It was almost a week before she happened to run into Malfoy by accident.
They were leaving charms class with the Hufflepuffs as the Slytherins and Ravenclaws were gong in, and she actually bumped right into him.
Harry and Ron stood, watching on, stunned as Hermione tried to figure out what to do. It was the first time she had actually touched him in what felt like so long and part of her relished in the so very brief connection, another part of her wanted to cuss him out for not being around and another part of her, the one she had to force out, had to think of something on the spot, as they had both almost bounced off of each other on their way through the door.
Before Hermione could say anything, Ron piped up "Watch it Malfoy. Are you ok Hermione?" he asked, pulling her close to him. Too close. She subtly pulled away and said "I'm fine" before glancing up at Malfoy, who had stayed silent, and left in a hurry.
"That was weird, I expected him to say something like he usually does" Harry said.
"Yeah, what's up with that?" Ron asked.
"Maybe he's finally growing up? Thinking for himself" she said.
"Yeah, or maybe professor snape is my godmother" Ron said with a laugh from Harry.
Hermione's mind was in a tailspin. Malfoy seemed to look at her with such indifference, there was some noticeable contempt in his face, which she hadn't seen from him since they first kissed.
She faked a headache and asked to be excused from class, declining Ron's attempt at accompanying her to the hospital wing. Ron had split with Lavender and since then, had been so much more attentive to Hermione. It was odd, although she knew there had been something lingering between them in the past, she was certainly not thinking that way about Ron any longer. The thought of Ron's touch, of his lips on hers, made her cringe.
When she reached the hospital wing corridor, she stopped in her tracks when she saw Malfoy sitting on the seat in the alcove.
She looked around, noting that they were alone and sat down beside him. With the look on his face, she was instantly at ease. The thoughts that had gone through her head the last few days, about him using her, about him lying, about this being the trap she initially thought it might have been were gone with just a look.
He reached his hands to her face and kissed her softly.
"I'm sorry, I've been in detentions all week" he said, resting his forehead against hers.
"That explains it then" she said, realising how silly she had been to allow her thoughts to run rampant. Of course that's where he had been.
"Merlin, I missed you" he said with a huge exhale, making her swoon just a little.
"This isn't easy" she said.
"I think it will get worse before it gets easier" he said.
"I agree" she said.
"Don't give up on me, ok?" he asked.
"I won't. I'm here. I need this too" she said quietly, standing up as footsteps were echoing from around the corner.
She headed into the hospital wing and turned to close the door, seeing professor Snape approach Malfoy and stand him up by the front of his robes. The door shut before she could see anything else, and she went into a frenzy of thoughts.
"Miss Granger, everything ok?" Madame Pomfrey asked.
"Yeah, just a headache" she said.
"I think I heave some potion for that…." She fiddled in her apron pocket and pulled out a tiny bottle, handing it to Hermione.
"Thanks" Hermione said, drinking the potion and handing back the empty bottle before leaving. She was hoping to see Malfoy still there, but he was gone and so was Snape.
That night on her rounds, she made her way slowly through the castle, hoping that she wouldn't come across anything that she would have to deal with. She wasn't in the mood. She was thinking about what Malfoy had said to her, about how things may get worse before they get better. He was certainly right. Who was she kidding, trying to jump into… something… with someone when war was imminent, and they were destined to be on opposing sides?
She was walking down a corridor when she felt a hand reach out from behind a tapestry and pull her in.
"What the…" she said, stopping when she realised it was Malfoy who had essentially kidnapped her.
"I really needed to see you" he said.
"What happened earlier with you and Snape? He grabbed you" she said.
"Don't worry about that, he was just making sure I was still going to detention" he said.
"Which is where you're supposed to be now" she said.
"I am right where I am supposed to be", he said pulling her into his arms in the tight space. She nuzzled into his chest, feeling so completely safe and wanted.
She stood on her toes and kissed him, almost collapsing into his grip when he kissed her back and held her tight.
When they eventually parted, he closed his eyes and whispered.
"Meet me at 9pm tomorrow at the room of requirement?" he asked.
"Of course" she said back, before stepping out from the small unseen space and resuming her rounds. She heard his footsteps head off in the other direction and she finished her rounds with a smile on her face.
It was the first time they had met up, just to meet, just to hold each other. She wondered if she was getting into far.
The next day went by agonisingly slowly. The night that Harry had gone to visit Slughorn, they had inadvertently crashed Aragog's funeral, where Slughorn, drunk from Hagrid's mead, had given Harry the information he needed to finally bring Voldemort down. From the memory, Harry and Dumbledore learnt that Voldemort had made Horcruxes, probably 7 of them, and they were desperate to research and find out what that meant. It was hard for Hermione to concentrate through classes and whispers of Horcruxes, and not to think of all the ways she was desperate for Malfoy to touch her when she went to him tonight.
By the time she headed out for her rounds at 8pm, she was exhausted, but desperate to see Malfoy. She hurried around the corridors, moving some younger students on who were lingering and catching Lavender and Cormack kissing in an unused classroom on the third floor. It was both a relief and a concern and she lacked the capacity to think about that for any length of time.
She rounded the corner to the corridor where the room of requirement was and found Malfoy standing beside the door, waiting for her. Her whole body felt like it was on fire, and she lit up from the inside as her face broke out into a smile the size of the Cheshire cat.
When she approached, he took her by the hand and led her into the room. It was much different to how it was last time they were in there. Now there was a lounge and a fireplace, but there was also a bed.
"Wishful thinking" he said when he saw her looking towards where the huge bed stood against the wall.
She didn't speak, she just took him and led him to the bed, eager to have him touch her, to feel him, to be with him, to be close to him.
She started kissing him and began removing her clothes and pulling at his belt. She didn't want to talk; she didn't want to make a fuss. She wanted him and she would have him.
It was not as painful this time as it was before, but it was just as glorious. He had shown her the stars and she had reciprocated with a cry of his given name to the heavens.
They lay in the blissful aftermath in each other's warm embrace, catching their breath.
"Why did you attack McLaggen?" she asked.
"He had it coming" he said.
"Because of what I told you? Because I said he forced himself on me?" she asked.
"There are things that I've seen that would make even Snapes skin crawl. Kissing someone who doesn't want it and then kissing them more when they try and get away, that's wrong. Its assault and he had to be punished" Malfoy said.
"But if he didn't know why you attached him, then it was all for nothing" she said.
"Oh, he knew. I made sure he knew" Malfoy said with a smirk.
"He knows about us?" she asked.
"Merlin, no, I took it seriously when we agreed that no one should know. Turns out, he's done it to others too" he said.
"Well, right now he's in an empty classroom making out with Lavender Brown, so they're kind of perfect for each
other" she said.
"Wasn't she dating Weasley?" he asked.
"The lives of Gryffindors are so complex" she said with a laugh.
"So that's why Weasley has been all over you lately? He's unattached and thinks you're free game" he said, his face growing angry.
"Relax, I don't want Ron that way" she said.
"Well, someone needs to tell him that" he muttered.
"Tell me about the things you've seen" she said quietly, after a few minutes of silence.
"I can't, its… It's too much" he said.
"You can tell me things. I think we've crossed some kind of barrier. I won't tell anyone that you're human, I promise" she said, leaning herself up on one elbow and kissing his nose. She remained in her semi-upright position looking into his sad face.
"What's wrong? Tell me I want to help" she said.
He seemed to hesitate for almost far too long. She could sense something there, something, or some things, bubbling to the surface. If only she could get through, she could…
"My mother… When father went to Azkaban, she was… well I'll spare you the details, but essentially, she became like a plaything for them. For the death eaters" he said.
"They didn't..?" she asked.
"Oh they did. And they made sure I knew" he said.
"Why though?" she asked.
"Granger, they kill children, they kidnap people, they don't care who they hurt on their way to the top. They just want to get there. They'll do whatever they're told and take whatever gives them their sick sadistic joy that they crave so much" he said.
She looked to his sad face and saw real hurt, real anguish, real pain. He had this whole other life that was terrifying. She leant her head down and laid upon his chest, stroking the fine hairs that grew there in an attempt to calm him, to let him know she was there for him.
"Come with us. When the school year ends, when Hogwarts is over. Dumbledore can keep you safe" she said. "And you mum too. We'll get her out. You can start fresh" she said.
"She won't go" he said.
"So she'll stay and let them just…" she asked.
"Father will be broken out by then and she will want to be with him" he said.
"So leave. Come with me. Run away" she said, somehow desperate to save him from the fate that she was certain awaited him.
"I just… I wish I could. I wish it were that simple" he said.
"It is simple. You can come with me. You can leave" she said, sitting up now and clutching the blanket to her bare chest.
"And do what, Granger? Jump off the Hogwarts express, go along to the Weasel's house and play happy families? Tell everyone that we're together and hope that they accept it? Hope that they can be stupid enough to forget everything I've ever done and believe that I'm serious about us? Be realistic" he said.
Hermione was shocked by his words. She didn't know where to begin. In a way he was right, there was nowhere for him to run to.
"You think I'm stupid? You think that I just forgave you and forgot everything you ever did to me, just like that? Just because you kissed me?" she asked, sadly, moving a little further away from him.
"No, fuck, Salazar, no. I just think, I mean, I wonder, why. How could you have forgotten every slur, every word every time I made you cry? I don't think you're stupid, I just think you're a little blind" he blurted out.
"So because I can forgive and forget you think I'm blind but everyone else who can do it too is stupid? That makes a lot of sense" she said, wondering why they were having an argument only moments after having sex, while still laying here naked.
"Well, maybe you are? Why are you even here? Why did you forgive me? You should have punched me that night on the astronomy tower and saved us both a lot of drama" he said.
"Is that really what you think?" she asked, climbing out of the bed and pulling the sheet with her. He took the cover from the bottom of the bed and pulled it up around himself, although, Hermione was momentarily distracted.
She collected her clothes and started dressing beneath the sheet, not willing to give him the satisfaction of seeing her naked. She berated herself at the idea of that, given he had seen her completely naked now twice. Only, now it was different. She was mad at him.
"It is what I think. How do I know you're not trying to make me fall for you in order to get information from the death eaters? I see you three whispering at the table, I see Potter pointing to his arm. I see a lot that you don't think I see, Granger. You're the one who came to me at the tower, you're the one who came into the room, you're the one who stood beside me" he yelled.
"Yeah, and you kissed me first" she said. "I thought you were upset. I thought you were going to jump. I was trying to avoid a Hogwarts tragedy" she said.
"I was" he said quietly. Too quietly.
"Was what?" she asked.
"I was going to jump" he said.
She stopped dressing. She stood in her pants and shirt with her jumper in her hand and just stared at him.
"Then you came along, and it was like a sign" he said, his eyes filled with tears as he looked towards her. She didn't respond she just stood there in silence. "You don't have to say anything. You weren't to know. Got a time turner? Maybe we can go back and I'll jump and you wont have to deal with any of this" he said, gesturing to the dead space between them.
"That's not what I would have wanted. I wouldn't take back what we have. What we've had. I wouldn't give it back for anything" she said.
"And neither would I, yet here we are, yelling at each other. How can this be anything other than toxic?" he asked.
"This is us. This is how we communicate. The first sign of anything wrong and we resort back to what we know best" she said, taking a tentative step back towards the bed.
"I don't want that" he said.
"Neither do I" she agreed, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Well, what do we do then?" he asked.
"I want you to be safe" she said.
"I'm safer if I'm there" he said sadly.
"Well then I lied. I want you to be with me" she said.
He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her from behind. "I am with you" he said.
"For now… What happens at the end of next month when school's over and we go our separate ways? You go off to be by your parents' sides and I go to support Harry. We'll be on opposite sides of the war" she declared.
"We'll work it out. We'll figure things out as they come. I haven't thought this through beyond today, beyond tonight. I can't. I can't allow myself to think too far ahead, because I never expected to get here. I never expected you to want me the same way I want you and I know there will come a point where you will change your mind. I can't be hopeful when I know that after next month, we don't have a chance in hell of being together. Outside of this room, outside of this castle, outside of this, whatever this is between us, we can't. We won't. There won't be a chance for us. That's just how it is" he said, resting his forehead against her back so she couldn't look at him.
"I can't believe that. I feel something for you and I can't just give up when we go our separate ways" she blurted out, feeling confident when she couldn't see his disappointed face.
"Look at me" he said, turning her around so she could see him. His face was pained. "I love you Granger. I have probably loved you for so much longer than I could ever admit. You are perfection and I am… I'm nothing" he said, stunning her with his honesty.
She placed her hands either side of his horror-struck face and pressed her lips against his.
His declaration of love made everything clear. She loved him right back.
"I love you too. I didn't even know it till now, but I do. You're smart and kind, you beat McLaggen to a bloody pulp for me, you care about everyone else more than you care about yourself. You are so much more than I ever thought you were. And that's why I let you kiss me that night. I saw something in you, and I think I was lacking something in my life. Maybe I saved you from jumping, but you've certainly saved me. I'm all in with you. I'm not going away" she said.
She thought he'd kiss her, but instead, he wrapped his arms around her and held her. She felt his body start to shake and before she knew it, he was weeping.
"Malfoy…" she tried to get him to let go, but he held on tighter. "Malfoy… Draco, please, tell me what's wrong' she said.
"I don't deserve you" he said finally when his body stopped shaking.
The rest of the night was spent talking, opening up about their fears, their concerns for the future. About all the ways that the next few months could go. Their declarations of love had opened a floodgate of communication that didn't even begin to close till the sun started to rise.
"We've been up all night" she said, laying beside him half dozing.
"If I go to sleep, this may all have been a dream" he said.
"I won't let it. I won't let you forget about this" she said.
"I don't want to" he whispered as his breathing grew heavy.