Author's note:
It's been a while. But here you go. I'm out of the habit of writing so I'm afraid this chapter will seem a little different than the others but I hope it's nonetheless enjoyable! Reviewers were asking for more interaction with other team members so I threw that in here too. Also, if you haven't figured this out already, I love dragging on Raven and Gar's relationship tension as much as possible. So if you feel like slapping me at any point for always causing problems between them, it's probably deserved.
Cheers!
She was going to kill him.
That is, if he didn't annoy her to death first. With her mouth set in a firm and angry line she picked herself off the floor for the sixth time that day, knowing full well that her poor performance in afternoon training had little to do with lack of skill and had a lot to do with distraction. Garfield was spending his free moments smirking at her and shooting her winks from the other side of the room. Robin, however, seemed blind to it all, mostly focusing his attentions on critiquing Raven's form and techniques. To say the ordeal was frustrating would be an understatement.
"Your movements are slow, you're hesitating and you're far too stiff."
She could feel sweat dripping down her legs, the salt making her chaffed knees burn. She was sick of being dumped on the floor.
"Gar, please take this seriously." Robin was resetting his stopwatch, apparently not completely oblivious to Garfield's ridiculous antics. He was currently doing handstands and making faces at her.
It was an attempt to rile her up. Make her angry. Make her a little ruthless. He wanted to play with her, fully aware that sweaty hand-to-hand combat was Raven's least favorite exercise due to her obvious issues with personal space. And Gar's wandering hands weren't helping either. However, these discomforts were now looking smaller and smaller in comparison to her larger goal of beating the ever loving shit out of him.
"Again! And Raven, stop hesitating and letting him corner you. More offense!"
Gar flashed her a toothy smile as he crouched low to ground, leaving her to imagine him as some predatory animal. She saw him tense, and her own muscles followed his example as Robin raised the whistle to his lips.
A high pitch shrill hit her ears and she was propelled forward by her fury and frustration. They clashed midway, and Raven found herself once again closer to him than she originally anticipated. His foot came forward, attempting to sweep her feet again, but she let her weight carry her backwards, throwing her leg up as she did in an attempt to deliver a roundhouse kick to his temple. She watched as his eyes darted to the side, catching her movement and raising his arm to block. She quickly pulled her leg back before he could grab it and he took that opportunity to charge towards her again.
He would punch at her face, she knew, to distract her. But this time she was ready.
Raven ignored the feint to her head, and instead took that opportunity to deliver her own punch to his middle. Her concentration was intense, taking in as much sensory data as possible: the shift of his body, the air from the movement of his attacks, the slightest tensing of his muscles. She had to read it all and react.
Her hand shot forward and she felt a burst of confidence as he backed away, but it soon turned sour as she felt his hand clamp down on her fist. A string of curses ran through her brain on instinct and surely enough she could feel the helpless sensation spread through her as he twisted her wrist trying to bring her around to dump her on the floor again. She could feel his glee as all the control shifted into his hands which were intent on bringing her closer to him and all the sweat and heat that encompassed him.
Raven's immediate instinct was to pull away, to withdraw into herself and get away from the demanding and ruthless body attempting to invade her space. But the previous six encounters with the mat told her that perhaps this time should be different. Her anger was still predominant enough at this point to override her instincts and so, with an uncharacteristically devilish burst of decision making, Raven allowed the strong arm to pull her around.
She flowed towards him and his body, not accustom to handling a willing victim, yanked her back hard with an expectation of resistance. She collided with him firmly, her back to his chest. And despite the sudden overwhelming sensation of heat that spread across her body, and very strong scent of sweat and male, Raven's spirit gave a giddy jolt because she could feel his shock and sudden paralysis. She felt his muscles tense against her, felt his shallow breath on the back of her neck.
A brief second of his hesitation was all she needed to deftly (and with a small prayer of gratitude for her short stature) bend forward and throw him over her shoulder. His weight rolled across her shoulder and hit the mat with a satisfying smack. She was gloriously pleased with herself. He looked up at her from where he lay at her feet with a bemused expression that betrayed his obvious confusion as to how the world had suddenly inverted itself. While Raven was savoring her revenge Robin's voice suddenly cut in over the warm buzz currently melting through her body.
"Excellent timing Raven and it was nice to see you use his attacks to your advantage. Finally you're getting it." Robin let a smile spread across his normally serious expression. She liked the way it warmed his features and she felt her face glow slightly under his praise. Normally she'd brush off the compliments as either false or degrading but this new outlook she was trying to adopt was simply another part of her attempt to live differently. To live more fully. Even if that meant something as small as accepting a compliment.
She gave a bow of her head, watching out of the corner of her eye as Gar picked himself gingerly off the mat, all the while flashing her dangerous looks. He'd have a bruised shoulder to go along nicely with his bruised ego.
"Okay, thanks you two. That's enough for today," said Robin as he wrapped up the stopwatch and put it in his pocket. A strange silence followed his statement and Raven realized Gar was uncommonly quiet which somehow filled her with an annoying need to say something, if just to kill the vacuum Robin's words had created. Pushing away her usual shyness, she made her way over to Robin, all the while trying to ignore the blanket of awkwardness which seemed to have descended on the room.
"What is Victor making for dinner?" The question tumbled out, harmless enough but in a voice foreign to her ears. Small talk was a skill she rarely exercised.
"Spaghetti, I think. At least I hope so. I'm starved and pasta sounds amazing right now." Raven hummed in agreement, feeling the familiar shyness creep up on her. They were heading out the door with Gar somewhere in tow behind them. Raven nervously pushed her mussed hair behind her ears.
"I should... cook next week. For everyone." The announcement of her idea seemed to roll over Robin like a small wave. He seemed stunned, then softened and with a genuinely heartfelt smile he turned to look at her.
"I think we'd all love that."
"I've never cooked before. Please don't feel obligated to eat it if the meal is disastrous." Robin gave a small laugh.
"You can always get help. Victor and Gar are both pretty good cooks. I'm sure they wouldn't mind giving you some tips."
Somewhere behind them a door opened and shut. Raven turned to look behind her, half surprised by the empty hallway. She shouldn't have felt the sting of disappointment in her chest. He was just being childish after all. But here she was offering something, something personal and new and fragile, something he had tried to pull out of her for years and, of all times, he chose now to disappear.
"Gar seems moodier than usual." Robin noted with a grimace. Raven shrugged as if trying to convince him that she didn't mind. It didn't hurt. Just like the bruise on her hip. If she didn't think about it too much it really wasn't that painful. There would have been a time, she thought, not too long ago when she would have ignored him, or taken pleasure in angering him. But right now, especially with the way he had been acting towards her lately, it was difficult to ignore his slight snub.
"He's probably just upset about how you flipped him. He hates losing at anything."
"Yeah, probably something like that." Another shrug. Raven suddenly realized that her nonchalance was having the opposite intended effect on Robin. It just made him more aware of how much she was bothered by Gar's mood.
"I'm sure he'll be fine by dinner. You know Gar, he can't help but act like a preteen sometimes."
"Hey listen," she said quietly. "I know you like to watch out for me but really I'm okay. In fact I'm doing a lot better these days. Better than I ever was before. It's going to take more than one of Gar's tantrums to throw me back into my old scary self." The words felt a little awkward coming out of her mouth but maybe that was only because it was the truth. Somehow putting the truth into words was a lot harder than even the most elaborate lie.
"Yeah..." Robin sighed. He scratched the back of his head a little nervously. "I know, it's just habit I guess. And you're never scary. Just... kind of unpredictable." He gave a short laugh, trying to lighten his words. It was always easier to belittle the past, and Raven knew he would never admit to how much she had hurt them at times with her callousness. She was thankful for that. Though at times she marveled at her friends' capacity for forgiveness.
"So you prefer boring, predictable Raven?" Raven drawled in her usual monotone. Robin shook his head.
"I prefer happy, sociable Raven. The unpredictably only becomes a bad thing when repair fees and ambulances are involved."
"So you're saying I can feel free to be as unpredictable as I'd like so long as both Gar and the light fixtures stay intact." Raven surmised.
"Exactly." Raven didn't miss the smirk on his face. She was also enjoying the banter.
"I might not be able to promise the former." She warned him. He looked at her from the corner of his eye, with the smile still twitching on his lips.
"I don't know, you better watch out for him. You're not the only one around here who's showing a change of heart." Raven didn't know quite how to take that comment, heck she didn't know what it was about it that suddenly made it feel like gravity had increased tenfold. But she felt the defensiveness come back. The walls were up again and Robin and his fading smirk were on the other side of it.
"Hey now, no need to get so stiff. I'm just teasing."
"I'm aware." She heard the ice in her tone but couldn't find it in herself to care. Their footsteps were quickly bringing them to the end of the hallway where they would part ways and Raven was relieved upon realizing it. Robin let out a sigh and slowed his pace. She knew he was trying to prevent her from escaping so soon and his efforts to do so annoyed her.
"I know Gar still has a lot of growing up to do." He told her bluntly. Raven's eyebrow inched upward in response. She still wasn't sure where he was going with this. Or how far has was going with it.
"You mean he's not the mature, upstanding, respectable man I've grown to know and love?" Perhaps the sarcasm was a little too thick.
"Raven, your sarcasm only tells me that what I'm saying bothers you." Yeah, it had been a little too much for Robin's taste. His voice had gone from light and playful to serious and if she wasn't careful a lecture would soon follow. She was used to his transformations, from friend and team mate to captain and father figure.
"Or maybe it should tell you that you're stating the obvious." Robin stiffened, then sighed, seeming to let go of whatever reprimanding phrase he had wanted to deliver. His next words came out in a more defeated tone.
"Okay yes, he's immature. I know it and you know it and I know you know it but that's not the point I'm trying to make." Raven paused and gave him a stare which she hoped would convey the blank slate she was drawing in her mind. This only seemed to exasperate him further.
"Look, just don't ever think that he's... "
"..."
"...don't believe he's something he's not. He can act mature and walk the walk and talk the talk but deep down he's just as clueless as-"
"Robin. The day I believe Garfield Logan is a mature individual is the day they ship me off to Arkham Asylum." Robin cleared his throat nervously, or perhaps he was preparing himself for whatever piece of useless, yet thoughtful, advice he was going to give her next. Honestly, she didn't like this conversation at all. It made her feel like he knew things she didn't and if there was anything that she prided herself on more than anything it was good insight and keen observational skills. But despite this, for some reason Robin had felt that it was in her best interest to give her words of warning on behalf of Garfield's character. Why now out of all times? What could be going on under that spikey black-haired head of his? She felt his nervousness, his awkwardness, and yet she also felt a strong sense of... what was it? Protectiveness? This, oddly enough, made her bristle with annoyance.
"I don't need you looking out for me." She told him flatly. There had been a beat between them and Raven felt her words erase the previous warmth that had been between them a few minutes ago. He looked at her for a moment, as if trying to read something behind the rejection but apparently he could find nothing. His head turned away from her and then he spoke.
"Raven, I will always respect your wishes because I know, and you know, that when it comes down to it, I really have no choice. You never take anything that is offered to you and you think that this shows strength. And if there is one thing we have in common, it is our hatred for weakness, especially in ourselves. So as a friend, and as a person who knows that hatred, I want to tell you that knowing when to accept advice is not a weakness. I have harmed not only myself but others because I rejected guidance when it was given to me. Don't make that mistake."
He was walking down the hallway away from her when Raven turned to look at him again. Deep in her gut she felt an old hurt begin to pulse.
The cold water from the showerhead made her feel like screaming. But she clamped her jaw and stood rigid under the blinding flow of water until the numbness slowly took her. Raven hadn't taken a cold shower in ages but today, with her mind in a muddy mess from Gar's bipolar behavior and Robin's words, she needed the shock of clarity that only this icy sensation could provide. It stole the breath from her lungs and made her skin prickle painfully but at least her mind was busy protesting about the cold instead of driving her crazy. It was, if she had to compare it to anything, a quick and dirty substitute for meditation.
Raven stood there a minute longer before letting out a shaky breath and grabbing the soap. Another minute and she was out of the freezing water and standing on the cold tiles outside the shower stall. As she stood there shivering, Raven began to wonder if this had been such a great idea after all. She had definitely managed to clear her mind for the scant five minutes she had spent in the shower but she knew that once the warmth started to seep back into her body (which didn't seem to be happening too quickly) then the annoying buzz of her thoughts and emotions would return as well.
Raven didn't want to think about Robin's words or his implications about Gar, or the way he had looked at her, almost with... pity or some equally disgusting emotion. She angrily rubbed at her limbs with the towel before pulling on her bathrobe. It wasn't fair of him to assume such things about her, despite his friendly intentions. To her it had just felt wrong and uncomfortable. There was nothing going on between her and Gar, and nothing she needed warning about.
And yet, as she yanked a brush through her hair, there were small things nagging at her from the back of her mind. Things like the moments when Gar held her gaze for far too long or how he never left a room before she did. But it wasn't as if she had fallen for him like some ditzy schoolgirl! He had been the one to tease her, to find opportunities for casual touches, to push her up against bookcases, to... Well, in any case she never initiated any of these encounters and the acceleration of her heart rate could hardly be helped. It was a natural response and nothing else.
Throwing her towel in the hamper she exited the bathroom, pulling the robe tighter around her form as the cold air from the hallway hit her skin. He could push her all he wanted but in the end truthfully, as she had promised Robin, they would throw her in the crazy house before she ever considered Gar mature enough to take him seriously. Then of course, he just had to be leaning there against the wall.
There were a lot of things wrong with this situation, was the first thought that came to Raven's mind when she saw him. To begin with, he had the look on him of a person who had been waiting for someone. There was also the casual way he was resting there with his back against the wall, somehow managing to look both dangerous and calm in the same instant. She also noticed that he didn't look hurried or nervous or agitated in anyway, as if her appearance had no effect on him, that she had simply happened to come around the corner as he had known she would. But there was no eagerness associated with her arrival, he was relaxed as if they had all the time in the world.
However, the thing that was most wrong with this situation was how when their eyes met she saw that he was aware of it all.
"Gar." She had meant to say his name in greeting but it left her lips sounding more like a note of warning.
"Heya, Rae." He drawled. The voice had a smile in it but the mouth was unreadable.
"I have a feeling you're up to no good, as usual." This drew a small chuckle from him. His body lengthened before her as he stood up straight away from the wall.
"Yup, just standing here, plotting all kinds of mischief." Raven felt an ounce of relief pass through her as he made the joke. Perhaps she was overly tense from earlier and it was making her paranoid.
"Well, then it's a good thing I know I can kick your ass if I need to." She saw a small muscle twitch in his face as said this.
"Eh, you were just lucky that you caught me off guard."
"So are you waiting here just to tell me that my take down was all about luck?"
"Who said I was waiting?"
"Don't be stupid. You know I hate stupid."
"Who said I was waiting for you?" Raven paused here, unsure of how to proceed. It was mostly because Gar was succeeding in making her uncomfortable on many different levels and escape was looking better and better.
"If you're not waiting for me then I'll be off." This was meant to be a good-bye and Raven had even started forward when she felt her body jerk to a stop. It wasn't because he had grabbed her, at least not with his hand.
"And what if I was waiting for you?" She didn't turn her head to look at him but she responded, keeping her voice as flat as possible.
"Then I would ask you why. And I would also say that this creepy behavior is not very becoming of you."
"Aw, lighten up." She turned to see him scratching the top of his head.
"If you're worried that I'm here to ambush you and exact my revenge here in the hallway then you can relax."
"Well that's definitely a relief." He smirked at her.
"Doesn't mean that I'm not asking for a rematch next time. Besides, the view from below doesn't suit you." Raven felt her face color at his words.
"So you're here to heckle me."
"What? No! Just chatting. Dinner's not ready yet."
"So you're bored. And here to heckle me." He rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically.
"Geez woman, it's just small talk. Don't get your panties in a bunch." She was about to tell him that she wasn't wearing any, just to be defiant, when she realized how disastrous that would be.
"But I believe you were the one sulking earlier." She pointed it. Raven was also half-hoping he would shed some light on his behavior after practice.
"Not everyone is as keen on talking to Robin as you are." Was it her imagination or was there a hint of anger there in his tone? She was glaring at him, trying to uncover the emotions passing through his eyes but he glanced away from her.
"He's harmless enough."
"Yeah, when he's not chewing your ear off about something or another. That guy delivers lectures like it's his job."
"It kind of is." She got a disproving look from him that told her she was being too smart with him. Knowing this brought a tiny amount of warmth to her chilled body. She was also beginning to notice how her wet hair was making the back of her neck uncomfortably damp and cold. Gar made a noise halfway between frustration and concession.
"He doesn't always have to be such a dick about it though." It was Raven's turn to roll her eyes.
"Well maybe if you had a team to run you'd think differently." Suddenly it dawned on her that she was defending the guy who had just managed to royally piss her off. Gar scuffed his shoes around on the carpet, watching the lines they made with a distant look on his face. On most people, Raven would have interpreted this as shyness but on Gar it simply looked like boredom. Here she was standing in a cold hallway in a wet bathrobe, chatting with him and he had the nerve to look bored.
"Am I boring you?" Gar glanced up with a surprised expression on his face as if suddenly realizing she was still standing there.
"Naw, sorry. I was just thinking."
"That's a novel idea."
"Har, har. Like I haven't heard that one before." He was smiling at her now and suddenly Raven become conscious of the fact that she was standing before him in a frumpy robe with disheveled wet hair plastered to her head. It was ridiculous really that she should care about such a thing but despite her best attempts to dismiss the thought it continued to nag her. She crossed her arms nervously. She was unsettled to see his eyes follow the movement.
"You look clean."
"Yes, Gar. That is usually the goal of a shower. Your observational skills astound me."
He frowned at her, but it was not the frown of annoyance she expected.
"You also look cold. Your fingernails are blue." On second thought, she took back the quip about his observational skills.
"Yes, I'm beginning to doubt your comment about the ambush. I think you secretly meant to trap me here after my shower with meaningless conversation until I froze to death." He laughed at this and gave her a look which she dared not admit was connected to the sudden heart palpitations in her chest.
"You silly, silly thing." He chided. Raven bristled slightly at the act of being called "silly" but this was soon wiped from her attention as Gar's hand, his very, very warm hand, reached forward to wrap around hers. She watched in detached fascination as he fold it between his two palms, rubbing and massaging it lightly to help increase the circulation. She felt warmth, not only in her hand but in various other places on her body, mostly her face. And she secretly damned her pale complexion for, this she certain, turning a telltale pink. Gar, to his credit, kept his gaze on her hand and the task of returning her fingernails to their proper color. It was strange to Raven. This sensation of being taken care of. Not in any big way but just something small and simple like this. It was almost the same way a mother would care for a small child.
Raven was silent for a long while, caught between the desire to simply enjoy the sensation of his skin on hers but also plagued by a thrill of terror that streaked through her mind, urging her to reclaim her hand and walk away. Though he was doing an awfully good job at warming her up.
"Gar."
"Hmm?"
"Perhaps I should go get ready for dinner." The circular motions he was making against her palm ceased and she immediately missed it.
"You're much warmer now." He replied. Raven wasn't sure why he said that but despite how simple it sounded she felt that he had actually told her several things at once. It had also seemed an invitation for her to take back her hand but his hold was firm enough to prevent it. Anger, her faithful companion of many years, was the first emotion to greet her at this discovery.
"Gar." She said his name carefully so he wouldn't miss the note of warning. His glance moved from her hand to her face so that he was looking up at her from under dark eyebrows.
"Rae." The tone was gentle but uncharacteristically demanding. It managed to shock her for a split second and she could only hope that he hadn't seen the surprise on her face.
"I think you should go." She told him scowling.
"You weren't the only one who took a cold shower after practice today." He wasn't smiling as he told her this and perhaps that's why it sent a shiver through her like a lightning bolt. She watched his face carefully, trying to quell the feeling of insecurity that was starting to descend on her. No words came to her defense, nothing that would pull them out of whatever Gar had brought them into. And yet, everything right now seemed to be teetering on a thin point, all waiting for her response, for whatever slipped past her closed lips. She pursed them, nervous that her voice would betray her, that her body would shake free from the hold of her mind and act out on its own.
Then to her relief and her horror the tension in the air snapped. Suddenly a lot of things were happening very quickly.
She was pulled forward. Then there was the overwarming warmth and firmness of Gar's chest and it felt like she had dived into hot lava, but this was a fire which burned her from the inside out. While thoughts of an alarming nature raced through her mind, his hands were smoothing over the curves of her hips, finding the skin of her thighs right where her robe ended. All the while he was staring hard into her face, eyes almost black with intensity.
But it was his mouth which held her attention for those few seconds. She felt her mouth part and a slow breath escaped her lips. Once again the tidal wave of need crashed over her and once again the terror threatened to overwhelm her. But the sensation wasn't as alien to her now and Raven felt that if she could just hold on a moment longer… her eyes began to close. The hands slipped under the robe and not so surreptitiously came around to grip the flesh of her bare ass.
She yelped, aroused, angered and embarrassed by his actions. The sound of her hand hitting the side of his face made a nice clean sharp sound which echoed in the empty hallway. The expression of shock on his face which she had expected, never came. He looked dazed and confused and in that same period the hands on her ass disappeared.
Oh hell, the damage was done. She could barely think to move away from Gar when her mind was spinning this quickly. But louder than the incessant noise and panic in her brain, was the heavy pounding of her heart. Her palm smarted from her slap and she unclenched her fists which she hadn't even realized she had made. Without thinking she brought her hands up and pushed Gar away from her. His back hit the wall with a soft thud and she saw him wince. The events of the past few minutes seemed to catch up on him then. His eyes widened and in them she saw the fear and the shame and the regret. Just as suddenly, he dropped his gaze to the carpet.
There was a pause. Raven felt a scream trapped somewhere in her throat and a burning sensation behind her eyes. But right now they were both holding their breath, afraid of each passing second and what it might bring. Gar shifted and Raven looked up to see his gaze directed down the hallway. A noise caught her attention and she turned her head to see Starfire staring at them from further down the hall. Her hand was over her mouth and her large green eyes were flickering between her and Gar.
In that moment, Raven felt sick. There had been a witness to this disaster. How much had she seen? Surely she knew and understood what she had stumbled upon. And suddenly Raven found herself thinking "It's not fair. It's not fucking fair." And the mantra repeated itself over and over in her brain, gaining a dangerous momentum. It hadn't been what she wanted and that was the worst part for Raven. She could deal with handholding and flirty comments and the rest of Gar's harmless mischief. But this was something else and she hated it and she hated knowing that Starfire had seen it. Most of all, she hated how his hands had sent that white hot rush of electricity through her veins. The silent standoff between the three Titans was broken by the sound of a sob.
"Raven!" Starfire dropped her hand and glided forward. Uncontrollable gasps were coming from Raven's chest, as if her entire body was trying to wrench itself apart.
"Oh, no no no no…." She could hear Gar say.
"I think you need to leave now." Star's voice, polite as always, was laced with ice.
"Please, Star. I don't know what you saw but I promise-" Another loud sob surprised them all. There were tears too- tears, which were so strange to Raven, burning her eyes and clouding her vision. She felt out of control.
"Leave us." The command was absolute. After that, Gar disappeared.
She was led away and taken to Starfire's room. Raven sat down on the edge of the bed, still wondering about her tears and why she couldn't for the life of her stop trembling. She was ashamed of herself and felt bad for Starfire but her friend was mercifully silent. She settled on the bed behind Raven and Raven felt slim fingers thread their way through her hair. Starfire wordlessly began to brush back her damp tangled hair. She didn't ask any questions or create any fuss. And as the time passed, Raven's breathing slowed and her headache faded and she began to once again feel in control.
"Star?"
"Hmm?"
"Thank you." Starfire's arms came around Raven in a light embrace.
"Thank you." Raven heard her murmur. The arms disappeared and Starfire rose from the bed to put the brush away.
"What do I do now?" Raven asked softly. Starfire turned and looked at Raven pensively.
"I am very angry at Garfield for what he did." She said forcefully and her outrage made Raven stiffen.
"But I know he is not a bad person. I think he is only confused." Star acquiesced, though it seemed to Raven that it pained her to say it.
"I feel like it's my fault." Raven whispered. "Because of how I am."
"How you are?" Starfire looked perplexed. In a sweeping, graceful movement she sat herself at Raven's feet and took both Raven's hands in her own. It startled Raven, who was always caught off guard by the force of Star's emotions and the depth of her feelings. Every gesture and word from this girl was done and said with a passion for life. She made everything about her look beautiful in the way that she interacted with it.
"Raven, you are wonderful." Star asserted, giving both her pale hands a small squeeze.
"Gar knows this too which is why he is so madly in love with you."
"Star!" Raven instinctively jerked her hands away. She felt herself blushing again, though she was sure it was partly from anger. It seemed to her now that Starfire was the childish one here, turning this perverse disaster into a love story.
"You're being absurd. He's just playing with me for his own fun." Raven snapped. "It's cruel."
"That is the only way he knows how to be close to you. I did not say he was right to do so." Star seemed mostly unaffected by Raven's irritation. She smiled apologetically and clasped her hands in her lap, making Raven feel a twinge of regret for her outburst. They sat in silence for a moment as Raven thought over Starfire's words.
"It's a terrible way to show it."
"Do you wish for me to talk to him first?"
"No. I'd rather keep it between me and him."
"But you must promise not to ignore him. It is important that you talk."
Raven frowned at the thought of having to face Gar again. Starfire's eyes flashed in response.
"Raven, do not run away from this."
"It just doesn't seem fair…"
"We are not children anymore. Nothing is fair." This statement was far harsher than Raven expected and it caught her off guard. Starfire must have noticed her surprised look because she sighed and closed her eyes.
"Forgive me. I know that for both of us, life never really allowed us to be children." She opened her eyes and looked at Raven in such a way that she felt Star was looking into her. It almost brought goosebumps to her skin, staring into those penetrating green eyes.
"You must think me naïve." Starfire told her softly. "But my secret is that I must find beauty in this world in order for me not to hate it."
Raven could only stare. This was not something she would expect to hear from her friend.
"My past is not a happy one. I have done nothing to deserve the unspeakable things which have happened to me… which have been done to me." Her voice had dropped and become bitter.
"Just as you did not deserve your own hardship." She glanced up at Raven who tried not to betray how much she was unnerved by Star's seriousness.
"But I found that there were things in this universe that could make it bearable. I found friends who cared for me and protected me. A planet where I could live peacefully. A home where I could make a life of my own choosing. And those things are what give me hope and what make me forget my anger and my sadness a little more each day."
"Life is not fair. But we must find in it things which are worth living for." She blinked, as if surprised by her own words and laughed nervously.
"Listen to me- I sound like an old woman." Star tutted. Raven smiled to ease her own nervousness. She wanted to ask her more but dared not pry. Starfire had never really talked about what had happened to her before that day she arrived on Earth, bound in shackles and consumed with destructive rage. They all knew about her vengeful sister and the invasion of her home planet but Starfire kept her past locked up just as tightly as the rest of them. Raven suddenly felt guilty for not realizing this earlier- that maybe they really weren't so different and maybe they were both just trying to cope with their own terrible demons. She felt a sudden kinship with Star at the thought that maybe somebody else could see her as she saw herself. This idea brought an expected warmth to her cheeks.
"If you do, then it is because you are wise like one." Raven told her.
"I hope you are right." She smiled and patted Raven's knee as if to reassure them both.
"Come, let us do something about your wet hair before you catch a cold." She hopped to her dresser draw and began pulling out hairdryers and bows and a variety of colorful knickknacks and thingamajigs.
"We can play makeover like they do on the TV." She teased. And so Starfire went back to her usual cheerful self, sweeping the seriousness of the evening under the rug. But now, even through Star's bubbling laughter and rosy-cheeked smile, Raven could see there was a certain melancholy which had always been in her eyes.
Gar didn't come to dinner. Nobody raised any questions though Raven raised a lot of eyebrows when she excused herself halfway through dinner and offered to take a plate of pasta to Gar's room. She could have sworn she heard Starfire give a tiny squeak of happy surprise as she got up from her chair.
It was a rather bold move on Raven's part. And the reality of her decision all seemed to come crashing down on her with the force of an imploding supernova as she made her way down the hallway with the spaghetti held firmly in both hands. Twice she almost veered off down another hallway. She tried not to think about the way he had grabbed her butt, because she still wasn't sure if she wanted to talk to him or simply throw the plate of spaghetti straight into his lecherous face.
Then she was at his door and it was too late.
"Don't think," she told herself. "Just knock."
She watched her hand come up, slightly horrified and definitely sure that it was no longer part of her own body.
The sound of her knuckles on the door panel, echoed down the hallway. She waited, straining to hear any noise over the sound of her own heartbeat.
The silence stretched on for an eternity and Raven felt every second of time pass like a band aid being slowly pulled from her skin. She sighed feeling a twinge of annoyance as the climactic moment came and went. Her hand came up to knock again.
"I brought you dinner, you jerk," she yelled at the closed door. When the door whizzed open unexpectedly, Raven almost dumped the plate of spaghetti on the floor.
"No need to yell." Gar told her moodily. He stood rigidly at the door in a pair of comfortable looking jeans and a wrinkled shirt. His room was dark behind him although Raven could make out a messy bed, a pile of clothes on the floor and cluttered desk. She saw there were posters on the wall, though the room was in too much shadow for her to make them out. It had been at least a few years since she had seen the inside of his room despite the fact that he was always sneaking into hers.
"What? You want to come in?" His tone was more sarcastic than anything. Raven's eyes snapped back to his face and she felt herself blush.
"Just take your food, okay?" She told him, feeling embarrassed and annoyed by his bad mood. He didn't even look apologetic.
"Did Robin put you up to this?" He asked, mockingly. Raven's eyes widened in surprised.
"Since when did you become such an asshole?" He looked legitimately taken aback by her words, Raven thought. Gar scratched his head and gave a deep sigh. He looked up at her with a weary expression that betrayed some vulnerable side of him which Raven had only seen once before- that time he broke down and yelled at her in the hallway.
"I've made you cry twice now," he said sadly. "I guess I am an asshole."
Raven wasn't sure what to say at this. Was this his way of asking for forgiveness? She paused for a beat.
"Why are you hiding? Come out and eat with us." She held out his plate and he looked at it as if she were offering him poison.
"Or don't. Either way, feeling sorry for yourself won't fix anything." He opened his mouth as if to argue then seemed to reconsider. Instead, he shrugged and gave her a sheepish grin, a wordless apology. But there was still a melancholy look in his eyes which made Raven's chest tighten. And somehow, something within her wanted to forgive him.
"Geez, Raven. Since when did we switch places? I thought you were supposed to be the one locked up in your room." She smirked and dropped the plate which was only saved by Gar's quick reflexes.
"HEY! Do you know how hard it is to get spaghetti sauce out of the carpet!" But Raven was already making her way down the hallway.
"C'mon, loverboy." She called back at him. It wasn't long before she heard his quick footsteps.
Thanks for reading! Leave a review if you'd like. No promises sadly on when the next chapter will be out.