AN - Gets pretty dark through this chapter. Consider yourself warned.
Hermione felt pain before she felt anything else. Her eyes were still closed but very slowly, her senses were coming back. She could hear fuzzy voices that she couldn't make out and she could feel the warmth of someone holding her hand. Her mouth felt dry, like she hadn't had a drink in days.
"Hermione?" she heard Draco's voice.
She opened her eyes and tried to sit up, but her body felt heavy.
"Its ok, lay down, I'll get someone" he said, watching Draco's fuzzy form leave the hospital room.
She looked around and didn't recognise where she was.
"Ahh, miss Granger, I was hoping you'd be awake by now" she heard a friendly voice say after a few moments.
The head of the bed began to rise, and she found herself sitting up, now able to see around her. There were several chairs surrounding her bedside and some lights danced on the wall behind her head. She was in a hospital room.
"What happened? Where am I? Where's Harry and Ron?" she asked, questions coming harder and faster than she could get them out.
"It's ok, we'll tell you all of that, but first I need to ask you some questions", she realised the friendly voice was a medi-wizard.
She frustratedly accommodated him through a range of questions before he declared her fine and Draco returned.
"Draco, what happened? Where are we?" she asked.
"Its over, its all over. You were hit by something. I thought you were dead. There was a battle. Longbottom killed the snake and Harry just hit Voldemort with an expelliarmus and he was dead. Just like that. Their spells met in the middle and then, he just fell down and died" Draco said.
"It's over? It's all really over?" she asked, unable to comprehend that she had slept through it all.
"Its over. Everything you've been fighting for since first year. What Potter's parents sacrificed their lives for" he said with a smile as he placed his hand on her cheek.
"I don't understand though, all that happened, and I was just… unconscious?" she asked.
"You were hit hard by a spell from one of the Carrow's. Everyone thought you were dead. It got through your shields, and you just…" he said, his face full of sadness.
"Its ok, I'm ok, I'm here" she said, pushing herself up and into his arms. He felt safe, he felt comfortable and warm. He felt like home.
"Everyone else is, ok?" she asked.
"Our side took some damage. No deaths" he said. She didn't allow herself to dwell on the fact that he said 'our side' without hesitation.
"The other side? Pansy? Crabbe and Goyle, they…" she started, feeling sad for the losses.
"It's ok, Pansy is ok, she's been taken in by the Aurors. I'm not going to lie to you, there will be loads of questions, but we're ok. Everyone is ok" he said with a smile as he kissed her cheek. It felt like comfort that she didn't know she needed. "Weasley's mother killed my Aunt Bellatrix after she tried to kill Weaslette... I have never seen anything like it" he added, as though the death of a family member was just another thing.
"I'm sorry" she said.
"Don't be, I hated that woman. Plus, I kind of expected it. Or hoped. I did promise the Goblin free reign of their vault" he said, climbing in to lay beside her.
"Your parents?" she asked, laying her head on his chest.
"They were taken by Aurors" he said.
She sat up quicker than she should have.
"Its ok, everything will work out however it's meant to" he said, gently pulling her back down.
They both lay there for some time before she felt her eyes grow heavy. Her mind was running wild with scenarios and ideas about the things she missed while she was unconscious, but part of her was grateful that she missed it.
Hermione hobbled up the stairs to the entrance hall, leaning heavily on her walking cane. It had been an arduous 6 months where she had learnt to walk again. Her injuries had been so significant that she had lost the ability to use her legs. During her recovery, the medi-wizards told her that her determination was the greatest they had ever seen.
It was when she returned to Grimmauld Place that she laid in bed and thought about what her future would hold. She had been adamant her whole life that she would finish school and obtain a traineeship in a place that where she could make a difference. One night she sat in bed watching Draco prepare for his court appearance the following day when she blurted out what she had toyed with since leaving hospital.
"I want to go back to school" she said.
He stopped straightening his clothes and looked to her. They hadn't discussed it at all since the owl delivered their letters 2 weeks earlier. Herself, Harry, Ron and Draco had all been given acceptances to the Auror department without having to complete their NEWTS but Hermione was tired of fighting. Her body was still broken, and she decided straight away that being an Auror wasn't for her.
"Is that what you decided?" he asked.
"I can't see myself moving forward till I finish school. It's all mental for me Draco. I need to" she said.
"Ok, then we'll go to Hogwarts" he said with a smile.
"We?" she asked.
"Of course" he said.
"No, Draco, not 'of course', you have to do what you want to do" she argued. She wasn't going to have him throw away this opportunity to fast track his career just so he could babysit her through her last year of school.
He smiled as he climbed onto the bed, crawling his way up her legs till they came face to face.
"I want to be where you are. I don't care about anything else. I never wanted to be an auror anyway" he said before kissing her gently.
She pulled him closer, trying to get him to kiss her more deeply, trying to feel something. He done more than a light peck on the lips since she woke up from her weeklong coma and she was itching for him to touch her.
Tonight was no exception to any other night, though. The more she tried, the harder he pulled back, climbing off the bed and returning to the cupboard to prepare his clothes for the following day.
She could clearly see that he was excited. The tent in his pants was evidence that he wanted it as badly as she did and she couldn't see why he was rejecting her, again and again.
They didn't speak about it and eventually, she stopped trying.
The school, it turned out, had suffered some pretty significant damage during the battle, but teachers, students, families and friends had worked hard to restore it to as close to perfection as they could.
The buzz in the great hall was just as she remembered, full of life, full of excitement for the year to come. As she hobbled to her place at the Gryffindor table, Ginny stood quickly and ran to her, helping her down the aisle.
"Ginny, I'm fine, I can manage" she said, leaning on her cane and hurrying her steps a little.
She looked over to the other side of the room to where Draco was seated and smiled a small smile, which he returned. They had had a fight on the train about where they would live, with Hermione being clear that they should follow the rules and sleep in their house dorms, but Draco was adamant that he was going to be requesting special living quarters, given the situation and her need to be cared for. Hermione's biggest gripe was, now that she was injured and physically appeared weak, people always thought she needed help. Always tried to help her. Always wanted to make things easier for her. In fact, it was doing the opposite. It was making her feel inadequate, broken, useless. She needed to do things for herself. She needed to try as hard as she could to get back some sense of normality and even though the idea of sleeping alone, without Draco, was horrible, she was desperate to have her last year at school as normal as possible.
Right now, even though she had stormed off and not spoken to him since the train, she wanted nothing more than to go to him and curl up in his lap for the beginning of term announcements. However, she found herself seated at her usual place at the Gryffindor table with her back to him, smiling at her friends, greeting the people she hadn't seen in months.
Days passed by as though they were in a hurry to get somewhere, as Hermione struggled to navigate her life with her new limitations. Her doctors had said it would go away, but as it had turned out, the spell had targeted her spinal cord. Designed to kill, but was weakened by the strength of her shield, which is why she survived.
She met with Draco at every opportunity and sat with him in classed that they shared, but still, he refused to touch her more than a peck on the lips, a hug or holding hands.
At night, she found herself casting a silencing spell around her bed and crying herself to sleep, wishing for the days and nights at Grimmauld Place where she could lay beside Draco and run her hands through his light spattering of chest hair. She would close her eyes and remember how his breath would hitch when she ran her hand down his abdomen, beyond his belly button and down into his pyjama shorts. Her breath caught n her throat when she remembered how he felt, hard in her hands, how he would take his hands and run them all over her body, how he would dip his head low between her thighs and have her calling out.
On this night, she threw back the covers, desperate to get out of there. It was late but she couldn't stay there dwelling on what her life once was. She had lost so much, and it felt like only a matter of time before she lost her boyfriend too.
When she got up and took her cane in her hand, Ginny sat up, placing her book on her nightstand.
"You ok?" she asked, as Hermione out her shoes and plain robe on.
"No, Ginny, I'm not. I'm far from ok. Everyone wants to help me do things, but no one will give me what I really need" she said, running her hands through her knotted hair.
"What is it that you want?" Ginny asked.
"I just want some peace. I want to lay in a bed with my boyfriend and have him worship me the way he used to. I want to walk at a decent pace or run up the stairs. I want to be first to class, not last. I want to keep up with my friends when we walk to class. I want people not to look at me as the one who keeps getting injured in fights. I want my boyfriend to… to fuck me or at least be able to just fucking touch me. Is that too much?" she ranted, now out of breath.
Ginny stared at her open mouthed as Hermione looked back. The silence stretched for mere seconds before Hermione stormed off, as much as she could, out the door and down the stairs. She forced her way through the portrait hole and out into the corridor. The Fat Lady commenting on her disturbed sleep before being silenced by Hermione's wand.
She limped her way down the corridor, down the stairs and through corridors to the bottom of the Astronomy Tower before making the arduous climb to the top. She hadn't been back here, hadn't wanted to. This place held so many memories, so much pain, but so much joy. She wanted to be here to feel something, to remind her of a life she used to have.
All it did, though, when she arrived at the top, was remind her how much pain it caused her to move so fast. She limped to the rail that overlooked the grounds and stood there in silence. It was peaceful. As she looked over the grounds, part of her wished she had brought a pain potion, but part of her was desperate to feel the pain. To know that she was still here. That all of this hadn't been for nothing.
The longer she stood, the more she began to dwell on her relationship with Draco. Tonks had said she had seen the bond between them, and there was no denying they had something more than just lust fuelled teenage hormones. But part of her, standing here, was telling her that maybe the book was right. Maybe bonds didn't have to mean a romantic partnership. She did ok with Ron when Draco wasn't around, and the more days that ticked by here at school just meant it had been longer since she felt any real connection to Draco.
Love was great, being in love was beautiful, but for Hermione, love meant more. Love needed a physical connection and with that having been lacking for the last 6 and a half months, the love felt like it was fading away. She craved physical intimacy and sex was the best way she knew how to achieve that.
She took a step up and placed her feet on the bottom bar of the rail, lifting herself higher, trying to see more of the grounds. She remembered the conversation she had had with Draco about the night she found him here, about what he was planning. She wondered if she had interfered with fate. If life had plans for him and those plans ended with him at the bottom of the tower instead of Dumbledore. Did she change the course of how things were supposed to go, and that's why she was now being punished?
She felt tears sliding down her face as she imagined a life without Draco. Sixth year without him, the war months, the Horcruxes. They wouldn't have succeeded in killing Voldemort if not for Draco. Was this why she had been drawn to him? Had fate brought them together for the destruction of Voldemort and now it wanted nothing more than to pull them apart?
She turned and let herself slide to the floor, sobbing into her knees as she wrapped her arms around herself. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to feel like she was a pawn in some game to destroy Voldemort. She wondered what Draco was doing now and whether he felt the same. If he had seen her in a different light since she had gotten hurt. If he didn't see the sexy, bossy girl with attitude that he claimed to have fallen in love with.
Certainly, since waking from her coma she hadn't been that at all. She had been dependant, weak, quiet. She didn't ask for anything but the things she had needed during her recovery had been tremendous.
Had he grown tired of her? Had he seen a side to her that he didn't like? Had he fallen out of love?
She conjured a blanket as the idea of getting down the stairs and back to her dorm sent fresh waves of pain down her spine and through her legs. She wrapped the blanket around herself, allowing her tears to flow, thinking about all the ways Draco could break it off with her, all the ways he could hurt her, break her heart, tear her life to pieces.
At some point, she had fallen asleep. Her dreams were filled with images of early years Draco, pointing and laughing at her with Pansy Parkinson by his side, his arms draped around her in a possessive way.
She woke in the morning to the sun streaming in, warming the circular room. She sat up, stretching as the awkward way that she had slept had made her body feel tight.
As she looked around for her cane to help her up off the floor, she noticed Draco sitting across the room from her.
"Hi" was all he said as she pulled herself to her feet.
"I uh, I couldn't sleep so I came here and then couldn't bring myself to make my way back down" she said, feeling the need to defend her actions. The thoughts from the night before and the images from her dream were fresh in her mind and the more she looked to him, the more she realised she needed to end it.
"Your friends were worried. Weaslette said you were acting pretty strange last night" he said, not getting up off the floor.
"They worry too much. I'm fine" she said, looking everywhere but at him as she stood with her back against the railing where he had first kissed her. There was no chance of that happening now. No way he would do anything more than hold her hand or hug her briefly. Like a friend. Not like a boyfriend. Not like a lover.
"You missed breakfast. People thought… well, you haven't been yourself" he said, causing her to feel anger build up inside. Herself? What did that even mean? How could she be herself when nothing was like it was? When the idea of herself was so foreign, when there was not a semblance of herself left.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Draco" she said.
"Tell me you're ok and I'll leave you alone" he said, causing her to look to him for the first time since he had said hi.
"I'm ok. I'm not going to throw myself off the tower. You can go" she said, turning to look out at the grounds.
When she heard the door creak open, a sudden realisation hit her, and she had to say it out loud.
"We're over" she said, not turning around, so he didn't see the tears that now ran down her face. She had to do this. She had to end it. Whatever it was that they had, had now run its course. She needed to free him. His footsteps signalled him leaving the room and as soon as the door closed, she allowed herself to fall, to break, the floodgates to open.
She gave herself some time to cry, to feel, to hurt. To feel the pain of Draco's loss, before she got back up and made her way down through the castle.
By the time she got to the ground floor, it was lunch time and her stomach certainly let her know that she had skipped breakfast.
In her usual spot at the table, she noticed there was a stack of wrapped presents and some envelopes. She closed her eyes and mentally chastised herself for forgetting. Today was her birthday.
She couldn't turn to leave, even if she wanted to. Ginny, Neville, Lavender, Seamus, Dean, and Luna were gathered around the table and began singing 'Happy Birthday' as soon as they saw her.
This was the last thing she wanted, but she painted a smile on her face and limped to her friends and sat at her spot at the table.
Wishes of happy birthday came thick and fast from around the school. Ginny didn't mention her absence at breakfast or in her bed the night before and no one dared to whisper Draco's name. She figured they had worked it out. Ginny had, at least. She opened the presents, which were mostly books, a scarf, a bottle of firewhisky, which she hid straight away, and some new quills and some decorative ink pots. Clearly, people knew her.
The Elves had given the Gryffindor table a special lunch, which made Hermione feel worse. She hated the spotlight and now, especially, she wanted nothing more than to leave. To stand up, grab her cane and limp out of there.
She entertained small talk and thanked her friends for her presents. She opened cards that had come in the mail from Harry and Ron, but was saddened to see that, despite having ended it with him only that morning, he hadn't added one to the pile.
Had he been wanting to end it with her? Had he planned to find her, on the morning of her birthday and break up with her? She was now glad beyond belief that she had done it first. She was devastated beyond belief and part of her wanted to climb across the tables and go to him, beg him to forgive her and take her back. But she knew, if he couldn't even look at her, couldn't touch her, couldn't be what she needed him to be, she couldn't stay with him. She couldn't lie to herself anymore and pretend like he still loved her as much as he ever did, when she didn't feel it. When he wasn't around. Part of her now wished he hadn't come back to school with her. At least then there would have been an excuse for why he hadn't touched her in weeks.
"Ah, Miss Granger, happy birthday" came Headmaster McGonagall from behind her.
"Thank you, professor" she said, accepting a card from the older witch.
"I think you'll find everything is on order for your move" she said.
"Move?" Hermione asked.
"Why, yes, your move to your new ground level dorm. Mister Malfoy has been very persistent" she said, looking pointedly at the envelope in Hermione's hand before walking away.
She sat back, opening the envelope which had a card and a small piece of parchment in it. The card had the usual birthday wishes signed by the staff and the parchment had a room number and "bubblegum" written on it. The room number was one that she recognised from an abandoned classroom she used to find herself in with Draco in sixth year.
She excused herself from the table, asking to be alone and limped out of the room and down the hall. The room was at the end of a quiet corridor, which is why it had been perfect for them to have met up in the past.
She approached the door and saw a small gold lion in a small frame, prancing aback and forward. When it noticed her, it looked at her expectantly.
"Bubblegum?" she said, and the lion smiled, as much as lions can, before a click was heard inside the handle mechanism.
She twisted the door handle and pushed the door open, finding herself in what appeared to be a dormitory lined with bookshelves. The room was smaller than she remembered, and that was when she noticed there was a door to her right. To the left was a fireplace with a lounge and some squashy armchairs, all in Gryffindor colours. The walls were maroon with gold and silver accents and the shelves were filled with books on all subjects. Mostly ones that she recognised. Some she didn't.
She was looking around at the room when the door to her right opened and Draco stepped out holding a box of assorted things.
His face was red, and his clothes dishevelled.
"I'm just packing up some things of mine, I'll be out of here in a few minutes" he said.
"What is this place?" she asked.
"It was your birthday present. Well, I suppose it still is. Just, give me some time to get my things. Don't go into the bedroom for a while. I need to pack up in there" he said before brushing past her and heading out the door.
All thoughts of Draco not having sent a card were forgotten. This room was incredible. It was close to the great hall and to all of her classes. It was all the right colours and had the perfect atmosphere. The sentiment was right, but she still couldn't erase what had happened in the last 3 weeks. In the last 6 months. He didn't want her. He hadn't touched her. He had slept beside her every night in Grimmauld Place and not touched her, so the fact that he had moved them both in here meant nothing.
When she was sure he was gone, she made her way over to the door he had come out of, and opened it.
She stood in the doorway with her mouth open. She had never been so stunned in all her life. There was a massive 4 post bed with Gryffindor maroon and Slytherin green curtains intertwined and two wardrobes, one of which was open and appeared to have been emptied. All her clothes had been put in the other one and her trunk was sitting neatly beside the bed, on the side that she would normally have slept on at Grimmauld Place.
She looked around and saw another door which, when she opened it, she saw lead to an ensuite bathroom.
She spun around, walking back towards the bed, placing her hand down to feel the soft covers, but quickly withdrew her hand when she saw what was on the bed. She took two steps back and now realised why Draco had asked her not to come in here.
Her head spun, images of the last 12 hours flooding her mind. Images of the last 6 months, really.
She remembered back to Gringotts and looked back to the bed, recognising a small velvet box that stood in the centre of the bed, surrounded by what appeared to have once been flower petals in a heart shape. She leant across and took the box in her hand, gently prising it open and recognising what was in there, as a gasp escaped her.
"You weren't supposed to see that. I was coming back for it" Draco said from the doorway.
She quickly slammed it shut and held it out to him, trying hard to pretend like she didn't just see the most beautiful ring, the ring she had seen in his vault, the one that had caught her attention and she had thought about several times since then.
He stepped forward and took it in his hand, his movements slow. He opened the box and toyed with the ring before turning it and showing it to her with a shrug.
"I was going to propose" he said, closing the box and walking to the bed where he gathered the flower petals to one side.
"I… I had no idea" she said, still trying to register the shock from the room and the ring. "About any of this" she added.
"You wouldn't. Its ok, you can still have it… The room, that is" he said, putting the box in his pocket.
She looked around and realised that he had done this. He had arranged this all for her. He had organised it with McGonagall, decorated it, moved her things in and planned the surprise.
"I can't… I can't live here on my own" she said, realising she hadn't ever been alone before.
"Maybe you can swap the bed out for some singles, see if Weaslette or Lovegood can come and stay" he said, his voice monotone.
He was sad. He was as sad as she was, and it was hurting her to see him like this.
"I didn't want this for us" she said, tears building in her eyes. She felt that a lot lately.
"It is what it is. I'll get over it eventually. I did once before, I will again" he said.
"The bond…" she said.
"Will diminish, remember? One day it will be gone and that will be that" he said.
"I feel like… I have felt like… the bond has been diminishing for a while" she said, suddenly realising what it was that she had felt all along.
"I'm sorry" he said, placing the flowers into a box with a few nick knacks and heading for the door.
"Draco, stop…." She said, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him back. He stood still, allowing her to hold him in place, knowing she wasn't strong enough. "Don't go. Just… lets talk" she said.
"Talk? About what, Granger? You said it, we're over" he said placing the box on the floor.
"Only because I didn't know what else to do" she said, tears spilling from her eyes at the way he callously said her last name, the way that he used to.
"You could use your brain? You could talk about it, to anyone. I'm not the only one who has noticed you're different. This thing… this injury, it's destroyed any sense of who you ever were, and I have no idea how to get through to you anymore. Maybe its for the best? Maybe you were right to end it? Maybe you need to figure out who you are with this, rather than try and be who you were without it? I fucking love you Hermione, more than I have loved anyone. More than my own mother. This bond hasn't weakened for me, it has grown stronger since your injury, it has made me want to take care of you, but you won't let me. All I want to do, all I wanted to do was love you the way that I have for the last year, but since the moment you realised you wouldn't be the same, you have pushed me away" he said, breathing heavily.
He had a point. He really did. Maybe it wasn't him pushing her away, maybe it was her retreating? Maybe she had pulled away? Maybe she had pulled away so much that he had no choice but to hold back from her.
There was only one way to find out.
She stepped towards him and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. She held fistfuls of his shirt in her hands, and she pushed him back roughly against the wall behind him. She pulled him back to her and then pushed him again, making the wall shake. When she pulled him back to her, she pulled him to her lips and crashed them together. When he tried to pull away, she only pulled him closer, hoping he would give her this, desperate for him to realise. For him to see.
She felt him relent, his hands making their way around her body, making her shudder as she felt the warmth of their bond make its way, fresh, through her body. He kissed her with as much passion as she kissed him as she held tight to his shirt, afraid that he would pull away, reject her, leave her wanting, yet again.
In a sign that she was certain he would understand, she pulled his shirt up over his head and did the same to her own. Her fingers then found his belt buckle and quickly divested him of his pants, while their lips never parted. He reciprocated, hastily lowering her pants and underwear, leaving her in nothing but her bra.
The bed was so close, but she needed this to be something more. Something hard, fast, rough. She wasn't sure if her legs would hold, but she spun them around till she was against the wall and then wrapped her arms around his neck before she lifted herself up, feeling him press against her in just the way she needed. They were skin to skin; one move and he would ease the itch she had felt for 6 agonisingly long months.
"Draco…" she said, entangling he fingers into his hair. She needed no words. He looked into her eyes and kissed her once, the kind of kiss she knew, the one that he used in the past to tell her he loved her. He lifted her a little and reached down between them, taking himself in his hand and lowering her inch by agonising inch as she moaned through the sweet torture, until he was full sheathed.
"This is all. This is what I wanted. This is all I needed Draco" she said before either of them moved.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you. I'm an idiot" he said, pushing into her and pressing her against the wall.
"You couldn't. You wouldn't hurt me, I promise" she said, and she meant it. Physically, there was no pain, just sweet relief.
Again and again, he pushed against her, pressing her against the wall until she couldn't handle it any longer.
"Bed" she instructed, and he quickly obliged, not breaking the contact as he carried her to the bed.
He deposited her at the edge of the bed on her back and held her hips as he pounded himself into her. It was hard and rough, just how she needed it. Just how he knew she liked it. Still, there was no pain, just relief and pure bliss.
He toyed with her clit with one hand as his other twisted a nipple, sending her nerves into overdrive as he kept up his pace.
Her body was overcome with pleasure, but she knew what she needed.
She climbed backwards up the bed and pulled him with her, bringing him back down so he could enter her again. Every single time, each and every time they had had sex, the moment he entered her was always the same. Always bliss, always ecstasy.
She held him tight and pulled his body against hers, needing his weight on her, needing the friction, needing to feel him.
Within moments, she was overcome with an orgasm that made her whole body convulse. She saw stars behind her eyes and cried out his name as she dug her nails into his skin. His last few pumps were fast, showing her that he had lost himself just as much as she had.
It had been incredibly fast, but oh so good. Six months in his presence without that feeling was what had driven her into what she was now realising was a deep depression. A state of self-loathing and low self-esteem. All the while, Draco had simply been afraid to hurt her.
She felt like an idiot. He had spent all this time creating this place, moving her things, setting this up for them both to share and she had just broken it off with him the morning he was supposed to reveal it all to her.
"Marry me" she said to him, as they lay tangled in each other's limbs.
"I can't, we aren't even dating" he said.
"Be my boyfriend then" she said.
"ok" he answered with a smile and a kiss.
"Marry me" she repeated with a sleepy smile on her face.
"Hermione…" he said, pulling himself out of their tangled embrace.
She opened her eyes and saw sincerity in his face.
"Yeah?" she asked, knowing what was coming.
"I would be the happiest man on the face of this planet, if you would agree to marry me" he said, presenting her with the box that she was sure he must have summoned while she had been stuck in her head.
"I would love to" she said, allowing him to place the ring on her finger.