The Wanderers

by D4rKn3sS

Upon their return from the Chuunin Exams in Suna, the Konoha 12 find that their home has been destroyed, all it's people gone. How will they survive in the brutal shinobi world, without their families, with only each other for support?

66. Bonus Chapter 6 The Return of Ninjaman

The Wanderers

Bonus Chapter – The Return of Ninjaman

A/N: Take nothing in this chapter seriously. At all. This is a parody, and should be treated as such.

I apologise once again for the serious lateness of this chapter, things have been coming to a head in my personal life and I've not had much time for writing. I hope this chapter makes up for it. For obvious reasons, it's super long. It could have been much longer, but I decided to compress it because I have plans for the future Bonus Chapters.

Also, here is a game for my faithful readers. Try to spot all the references. There are quite a few.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, it would have One Piece's sense of humour.

---

"NINJAMAN! NINJAMAN! NINJAMAN!"

Letting out a sleepy groan, Naruto slowly rose from his bed and glared dagger at the monitor at the end of his bed, attempting to will the alarm into silence. He scratched at his messy blonde hair with a follow-up groan, he had only just woken up and already he was exhausted.

Feeling the silk blanket on his well-toned body, Naruto turned his head slightly and watched as the other occupants of his bed slept quietly beside him. The older one with fair skin and short black hair had a serene look on her face that did nothing to reveal the personality that had emerged during the previous night.

Naruto's legs were still sore, and not in the way he was particularly comfortable with.

The other occupant masked none of her comfort in his bed, her slight frame strewn across the bed like she'd fallen asleep in the same position she had collapsed into the bed in. Her long blonde ponytail was frayed and pieces of her hair were everywhere, but considering what they had been doing Naruto wasn't surprised at all.

A quiet knock on the door drew the blonde ex-hero's attention from his beautiful women and he called for the knocker to enter.

"Some breakfast, master?" asked his elderly butler as he came into his bedroom, his greying hair and wrinkles betraying his true age. He still moved with the skill that he had when he had done the same things Naruto had done in his youth, even as he held a tray of tea and a single empty cup in his hands.

Jumping out of the bed in a single bound, Naruto grimaced as he felt his under-used muscles scream out in protest. He'd only been out of action for a few weeks and was already feeling the effects. He turned to his butler with a slowly awakening look, uncaring that he was fully naked. "Ramen. Miso with extra noodles."

"Yes, master." The butler indicated to the ladies that occupied Naruto's large fluffy bed, "And these?"

Naruto looked over them for a few moments before beginning his regular stretching routine. "The dark haired one you can send on her way. I've ticked that off my list for the time being."

"And the other?"

Despite his protesting muscles, Naruto couldn't help but recall the previous night vividly. Even before they had finished, he'd decided she was a prize worth keeping. "Give her a room down the hall and tell her the routine. Tell her the rates, and if she relents double it. There is something about her…something…elusive. I want to take my time with her."

"Yes, master," said the butler, placing the tray on his bedside table. "Anything else?"

"Not for the moment, Hiruzen."

The butler bowed deeply to him for a moment before leaving his master to his business.

Finishing his stretching, Naruto turned back to his bed, noticing for the first time that the monitor hadn't folded itself back into the bedframe as it normally did. He let out a third groan, he'd hoped to get some fun with his new escort before the business of being a celebrity came about, but it would appear that his stature mattered little when it came to early morning tumblings.

He pressed a single red button on the back of the monitor and stood back as an image slowly appeared in holographic form. He was expecting his agent, pestering him for another television interview, or the women's league trying to sue him again.

Instead the image of a tall blonde man with battle scars and an annoying resemblance to the ex-hero appeared in his bedroom, wearing the same damnable outfit with the same cloak Naruto had once gifted him. He stared at the ex-hero for a moment before coughing awkwardly, "Have I…caught you at a bad time, son?"

Naruto rolled his eyes and crossed his arms across his muscular chest, "Don't call me that, Minato. I'm a busy man, what do you want?"

"We…are…could you please put some clothes on? The women in my office are starting to gather."

"Fine," said Naruto bluntly. He picked up a dark orange robe and flung it around his shoulders, tying it at the waist and standing back in front of the blonde man's image. "Now why have you disturbed my home with your presence? I'm not in the hero business anymore, remember?"

"I remember, the shinobi wars." Minato let out a small sigh, "The world was lessened by your retirement."

"Yes, yes, blah, blah, blah," waved Naruto dismissively. "What do you want?"

Minato coughed again, bringing himself back to his point. "The Princess has been taken by the Evil Lord."

"And this concerns me…why? You make it sound like that isn't an everyday occurrence."

The blonde politician gestured to his chest with both his hands, "It was that Princess, Naruto."

Naruto's eyes snapped back forward, and he put his hands to his chest in the same manner, "That one?"

"The very same."

The ex-hero didn't even need to consider it; this trumped anything he could possibly be doing in the next few months. Placing a hand inside his robe, Naruto gave his father a knowing look.

"You want me back in the game? Even though I've been out for so long?"

A strange smile came over Minato's face, one that sent Naruto's blood on edge, "Yes, we are well aware of that. We have arranged for you to undergo some…rehabilitation."

"Do I at least have time for one final fling?"

"No."

Naruto sighed and shook his head as the image faded away. It would seem the perks of being the hero he once was were long gone.

And once again, he was back in the game.

---

You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down!

The inspirational song blared into Naruto's ears as he paused on the mountainside to catch his breath. His hands were callused and bleeding from each time he launched himself up the rocky surface.

As was tradition he didn't wear any safety gear; a hero needed no such thing. But it had been years since he had climbed the Mountain of Reflection, and Naruto wasn't as in shape as he should be.

Shaking himself out of it and making sure his iPod headphones were still in his ears properly, Naruto looked up at the massive task in front of him and groaned loudly.

"There has to be a better way…"

As he went to grab the nearest handhold, a flash of inspiration hit him and he pulled back his hand to slap himself on the forehead.

"Why didn't I think of that earlier?" he groaned, shaking his head.

oOoOoOo

Naruto stood in the middle of the room, letting the pleasant piano music flow through his ears as he rose up to the mountain top. The room barely swayed as it climbed the mountain rapidly, though to his disgust he did have to wait as it picked up a number of tourists going from one site to another on the mountain.

He bit into an apple and let the fruit juice run through his teeth, mentally preparing himself for what was to come. It had been nearly a decade since he'd first come here, and he wouldn't be surprised if the reception was much the same.

A quiet ding rang through the elevator.

Top Floor: Point of No Return. Top Floor: Point of No Return.

Naruto tossed his apple core into the corner of the elevator and stepped out onto the mountain top. Unlike his half-baked climb up the mountain, the top didn't look like it was in the middle of a blizzard. Instead it was quiet and calm, the air much thinner than what he was used breathing. He took a moment to get used to the environment before walking towards the long staircase in front of him.

At the top of the staircase was a single small building that looked like it came from an old movie, it looked rundown and ready to collapse, but Naruto knew it was hardier than it looked.

Rows of blades lined the distance between him and the house, with every kind of sword imaginable available at his fingertips.

Looking down the line of weapons, he saw the reason he'd been sent back to the Mountain of Reflection. Sitting with his legs crossed underneath his pale robe, the white-haired old man noticed his approach and stared at him through small eyes. He still had the same red marks on his face that drove Naruto mad in frustration, but he swore to Minato that he would be respectful to the old man.

He bowed at his waist and stopped several metres in front of him, "Honoured master, I have come to seek your wisdom once again."

The old sage slowly rose to his feet, towering over the ex-hero and looking down on him as the scum he knew him to be. He cracked his neck loudly, causing Naruto to wince at the sound.

"You've gotten fat," said the sage bluntly.

Naruto felt a vein on his forehead pop at the insult, but he kept himself in the bow, staring at the ground at the old man's feet.

A small smirk came across the sage's face, "Good…good. You've learnt to keep that temper of yours in check."

"I have come to complete my training…master."

"Have you now?" The sage went to stroke his magnificent beard before remembering he'd never had a beard and shook himself out of it. "And what makes you think I want to help you?"

Still staring at the ground, Naruto reached into his belt pocket and produced a small book. He offered it to the sage, who stared at it curiously as he took it from his hands. He opened it up to a page in the middle and his eyes widened at what he saw. It took all his effort to not drool over the contents, nodding his approval as he snapped it shut and turned around to walk back to his house.

"Your training will begin tomorrow," he said with his voice echoing around the mountain. "Prepare yourself."

Naruto looked back up at the retreating back of his master, taking a long breath of relief. It was always difficult to tell what the white-haired sage would do, but some things never change.

"I will…Master Jiraiya."

oOoOoOo

"You must feel the Force, flowing through you…"

Naruto gave no response as he continued his one-handed hand stance. The old man sat on top of his feet far above his head, smoking a pipe as he spewed out cliché lines from his favourite movies.

Rocks seemed to tremble around him, and for a moment Naruto wondered if the mysterious training he was going through was actually having an effect on his power, but after a few minutes it was clear his master was just full of crap.

Sweat accumulated on his brow, as the radio next to them played inspirational music that only served to anger him further. He continued to hold his position, trying to ignore the fact that the old sage was reading the porn magazine he had given him on top of his feet.

"You must keep the faith!"

Naruto snarled and swapped hands, keeping himself steady. This was going to take a long time.

oOoOoOo

Strapping his student into the contraption, Jiraiya stepped back and regarded his student. Naruto hung from a clothes line by two pegs, clapped harshly onto his nipples, pulling him up with an agonised expression on his face.

"Why…do I have to…do this…again?" demanded the ex-hero, each word bringing about a new level of pain.

Jiraiya walked forward and twisted one of the pegs, causing him to groan in pain. "One day, you will have the strongest nipples in the world. A man with strong nipples can conquer anything."

Naruto shook his head and immediately regretted it as the pegs pulled even harder on his chest.

"Whatever you say…"

His master stepped forward and slapped him in the face. "What do you say when addressing me?"

The ex-hero grimaced and looked down at his master, "Yes…sir…"

"You have much to learn."

oOoOoOo

Jiraiya stepped back and looked at his student, having noticed the change in the young man in the few hours since he'd started his training.

"Your montage training is now complete. Now you must face your greatest opponent."

He indicated to a large image near the edge of his house. Naruto nodded in anticipation, he knew he was far stronger and fitter than when he had arrived at the mountain top. His chest still hurt, but that wasn't unusual after a training session with the old sage.

The old man removed the cloth from the large figure and a loud groan emerged from Naruto's mouth as he saw the damnable red car that he hadn't noticed earlier.

"You've got to be kidding me…"

Jiraiya grinned his old man smile as he handed him a cloth and a small bottle. "You know the drill."

Naruto snatched the cloth and bottle from his hands and snarled. "You are an evil, evil man."

He stomped towards the car as Jiraiya pulled out his porn magazine again. "You must feel the energy of the task at hand, each movement flowing into the next."

He gestured dramatically as the montage music began once again. "But most of all, you must exercise restraint in all things. Be wary of the three vices: women, money and alcohol. And when in serious doubt, remember your training."

Jiraiya moved his hands in the same motions the ex-hero was, "Make sure to get the rims done as well."

oOoOoOo

Naruto shouldered on his cloak and took a long breath. He hated the training methods of his master, but couldn't argue with the results they achieved. He hadn't been prepared earlier to storm the Evil Lord's lair, but his body and mind were now one and he felt more serene than the last time he'd been a hero.

Jiraiya stepped towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "You are now ready. For now, there is nothing more I can teach you."

Naruto bowed respectfully, despite hating the man with unbridled passion. "You honour me."

"You were my second-best student; never forget what you have learnt here."

"Second-best?" asked Naruto with a raised eyebrow. "Who was your first?"

The old sage shook his head at the memory, "Pray you never meet him. He used my teachings for evil…and even tried to kill me with my own fish-heads."

Naruto gave him a suspicious look, but let it go as he considered the immense task in front of him.

"Before you go, I have something for you."

The hero had to stop himself from jumping out of his skin; the swords of his master were renowned around the world for their quality. If he wielded one of them, rescuing the princess would be easy.

Jiraiya reached into pocket and produced a gunk-filled rag, handing to his student with a proud smile on his face. "Take this, to remember your training and the commitment you made here on this mountain."

Naruto's face dropped and he tentatively took the rag from his master's hands, "Um…thanks…I guess…"

"Where will you go now?"

The newly resurrected Ninjaman stuffed his master's rag into his pocket and cracked his knuckles loudly. It was time for him to get moving.

"I'm going to get a team together."

---

The battlefield was deafeningly loud.

Running through the sandbagged trench with his head beating against the helmet he had taken off a body, Naruto winced at the sound of every shell that fell nearby as he tried to move as quickly as possible.

Within the trench were hundreds of soldiers trying their hardest to hold the line against the vastly superior armed force threatening to push through to the civilian holdings behind them. Their rifles barked loudly at every pull of the triggers, but for every bullet fired there were three fired back.

Naruto pulled up next to a soldier that was clutching his arm through bloody teeth, "Where is your commanding officer?"

The soldier turned to him with hazed over eyes, "Sharon? Why are you blonde?"

"Where is your commanding officer?" asked Naruto again.

"I'm going, going…back, back…to Cali…Cali…"

The blonde hero rolled his eyes and stood up for a moment before a stray bullet came flying into his helmet and blew it off his head. Naruto jumped in surprise and looked down to see the large bullet hole in the helmet that should have killed him.

"Lucky I have plot armour," he muttered under his breath, though he still ducked for precaution's sake.

He looked around the trenches, noticing a small command post that had been set up at the end of his current trench. Naruto nodded dramatically and began crawling towards the command post, appropriating a rifle and slinging it over his shoulder.

A hero has to do, what a hero has to do.

oOoOoOo

After dragging himself into the command post, Naruto found himself in the middle of a war room with his target directing the action.

There were ten soldiers huddled around a map of the area on the central table, with a tall green clad man at the forefront.

"I want mortars shelling this grid here," said the commander, pointing to a part of the map with a stab of his finger. "Then the infantry can push forward and take out the guns on the left flank."

One of the other soldiers frowned at his command, "They'll sustain heavy casualties if the mortars aren't able to take out the heavy machine guns."

"Are you questioning my order?"

"Sir, I was just objecting to the notion that our men can be used as cannon fodder."

"Objection noted," said Rock Lee. He pulled out his sidearm and shot the officer in the face.

The other officers jumped in surprise, while Naruto grinned and walked into the room. "Are you Commander Lee?"

The green-clad leader stepped over the body on the ground and holstered his pistol, "Who's asking?"

The blonde hero puffed out his chest proudly, "I am Uzumaki Naruto, formally known as Ninjaman, making a dramatic return to the scene!"

Looking up and down the blonde for a moment, the general shrugged unimpressed and turned to one of his advisors standing over a patch of ground sitting on top of a table. "What is it we are looking at here?"

"This is a representation of how much ground we gained in the last push."

"Splendid…" said Lee, nodding to himself. "And how much is it?"

The advisor pulled out a measuring tape and took an account of the scenery, "Two point four metres, sir."

"And what is the scale?"

"Um…one to one…sir."

Lee stared at the advisor for a moment, resisting the urge to draw his firearm again, before turning back to the main map. "Fine. Reduce rations by a quarter for a lacklustre effort. What's next?"

"Hey! Are you just going to ignore me?" demanded Naruto, stepping into the war room fully so he was in line with the other advisors. "I am the Great Ninjaman!"

The general looked up at him and rolled his eyes before dismissing his advisors out onto the battlefield. As they left two of them removed the body, leaving a long blood stain on the ground.

Lee waved him over, "Keep your chest beating to yourself. And it's General Lee, get it right."

"Right, right…" said Naruto, leaning his hands onto the map.

"Get your hands off my table," said Lee strictly, pushing a large collection of papers to one side.

Naruto put his hands up in mock surrender, wondering why he had come to get this one first. "I'm putting together a team, and you're the first name on my list."

"What, like a softball team? I'm not that kind of person, boy. Now get out of my war room before I shoot you."

Ninjaman refused to give up without a fight, "I need your help rescuing the princess from The Evil Lord."

Lee scoffed at the notion and moved a small flag from one position to another, "And I want an extra hundred men to fix the hole in our barracks and a woman to scrub my feet at night, but neither of those seem likely, do they?"

"But I need your help! The princess is doomed without our intervention."

"I don't care if she's the Queen of Belgium; I'm not going to abandon this battle so you can get a decent lay."

Naruto gave him a suspicious look and gestured to his chest, "She'd be a really good…that's not the point! You are on the list, and I'm not leaving here until you come with me."

Rock Lee went to say something in response, but his expression darkened as he looked through the hole in the command post to the trenches below.

"Son of a bitch…"

Pushing off his strong legs, Lee jumped through the hole into the trenches, causing Naruto to groan in exasperation and run out towards where his future companion was going.

After a minute of running he finally caught up to Lee, to see a particularly strange situation.

"Did I hear you right, soldier?! I think you need to repeat it, I don't speak fluent moron!"

The young soldier shirked under Lee's terrifying visage, "What?"

"I asked you a question! Are you going to answer me or not?!"

"…what?"

Lee reached down and slammed the soldier against the trench wall, "What country are you from, boy?"

Nearly pissing himself, the soldier continued to stammer uncontrollably, "What?"

"What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak Japanese in What?"

The soldier's hands began to shake in terror, "What?"

"JAPANESE YOU MAGGOT! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!"

He started nodding his head violently, "Yes…yes sir!"

"Why did you remove your helmet soldier?!"

The soldier looked down at the ground at his discarded helmet for a moment before turning his terrified face back to his general, "…what?"

Lee pulled up the pistol from his belt and shoved it into the soldier's mouth, "Say what again! I dare you, I double dare you! Say what one more god damn time!"

"I…it fell off in the fight…sir."

Lee yanked out the pistol from the soldier's mouth, but still kept it in hand as he brought the soldier's face close to his own, "Do I look like a bitch?"

"What?"

Taking an angry breath, Lee aimed his pistol at the soldier's shoulder and fired, causing him to scream out in pain and drop to the ground.

"Do. I. Look. Like. A. Bitch?" said Lee slowly and precisely.

"NO!" screamed the soldier, holding his hand to his shoulder.

"Good. Now why did you remove your helmet?"

The soldier grimaced as he struggled on the ground, "I was scared…my eyes hurt…and I couldn't see anything…"

Lee reached down and picked up the soldier's helmet, "This is the thing that keeps your head from being blown off. This is the thing that keeps you alive."

"But sir…the machine gun fire is cutting us to shreds. I can't go up there, I'll get killed!"

Lee glared at him for a moment before dropping his helmet and moving towards an ammunition crate nearby. "Did they teach you guys nothing about trench warfare?"

He dug around for a moment before removing a belt of grenades, turning back to sling the belt around the soldier's waist, pulling him up onto his feet. "You use grenades for to create cover, then pop your head up and take them out."

The soldier nodded in understanding, taking slow breaths in an attempt to ignore the pain in his shoulder.

With a quick motion of his hands, Lee removed the pins from the six grenades on the belt and stared the soldier straight in the eyes. "Let me show you."

Picking up the soldier with an impressive demonstration of strength, General Rock Lee threw the soldier over the trench wall and waited. There was a loud bark of machine gun fire before a large explosion rang through the area.

Hefting the soldier's discarded rifle, Lee poked his head up and fired two short bursts, taking out the machine gun operators before ducking back into the trench.

He tucked the rifle under his arm and turned to a shocked Naruto, "Now, what were we talking about again?"

"Um…you…helping me rescue the princess…"

Rock Lee nodded his understanding and dropped his rifle on the ground. "That's right. As I said, I can't help you there."

He walked over to the ammunition crate and slowly pulled out a bazooka out of nowhere, loading it with a large rocket, "These men need my help in winning this battle."

Making his way back to the trench wall, Lee hefted the bazooka onto his shoulder, "Without me here, they would be slaughtered in an instant, and I care too much about my men."

Naruto gave him a suspicious look as the general fired the bazooka over the trench wall. "Yes…I can feel the love…" he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" yelled Lee under the roaring sound of the explosion. "I couldn't hear you."

The blonde hero shook his head, "Nothing, nothing. Are you going to help me or not?"

Lee snorted and dropped the bazooka onto the ground, moving to operate a conveniently placed mortar. "I have no interest in leaving this battlefield for some meaningless quest. Either pick up a rifle, or slink away like a little girl."

Naruto frowned, unsure of what to do next. General Rock Lee continued to fire larger and larger weaponry with more gusto and fervour, while the blonde hero pulled out a large pad of paper from his pocket. He flipped through it for a moment before letting out a gasp in acknowledgement.

He shoved the papers back into his pocket and straightened his back, "Is there anything I can do to sweeten the offer?"

Lee removed his helmet and goggles and leaned his head out of the anti-aircraft emplacement, "Unless you can end this war in a single blow that doesn't require divine intervention, you are wasting my time."

Naruto reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, "How about if I give you five dollars?"

General Rock Lee stopped putting in the code on the portable nuclear bomb and looked up at the blonde hero with a deep frown.

"…right now?"

Naruto pulled out the note and flicked it so it made a satisfying thwack. "Right now."

Lee breathed through his teeth for a moment before standing up from the nuke and walking over to him and plucking the bill out of Naruto's hand. "Okay. Lead the way."

Naruto motioned to the path leading out of the trench, flicking his cloak in a dramatic flair. "Nice to be working with you, General Lee."

The general hesitated for a moment before turning to regard the soldiers that stood in formation behind him.

"Alright you scum-ridden faeces buckets! I am leaving for a very important…mission for High Command. All lieutenants are hereby promoted to captains, and all sergeants are demoted to privates. You men and women will win this battle, or so help me I will come back and shove that nuke up your collective asses and watch you burn through fashionable sunglasses."

The soldiers all saluted in formation, but General Rock Lee and Naruto were already gone, slowly walking into the distant sunset.

---

Naruto and Lee stood outside of the bar, looking in onto the shadowy interior with serious expressions.

"What should we expect?" asked the general, picking at his teeth with a toothpick.

The hero shrugged, "He's on the list, so he must be good. Not sure why he is all the way out here though."

The town around them sat in the centre of a desert-covered wasteland, with sand blowing with a fair amount of force. With a sandstorm incoming, most of the townsfolk had taken shelter within their wooden homes.

Naruto gave his companion a knowing glance before pushing through the swinging door and entering the door with the clanking of his boots striking at the floor with each step.

The bar was as seedy as they come, with drunks hanging off bar stools with glasses of whiskey in hand, with busty waitresses distributing jugs of beer with charm and good will. Naruto straightened his back at the scene; he disliked the lawlessness of places like these.

"I'll go look for our new member."

Rock Lee nodded in acknowledgement, "I'll investigate the bar. It's looking at me intently."

Ninjaman waved him off and scanned the bar for his future companion. A dark skinned man sat on a stool near the edge of the wall and played a boisterous song on the piano, his large afro shaking from one side to the other. The bartender scowled as Lee ordered a drink and sized up the nearby drunks.

This was a terrible place.

It didn't take him long to zone in on the man they had come there for; he sat in the middle of the bar with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. His jet black hair sat in a tangled ponytail that hung behind his head and the smell of alcohol and degradation was overwhelming.

Naruto nodded to himself and took the seat beside him, turning to ask for his help before realising that the man was asleep at the bar. He rolled his eyes and motioned to the bartender, calling the older man over to him.

"What with this guy?" he asked, motioning to the man beside him with his head.

The bartender shrugged and continued to clean the mug in his hands, "You want something?"

Beside him, the sleeping man jerked awake suddenly and shook his head for a moment before groaning loudly and taking a long puff from his cigar.

"You okay there?" asked Naruto, concerned about the health of his future companion.

With a gravelly voice that told Ninjaman volumes about how much the man smoked, he coughed and turned to the blonde man with glazed over eyes, "Oh…I'm fine…"

He took a long swig from his bottle of whiskey, draining a quarter of the bottle in barely a few seconds before letting out a soft belch and putting his cigar back into his mouth.

"You sure you don't want to eat something?" asked Naruto cautiously.

The man shook his head again, tightening his grip on his bottle, "Food makes me sick…"

Naruto frowned heavily and turned on his stool to face him properly, "Man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to die."

"When?" asked the drunk, lifting the bottle to take another swig.

"What's your name?"

Putting down his bottle, the man turned to him and removed the cigar from his mouth. "Well my name is Shikamaru, but most people call me…" He hesitated before turning back, "Shikamaru."

Naruto ordered a drink from the bartender and regarded the alcoholic with a suspicious look, "I came here looking for you. But I didn't know the Nara Kid had turned into a drunk."

Shikamaru waved him off and drained the remainder of his bottle, tapping it on the bar to indicate that he needed a replacement. "I'm not that man anymore."

"Why not?"

The drunk turned his gaze up to Naruto's optimistic face, "Well…if you must pry."

"Oh I must, I must."

Shikamaru groaned in response and leaned back onto the bar.

"Few years back I was playing a grand master's chess championship, the final match to determine the best in the world. My opponent was a little kid from China, someone so far beneath me I didn't even rate him. After a few moves it was clear that he wasn't a match for me so I stood up from the table to take a much-needed stretch."

He lowered his head in disgust, "Little bastard stole my Queen."

Naruto wasn't sure what to make of that, everyone knew that if a piece left the table and wasn't returned the user forfeit the match. "What happened next?"

"Well, I slunk away from the board, crawled into the nearest bottle, and I've been there ever since."

"I knew you weren't really the Nara kid. He's been dead for years." Naruto sipped at the alcohol in the glass placed in front of him, wincing at the strength.

"Oh, lordly lord," said Shikamaru, slowly pushing himself up off his stool. He wavered on his feet for a moment, the newly acquired bottle of whiskey in hand before turning to a nearby fellow drunk.

He pointed to him with a drunken arm, "Your father was a blacksmith, your wife is pregnant with twins, and you need to shoot your brother-in-law."

The drunk looked up at him with a wide-eyed look, but Shikamaru was already turning to a nearby waitress with a generous shirt and skirt on. "If you don't tell your lover that you have the disease, then you should at least tell your children before you die."

The waitress gave him the same look the drunk had, but Shikamaru wasn't finished as he walked over to a small child next to the piano player and knelt down to his level.

For a moment it seemed like he wasn't going to say anything, until he got right into the child's face.

"CHANGE YOUR PANTS!"

The child jumped back in surprise, but Shikamaru had already stood back up and took a swig from his whiskey bottle. He turned to Naruto with a smug grin on his face, "Satisfied?"

Ninjaman put up his hands, "Fair enough, so maybe you are the Kid. Are you willing to come with us to save the princess?"

The drunk looked at him for a moment before gesturing to his chest, "That princess?"

Naruto nodded with a smirk, "Yes, that one. She's been taken by The Evil Lord, and I swore to get her back."

Shikamaru let out a long sigh and stretched his neck from one side to the other, "I can't say I'd be any use to you, but I guess I could tag along. Don't expect me to sober up though."

The blonde hero chuckled and extended his hand to the Nara Kid, "Glad to have you on board."

Looking at his hand for a moment, Shikamaru barked out a laugh and walked past him, recovering some composure with each step. "Where is our…companion-in-arms?"

Naruto took a long breath and turned to where he had left the general, seeing the green-clad soldier surrounded by four buxom ladies sitting on his lap and in his arms.

"Are you coming with us?" called out Naruto, already knowing the answer.

Rock Lee looked down at the very obvious breasts around him before turning his gaze to the blonde hero and drunk genius.

"Give me a few hours. I have to…storm the trenches…man the guns…get my freak on."

Naruto rolled his eyes and turned to his new companion, "I guess we are going to be here for a while. Want me to buy you a drink?"

Shikamaru stopped drinking from his whiskey bottle and scoffed at the notion, "I doubt you could afford it, kid. Want me to buy you a club soda or something? Get you a buzz?"

---

The three of them walked up the stone steps, noticing the serious backwardness of the architecture around them compared to their own homes. It had a historic feel to it, but as they got to the top of the mountain Naruto knew they were in the right place. It had the right feel for the person they had come here for.

"So who is this guy we are coming here for?" asked General Lee, kicking away a pebble near his feet far away. "Seems like a lot of effort."

"Trust me," said Naruto, "This guy has power like you wouldn't believe."

Shikamaru finished his bottle of whiskey and threw it onto the stones below, "There's a reason he's hiding out up here. He may not want to come with us."

Naruto dismissed his concern out of hand, "I'll just threaten to unleash my sister on him. She's been looking for him for payments for years."

Beside him, Rock Lee let out a low chuckle, "Is there anyone your sister hasn't slept with?"

"I don't want to talk about it," said Ninjaman, indicating to the top of the stone stairs. "He's up there."

The three of them came to a halt as they saw a small grotto with a single building and a small pond in front of them. Sitting in the centre of the grotto was a single man in a monk's robe, two small fang marks on his cheeks and wild uncut that seemed out of place with his clothing and place of living.

Naruto smiled slowly as he recognised his future companion, "It's good to see you, Inuzuka Kiba."

The monk opened an eye slightly, regarding the intruders with caution. "You are not welcome here, blonde devil. Go back to your plagued lives and leave me to my peace."

"I can't do that, and you know it," said Naruto, stepping forward into the grotto. "You are on the list, and I'm not leaving until I've added your strength to our own."

"And I've to have no say in my role in this story?" asked the monk, picking his words carefully.

Naruto gave him his characteristic grin, "Nope."

Kiba took a long drawn out breath before standing up on his bare feet and regarding the others through animalistic eyes, "Fine, fine. It would appear I have no choice in the matter. I will join you."

Naruto grasped his hand in an enthusiastic handshake before introducing him to the other two members of his group.

"So what's your ability then?" asked General Lee, taking the monk's hand into his own.

A slow grin came across the monk's face as the handshake became a contest of strength.

***Conveniently placed Flashback***

The blue genie slowly rose from the lamp and wringed his hands with an evil chuckle, "Hehe…who would seek a wish from me, must answer me these questions three…"

A long blonde haired man walked forward and nodded to himself, "Hn…Ask me the questions, genie, I'm not afraid."

"What is your name?"

He flicked his blonde hair with a sly grin, "Deidara of Akatsuki."

"What is your quest?"

"To create the perfect piece of art."

The genie leaned forward dramatically, "What…is your favourite colour?"

"White," said Deidara quickly, not having to think about it at all.

"Right. What's your wish then?"

The Akatsuki member frowned for a moment; he wasn't expecting it to be that easy. "I want you to make me into the most perfect piece of art imaginable."

The genie nodded in understanding and clicked his fingers. Within seconds a white glow appeared around the explosion-user, turning him into a beautifully jewelled white bowl with an attachment on top and a stand underneath.

At the back Kiba burst out laughing, hunching over as he failed to contain himself. "You…you turned him into a toilet! Oh my god, that is too precious."

The genie nodded like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Of course. What is more artistic and beautiful than the place we go to relieve themselves?"

He turned to the two remaining people, "Who is next?"

The pale lanky shinobi stepped up to the genie, "Ask me the questions, genie, I'm not afraid."

"What is your name?"

"Orochimaru."

"What is your quest?"

The snake shinobi hesitated for a moment before turning back to the genie, "To achieve everything."

"What…is the strongest shinobi to come out of Konoha?"

Orochimaru went to say himself then hesitated again, that would be too easy. "Um…Uchiha…"

"Wrong," interrupted the genie, snapping his fingers. The snake shinobi exploded into a mess of bloody gore, leaving his ambition sitting in the cold stone beneath.

The blue genie turned his fiery gaze to Kiba, "What is your name?"

Kiba took a long gulp, "Inuzuka Kiba."

"What is your quest?"

"To…to avenge my friend's murder."

"What…is the person who has taken your love?"

The canine shinobi bit at his lip angrily, of course it had to be that. He knew he couldn't hesitate too long in responding, he judged that the genie was not the most patient being in the universe.

"It…was…my mother's partner…Kuromaru."

A creepy smile came over the genie's face, "That is correct. I'm not one to judge on the love that passes between a man and his…"

"Do I get a wish or what?" stamped Kiba impatiently.

"Yes, yes, what is your wish, blah blah blah."

Kiba stepped forward and clenched his fists tightly, "I wish for…a sandwich."

"A sandwich?" repeated the confused genie. "You're going to waste your one wish on a sandwich? You don't want anything else?"

"Nah, sandwich is good." He motioned with his hands, "Maybe about this big. On wheat bread? I dunno, whatever you've got around, I'm good."

The genie flew back a metre and frowned at the mortal, "Dude, I'll just make you a sandwich. You should use your wish on something important."

Kiba cocked his head to the side, "I dunno…I could really go for a sandwich right now…"

"Just…think of something you really want…"

"Oh…I dunno…I guess…"

***End Conveniently placed Flashback***

Kiba released Lee's hand and nodded to Shikamaru. "Where are we going?"

"That's for the third act," said Naruto, nodding to the path down the mountain. "Can you demonstrate your ability to the two of them? They'll want to see it for themselves."

Kiba snarled, his personality emerging for a moment before retreating back into his monk persona, "I would prefer not to. This is not a place for violence."

Rock Lee snorted and put his hands on his hips, "What are you, chicken?"

The Inuzuka warrior froze in place before slowly turning in place and giving the general a glare of death. He took a single step forward and clenched one of his fists.

"Nobody calls me chicken."

With a swift change in uniform, he slammed his fist down into the ground in front of Lee, causing a massive tremor that shook the whole mountain, creating large ripples in the nearby pond and the building to shake violently.

As a trained soldier with years of military experience, Rock Lee didn't flinch at the strike, but he did take a step back when he saw what Kiba had changed into to be able to use such superhuman strength.

His monk's robe had vanished, and in its place was an outfit that was entirely out of place in the current setting. He wore a tight fitting white shirt cut across his chest and a plaid red and dark blue skirt concealed his privates. From his knees down he wore dark blue stockings that led into a pair of outrageously bright red high heels and his wild hair had grown out and been strangely placed into a pair of pigtails.

The three warriors all stared at him as he stood back up and placed a hand on his hip that made him look even more ridiculous, if at all possible.

Unable to contain themselves, the three of them collapsed on the ground in hysterical laughter.

Kiba dismissed his outfit and replaced it with his monk's robe out of nowhere. He watched as they struggled to pick themselves up off the ground before falling back down and doubling over with laughter.

"Yes, yes, it's all very amusing," he said impatiently. "Are we going to get going or what?"

Shikamaru was the first to recover, though only a little bit as his sides shook from the effort. "Let me guess…the genie…oh my god…it's too funny…"

Naruto was up next as he nodded feverously to try and contain himself, "Nice to see…you're keeping…yourself fit…"

Rock Lee finally pulled himself together and straightened himself out like he was back in the war. He patted himself down and took a laboured breath. "I am a General of the Northern Armies, I am better than this. I am a General…"

Gritting his teeth in obvious frustration, Kiba turned around and started making his way down the stone stairs. His new companions lasted only seconds before they all collapsed in laughter once again.

It was going to be a long mission.

---

"We need a chick," said Lee as the group stopped for the night at a local tavern in downtown.

Naruto shrugged in response, "What for? We have all the heavy-weights we need. The list is done."

His three companions looked at each for a moment before Shikamaru threw away his empty bottle, causing it to shatter on the stones nearby.

"He's right; we need a girl to join our group."

"Otherwise we'll just look like a bunch of queers," said Kiba, scratching at his chest with a claw.

Shikamaru turned to the tattooed warrior with a drunken smirk, "You don't think the pigtails and heels might have given it away?"

Kiba snarled and raised a claw, "Want me to prove my manliness to you?"

The Nara Kid looked him up and down for a moment before letting out a snort, "I wouldn't be so proud of that thing, Inuzuka."

"Hey! It isn't the hammer you're using; it's the nail you're throwing it at!"

Naruto put his body between the two of them, not wanting to foster a fight, "Look, I'll concede the point; we need a female group member. Does anyone know someone we can use?"

The four of them considered the issue, as they sat down at a table after entering the tavern.

An unbelievably attractive waitress and asked for their order.

Shikamaru put down his menu and leaned forward, "Yeah, four pints of ale, four glasses of whiskey with ice, four vodkas and cranberries and a bottle of your best red wine."

He turned to his three companions, "What do you guys want?"

Running a finger along the menu, Kiba stared at the waitress' breasts with the desperation of a wounded hound. "Yeah, I'll have fifteen hamburgers, nine steaks, twelves sausages and a green salad."

"So, names?" asked Naruto, ignoring the sheer absurdity of the ordering process.

"Konan?"

Shikamaru waved off the suggestion, "She's too tied up in the politics."

Lee tried to snatch a steak from the newly arrived plate, but was swatted away by Kiba with a snarl. "How about Mei Terumi?"

"No, she's married," said Naruto.

"Really? To who?"

Ninjaman shrugged and picked at his meal, "Some big wig, guy looks like a mountain."

Kiba swallowed a massive piece of steak and spat one of the bones onto the ground, "How about Anko? She's strong, independent, got a good rack on her…"

"No good," said General Lee. "She's dead."

The strong-man gaped in surprise, "Really? How?"

Lee hesitated for a moment, wary of what was in front of them. "Syphilis, compounded with HIV. You didn't think that all that stuff she did would catch up with her?"

Kiba stared at him awkwardly, letting the sausage in his mouth fall onto his plate. "I didn't…I thought…jeez, I've got to get myself tested."

"Gentlemen, we are getting off topic," said Naruto, regretting the whole venture all together. "We need a name."

The four of them were silent for a long time, two rounds of food and drink went by before the conversation picked back up.

"Tayuya?"

"Too spiteful."

"Rin?"

"Too…plot irrelevant."

"Karin?"

All three of them groaned at the mention of the woman's name and shook their heads vigorously at Kiba's suggestion.

"Just…no," said Naruto quickly. "If I have to get my sister Naruko into this, I will. Don't make me make that call; we shared a womb, that's the extent of my tolerance of her."

Staring into the empty bottle of wine with both disappointment and longing, Shikamaru looked up at his three companions bickering about inviting Ninjaman's twin sister to the group.

"I have the perfect woman."

The three of them all turned at once. They stared at him as if waiting for an explanation, but he was already turning his attention to his last pint of ale.

"Well don't fall over yourself telling us," said an impatient Kiba.

Shikamaru drained the entire pint in one go and let out a short belch, "It's called patience you cross-dressing buffoon. Perhaps you've heard of it?"

The Inuzuka soldier snarled at him, but once again Naruto got between them. "What are you going to tell us? Someone we should know? We've run through all the names in the field."

"Not this one. Let me make a call."

oOoOoOo

"The Forge of Blades," read Kiba as the group stopped in front of the shop. "Kind of a pretentious name, don't you think?"

"Tenten makes half the blades in the country, she's earned the right to the name," said Shikamaru, examining the door for potential traps.

Leaning forward, Lee noticed a small warning side next to the door knob.

"Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be made into bread."

"Charming," said the general, taking a step back. "Who's going in first?"

The four of them looked at each other for a moment before racing to place their hands on their noses.

"Not it!" yelled Kiba, Lee and Shikamaru at the same time.

"Not…ah shit," said Naruto, groaning loudly. "Ungrateful bastards…"

The three of them grinned and motioned for him to take the first step, watching as Naruto slowly made his way to the door and opened it cautiously.

"Hello…?" he asked at a whisper, opening the door a little bit wider to get a glimpse into the forge.

Inside was a massive centrepiece that burned hot like a volcano, with dozens of blacksmiths all working at the same time to forge an incalculable number of weapons. They raised their hammers and slammed them into the blades in sync, each seemingly humming a low singing tune.

One of the blacksmiths noticed their arrival and walked towards them, throwing off their mask to reveal a beautiful woman who looked to belong more in a palace surrounded by princes than in a forge getting her hands dirty. She wore a set of slacks and worn out clothes with soot-covered gloves on her hands. Her hair seemed set into two buns behind her head but with a slight shake it came out into two long pigtails that ran down towards her knees.

The long haired woman looked over the four of them for a moment before pointing to them one at a time. "No, no, maybe, and if I had a few drinks in me."

"Huh?" asked a confused Kiba.

She waved off his question and turned to Shikamaru with a deep frown, "I thought I told you never to come back here."

The Nara Kid put up his hands in mock surrender, "I know, I know. But we need your expertise."

"What's your name?" she asked to Naruto, clearly seeing that he was the leader of the group.

"Ninjaman," said Naruto proudly, striking his customary hero pose.

Tenten only took a moment to make up her mind, "Okay, I'm changing you from a maybe to a no. What is this about?"

Naruto wasn't sure what she was talking about, but laid out the situation to her quickly.

Once he was done telling his story, Tenten turned back to her forge and removed her gloves, revealing a set of rough set of hands with blood red fingernails. "That sounds like your problem, not mine. Why should I help you?"

Naruto turned to Shikamaru with a raised eyebrow, she had a fair point.

The Nara Kid took a cautious step forward, "The Evil Lord has employed the service of a particularly skilled assassin…one you are somewhat familiar with."

Initially it seemed like she had no idea what he was talking about, but after a second her dark eyes lit up and her expression became one of clear enthusiasm.

"Really? Oh that is wonderful news; I've been looking for him for months."

She looked around the forge for a moment before grabbing one of her assistants and pulling him towards the group, "You're in charge until I get back."

"But mistress…where are you going?"

An evil grin came her face, "To bring back your father. He's long overdue to take the trash out."

oOoOoOo

The men waited for her to sort out her forge and arm herself before re-emerging back in the main area. She hadn't changed her outfit at all, but she had put on a surprisingly large amount of war paint on her face, giving her a terrifying visage to go with her array of weaponry.

"You ready to go?" asked Naruto, anxious to get underway.

"Hang on, let me put on my armour."

Tenten reached up and slowly removed her shirt, struggling for a moment at her chest before taking it over her head and letting her long hair fall back over her shoulders. She wore a blood red armoured bra that had spikes coming out of it, and as she removed her skirt she revealed a similarly designed set of underwear.

She nodded to herself as she folded her removed clothes and turned back to her new companions, grinning seductively at their faces. "Okay boys, I'm ready."

Being the first one to shake himself out of it, Shikamaru looked her up and down with a frown, "I thought you said you were going to put armour on."

Tenten gave him a confused look and tapped herself on her flat stomach, "What are you talking about? This is my armour."

Struggling to hold back his inevitable nosebleed, Kiba tried to look away from her highly developed body and failed miserably. "But you're just wearing underwear!"

The blade mistress chuckled and indicated to the armoury around her, "This is just as strong as anything you see here."

"Bullshit."

She held out her arm and motioned for Naruto to grab a nearby sword. "Go ahead."

Naruto grabbed the sword but hesitated, noticing that the weapon was extremely sharp. "This could cut through your bones! I'm not going to cut through your arm just to prove Kiba is an idiot."

"He does that on his own," added Shikamaru with a smirk.

"Yeah…hey!"

Tenten rolled her eyes and nodded at her arm, "Just do it. I know what I'm doing."

Shrugging his shoulders, Naruto pulled back the sword and swung it as hard as he could. The blade seemed destined to remove her arm at the elbow, but just as it went to slice through her skin it bounced off like it had struck an invisible barrier.

The sword shook in Naruto's hands as he stared at her untouched arm with amazement.

"See? Just as good as any armour you boys would wear."

After a few seconds they conceded her point and Naruto put the sword back into its rack.

"Welcome to the group," said the blonde hero.

---

"Kanpai!"

The five of them tapped their glasses and drained their beers in a single slug.

Naruto grinned at his four group members; they looked more reliable than he first thought they would have. He'd only planned for four, but adding Tenten was a clever move from Shikamaru, and she would only add to their group dynamic.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Tenten, slamming down her empty glass. "What kind of information do we have?"

Naruto finished off his beer and gave them a disquieting look, shaking his head slowly. "I was only working to get a crew together. We still have no information on the Evil Lord, or where he's holding the Princess."

"So what, we go around and squeeze people?" asked Kiba, grinning as he put his feet up on the table.

Placing a cautionary hand on one of his pistols, General Rock Lee sat back in his chair and bit at his lip, "That won't do much. We don't even know who this Evil Lord's minions are."

Shikamaru slugged down his ninth beer, he was almost done with appetisers, "That's not true. There is a retired member of his army that I know of."

They all turned to the drunken genius; he hadn't spoken of such before then.

Before Ninjaman could ask who he spoke of, a tall woman with reddish brown hair past her skinny chest walked over to their table and smiled sweetly at the group.

"Can we help you?" asked Naruto, looking her up and down with the expertise he had garnered over the years.

She reached into her shirt and pulled out a piece of paper from between her breasts, handing it slowly to him with a full-toothed smile. "I was instructed to give this to you."

Naruto frowned as he took the paper from her, which deepened to a look of pure fury as he read it.

"What's it say?" asked Shikamaru, noticing the dramatic change in their leader's demeanour.

Ninjaman slowly stood up from the table, clenching his fists to match his expression.

Tenten looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, "Naruto?"

Their leader slammed one of his fists on the table, sending a shock through the glasses and sending several of their drinks over the side.

"There is something I must do. Alone."

"Alone?"

"Don't follow me. This is my burden, no-one else's."

With that said, he walked out of the tavern.

---

The rain belted into Naruto's head, causing his normally spiky blonde hair to droop onto his forehead. His companions had done what he'd asked without much further protest; this was his battle to fight.

As he'd promised, Naruto waited in the low grass near the cliff facing, taking one breath at a time to try and keep himself relaxed.

This was something he had to do.

"You came," said a gravelly voice behind him. "I am surprised."

Naruto let out a sigh and turned around to regard the speaker, "I swore to take you down."

"But you are powerless to do so."

Standing in the rain in complete opposite of the blonde hero was his Naruto's nemesis. Clad in a suit of pitch black armour and a long wavering black cape, he regarded the protagonist through mechanical dead eyes.

"Are you prepared to face your destiny?"

Naruto let out a low growl and clenched his fists so tightly that blood trickled down his fingers and dripped onto the ground. "My master told me that I couldn't be a true hero unless I faced you one last time."

His nemesis reached across to his belt and removed a long sword from its sheath. Its blood red hilt glowed darkly in the stormy weather. "You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain."

"Is that how you became a force of evil?" questioned an angry Naruto, reaching into his belt to remove his own blade. Its hilt was a lighter green than the soaked grass beneath his feet.

His opponent put up his blade to a guard position, "As will you, once you recognise the pointlessness of resisting me and my master."

"I will not turn, no matter what you try."

With that, Naruto charged into his foe, swinging his blue-hilted blade to slice through his shoulder. His opponent easily blocked the strike and took a quick in-step to drive his red hilt into Naruto's face, sending the blonde hero flying backwards into the wet grass.

"Pathetic."

Naruto clutched at his face and felt blood run through his fingers. Clutching his sword tightly, Naruto let out a grunt of pain as he set his nose back into place, feeling a shock of pain through his face.

Feeling his rage accumulate quickly, Naruto charged forward and stabbed at his masked foe rapidly, watching as each strike was parried like it was nothing. He tried to feint high and strike at his side, but his nemesis side-stepped the blow and nicked him in the side, just deep enough to draw blood and drain some of his strength without seriously injuring him.

Ignoring the pain in his side, Naruto charged forward again, but to his surprise his enemy met him head on, smashing apart his guard and cutting him half a dozen times in seconds, causing him to drop to his knees.

"You are bea…"

He didn't get to finish as Naruto leapt to his feet and slammed his sword at his enemy's face, only to be blocked by a single-handed sword strike. It became a contest of strength as he tried to overpower his masked foe with both hands on his blue-hilted sword. His arms began to scream out in pain as he felt himself being pushed back by the one-handed gripped sword, as his enemy's soulless black eyes on his mask stared at him dispassionately.

Taking a step back to try and regain his posture, but his enemy pressed his advantage and threw him off balance, causing him to stumble back even further.

Naruto groaned as he got up to his feet, his eyes widening when he saw how close he was to the cliff's edge. Sensing danger behind him he brought up his sword just in time to stop his nemesis slicing off an arm, though his masked opponent continued to rain down blows relentlessly onto his sword.

After a quick counter swing of his sword his opponent disarmed him and sent his blue-hilted sword flying off the cliff behind him before slashing him across his right hand, causing the blonde hero to scream out in pain and drop to the ground.

"You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Do not let yourself be destroyed as so many have before you."

Gritting his teeth through the pain, Naruto crawled on his hands and knees towards the cliff's edge, clutching at a nearby tree for dear life.

His enemy slowly walked towards him, his sword covered in blood and refusing to be cleaned by the rain belting down on them.

Barely clinging onto the tree at the edge of the cliff, Naruto stared at his opponent with hatred in his eyes as he lowered his red-hilted sword. The pain in his arm flared up as he stared into the soulless mask of his enemy.

"There is no escape," said his nemesis, watching him frantically look around for a way out. "Don't make me destroy you."

As Naruto shuffled closer to the cliff, his enemy continued.

"Naruto…realise your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the world."

"I'll never join you!" yelled Naruto defiantly.

"If you only knew the power of evil! Jiraiya never told you what happened to Iruka."

Clutching at the tree with his good hand, Naruto gave his enemy a hateful glare. "He told me enough. He told me you killed him."

"No. I am Iruka."

The rain seemed to suddenly quieten down as the revelation struck Naruto like a smack to the face.

"No…no…that's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

"NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!"

Iruka continued to monologue at him, but Naruto couldn't hear anything besides white noise. He heard something resembling the same offer he had been given throughout the fight, but he did the only thing his body would let him do.

He let go of the tree and fell off the cliff's edge to the hazardous depths beneath.

oOoOoOo

By some miracle of fate, Naruto survived the fall and was washed ashore within hours of having fallen into the treacherous ocean. Despite the weight of the revelation pulling him down and making each step agonising, Naruto pulled himself back onto the grassy plateau that he had fought his old teacher on.

Within seconds Naruto felt his pain and anguish culminate in that single moment before his stomach churned violently and he buckled onto his knees and vomited onto the ground in front of him.

After a few moments he stopped spewing and regarded the disgusting waste. Looking into the chunks a revelation slammed into his brain and he began vomiting once again, his throat burning at the constant flow of bile that splattered onto the grass, forming a wide pool in front of him. Naruto could hear a strange upbeat cord running through his mind as he continued to produce ungodly amounts of vomit, so much so that it had started to move over his knees and feet and into the surrounding area.

Eventually Naruto's throat muscles gave in and he stopped, his body giving up all at once and collapsing into the pool of vomit.

Pick…pick yourself up…

The blonde hero frowned and brought his face up to see the floating face of his master. It looked like a hallucination, but Naruto wasn't about to argue as he grabbed at an outstretched hand and wrenched himself up onto his feet. His entire front was covered in vomit, but he didn't care about that as he took in his surroundings.

Off to the side of his position sat an oddly placed square rock, with a jewelled hilt that shone a bright green despite the stormy weather, leading down into the rock as if the rock had simply formed around the silvery blade.

Feeling the strength return to his legs, Naruto stepped through the pool of bile and onto the grass, letting the pouring rain clean him off as he made his way over to the stone.

There was something strange about the sword, and as he clutched his hand on the hilt he felt a bolt of electricity shoot through his body.

Yet surprisingly it didn't hurt one bit.

In a single fluid motion he pulled out the sword and held it towards the sky, hearing loud orchestral music as the triumph flowed through his body.

This is amazing! I feel incredible! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I can win! I feel great! I. Can. Do. This!

For a moment it appeared like the heavens themselves had divined that moment and Naruto turned around slowly to see his former teacher slowly walking towards him, his red-hilted sword at his side.

"It would seem we are fated to fight once more," he said with a dull mechanical tone.

Holding his newly acquired sword in hand, Naruto stared at Iruka with a mixture of despair and understanding. He didn't know what could have changed his old teacher so much, but there was one thing he knew for certain.

If he defeated him, his old teacher would be redeemed.

Iruka seemed to notice his newfound confidence with a tilt of his head, taking a moment to acknowledge his foe before moving with fluid expertise and slicing at his face. While he had no intention of killing his former student, he still attacked with the motion of killing.

With newly acquired speed, Naruto ducked under the blow and drove himself forward, getting a quick slice to Iruka's chest before leaping away to create some distance.

If his opponent knew of his breached defences he gave no indication as he moved towards Naruto once again like an automaton. His attacks seemed sluggish to Naruto as he ducked and weaved, scoring several blows to Iruka's armour before realising he had him outmatched in every way.

Jumping back several feet, Naruto lowered his blade and took in a long breath. "You were once my teacher, and you can be again. The real Iruka is in there somewhere, I can feel it."

"It's…too late for me…" said Iruka slowly, as if resisting some kind of force that quickly set him back up on the path of attacking his former student.

Seeing his attack as if it were in slow motion, Naruto let out a long sigh and side-stepped the blow, bringing up his newly acquired blade and slicing through his enemy's blade hand at the wrist, severing it completely.

Iruka made no sound as he reeled back from the blow, but Naruto quickly slashed at his chest, carving out a bloody letter N before driving his sword straight through Iruka's armour like it wasn't there and kicking him down to the ground.

"I am Ninjaman! Like my teacher was before me. Whatever evil force held you sway no longer has any power over you."

He pulled the sword out of his old teacher's chest and watched as Iruka's body moved from its aggressive state to a more passive one as he lay dying on the wet grass, rain still beating down on both of them.

Iruka coughed violently as Naruto dropped to his knees in front of his old teacher, throwing his green-hilted sword to the side.

There was no need for it anymore.

Struggling to reach up with his hands, his old teacher indicated to his face. "Naruto…help me take…this mask off…"

"But you'll die!"

"Nothing…can stop that now. One last time…let me…look on you…with my own eyes…"

Understanding his teacher's meaning, Naruto carefully undid the latches and removed the black mask from Iruka's face, revealing a sunken and damaged face. Through barely conscious eyes, Iruka smiled up at his old student.

"Now…leave me."

Naruto shook his head vigorously, "But I have to save you!"

"You…already have. You were right about me…tell your sister…you were right…"

With that said, Iruka's eyes became vacant and he died.

Naruto took a long breath and struggled to contain himself as he reached up and slowly closed his teacher's eyes, feeling he deserved at least that much dignity.

"Rest now, gentle soul. You're home."

Clutching Iruka's limp body in his arms, Naruto stared up at the rain pouring down onto him, feeling a maelstrom of emotions boil to the surface. Slowly putting his teacher's body onto the grass, he threw his arms up into the air and dropped onto his knees.

A helicopter flew above him loudly, drowning out his scream of anguish.

---

The others didn't say a word when Naruto returned to where they were staying, they understood their leader had been through something terrible and he would speak on it when he was ready.

As good as his word, Shikamaru had found the information he was looking for on the Evil Lord's minion. He lead them to a wrestling arena deep in the middle of the lower city, telling them to follow his lead.

It was nearly midnight when they reached their destination, a seemingly inconspicuous warehouse that had two giant guards standing at the entrance. They put up their hands to stop the five of them in their tracks.

Kiba clenched his fists as they came to a stop, "Do you want me to…"

"Don't be silly," said Tenten, crossing her arms over her bikini armour.

Shikamaru stepped forward, "I'll handle this." He regarded the guards with a smile, "Evening gentlemen."

"Password?" demanded one of them with a spit.

The Nara Kid thought about it for a moment before reaching into his pocket and producing a roll of bills. He began to take one off at a time, gauging the reactions of the guards before finally coming to a halt and handing them a large amount of money.

"Correct," said the first guard, the two of them moving out of the way and opening the door to let them in.

"That seemed easy enough," said Naruto with a grin as they walked into the arena. "How much more cash do we have on hand?"

Shikamaru shook his head; he wasn't going to reveal how much he had in a place like this.

"So who are we looking for?" asked Lee, not liking the look of the place they were heading into.

The corridor they were in led into a giant arena that roared with cheers as hundreds of people showed their affection for the competitors in the arena. Their group took their seats near the top and looked down to see two new competitors walk into the arena.

They each were accompanied by their trainers as they stepped into the arena and removed their robes. One wore a blue set of trunks that barely contained his mass, while the other red. The arena shook violently at each step, for each competitor clearly weighed in at more than 200 kilograms.

Shikamaru pointed down at the wrestler in the blue trunks, "That's our man."

Ninjaman looked down at the massive competitor, noticing the red swirls on his cheeks that clearly defined him as separate from his equally massive opponent. "That's one fat bastard."

"So what's the plan, boss?"

Naruto wasn't sure, a part of him wanted to just go down into the arena and beat the information out of him, but he knew that sometimes it was better to be patient. "We'll get him after the match. That way he'll be tired and it won't be so crowded."

"Seems reasonable," said Kiba, leaning back on his chair with a wild grin. "I've got fifty on our mark's opponent."

Tenten nudged him, "I'll take that action."

The five of them watched as the two sumo wrestlers did their pre-game performance before squaring off against each other. They appeared equal weight, but from the smirk on their mark's face, they probably weren't equal skill.

Their two massive stomachs slammed into each other with a loud smack as they tried to put each other onto the ground or out of the arena. For several moments it seemed like neither was going to give ground to the other, but that didn't last very long.

Using a single hand to keep his opponent at bay, their mark changed his leg position and placed his other hand in a position that men should never do in an honourable field of battle.

His opponent's face drained of colour as he regarded their mark with a pleading look, "Please…"

An evil grin came over their mark's face, "Not a chance."

They didn't need to watch what happened next. The scream made it fairly obvious.

Kiba let out a loud sigh and shook his head as Tenten punched her fist into the air and put her hand in front of him.

"Well that was quick," said General Lee. "Seems like our mark is a bit of a bastard."

As the winner of the match exited the arena to a mixture of cheers and boos, Naruto stood up from his seat and turned to go back the way we came. "Let's move."

The four of them looked up at him for a moment before all shrugging and following behind him without another word.

oOoOoOo

Akimichi Chouji groaned loudly and felt the strength in his legs waver as he struggled through his third bowel movement. Tears came unbidden on his eyes, an unfortunate side-effect of his manly physique.

A knock came onto his door, "You okay in there?"

"I'm…fine…" he muttered, clenching his hands on his legs.

"Okay man, I'm just saying: you've been in there a while."

Naruto and his group stepped into the backroom, before collectively blanching at the horrid smell that permeated through the area.

Kiba dropped to his knees and felt his stomach lurch, "Oh dear gods…what killed what to create such a smell…"

As they attempted to recover, a man wearing a full body black robe stepped in front of them and gave them the deepest of frowns. It made the purple puppeteer makeup on his face give him a frightening visage, though none of them were easily frightened.

"Who the hell are you?" he demanded with a loud voice.

Naruto stepped forward so he was face-to-face with him, "Who the hell are you?"

"I am the great Kankuro, master of the underworld! Now are you going to tell me why you are back here?"

The blonde hero pushed past the robe-wearing man out of the way and walked into the rest area, while Rock Lee knocked him out with a single blow to the stomach. Kankuro dropped to the ground and was unceremoniously stepped on as his group followed behind him.

Having heard the commotion from within his toilet, Chouji stumbled out into the rest area, shaking his head after the effort he had just been through. "The shit is going on here?"

He wore a simple loincloth, clearly demonstrated the rolls of fat on his gut. Tenten almost took a double-take; he had larger breasts than she did.

Chouji's eyes laid on Naruto and he froze in place, his expression changing to one of angry understanding. "You…"

"You know who I am?"

The fat wrestler snorted, "The Evil Lord warned me about you. Said you might be coming after the lovely little princess. Well you're too late. By now he's already had his way with her."

"You really are a bastard," said Tenten.

Chouji turned to her and his expression once again changed. The swirls on his cheeks stretched into a creepy smile as he winked at her and leaned on a nearby wall, "Ooo, you're a pretty one…aren't you? Do you find me sexy?"

The blacksmith wasn't able to entirely express how incorrect he was by her face, but he got the message as he turned back to their leader.

"What are you here for? I'm not telling you anything."

Ninjaman chuckled and clenched a fist slowly, "What makes you think you can stop me?"

"You aren't able to hurt me, hero. Nobody is." Chouji tapped his gigantic belly enthusiastically, letting the rolls rumble in a scarily intriguing fashion.

"This is a waste of time," said Rock Lee, behind him. He pulled back a fist and drove it into the sumo wrestler's side. To his surprise, his fist sunk into his rolls of fat and the force dissipated.

General Lee tried to pull out his hand, but the fat man's stomach refused to let him go.

"See? You can't touch me."

The general kept his cool, while Tenten pushed her way past her male allies and cracked her knuckles menacingly. "You men never did understand how to make someone truly suffer."

She smiled wickedly at the large wrestler and stood so close she could practically taste his breath. She was just as tall as Chouji, so she didn't have to stand on the tips of her toes as she leaned forward and whispered one single thing in his ear.

Immediately the fat man's expression changed to one of complete terror and his hands began to shake. Tenten stood back and nodded to Lee, who made a single pull and wrenched his hand out of Chouji's side. "Now…where is the Evil Lord?"

Chouji grimaced at the sound of her voice and bowed his head as if hearing it was pain enough. "He's got an army camped out in a warehouse down on the End Road."

Naruto turned to his female companion, his face showing his surprise, "That was easy."

"You just need to be able to apply the right amount of pressure," said the blacksmith with an evil grin.

The fat wrestler sunk to his knees, causing the ground to shake as he was unable to contain his fear of the scantily-clad warrior.

"I think you've seriously messed him up," said Kiba, leaning down to look at the fallen wrestler.

Rock Lee went to kick him for trying to take his hand, but hesitated when he remembered how well that had gone the last time. "Who cares? We have what we need."

Naruto knelt down in front of the fallen wrestler, ignoring the fact that his female companion evidently had far more power than he had originally suspected. "How many men does he have?"

"Hundreds…thousands…I don't know…" He began to blubber uncontrollably, "Please…just let me go…I don't want to eat any more babies…"

The blonde hero stood back up onto his feet, "We aren't going to get anything more from him."

"You have a scary power, girl," said Shikamaru, thoroughly impressed with how the whole had been worked out. "We might be able to do this after all."

Tenten shook her finger at him, "That's a one-off."

"What's the next move, boss?" asked Kiba, now ignoring the whimpering Chouji like the rest of them.

Ninjaman grinned widely at his four companions, "We go save the day."

---

The five of them stood in the middle of a completely empty white room, each wearing a long black overcoats and black sunglasses with their arms crossed over their chests.

Naruto brought up a cell phone to his ear, "We're almost ready."

Is there anything you need?

The blonde hero gave his group members a look for a moment before nodding at Shikamaru.

"Guns. Lots of guns."

He put the phone in his pocket and waited as rows and rows of weaponry shot past them out of nowhere and filled the white space. Most of the group waited for the weapon racks to come to a halt, though Kiba couldn't hold in his surprise and reached out to grab at one. He was struck by a stack of metal and sent spinning into the ground, groaning as he struggled to stand up.

"Shut up…" he said at the group's smiles.

Finally the racks came to a stop and the five of them were surrounded by every weapon imaginable. None of them questioned the appearance of the weapons, each going to their own areas to arm themselves for the coming battle.

Rock Lee was positively giddy at the arsenal in front of him, filling the six holsters on his legs with high powered Desert Eagles before moving to the more interesting weaponry. He had to resist drooling at the prospects as he hefted a mini grenade launcher and clasped it to his belt.

They had no idea what kind of resistance to expect, and General Rock Lee was not one for underestimating his opponents.

With that in mind, he found the section of mini-Nukes and started stringing them across his chest.

With his magic powers, Kiba didn't need any particular weaponry, but he felt he needed to maintain some kind of visual prowess in comparison to his comrades. Once he activated his super strength, his stylish overcoat would be replaced with his 'regular' outfit, and that simply would not do.

Making his way through the aisles, Kiba noticed a section of armour that was rather appealing. With nothing better to do, he grabbed a pair of black armoured gauntlets with spikes on the knuckles. They fit his hands like they were designed for him, and a single check assumed him that they stayed on despite his change in outfit.

Nodding to himself, Kiba decided he was ready.

Shikamaru wasn't sure what he was meant to do with all the weapons in front of him; he wasn't a direct fighter in any capacity. He knew it would be smart to take something, even the smartest person in the world needed to get his hands dirty at some point.

Staring down the long racks of weapons, Shikamaru noticed something that caught his eye. He made his way down towards them and clasped his hands around a small circular device.

"Curious…"

"What'd you find?" asked an approaching Naruto, having armed himself with a pair of katana on his back and a super-powered pistol.

Shikamaru held the device in his hand and showed it to his leader, "Iocane. A colourless, odourless poison that is tasteless and dissolves instantly in liquid."

"Sounds pleasant."

The Nara Kid nodded, "What do you expect? It's from Australia after all."

Naruto chuckled in agreement, "Sounds about right."

The others of the group came up to them and gave Naruto their readiness. He acknowledged them and took a step back to regard his fully armed and operational group.

"We need a name," said Kiba after a few moments of silence. "Something manly."

"That wouldn't help your problem," said a grinning Shikamaru.

Kiba ignored him and turned to their leader, "How about Polar Bear Lion Group?"

They all stared at him for a moment before each shaking their heads and tightening their group so that he wasn't included.

"What about Lionel Masters?" asked Rock Lee.

"No, no, we should be the Beings of Darkness," said Tenten with a wild grin.

"Perhaps Monsieur Sunflowers…"

Naruto clapped his hands together to get their attention, "I've got it. It suits our group perfectly, and most of all it doesn't sound like any of those stupid names."

He nodded to each member individually, grateful that they had chosen to accompany him on such a terrifying journey.

"We are the Golden Dragons."

---

Naruto kicked in the door with a satisfying crunch and walked into the warehouse in slow-motion, with The Golden Dragons following behind him in a long battle line.

However when they arrived, all they saw was a mostly empty warehouse with sound and lighting equipment strewn across the concrete floor. All the cameras were pointed at a section to the east of the warehouse, where a loud crowd had gathered.

"What the hell is going on?" asked a very confused Lee, lowering the pistols in his hands.

Naruto shrugged and turned to his group, putting his arm up to hold them back. "I'll check it out. Wait here."

With nothing else to do, The Golden Dragons waited at the entrance as Naruto trotted towards the crowd, noticing that they were standing in a circle and there were two fold-out chairs at the front.

Sitting in one of the chairs was the Evil Lord, drinking from a coconut in a large sun hat.

"Is…this in the script?" asked Naruto, placing a cautious hand on the free fold-out chair.

The dark haired antagonist looked up at him for a moment before waving him over with a wide smile, "Ah! Glad you could make it. Take a seat!"

Seeing nothing else to do, Naruto shrugged and sat down, finally seeing what everyone was crowded around to watch. In the centre of the crowd was a dug-out arena covered by a thick layer of mud.

And in the arena, was the Princess of the Kingdom, clad in a golden bikini, struggling to pick herself up from the wet surface.

Opposite her was a similarly clad pink-haired woman who charged towards her and wrestled the Princess down back into the mud, wrapping her long legs around her chest.

"This wasn't on any schedule I saw," said Naruto, turning to Sasuke with a confused look.

The Uchiha clan leader smirked and reached over to the side to produce a bucket of popcorn, offering it to his compatriot. "DVD extras, apparently."

Naruto stared at him for a moment before accepting the popcorn and staring down at the two wrestling women in the pit. "Sounds good. Got anything to wash it down?"

Sasuke threw him a beer and popped open his own, letting out a satisfying ah.

"Are you ready for tonight?"

The antagonist let out a long breath through his teeth, "I'm not thrilled at the idea, I won't lie to you."

"Oh come on, they are going to love you!" said Naruto enthusiastically, watching as Hinata flipped her opponent onto her back and began bending her arms behind her back.

"I want it said that I still think this is a bad idea. Meeting your parents isn't something I look forward to."

Naruto sighed and leaned forward on his folding chair, "Sasuke, this is something we have to do. My sister didn't have an issue with you."

"That's because she's sleeping with my brother!" Sasuke threw up his hands in exasperation, "You aren't going to let this go, are you?"

The blonde hero reached over and gently pushed his fingers into the antagonist's hand, "Sasuke, my parents should meet my fiancé. I know it's going to be difficult, but we made a promise to be together."

Sasuke sighed, of course he was right. "Fine, fine. Is Naruko going to be there?"

"I suspect so. She apparently has an announcement to make."

"Yeah, Itachi told me the other night. They didn't waste much time. Apparently it's twins."

"Big shock there. You didn't grow up with her."

'That bad?" asked Sasuke, hearing the crowd cheer loudly as Hinata ripped off Sakura's bikini accidently before slipping on the mud and having the pink-haired fighter tear off her own in response.

"I still have nightmares of the top bunk shaking violently and her moans echoing through the room."

"No wonder you are gay," said a smiling Sasuke.

Naruto shoved him in the shoulder, "You don't have an excuse, Mister Tiny Dancer."

The Uchiha warrior gave him a scary look, "You said you wouldn't call me that in front of other people. Don't make me bring out the photos again."

Naruto barked out a laugh and put up his hands in surrender, "Okay, okay. Fair enough."

oOoOoOo

Naruto kicked in the door with a satisfying crunch and walked into the warehouse in slow-motion, with The Golden Dragons following behind him in a long battle line.

As they'd expected, inside was the Evil Lord and his army of minions. The bad guy himself wore a robe of pure darkness and held a terrifying look in his red eyes. His minions all appeared to look the same, wearing identical shirts coloured in red and each staring at his Golden Dragons with cocky looks.

Naruto's eyes locked onto his enemy's and a loud bass sound echoed through the chosen battlefield.

Just as he was about to start his monologue, a crew member accidently walked into the shot, throwing Sasuke off of his scene and causing him to go red with anger.

He walked up to the vacant-looking crew member and shoved him violently, "I'm gonna kick your f***in ass! I want you off the f***in set, you prick!"

"I'm sorry," muttered the crew member.

"No, don't just be sorry! Think for one f***in second! What the f*** are you doing? Are you professional or not?"

"Yes, I am."

Sasuke stamped his foot, "Do I f***in walk around and rip down…No, shut the f*** up, Steve! Do I walk…NO! Nnno! Don't shut me up!"

"I'm not shutting you up."

"Am I gonna walk around and rip your f***in lights down? In the middle of a scene? Then why the f*** are you walking right through?" He pranced around the crew member in a re-creative demonstration. "Oh, dah-dah, dah-dah, like this in the background? You got any f***in idea about, hey, it's f***in distracting having somebody walking up behind Gus in the middle of the f***in scene? Gimme a f***in answer! What don't you get about it?"

The crew member pointed to a part outside the set, "I was looking at the light."

"Ohhhh, gooooood for you! And how was it? I hope it was f***in good, because it's useless now, isn't it?"

The crew member simply nodded fearfully, "Okay."

Sasuke shook his head in disbelief, "F***'s sake, man, you're amateur. Naruto, you have f***in something to say to this prick?"

At the other side of the set, Naruto shook his head, clearly used to rants such as this, "I didn't see it happen."

"Well, somebody should be f***in watching him and keeping an eye on him," he said, throwing his arms up in the air.

"Fair enough," said Naruto with a shrug.

"It's the second time that he doesn't give a f***. About what is going on in front of the camera. Alright? I'm trying to f***in do a scene her and I'm going 'Why the f*** is John walking in there? What is he doing there?'" He turned back to the crew member with fury in his red eyes, "Do you understand, my mind is not in the scene if you're doing that."

"I absolutely apologise. I'm sorry, I did not mean anything by it."

He reached over and shoved the crew member, "Stay off the f***in set, man. For f***'s sake. Right, let's go again. No, let's not take a f***in minute, let's go again! And let's not have you f***in walking in! Can I have Clare put this on, please?"

Naruto turned to the other crew members around the set, "Clare, wardrobe, please. Can I have Clare, wardrobe?"

"You're unbelievable, man. You're un-f***in-believable. Number of times you're strolling a-f***in-round in the background. I've never had a crew member behave like this." He noticed the confused look on his face with growing anger, "Ahhhh, you don't f***in understand what it's like working with actors, that's what that is."

"No, that's not…"

"That's what that is man. I'm telling you! I'm not asking, I'm telling you. You wouldn't have done that otherwise."

The crew member shook his head quickly, "No, what it is…is looking at the light, and making sure that you were…"

Sasuke turned and kicked a nearby trash can violently, "I'm gonna f***in kick your f***in ass! If you don't shut up for a second, alright?"

"Sasuke…Sasuke…Sasuke…Sasuke…it's cool, it's cool…"

"I'm gonna go, you want me to f***in trash your lights? Do you want me to f***in trash them? Then why are you trashing my scene?"

"I'm not trying to trash…"

"You are trashing my scene! You do it one more f***in time, and I ain't walking on this set if you're still hired. I'm f***in serious. You're a nice guy! You're a nice guy! But that don't f***in cut it when you're bulls***in and f***in around like this on set!"

"I got it," said Naruto, stepping towards his counterpart. "I know, I get it."

Sasuke jabbed a finger at the crew member, "Yeah, you might get it, he doesn't f***in get it! You might. He! Does! Not! Get it!"

"I know. Good adjustments, okay?" reassured Naruto. "For real. Honestly, I get it. Just walk for five seconds, just for five seconds."

"No, I don't need any f***in walking! He needs to stop walking!"

"I get that," said Naruto.

Sasuke shook his head violently, "I ain't the one walking! Let's get Clare and put this back on, let's go again." He gave the crew member one final death glare, "Seriously, man, you and me…we're f***in done professionally. F***in ass."

oOoOoOo

Naruto kicked in the door with a satisfying crunch and walked into the warehouse in slow-motion, with The Golden Dragons following behind him in a long battle line.

As they'd expected, inside was the Evil Lord and his army of minions. The bad guy himself wore a robe of pure darkness and held a terrifying look in his red eyes. His minions all appeared to look the same, wearing identical shirts coloured in red and each staring at his Golden Dragons with cocky looks.

Naruto's eyes locked onto his enemy's and a loud bass sound echoed through the chosen battlefield.

"There is nowhere to hide, you evil bastard. We are here for the princess!"

The Evil Lord grinned malevolently at him, motioning with his hand as a minion came to the front of the pack. In his arms was the squirming form of the princess, her hands and legs bound by rope and a rag stuffed into her mouth. She wore an outrageous golden bikini that seemed to struggle to hold in her famous breasts. Her pure white eyes stared at Ninjaman with a pleading look, though they were hardened when she saw the sheer confidence oozing out of the Golden Dragons.

Uchiha Sasuke nodded his head and the princess was taken away, unable to do much more than wait for her inevitable rescue. "You have come at a good time, Ninjaman. My army has just been completed."

He indicated to a row of red shirt-wearing minions, "Allow me to introduce my ultimate team of evil bastards." The first minion grinned as he motioned towards him, "This is Blade." He turned to the next one, "Laser." Taking a side step, he indicated to the one beside him, "…Blazer."

The Evil Lord looked over at his army, realising that those were the only names he actually remembered. Giving an indifferent shrug, he turned back to the Golden Dragons, "The others you will get to know rather well over the next little while."

The Golden Dragons appeared unimpressed by his display; though Naruto was confused at the overwhelming confidence the Evil Lord was demonstrating.

He knew he had to have some kind of leverage that gave him power over them, but for the life of him he couldn't understand what he had.

"Ah, I suppose you came here for a specific reason," said the Evil Lord, waving his hand to another minion. After a few moments a minion broke through the group, a pale-looking man in his hands. The man was clearly beaten and had been a prisoner for a long time, though there was a creepy-looking smile on his face like he didn't know what else to do.

The minion handed the prisoner over to the Evil Lord and gave him a deep bow before taking his place back in the group.

Sasuke gripped the prisoner for only a moment before dropped him violently to the ground, smiling triumphantly.

"He isn't one of mine," said Naruto, not even sure where the odd-looking man came from.

"Ah, well that changes things," said the Evil Lord, grabbing the prisoner by the scruff of his shirt and bringing him up to his face.

The prisoner smiled at him with an emotionless expression, seemingly unable to do anything else.

"Hi, my name is Sai. Is the fact that you have an incestuous relationship with your brother and an unhealthy obsession with your own family the reason for your inferiority complex?"

Sasuke frowned deeply and moved the prisoner so he could see Ninjaman across from him, "You sure he isn't one of yours?"

"Positive."

"Oh well," said the Evil Lord. A minion came to his side quickly and handed him a short sword.

Sai's expression didn't change, though he eyed the blade with interest. "Ah, a fine example of craftsmanship. A leather bound hilt assists the grip and the tempered steel allows for the finest of edges. I would recommend going for the base of the neck, with a blade like that you could remove the head in a single blow."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and dropped his prisoner to the ground before swiftly taking his head from his shoulders. His body slumped to the ground while the head sat in a pool of blood and stared at him with the same soulless expression as before.

Resisting the urge to shiver at the creepiness of the situation, Sasuke handed the blade back to his minion. "Clean up!"

A squadron of minions appeared out of nowhere and disposed of the body rapidly, scrubbing and cleaning the floor with fervour. One concentrated on removing a single spot of blood on the Evil Lord's shoe, before being unceremoniously kicked away once Sasuke decided he had waited enough.

"Are we going to do this or what?" demanded Ninjaman, sick of waiting. He couldn't see the Princess anymore, but he knew she was nearby. The only way he was going to be able to rescue her, would be to go through the Evil Lord and his forces.

Sasuke gave a tsk and crossed his arms over his chest. It was clear he was just as annoyed as his nemesis, but the Evil Lord had an advantage that Naruto did not.

Numbers.

oOoOoOo

As the minions charged towards the Golden Dragons, their red shirts wavered as the sound of their feet hitting the ground was nearly deafening.

Before the others could make a move, Rock Lee took a step forward and removed his two pistols from their holsters.

"General?"

"I've got this," said the military leader to Ninjaman, motioning for them to stand back.

The minions charged at him with a variety of bladed weaponry, but Rock Lee wasn't concerned about their numbers or obvious training.

He took a step forward and flicked the safeties off.

"Control art restriction system released to second level. Situation A. Cromwell approval is in effect. Releasing power restriction until the target has been silenced."

His face screwed up into a mask of concentration as he began the first stage of his attack. Letting the first minion come into his warpath, Lee pushed his pistol into his face and pulled the trigger, punching a hole through his face with the bullet. He slipped past the falling body and held his other pistol across his chest, firing a shot into a nearby minion and blowing him away.

The red shirts seemed to hesitate after seeing how effortlessly he took down their first two minions, but Rock Lee wasn't about to let them regroup.

Launching off his feet, he landed in the midst of a large group of minions and rapidly began firing his pistols in a deliberate pattern, his movements allowing him to easily dodge the blades trying to cut him while he continued to fire his pistols and take them out without prejudice.

Within minutes dozens of the Evil Lord's minions lay dead on the warehouse floor, with General Rock Lee standing in the middle of a mountain of corpses riddled with bullet holes, not a single scratch on him.

As no minions came at him for fear of being shot, Rock Lee took the moment to reload his pistols, ignoring the fact that he had shot far more bullets from his pistols than they were normally able to fire without reloading.

"Seems a bit overkill, don't you think?" said Kiba with a low chuckle.

Lee looked around for a moment before biting off the pin of a grenade and dropping onto the corpses, leaping back just enough to stand out of the blast radius.

"No. That is overkill," pointed out Tenten. "I'm changing you to a yes, military boy."

"Later," said the general, tapping his feet on the ground to get his footing. His eyes focused on a figure at the back of the remaining minions, "He is here."

The other Golden Dragons stared at him curiously; it wasn't like the general to act so strangely.

Seemingly aware that he had been noticed, the figure the general had been staring at came out of the group and stood against the military genius. He looked like a taller and older version of Rock Lee, the similarities were frightening. They appeared to wear the same outfits and even appeared to walk the same way.

"You came…" said the green-clad figure ominously. "How long has it been?"

Rock Lee threw away his pistols; there was no need for such a thing now. He took a step forward and breathed out slowly.

"Father. We must settle this once and for all."

Maito Gai nodded slowly and took a step towards his son, "That is true."

The others stood back, it was clear this was their fight.

They walked towards each other until they were within an arms' reach of each other, staring each other down with hatred only a family dispute could inspire.

Producing a coin from his belt, Gai indicated to his son with a nod, "The old way?"

"Tails," called Rock Lee, watching as the taller man flicked the coin into the air and let it fall onto the ground with a clank.

Looking down at the result, Gai gave no reaction beyond putting his hands at his side and standing with his legs far apart. Taking a few steps back, Rock Lee gauged the distance to his target with expert eyes.

Taking two long steps forward, Rock Lee brought up his foot in between Gai's legs and the scene appeared to freeze. All the observers including the females winced in agony, with some of the more manly observers having to look away to stop themselves from experiencing the pain. As the scene unfroze and the connection was made, the ground seemed to shake under the weight of what was happening, and Gai immediately fell back and grabbed at his lower half with a clear show of how much pain he was in.

For a few moments it seemed like it was going to be over from that first blow, but after nearly a minute his father stood up and straightened himself out, though it was clear he had suffered some damage.

"I would have been disappointed if you had fallen after just that."

"You…have much to learn, my son."

With a longer run-up than Rock Lee had, Gai charged forward and drove his foot into the waiting gap between Lee's legs. It had an even greater effect on the observers and the ground around them, and Lee was sent into a spin of pure agony. His legs wavered under him and threatened to buckle, but Lee refused to lose after having come so far.

Trying to ignore the blinding pain in his nether-region, General Rock Lee of the Northern Armies centred his breathing and brought himself back from the brink of despair.

"Impressive…" muttered Gai, taking the open stance once again. "But you cannot defeat me."

Rock Lee swore under his breath and steadied his footing. From that one exchange he could tell that in a straight-out shoot he wasn't going to be able to defeat his father, as he said.

However he didn't become a general by playing by the rules.

Tapping the back of his foot without giving an indication of what he was doing, Rock Lee's face clearly showed how much damage he had taken as he prepared for his next strike.

Gai smirked as he saw his son preparing to kick him; he knew that there was no chance of his son defeating him. He wrote the book on this type of combat.

Lee walked up to his father and stopped, not taking the run-up that he was justifiably allowed to take, staring his enemy straight in the eye.

"Not going to take the run-up?" asked an interested Gai.

"Not gonna need it."

Swinging his leg back up so far that it nearly tapped the back of his head, Lee swung his leg straight into Gai's crotch, the impact seemingly not making any initial impact. However there was a quiet click from his foot, and Gai's face changed to pure terror as he realised what was about to happen.

"Clever girl…"

The explosion on the end of Lee's foot detonated and sent his father flying into the roof, his eyes nearly bursting out of his face in pain and his body stuck in permanent rigor mortis.

Pulling back his damaged foot, Rock Lee turned back and gave a customary thumbs up to his companions. Bent over on their knees was the other three men of the group, throwing up violently in response to the horrors that they had seen. Even Tenten's face was screwed up in horror.

After holding his pose for as long as he could, the damage from the battle struck him completely and he fell to the ground, unable to move his legs.

His battle was done.

oOoOoOo

Tenten crossed her arms and waited as the minions hesitated to move against her. She had sensed him since they had entered the warehouse, and it should be clear by her visage that he wasn't going to escape her this time.

"Come out," she said at a low growl. "You have to face me."

The minions parted to reveal a man standing at the back of the warehouse, trying to hide his nervousness behind a cloth mask hiding most of his face.

A cruel smirk came across Tenten's face, "Found you."

The warrior took a step back and put his shaking hands up, "Hey…um…I wasn't expecting you to be here. Do we really need to do this here? In front of all these people?"

Tenten started walking towards him, each step causing more of the minions to move back away from her warpath. "Oh no, we're doing this. Right here. Right now."

"Honey…baby…I swore I was going to come back at some point." He went to remove the headband that was covering one of his eyes, but stopped himself when he saw the terrifying look she was giving him.

Before he could react properly, Tenten shot forward and grabbed the top of his head, clutching his silver hair in her hand and bringing him down to his knees.

She leaned forward and gave him her best attempt at a sweet smile, "Love you too, babe."

Kakashi tried to struggle, but she kept him in an iron grip and began dragging him towards the entrance by the hair on his head.

The Evil Lord's minions didn't stop her from taking him, though the other members of the Golden Dragons were a little bit perplexed by the fact that she didn't have to do any fighting at all.

"I'll stay home for a week…a month…as long as you want!" begged Kakashi, but Tenten ignored him and threw him out of the entrance, blowing a kiss to the minions behind her before walking out to join him.

"The children are waiting, dear."

oOoOoOo

As Naruto and Sasuke waited for their groups to complete their own battles, Kiba felt himself getting impatient at the scene unfolding in front of him. He wanted to join in the battle, but there was clearly no need for him as no opponent had yet appeared that was worth his time.

The Evil Lord let out a small groan at his minions being taken out so easily, turning to a part of his group. "White Lotus, you're up."

Out of the sea of red shirt came a tall man wearing a white robe with an arrogant smile on his face. His eyes betrayed his relevance to the plot as he grinned manically at the heroes.

"Who's that bastard?" asked Kiba, clearly seeing the change in his leader's expression upon seeing such a foe.

Ninjaman snarled and took a step forward, "A traitorous bastard. One who needs to have reality beaten into him slowly and methodically."

Before their leader could step any further, Kiba put his hand on his shoulder to pull him back. "He will, don't you worry. But you need to save your strength for the big bad guy."

He clenched his fists and changed his outfit, feeling the genie-empowered strength flow through his veins. His opponent burst out laughing at his appearance, but Kiba didn't care. By the way his enemy held himself he could tell this was someone worth fighting.

This wasn't a time for names, or dramatic duels at sundown.

"You really think you can beat me?" said a cocky Hyuuga Neji, putting his hands at his sides like he didn't even need to take a defensive stance.

Kiba grinned and bared his fangs at his opponent as the others made way for their fight. "I'm going to beat you into the ground and grind your bones."

"You will try."

With their monologues out of the way, Kiba charged at his opponent and unleashed a wild swing at his head. Neji simply moved the minimum distance out of the way and reached out with his fingers, lightly tapping several points along the animalistic warrior's arm.

His enemy snarled again and lashed out with his other hand, which the white-eyed enemy deftly avoided by jumping back.

Kiba tried to bring up his arm to strike at his enemy again, but found his muscles unresponsive. He tried to move it again, but nothing seemed to work. "You bastard! What did you do to my arm?"

"A simple thing, something a barbarian like you couldn't possibly understand."

Shaking his head to get himself back into the game, Kiba stamped his foot and re-centred himself. The pigtails flew behind his head as his rage built; he'd never met an opponent he couldn't pound.

Unwilling to let his opponent play his mind tricks, Kiba stepped towards him with violence in his mind. He tried to punch his opponent with his still used hand, but once again Neji got out of the way.

The white-eyed fighter tried to repeat his trick, but Kiba dropped his hand and spun around with his leg in an attempt to collect his opponent in the head.

However before his high heel could touch Neji, the traitor stepped forward to neutralise the strike and pushed a hand into his chest, sending him flying into a nearby wall.

Kiba doubled over and coughed blood onto the ground, feeling his strength quickly vanish from his body. His outfit hadn't disappeared, which meant he was still under his 'curse', but something was different.

He felt powerless.

Neji scoffed at the image of his fallen enemy, keeping his arrogant smile on his face. "This is just comical. Not only do you look ridiculous, but you are powerless to resist me."

Kiba snarled and tried to get back on his feet. "I will kill you if it's the last thing I do."

"Please. You couldn't kill a baby. Why don't you run home like a little girl?"

He walked slowly towards his fallen prey, preparing his hands to give the killing blow.

As he tried to pick himself up, Kiba could hear the voices in his head reminding him of all the times he had been mocked by his enemies and friends alike.

The voices became almost deafening as he got back onto his feet. Neji stepped in close and raised his arms, ready to finish the job.

Feeling his rage reach a devastating crescendo, Kiba shot forward and surprised his opponent, who was unable to do anything as the strength ran through his arms once again.

In a single motion Kiba grabbed at the traitor's arms and crushed them at the elbows by closing his hands. Neji screamed out in pain as Kiba took a step back and began winding up his hand for the final blow.

The white-eyed traitor looked at him with pure terror written all over his face. He saw Kiba's hand and understood exactly what was about to happen.

He tried to put up his hands in defence, but with his arms broken there was no way for him to stop inevitability.

"Not…not in the face…" he pleaded.

Kiba shrugged and slammed his fist into the traitor's crotch, sending him crashing down into the ground.

"Thank…you…" he said before the pain caused him to black out.

The winner stood up on top of his enemy's body and put up his hands in triumph.

His roar echoed throughout the warehouse, letting everyone know that he was a real man.

oOoOoOo

The Nara Kid didn't bother sullying his hands with the fighting of lesser men. Even since arriving at the warehouse, there had been a terrible feeling sitting in his stomach, and it became obvious what the source was when Rock Lee had broken through their ranks.

Sitting in front of a small table was a young man, wearing a light brown robe that accentuated his bright red hair. He had dark rings around his eyes and had a tattoo of the word love stamped on his forehead.

Shikamaru breathed through his teeth and slowly walked towards his chosen foe. Any minion that tried to attack him was taken out by Kiba's rampage, as the General was still down from the damage from his own fight, and the blacksmith had seemingly disappeared completely.

The young man noticed him approaching and reached down to the side of the table.

"I wasn't sure you would come," said Gaara.

Taking a seat at the other side of the table, Shikamaru glared at the young man with controlled anger.

"It was only a matter of time until we came face to face once again. This time will be different."

Gaara placed the board on the table and began laying out the pieces. "I doubt that."

Looking down at the pieces on the board, Shikamaru considered his options and made a new plan. "How about we change the stakes?"

Gaara picked up one piece from each side and held them in closed fists in front of his opponent, "Like the gamers of old? So be it. You cannot defeat me."

Shikamaru tapped a fist, revealing a white pawn. He smiled in triumph and began planning his method of attack. His opponent leaned forward and crossed his hands over his chest.

Just as Shikamaru went to move his pawn forward, Gaara looked into his eyes. "How many years have you spent inside that bottle?"

The Nara Kid ignored him and moved his pawn up two spaces.

Almost immediately Gaara moved in response, and the game was on.

Several minutes into the battle, Shikamaru took the first casualty. His knight made a deft move and removed one of Gaara's pawns, swinging the battle in his favour.

"I see you've improved since we last fought."

Gaara glared at him and hovered his hand over his queen. "I beat you then, and I'll beat you now."

He went to take Shikamaru's knight.

"F**ked your sister," taunted the Nara Kid.

His opponent's eyes widened in shock and he glared at Shikamaru, "You did not."

A terrible grin came over the Golden Dragon's face, "Ask her. She'll tell you. Did you not wonder why her kid has a black ponytail?"

His taunt caused the young man to reconsider his move, and the Nara Kid could already see the cracks forming.

The game continued.

As Shikamaru had dreamt about, the battle was as close as what was possible in chess. They each attempted to psych each other out, both touching on hard points in their lives.

Leaning back in his chair, Shikamaru took a moment to see the whole board. It was unclear several moments ago, but with Gaara's last move he could see the play. The play he'd been working towards most of his life since it had been ruined by the very man he was now once again facing.

Taking a long breath, he placed a hand on his castle.

"Steeeeeveeeee Perry!"

Shikamaru ignored the taunt and moved his castle into position, feeling a grand sense of relief that he was finally in the end game.

Gaara snarled and went to move one of his pieces, but Shikamaru reached over and grasped his wrist. Turning over his hand, Shikamaru revealed a white pawn in his opponent's hand. "Don't think you can pull the same thing as last time."

His enemy snarled as the Nara Kid slowly placed his pawn back onto the table. "This is the old way. Anything goes."

"True. But if you get caught cheating, then it isn't the old way at all. It's just stupid."

He pointed to the remaining black pieces, "Now make your move."

His opponent moved his pieces in the way Shikamaru had suspected as the Nara Kid positioned his pieces for the final strike. It was clear from the look on the young man's face that he could see what Shikamaru had been planning all along, and there was no way to stop it any more.

Taking a single moment to grin before moving his bishop into position, Shikamaru stared at his opponent in triumph. "Checkmate."

Gaara's eyes covered the board frantically, trying to find a way out. He shook his head violently, unable to believe that he'd been beaten.

"No…no, no, no, no, no."

The Nara Kid slowly rose from the chess table, feeling the weight of responsibility lifted from his chest. "You have lost."

"NOOOO!"

Gaara screamed out before bursting into hundreds of silver coins. They clashed loudly with each other as they struck the floor, though Shikamaru wasn't surprised at the resolution.

How else was he going to fuel his drinking?

Retrieving a bag from his belt, the Nara Kid began collecting his due.

oOoOoOo

"You don't seriously think evil can win, do you?" asked Naruto of his opponent. "Look around you, your forces are falling apart at the seams."

Sasuke shrugged in response, "They are just minions. There are plenty more of those in the world."

"And we'll crush them underfoot, same as these. Face it, you are through."

A slow evil grin came over Sasuke face as he reached across his belt and slowly removed a jet black sword from his belt. "You know nothing, Uzumaki Naruto."

He flourished the blade in front of his chest and began to force his power into it.

"Bankai."

A massive circle of pure black energy enveloped The Evil Lord, drawing in all the light and happiness in the world into that single point. Everyone that was fighting in the area stopped and watched in with a mixture of awe and despair as it collapsed into itself before finally turning completely into the standing form of The Evil Lord.

His outfit had changed slightly to be more ragged and dark in colour, with a long black cloak attached to his shoulders with a red inside. In his hands was a pair of black blades, one longer than the other by half and wicked sharp by comparison.

Clutching the pair of blades with expertise, Sasuke held an offensive stance and stared at Naruto.

"Tensa Susanoo."

Naruto cocked his head to the side in response, "I'll admit, that was impressive."

"Why does it sound like you are being sarcastic?"

The blonde hero grinned slowly and took a stance, closing his fists and putting them at his sides.

"Is that a fact? Tell me…does a fool like yourself even experience fear?"

He began to grit his teeth and yell loudly, the force of it causing the ground to start to shake underneath their feet. His yelling became louder as a golden aura slowly began to appear around his body, amplified by his yelling.

The combatants around them stopped their battles again, clearly distracted by their mutual power-ups.

Naruto's chest began to get larger as the glow began to get brighter, and his yelling reached almost deafening levels. As his power reached a critical mass, Naruto let out a final roar and covered the area with bright light as he completed his transformation.

Unshielding his eyes from the scene, Sasuke watched as Naruto regained a normal stance. His hair stood up on its end and his eyes had changed from blue to bright green, with a light golden glow around his entire body. A cocky smirk sat on the hero's face.

Sasuke lowered his blades and looked up and down at his enemy, "All that yelling and all you did was gain a little glow? That's hardly an impressive transformation."

"No, see here," said Naruto, reaching up and holding one of his spikes of hair in his fingers. "It's gotten a lot closer to gold than its normal blonde. And it got a little bit longer too."

"So what are you, a Super Moron?"

Naruto's smirk grew wider, "I'm a Super Ninjaman."

Sasuke just shook his head, "You're an idiot."

Super Ninjaman clenched a fist and pointed it at his sworn enemy, "I hereby vow that I will defeat you and save the princess from your grasp."

Just as he finished his vow, Sasuke seemed to disappear right in front of him. Naruto's eyes widened, but before he could react he found one of the Evil Lord's blades at his throat.

"And just how do you plan on doing that?"

The blonde hero hesitated only for a moment before grabbing at Sasuke's wrist and turning the blade away from his throat, jumping away to avoid the Evil Lord's second blade.

He landed carefully and a smirk came onto his face, "Don't think I'm as easy as the little boys you always go for. I'm the real deal."

Sasuke snorted at his claim and dived straight at him.

Within their own minds it became a contest of wills as they rained blows on one another at extremely fast speeds. Sasuke's blades tore the hero's clothes to shreds and started to enact a death by a thousand cuts, while Naruto's punches and kicks were unavoidable and broke muscle and bone at every contact.

Each movement demanded a response, each blow required a counter, and their battle was as even as it could possibly be while they both sustained massive damage.

To the outside observers, however, it was a different matter altogether.

The Evil Lord's blades were sheathed at his side as he stood still and waited with his eyes closed.

Super Ninjaman stood in the same manner, though his 'Super' glow remained despite the lack of power being utilised at that moment.

For several minutes they battled with their minds, each performing terrible attacks and counters that threatened to tear each other's minds apart. The last of the Evil Lord's minions were taken out by Naruto's Golden Dragons and they then waited for him to complete his battle.

They had no business involving themselves in their duel to the death.

At the same time in their minds, their battle reached a dramatic conclusion.

Sasuke spun away from a wide kick from his enemy and drove one of his blades into the hero's stomach, taking a moment to grin in triumph before bringing up his other blade and removing his head from his shoulders, letting his body sag to the ground.

Naruto, on the other hand, kicked away one of the blades of his opponent and ducking under a slash and kicking his opponent into the air. Reaching out to grab his chest, Naruto flipped him around and took a low stance, bringing his opponent crashing down onto his knee. The Evil Lord's spine snapped and he was able to cough up blood once before his entire form collapsed onto the ground.

The two opponents opened their eyes at the same time and regarded each other, assured of their inevitable victory.

"I guess it was inevitable," said Sasuke slowly, sheathing his swords at his side.

Naruto nodded, his 'Super' glow slowly dissipating. "Let this be our final battle."

They stared at each other for a moment before charging at each other with their arms raised, ready to do whatever was necessary to win the day.

Ninjaman's hand reached his opponent's face first, causing the Evil Lord to recoil at the light slap before surging forward and slapping Ninjaman in response.

Their cheeks both began to redden as their hands were like a furious buzzard's wings, each trying to overpower the other in the only method they knew how. They both grimaced and groaned at each contact, trying to overpower the other with a fury of slaps.

Eventually the battle became too much and the Evil Lord began giving ground, slapping more defensively as Ninjaman pressed his advantage.

"Ow…ow…ow…time out! Time out!" called Sasuke, jumping back and clutching his red face tenderly.

Naruto hesitated for a moment, not sure whether he should honour the time out or go for the killing blow.

His choice was made for him as Sasuke reached out and slapped him full in the face, grinning as he blatantly broke the rules of their honourable duel.

"Time in," he said with a cruel look.

Naruto snarled and spat blood at the ground, charging forward and slamming his hands into the Evil Lord's face, unleashing a torrent of slaps that would make even the hardiest child wince in pain.

The barrage of slaps continued as Naruto began pushing Sasuke towards a suspiciously placed opening that contained a bubbling red liquid. The Evil Lord tried to call for a time out once again, but Naruto refused to stop, continuing to press his advantage even as his hands began to numb under the effort.

Behind the Evil Lord he could see the white-eyed Princess, chained to a nearby wall with a gag in her mouth. Her appearance only served to fuel his determination as he pressed through Sasuke's counters and shoved him with his hands to the edge of the red pit.

"Okay, okay, I give up!" shouted Sasuke, knowing how dangerous his position was.

Naruto grabbed him at the shirt, his eyes blaring with anger as he threatened to finish his enemy once and for all. "You are finished. This situation is everything that is wrong with being evil. You must acknowledge your wrong and repent for your sins."

Sasuke gritted his teeth, unwilling to compromise despite in the face of annihilation. "This is blasphemy! This is madness!"

Ninjaman let go of his opponent and rolled his eyes, "I'm not saying it."

"You have to. It's in the script."

Naruto turned to the director and shook his head, "It's a stupid line, I'm not saying it."

"You're on contract. Say the line."

He turned back to his opponent, who gave him a sympathetic look before resuming his furious visage.

Naruto sighed and took a step back.

"This is Naruto…" he said at a whisper before kicking Sasuke straight in the chest, sending him flying backwards into the pit of lava.

The Evil Lord roared in disbelief as he fell, swearing to get his revenge before hitting the lava and melting into obscurity.

oOoOoOo

As his Golden Dragons cleaned up the mess that the battle had made, Naruto removed the chains from the princess' body and she leapt into his arms, wrapping him up into her bosom as tightly as possible.

"I knew you would save me, Ninjaman."

Naruto grinned as he felt her long dark hair tickling at his neck, "Of course, my dear princess. I swore that I would save you. I don't break my promises."

She pulled her head back and looked into his bright green eyes with affection, "If there is anything I can do to make it up to you…" She licked her lips slowly, "Anything at all…"

Ninjaman's grin widened as they stood arm in arm, "I can think of a few things we can do."

They stared into each other's eyes for a long time before the two of them slowly leaned in for the much anticipated finale to the story.

Just as their lips were about to touch both of them hesitated before completing the act. For several moments they struggled to kiss each other before Hinata relented and turned towards the camera.

"Do I really have to kiss this idiot?"

Naruto looked over at the camera as well, "Yeah, I'm not really comfortable with this either."

"It's part of the script, you have to do it."

Hinata groaned and let go of his waist, "I know, but now that we are here, I'm having second thoughts. I have a husband and children to think about after all."

In turn, Naruto took his hands off her breasts and shoved them into his pockets, "Yeah, I kind of promised my fiancé I wouldn't betray his trust on this. Can't we do a script re-write?"

"You have to do the kiss; it's the only way to get romantic tension into the story."

The two of them looked back at each other for a moment before both groaning in resignation and leaning in once again. They nearly did the act, but both of them once again recoiled backwards and took several steps away from each other.

"Nope," said Naruto stubbornly. "Even for someone like her, I just can't do it." He walked back to where they had put Sasuke back in place for his stunt double, shaking his head as he went.

Hinata threw her hands up into the air and shook her head so her meticulously maintained wig came off her head and revealed her short blonde hair. "I'll be in my trailer. Call me when there is something I can get behind."

"Bloody temperamental actors. Get the writing team in here and get me a rewrite. We will finish this movie if it kills us. AND SOMEONE GET ME SOME DAMN COFFEE!"

---

Walking into the camera shot, the hooded shinobi let out a long sigh and stared at the crowd through his dark glasses.

"What, no part for me?"

Shino slumped his shoulders, clearly displaying his anguish.

"Nobody wants me in their movie…"

A cloud of insects slowly began to emerge behind him, forming into a set of Shino clones that took up dancing poses.

"I'm so…"

"CUT! THAT'S A WRAP PEOPLE!"

Shino looked around to see the movie crew taking down the lights and microphones and chatting amongst themselves.

He let out another long sigh and sulked away.

---

Author's Note:

What do you guys think? I've never been quite sure about my comedy writing, so I'd love to hear some feedback on whether you thought this chapter was funny or not. I just hope it was entertaining, and you guys got a kick out of it. It really is a labour of love, and that's why it took so long. I wanted to get it right.

I decided against putting my OCs in this story, purely because I wanted the absurd immersion to be as much as possible. I had some pretty ridiculous plans for Fiore and some of the others, but held off because this chapter is already pretty full of ridiculousness.

I wanted to replicate the language of the movies I was parodying, but I think that might break the censor just a wee bit. Regardless, I hope they were conveyed well enough.

Until the end of my university semester, chapters will be fortnightly. I just want to give each thing in my life its due, and that means I can't concentrate on giving my story the best writing possible in a weekly timeframe.

Please review and tell me what you think. I try to take each review into account, and believe me I read them all. Tell me what can be improved, what you liked, what you didn't, everything. I'm a writer so I'm always open to criticism.