It started with an idle thought.

"How did the Fifth War go, for everyone?"

As they say, idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Seated around a large table in Archer and Arturia's favourite lounge room, the seven Servants involved in the Fifth War discuss thait individual roles during the conflict. For some, it is out of a burning need to know. For others, it is a way to pass the time. For Archer EMIYA, it is the least painful way he has relived the same Grail War thus far.

No one knows why Gilgamesh is interested, but he brought the drinks so no one cares.

"Alright, I think I have it," Archer says, tapping the notebook he projected twice. As the one who has gone through the War most – even if not everyone accepts that he has been the Archer in more than one iteration, everyone knows that he is the future crystalisation of a Shirou Emiya, and has gone through it at least twice. "So, we start with Ilya summoning Berserker several months before the war, in Germany."

The hulking giant, whose frame dominates the couch on one side, grunts gruffly. He glares significantly at a certain blonde King, who at least has the courtesy to look away.

"So Ilya summons Berserker and supports him independently for those several months, as part of 'Einzbern training'," Archer says while adding airquotes. No one present actually belives it was for training, and Arturia is in the unique position of agreeing that the Einzbern are assholes. "Then, during the war itself, Lancer and Caster were summoned a few days prior to prepare. Yes?"

"Indeed," Medea nods. "My Master was a Clocktower Magus who fueled his magecraft with human sacrifice. I showed him a better way, he tried to murder me. So I set his workshop on fire and let the children go before finding my Souichirou-sama minutes before expiring."

"That's convenient," Medusa says testily.

"That's love," Caster says pointedly.

Cu grunts in grudging agreement. "Meanwhile, I was summoned by my type of woman, but minutes after I appeared the fucking priest tore her arm off, stole her command seals, and left her for dead. And immediately spent one on me to go investigate the other Servants and not fight them." He scoffs irritably. "What an asshole."

"Kotomine is an asshole, yes," Gilgamesh says idly, swirling a glass of wine, "But what an entertaining asshole he was!"

Cu rolls his eyes. "I had to be in the same space as that asshole, too. But I guess he's alright now. But god damn what an asshole."

Oh? Are you anxious?" Gilgamesh chuckles and pulls a jar of oil from the Gate of Babylon. "My arena is not yet complete, but we could spar."

"Hell yeah, asshole!"

"We get it, you're obsessed with assholes." Archer rolls his eyes and scoffs. "Freaking celts."

"You want a go too?! Bring it!"

"Anyways," Arturia coughs loudly, "Then came the first days of the Fifth War. Rider was summoned by the Matou, Archer not long after by Rin, and I appeared as the last Servant. Caster bound Assassin to the gate around this time too."

"Ah, Sasaki," Medea sighs, "He had such a clever tongue... Now if only he were a girl and more respectful. But, needs must. And he was a reasonable enough gatekeeper." She glances at Archer. "With some exceptions."

The red man shrugs, "I told you to move, Caster."

"You stabbed me full of swords."

"Again. Told you to move." Archer smirks. "Didn't you learn, Caster? Everything I did was for the sake of my goal."

"If you wanted to kill yourself so badly, Archer, you could have just stabbed the boy full of swords."

"Focus!" Saber hisses, and order returns to the lounge. She sighs. "Honestly, if we keep getting distracted by the slightest murder-death-kill... Regardless, there was also that fight between Lancer and Archer on the school grounds."

"I nearly killed him despite only having a tenth of my power," Cu laughs. "What a weakling!"

"I had something in mind for Gae Bolg," Archer says casually. "Your victory wasn't as certain as you think."

The Lancer scowls. "And what is it you had?"

"That would be telling."

"Then you were going to die! But then the kid... who turned out to be you... Saved your life." Cu frowns, glaring at the Counter Guardian. "Did you plan that?"

Archer smiles smugly. "It would be telling."

Everyone at that table knows Archer is selling a load of shit. But no one is sure enough that they would call him out on that. Despite the incredible complexity and convoluted nature of his plot, everyone agreed that he did basically play everyone. But only because only an idiot would try to kill himself in such a roundabout fashion despite being an Archer with access to A-Ranked Broken Phantasms.

"Bullshit, faker. You didn't remember those memories until you saved the boy at the Temple."

Well, there was Gilgamesh, who could cheat with his Clairvoyance . What a man.

EMIYA shrugs. "Can you say for certain?"

"Moving on," Arturia sighs, "Around this time, Rider had already fed on people for mana, leading to the incidents happening all over Fuyuki. Which we will get to eventually. Lancer killed Shirou, Rin saved his life, he stumbled home, got attacked by Lancer again, and then I was summoned to protect him."

Lancer nods. "Sounds about right. That kid is tough. He doesn't die when he is killed, not when that troublesome girl is around! Though, I guess she's a troublesome lady now."

"Extremely troublesome," Archer agrees. "I'd ask our Masters how Rin is like as a mother... but I'm worried about what I will learn."

"We then went to the Church, Shirou making me wear that godawful raincoat instead of something sensible like a suit, and they met the priest, who is an asshole."

"What an asshole," Archer nods.

"Total fucking asshole," Cu agrees.

"My kind of asshole," Gilgamesh grins.

Saber nods. "And then we fought Berserker. It was a good fight. I killed him once, which was good. Then Archer killed him a second time and nearly murdered Shirou in the blast wave."

Archer shrugs. "Acceptable losses."

Medusa adjusts her glasses, newly acquired from the Caster sitting next to her. "Perhaps you are simply bad at committing suicide, Archer."

The Counter Guardian turns his hawk-like eyes on the Gorgon-to-be. "Much like you were, Rider?"

"...Ganguro player," Medusa hisses, like a snake.

"Now where did that come from?" Archer asks with a frown.

"You know. Ganguro player," she hisses again.

Archer sighs. "How do you know what that is? Have you been talking to Kana?"

Arturia shakes her head. "Focus, the two of you. How did I become the narrator, Archer?"

"You do such a good job of it, Saber. I felt you deserved the opportunity."

"Mmh." Pleased at being praised, Arturia continues. "The next day, I go with Shirou to deliver food to the Archery Club, and I had an encounter with Souichirou Kuzuki. He was firm but fair, and he possessed exceptional control over himself." Saber lets out a breath. "Shame that he was Caster's Master, and our enemy. Though, we didn't know at the time."

Caster lets out a happy nostalgic sigh, while everyone else rolls their eyes. Some enviously, some just because it's annoying.

"Rin and I also investigated some gas leaks that night and concluded that Caster was at Ryuudo Temple," Archer says. "It might seem like a leap in logic, but it wasn't. Also Rin promised to kill the idiot if he gets in her way, the liar."

And then the very next day," Saber sighs heavily, "Against my peerless advice, Shirou decides to go to school without me. And is attacked by Rin, who also didn't bring her Servant. Predictably, they are attacked by Rider, but they manage to chase her away." Saber looks smugly at Rider. "Your thoughts?"

"Shinji is useless," Medusa says simply, to unanimous agreement.

"What a spineless wimp," Cu remarks.

"Completely unremarkable," Medea says.

"Fun to bully, more fun to silence," Gilgamesh shrugs.

"He used to be better," Archer says meekly.

"I will abstain," Arturia nods. "Shirou and Rin struck up an alliance that night against Caster and Rider. Then one night Caster kidnapped my Master."

"I would contest that," the Princess of Colchis says. "He walked to the Temple."

"You possessed his body."

"But it wasn't a kidnapping, technically~"

"...I am not doing this." Saber turns back to the others. "So Shirou was kidnapped, and I rushed to save him but then Assassin stopped me at the gate. Fortunately Archer was around and then saved him and then slashed him."

"He should have moved," Archer says with a smirk, "Learned from Caster's example."

Saber glares at him. "I thought you were going to do your best now."

"I am. But tell me, Saber, how did you get beaten back by a phantom?"

Saber flushes and tries to answer, but then Lancer steps in. "Hey, easy on the lady. I got beaten back too."

"As was I," Rider nods. "Assassin was a surprisingly difficult obstacle. Though, with more mana, I could have blown through."

Archer frowns. "Wait, did everyone try to attack Caster?"

Nearly everyone nods, Berserker included. Only Gilgamesh doesn't, because he's too busy pouring another drink.

"...Huh. Well, I suppose Ryuudo Temple would be quite a base."

"I am twice-blessed Medea of Colchis," Caster says with a smile.

"...So the day after that, against my advice, Shirou goes to school without me again," Saber seethes. "That boy was… is… was a dense block of stone! And wouldn't you know it, Bloodfort Andromeda activates and the school is knocked out. And is then subsequently attacked by skeleton warriors."

"You sound slightly bitter, Saber-" Lancer starts.

"I AM! WHAT A WASTE OF A COMMAND SEAL!"

"It was quite foolish, yes," Archer nods. "That said, matters were quickly dealt with."

Rider nods. "A certain teacher punched my head off."

"It wasn't off!" Caster gasps. "It was just… tentatively attached!"

"Rider nods and sips at her tea. "I suppose. Nonetheless, Shinji was absolutely worthless throughout that entire debacle."

Saber frowns at her. "Rider, you seem incredibly critical about Shinji. Should I be worried for our Masters?"

Rider shakes her head. "I have no such concerns with our current Masters. Ritsuka and Kana seem like good, capable young adults. Who are not Shinji."

"...Right."

"...You know, Rider," Lancer frowns, "Thinking about it, you really didn't do much at all in the Fifth War." He raises a hand before Rider can speak again. "Yes yes, I know, useless Shinji. But that means I don't actually know how strong you are!"

Rider tilts her head owlishly at Lancer. "Would you like to know?"

Cu's grin turns feral. "When would I like to know?"

"Not now," Saber growls, seconds from releasing Strike Air and bonking everyone on the head. And for Lancer, who will dodge the table due to an unfairly strong skill, she will stab him a little. Just a little. "So after all that, Shirou and Rin investigated Homurahara for Caster's Master, we confronted Souichirou Kuzuki and Caster on the road to Ryuudo Temple, and Kuzuki beat me up."

Lancer suppresses a snigger. Gilgamesh doesn't even try. Rider gives a sympathetic-yet-vindictively-happy look, and Caster swoons at the mention of her beloved again. Saber, her face death, draws Excalibur-

"And the idiot projected for the first time there," Archer continues smoothly, "Apparently using Kanshou and Bakuya. And he was able to hold Soichirou off long enough for Saber to scare them off. Because Souichirou Kuzuki is an assassin. Who specialises in surprise attacks. And was also augmented by Caster to the level of a Servant."

Saber looks at Archer. She nods appreciatively at him for the save, and decides not to draw on the Wind Hammer just yet.

"But were Saber's Master not a total incompetent who forged a new circuit every time he used magecraft, she might have fended Kuzuki off immediately and ended the threat then and there," Archer concludes. "So in conclusion, Emiya Shirou is also useless."

"Less, to be fair," Caster says, "He did produce our Masters."

"That is entirely Rin."

Saber seethes. "I thought you were doing your best, Archer?"

"I am. Doing my best to reaffirm just how much of an idiot Emiya Shirou is."

"So you just called yourself an idiot?" Gilgamesh asks.

Archer looks at him, dead-serious. "Yes," he replies, dead as the night.

Gilgamesh looks at him. Everyone looks at him. And the King of Heroes laughs. "Fair point! Carry on, faker."

Archer sighs. "Of course, Rin is also an idiot. Because she took the idiot out on a date in the middle of the war right after."

"That's… interesting," Rider suggests.

"That's… true," Saber admits, sufficiently chided.

"Oh, how romantic!" Caster gushes. "Ah, if only I could have gone on a date with Souichirou-sama… Ah, we were so close…"

Herakles just grunts. Whether it is in support or in opposition will never be known, because Ritsuka isn't here to translate.

"That's amazing," Lancer laughs. "I wish I went out on a date in the middle of the war!" He ponders. "...That fucking priest robbed me of that chance. Fucking asshole."

"What is your idea of a date?" Caster asks, one eyebrow raised.

Lancer shrugs. "We hit the town, have lunch, fool around, and then fight. Sounds like a great time!"

Everyone looks at Cu now, with varying degrees of concern.

"...What? It's not weird."

"It is a bit," Saber says dryly. "But yes, Rin took us out on a date to Shinto. It was, I have to admit, a good time." Saber smiles serenely at the memory, the three of them in the park, just eating sandwiches. "Of course, I've gone out with them on family outings since, together with Ritsuka and Kana, and they were fun as well. But that first time will always be something I cherish."

Her expression sours, and Arturia glares at Caster. "Until someone attacked and kidnapped me."

"You were literally asking for it," Caster says smugly. "Going on a date in the middle of a war? You'd have to be a fool or be invincible!"

"YOU JUST SAID IT WAS ROMANTIC!"

"And romance has no place on the battlefield! That's why I intended on winning first!"

"You broke the rules of engagement by attacking in the day!"

"Foolish Saber! Rules are made to be broken!"

"So are faces! SO LEAN FORWARD!"

Archer sighs. "After that I told Rin to abandon Shirou, and she listened for once. Not after healing him, though, the sentimental idiot."

"Ah, so she'd already fallen for him by then," Lancer says, nodding knowingly. "Ah, that's no good kid… You were doomed from the start."

Something explodes. A gust of wind like a shockwave blows past all of them. Only the constitution of a Servant keeps their skin from being blasted off their flesh. They turn to the source with idle curiosity and find Saber and Caster wrestling over Rule Breaker and Excalibur.

"That knife is useless when we have the SAME MASTER!"

"And that sword is useless when swinging it KILLS EVERYONE!"

"APOLOGISE, CASTER!"

Medea smiles cruelly. "You will have to defeat my Enforcers first!"

Saber's face turns to shock and then back to anger. "You witch… what have you done to them!"

"I have shown them the light!" Medea raises a bare hand, not for any real reason but just as a flourish. "COME, ALTERA! ATALANTA! HEED MY SUMMONS!"

As the door slides open quietly and the wall is blasted open, Archer and Lancer both sigh as they turn to Gilgamesh. "Drink me," EMIYA sighs.

"I'll have twice what he has," Cu nods astutely.

Herakles grunts, and holds up three fingers.

Gilgamesh chuckles and shakes his head, while golden portals deposit gold-plated canned beers into their hands. "Drink, you mongrels, for today we are as brothers."

They clink their beers together, right as Altera and Arturia punch each other's fists, and the world is blown away by force.

The door is kicked open, and an irate Ritsuka Tohsaka stomps in, hands like claws. "I HEARD AN EXPLOSION WHO DID IT?!"

"More tea, Caster?" Arturia asks politely.

"Why thank you, Saber," Medea responds kindly.

Before him, the lounge room is perfectly intact. Arturia, Medea, Altera and Atalanta are all seated around one table, drinking tea and laughing politely like noblewomen. Well, except Atalanta, who is glumly resting her head on the table and occasionally pawing at her teacup, but it is a normal sight all in all. The men are on the couch far from the door, Cu, Archer, and Herakles looking glumly at their gold-plated beer cans while Gilgamesh looks smugly on at everything. Medusa is on the other side, sitting in a chair, reading a book quietly.

"Oh, Master," Altera waves, holding her teacup up with pinky extended. "Would you like tea? We have cups." She offers another cup, shaped like a purring cat. Ritsuka then notices that her own teacup is shaped like a purring cat, too.

"...No thanks, Altera. Thank you." He looks sharply at the girls around the table, all of them but Atalanta holding their teacups with a pinky extended like posh noblewomen. "If you hear any explosions, tell me."

"Of course, Ritsuka," Arturia nods.

"You shall be the first to know," agrees Medea.

"Bluh," grunts Atalanta.

Ritsuka narrows his eyes but says nothing, as he slides slowly out of the door. A minute passes as the four of them continue their teatime, waiting for Ritsuka to really be gone.

When he's finally gone, Saber throws her teacup away and clutches at her head, in perfect sync with Caster. "OH MY GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE," Arturia wails.

"I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE SHOEBOX," Medea cries out hysterically.

"SCARE IS NOT CUTE," Altera weeps, sobbing uncontrollably.

Atalanta rolls her eyes, still face down on the table. "Meh. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Pretty much," Kana agrees. "Though I'm impressed at how quickly you three fixed the walls! Honestly kind of wish he did find out, the construction teams could use the help!"

The three of them freeze, and slowly turn their heads to their other Master. Kana is sitting on Archer's lap, happily waving at them with a gold-plated beer can in her hand as well. She takes a swig, only winces at the taste a bit, and then crushes it against her head. "That's pretty strong," she rasps to Gilgamesh. "What is it?"

"Hops," the King responds blandly. "What else would beer be made of?"

"This is strong I thought it was wine!"

"Ancient babylonian hops are far stronger than the lesser weeds your people currently ferment into yellow piss." Gilgamesh looks askance at Cu, happily chugging away. "Though I suppose some mongrels like that sort of thing."

"HOW ARE YOU HERE?!" Arturia and Medea screech, again in synch.

"I was spelunking in the Gate of Babylon!" She says cheerfully. Kana frowns. "Actually, how did that happen? I thought you didn't let anyone in, Gil."

"I thought it would be amusing to show you my collection, Master," the King sniggers. "Feast your eyes, for this will be the only time I permit it."

"Is the original air conditioner really just a large fan, though?"

"It is better than any 'air conditioner' you use today," Gilgamesh responds, matter-of-factly. "But yes. Yes it is."

Kana nods. "Fascinating." She hops off the Red Archer's lap and plants her hands on her hips. "Anyways! If you two do that shit again I'm telling Rits, and then you'll both be begging for the shoebox!" She sees how Saber and Caster both go ghostly white, and laughs. "I'm just kidding! As long as you fix your shit, I don't care. Anywho, I have a lesson to skip, so... Gilgamesh, can I get a ride?"

The King harrumphs. "For that impudence, Master, I am going to put you in a random place inside the Gate, and you will have to make your own way out." A golden portal swallows Kana up, and stays open just long enough for Kana to shout 'CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!'

Archer, looking at all of this, is not sure what to say. Once again that girl has rendered him speechless. "So, anyways. The, ah. Fifth War."

"Oh, look. Something I don't care about." Atalanta stands up, puts her chair back in, and picks the shaking Altera up on her back. "I'm going to look after this big baby and then I'm going to wrestle a log."

"Just ask Leonidas, gods," Medea sighs, "He's capable enough to spar you in Pankration."

"No. Good day." Atalanta nods briefly, and then she's off.

"The Fifth War," Archer repeats. "Rin and I assault Caster at the Church, after she attacked it and Kotomine."

"Killed him, then and there," the Witch of Colchis smirks.

"...No, you didn't," Archer tells her straight. "He lived. Lancer killed him."

Medea scowls at him. "I had him surrounded by bone warriors! He couldn't have escaped!"

"Well evidently he did," Saber says. "Rin recounted the experience to me a few days later."

Lancer nods. "Yep. And I'd know it was him, he's my Master. So I stabbed him right in the fucking heart, after he told me to kill myself," Cu grins. "Asshole forgot I had Battle Continuation! What an asshole. Then I set the castle on fire just to make sure."

"Are you sure he's dead?" Medea asks deviously. "For all you know, he escaped with his life, too."

Lancer looks at her. "I set the fire right next to him. It would be impossible."

"You'd think so. You'd really think so."

Saber shudders. "The both of you are horrible. I don't want to believe in a world where Kotomine Kirei is still alive."

Cu nods, and downs his beer. "You and me both."

"...Right," Archer grunts. "So Rin and I confront Caster and Souichirou in the church basement, where they were trying to break Saber, and I believe Caster made her wear a dress-"

"Archer betrayed Rin and joined Caster, complete with Rule Breaker severing his contract with her, and basically guaranteeing her death," Saber snaps quickly, before anyone can inquire about the dress.

"Again, as I said," Archer repeats, "Everything I do is for the sake of my plan."

"Your plan was to kill Shirou and try to erase yourself from the Throne!"

"No, my plan is more complex than that. You misunderstand, Saber."

"Then what is your plan?" She asks, arms folded. "Come, tell us. What is your goal?"

"...To kill the idiot and show him the mistake of his ideal, while also ideally placing Rin in a position to win the war. By contracting with you."

Everyone nods once, now that it is out in the open. "Fair," Arturia says, "But then if that's what you wanted, why didn't you, say... shoot Shirou with your bow? You know, like an Archer."

Everyone turns to the Counter Guardian, awaiting his response. It had better be good.

"You would have blocked," Archer sniffs.

"Yes, but not forever!"

"So you say. Besides, I did, against Berserker." Archer says. "Caladbolg II is mean to do more than hurt Herakles. That's why I used an Anti-Army Noble Phantasm on a single target, instead of something more personal."

"Wait hold on what?" Lancer takes a swig of beer, hoping the taste will help this factoid go down easier. It does not. "You what?! How?!"

Archer frowns at the Celt. "My Reality Marble lets me collect and replicate swords, Lancer. You know this."

"Caladbolg is a drill."

"It is a drill sword," Archer corrects. "Close enough."

"Alright then riddle me this, asshole: Why can't you replicate his drill sword?"

"Because Ea is beyond the grasp of a filthy faker like him," Gilgamesh sneers.

"Because I don't like fidget spinners," Archer responds flatly.

Everyone looks at him. Gilgamesh almost sputters, but he's too dignified for that. So he just scowls instead. "Excuse me?" He growls. "You dare compare the Sword of Rapture to a toy?"

"Well, no, think about it," Arturia says, "It has three separate cylinders, and it spins. And it is red and gold and patterned. Archer might be onto something."

Gilgamesh sucks on his teeth. "Very well. We shall test that hypothesis." He draws a strange key from the Gate and raises it into the air. Red circuits paint themselves into the air, past the ceiling, and then contract rapidly back down into his hand. There is light, and then there is the greatest sword of the King of Heroes.

Archer takes one enraptured look at it, and immediately doubles over, massaging his eyes. "Fuck me I forgot how much that hurts," he hisses.

Gilgamesh smirks as he looks at Saber. "You make a fair point, Saber. It is a fidget spinner. And I quite like it." Ea rotates briefly, and causes the wind to shift.

"Don't do that," Saber sighs in dismay. "Ritsuka will come back."

Gilgamesh acquiesces, and sheathes the weapon back into the Gate. Archer is still bent over, screaming like a slowly deflating balloon. Lancer and Herakles both pat him on the back, each smack like a gunshot.

"Stop," he moans irritably, still rubbing his eyes.

Saber nods. "Shirou came to save her, and they were allowed to leave. Needing help, they went to the Einzbern castle in the hopes of getting Berserker to help them." She glances at Gilgamesh. "They could not get her help."

Gilgamesh swirls a cup of wine, pondering his words. "Saber, if you could kill all the fools in the world and make mankind great again, would you not jump at the opportunity?"

"As I am not a psychopath, I will not," she replies immediately. "I do not intend to murder anyone, provided they do not hurt my family."

"Hurt how?" Gilgamesh asks. "Physically? Emotionally? Psychologically?"

"Just know that if you go too far I will be ramming the full length of Excalibur, hilt included, down your throat and clean through your bum cheeks," she says with an unsettlingly happy smile.

Gilgamesh laughs. "Fair enough! You are as a lion with her cubs, Saber. Though, I suppose that would be true."

Herakles grunts, his unflinching glare having been laid on Gilgamesh this entire time, his yellow-gold eyes harsh and uncompromising. Gilgamesh looks back at a fellow demigod. "Berserker, we have talked about this. It was necessary." He looks down at his wine, and swirls it again. "I will speak no more of it."

There is a contemplative beat, as everyone ponders the implications of his silence.

"...So they were moping in the woods," Lancer says, just to break the sad mood, "And then I showed up and offered to help! And you know what the kid did? It was amazing!" He slaps Archer on the back again. "Do you want to know, Archer? Do you want to know why he's way better than you?"

"Stop," Archer says, still bent over.

Cu laughs. "The kid tells me to back off from his woman! It was great! That's why I respect the red-headed bastard while you are an asshole. Who is surprisingly good with drinks," Lancer admits, "But still an asshole."

"Stop saying Asshole. Seriously."

"Then we shook hands," Lancer nods. "What a man, that boy. And he even proved it by taming the girl and being a father! Of twins!" He chuckles, scratching his nose. "The best part was the girl's reaction, though. She's the type who lies to herself, so being forced to confront her love was amazing. Your Master is the best part about you, Archer."

"Actually," Saber says with finger raised, "Rin was the one who tamed Shirou, because... Nevermind, it doesn't matter. Move on."

Lancer nods. "So we moved on the Church at night. And I fought Archer here." Lancer laughs and shakes his head. "Asshole has a shield Noble Phantasm! Blocked by spearthrow with 'Rho Aias' or something, which is a pretty weird name if you ask me!"

"It's the shield of Hektor you plebian," Medea hisses. She frowns and pinches her chin. "Wait, no, not Hektor's... Who owned it..."

"...Ajax," Herakles says.

"Yes," Medea nods, "It was Ajax. Thank you-"

She turns to look at Berserker. Berserker just looks back at her. "Did you just talk, Herakles?"

"Wasn't listening," Rider says blandly.

"Hm sorry what?" Cu says.

"It was Ajax," Archer repeats.

"I'm sorry I spaced out," Saber says apologetically.

Gilgamesh leans backwards. "I did not care enough to hear."

Medea rolls her eyes, not sure of herself anymore. "Fascinating. All of you are wonderful."

"Your compliments are not necessary witch," Gilgamesh replies.

Now, Cu crosses his arms and looks at Archer. "It's literally 'raw ass', you tell me it doesn't sound weird."

"It's not 'raw ass' it's Rho Aias, get your mind out of the gutter," Archer grumbles.

Rider tilts her head and looks at the Counter Guardian. "It might not be, but you certainly sound like you have one, Archer."

Archer groans and rubs his temples some more. "Kill me."

"I'd tell you to kill yourself," Rider says, "But you seem to be especially bad at it."

"This is getting nowhere," Saber sighs. "Look, while Lancer and Archer fought, Shirou and Rin went to confront Caster and Souichirou. Rin countered enough of Caster's spells to hit her thrice with her martial arts-"

"Which are entirely nonsensical and unfair," the Caster in question complains.

"-While Shirou struggled to survive against Souichirou. Rin was unable to finish Caster off, and then Archer shot Caster full of swords." Saber stops thoughtfully to recollect her memories. "Then Archer kills Souichirou-"

"I'm sorry what?!"

"I let him leave," Archer corrects. "He insisted on fighting for your sake. I simply obliged."

"...Ah, Souichirou-sama~"

Caster swoons, and Rider rolls her eyes. She takes out a small notebook and makes a note.

"...So Archer then kicks us around for a bit, Rin establishes a contract with me, and I stomp Archer into the ground. And then he deploys his Reality Marble." She looks significantly at the Red Man. "Archer, you can control all the blades in your world, correct?"

"It is the literal foundation of my magecraft, yes," the Counter Guardian grunts, already expecting the question.

"Then why didn't you, I don't know... shoot Shirou with swords?"

"Would it have broken his ideal?" Archer asks spitefully. "No. No it would not have. Which is why I elected to kidnap Rin and force a confrontation between us instead."

Saber sighs. "Yes, that happened. Then you deployed your Reality Marble again-"

"I most certainly did not that would be a horrendous waste of my incredibly limited mana supply."

"-And Shirou beat you regardless." She straightens her dress and smiles, cup of tea in hand. "Saving people is never wrong. Isn't that right?"

"I... yes, he won the battle that mattered. I was convinced that my ideals were not a mistake, and I stopped trying to break him." Archer sighs, content despite everything. "As I said, I'm still an idiot."

"Yep," Lancer nods, "Which is why you let the spineless wimp have his way with the troublesome lady. And by way I mean in the celtic sense."

Saber, halfway through a sip, spits out her drink. "What?! ARCHER!"

"I thought he wouldn't dare," Archer hastily insists. "And I was certain she could take care of herself."

"He tied her to a chair and left her completely defenseless," Lancer corrects immediately.

"ARCHER!"

"I am very sorry," Archer says in a small voice.

Lancer laughs and scratches his nose again. "Fortunately I saved her – punched him in the face, it was great – and was about to save her when the asshole priest showed up and told me to kill myself." He shrugs. "I did, but then I killed him immediately afterwards, so I'll call it a win for me. Oh, and then I set the mansion on fire."

"So that's where the fire came from," both Saber and Gilgamesh say at the same time.

'That is also around the time Gilgamesh shot Archer full of swords," Saber adds.

"Not so fun when it happens to you, does it," Caster asks vindictively.

Archer shrugs. "I've had worse. I then told the boy defeating Gilgamesh is now his job, and then I pretended to die."

"You are a squirrely bastard, you Faker," Gilgamesh scoffs, "But I must give props to your incredible refusal to accept your fate."

"So we went home," Saber says, "We prepare a plan to stop the Grail from drowning the world in mud, and we executed it. From what I understand, that was the first time Shirou and Rin engaged their relationship. For the sake of a magecraft ritual, she claims, but I doubt that was the only intent."

"Ah, to lay with a woman on the eve of battle," Lancer sighs happily. "Truly, the boy saw manhood that day. Good on him!"

"Let me ask, Saber," Rider says, her voice measured, "Did Assassin stop you?"

Arturia nods. "He wanted one last fight after Caster abandoned him. I obliged. He intentionally parried one of my strikes instead of deflecting it, bending his blade enough for me to dive through a gap and cut him in half." She takes a deep breath. "At the time, I respected him as a warrior for wishing to die in battle, but on future consideration I became deeply annoyed at him for delaying my engagement with Gilgamesh."

"You barely even fought me, Saber," Gilgamesh says haughtily. "You simply deflected a few trinkets I was throwing at the boy for amusement before he told you to fuck off!"

"I was going to destroy the Lesser Grail, Gilgamesh."

"And yet that took you fifteen minutes, not five seconds."

"Rin insisted on saving Shinji," Arturia responds, unimpressed.

Rider frowns. "I don't understand. Why?"

"Apparently, Sakura would have gotten sad," Saber sighs, and takes a sip of tea. "Mind you, I didn't get this answer out of her until after the Grail Dismantlement Incident."

"The what?" Lancer asks.

"It's a whole ordeal," Arturia says, "And completely irrelevant to the conclusion of the Fifth War. So I resisted Rin's Command Seal to destroy the Lesser Grail with her still in it, while Shirou fought Gilgamesh. I didn't hear anything, so I can only assume he used his Reality Marble."

"He did," the King himself confirms. "I must admit... he was strong. Though, I suppose he is my proof of concept."

"Excuse me?" Saber asks.

"Think, Saber, to the fire that stemmed from your Master's wish in the Fourth War. The boy survived. And then he defeated me." He spreads his arms wide. "Is that not proof that the mankind that weathers the mud would have become, if not great, then at least worth my attention?"

"No. Shirou only survived because Kiritsugu saved him by implanting Avalon into him."

"And like that I've lost interest," Gilgamesh sighs. "What a shame, he would have been worth enslaving."

"...Anyways, Archer cut Rin a path, I deployed Excalibur against the Lesser Grail, and then Archer shot Gilgamesh between the eyes when Gilgamesh was about to be consumed be used as the Vessel himself. Then as I was fading, Rin forged a new contract with me, and I was allowed to watch them grow." Saber sighs nostalgically. "I am glad for the opportunity. To think, I was happy to return to Camlann..."

"Rin offered to contract me as well," Archer says casually. "I decided to refuse. My presence would have only agitated the idiot, and he deserved something nice from me." He sighs. "Besides..."

"You were also going to try your best," everyone says at once.

Archer blinks, and then scowls. "Why this."

"Because it is amusing to throw things in your face," Gilgamesh responds. "Observe!" He pulls a fidget spinner inlaid with gold and red designs, looking superficially like Ea if it were a fidget spinner, and tosses it at him. It bounces off his head, the Red Man's expression irritated and firm as he very pointedly avoids laying his eyes upon the toy, just in case. "See? Amusing!"

"This was a horrific waste of time," Archer sighs. "But yes, I believe we have finally compiled the events of the Fifth War. In conclusion, Rider did not do much, Saber did very little, we learned very little of Berserker, and it seems that Lancer, Caster, and myself dominated the war in terms of Things Actually Done." Archer frowns, referring to his notes. "Somehow, I feel like this is only part of the story."

"Of course it is," Gilgamesh says, "And yet, it is also a complete story. The Fifth War could have ended in any number of ways. The faker pining forever after his knight. The faker abandoning his ideals for the sake of a worm-ridden cup. Tokiomi's spawn fumbling an experiment and fusing the timelines. The War becoming some sort of televised game show. All of these could have come to pass." He slouches, swirling yet more wine. "But these are the events as we know them. Though, I have to admit, the televised war seems like it would be entertaining." He looks at Cu. "The dog dies plenty, though."

"Hah," Lancer laughs. "They can try! I don't die easily, you know?"

Several dozen golden portals spring open behind Gilgamesh, revealing the heads of countless legendary weapons. "Shall we test it?"

Lancer smirks, calling upon Gae Bolg. "We're doing this for real then? BRING IT!"

The door slides open, and Ritsuka walks in. "Yeah, I'm sorry for earlier, guys, I was bit on edge because we're finally confirming the next... Singularity..." He nearly drops his tablet, spotting the grand scale war about to happen before him.

Gilgamesh and Cu look back at him, and the King shrugs. "If it bears any consideration, fighting like this inside the sparring grounds would have certainly devastated Chaldea as well."

Ritsuka looks at each of them and sighs heavily. "...You know what, fine. Fight. Destroy. Blow up Chaldea if you want. I'm done."

He turns to leave, and then Gilgamesh suplexes him. "WHY?!"

"BECAUSE GIVING UP IS THE COWARD'S WAY OUT, MASTER! DON'T BE A COWARD! FIGHT ME!"

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!"

- End Chapter Eleven -