Chapter 27 - Equally Hurting Inside

Home.

That's how she referred to it. Home. The word seemed foreign to him, especially when using it to describe his castle. For the longest time, whilst being stuck in his beast form, it had felt more like a prison than a home. There was nowhere else in the world that he could go where he wouldn't be deemed a monster. Even though he was ensuring his safety by remaining there, he still felt trapped, both in his mind and body.

And yet she called it home. His prison, the place where he was constantly reminded of what he was and had no means of escaping it. Her prison, where she was being kept against her will. There was no sugar coating that, even if they had bonded over time. They were both prisoners. But if she thought of it as home in some light then... Maybe he could too.

Beast and Belle found themselves in the library once more. After being in that cramped attic of the windmill which had been Belle's childhood home, the castle felt even larger than it had before. The attic had been small for him, as he was rather tall and big, in fact he had almost banged his head on the ceiling a few times, not to mention his horns had scrapped against it at least once. He couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for a family of three to live there when he could barely fit inside. It made him appreciate what he had more.

But that didn't matter now. What truly mattered was how Belle felt. Mere moments ago she had learnt of her mother's death, and he wanted to be there to comfort her, in any way he could. He glanced down at her, only to realise that he was still holding her hand, while her other hand was still touching the enchanted book. She removed her hand from the book and pulled away from him. Her hand slipped through his fingers as she turned and moved away. He saw more tears glistening in his eyes as she spun around.

She put her hand to her mouth, to stop herself from choking out a sob. He watched her silently as she trembled and shook. He slowly approached her, taking light, careful steps, as to not scare her. He lifted his paw and reached out to touch her, but hesitated briefly. He was still unsure if he would be any help, or if he would just make it worse. After all, what support could he really offer, what comfort would she be able to find in him when he looked like a monster?

Beast started to lower his arm, but stopped himself and pushed his feelings of doubt to the back of his mind. She was used to him now, she wasn't afraid anymore. He gently placed his paw on Belle's shoulder, though he did not realise until he made contact that his paw would cover the majority of it and that his fingers would spill over onto her upper arm, making the whole gesture seem rather sloppy. He cursed his wretched body.

He considered giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze, but decided not to, as he feared he would end up digging his claws into her flesh by mistake. "I'm sorry about what happened to your mother." He said in the most comforting tone he could muster with the low growl that erupted from his throat and his usual booming voice. "If I had known that you would have seen that, I wouldn't have suggested using the book. I'm sorry you had to find out like that."

Belle sniffled softly and moved her hand away from her mouth. She turned slightly in order to face him, but his paw still remained on her shoulder. "No, I'm glad you showed it to me. I've waited so long to learn the truth about her." She responded. "For so long, I thought it was somehow my fault, that I had caused it, and that's why Papa was always so quiet about it. That she might have died giving birth to me, but now I know... That it wasn't down to me. Now I finally understand why Papa kept it from me, he only wanted it what was best for me, to protect me." She pulled the baby rattle out from behind her back and held it up to him. "You made all of this possible, you held the key to my past. I have to thank you for that."

Beast gave her a ghost of a smile "...You're welcome" He replied, though he was uncertain if he should be saying that. He wasn't really sure what to say in this situation, as he wasn't normally a comforter. He hoped that he was coming off as sincere.

She let out a shaky sigh, tucking the baby rattle into her pouch for safe keeping "I just wish I had been able to get to know her... I wish she could have been apart of my life."

"I wish my mother was here too... Maybe if she was things would have turned out differently." He murmured. He thought that the best way to comfort her would be to show her that he understood what she was going through, that she wasn't alone in her suffering. It was about time he shared it to her, as he had been holding back on telling her about his mother for a while. "She died when I was very young. But the servants must have already told you about that." He wasn't assuming, he knew. He hadn't been asleep when they were discussing the curse and his parents a few days earlier, after the wolf attack.

Belle nodded silently.

"I thought they might have. My personal business isn't exactly private with them."

"They didn't mean any harm by it. They just wanted me to understand why you are the way you are. They all have your best interests in mind, and they all really care about you." She told him.

"I know they do. I'd just prefer it if they wouldn't talk about me like that when I'm in the same room."

"You were awake." She muttered. He assumed that she was remembering the same event he was thinking of.

"No one falls asleep that quickly." He replied wittily.

She smiled at his dry sense of humour, but that smile quickly faded. She was quiet for a moment, like she was holding back on saying something. She avoided making eye contact as she spoke up "How did your mother die?" That was not an easy question to ask.

Beast let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyelids briefly. "She was gravely ill." He replied, opening his eyes once more and looking at her directly "With what I'm not entirely sure. My father refused to go into detail. The less I knew the better, so that I wouldn't kick up a fuss." He explained. He paused for a moment "I didn't even get to say goodbye."

Belle gave him a sorrowful look as he continued "I was only a boy when I lost her. She was so fragile, so pale in her final days. I still had hope that she would recover, that she'd pull through somehow. I wanted to be by her side for as long as possible but... My father carted me away before she had passed. He took me to his country estate, away from my mother, away from the servants, isolating me so that he could mould me into the son he wanted me to be. To be just like him."

He left out the detail that he was a prince and that his father had wanted to train him up for the day when he'd eventually become King. One reason for doing so was that he didn't feel much like a prince, not when he was a beast. He didn't think he was worthy of that title, not in the current state he was in. He hadn't even thought of calling himself by his own name in a long time, as he didn't think he was worthy of that either.

His other reason was that he couldn't let Belle know who he truly was. If she were to break the curse, which he highly doubted as he had lost hope a long time ago, she would have to love him for who he was, not the idea of falling in love with a prince.

"By the time I returned, she was dead and buried. My father never took me to see her grave. I wasn't even allowed to mourn her death. That showed weakness, something he didn't want me to have. Once we came back here, the servants weren't allowed to speak to me unless it was for trivial things. I had no one to confine in, no one to comfort me. The only person I could talk to was my father, but I couldn't bring up my mother around him. It was almost as if he wanted me to pretend that she never existed. So I had no choice but to do what was expected of me. And after years of being disciplined by my father, being taught how to do everything his way... He got what he wanted. I turned out just like him." He finished.

Beast felt ashamed. He still often wondered what had happened to that innocent boy that he had once been. Was there anything left of the person he could have been? Or had that person been smothered by his controlling father? He looked down at his paw for a moment and an image of his own monstrous face flashed through his mind. Was this creature the result of everything his father had done? Was this what his father had wanted? Or was he just a failure of a prince, as a human being, as well as a son? He remembered his father calling him a failure countless times, amongst other things. Weak, pathetic... The list was endless. It hurt to think about it.

He was snapped out of his trance when he felt something touch his paw. His bright blue eyes landed on Belle's hand, which was now placed on top of the paw that was still resting on her shoulder. Her touch was soft, comforting. She had touched his paw before, when helping him get to know Philippe, but this... This was different. It was special. He couldn't remember the last time someone had made physical contact with him in this way, even before he had been a beast.

Belle gently ran her thumb along the fur on the back of his paw "Your father sounds like a cruel man. But you... You're nothing like him. He's not here anymore, so what does it matter. You should be allowed to be who you are, not who you're father wanted you to be. You should be allowed to grieve."

Her words touched him on so many levels. She didn't know anything about his father apart from what he had just told her... And yet she made a judgement, she saw something in him, something good, something better than what he thought he was.

"I've had time to grieve. There isn't much else you can do when you're alone in a place like this. I stay out of the servants way as... Well, I'm just a walking reminder of their failures. They feel like they failed me and my mother by allowing my father to do what he did, when there wasn't much they could do anyway. So I've had a lot of time by myself to think about her and make up for all those years when I wasn't allowed to mourn."

He came to the sudden realisation that he had turned the conversation about Belle's mother into a conversation about himself. He had opened up to her and in turn taken away from the time she had needed to think about what she had learned. "I'm so sorry, Belle, I didn't mean to make this conversation all about me, I just wanted to make you feel better and-"

"It's fine." She cut him off "Really, it's fine. It was good not to think about it for a while and- well, this is the first time I've been able to learn a bit about you without having to hear it from someone else."

"Well, if you ever want to talk about your mother then, you can always- if you want to that is-"

"I'll speak to you." She finished his sentence for him.

She moved her hand away from his paw and he removed it from her shoulder. He feared that he had left it there too long, the whole situation felt awkward. Belle turned away for a few seconds, as if there was something else she wanted to say. "Can I ask you something?" She questioned. She didn't seem like she wanted to pry too deeply, and whatever it was she wanted to know must have been a touchy subject.

"Of course." He replied without hesitation.

"You haven't always been a beast, have you?" She asked. "You were human once. How long has it been since the curse was put on you?"

Beast took a minute before he answered. Should he tell her about the man he had once been? He didn't exactly associate himself with that person any more. His life before seemed unreal, a distant memory, he had become detached from it. That young, handsome, selfish, uncaring prince that had once stared back at him in the mirror felt more like a ghost to him now, rather than himself.

"I was human once, yes." He finally answered her. "How much time has passed since then I cannot tell you for certain. There's night and day here, but it's always snowing, so I don't know when the seasons change. Last time I checked, it had been around ten years, maybe more. I just know that it's been a very long time. If you asked me to tell you what I looked like before, I don't think I'd be able to. I suppose I've wilfully forgotten what I used to look like, as it wouldn't do me much good to remember. I've tried to avoid looking at myself, but sometimes that can't be helped. I've caught glimpses of my reflection, of what I look like now... Sometimes I see myself in your eyes."

He quickly realised that he had admitted to staring into her eyes. He scolded himself for being such an idiot. He hoped she wouldn't think about that sentence too hard and continued "I've had long hard looks before too, to try and find some sort of resemblance to my former self but I've never been able to find one, except maybe my eyes. After a while, when I think of myself, the image in my head... Is that of the monster you see before you."

"You're not a monster." Belle stated. She sounded like she meant it.

"I wish that were true but... I am. Sometimes I wonder what my mother would think if she were here now, if she saw me like this. She'd be so disappointed. My father too."

Why did he still care what his father thought of him? Perhaps after constantly seeking approval and praise from him, he just couldn't help feeling insecure about what his father thought, even if he was long gone.

"You shouldn't torture yourself about it. I don't exactly know what happened for the enchantress to curse you but... Well, I think the person your father made you into is what got you into this mess."

"I'm not blameless. My father wasn't there that day, he wasn't there for a long time. I could have chosen to be different, I could have chosen to ignore everything he taught me but I didn't. I became something much worse than him and because of that... The enchantress saw everything that was corrupt, and cruel, and twisted about me and changed my appearance to match the ugliness within me." He explained.

"I didn't say it wasn't your fault. But that's in the past now, you're not like that anymore. There's something good and kind within you, I've seen that. You shouldn't hide it and act like the beast that everyone sees you as." Belle replied.

"I've tried, but it's so hard. I can barely remember what it feels like to be human, and when I look like this-" he proceeded to gesture at himself "-I wonder what's the point of trying to be anything else. Because this is all I am, this is what I've become... A beast."

"There's more to you than just being a beast." She responded.

He was touched. She really believed every word that she breathed, and she wanted him to believe it too. Knowing that she could see passed his hideous exterior and could see some good, kind nature hidden beneath all that fur filled him with hope. Maybe there was some truth to what Lumiere had being saying about her being 'the one', though he still hated that phrase.

"You'd be one of the first to think that about me." He admitted.

He had thought for a long time that if he ever opened up to her about his mother, that it might have made him feel worse. But in actuality... It felt good. He had finally gotten everything off his chest, and it was just a huge relief. Maybe he should have let her in sooner.

"Well, like I said the other day, after you looked at my drawing of you, you're really not that ugly." She told him. "At first glance, maybe, but once I started to get to know you better, and now that I've gotten to know you as a whole... You're actually quite beautiful." She turned her head away. "At least, that's what I think."

Beast was stunned into silence. He didn't think anyone would ever call him 'beautiful' and yet she had just uttered that word. He had no idea what to say.

Belle smiled at him and how utterly speechless he was. He probably had a really stupid look on his face as he was completely dumbstruck. She reached out to him, taking hold of his large paw in both hands "Come on, I want to show you something." She said, leading him out of the library.

They went at quite a fast pace, almost breaking into a run, as she dragged him over to the ballroom. They paused in front of the closed doors and Belle looked up at him. "Do you want to look at it from here?" She asked him.

He was quiet for a few seconds and then shook his head. "No, let's go in." He responded. Even if he had been reluctant to go in that room before, he felt like he could now, after opening up to Belle about his past. If she was with him, he felt like he could do anything. Belle took one hand off his paw and pushed the doors open. He was completely awestruck by what he saw as soon as they entered.

The once dark, deserted, run down ballroom had been returned to its former glory. The windows were clean and sparkling, allowing moonlight into the room, giving it a bright, silver glow, and bathing every surface in natural light. The chandeliers were hanging from the ceiling instead of resting on floor, and the candles were burning brightly, each tiny flame providing the far corners of the room with light. It looked similar to how it had been since he had last laid eyes on it, perhaps even better.

Beast couldn't remember the last time he had been in the ballroom. He had held a sort of animosity towards that place, as it was the room where he had met the enchantress... Where the curse had been placed on him... Where he had been turned into a beast.

But seeing it now, every inch of it glistening in the moonlight, it reminded him of how much he loved to dance, rather than the painful experience he had gone through.

"Do you like it?" She asked curiously.

"Like it?" He questioned. "I love it!" He exclaimed. "It looks incredible. How did you manage to do all of this?"

She chuckled "Well, I had quite a bit of help from the servants."

"Thank you so much for doing this, Belle." He said gratefully. He walked into the centre of the ballroom, spinning round to get a perfect view of the entire space that surrounded him. "It would be a shame for all of your hard work to go to waste." He commented. "What if... What if we have a dance tonight?" He suggested.

He immediately regretted saying that. Why would she want to dance with him? How foolish did he have to be to think that she would ever-

"I'd love to." She replied.

That caught him off guard. "What did you say?" He questioned. He had heard what she said, he just couldn't quite believe it.

"I said I'd love to. It will be fun."

A wave of anxiousness washed over him. He hadn't danced in years. What if he didn't remember how? What if his body wouldn't allow him to? How could he possibly be elegant and graceful on his feet with paws and claws?

He was also worried about Belle. What if he got his claws caught in her hair, or ripped her dress, or stepped on her toes?

He glanced at Belle, and noticed the massive, beaming smile on her face. And for a moment, his worries were pushed to the back of his mind.

He didn't know if he'd be able to pull it off that night, but he was prepared to try. She always wanted him to try. And he wanted it to be special. He wanted to be able to see her smile like that again. Seeing her full of joy after being at her lowest... That's all he could ask for.

A/N - This chapter is a short fic I wrote a while back with this kind of story in mind. It was a very useful draft and not much needed editing.

Just to clarify, the alternate ending I mentioned in my previous author's note isn't going to happen in this story specifically, but rather at a later date, when I've posted all of the chapters, I'll post a new story that is linked to this one but has a very different starting point due to the ending not being the same as the ending I have already wrote. Basically it'll be a couple of chapters based around a single 'what if' scenario. That's if I actually make it. I was just going on about sequels before. I hope that makes sense.

Let me know what you thought of the chapter in the reviews! I always look forward to reading them.