"No, that's fucking stupid. Get a grip Ritsuka it's not going to work."

"Kana-senpai that's kind of rude," Mashu notes laconically before glancing at Ritsuka, "But I agree, it's not workable. Ritsuka-senpai you have to think of another way."

"It's going to work because it must work," Ritsuka insists, and he crosses his arms with an air of finality. "I am doing it, and then I'm going to shove my results in your dumb wrong faces."

"You're going to die you loser," Kana growls. "Do it nerd FUCKING DO IT I DARE YOU."

"Kana-senpai that's not helpful either. Look, why don't we-"

"I'M DOING IT."

"Now what's the commotion now?" Asks the man in red as he arrives with three box sets in his hands and a purring ball of white fluff perched atop his head.

There are many tables and chairs around Chaldea, areas for staff and Servants alike to mingle, sit, chat, and get together for activities. And it is around one of these gathering points, located just outside the lift to the Caster quarter, that Chaldea's Masters and Demi-Servant have gathered around.

Kana sticks her head up and out like a squirrel and cheers when she sees the man her father could have been. "Archer! Is that lunch?"

"It's brunch," Archer EMIYA corrects, and gently bonks her on the head with the red box, to which she whimpers like a small puppy. "Don't think I didn't notice you sleep in late last night. That's not good for your development young lady, you will get eye bags."

"There's magecraft for that," the twins intone together, and so Archer bonks them both on the head with their own boxes. Ritsuka lets out a deadpan 'ow', while Kana whimpers again, like a small eviscerated puppy.

"I'm sure there is," he notes skeptically. "And for you, Miss Kyrielight, is lunch. Chicken rice, hainan style, as you like."

"Thank you, Mister Archer!" Mashu cheers as she takes the purple box with both hands. She opens it, and is met with an explosion of aroma. "Mm, your lunches are always good!"

"You flatter me, Shielder," Archer smiles, and he bows. "But again, what is the commotion?"

"We're playing Long War," Kana explains, while Ritsuka glumly pops open his coffee. "Rits here is in the middle of Some Shit and we're trying to get him out."

"It's not Some Shit we're fine," Ritsuka harshly corrects, and he takes a sip of black death before continuing. "The Scout will draw the overwatch and then I can blow their faces off with my Alloy Cannons. Cyberdisk won't even see it coming."

"Can you though? Because the last time you played Long War and got into this sort of situation you rage quit and said the game is broken."

"The game is broken!"

"Yes but I beat it on Impossible and you couldn't on Normal so bite me nerd."

Archer wrinkles his nose, but doesn't incline his head out of consideration for the small Fou on his head. "Ritsuka, Kana, isn't it just a game?"

"We argue about everything," Ritsuka explains, frowning at Archer because he knows this already.

"We only argue when you're wrong," Kana corrects.

"I will set your hair on fire."

"Senpai please she's got a point this time," Mashu begs. "That's three Overwatches, the Scout won't make it!"

"It'll be fine, he's got Lightning Reflexes. Watch." Ritsuka makes the move, and so that man of Earth makes his dash.

The first, a Heavy Floater, opens fire with its plasma rifle and misses. The second, a Muton, opens fire and misses as well. The third, a Cyberdisk, opens up, and then Ritsuka sees it.

"Cyberdisks have Opportunist, Guda," Kana says casually. "You're fucked."

"It's okay it's still just a ten percent chance," Ritsuka mutters, sweat beading on his forehead.

The Cyberdisk shoots, hits, makes a critical hit, and instantly murders his Scout. The man screams as he sizzles, and half his squad panics and shuts down.

Ritsuka's right eye twitches. Kana pats him on the back and closes the laptop gently, the smuggest grin on her face. She doesn't say anything, letting the moment speak for itself.

"Don't you say a goddamn thing," Ritsuka mutters darkly. Kana just smiles and puts a finger over her lips.

"It's just bad luck, senpai," Mashu tries, but it is too late. A forty hour game has just gone down the toilet. "Why don't we play a different game? Like, uh… FTL?" Ritsuka's snarl, like the awakening of a long-forgotten beast slumbering in the earth, startles her and she squeaks. "OR JENGA! WE CAN DO JENGA!"

Ritsuka looks up at her, horrified. "Oh no Mashu - I am so sorry please don't hate me."

"I-It's fine, I'd be mad too if that happened to me!"

"Y-Yeah it's just bad luck - shut the fuck Kana I won't hear it - so don't worry about it! I'm fine!"

The two of them laugh awkwardly together, while Kana sits between them, still smugging, now holding two fingers, one from each hand, over her lips. Ritsuka and Mashu let out big sighs at the end of their nervous almost-breakdown, triggered by the mere presence of the other, and now desperately look for Literally Anything to change the subject.

"...Video games are bad for you," Archer sighs. "It is just a game, Ritsuka. There is no need to be mad."

"...Archer, if you lost eight hours making absolutely no progress, wouldn't you get mad?"

"You do realise who I am."

"Fair point." Ritsuka sighs, and plants his face on top of his laptop. "God dammit I want to beat the game so bad - and fairly, without modding the .ini files. That's for cowards."

Kana says nothing, still being smug, still being quiet. But she knows Ritsuka knows she modded the .ini files to make the game harder. And still won. On the highest difficulty.

"M-Maybe we could watch some anime instead," Mashu suggest quickly. "Oh! You know, I've never actually watched Cardcaptor Sakura."

Ritsuka pales, and Kana's smugness dissipates. Mashu frowns worriedly as she looks between each of them. "Ah… I guess it's not very good?"

"It's fine," Ritsuka mutters, and he claps himself on the cheeks. "Yeah, let's watch Cardcaptor Sakura…"

"Yay!" Mashu cheers. She claps her hands together when she gains a sudden idea. "Oh, Archer, have you watched Cardcaptor Sakura before?"

"No," he replies simply, understanding where she's getting at already.

"Good! We can make it a group activity! Magical Girl Monday!" Shielder cheers again.

"It's Thursday," Kana corrects, smiling to herself.

"...Magical Girl Monday on a Thursday! Yay!"

Archer smiles, happy that Shielder is happy, but he spares a glance for an increasingly-haunted Ritsuka. Oh, what happened to him?

Sometime in 2026, the world got set on fire

Humans, unfortunately, are quite flammable

Now Chaldea is all that remains of mankind

Thank science for flame-retardant materials

Unfortunately, history is also flammable, if only to time-fire

So now Chaldea has to embark on a quest to restore history and save humanity

Before time-fire discovers that salt is also flammable

Fortunately time-fire is pretty dumb so there's no real rush

It's about the only good news in...

FATE/SUNNY ORDER

Standing in the middle of an elevator, surrounded by her seniors and Masters, Mashu Kyrielight was practically bouncing in her shoes. Kana has never seen her so excited about anything before, not about living again, not about… well she was quite excited when Ritsuka proposed apparently, but not like this. This is good excitement, not idiot excitement. It's quite interesting, actually. Does the girl like anime, or does she look forward to the bonding experience?

In total contrast, Ritsuka looks like he's about to kill himself. But Kana already knows his deal so no point dwelling on it. That happened like ten years ago anyways he needs to get over it. She did!

She does still have some questions, though.

"Why are we visiting Leo, anyways?" Kana asks, arms crossed. "I have plenty of magical girl anime on my HDD. We could just stream it from there."

"Chaldea has an extensive historical archive stored on site for easy reference when analysing the course of history and detecting any discrepancies," Mashu explains quickly, "But included in it is also a cultural archive, like movies and books and TV shows! If anywhere has Cardcaptor Sakura, it's in Chaldea, and Leo can help us get it!"

"Oookay but why does it have to be Leo?"

"Do you have Cardcaptor Sakura?" Mashu asks.

"No," Kana admits, "But I do have Sailor Moon!"

"You have Sailor Moon Crystal," Ritsuka corrects, proving that even half-dead from bitch trauma he can find the time to be a pedantic asshole. That's her brother for you.

"It's basically the same thing," Kana shrugs. "Besides, I have plenty of other Magical Girl anime, too."

"Your collection is cursed," Ritsuka grunts. "I'd rather not damn humanity's last hope just yet."

Kana starts to retort, but she sees Mashu holding something in. "It's up to you anyways. You really want Cardcaptor, huh?" Mashu nods. "Then we'll go watch Cardcaptor. Right, Ritsuka?"

"I'd really rather not-" Ritsuka sputters when he sees Mashu's sad eyes - he obviously doesn't care about Kana's glare by now - and he quickly backpedals. "-do this alone! Y-Yeah, let's watch… magical girl anime." He weakly raises a fist. "Whoo."

Mashu does the same, but way more energetically. "WHOO!"

The elevator dings, the door opens, and off they go to see the wonderful wizard of Oz. Except it's Chaldea. And she's an inventor. And not at all wonderful.

Mentally, Kana decides to rename Da Vinci's workshop to 'Hell's Heart'.

"Magical Girl Monday-on-a-Wednesday?" Biting on the nib of her pencil, Leo swivels about on her chair briefly before nodding firmly. "Yes, I see! Excellent activity, Mashu! Unfortunately, I don't actually have Cardcaptor Sakura on the archive. Or maybe I did, but the explosion knocked a lot of systems out and I haven't finished restoring the secondary and tertiary archives yet."

"Oh no that's too bad," Ritsuka says too-quickly, "Oh well plan's cancelled there there Mashu let's go do some work." He turns to leave so fast he nearly falls over, and then the door suddenly slams shut in his face. "Wait what why."

"Silly boy! I can reproduce the entire series in roughly three hours, don't you worry~"

"You can?!" Mashu exclaims with stars in her eyes. "That's fantastic! Thank you so much, Leo!"

Ritsuka makes a sound like coughing dust, and gradually deflates against the door face-first. Kana looks at her with a small frown. She sucks on her teeth. "That seems… impossible."

With a giggle, Leo leans forward and pats Kana on her fluffy head. "Oh, ye of little faith! I painted the Last Supper over a thousand years after it actually happened, this hardly compares!"

"You didn't actually see the Last Supper, though," Kana points out. She frowns harder when Leonardo gives her a smug, self-assured look. "Genius or not that's factually bullshit, you did not create a lens that can peer through time when you were alive."

"Who knows? I am a genius~" Leonardo titters briefly before Kana can protest again, and with a snap of her fingers the clockwork machinery in her workshop comes to life. Another snap, and the door falls open - and Ritsuka falls onto his face again. He doesn't seem to care; probably trauma. "Now off you go, I'll have it delivered by the evening!"

"Yes!" Mashu says with exuberant energy, dragging Kana off by the wrist with one hand and hefting Ritsuka over her shoulder with the other, "Off we go, to ANIME!"

"I've created a monster," Kana mutters, smiling despite everything, "But I'm okay with this."

Ritsuka just wheeze-sobs.

There are places set aside in Chaldea for people to get together and talk. Recreational rooms, the cafe, random tables and benches all over the facilities… And then there's the bistro, where the barista - formerly a member of staff, currently the alternate future of a man with no chill - serves people beverages both hot and cold as they talk about anything that interests them.

Like introductions with the newly arrived Maid of Orleans.

"Wait, so." Jeanne D'Arc sets her tea down gently, nodding thankfully as EMIYA refills her cup, "You were mistaken for me during the Fourth War?"

"That is correct," Saber responds with a sigh. "Caster was quite insistent about it, despite my pleas to the contrary." She sups at her tea while the rest of the table stews in her words. "Caster also murdered children."

"He what?!"

"A lot of children."

"Quite a lot," supports the Lord El-Melloi II, who nods and returns to his coffee. "Rider and I found his workshop. You wouldn't believe the number of corpses we found. It was sickening."

"He would also implant monsters into them that would feed on their lifeforce and burst out to become the most disgusting familiars I've ever had to face." Arturia shudders at the memory. "Blasted demon fish, ruining my enjoyment of octopus… And to think I enjoyed it when Shirou made it for me…"

The Saint holds her hands against her chest, and both Marie and d'Eon place a hand on her shoulders for support. "That's… I didn't…" She tries to calm her breath, but only halfway succeeds. "What did he become?!"

"...A monster who delved into foul magecraft in a bid to exact his revenge on those who betrayed you, and who was eventually executed because he mismanaged his taxes." Atalanta, who was leaning her head on the table, looks up at her with an eyebrow raised. "Shouldn't you know this already? I'm pretty sure you should know this already."

Jeanne averts her eyes, her cheeks tinged red with embarrassment. "I-I mean, I did… There was what happened in France, and then that affair in Romania, but I still can't believe that he'd do all that!" She looks down at herself sadly. "Just where did I go wrong?"

"For starters," Atalanta says bluntly, "You could have not been burned at the stake."

"It's not her choice whether the English burned her or not," Arturia points out.

"Sure it is. She could have stopped her campaign after she lost the support of the King instead of remaining an eternally angry firebrand. Just as you could have not gotten a magic schwingding and avoided the entire mess that is Sir Mordred Pendragon."

Arturia swiftly pounds the table so hard it shatters. "I never wanted it Merlin gave it to me because he thought it would be funny!"

Atalanta looks at her. "Aren't you an eternally young boy-king?" A beat. "In theory?"

"Exactly! What sort of immortal king has heirs?!"

"The sensible kind," Waver quips. Arturia glares at him. "You know I'm right."

The Once And Future King narrows her eyes further. "You weren't this mouthy in the Fourth War, Waver Velvet."

"And you weren't banned from the UK in the Fourth War, Saber."

Atalanta immediately chokes on her tea. Rider snorts so hard she falls out of her chair. Medea just starts laughing uncontrollably. Arturia Pendragon, the legendary King of Knights who won countless battles with the strength of her composure, sputters and turns bright red. "T-That's-!"

Robin Hood, who had been silently judging everyone the entire time, raises an eyebrow sharply. "Now how did that happen?"

"I'd have to start from the beginning," Waver sighs. "So, after World War Two-"

"-NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE HAPPENED HE'S MISUNDERSTANDING IT'S NOT EVEN THE UK ANYMORE IT'S JUST THE K!" Breathing heavily, fists clenched and trembling with barely controlled emotion, Arturia turns to the three greeks who are just rolling on the ground with laughter. "STOP LAUGHING I WILL MURDER ALL OF YOU!"

They just start laughing harder. Even Marie and d'Eon can barely hold back their chortles. Only Jeanne D'Arc, peerless in her purity, just tilts her head in confusion. "I don't get it, what's the UK?"

"Britain," answers the Clocktower Lord. "She's overreacting, Brexit is nothing to be-"

"I AM NOT HAVING THIS DISCUSSION RIGHT NOW DEAR GOD PLEASE CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"

Mashu Kyrielight kicks the door open and throws her arms out. "WHO WANTS TO WATCH MAGICAL GIRL ANIME?!"

"OH THANK MERCIFUL GOD YES!"

Mashu claps her hands together while Kana gives her aunt an odd look. She turns to Waver, who nods significantly. "Oh, Brexit," the younger twin mutters. "Anyways we're watching a show. Everyone in?" The Servants in the room are either still laughing or shrug noncommittally, so Kana nods. "Everyone in. Cool, see you in room 2. Next up are the-"

Ritsuka suddenly yelps as gold-plated hands burst through the floor, grab his ankles, and drag him straight through. The sound of haughty laughter trails in his wake. Mashu's expression suddenly changes and she immediately gives chase in her Servant's garb.

"-Rowdy Servants," Kana says blandly. "Right. He hasn't gotten dunked on today." She turns to the tea party. "You're supposed to be protecting him today!"

"I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LEADING BRITAIN INTO AN AGE OF PROSPERITY NOT SEE A BUNCH OF SAXONS FUCK IT UP!"

"Wow she mad." Archer nods in agreement with his Master. "Hey, Archer. Could you bring her down later?" Archer nods again. "Thanks, you're the best!" She runs off, holding up her right hand as her Command Seals burn red, off to do some work while her brother shuts down for the rest of the day due to magical girl related traumas.

"I am the best mother," the Red Man says proudly, and continues cleaning. It is one of his joys, he thinks, as the King of Knights finally loses her temper and unleashes the winds of Invisible Air against the Princess and the Huntress.

Amidst a battle about to blow up, Jeanne D'Arc just sits upon her chair, teacup in hand, blinking in confusion. "Was it something I said?" She asks worriedly.

"I'm gonna say it, goldie: this is the dumbest plan I've ever been part of and I'm completely okay with that."

"Hmph. I cannot hate a dog that knows his place."

"I'd stab you but you'll probably just enjoy it."

"Accurate! Ah, here she comes."

Mashu Kyrielight bashes through the hole in the floor and lands heavily, shield planted on the ground in a perfect three point landing, bearing the most murderous gaze an adorable girl with purple hair can muster. Which, to be fair, is actually quite a lot. Lesser men would lose control of their bowels by now and beg for forgiveness.

But lesser men would not have dared to kidnap their Master while he was in the midst of a depressive slump. Only the boldest, bravest, and most recalcitrant of morons would dare do such a thing.

"Welcome, Shielder," says the King of Heroes, high and mighty as is the way of the world. To his right is Ritsuka, slumped against one of the posts of a boxing ring. To his left is Cu Chulainn, who looks concerned about his Master but not enough to stop Gilgamesh. "I've been expecting you…"

"Let him go or I'll crush your balls Gilgamesh I swear to God."

Cu lets out a laugh out of reflex more than anything else. Gilgamesh blinks owlishly in surprise, though the expression leaves just as quickly. But not even a legendary warrior king would expect someone who is otherwise demure and reserved to start by threatening one's manhood. Then, he grins. "Then come get him."

In a single bound the Shielder lands inside the ring; a sudden burst of speed explained by the black shroud she wears around her left arm. A Craft Essence based off a mystic code meant to harness Imaginary Numbers magecraft, now capable of enhancing speed by two entire ranks. Lancer whistles when he sees it, while Gilgamesh cranes his head. "Performance enhancing materials are prohibited in this place. Do not defile its sacred nature."

"I should stop this," Cu mutters. But he steps aside anyways.

Shielder, furious beyond words, throws her shield at him. Gilgamesh dodges; the shield crashes through the wall far from the ring and embeds itself halfway through the floor, tiles and solid reinforced concrete included. Lancer whistles louder. Gilgamesh shrugs in acceptance and spreads his arms. "Very well. The rules, Shielder, shall be that the first one to fall outside the ring loses. Otherwise," he smiles, "Anything goes."

Shielder nods. She extends her hand. Her shield, embedded in the floor, starts pulling itself out. Gilgamesh looks back at it, almost certainly in shock - and that is when the Shielder charges forward with godspeed.

A simultaneous attack by a Servant and her weapon would catch any other opponent by surprise, and with her newfound speed even a cunning foe wouldn't possibly dodge. So the King of Uruk does not. He simply grabs the shield in its flight and swings it back into it's Shielder's hands.

Mashu Kyrielight goes flying. She smashes through a pillar and groans, frustrated tears starting to flow. If Ritsuka were aware of his surroundings he would scream like a girl.

"...Shielder, you alright?" Lancer asks. "Hey, goldie, we should stop this-"

"Ah tut tut, dog, the challenge isn't over." He looks imperiously at the Shielder, but not once does he smirk in self-satisfaction. "Look. She still rises."

Mashu Kyrielight, still caked in dust and debris, is on her feet. She ambles forward, wounded but willing, when a woman in a white veil grabs her by the shoulder. "Shielder," Altera asks breathily, "Would you like help?"

Mashu looks back desperately at the Scourge of Heaven. "Yes," she nods eagerly. Even with a Craft Essence for speed, she has a snowball's chance in hell against the King of Heroes. He's too experienced, too strong, and too pretty to defeat.

She can't even deny it. He's gorgeous. Stupid asshole and his perfect features.

Altera nods once. "I have demands."

"I'll wear a cute dress."

Altera tilts her head to the side. "I have more demands."

"And so will he," she blurts out thoughtlessly.

She nods. "These parameters are acceptable." Altera looks over at Gilgamesh. Her red eyes flash. "Are you bad civilisation?"

Gilgamesh grins madly. He tosses Ritsuka to Shielder, his boredom satisfied. "The worst."

"Mm." Altera steps forward and draws Photon Ray. "Then I must destroy you."

Gilgamesh roars as he thrusts his hips. "TRY!"

Mashu Kyrielight wastes no time running away with her senpai in hand as the battle of the century begins behind closed doors.

"...And that's what happened after you slipped into Gil-related catatonia," Kana surmises, now changed into a light tanktop and shorts in the confines of her own room. Ritsuka sighs heavily as he hears this and buries his face in her mattress. "Don't do that I don't want your saliva on my sheets."

"I should really get that man a hobby," Ritsuka groans.

"You should," Kana nods. "I found Nobu a hobby and she hasn't been making as much trouble recently."

"...Nobunaga staged three coups this week and one of them cost Chaldea all its fire extinguishers."

"It's amazing how that's still less trouble than usual."

"Mm," Ritsuka admits. He looks over at Mashu, who is dejectedly rocking back and forth on the floor. "I'm sorry we couldn't get the big screening like you wanted, Mashu."

"M-My anime night," she sniffs. His heart squeezes in pain. He should do something. But what?

Kana looks at him. He looks back at her. She gives him the finger because the answer is obvious; he just won't accept it. Ritsuka sighs.

"We could still watch Cardcaptor Sakura, Mashu," Ritsuka says, and Mashu immediately perks up. "Just the tw… the three of us." He gives Kana a self-satisfied smirk, but infuriatingly the girl just gives them both a thumbs up. Damn her and her conniving ways.

"I'll get the episodes," Kana says as she stands up.

"I'll get the food!" Mashu cheers as she jumps up.

"I have the dresses," Altera nods as she opens the door.

"I'll just kill myself now," Ritsuka concludes with a smile.

It's a strange situation, Ritsuka admits. Watching anime with his sister and crush. Eating popcorn and just immersing into the world. Wearing a frilly dress while doing all this. Ritsuka does not like magical girl anime and he does not want to wear this stupid dress - though he's past denying that he can pull it off - but right here, in the moment… he's okay with this.

"Sakura looks like she has a lot of fun being a magical girl," Mashu says happily. She looks at him. "Why're you not happy watching this, senpai? It's so wholesome."

Ritsuka starts to answer that he does not know, but then it comes back to him. The stick. The transformation. Getting stabbed without pain. Having to spend a week waiting. Spending that week as a toy. He shudders. "...I have bad memories."

She frowns sadly. "Did magical girls hurt you? But they're allies of love and justice!"

"They are, but…"

"It's because he was a magical girl for a while," Kana clarifies.

Mashu looks at her. Ritsuka goes white as a sheet. "Wait, what?"

"Mmhm. He found Kaleidostick Ruby once when we were eight. We were helping mom and dad clean up the old Tohsaka Mansion and we went spelunking. We found a big chest and popped it open. Ritsuka was gushing over the amazing mystic code he found when it woke up." Kana shakes her head vigorously and spits out the hair from her mouth. "I saw everything. It really was like an anime."

"O-Oh," Mashu says, going beet red. At this point, Ritsuka is already curled up into a tiny ball.

"Yeah then Ritsuka - who had twintails now - started going on about being a magical girl to fight for love and justice and crap when mom burst into the room. Then she screamed. Then dad burst into the room. Then he sighed and stabbed Ritsuka."

"Wait what?!"

"With Rule Breaker, relax," Kana quickly reassures. "I just wanted to see your surprised face, you're so cute!"

"I hate you!"

"Sure you do. So anyways mom quickly seals Ruby again and things go back to normal." She crosses her arms. "Except that Ritsuka's now a girl."

Mashu blinks. Ritsuka, now a tiny ball, whimper-wheezes. Mashu blinks again. "O-Oh… so when you said he was a magical girl-"

Kana nods. "He was a magical girl, yeah. Cross-dimensional disjunction or something. I never really asked mom the details about the phenomena… But yeah for a week I had a big sister." Kana leans back into her pillow and munches on some popcorn. "Old man Zelretch had to come to fix him. Mom yelled at him a lot. She was so mad. But you wouldn't know from how much fun she had playing with him!"

"Stoooooop," Ritsuka moans.

"...In fact, you'd think that mom wanted another daughter instead of a son!"

"Yamerooooooooooooo," he protests weakly.

Now fully red from the top of her head to the tips of her ears, Mashu looks to and fro between the twins rapidly. Acting quickly and under duress she quickly turns the TV off. "I am so sorry senpai I never knew - oh my goodness we must have been triggering his trauma every time we make him wear a dress!" She clutches at her head and cries out. "HAVE WE BEEN THE VILLAINS THE WHOLE TIME?!"

"Him looking good in a dress might actually be a knock-on effect from having actually been a girl for a while!" Kana mentions all too cheerfully. Mashu cries out again.

"That's not how it works," Ritsuka mumbles. He uncurls with a great effort of will, and grabs his Shielder by her arms. "Mashu, relax. That's not why."

"W-We've been so mean to you," she wails, on the edge of tears. "I'm sorry! I'll ask Leo to stop dressing you up, a-and we don't have to watch magical girl anime ever again! I'm so sorry, senpai!"

"Calm down." He says it, and so she does. "It's okay if I watch it with you, okay? I had fun." He smiles. "And you're way more wholesome than Sakura."

"...Really?"

"Really." Ritsuka stands up and successfully disguises how hard his legs are shaking. "Come on, Mashu, let's go get dinner."

"B-But… don't you need to go see what happened to Altera and Gilgamesh's fight?"

He shakes his head. "Nah. I have a guy working on it."

"Herakles?"

"Herakles."

"Oh." Mashu takes a deep breath. She takes his hands and smiles. "Then let's go, senpai!"

"The wholesomeness is going to kill me someday," Kana sighs. "Seriously, they should just fuck already."

"That sounds incredibly crass and thoroughly uncalled for," Arturia chides.

"Like you trying to get Cornwall to secede from the UK?"

The King of Britain affixes her with a cold glare. "Et tu, Kana?"

"Come on, like you don't still Skype the Queen on a weekly basis. Welp, anyways!" Kana hops off the stool and twirls about. "I'll catch up with you later, Auntie! I have a Servant to show around!"

She strolls out of the cafe before Arturia can nag further, bouncing along the hallways. Beside her, the new Servant, a man with a well-groomed beard that smolders at its ends, materialises and matches her pace. "Anyways, that should be it for general orientation! Anything else you wanna know?"

"Aye, Master, but it's a selfish request. No worries if it's denied."

"Go ahead!"

Edward Teach, the legendary pirate Blackbeard, leans closer to her. "What do they call entertainment in this day and age? I've always had an interest in perusin', if you didn't know."

Kana looks at him. She considers her options. Kana Tohsaka smiles widely. "I'll start with anime."

"...This 'anime' confuses yet interests me."

"Yep we're definitely starting with anime. Walk with me, Blackbeard, we'll make things happen."

- End Chapter Twelve -