion. His consideration. If he must discard these attributes, he will do so.

But he's also a good person. It is a mask surrounding a core of dark iron, but past the iron is humanity as well.

Is he a monster held back by his moral code? A good person taught that he must not stop at anything to fulfill his goals? Someone in between? d'Eon is not sure. The Saber, who has seen so many people, been so many people, does not know what Ritsuka Tohsaka is. He is an enigma. A living contradiction. A grouch, a joy, a monster, a hero, unceasing drive, frustrated failure, a day from becoming a nightmare, a constant bastion of sanity in this mad world. He is all of these things and more, at the same time. He is an enigma.

He... is interesting. Unique. A puzzle of a configuration that d'Eon had never encountered before, despite their lengthy career as a spy and infiltrator.

...Well, maybe that's why d'Eon is interested, then. Ritsuka is an enigma who should have never joined Chaldea, let alone been someone this suited to be a Master. And yet he is. And he is wholly human – his family proves it.

What did he go through? Who are his parents? What is he?

What more can he become?

d'Eon wants to know. Dating is the best, or at least most direct, way to do that. Emotional attachment was one of the easiest ways to worm secrets and understanding out of a mark, said the spymaster in d'Eon's head, and romance is one of the most potent tools in their arsenal. And if it becomes something more... well, why not?

This is why they seek out Ritsuka. This is why d'Eon will not stop, until they know.

So d'Eon follows Ritsuka around as a woman, watching for a lull in his routine, a quiet moment where she can sweep him off his feet, as d'Eon did so many times before, with so many others. He starts this day by performing a kata, probably to practice his style and maintain his mental edge. Then he goes to the cafeteria, grabs a coffee and some toast-

"Actually, Ritsuka," Archer says from the kitchen as Ritsuka returns his plate, "If you don't mind, I need to talk to you about something."

d'Eon wonders what this is about... Ah, right, Archer was there when she talked about it to Atalanta and Marie. Maybe should have made an effort to neutralize Archer's influence on the situation beforehand, perhaps some reason to get him out of the room. Too late now.

"What's it about, father?" Ritsuka asks.

Archer makes a dismayed expression at 'father', but brushes it aside. "I might not actually be your father, but I suspect that 'I' didn't give you that talk."

"I know where babies come from," Ritsuka says flatly. "I assure you, I am fully equipped to be elegant and graceful as the Tohsaka should be."

Archer gives him a look. "...Right. Elegant and graceful. Like your mother."

"Mom is elegant and graceful what are you talking about."

"Let's hope we never have to know," Counter Guardian EMIYA says, an uneasy look in his eyes. "But no, I meant the thing about girls."

"...There are a lot of things about girls. Whenever I think he's done, he's not." There is a distant, vacant look in his eyes. "He's never done. And I don't think he'll ever be done. And it's not his fault."

"Yeah, that's just an Emiya Shirou thing," Archer says with a sigh. "I'm taking a break now. We can talk in the cooler."

Ritsuka shrugs and steps into the kitchen. d'Eon lingers; this opportunity has slipped, but there will be others. Whatever the nameless Archer had to say to their 'son,' they could adapt to it. They've worked through tougher circumstances before.

"Alright, what you should come to terms with is the fact that French women are very good at getting what they want."

Ritsuka frowns as he says that. "What's this about?"

"I'm telling you the truths of your existence, Ritsuka. You are the son of Emiya Shirou. You are already doomed." The Counter Guardian says this with absolute, grim certainty, his arms crossed and his brow set. "Finns, too, are good at getting what they want. As are Japanese girls. In fact, if they come from a nation that starts with any of the first ten letters of the alphabet, you are already doomed."

"...That's most of the world," Ritsuka says flatly.

Archer nods mournfully. "It is the sad truth of your existence. You will be bullied by women. You will go along with what they want you to do. This is not some screed about social justice, or the role men and women should play. That doesn't matter. You, personally, are cursed to being attractive to all women in your life, who want to make you theirs." Archer pauses, remembering a certain friend who was a school council president. "...and men. Men too, I'm pretty sure in hindsight."

"I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself," Ritsuka grumbles.

"That is all well and good, but I have already seen it. Your defenses began weak. Against any concerted assault you will crumble. The only way to overcome it would have been a strict upbringing and strenuous training, but 'I' am your male role model in a household dominated by the fairer sex." Archer sighs, a nihilistic soliloquy for the lost. "Accept it, Tohsaka Ritsuka. You are the hero of an eroge."

"...I wish to vehemently reject any and all implications of a sister route," Ritsuka says after a long pause. "That is disgusting, and I'm pretty sure she's not into me."

"Anything can happen," Archer nods sagely, "I myself was the subject of my older sister's attractions."

"...Who?" Ritsuka looks up. "You have a sister? I have never heard of this."

"What sister?" Archer corrects smoothly. "I never said anything of the sort. I said I was the subject of many older womens' attractions."

"...I know you're hiding something, father, but whatever I don't care enough." Ritsuka sighs. "Alright, I'm the hero of the eroge of my life. What now?"

Archer raises one finger. "The tricks is what to do after you get seduced. While I am sure your father is more experienced in these matters, I have some tips to offer. The most important step is reinforcement."

"Of the legs?" Ritsuka asks hopefully.

"Ah, no. Most women who corner you will likely be Servants, so your best bet is to last as long as possible. With reinforcement..."

It is lunchtime by the time Ritsuka comes out, haggard and hollow. Kana spots him from her patio, eating some macaroni, and waves him over. He shambles towards her and takes a seat, his eyes a thousand yards away.

Hm. This is probably not the best time for d'Eon to ask... So they don't. It's not like they were on a schedule, they could afford to bide their time, wait for the right moment to strike. They return their attention to their tea, while listening very closely to what the twins were saying.

"Sup, bro?" The lively Tohsaka asks. "You have lunch yet? I wanted to go over team compositions with you! I was thinking that, with our current Servant lineup, we could..." She frowns and snaps her fingers in front of Ritsuka. He jolts and nearly falls back into the chair.

"I'm up! I'm up!"

"No," Kana says dryly, "You're dead. Welcome to hell."

Ritsuka looks around, watching the Servants and mundane Staff around them mill for lunch. "...I knew it," he sighs, "It looks exactly the same."

"...Wow. You seem deader than usual for lunchtime." Kana looks down at her macaroni and takes a slow spoonful of it. "Sho," she says, food still in her mouth, "You ohkay?"

"Please don't talk with food in your mouth," her brother sighs. He plants his head on the table and groans loudly. "Archer just gave me the talk."

She swallows and sucks on her teeth. "Don't you know where babies come from?"

"Not that talk, the one about how because I'm dad's son I'm apparently inexplicably attractive and so I'm fucked." Ritsuka groans and bangs his head on the table. "I'm not! He's not! It's literally not a problem why did I have to hear that."

Kana frowns and puts her spoon down. "Uh."

"I've literally never had a girlfriend you'd think that would have happened by now if it were true. And dad didn't start dating until he was seventeen and a war veteran."

"Uhm."

"And you know what? Dad got married to the first girl he liked and dated. And remains married to her. And no technicalities, Kana, I swear to fuck, the incineration of mankind does not-"

Kana leans forward and flicks him on the forehead.

"Ow! What?!" She flicks him again. "OW!"

"Guda." Kana is dead serious, not even the ghost of a cheeky smirk on her face. "Do you realise how many girls liked dad by the time he graduated high school?"

"...Mom?"

"And Auntie Arturia. And Aunt Sakura. And Aunt Mitsuzuri. And basically half the girls in school." Her gaze stays level and sharp, like a sword thrusting for his eyes. "And I haven't even gotten to his classmates at the Clocktower. Like, pardon my finnish, Aunt Luviagelita motherfucking Edelfelt."

"...You're fucking me. You just pulled four names out of a hat. A very small hat."

"Auntie Arturia was literally in a relationship with both our parents at the same time." She flicks him on the forehead again. "Stupid bint didn't you notice anything?!"

"OW! Hey!" He points at her and bats away her new attempts to flick him on the forehead. "First off, stop that! Second off, why would I pay attention to the romantic spiderweb of our married father? Actually, how do you know that?" His eyes widen. "Oh dear god are you telling me you wan-"

Kana falls back against her chair and sighs loudly, heavily, and exasperatedly, cutting her brother off before he could say something stupid that she'd need to make him regret. "Do you know why you never had to deal with this bullshit in school?"

"...Because no one cared?" Ritsuka asks. He jumps in his skin when Kana slams her fist on the table.

"Bruh. Bruh." She points at him with a finger trembling with rage. "You were an honor student and a fucking urban legend. Everyone knew your name! You graduated valedictorian! And even if you weren't an absolute legend for that bullshit you pulled in both the track team and the kyuudo club, people have eyes. And you, on the surface, are the kind of senpai that slays with a smile."

A moment passes in absolute silence between the two of them. Ritsuka opens and closes his mouth like a fish, seconds between each action. This has blown his mind, more than any sort of magecraft or angry punching.

"...Did you-"

"I will flick you again. I am not hot for my brother! That's disgusting! Fuck you for even thinking it!"

"Hey, hey!" Ritsuka holds his hands up defensively. "I agree! I completely, fully agree! But what are you getting at?!"

Kana, in a fit of rage, slaps her macaroni off the table and points her thumb at herself. "Guda, I beat off your legion of fangirls. And apparently I did such a good job that you didn't even realise you had a legion of fangirls."

Ritsuka just sits there, the truth of the world laid bare before him. And it is horrifying. "Oh."

"Yeah," Kana nods angrily, "'Oh'. You are goddamn welcome."

d'Eon absentmindedly works dealing with Kana into their plan of approach.

Ritsuka looks at her – through her – for the next minute. He looks up at the ceiling, then across the cafeteria. This seems to have shocked him to the core, d'Eon notes. Is their Master really this clueless about their charisma? It bears further study.

"So..." Ritsuka's eyes focus and he looks at his sister. She seems sad about her macaroni. Her fault for slapping it. "...Remember all those boys that tried hitting on you?"

"Hm?" Kana looks back at him and tilts her head. "If it's about that one time, didn't the confessions stop after I flung that one guy out a window?"

"Yeah, about that... the confessions actually intensified."

"Huh." She frowns. "Huh?" Her face relaxes. "Huh. Wait, really? Did you..."

"I may have had a street fight or five," Ritsuka admits. "Eventually the guys just decided that they had to defeat me to date you. And no one ever did, so." He sighs into a laugh, hands on his hips. "Funny how that works, huh? We were so busy covering for each other in high school that we didn't realise we were also being covered."

"Yeah, weird," Kana agrees. His sister tugs on her sidetail idly and leans forward against the table. "I wonder why they went for me, though... You were the senpai, but I was just kind of eh at kyuudo. Didn't even end up Captain."

Ritsuka works his jaw. "There were a few reasons. One or two obvious ones."

Kana frowns and looks down at herself. "Of fucking course," she groans.

"I more meant your cool style and confident attitude," Ritsuka says quickly. "I mean, teenage boys; they'll always be interested. But it wasn't just that, y'know?"

She sighs, smiling. "I guess. Thanks, bro." Kana takes one last look at her macaroni and whimpers at the loss before standing up. "Right, I don't think either of us are good for that strategy meeting today. Lunch tomorrow?"

"Right, when I see you then."

She leaves quickly, and Ritsuka is left looking up at the ceiling, blinking. Alone.

"...Dammit, dad," he mutters.

d'Eon, several tables over, mulls over how the new information they've obtained.

The information acquired paints an interesting hodgepodge of a map, d'Eon notes in their they learn has only made Ritsuka even more of an enigma than he already is. Archer seems to recognise his charisma as an inborn characteristic, but it is something he himself is largely ignorant of despite having acted to counter it in his own sister.

Taken in a vacuum, it more closely resembles a bunch of idiots drifting from event to event. But there has to be more to it. This quality cannot be incidental. Pure chance cannot have produced the ideal Masters for Chaldea. Is it related to how they refer to the King of Knights as 'auntie'? Have they grown up around legendary figures all their lives?

d'Eon has learned nothing. The mystery only deepens. Closer observation is necessary. First-hand observation.

There is a knock on the door. d'Eon opens it, and finds Mashu Kyrielight, Demi-Servant Shielder, standing there with a frown in her eyes. "Uhm... Saber d'Eon, can we talk?"

d'Eon nods and stands aside. "Of course," they say, and gesture for Mashu to step in. The purple-haired girl walks in as the door shuts behind her, and she sits after d'Eon gestures for her to do so. The silence is slightly awkward and offputting. Someone will have to break the ice. d'Eon watches on calmly, wondering if she has the will to make her own decision.

"Le Chevalier d'Eon," Mashu says, her voice clear and firm, "I would ask that you not ask Ritsuka-senpai out."

It is that matter after all. What else could it possibly be? "Why would I?" The former spymaster asks. "Ritsuka Tohsaka is currently single. Anyone could ask, and it wouldn't even be wrong. What matters is his decision, isn't it?"

Mashu is defiant. "It is an open secret that we like each other, so I would greatly appreciate if you would acknowledge our feelings, and not intervene." She looks down, looking sad, but Shielder hardens her heart. "I l-like Ritsuka-senpai, a-and he's mine. He should be mine."

"Is it?" d'Eon asks. They step closer to Mashu, looming over her. "As I understand, you rejected him when he tried confessing to you."

Her face flushes red, and Mashu dares not make eye contact. "Ye-Yes, but I was... I was flustered! I didn't expect it to happen so suddenly! A-And it doesn't change my feelings or his feelings!"

"Ah," d'Eon sighs, "But by rejecting him... didn't you forfeit your chance?"

"T-That's...!"

She falls on the bed, flat on her back. d'Eon follows her, holding themselves over Mashu with her hands on the bed. Mashu looks up at d'Eon's face so close to hers, her face red, her breath quick.

"That's fine," d'Eon purrs. "I don't mind sharing."

"W-Wuh?" Mashu babbles. Her coherence has taken leave, only raw, confused emotion remains. "H-Huh?!"

"You also interest me, Mashu Kyrielight," d'Eon says to her, smiling. "And, as I understand it, neither of you know what love is like. I do. And I am willing to teach."

"T-That's, I-I-I MEAN-"

d'Eon chuckles, low and lusty. They lean in close, and whisper in her ear. "Would you like to know why no one loves like the French?"

"-!"

It is too much for her. Mashu goes limp, her eyes rolled up into her skull, her body twitching uncontrollably, a streak of red dripping from her nose. d'Eon smirks as they extricate themselves and leave the room. It seems that she is still too innocent for their Master. But that isn't bad, either. It is an appealing look, one d'Eon has used before – and if it is genuine, all the better.

d'Eon chuckles as they close the door behind them. Time to hunt.

"So, uh."

Getting cornered by an androgynous french spy in the hallway right outside your room is a very good way to practice your mental acuity, Ritsuka realises. It has to be the only reason why a bunch of information is suddenly highly relevant. Like why Archer told him about french girls. Or Reinforcement. Or why d'Eon was there at the cafeteria when he was talking to Kana. Now it all makes sense.

In the end, this is the future he has to face. No way to go but forward.

"...Can I help you?" Ritsuka asks.

"You are an interesting person, Master," Le Chevalier d'Eon says outright, their voice a low, sultry purr. "I wish to get to know you more... intimately."

Right. This bullshit. If only he did get hit on in high school, it might have prepared him for this. Still, Archer might be wrong. Ritsuka takes a deep breath. "Listen, d'Eon... I appreciate the thought, but I'm busy as heck right now. As it turns out, saving the world is a full time committment, and I don't think I have the energy left to devote myself to a special pers—woah!"

He stumbles back, his heart in his throat, as the wall behind him caves in, and Ritsuka finds himself on the ground, with the french Saber practically straddling him. He feels their breath on his cheek, and decides that things have gotten extremely awkward.

Wait that's right Le Chevalier d'Eon has Strength A.

When the fuck did that happen.

"You're stalling, Ritsuka Tohsaka," d'Eon says, somewhere between anger and acceptance. "Get. To. The. Point."

"I-I-I'm saying I'm b-busy saving the world, m-managing Servants, d-d-dealing with my sister, f-fighting, an-and everything else!" He says quickly, practically blabbering. "I-I mean sure, awesome! Y-You're nice! You are v-very pretty! A-And French! A-And I appreciate that you've c-come to support us to s-save humanity! An-And-"

"But," d'Eon breathes. "You're not ready."

And just like that, the spy is off him. Ritsuka scrambles to an upright position as d'Eon stands up and faces away.

"You're not ready for a relationship," they say again. "Yet. And that's okay. I can wait."

They look over their shoulder at Ritsuka, hands clasped behind their back. "I look forward to the day we rendezvous, Master. And don't worry about Shielder; she seems enthusiastic about our Ménage à trois."

They head off before Ritsuka can say anything else, leaving him alone in the silence again. This happens distressingly often with him. He stands up, leaning against an upright section of his room's wall, trying to get a grip on himself.

"...Wait, d'Eon said threesome in french," he mutters, eyes widening slowly in realisation and shock. He looks up at the ceiling and frowns. "Huh..."

He sits there, not even caring that there is a giant hole in his wall at this hour of the day.

"...Dad, it's me. An androgynous french spy with the power to change their gender on demand has offered to partake in a threeway with me and my crush. Are you proud of me?"

There is no answer. Of course there wouldn't be, his father is dead with the incineration of humanity, and will be until he saves the timeline. But somehow, Ritsuka can feel his father's resigned, supportive nod.

- End Chapter Eight -

Late at night, in the kitchen, Arturia Pendragon sits at the counter eating a parfait, surrounded by a pile of dessert cups. Archer stands beside her, cleaning a plate to radiant perfection with a dishrag.

"...Archer, I get the feeling you gave Ritsuka the talk." The King of Knights looks over at him, an alternate version of the man she loves. "Tell me, did you know Ritsuka has never received the confessions of another girl?"

She sticks her leg out, just in time to catch the plate just right to keep it from shattering. You know, because Archer drops it.

"...Excuse me?" He asks, an eyebrow raised. "From what Kana tells me, he was the Tohsaka of his generation, a beloved and respected honor student with many admirers. How did he of all people never receive a love confession?"

"Kana," Arturia replies simply, and all becomes clear. She takes another bite of parfait and delights in the almonds mingling in the ice cream. "Incidentally, Kana is much the same. Ritsuka fought of all of her admirers."

"...I told him about Reinforcement with the assumption that he was ready for it," Archer says with growing horror. "I have failed on every level."

"Ritsuka already knows about Reinforcement," Arturia says casually. Archer ignores her; best she not know, even if she knows exactly the kind of 'Reinforcement' he means.

"...In retrospect, I should have just told him to look out for Le Chevalier d'Eon," EMIYA sighs.

"Mm. Probably." Arturia plants her spoon into the cup with a clatter and pushes it towards the Red Man. "Another, please."