Chapter 14 - Never-ending Suffering

Dreams can be strange. Sometimes they can be idiotic and so unbelievable, beyond all rational thought. And when you wake up you'll say 'that was ridiculous' or something along those lines and then go about your day. Other times, the whole experience can feel so real, as if you've lived a whole other lifetime inside a dream. But then you wake up and realise that it was all just a fantasy.

Those are the type of dreams that stick with you, the ones that make you question what is real and what isn't.

During his time as a beast, he had several dreams about becoming human again, that he finally woke up from this nightmare. But then he truly woke up, and realised that he was still trapped in this living hell.

Beast had become more fearful of himself and what he was truly capable of after he killed that boar while he was asleep. So much so that he was afraid of going to bed altogether. Sadly, he did need rest, so giving up on sleep wasn't an option.

Instead, he fashioned a rope made out of his old clothes and spare bed sheets, that he could tie himself to the bed frame with. It was unlikely that it would be able to restrain him, but he didn't have anything else to tie himself down with. It just helped him to rest easy, knowing he was at least somewhat secure.

He never did end up having another dream like the one he had that same night he killed the boar. He was still utterly convinced that it was a premonition of what was to become of him. It was only a matter of time before it became his reality.

But beside that, he didn't have any dreams like that again, nor did he end up running out of the castle in the middle of the night to catch and kill any unsuspecting creatures. So he eventually stopped tying himself to the bed frame and luckily enough, nothing happened when he let his guard down.

The wounds he had sustained healed. They bothered him for quite a few days, but eventually the pain went away.

That was some time ago now. How long exactly he did not know, and he couldn't be bothered to ask Cogsworth. He didn't care all that much anyway.

Today started like any other. He left his room and went downstairs for breakfast. Mrs Potts came wheeling over on her trolley to offer him tea. Or at least, that's what she should have done, as that was the routine, but instead she had something to say.

The situation seemed awfully familiar. The last time she had wanted to tell him something he had a breakdown at his mother's grave... The same grave that now lie in ruin... That he could never visit again. He hoped she had better news this time around.

"It's your birthday today." She told him.

Beast was in the middle of eating a bowel of porridge using only his mouth, his entire face almost completely submerged in it.

"Is that so?" He replied through a mouthful of porridge. He had no idea. He didn't know what day it was, nor the month or year.

He recalled her telling him about his birthday a couple of times before. However, he had lost track of the exact amount.

"Yes." She responded. "Would you like to do anything this year?" She asked.

He swallowed and wiped his mouth on his arm, leaving a trail of sticky, white porridge in his fur. "You ask me that every year, and every time I say no. What makes you think this year will be any different?" He questioned.

"Well, I just feel like I should ask in case you ever change your mind." She replied.

He started licking the porridge off his fur. He wasn't very focused on the conversation anymore, in fact he hadn't been in the first place. As far as he was concerned it was over.

"You're thirty four this year." She informed him.

He paused and retracted his tongue, turning his head to look at her fully instead of just glancing at her through the corner of his eye. "Wait, how old was I when all of this started?" He asked. He couldn't remember exactly, but he had to have been at least twenty or something. Why couldn't he remember clearly?

"You were twenty four." She answered.

"What?" He blurted out in surprise.

"Twenty four." Mrs Potts repeated for him.

"I heard you, I just-" He stopped mid sentence and stared down at his plate, and then at his fur covered arm. "Has it really been that long?" He breathed in disbelief.

Ten years. He had been stuck like this for ten years. It was hard to take that in, he couldn't fully accept it. How could the transformation feel just like it was yesterday and yet feel like it was so long ago simultaneously?

"I'm afraid so." She responded, even though he had been talking more to himself than her.

"I don't feel any older." He stated, rubbing his neck with his paw.

"Most people don't feel any different on their birthday, but after a while you start to notice some changes." Mrs Potts explained.

"No, I mean... I don't think I am any older." Beast replied. "I haven't aged a day ever since I was changed into this... thing." He said, gesturing at his grotesque body. "Technically, yes, I am thirty four, that's how long I have been on this earth. But physically... I'm exactly the same as I was the day I was transformed. And it doesn't matter how old I am, I could be a hundred and I'll still look exactly the same. I'm going to be stuck like this for all time... Because I can't die from old age." He murmured sadly, his tone of voice clearly showing he was upset. He was utterly devastated. "When you're all gone, I'll still be here... When the castle crumbles and becomes a pile of rubble, I'll still be standing... Alone and forgotten."

Mrs Potts was silent. She seemed moved by his words. She finally spoke after a moment of silence. "I'm sorry, Master. I wish there was something I could do to make it better-"

"You can't." He interrupted her "There's nothing you can do or say to make me feel better."

She sighed sadly. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You have a habit of doing that anyway." He responded scornfully "Maybe next time keep your mouth shut, then you won't have to worry about upsetting me." He growled.

He pushed his empty plates away and stood up from his chair "I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring up my birthday again."

It wasn't a request. He didn't want her to mention it ever again.

"I'm going back to my room. See to it that no one bothers me."

And with those grudge-filled words, he left the dining room and walked back upstairs to his living quarters.

Now that he thought about it, there wasn't anything he had celebrated over the past few years. Not his birthday, not Christmas, not New Year's... Nothing like that. No wonder he didn't remember how many years it had been, he didn't have anything to remind him.

As he entered his room and shut the door behind him, and essentially shutting out everyone and everything as well, he began to remember just how special of an occasion his birthday used to be.

When his mother was still around, every year they'd have a ballroom dance. It wasn't ever that big of a party, all the servants would be there, and they'd bring along their family members from the neighbouring village, much to his father's disgust.

But after she was gone, the parties got wilder. Every year, the guest list would get longer, with so many upper class, rich people that he didn't even know. The party would be grander, the cake would be bigger, with so many layers. It was because his father was in charge of throwing the party, he wanted the very best for his son. Or to make himself look good. It was probably the latter.

It had gotten to the point where his birthday had become a holiday in itself.

Despite so many parties that always seemed to be better than the last, his favourite birthday celebration was actually rather simple.

It had been his eighth birthday. His father was away, on the other side of the country, and hadn't been able to make it back in time. The young prince had been disappointed, so his mother suggested that they'd go out for a picnic in the garden, just the two of them. He cheered up almost straight away.

He and his mother had sat close to one of the water features, alongside a row of blue wild indigo, on a freshly trimmed patch of grass.

They sipped freshly squeezed orange juice and stuffed their mouths with sandwiches and sweet, delicious pieces of chocolate cake.

His mother's skin and golden locks seemed to glow and shimmer that sunny day.

Beast smiled as he recalled her laughing when he got chocolate on his nose and couldn't get it off. He then recalled that they played in the fountain, splashing each other with water.

But that smile faded when he remembered that he'd never have another birthday like that again. Not with her.

He'd do anything to spend another day with her, just doing something simple like that.

He supposed that it didn't really matter. Whether she was here or not, there was no point celebrating his birthday. Not when he didn't age, not when he couldn't grow any older. It was pointless.

He doubted that he'd be in a mood to celebrate even if he could age.

He wondered what would happen if he turned back. Would his human form have aged?

It was unlikely.

Even still, ten years of his life was gone. That was quite a large chunk he'd never be able to get back. The outside world was forever changing, moving on without him, leaving him alone in the dust, stuck in this endless state of being.

His train of thought was interrupted when the door opened. The visitor didn't even bother to knock, which was rather grating.

"Greetings, master!" Lumiere exclaimed with delight as he entered. He sounded especially cheerful, more so than usual. Beast wasn't sure how he managed to remain so happy.

"What do you want, Lumiere?" He asked gruffly. Why could the servants never leave him in peace?

"Cogsworth and I were wondering if you would like to play a game of chess with us." The candlestick responded.

"Is this about my birthday?" Beast questioned, his brow furrowing.

"What? No, of course not!"

Lumiere had always been a terrible liar.

"I'm not stupid, Lumiere. I know you're just trying to cheer me up." He responded coldly. "After all, you've never invited me before, but on the one day that I'm particularly down, you suddenly want to socialise with me. Don't you think that seems a bit suspicious?"

Lumiere was quiet for a moment. "Alright, so maybe this is about your birthday." He admitted.

Beast grunted and turned away. He wasn't surprised in the slightest.

"But it doesn't have to be! Why don't we just have a nice, quiet game of chess, with no mention of your birthday whatsoever?" He suggested. "Come on, master, you used to love to play chess! In fact you always used to beat me."

"That was because you always let me win." Beast replied.

"That's not true! You were just much more skilled than me."

"Skilled enough to win every single game against you?" He questioned "Nobody is that perfect. You let me win because you were worried I'd get angry." He stated. "I always was a sore loser."

"Well, how about this time I don't hold back? Then we'll be equally matched." Lumiere suggested.

"So you admit that you were holding back all of those other times?"

Lumiere was quiet for a moment. "... You got me there."

"Look Lumiere, I really don't want to play chess with you. I don't want to do anything right now. I just want to go back to bed and think about nothing and wait for today to be over." Beast told him.

The candlestick stared silently for a few seconds "Can I be honest with you, master?" He requested permission to speak freely.

"If you like."

"I'm worried about you. We're all worried about you. We feel like we've lost you in some shape or form. I know you're in a dark place and you wouldn't expect me to understand how you must feel, but... You could try to help me understand. I want to understand."

After standing with his back to him for quite a while, Beast turned round to face him. "You want to know how I feel?" He questioned "I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can feel my anger bubbling away inside of me, ready to boil over at any moment. Anything can set me off, no matter how minor it is. It's like it has become apart of my personality. And I am trying SO hard to act like the person I once was but I can't... Because I'm not him anymore." Beast then drew closer to Lumiere "The person you used to play chess with, the person that always used to tell you and Plumette to keep off of each other... He's still in here somewhere." He told him, clawing at his own chest "I know that you all barely recognise me, by the way I look and the way I behave... And frankly I don't blame you. But most of all... I feel less human, now more than ever."

Lumiere stared up at him, and then smiled "See, wasn't that good, that you could finally get that off your chest?"

"I... I don't know." Beast replied.

"You know what would make you feel more human? If you played a game of chess with me. It'll be like the good old days."

Beast sighed "You don't give up easily, do you?" He questioned. "Fine, I'll play one game with you if you'll stop bothering me." He grumbled.

"That's the spirit!" Lumiere exclaimed. "Come on, let's get going! There's no time like the present!" He said, dashing out of the room.

Beast rolled his eyes and followed after. The chess board was set up on the landing overlooking the front entrance.

Cogsworth was there, making sure that everything was in order, one of the hands on his clock face taking the form of a monocle.

"Ah, master! So nice of you to join us!" Cogsworth greeted. "How did you manage to get him down here?" He whispered to Lumiere.

"There are some secrets I can never tell."

"...You just got lucky, didn't you?"

"I can hear you, you know." Beast interrupted. He couldn't believe they didn't figure that out when he was standing right in front of them.

Cogsworth laughed nervously "I'd keep a watchful eye on Lumiere if I were you, master. He cheats."

"I don't. You're just not as good at chess compared to me." Lumiere protested.

"Preposterous!"

Beast glanced back and forth between the two as they argued. "Can't we just get on with the game?" He intervened.

"Of course, master! Right away!" Cogsworth responded. He sounded fluster. Was he worried about Beast getting angry and lashing out? "I'll be your adjudicator, keeping an eye out funny business." He declared, glaring at Lumiere.

Beast sat down on a stool in front of the chess board. The stool creaked under his weight, but managed to support him. Lumiere had to stand on a stack of books placed on his stool in order to reach.

And so, the game was underway. It was a rather slow one, as Lumiere took his time. It wasn't that he was overthinking it, but that he was struggling to move the pieces.

After a while of silence and simply moving the pieces Lumiere spoke up. "You know what would make this so much easier?"

Beast didn't answer, he just nudged one of his knights forwards.

"If I had hands." Lumiere stated.

"It's amazing that you haven't set the pieces on fire." Cogsworth commented.

"I do have self control, Cogsworth." He retorted.

Beast's shoulder sagged. He had no self control. He knew that Lumiere wasn't trying to insult him... But it still shattered his already broken confidence.

"That's one of the things I miss, having hands. It's little things like that you take for granted." He stated, before nudging one of his pieces. "What do you miss, Cogsworth?"

"I miss having hands too. And legs. And not constantly ticking." The mantle clock replied.

"When we become human again, I look forward to getting all of that back. As well as my bodacious, charming looks and being able to touch Plumette again. Once I'm able to hold her in my arms, I'll never let her go."

"If we become human again." Beast muttered, his lack of hope emerging. It was clear as day that he didn't believe they'd ever break the curse.

"What do you miss, master?" Lumiere asked.

Beast was quiet for a moment. "There are a lot of things I miss. I could go on forever. But I'll spare you and refrain from going on a tangent." He responded, before moving another chess piece. "Checkmate." He declared. He had Lumiere's King boxed in, with no way to escape.

"Bravo! Good show, master!" The candle stick congratulated him. "Was that game satisfying enough for you?" He asked.

"You seemed to be putting effort into this one so... I suppose." Beast replied, rising from the stool.

"I told you that you were better than me at chess!"

"I guess you were right." Beast agreed, although he still didn't believe it. Lumiere must have let him win somehow. He nodded to both of them "Thank you, for the game." He said, before departing and heading back up to his room.

He wasn't alone very long though, as Mrs Potts arrived shortly after he had entered.

"Hello master." She greeted.

"What now?" He asked.

"I brought you up some cake." She stated, gesturing with a tilt of her teapot body at a large, brown cake. "Chocolate, your favourite."

Beast stared at it for a few seconds and then glanced back at her. "I know it's not much, but... Well, I thought I might treat you." She continued. "I know you don't want to... I'm not even going to say the 'b' word, but I thought you could just think of it as a special dessert."

"I'm not really that hungry." He replied, turning away.

"Oh." She responded.

A silence washed over them. Beast quietly stared out of the hole in the balcony wall, at the gently falling snow.

The quiet atmosphere was short lived. "Did you enjoy your chess game?" She asked.

Was she the one that had initially suggested that Lumiere should play a game with him? Perhaps. He decided not to ask.

"Yes." He answered simply.

"That's good." She responded. "I heard you talking about things you miss and it got me thinking..."

"About what?" He asked.

"About my husband. I miss him. Chip misses him." She told him. "I'd do anything to see him again."

Beast turned to look at her "You could, if you wanted." He replied. He then walked over to the pedestal and picked up the enchanted mirror. "Just ask, and it will show him to you."

There was a glint of pure joy in Mrs Potts eyes as she quickly approached "I'd like to see Mr Potts!"

Beast watched Mrs Potts' face, as the only thing he could see was the back of the mirror. The joy in her eyes began to fade. "Oh, that's right... He doesn't remember me." She whispered sadly, looking away from the image of her husband.

Beast turned the mirror around and looked at Mr Potts. He was tending to his donkey, stroking its ears and feeding it oats. He then glanced at Mrs Potts, who looked saddened, on the brink of tears in fact. She probably expected to see him grieving, missing her and his son. "But he's not with anyone." Beast commented.

The teapot met his gaze as he continued. "Look at him." He said, holding the mirror up to her again "He may not remember you, but perhaps deep down he knows that something in his life is missing. And he's waiting for it to return. He's waiting for you to come back to him."

Mrs Potts smiled as Beast lowered the mirror and placed it back on the pedestal. "Thank you." She said gratefully. "There is good in you, master."

He glanced back at her "I wish I could believe you but... I can't."

"You may not believe it, but I do. And I want to thank you, for not giving up. There were so many times that you could have ended it all but you're still here... After ten long years. Without you, we'd have no hope of breaking the curse."

"I'm too much of a coward to take my own life." Beast responded dismissively.

"You're not a coward... You're brave. It takes a lot of courage to keep going in such dark times."

"If you say so." He murmured. He then walked over and picked up the cake she had offered him. He scooped up a chunk with his fingers and began eating it.

"I thought you weren't hungry." She commented.

"I'm not. But I thought I'd have some, to show that I appreciate you putting up with me for so long."

Mrs Potts smiled "Well, I'll leave you to enjoy your cake." She said, and took her leave.

Beast brushed the cake crumbs off his paws and walked over to the edge of the balcony. He rested his arm on the wall and stared outside at the fading sunlight. He must have been playing chess for a lot longer than he thought.

At least his birthday was almost over. Tomorrow would be another day. Another day of his meaningless existence. He pushed himself off the wall and plodded over to the rose. He stared at it silently and touched the case with his claws.

Ten long years. It certainly hadn't been easy getting through it. Some days were harder than others. He hadn't been able to get out of bed on many occasions. Sometimes he felt like crying, but never did let out his emotions.

He lowered his paw and sighed. He had changed a lot since the transformation. His anger had become apart of his personality... Not to mention he had given into a few animal like tendencies.

He had also lost sight of the reason he was being punished. He mostly just blamed the rose for all of this, as he was only turned into a beast when he refused it. After watching so many petals fall... After watching his time to change his fate slip away, solely blaming all of his transgressions on the rose was bound to happen eventually.

How much longer would he have to wait before all of the petals fell? If he was going to spend the rest of his life as this monster, doomed to be trapped in this castle alone and forgotten, couldn't he just get it over with already?

He was so tired of waiting for the inevitable.

He didn't want to see the servants die. He didn't want to see them become inanimate objects, to end up being surrounded by what would essentially be their corpses.

But at the same time, he just wanted it to end. He'd rather see them die, rather than stand around and watch as they slowly died, day by day.

That's what it boiled down to, that's why he stayed away from them so much. Not because he'd prefer to be alone or because they annoyed them... But because by having less interactions, less memories of them... Losing them would be less painful.

He couldn't bear to make connections with them, to hold such strong bonds when he knew that he was going to have to see watch them die. Lumiere, Cogsworth, Mrs Potts, Plumette, and so many others... They all had names, they all had people they cared about, they all had hopes and dreams. But eventually they were going to become the object they inhabited the body of and nothing more.

The rose was running out of petals to lose. Soon, his time would be up.

But... Despite that he wanted it to be over, that he wanted it all to end...

He didn't want to be left alone.

A/N - Final chapter before the plot of the movie! Thanks for sticking with me, it's been a wild ride. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that you are looking forward to what I have in store for you!