A/N: That's right, I actually finished chapter 10. Maybe one day I'll finish chapter 11, as well. And then 12! Anyway, here's to another great year. Cheers!
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
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Chapter Ten: The Beast
It's no coincidence that "love" is a four-letter word.
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"Good morning, sleepy-head!" I greeted Severus, bouncing on his bed.
Severus grabbed a pillow, put it on top of his head and rolled over with a low groan. He's usually quite the morning person, but I could tell that he wasn't looking forward to attending an engagement party at the Burrow. I guess I really couldn't blame him, but that didn't mean I was about to take pity on him and go it alone.
"Come on, time to get ready!" I snatched the pillow away from him and hit him in the face with it.
"Why must you constantly torture me?" he whined, pushing the covers off of himself but making no move to get out of bed.
"It won't be that bad. I mean, you seem to get along with Mr. Weasley alright, and Hermione Granger was one of your best students. Aside from me, of course," I added smugly, ignoring his snort. "And Ron Weasley... He... Well, you were both on the same side in the war."
"Your logic in such situations is, as always, indelible, Miss Page," was his adorable response.
"You must be in a bad mood if you're calling me 'Miss Page.' Well, the sooner you get out of bed, the sooner I can serve you some eggs." I slapped him on the rear and left him to get dressed. I still had plenty of preparations of my own to make! I just love parties, especially when the Weasleys are involved. It's always a huge affair, and with the twins around something's bound to go hilariously awry.
I was about to eat Severus' eggs for him when he finally made it to the kitchen table. He wasn't even fully dressed, had probably not showered, the big ball of grease, and looked like he'd just drank a Draught of Living Death. He better not have, I'm not going to that party alone! "I hate your cooking," he groused, sitting down at the table, picking up his fork, and prodding his fried eggs.
"I used three egg whites and one yolk," I tortured him, "since I know how sensitive your blood pressure is." Bringing up his health is always a surefire way to get to Severus, especially when it involves depriving him of food that's totally awful for him. Before I came onto the scene he probably only ate the yolks, that sick bastard.
"What a waste of eggs," he predictably replied, breaking his one yolk and dipping his whole wheat toast into it.
And I didn't even use real butter on it. I'm so evil. "If you'd quit complaining and just eat up, your meal would taste a whole lot better," I informed him. "And by the way, we have to meet up with Dad and his fucking ridiculous horde of roommates and freeloaders before the party." I was still a little grumpy about the whole... Living situation with Dad. I mean, really, Harry has his uncle's old house to go back to and there's plenty of room in Snape manor for Draco... All right, maybe I'm being a tad insensitive and selfish... But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had spent virtually no time this entire summer living alone with Severus. And he's a lot grumpier and more elusive when it's just the two of us. But, it's only been a day, so I suppose I shouldn't worry.
And another thing! I think Dad's purposely surrounding himself with more and more people in order to reduce my chances of getting him alone to question him about his and his family's horrific shady pasts! I may just have to go back to that devil house, after all.
And another thing! My paycheck was tiny. Miniscule, really. I may do absolutely nothing at my job, but I am sacrificing time that I could spend writing or touching butts with Severus.
"You're fuming," Severus observed, oh so helpfully.
"I'll fume all I want!" I was washing the pans and getting water all over the tiles, but the kitchen floor needed a quick rinse anyway.
"Why are you scrubbing those pans? I never see you use magic," he went on, in a more severe tone. "Magic isn't something you can just stop doing."
"Like I have any good use for it!" I shot back. "I don't know any cleaning spells! I'm horrible at magic anyway, I should have just grown up a muggle!" What can I say? I was in a difficult mood.
"You were pretty cheerful just a minute ago," he replied sourly. "I don't have to sit here and deal with your irritating mood swings."
"What would happen if I stopped using magic, anyway? It'll just go back to the way I was when I was a kid, and I made shit float every once in a while. Big deal!"
"Magical buildup drives most people insane." Severus walked up to the sink and pointedly dropped his dirty plate right on top of the pan I was washing. "And I don't think you should be treating such a consequence so flippantly, with your family history." He swooped out of the room, not giving me a chance to reply. How the hell does he swoop when he's in pajamas, anyway!?
Wait just one hot second- had he just showed concern? For ME? No way. There was no way that Severus Snape could actually be showing any kind of concern for my well-being. It must have just been that he thought if I went insane then I'd just be even more annoying, and he'd be stuck with me no matter what. But still...
And then those comments! "Magical buildup drives most people insane," and "with your family history..." He knew I was fuming, and of course he was quite aware of what I was fuming about. Dad's past, those experiments, his so-called illness... It couldn't possibly be that Severus had dropped me a hint, whether meaning to or not? Or he could have been talking about Laszlo being insane.
Still, it seemed like too much of a coincidence... Magical buildup... People had always said that Dad was pretty shoddy with a wand... Maybe I was reading too much into things. I do tend to jump to conclusions pretty quickly. Like a... Jump to conclusions doormat. Could Dad have stopped using magic at some point? Or maybe those experiments were studying magical buildup? Maybe the reason his wand work was bad was because... His magic was blocked, somehow?
"How long is it going to take you to wash a single pan?"
I jumped about three feet into the air when Severus barged into the kitchen and interrupted my deep, deep thought. It was his fault I was so out of it to begin with! "Six months!" I snapped. "Now go get ready!"
"I am ready," he growled.
"Did you take a shower?" I growled back.
"Put that damn pan down and go get dressed!" Obviously, he had not taken a shower. Of course.
"You'd better not be smelly!" I warned as I dropped the still-dirty pan into the sink and turned around to glare at him.
Of course, he was wearing the same stuffy black robes he always wears, day in and day out, no matter what the weather may be like. And he had his arms crossed and was giving me a look of consternation from behind a curtain of his unwashed hair. "I used a scouring charm," he replied. "And for your information, harpy, I showered last night."
I rolled my eyes, then headed upstairs to get ready for the party. Honestly, Severus can be such a pain in the ass, it's almost not even worth living with him, sometimes. I showered and dressed as quickly as possible, hoping that Severus would take the time to at least rinse the grease out of his hair (yeah right), and made sure that I had everything I might need in my handbag. Once I was absolutely sure that I had everything in proper order, I headed downstairs.
"SEVERUS! I'M READY, LET'S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" I find that it's most effective to simply scream at Severus and wait for him to respond.
Sure enough, he appeared in the entrance hall, grumbling about my unholy screeching or something like that, and we were off to Dad and Remus and Harry and Draco's apartment. God, I liked it so much better when it was just Dad and Remus' apartment. We didn't really talk during the walk there- Severus was glaring at me the whole time, though, for some inexplicable reason. This was explained to me once we had already arrived at Dad's door.
"We could have apparated here," he huffed. "You know, with magic."
"Shut up," I replied as Dad swung the door open.
"Well hello," he greeted creepily, letting us into his apartment of horrors.
Remus was sitting at the kitchen table, ready to go and sipping at a cup of tea, as usual. "Good morning." He nodded toward us, looking rather serene.
While I bid Remus a good morn, I noticed Dad leaning over and whispering something in Severus' ear out of the corner of my eye.
"AUGH!" Severus returned, rather loudly. "YOU'RE FILTHY!"
Dad just laughed.
"You're finally here!" Draco came flouncing out of the bathroom, dressed in his usual posh, expensive-looking robes. This set happened to be a fetching shade of bronze. "Nadia, I need help with my hair- lord knows the three slovenly hags I'm currently shacked up with can't do a thing to aid me."
"Draco, you are by far THE gayest thing on the planet."
"I agree," I agreed with Remus.
"Oh, shut it, the both of you," Draco dismissed, grabbing me by the wrist and dragging me into the bathroom, where Harry was... Crawling around in the tub.
"Hi, Harry." I watched him peer down the drain, noticing that he wasn't wearing glasses. "Lost a contact?"
"No," he huffed as Draco rummaged through the medicine cabinet. "Malfoy shrunk my glasses and threw them into the tub. I think they've fallen down the drain."
"Now why would you do something like that?" I asked Draco, feeling rather like the mommy in the situation- of course, that had always been the case whenever I'd been around Harry and Draco in the past, I don't know why I thought it might change.
"Har- Potter was annoying me," he grumbled back, shoving a mountain of hair products into my arms. "Cute dress, by the way."
"Thanks." I'd noticed the slip-up; Harry and Draco had been spending a lot of time together, from what I'd been hearing. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they had somehow miraculously become friends. "So what is it, exactly, that I'm supposed to be doing to your hair?"
"I need your help with this." He pointed to the top of his head, where the infamous "Malfoy cowlick" was currently residing. It seemed a lot bigger than it had been the night before.
"Quit being such a poof," Harry muttered, blindly groping his way out of the bathroom.
Draco gave him a sound kick in the rear as he left. "Honestly, he has an extra pair of those horrid glasses. I don't see why he even keeps them in the first place, the things look like they came out of a rubbish bin."
I shrugged. "Sentimental value? Turn around."
Draco turned to face the mirror, making faces in it. "Augh, I look horrendous." He had a point, actually. He was a bit paler than usual, which was much more apparent next to Harry's healthy tan, and had dark circles under his eyes. Also, his nose was rather red and irritated looking.
"You must be getting a cold," I informed him, sorting through the assorted hair crap he'd given me. I chucked half of it, since it was old, grody looking hair gel- the kind he probably used to plaster his hair down with.
"How? It's the summer, it's never cold in summer." He wet his fingertips underneath the faucet and smoothed out his eyebrows, then inspected his face again. "Urgh," was his conclusion.
"Looks like you haven't been getting much sleep; overwork lowers your immune system a lot more than cold weather will." I settled on a hair cream, one that apparently tamed frizzy and wavy hair.
"Sorry, Mum." He watched as I assaulted his head with the stuff. "Is that all you're using?"
"I did your hair for you all through fifth year and you still don't trust me?"
"I haven't trusted you since that time you punched me in the face," he sniffed indignantly. "Apparently by 'accident.'"
"When are you going to let that go? I was young and foolish, dammit!" I gave a little tug to his hair, just to make it clear that I didn't appreciate the subject being brought up.
"Or what about when you clubbed me with a gigantic rock?"
"That was a pebble," I reminded him.
"It was a boulder! I mean, really, I don't see or hear from you for months and all of a sudden you're chucking gigantic chunks of sediment at me!"
I pushed all of Draco's hair forward and left it like that.
"Hey!" He desperately tried to smooth it down while I crossed my arms and glared at his reflection in the mirror.
"Sorry for not keeping in touch, alright?" I took pity on Draco and helped him fix his hair, sighing to myself. "You know, a lot happened."
"Yeah, I was there." He rolled his eyes at me via mirror, and I resisted the urge to punch him in the back of the head. "I guess I shouldn't be so hard on you."
"Damn straight! You sure as hell never wrote me!" Alright, so I was making the switch over from contrition to accusation pretty quickly, but... Whatever.
"Ooh, sorry, guess I was busy with the whole dead parents deal," he shot back sarcastically.
"Yeah, your face is sorry." I finally put the finishing touches on his hairdo. "There, now it looks almost as good as mine."
"Bitch, please. There will never come a day when you look more fabulous than me." He checked himself in the mirror, frowning.
"WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!" Harry shouted from the kitchen.
"THEN QUIT STUFFING YOUR FACE, FATTY!" Draco yelled back.
"Charming," I commented. Honestly, those two are totally butt buddies now. "So when are you gonna get gay married and have babies?"
"Ew, sometimes you can be totally disgusting."
"You know that's why you hang out with me in the first place."
"No, the reason I started hanging out with you was because you could talk my way out of anything." He sighed, rubbing at his eyes. "Like that time you convinced Professor Flitwick not to give me detention just by explaining the principles of the proper usage of punctuation."
"Oh man, what was that, my fourth year?" I checked my makeup in the mirror, just to make sure I wasn't sweating it all over the place. "I don't even know how you've functioned so far without me."
"Are you two queens ready yet?" Dad stuck his head in the doorway and waggled his eyebrows at us. "If you don't hurry up, it'll be a baby shower by the time we get there." Then he pranced off.
"Honestly," Draco huffed as we exited the bathroom. "He's just excited about what Weasel's reaction will be to me and your manwhore showing up at his doorstep."
"Oh, I'm sure Ronald will get over it," I dismissed.
So, from there we traveled by portkey to the hills just a little ways away from the Burrow (ugh, portkeys) and walked the rest of the way, which Draco complained about non-stop. Five minutes of walking. And he complained the entire five minutes. Right up until the moment we arrived at the door.
"...And I don't know if you lot saw it, but I think we may have just tramped through some feces of unidentifiable origin, and if any of you have gotten it on your shoes I will not go near you- I mean, I think I smell it, check your shoes, I smell the poopoo-"
"Shut up already," Harry grumbled.
"You knock on the door, Harry, you're the favorite," I ordered him.
"Oh, you guys are such-"
Dad and I interrupted him by knocking on the door and shoving him to the front of our horrendous group of freaks. Yes, in unison. Guhh.
"Ah, Harry!" Mr. Weasley answered the door, smiling. Needless to say, his cheerful disposition didn't last long after he saw Draco, Severus, and Dad. "Oh, ah, hello... Everyone."
"Not to worry, Arthur," Dad replied in a very inappropriately valiant tone. "We've brought gifts!"
"Ah, yes, come in."
I was hoping that Mr. Weasley would freak out and punch Dad in the face or something, but no such luck. Instead, he just led us into the backyard, where the party was BUMPIN'. Nah, I'm kidding. Nobody I know bumps. Yet.
I scanned the crowd for Ginny, but instead got a face full of twin. And of course Severus had mysteriously disappeared from my side, because it's just way too much to ask for him to hang out with me at a party I brought him too.
"Away!" I tried to fend them off with the sign of the cross, but unfortunately they're not as undead as I had anticipated.
"That's harsh, that is," George sighed.
"What did you get our little Ronnie?" Fred asked. "Can we look inside?"
"No you can't," I snapped back. "Because I'm cheap!"
Fred gasped, swooned, and George caught him.
I saw Draco over by the snack table and made a beeline for him before the twins could recover from their joke. Sure, I like them and their insane antics, but I can only actually take them in small doses. "What're you eating, fatty?"
"For your information," Draco sniffed, "I am grabbing a glass of water. Which has no calories, unlike your gigantic ass." He daintily sipped at his water after that, and I burst out laughing, except tried to hold it in, so I ended up spitting all over his face.
"I hate you," Draco grumbled as he tried to wipe himself off with a napkin and threw his water away.
"I think we should find the happy couple and offer our congratulations." I was itching to see the drama that would ensue from our guests. "Did you even bring a gift?"
"Nathanyel made me."
"I hadn't pegged him for proper etiquette." I grabbed a handful of some incredibly delectable looking caramel corn, then a handful of Draco, and ran off in search of "Ronnie." As it were.
We didn't have to look far- Dad had accosted them, the poor things, and of course Severus was with him, looming over Hermione (Ron's too tall to loom over, haha) like a freaking vampire with the blues.
"The cavalry has arrived!" I announced with as much gusto as possible. "And Draco!"
"You brought Malfoy with you, too!?" Ron seemed upset, for some mysterious reason.
Why must I love the social torture of others so? "Don't look at me," I replied innocently. "I brought Severus."
"What the hell!?"
"Ron," Hermione tried to be discreet about her scolding, "they're right here."
"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize that Malfoy and Snape are right here!"
"So, you two met in school, did you?" Dad was prattling on like a deaf idiot, which he is. "So did my Nadia and her lover," he indicated Severus.
"I'm leaving," Severus announced in a huff the moment Dad's hand twitched toward him, and swooped off. He probably ran off to go hide in the shadows and steal other people's food as they passed by.
"Wait a minute, what?" Hermione looked incredibly confused.
"Oh, gross, I thought Ginny was just kidding about that!" Ron's reaction was better, seeing as it was more disgusted-sounding.
"Go on, tell the story," Dad prompted. Dammit! It just figures that I get my desire to torture others from my dad.
"Um." I glanced at Draco, who shrugged. "I tortured him both physically and mentally until he caved?"
"Ah, it gets me every time!" Dad actually wiped a tear from his eye, the freak.
"Dad... You're an ass."
"You and Snape?" Hermione repeated.
"I don't know what your problem is, honestly," Ron started what was to obviously become a rant. "I mean, it's Snape. Snape. Does he even have genitals? No, don't answer that. What the hell? He's such a slimy, self-serving-"
"Nadia!" Ginny came running over to us, interrupting Ron. "What's going on here?"
"Ron's just telling me a bunch of stuff about Severus I already know from experience," I replied flippantly.
"Oh, Ronald," Ginny dismissed, much in the way one would dismiss a five-year-old who had just declared the existence of magic. Haha. "If you lot don't mind, I'd like to steal Nadia here for a moment." She grabbed my arm and was about to drag me off when Draco said the unthinkable.
"Hold on!" he declared gayly. "You can't just leave me here with the Boob-Ass, the Weasel, and the Mudblood!"
Oooooooh, ouch, it was painful to just listen to. And of course, it was followed by that heavy, heavy silence. I seriously thought Draco had broken that whole bigotry habit, but I guess when you grow up saying a word...
"What did you just say, Malfoy?" Ron ground out.
Draco blinked, staring blankly back at Ron, and I could tell that he didn't even realize he'd made a horrible racial slur against the bride-to-be. Ouch, faux-pas. "I said your fiancee's a dirty Mud-"
That was as far as he got before Ron tackled him. Well, at least they had the good sense to ditch the magic and go for a good old-fashioned hoedown.
"This is so entrancing," I stated as I watched Ron choke Draco.
"Augh, where the hell did Mum go?" Ginny replied.
Dad sidled up to me as Draco landed a crotch-shot and managed to get the upper-hand. "I'm thinking of joining in," he informed me.
"Oh, you'll just ruin it." I took a few steps back as the epic struggled rolled closer to me.
It was just getting good (Ron and Draco were punching each other repeatedly in the face) when all of a sudden, for no good reason, a flash of light and a loud bang sent them flying in opposite directions.
"For the love of God!" Severus only brings God into the equation when's he's really put off. "Do I have to break up your fights for the rest of your life, Weasley? Was that why I was even brought to this party?" He stepped into the space where Draco and Ron had previously been wrastlin'.
"WHAT!" Ron roared. Yes, it was a statement, not a question. "DID YOU EVEN HEAR WHAT THAT STUCK UP GIT SAID!?"
"No," Severus replied firmly. I LOVE HIM. Ahem. "Come, Draco, I'll get rid of that bloody nose." And thus he swooped off with Draco, which looked extremely gay, and left me once again without my date by my side.
"UNBELIEVABLE!" was Ron's response.
"Would you stop shouting, already?" Ginny snapped at him.
"Ginny's right," Hermione admitted reluctantly, helping Ron up to his feet. "Don't worry, I can get rid of those bruises."
"Man," I commented, "I wish Severus would choke a gay man for me."
"Who knows," Ginny muttered. "Maybe he already has."
"Oh, sweet optimism! Say, where're Luna and Colin? They were invited, weren't they?"
"Ah, they haven't shown their treacherous faces yet. I'm sure they'll get here soon- Colin's never too late for dessert." Ginny sighed, looking around at the milling party-goers. "Have you even tried to find people other than Snape to talk to?"
"I talked to Draco. And the twins." Somehow, I didn't think either of those answers would count in Ginny's mind.
"That man is turning you into an anti-social recluse, just like he is."
"And your mum is turning you into a nag, just like she is," I replied.
"No, that would be Charlie's doing." She looked pointedly toward a large concentration of party guests, all discussing something quite jovially.
Personally, I wanted to go see the hilarity of Severus trying to fix up Draco's wounds, but apparently that wasn't going to happen. "Alright, alright, I'll run on over to the party guests and do some social networking, as long as it means you'll stop acting like such a mother."
"Wait a minute-"
"Too late!" With that, I was off to go storm that crowd of guffawers with all my might. Wish me luck, my dear ancestors!
While we're on that subject, you know that feeling you get when you step directly into a conversation that is completely over your head? Yeah, that was pretty much how things went.
Charlie was leading a conversation about the magical properties of something having to do with dragons, I really couldn't follow. In fact, I stopped listening after about five seconds. I looked around to see if there was anyone else I recognized, and somehow Harry seemed to be following the subject pretty well. I saw Bill, with the same glazed over expression I was probably projecting, but he had it easy, he could just walk away at any given moment. I, on the other hand, had very publicly entered the debate, and I knew it was going to bite me in the ass.
"...Would you say so?" Some girl who looked twelve turned to me and asked. Obviously, I had no idea what I was supposed to say so about.
"Uh... Yes." When in doubt, just agree with whoever happens to be talking.
"Oh really?" she replied in a really condescending tone.
I noticed that everyone was sort of... Paying attention to me. "Yes, really," I answered back in my best impression of Severus. "Why shouldn't I say so, if you'd care to say so yourself... So."
"Well Morton's Third Principle of magical circulation clearly states otherwise." What the hell was this bitch talking about?
"Oh, Morton you say?" I was totally getting into acting like I knew what I was debating. "Morton's so-called 'principles' are clearly unproven theories, and if you ask me they happen to be the unproven theories of an unwashed baboon."
The girl looked affronted, but didn't say anything in reply. Everyone else was staring at me like they expected me to say something else.
"Furthermore," I deigned to add, "you're ugly." Then I walked away. Hey, I say that it's better to just quit while you're ahead. In most cases. Besides, you can't really stay in a discussion when you've called one of your fellow debaters ugly. It's just bad etiquette.
Although, I guess I shouldn't have called her ugly to begin with. Oh well! I wandered back to the table full of food and surveyed the crowd. I also grabbed a martini while I was at it. Maybe Ginny was right and Severus really was turning me into a horrible recluse. Still, there had to be someone I could socialize with in that yard. I figured the best place to start would be to go back to Ron and Hermione for an apology... Seeing as how it was their party and Dad and I kind of almost ruined it just for laughs.
I walked over as casually as possible, trying not to look like I just didn't want to move outside my comfort zone. "Heeeyyyyyy there," was my eloquent intro. "Just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you got a gay beat-down and a proper scolding. It's sort of partly my fault, so, um apologies and all."
They both stared at me, not saying a word. Well, while the silent treatment is pretty effective, I'd say it's a rather immature tactic. However, Ron broke the silence pretty quickly.
"Snape!?" He flailed his arms in the air. "You brought Snape to my engagement party!?"
"But he's my manwhore. Who else am I supposed to bring?"
"I dunno, what about that kid Colin?"
"Ugh, you know it is like the most pathetic thing in the world to bring your ex to a social event, right?"
Ron glared at me.
"Uhm, apology accepted," Hermione chimed in. "I'm not angry, really. I mean, you can't help who you fall in love with, believe me."
"Hey!" Oh, Ronald.
"And it would be unfair of us--" here she gave a stern look to her fiancee-- "to tell you not to bring him with you. After all, you two are living together, so it must be getting serious."
"Er, yeah, very serious. All sincere and stuff." I fiddled with my martini. "So is there anyone from the olden days back when we were youngin's in school who's here that I might want to see?"
They both gave me weird looks, but Hermione answered the question. "Well, uh, Neville's over by the garden." She pointed right at him and his badassitude. It was radiating from him like the bouquet of a fine wine. MY GOD.
"NEVILLE I NEED YOUUUU!!!" I screamed as loudly as possible. "You guys go mingle, and congratulations!" I told the happy couple as I galloped off.
Neville had heard my desperate cry and was frozen in the haze of social awkwardness that only someone from my family could produce. "Uh, hello."
"Awwww, don't be so formal!" I punched him in the arm and finished off my martini. "Shaken, not stirred, am I right?"
"Huh?" He was desperately seeking a way to escape the conversation, I could tell.
"So how're you doing these days, anyway? Still chopping the heads off of shit?"
"No, I'm a herbologist. I, uh, chop the leaves off of plants. Occasionally." He downed the drink he was holding and looked over my shoulder; I think he was trying to catch someone's eye.
"Oh really, how fascinating. You know what else is fascinating? I'm with Snape now."
He choked a little on his own spit. "I think I just vomited into my mouth." Or not spit. "Are you serious?"
"Absolutely. I live with him in his creepy old mansion and we bicker like an old couple."
"That was less explicit than I was expecting."
"That's just because I really like this dress and I don't want you vomiting all over it. ANYWAY." Time to get to the point! "Are you single in any way shape or form?"
"Yeah, I am." He adjusted the collar of his robes. "...Why?"
"Oh, just wondering." MWAHAHAHAHAHA. "How come you don't have some hottie all over you? You're a catch! You're dependable, you chop the heads off of shit, you have a nice butt--"
"Thanks, but I'm not really that good at dating."
"Workaholic?"
"Kind of." He seemed to be getting increasingly uncomfortable.
"But you want to date, right?"
"Uh, listen, not to be rude or anything, but I'm not into freaky stuff or swinging or whatever-"
"Oh, you!" I punched him in the arm again. "I was only asking because I have another friend of equally single status, and I suspect the two of you would just hit it off!"
"What kind of friend, exactly?" He looked relieved.
"She's a squib, actually. A cynical artist who simply needs the right man to teach her the true meaning of love. Right now she works at an apothecary, but she's got a gallery opening coming up at the end of August and she needs a gentleman to escort her. Her name's Margaret, she lives in Hogsmeade."
"Oh." He seemed to be on the fence.
"It's amazing that the two of us became friends, really," I continued, seeking to seal the deal. "I mean, we have absolutely nothing in common. The two of us are like night and day!"
"Well, I, uh, am going to be in Hogsmeade on business..."
Desperate singletons, seek no further, for Nadia Page has arrived!
"Oh, really? GREAT. Why don't you meet me next Tuesday at the Three Broomsticks around noonish for lunch. Oh you are just fabulous, I know you two will adore each other. Toodles!" I bounced away before any protests befell my ears. After pulling something as momentous as getting a blind date for Margaret, I needed to whet my whistle, so I headed in the direction of another martini.
"There you are!" Ginny was headed straight for me, and I knew she had more nagging on her mind, but there was no way to avoid her. "Nadia," She accosted me, pulling me over to the rancid cake Fred and George had brought as an engagement present, thereby securing our privacy.
"What is it?" I was already finishing off the second martini. "No hope for this being a discussion about boys and hair, is it?" I asked plaintively.
"No, it's..." I followed her gaze to where Severus was being his normal sulky little bitch self, brooding in some shadow or whatnot. Gods, what a party pooper.
"Yeah, I thought so." I nodded, watching her look back and forth from him to me and back again. "What about the big galoot? He didn't ruin the party yet, did he? I wouldn't want to miss it."
"It has nothing to do with the party," she snapped, looking and sounding an awful lot like her mum. It was pretty scary, actually. "Are you really insane enough to actually be serious about Snape?"
"Well, that all depends on what you mean. Personally, I think he's serious enough for the both of us." I was getting pretty uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going.
"Alright, I'm not going to stand here and bullshit all day- I know you too well for that. What I mean is, when all this started," she waved her hands around in the air, which pretty much could have indicated her entire back yard, "I thought you were just going along for a lark. Even when you shacked up with Snape, I figured, you know- you liked him alright, wanted a little piece for yourself and all, and you know I was fairly alright with it-"
"Your point being?" I prodded, getting ready for an assault that only a woman of Ginny's family could make.
"You actually want to date the man and- I don't know what else, probably get married and have his babies!"
"Well, that would be the eventual goal," I sighed, exasperated.
"You can't be serious."
"If this is going to turn into a lecture about Severus being a slimy git who's twice my age, I'd rather just eat a piece of Fred and George's mystery cake." I knew that my reluctance to discuss the issue wasn't going to even slow her down.
"You and I both know that being an old slimy git is just Snape's general personality, and I wouldn't be bothering you so much if that was the main issue." Ginny leveled a very sincere gaze at me, and I couldn't bring myself to run off screaming into the crowd.
"Fine. So why, then, are you chewing my ear off?"
"He doesn't seem to..." She paused, furrowing her brow. "I mean, not to sound insensitive, but he doesn't seem to care much about you... Or at all, really. He doesn't even seem to enjoy your company."
"Oh, that's just Severus," I dismissed, watching him scowl fiercely at anyone who came within five feet of him.
"But haven't you noticed anything off about the way he treats you, or talks to you, or acts around you, or even talks about you? Other than him being a regular old slimy git, I mean."
"Nothing in particular," I replied nonchalantly. Well, aside from him openly declaring his dislike for me, I think that's going a bit far, but I wasn't about to say anything to Ginny.
"Nadia, you need to get a grip! Snape is better tempered to his Gryffindor students, and that's really saying something. Don't even try to tell me he's not always like that, either, because I've stayed with you at that house and he is always like that. He- he treats you like a maid, ignores or avoids you when he doesn't want sex or food, puts you down all the time-"
"Yeah, that's normal for us," I interrupted her, casually examining my fingernails. "He makes up for it with the sex."
"That's my point! And you know you care about more than sex, think about it! You've gotten used to the way he treats you, that doesn't mean it's good for you." She actually looked worried. "I'd say you've got too much sense for this kind of thing, but you don't really have good taste in men to being with."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I growled, obviously prickling at her insinuation.
"Sorry," she quickly replied. "But let me just tell you this one last thing- maybe then you'll see what I'm talking about."
"Go on." I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes.
"Snape never ever calls you by name, not even when he's talking about you to someone else."
I blinked, surprised by her allegations. "That can't be true. He's called me by name before- like the day we left Hogwarts."
"Oh, sorry, forgot about his careful seduction- have you heard your name out of his mouth since? And 'Miss Page' doesn't count." Ginny was getting quite sassy, and all I really wanted to do was enjoy the party.
But when I thought about it, really thought about it, I couldn't remember a single time after that one day that he'd called me by name. Not even during sex! "Well, I'm sure there are times I can't remember."
"Uhuh," she shot back. "He calls you 'The Beast,' 'Harpy,' 'Nathanyel's demonic spawn,' and occasionally 'Parasite.' And I'm sure he's got plenty of other pet names for you, too, and the worst part is that he does it so much, everyone knows he's talking about you!"
"That's... That can't be right." I glanced at Severus, whose frown was probably touching the grass by then. "He must say my name some time! I mean, my dad-"
"Doesn't make a difference, I've heard him call you names to your dad, too."
"Well, I'm sure there's a reason," I huffed, put off that she'd actually made a point.
"Yeah, maybe he thinks if he doesn't call you by name he won't have to think of you as a person," she remarked snidely, glaring at Severus.
"Ginny, I know you're just trying to be a good friend, but I was under the impression that today might be the one day in my entire summer that didn't involve either a fight or a life-changing realization. Do you think we could just discontinue the conversation for now?" I looked her straight in the eye, one of Ginny's few weaknesses, and she backed down.
"Fine." She threw her hands up in surrender, looking about as exasperated with me as Severus usually is. "But you have to promise me that you'll think about what I said."
"Oh, I'll think about it alright," I replied. After all, she had made a point with the whole name thing- and I wasn't really in a generous enough mood to let that slide. If it was indeed true, that is. Perhaps I'd try to get him to say my name during the party- it certainly wasn't a bad idea.
I skulked off, scanning the crowd. It wasn't long before I found who I was looking for; after all, he was the gayest thing at the party. "DRACO!"
"Away, wench!"
"I need your help."
"What is it?" He was grooming himself, using his reflection in a spoon as a reference point.
"I wanna see if I can get Severus to actually say my name."
"Not going to happen, not even in a million years," he replied flatly.
"Oh, come on." I tugged on his sleeve like a three-year-old. "Please? Please please please please please?"
"Fine, but we won't succeed." He threw the spoon over his shoulder, hitting another party guest in the head with it. "I don't see how I'm supposed to help you, anyway."
"Moral support!" I replied insistently.
"Like the moral support you gave me when my parents died, right."
"Shut the hell up and let's go!" I grabbed Draco and dragged him over to where Severus was standing, trying my best to make it look like Draco was the one leading. Unfortunately, Severus probably isn't that stupid. "Why hello there, Severus, my dearest love," I greeted casually.
"Yeah, hi," he grunted.
"You know, Severus, I was just talking to Draco and I just think it is so sweet how you helped fix him up, Severus." I punched Draco in the arm to get him to say something.
"Ow," he whined, rubbing at where I punched him. Good enough.
Severus raised an eyebrow and stared at me for a moment. "Am I... In trouble?"
"Of course not!" I chortled "Severus." I punched Draco again, hoping it would elicit some more stimulating conversation than "ow".
"That's it," Draco spat, "you're on your on." He then stomped gayly off into the crowd.
I watched him go, dragging my security blanket along with him. "Well, then." It was at that moment that I was struck by a simply marvelous idea. "That's it!" I shouted aloud.
Severus jumped a little, then took a step back from me. "Are you drunk?"
"Introduce me to some people you know!" I ordered immediately. If Severus were introducing me to somebody who'd never met me before, he would have to say my name. There was no avoiding it!
"...Alright," he agreed reluctantly, scanning the the milling crowd of people, all giving the two of us a very wide berth. Finally, he apparently recognized someone. "Mr. Harris!" he called out, sounding more like he was going to scold someone than make idle conversation.
A completely unremarkable looking man with wavy brown hair froze in his tracks, staring back at us with wide eyes as we approached in our own unique way. "Professor Snape!" He didn't sound happy.
Severus loomed darkly over him. "Ah, if it isn't Timothy Harris. Still sharp as a broom handle, are you?"
Timothy Harris was practically cowering.
"I suppose introduction are in order," he snarled, gesturing toward me. "This is the leech who is slowly bleeding me dry. Leech, this is a bumbling idiot of Longbottom magnitude. Have at it." With that, he swooped away.
Alas, I had failed. "Sorry about that, Timmy, nice to meet you." I chased after Severus, completely ignoring the terrified grown man who was ready to faint. "Waitaminute!" I could've sworn I could hear him groan.
"What is it now?" He turned around with a grimace planted firmly on his face.
"Introduce me to someone else!" I tugged on Severus' arm, dragging him in the direction of a group of older witches and wizards. "You must know one of them!"
"What is wrong with you?" He tried to resist me, but, as in most cases, he failed.
"Well, if it isn't Severus Snape," some woman in inappropriately formal attire remarked snidely.
"Oh, you two know each other?" I jumped in, elbowing Severus. "Introduce us!"
"This is Loretta Hopkirk," he sighed. "She used to be a whore. Loretta, this is the vulture who is currently circling over me."
"Well!" Loretta didn't seem impressed. In fact, she completely stormed off.
I forced Severus to introduce me to three more people, but he did the same thing every time. I needed to regroup and come up with a new plan. It would appear that I would have to go crawling back to Ginny.
It wasn't difficult to break away from Severus and find Ginny, mostly because Severus was trying to get away from me and Ginny was trying to find me. We met up near the back door to the house, where she was greeting some guests.
"Colin! Luna!" I ran up to the three of them, waving my arms in the air like I just didn't care. We all shared a super gay group hug, and then I spilled my guts about the name thing. Who better to help me in my quest than the original S.S.?
"You could just dump him," Colin offered, probably because he still hated Severus for some reason.
"Or you could have a heartfelt talk with him, really get to the root of the problem and come to a deeper understanding of each other," Luna added.
We all stared at her a moment, then shook our heads. "Naahhhhh."
"I just don't know," Ginny sighed. "I mean, short of getting him drunk, you really have no more options."
"You're a genius!" I grabbed Ginny by the shoulders and shook her. "I just have to get Severus drunk!"
"I wasn't being serious!" she snapped, pulling away. "And don't shake me!"
"It's the perfect plan, though. You guys all have to help me, we can spike his drinks for the next few hours, and once he gets tipsy he'll let his guard down. Then he'll be ripe for the picking!" I rubbed my hands together, laughing maniacally, but nobody joined in. After a while, I stopped. "What's wrong, guys?"
Colin was the first to speak up. "I don't know how to put this, Nadia, but..."
"You're crazy," Luna finished for him.
"I don't get," I informed them. I really didn't, actually. "A couple of months ago you guys would've helped me pull off a crazy plan like this! Hell, weren't we just playing pranks on Severus and being all... Carefree and stuff? What's the deal?"
"This isn't some prank," Ginny said. "This is your relationship, and your life we're talking about. We're here to support you, and hey, give us a call whenever you need to make Snape's life hell, but... You should be able to face this problem without a crazy scheme or a half-baked prank."
I stared at them, and Colin and Luna nodded in agreement. "Well, fine then!" I grabbed another martini out of Bill's hand as he passed by and downed it, then threw the glass on the ground. It didn't break dramatically like I hoped it would, seeing as the grass cushioned its landing. "I'll do it on my own!" I turned around, stumbled a little bit, and headed for the drinks table. Luckily for me, Severus was already standing there. "Aha!" I shouted, pointing at him.
"What now?" He scowled at me, sidling away from the table.
I grabbed a martini, drank it, then threw the glass down again. "Have a drink!" It still didn't break.
"You really are drunk, aren't you?" He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. "Wonderful."
"I challenge you to have a drink!" I challenged. "It's a men's challenge!" I grabbed another martini and held it up to his face, giving him my most challenging look.
He delicately plucked the martini glass from my hand and placed it back on the table. "I should probably take you home before you actually do break something. And just my luck, too, I was hoping another fight would break out..."
"You dare decline a men's challenge!?" I seethed. Then I remembered that the whole point of the plot was subtlety. "Okay, then. Have this non-alcoholic drink here!"
"That's still a martini," he sighed, grabbing my arm. "As much as I would like to see you ruin this engagement party, anything you do to embarrass yourself would also be an embarrassment to me. Now come along."
"But the party's just getting started!" I held up the martini glass to him. "Hey, wait, it's empty now."
"Because you drank it," he snapped.
"OH!" I tossed the glass over my shoulder, and it hit an innocent bystander in the head.
"Ow," I thought I heard him say. "First a spoon and now this."
Severus physically dragged me into the house, and even though I fell once he didn't stop. "I'll ask Weasley for something you get you back on your feet long enough to make it to the portkey, and then we're out of here."
"What about Dad and Draco and Harry and Remus?" I asked, marveling at how it was possible to feel weightless and heavy as lead at the same time.
"They can actually apparate," he spat. "Excuse me," he then accosted Mrs. Weasley, acting remarkably polite. "Buffoon Jr. had a bit too much to drink--"
"Here you go," she interrupted, producing a vial from a pocket in her dress. "I always know to be prepared at one of these parties. Nadia, I hope you feel better dear." She bustled off after that, probably to do some more damage control.
"Here." Severus shoved the vial into my hands and watched as I drank it.
"D'you hope I feel better?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows. "Severus?"
"The effects of this potion should hit you in a couple of minutes, though it'll only last about half an hour. Now, let's go." He once again physically dragged me away, but by the time we were out of the Burrow I had sobered up quite a bit and was able to walk on my own.
It was a disappointing feeling, to say the least. I was sulking all the way to the portkey that would take us home and I could tell that Severus knew I was sulking, because when he knows I'm in a bad mood he gets... Well, I guess "hesitant" would be the word for it. Or maybe "cautious." In any case, I was pissed that Ginny seemed to be right about the name thing, and I was determined to let him know, even if he wasn't exactly sure what I was pissed about.
"You know," he commented as we approached the portkey, "I've been thinking, today."
"What a feat," I replied drily. "Would you like a reward?"
He stopped walking and glared at me, that tick in his jaw going off. He was pissing me off so much that I couldn't even bring myself to find it attractive. "Obviously, you are too much of an ungrateful, tactless child to listen to me. And since that is the case, your father can take care of you, because I certainly won't."
"Fine, what is it?" I sighed, getting the hint.
"I was thinking of your lack of enthusiasm toward using magic- when was the last time you cast a spell, even?"
I blinked, taken aback. He was really, genuinely concerned about me? That was certainly something new. "Umm... When Ginny, Luna, and Colin were over, I think. No, wait, I may have apparated one or two times since then."
"I see." The tick in his jaw was still going. "And it never occurred to you that perhaps you should be using magic?"
I shrugged. "I haven't really had an occasion to." It was true. I knew that most witches and wizards used magic in their day-to-day lives and chores, and in their jobs and such, but I had never really seen fit to. I work at a crappy little apothecary, and I want to write for a living- and I really don't see a reason to use magic for things that I could do just as well by muggle methods. I mean, it seems lazy to me, and I don't really want to be any lazier than I already am. I guess I'd always just seen magic as something to be used for travel, or for defense... Or some sort of exceptional situation, like trying to clean up after Uncle Kristo. Although, he was surprisingly cleanly as a house guest.
"Well, I'm giving you occasions to use magic, and you'd damn well better do as I say."
I crossed my arms and pouted, but didn't interrupt him.
"You'll be my assistant."
My mouth nearly dropped open at that. "Your potions assistant?"
"What else would you assist me with?" he snarled.
I just stared at him, dumbfounded. I never thought that, even in a million years, even if it was a matter of life and death, that Severus would allow me anywhere near his potions lab. I mean, I had seen it... But getting permission is a completely different story!
"You'll be starting tomorrow." He was actually going to spend time with me! Quality time, not just eating or having sex or complaining about my writing. "I expect absolute discipline from my assistants, I'll have you know. Most don't last more than a month." Hey, it's better than Dad's track record- most of his apprentices don't last a week.
"Okay then," I managed to get out my throat, though barely. I was already planning the dirty sexy hijinks that would ensue from the arrangement.
"And don't think it's going to be all dirty sexy hijinks, either."
"Awww man."
He rolled his eyes, but I thought I noticed his expression soften a little. "Well... Maybe a little bit."
I grinned, grabbing his ass. So what if he didn't say my name at one stupid party? Working as lab partners was going to bring us closer than ever, and I was looking forward to it.
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A/N: DEAR GOD! At this rate I may be able to finish this fic up by the time flying cars are invents. *Crosses fingers.* I know the updates are insanely infrequent, but this is something I write for laughs in my spare time, and being a workaholic doesn't leave much of that. I'll be graduating college soon and thus unemployed, though, so maybe I'll have more time for fanfiction. Anyway, ONWARD.