A/N: Hello there! Swordo here. If you are reading this here, you're a couple weeks behind the folks on Sufficient Velocity, who follow the story thread (link on my profile) and I highly recommend that people take a look at things there: besides the main chapters that I've been reposting here (though not with all the edits retained; unfortunately I made some changes to the final chapter on the thread that I didn't change on my G-Docs copy, which are the ones I've been porting here... whoops), there are various omakes and interludes that I intend to keep over there exclusively (because reposting them here would be a nightmare) - as well as an entire side-story following the Singularities themselves.

We're up to France right now (yeah two Singularities in three years nice speed Swordo) so now's as good a time as any to get a sensing: I intend to put the Singularity side-stories up here, as well as other things that I have in mind as well - stuff like what Rin and Shirou and Saber have been doing in the twenty two years between the end of Unlimited Blade Works: Sunny Day and Fate/Sunny Order. The question is how I should do it. Should I just have a dedicated Side-Story? Should I post them as part of F/SO? Should I publish an entire new story whenever a Singularity Story or whatever goes up? I feel like a Youtuber saying this, but leave a Review telling me what you think. Not just on this, but also on the story so far.

Thankfully, this is the end of this lengthy Author's Note. Unfortunately, this is also the end of the already-written stuff - and newly written stuff will take a while to come out because as I'm in the Army my time is at a premium. But I post chunks as I write them to the SV thread, so if you're interested do check things out there!

Back to you, Ritsuka.

"KANA YOU STUPID THOT WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

The sheer rage, volume, and hot air that carried the statement brought it through the cavernous halls of Chaldea, and nearly everyone heard it. From the command center to the duelling rooms to the spatial disjunctional space used for more impressive exercises, everyone heard Ritsuka Tohsaka's agonised wail.

They also heard the extremely loud crunch that followed it, as his sister, the infamous Kana Tohsaka, punched him in the face and into the wall behind him. Were it not for his top-notch circuits, his excellent reflexes, his extensive training and the fact he saw this coming, he might be dead and she might be left with his workload. Not ideal for either of them.

Still, as Ritsuka leaps off the ground and Kana wrings her bruised and cut fist, she glares harshly at him. "God dammit Rits you know I hate that word! What is the big stick up your butthole this time?!"

"Blackbeard just walked into the library with a fucking weeb shirt on holding glowsticks and shouting that he wants to see Marie's panties that's the big stick you BEWITCHING MEGATHOT!" She throws another punch on reflex but Ritsuka throws her to the ground instead. "YOU GOT YOUR ONE HIT IN WOMAN NOW OWN YOUR SINS!"

The red haze lifts as his words are finally processed, and Kana pales significantly. "Oh. Oh no." She clutches at her head with her other hand. "I just showed him one series how did it go so wrong."

"YOU SHOWED HIM FUCKING EROMANGA SENSEI!"

"IT WAS A JOKE!"

At opposite ends of the corridor, Servants, staff, and automata alike slip back behind the walls and carry on with their business while drawing as little attention to themselves as possible. Elsewhere, Blackbeard's rampage continues as all efforts at containment are stymied by a bored King of Heroes. Truly, idle hands are the devil's workshop.

All in all, this day is only slightly weirder than usual for Chaldea.

Humanity died in 2026 to the Incineration

In all likelihood they deserved it, the fucking deviants

Now Chaldea seeks to undo the purification by any means

Resolving the snarls in history with immense violence and zero care for collateral damage

Frankly speaking we don't know why no one's stopping them

Sometimes genocide is the answer

In any case Kana is a monster

Send help to…

FATE/SUNNY ORDER

Mashu Kyrielight, Demiservant Shielder and the most precious secretary one could have, burst into the largest office in Chaldea visibly winded. Considering the stamina someone gifted with the powers of a Servant should have - that is to say infinite stamina - it either means Ritsuka and Kana are dead, or she is really exerting herself... Though, by right it will lead into the first. And that is a frightening thought. "Doctor! You have to stop them, they're fighting!"

Romani Archaman, currently forced to be Director of Chaldea and also the seat to a very tired fluffy monster, looks away from his episode of Love Live and stops the video for a second. "It's alright, Mashu," he says encouragingly, "Blackbeard is currently under control. And we have Leonidas guarding the passages into the Women's Bunks."

She shakes her head vigorously and her hair goes everywhere. "No, not him! I'm not scared of Blackbeard! I mean Ritsuka and Kana! They're fighting right now!" She dives across his desk - Roman yelps and nearly hurls Fou off - and grabs the remote. She flicks through the channels, a different 3D projection flickering over his desk - most of them showing scenes of Blackbeard's rampage or the aftermath - until they reach the corridor where her Masters have met. Currently comparable in devastation to the nightmare that is Blackbeard.

Roman widens his eyes at the sight. Fou, the lazy monster, finally takes an interest in the world, just as Ritsuka punches through his sister's shitty projections and nails her straight in the throat. "See?!" Mashu wails. "You need to stop them! They'll just hurt each other!"

Doctor Roman, medically trained professional, simply sighs, works his shoulders, and turns the screen off - conveniently also turning his monitor off because the truth will only hurt her. "Mashu, sometimes these fights need to happen. Ritsuka's been very pent up, and Kana needs to learn a lesson."

Seriously, what kind of thot shows the great scourge of the seas Eromanga Sensei? It's trash by his standards. And he's anime trash!

She shakes her head again. "No, that's not true! They're just going to force themselves apart!"

"You're taking things too seriously," the doctor says gently.

"Fou…" The ball of fluff on his head coos.

"Even Fou agrees."

"...Fou." It raises one of its paws and waggles it in an undecided fashion. "Four fou…"

"...He doesn't like that he agrees, but the point is he does." Roman smiles and places both hands behind his head. "Why don't you wait here for them, Mashu? They're bound to show up here eventually, once their spat is over!"

"NO!" Mashu throws her hands up. "You just don't get it, doctor! They're-ugh! Why did I think you'd do anything, you never do anything…" She turns around and stomps off. "Good day, doctor! Enjoy your anime!"

She slams the door behind her, but to Roman it felt like his heart just shattered. Like she stepped on his heart and it shattered. With her armoured heels.

This is a disgusting line of thought but the point is he feels empty inside. Roman sighs, looking down at himself. "Was it something I said?"

"Fou…" Fou pats him gently on the forehead before going back to his nap.

"I know, it was the right call… but does Mashu hate me?" He sighs and slumps his shoulders forward. "She hates me, doesn't she?"

"Fou…"

"Maybe if I wasn't such a terrible father, I could help her… Oh, right!" Roman suddenly looks up, newly energised. Fou wakes up, rudely awakened. "There are fathers in Chaldea! I could just ask for their advice!"

"Fou!" Despite his irritation, Fou agrees. "Fou, fou!"

"Great plan! I'll go ask them!" Promptly, Roman turns his monitor back on and resumes watching.

Fou slaps him hard in the eye.

"Ow! What?! I haven't finished the episode!"

Fou slaps him hard in both eyes.

"STOP IT! MY HEAD IS ONLY FOR NON-VIOLENT ANIMALS!"

"FOUUUU!"

This carried on for quite some time. But even so, Roman knew what he had to do.

Ask for parenting advice. From some heroes.

Excellent idea.

"...And that is why I need your help, Leonidas."

The warrior king of Sparta nods, his face stony as he thinks. As he watches the corridor as an unflinching sentinel, a full head taller than Roman, the doctor cannot help but feel relief that the first Servant he found was a man with all the wisdom of Greece in his veins, a great man of Sparta who held off the Persians at Thermopylae and unified the city-states with his sacrifice.

Even if the Spartans were horrible people who let children die of exposure, surely Leonidas has some idea about how to manage children? Maybe? Hopefully?

"Hmm… Unfortunately, Dr. Roman, I died young while my son was still a boy." Leonidas spares a piteous look to the downcast doctor, but only for a moment; Blackbeard is still at large after all. "And, more saliently, I had a son. I have little experience with girls besides 'did you sacrifice a goat on their birthday and bequeath them to a house of proper standing?'."

Roman sighs. He worried as much. "But still, Leonidas, as a father surely you have some insights?" He stops, swallowing his spit - and the pit weighing him down from the bottom of his stomach. "She looks up to you as her shield-senpai."

"...Tell me, Doctor, did you leave her to the elders of your city, who regularly throw children with minor birth defects easily remedied with modern medicine, and who then leave the children who pass on the hill where they might die of exposure?"

For a king of the Spartans, Roman thinks, Leonidas is really critical of them. "Uhm… no, that's crazy."

Leonidas nods sharply. "Then you are already a better father than I."

Well. If he's just going to be like that… Roman sighs and mentally crosses him off his list. A list that includes the likes of Cu 'I honour-duelled my son to death' Chulainn and Arthuria 'I'm not a man and also I murder-suicided my son after he shattered my realm' Pendragon. Good God this is still the best idea he's had so far. "Thank you for the support, Leonidas. I'll leave you to… this." The good doctor frowns. "Shouldn't you be hunting him down, not watching this pass?"

"We're right next to the women's laundromat," the Spartan King responds nonchalantly, and immediately Roman recoils to the far wall. It's right here?! He shouldn't be here, he could be slaughtered! "Woe betide us if the scoundrel got access…" Leonidas grits his teeth, his voice a low growl. "We would all burn with the fool, and more's the pity! Such selfishness should never be abided!"

Somehow, Roman can't help but wonder if Leonidas wants to be surrounded by women's underwear. Though, women didn't wear underwear in his time. He must be thinking things.

"FOOL! WE COULD ALL SHARE SUCH BOUNTY IF HE WOULD JUST BE SUBTLE ABOUT IT!"

Definitely thinking things. Roman shakes his head and turns to leave, but feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks back to see Leonidas looking him in the eye, empathetic and supportive. "But know this, Doctor; Shielder is a fine young woman, with a bright future ahead of her. I am certain that she will understand. Time heals all wounds; give her a day or two and things will return to normal."

"Are you sure, Leonidas?"

"A king does not lie." With a respectful nod, Leonidas returns to his vigil. And then he slams his spear into the ground and shouts loudly enough to shake the floors. "I wish you well, Dr. Roman! May you find your answers! I will sacrifice a goat to the gods and pray for your success!"

Roman does not think God is okay with goat sacrifices but okay there aren't any in Chaldea anyways. He turns to leave and finds a bubbly, bouncy, busty blonde looking right up at him, leaning slightly forward with her hands behind her back.

He blinks. Jeanne D'Arc blinks back. She smiles. "Morning, Doctor! Are you well today?"

Okay Roman calm down this is Joan of Arc we're talking about here. Remember what God does to people who think lewd things about Joan of Arc. He smiles back and only leans back a little. "G-Good morning, Ruler. I'm fine. Are you adjusting well?"

"Yes! Everyone is so nice here, and Ritsuka and Kana are managing things well! I am more than happy to be here in service of restoring mankind!" Jeanne maintains eye contact with him as she frowns and leans forward more good God she's wearing a sleeveless blouse and a frilly skirt and the buttons are - ARE YOU TESTING ME SATAN. "Are you sure you're okay, Dr. Roman? You seem tense."

"The good Doctor is having family troubles, Ruler," Leonidas says empathetically, still manning his post, pointedly with his eyes looking in the other direction.

"Oh, I see." Jeanne leans back, letting Roman sigh in relief - but not too much he's not out of the splash radius yet - while the Saint ponders this briefly. "Hm… I will pray for you, Doctor. Mashu is a good girl and I hope everything works out between the two of you." She frowns at him. "Though.. Why Mashu? Wouldn't a more proper name like Marche be more, well… proper?"

Shit Romani she's onto you distract her. "Thank you, Ruler, but this place isn't safe. Blackbeard is still at large."

"Oh, it is a small matter, I just had laundry! It took me some time to find this place; Saber said to follow the signs but the Lord left none!"

Oh, right, Jeanne can't read. Bless her, she tries, but she's illiterate. Roman lets his eyes wander around the Saint - not over around - and spots the laundry bag at her feet. "Couldn't you have let one of the robots carry it over, Jeanne?"

The Saint shakes her head. "It is my burden to bear," she says with a little hop and bounce - and once more Roman feels his faith being tested.

"You have enough burdens to bear, Ruler, don't let laundry become another," Leonidas sniffs. That sly dog. "Something so petty is beneath a general of your caliber."

Jeanne shakes her head. "I am but a girl, Lancer, but I appreciate your concern! Don't mind me!"

"Oh… Jeanne D'Arc… Forgive me, for I have sinned…"

The voice seems to come from nowhere and everywhere. King Leonidas I, fearless king of Sparta, who faced an impossible army fearlessly and died screaming in defiance, jumps in his skin as his legs start shaking. Jeanne looks around, her expression stony and cautious.

"Hm?" Roman asks, looking around.

"Not the ghosts," Leonidas whispers, his baritone trembling.

"Show yourself," Jeanne says, her voice powerful. She calls upon her flag and slams it against the floor. "Or burn in God's light!"

Down the corridor, a figure approaches. Wrapped in cloth, walking with unsteady footing, with dishevelled hair and a scraggly beard, he approaches. "Oh, my Saint, my Maid… Please, I have sinned…"

Jeanne blinks. Her expression softens. She smiles and sets her flag aside, spreading her arms wide. "Then come, lost lamb, and confess into my breasts."

"Huhu… I have sinned… I slip into the abyss… OF CLEAVAGE!"

The figure charges forward suddenly with unreal speed. Leonidas cries out a warning and steps between the Saint and Blackbeard, shield raised and spear level. "Doctor! Ruler! Get out of here!"

Jeanne tilts her head. "I don't get it. What's cleavage?"

Leonidas bites back a reply as he turns his full attention on the mad pirate captain. Jeanne shrugs and continues about her business, picking up her laundry bag - which only throws Blackbeard further into a frenzy. Roman wisely flees before he can get embroiled in a battle for life and death.

Right. Onto the next Servant!

"And then he screams that he doesn't want to see a guy in a skintight bodysuit and runs away - which is just rude. C'mon, everyone knows I look good in this." Lancer, having finally finished his spiel, downs a shot of brandy without flinching. "Seriously though, what kind of guy can't appreciate a good looking man wearing what feels like nothing at all?"

"A degenerate," the Red Archer responds blandly while polishing a glass, as is habit by this point. The bar basically belongs to him at this point and he has always been very particular about cleanliness. "What does it matter, Lancer? Are you actually upset about this?"

"No, but he's a slippery bastard! And whenever we do corner him, the king of grapples just flings him into somewhere else in this place!" He slams the shotglass on the countertop, waving for Archer to refill it. With a roll of his eyes EMIYA begins work on the spirytus. Maybe this might get a reaction out of him. Lancer takes it and slams it immediately. Once again he doesn't even react. Freaking Celts. "Can't you deal with him? Apparently the kid beat him once."

Archer shakes his head, both weary of the comparison to the boy he could have been and sad that no, he cannot help stop this degeneracy either. He thinks of a way to express this to Cu Chulainn, a man of few fucks, without getting mocked. "Unfortunately, Gilgamesh has activated brawler mode, so countering the Gate of Babylon will do nothing. He'll just bodyslam me and rip my arms off while we're still tumbling mid-air."

Lancer clicks his tongue and shakes his head. "Damn shame, that. What makes him fun is now making him a pain in the ass." He frowns, looking at his glass. "Hey, Archer, you don't think he likes Blackbeard, do you?"

This got a reaction out of EMIYA; he scoffs. "I hope not. The King of Heroes as an otaku is a… well actually it might help."

"Wait, seriously?" Cu slaps his forehead and mutters something rude in Celtic. "I can barely handle one. Not sure I'll survive two."

Archer shrugs again. There is not much more he can say, too many variables to consider. And as usual, Eye of the Mind is useless outside of combat. Though he gets the odd feeling that the King of Heroes would be a shut-in…

And then he spots a peach-haired man with a put-upon smile and the eyes of a man trying not to be smote by God for various transgressions. Romani must have run into Jeanne. He should have never talked to Caster about collaborating within earshot of Leonardo. "Afternoon, Doctor," he says politely and evenly, while the doctor stumbles onto a barstool in a daze. Archer mentally runs through where the whiskey is; the man might want some. "What brings you here?"

Lancer sighs and shakes his head. "A blind man could see he ran into the Saint, Archer. Obviously he's here to get drunk! You know, before something happens to his little brother."

Archer stays quiet for a moment, just looking at Lancer. Not to think, he already has an answer primed. Not to judge, he's had his mind set on him for a long time. Just to set the mood.

He sees the faintest beads of sweat on Lancer's neck; bingo. "I wasn't aware that Saber caught up to you, Lancer. Weren't you the fastest of us Servants?"

"Firstly, Rider might tie me. Might. Secondly, go fuck yourself." Lancer works his shoulders and faces Romani instead. "Relax a bit, doc! She might be eighteen but that's still legal in most of the world!"

Mumbling his mantra, Archer calls upon a kitchen knife of no particular importance, besides the fact that a vigilante once used it to hunt rapists and pedophiles. A particularly bloodsoaked knife, that one, despite the fact that it never claimed a single life.

"T-Thanks, Lancer," Roman responds with a sheepish smile, "But that's fine. I'm just… tired." Lancer nods sagely, but the doctor looks at him suddenly with realisation slowly spreading across his features. "...Actually, Lancer… You were a father, weren't you?"

Archer looks at the doctor. He wonders just why he would be asking Cu Chulainn, famous for murdering his own son, about fatherhood. He runs the simulations - Saber mentioned having to go sort out a fight when she was here earlier, so Ritsuka and Kana probably got into a fight - likely over the Blackbeard situation - and it is probably a big fight. So violence levels would be high. High enough that Mashu would be vocal about her disapproval.

She would want to stop it. But the doctor, with no power or inclination to intervene, would refuse.

...And like that, the pieces fall together. Archer's gaze moves over to Lancer. His reaction will depend on Lancer's.

Strangely enough, the blue Lancer seems… morose. Contemplative, even. "Yeah, I was. But not a great one, either. Red asshole here loves to bother me about it, but he's got a point." Lancer leans against the counter and holds his glass to his lips. "Interested in my legend, doc? Because there are better openers than that."

Roman shakes his head. He swallows, like he realises what a bad decision he just made. "Ah, no, nothing like that. I'm just wondering if you have any advice… But thinking about it, heh, I guess you don't have any?"

"Try not to kill your kid in a duel after binding them to three unbreakable oaths," Lancer nods. "Tends to help."

Archer exhales. He dismisses his knife. Good, Lancer's showing off his rare responsible side.

Roman nods. "Right, right… You had a son, too." He sighs, tired and lost and - something familiar yet alien to the Counter Guardian - scared. "I just want to make it up to Mashu, you know? She's quite mad."

Lancer nods. "You know, I think Caster had kids. You can ask her."

"Yeah… I'll do that." Roman nods. "Thank you, Lancer."

"Don't mention it, doctor." Lancer nods, and it spreads into a wide grin. "C'mon, drink with me! There's still time for you to figure it out! Shielder's a good girl!"

"It's like noon though," Roman mutters.

"Are you sure? Because I'm not seeing any sun in the sky!"

Archer considers putting a stop to this. He decides against it. "It is your decision, Dr. Roman. I'm just here to listen and offer advice."

Roman nods. He looks at Archer hopefully.

"Non-parenting advice," Archer adds gently; he has to go spank two idiots soon, he can't be accountable for the girl one of those idiots loves. "I didn't even have children, so I lack even Lancer's experience."

"But you're a natural!"

"He's a mom," Lancer explains. "You want dad advice. Go find Caster."

Archer frowns at Lancer. He's not going to scowl at him, that would be uncouth. And it would mean Lancer wins. Which is unacceptable, he has control of the alcohol. "Caster is a woman, Lancer."

"So's Saber, but she's King."

Archer can't be bothered to respond to that. So he sighs and nods his head. "I suppose she is. What will you have, Dr Roman?"

"Ah…" Roman glances down at his watch and shakes his head. "I'll have a glass of water. I really should get going."

Archer nods and starts pouring him a glass, making sure he didn't accidentally take the vodka or spirytus.

And the wall suddenly explodes.

Kana smashes through a table and a barstool, covered in cuts and bruises. She rolls onto her feet, her hair loose and wild, and with a barstool leg in hand she successfully strikes Ritsuka as he shrieks in. The boy's mana circuits are burning bright, practically visible even through his clothing, and he diverts the barstool from his gut to his shoulder.

Leaving him open to the dropkick to the face. Ritsuka flies back through the hole he punched Kana through, audibly grunting as he bounces off the ground once, and Kana gasps for breath as she takes a second to recover, rubbing her side.

"Man that's gonna hurt tomorrow," she grunts through gritted teeth. Looking over her shoulder, she sees Archer frowning with one eyebrow raised, Roman looking absolutely mortified, and Lancer giving a thumbs up and a cheesy grin. She returns the cheesy grin and chases after her brother.

Seconds later a shockwave sends dust through the door and covers the bar in dust. Roman stands up, his water forgotten and now mixed with dust and debris. "Yeah I should really get going," he says, more than a little mortified.

"Good luck, doctor," Archer says.

"I love this place," Lancer whispers. And then he turns to the clatter of brooms and dustpans on the countertop. "Hey, I'm not cleaning this place up."

"You do you, Lancer," Archer says wryly. "The bar is closed."

The day has been at once productive and unproductive, Romani thinks as he stands before the sanctum of Medea of Colchis, an unassuming room with the same white door that basically every room in Chaldea has across the entire complex - and not even reinforced with metal or concrete. It is wood, perhaps laminated with plastic. And he can't open it.

Leonidas I of the Three Hundred Spartans told him that he has little experience as a father and to trust in the inherent goodness of his foster-not-daughter. Cu Chulainn, who is in retrospect responsible for killing his son he never met and thus an awful person to ask about advice, just said not to kill her. Which is useful advice in theory but… well he could never do that even if he wanted to. And he never will. Archer EMIYA, despite mothering the twins, is unwilling to provide advice - and seeing as firstly he is not their actual father and secondly they are currently beating each other through Chaldea, his advice might not actually be good either. And Jeanne, being Jeanne, doesn't even know where children came from.

And yet he feels like he knows the answer. He's always known. He's just scared of making the attempt. Just as he is scared of entering a Witch's Temple when the entire complex is on the hunt for a male weeb. The question now is… is he more afraid of getting zapped by a witch, or is he more afraid of confronting the girl he's raised?

Without another thought Roman grabs the door knob and steps through.

The first thing that hits him is the sea breeze - fresh, crisp, real. The second thing that hits him is that the sun is shining but he is not sweating. In fact, it is a comfortable, cooling beach. Unnaturally comfortable for a beach. The third thing is seeing a certain pair of Servants sitting around a table with a parasol sipping drinks and talking about their feelings without trying to kill one another.

Honestly it is the beach that really sells the artificial nature of this sanctum. Only a true master of Magecraft could make something as frustrating as the sun and sand so inviting.

"Ah, it was the doctor." Medea nods, only briefly sighing with regret, and the pressure drops tenfold. Roman only just realises how close he was to getting lasered and… probably getting chopped up and thrown into a cauldron, something about dismemberment for sure. And just as he thinks that, the once-Princess of Colchis scowls at him. "If you intend to think poorly of me, Director Romani, at least do so in the shade."

"It is nice," says Arturia Pendragon, King of the Britons, the Knights, the Britonian Knights, and possibly the Round Table as she sips on… not-tea for once. It looks like a cola. "Join us, doctor, it is a good day today!"

It is, somehow, so Roman does so. Taking a seat, Roman thinks that he could really use a drink, and at once tiny skeletons step from dust clouds and start pouring him a cocktail. They even provide the tiny umbrella before disappearing. He looks at it oddly, then at Medea.

"A simple working," the Caster says with pride and more than a little smug. "Now, what ails you?"

"Why aren't you and Saber trying to kill one another?" he blurts out. Fearfully, he expects Medea and Arturia to gang up on him in a fit of flustered frustration, but instead Medea laughs while Saber shakes her head with a smile.

"Caster and I have come to an agreement," Saber says. "She does not kidnap me or try to make me hers or kill my wards or… really anything evil, and I will hold my peace." Her smile grows a little strained, but relaxes just as quickly. "She is not so insufferable when she isn't on about dresses or cuteness or her beloved Kuzuki."

"Mostly, Saber amuses me with stories of the boya's skill at homemaking," Caster smirks. She leans forward, resting her head upon a hand, drumming her fingers as she looks at Roman. "But what really brings you here, Director? I doubt that Blackbeard has been chasing you."

Roman sighs and shakes his head. "No, I was… hoping to find some parenting advice."

At this, Saber perks up.

"From you, Caster."

Offended, Saber pouts and returns to angrily drinking from a straw.

"Hm." Caster looks upon Roman, now clasping her chin with her hand. "Well, Director, you are mistaken. I had been a parent, yes - but obviously, I was a mother. And what you probably want is advice from a father."

"There aren't many good fathers in Chaldea," Roman notes blithely. "Most of them are awful."

Caster nods. "Lancer?"

"Lancer, yes."

"You must be desperate." Now, Saber perks up again, though trying to seem uninterested. "Alas, I am at a loss myself," Caster laments.

Roman nods and slumps in his chair. "If only there was someone who helped raise wonderful children here."

Practically beaming parental instinct, Saber simply waits.

"Someone who has experience raising young boys and girls into capable men and women," Caster agrees.

Saber continues waiting, a self-assured smile on her face.

"Someone who has teaching experience?" Roman suggests.

"That would be good," Caster agrees.

Saber, all but assured, begins preening.

Roman nods. He stands up, hands on the table. "Thank you, Caster. I'll go find Lord El-Melloi II."

"A good choice," Caster agrees. "In my interactions with him he's proven to have a discerning eye. As a magus he's worthless, but as an educator…"

Their attention is drawn by the sound of glass shattering. They both look at Saber, who has shattered her cup in her hands, now clad in metal gauntlets. "I am right here," Saber seethes. "I am an excellent parent! And an excellent teacher!"

"You also murdered your son," Caster points out. "And unlike Lancer, you neglected Mordred so badly he lead a rebellion against you that lead to your death. So no, Saber. You might be worse than Lancer in that regard."

"I raised our Masters!"

And then the sky shatters. Ritsuka falls through first, followed shortly by Kana, who has her hand clasped around his face. They hit the ground heavily, smashing into the sand, before Kana lifts him up by the head and starts smashing him into the ground again.

"You mean those Masters?" Medea asks with a sarcastic smirk.

"Oh, God," Roman laments.

"Use your legs, Ritsuka!" Saber screams, standing on her chair. Ritsuka sputters and flails and is smashed into the sand again. "No, YOUR legs!"

Waver Velvet, the Lord El-Melloi II, Clocktower Lord and Pseudo-Servant of the legendary Zhuge Liang, sighs as he bites on an unlit cigar, hands in his pockets as he faces Romani Archaman. Behind him, both Ritsuka and Kana Tohsaka weep as they are locked up in the Stone Sentinel Maze, their battle finally inconclusively concluded in Kana's favour - but neither of their victory. Beside them, Mashu Kyrielight frets over the both of them, but is ultimately unable to help. "I take one smoke break and this happens," the legendary educator grumbles.

"It is nearly dinnertime," Medea of Colchis sniffs.

Wordlessly, Waver points at the idiots locked up behind him.

"...Well played, Professor," Medea chuckles, her voice melodious as she heads off to mend the hole in the sky-ceiling. "Well played indeed."

Ignoring her, Waver turns to Roman. "Anyways, you just need to give Miss Kyrielight some time. She is just acting out a bit of teenage rebellion. Nothing to worry about."

"She's never acted out teenage rebellion before!" Roman exclaims.

"She's never had a boy she liked that much either," Waver responds with an arched eyebrow.

"...Okay." Roman inhales sharply and nods. "Thank you, Professor." He frowns. "But what have you really been doing, this entire time?"

Waver lights his cigar and takes a puff, not once taking out his lighter. "Hunting."

Somehow, from that one word, Roman knows exactly what he means. "So Blackbeard's…"

"If you are going to enjoy japanese culture you should do so properly." He points back at Ritsuka and Kana with a thumb. "And as penance, the two of them can join him."

And it was at this moment that Romani Archaman knew he had a new father figure to look up to. But not in a weird way.

- End Chapter Thirteen -

Locked within a theatre in the depths of Chaldea - personally built by Leonardo Da Vinci as a dungeon and promptly converted into a cinema by her easily-inspired mind - three pairs of eyes gaze upon japanese perfection.

"I love Jojo," Ritsuka says, a single tear falling from his eye.

"Crazy Diamond is Unbreakable," Kana says, sniffling as she does so.

"I'm sorry I called you a thot."

"I'm sorry I saved Eromanga Sensei from annihilation."

Edward Teach, the legendary pirate Blackbeard, once the terror of the seas and now the terror of Chaldea's hallways, weeps openly in his restraints. "I have seen the light," he whispers, and all who heard it could earnestly say that it was so.

And so the dark reign of Blackbeard's degeneracy ends, replaced by the more benevolent reign of manly, muscular, posing men.

Long after hours, when the rest of Chaldea sleeps, two old men sigh as they reminisce over drinks in the Director's office. Glasses of wine arrayed before them, a tall golden pitcher of the same in between, Romani Archaman and Gilgamesh of Uruk drink quietly, with little raucousness or energy between the two of them. Just two old men, with shared experiences.

"Did you have enough fun today?" Romani asks bitterly. He sups at his glass, feeling the smooth red wine burn in the back of his throat. "Was it worth it just to get a laugh? People got hurt today."

"Bah," the King of Uruk scoffs. "No one died, and no one hurt seriously. They are but emotional pains, to grow from. Learn from." He raises his chalice to the light. "To reminisce."

Roman shakes his head. "What would he think, that you would willfully set Chaldea on fire just to satisfy your boredom?"

Gilgamesh looks sharply at him, but not with murderous intent. Merely irritation, felt towards a friend reminding them of a painful or embarrassing moment. "And what would she think, that you are responsible for inciting the incineration of man with poor wording and unresolved frustrations?"

Roman sighs and looks into his glass. "The only thing we can do now is look forward."

"And yet, the solution lies in the past," remarks the King of Heroes. "Ironic isn't it, Solomon?"

Roman sighs. "That life is over, Gilgamesh. You know this."

"Hmm," grunts the King.

The two of them sit quietly, alone with their thoughts and company.

"...At least neither of us put a dick on a girl," Roman notes idly.

"Aye, neither of us," agrees Gilgamesh. "...Though, now I wonder…"

"Gilgamesh no."

"Gilgamesh… maybe."