A/N at the end.

Chapter 20

Given how she'd functioned through her days, she might very well be a robot dressed in flesh. For Sakura, these past couple of weeks had been a waking daze. Her days played out like a dull TV episode on rerun: Get up, breakfast, work, lunch, chores, dinner, more chores, sleep. She'd gone through the cycle with the punctuality and precision of a fine-tuned machine but without the heart and soul of the living.

She'd hoped that things would go back to "normal," yet everything was but. Somehow, the same exact routine she'd been practicing all these years and gotten used to now felt close to intolerable. And as much as she was unwilling to acknowledge it, Sakura knew the root cause for her spiritless state.

It was apparent that time hasn't healed her delicate feelings, wounded from many nights ago. Born from her panicked thinking was what took place on top of the Hokage Rock that one dreary night, a difficult choice that affected her in more ways than she could understand.

Regardless, it was an action that was done and over with. She'd made up her mind...

It was just a shame that her heart hasn't caught up on the same page yet.

Alone in her apartment, Sakura had found herself gravitate toward that one place for a distraction from falling into a kind of stillness that gave her anxiety instead of peace. In the kitchen, she listlessly put away clean dishes. When the last of the plates topped the neat stack in the cupboard, Sakura paused for a break in her mindless activity. Her feet backed up two steps, and she leaned her weight against the counter as though it was the necessary support to keep her form upright. Without meaning to, she breathed out a deep sigh.

There was no looking back to ending what she shouldn't have started in the first place... It was the right thing to do. This had been the mantra she repeated and emphasized countless times in her head to get her through those moments of absolute dejection.

Nonetheless, Sakura did find an ounce of comfort in her temporary solitude, which was becoming more and more regular as her daughter tackled her field assignments with her team and her husband chose to spend most of his days at the Hokage Tower, only coming back home at nightfall. She was getting a respite from her mentally draining acts of pretending that nothing was amiss in her marriage, pretending that she was happy in front of her family, while attending to all the monotonous housework. It didn't take long for her to realize that with her every pretense, she was adding more to the sorrow that was gradually spreading inside her.

And her prescription to deal with this problem was just to keep these feelings to herself and suffer silently as she did so...

"...the right thing to do..." Sakura murmured out what her mind decided to remind her again in an effort to pull herself out of her emotional slump, letting reason overrule her emotions. Though her conscience that was less muted these days would've questioned her sincerity. Doing the "right thing"—if she was true to that high ideal—meant also coming clean about the offense to her partner that she couldn't undo. Frankly, she fell short of that.

To her, a confession was out of question. The fear of the consequences notwithstanding, she believed it'd run contrary to her intent to preserve her marriage and keep her family whole. She didn't think that her relationship with Sasuke, already shaky as she perceived it to be, could survive the blow from the truth. So she resolved to make her amends for her sins in her own way, quietly and subtly, fulfilling her role as the dutiful wife in the reestablished Uchiha Clan and moving forward without a word of grievance ever to be uttered from her.

With that settled thought, Sakura sluggishly pushed herself away from the counter and turned her attention to the next section of the cupboard to rearrange the content inside. She took hold one by one of the glasses and cups she deemed out of order and set them in perfect alignment. When her hand moved to a particular tea cup, her fingers lingered at the touch, just as her memories involuntarily resurfaced. It was the same cup he used to drink out of...

Tracing the rim of the ceramic, Sakura couldn't resist the faintest smile that blossomed from her. Yet, in the next moment, the edges of her lips fell; and her chest ached.

She shouldn't be like this, she scowled. Shouldn't yield to those sweet, corrupt memories until guilt frequented her again and made her unable to breathe. Said guilt had taken a back seat and pestered her less, for the time being, in the face of this other brewing storm of emotions.

Speaking of those emotions, she absolutely refused to recognize the pain inside her that suspiciously resembled... heartbreak. Because, Sakura frowned wearily, because heartbreaks were for lovers who weren't meant to be.

And in her case, there was no way... No way that she'd fallen in—

The sudden bang of the front door as it got thrown open and close made Sakura jump. Startled, she sprinted out of the kitchen to investigate who'd just entered the apartment. She stopped right by the threshold to the genkan, as her eyes landed on the raven-haired girl who kicked her sandals into a mess by the shoe cabinet. Getting into her slippers, Sarada scuffed in, passing by her and muttering a dispassionate "I'm home."

Taking in the display and not missing the knotted forehead and puffed cheeks from her daughter, Sakura asked, with slight puzzlement and wariness:

"What's wrong? I thought you were supposed to go training with your dad."

Feet stalled in their path to the living room, Sarada answered, "Papa is busy training Boruto."

She didn't have to see her daughter's face to imagine the disappointment that was etched into it. How the arrangement between Sasuke and Boruto came about, Sakura had yet to understand an explanation for it. Turning her head over her shoulder to her, Sarada said sourly, "He doesn't have time for me."

Her expression folded into a frown, as Sakura met her daughter's narrowed eyes.

Before Sakura could reassure her that wasn't the case, Sarada started, "I wish..."

Wearing a pout, she confessed to her, "I wish Gaara-ojisan were here…"

The name that Sakura thought she could forget if she never thought about it again rang in her ears, gratuitously. The invisible force of the meaning it held pierced her, breaking apart again her fragile heart that she'd been trying to piece together since the night she'd sacrificed her feelings for virtue. She recoiled at the pain that shot through her, snapping outwardly as part of her coping mechanism:

"Sarada, don't say that!"

At her outburst, shock momentarily clouded over the young girl's features, before they settled into a scowl of defiance. Though not another word came from Sarada, as she jutted her chin and stomped away from Sakura toward her bedroom, leaving the older woman to her lone self by the genkan.

Her pulse came down, and her head cleared a bit, just as she took in the sight of Sarada's form getting further from her. Slumping weakly against the wall, Sakura thought to herself she really was the worst mother...

The nights felt longer and unbearable when she spent hours wrestling with her own sleeplessness. While she lied completely still on her side, the thoughts in her head tossed and turned instead. The pins and needles have started in the arm that bore her weight, but she was unwilling to turn and adjust herself into a more comfortable position on her back. Between her and the person sharing the same bed and the same cover, the physical distance was at its widest possible for her to still hang at the edge of the mattress without falling over; the emotional distance, however, perhaps much more. The other presence in her personal space had become a trigger for her increasing insomnia, as she discovered yet another irony of her situation that has truly become steeped in ironies: Before, sleep evaded her because he was not there. Now, sleep did not find her because he was there.

A quiet sigh left her through her nose, Sakura opened her eyes, no longer trying to squeeze them shut in the hope it'd force her body to accept the rest her mind didn't allow. The darkness of the room wasn't something she needed to adjust to given how her eyes had gotten used to it, fluttering open and close too often to count in these wakeful hours. Careful not to disturb the other sleeping figure in her bed, she uncovered herself from the blanket through ginger movements and slid out from her side. Sitting at the edge of the bed, Sakura waited for the numbness in her arm to wear off. She turned ever so slightly. Head over her shoulder, Sakura peered at her husband.

The spot where Sasuke slept was rightfully his, but more than ever it felt strange. These nights with him beside her were the hardest to get through when she wouldn't dare to venture into their bedroom until she was sure he'd fallen into a deep slumber, wouldn't let their skins touch in bed, and wouldn't watch him sleep while she lied awake. And the thought of physical affection with him, what was natural between husband and wife, had somehow become an off-putting thought. For once, she was grateful that Sasuke hasn't given her any attention on this front.

Sakura pursed her lips, her forehead furrowed into a frown. Was her guilt-ridden conscience really the cause behind the failure on her part to reconnect with Sasuke?

Breaking her stare and looking away, she pushed herself up from the bed. The peaceful breathing of Sasuke in the serene atmosphere sounded further and further, as she tiptoed away from their shared space and out of the bedroom.

Nowadays there was a small sense of relief whenever she avoided her husband's company that Sakura would try to admonish herself for, but in her current sleep-deprived condition she couldn't get herself to care about this unhealthy sentiment. In her silence-filled apartment, she drifted to the kitchen out of absentminded habit. Though she didn't quite make it to her destination, as she met the scene of the empty dining room on her way. The memory she still shamefully retained managed to rise, tugging at her mind as well as her feet until they slowed to a halt.

She didn't want to reminisce, shouldn't; but couldn't stop herself as her memories brought her back to happier times that'd become a secret of the past. Before she knew it, Sakura found herself occupying a seat by the dining table. Opposite of her, the chair that'd been pushed in and under the table was a mere soulless object to her until her imagination carried her away, until she could see the image of a red-haired man sitting there and smiling back at her as she shyly deposited morsels of his favorite food into his bowl with her chopsticks, until she could hear the laughter of a young girl in her ears, and until she could feel the much craved warmth of a family surrounding her...

Without volition her lips curled upward, but contrary to this, a pressure settled in her chest and a stinging in her eyes was soon felt. The unpleasant sensation jolted her out of her reverie, and all of a sudden the dark and empty dining room was all that she saw again...

Sakura grew crestfallen. That night on top of the Hokage Rock... why she was hoping for a different reaction from the person she parted from, she didn't know... Just what was he doing now back in his homeland?

The questions she couldn't spare time to ponder answers to vanished almost immediately from her mental space, as she shook her head in abrupt disapproval. A little horrified, Sakura could only react to her inappropriate musing with a derisive laugh to herself. Once again, she was letting herself free falling into these moments that stood in the way of her making her supposed amends.

Oh who was she fooling? Her moral compass had been screwed up since that very first time she laid in bed with Gaara.

So much for her resolve, huh.

She was probably going to hell for this...

"What are you doing out here?"

Nearly jumped out of her skin, Sakura gasped loudly, unable to internalize the surprise that spiked her pulse. She spun around in her chair toward the source of the low and monotone voice.

Less than a few feet from her, Sasuke stood and watched her, gazing down at her with an unreadable expression. Her heart tried to recover its regular rhythm to no avail. Its beats drummed on, fast and unrelenting.

"I—I was... just... getting some water."

Sakura stammered and quickly cringed in her seat when she followed his gaze that swept over her hands that held an imaginary glass of water. Surely, sitting in the dining room alone in the middle of the night was not suspicious at all. Having felt being caught red-handed somehow in her lie, she was powerless about the heat that flared and burned both of her cheeks hotly. So she prayed that the dimness of the room was enough to obscure the hints of her nervousness and unease that her body so plainly put on display.

If he was dubious with her answer, he said nothing. His stare fell back on her face, as he told her, "You should be in bed."

"I'll be right there," she acquiesced softly, yet sat unmoving at where she was. When both of them fell into unified silence after was when Sakura was freshly reminded that her inability to sustain a conversation these days wasn't made better by Sasuke's lukewarm attitude to engage. Though it mattered not much since their time together was limited even after he'd come back to Konoha, with how he'd busied himself with work in and around the village.

"I think you should come now."

The voice that penetrated the short silence came out more authoritative this time. What simultaneously surprised her was his march to her side and the hand that firmly grasped around her forearm uninvited, pulling her out of her chair and toward the direction of the bedroom, where lights now glowed at its mouth.

Behind Sasuke, she staggered along. Upon reaching their room, he finally released his strong hold on her as he walked back to the unoccupied bed. Freed from his compelling force, Sakura's feet automatically became idle. By the entrance, she stared blankly at her husband as he stepped to his side of the bed.

Her hesitation was sensed. From her opposite, Sasuke paused before climbing back into bed. He brought his eye to her level. The lights from the nightstand lamp that he must have switched on earlier cast shadows on his face, darkening it mysteriously.

"Having trouble sleeping?" His voice was lower than before. There was something in his tone that she couldn't quite pick up. Under his intense scrutiny, Sakura suddenly felt very exposed.

"Yeah, a little," she mumbled, her focus straying sideways, and she hoped her curtness would get the other to leave her alone.

"In that case..." Her answer backfired on her, as Sasuke seemed to abandon the idea of just getting back to bed and backtracked his way to her. "Maybe we should take advantage of this time…"

At his suggestive words, her eyes widened at him just as he came hovering over her. Sakura shuddered immediately at the single hand that brushed against her neckline and eventually rested over the collars of her pajama top. His thumb stroked along her bare skin that peeked through the neck opening of her clothing.

This couldn't be happening, Sakura blanched. Squirming in the discomfort and foreignness of it all, she stuttered out, "Sa-Sasuke-kun, w-wait."

His mouth made contact to her jawline.

"Sasuke, s-stop."

He made a path of kisses up the side of her face. Inside the shell of her ear, his tongue gave a swirl. Her breath hitched. Somewhere and somehow in her head, the signals transmitted by her nerves from the sensation had stimulated feelings of distress and repulse. She didn't have time to understand the cause-and-effect here behind her emotional reaction, her over-alert brain was already making her keenly aware of the fingers that worked at unbuttoning her shirt and were ultimately successful at their task. When the first couple of buttons came undone, he slid his hand in through the parted fronts. Sakura panicked.

"Don't touch me!" she shrieked, wringing free of his hold and elbowing him away at the arm. It was but a second before Sakura froze on her own, her wide stare matching Sasuke's to reflect that she'd startled him as well as herself with her own action.

Unlike her, her husband quickly neutralized the shock in his expression. Looking down, he regarded her with unusual composure.

"What's the matter?" he asked, "isn't this what you wanted?"

Her lips tightened, Sakura dodged his eye contact. His question was one that she inwardly repeated to herself, as she too sought an answer for it. Really, it wasn't so long ago when she would've jumped at this kind of opportunity... but now...

"I'm… I'm just not in the mood, okay? I-I had a long day at the hospital." She gave her lame excuse, again hoping that she'd turn him off. But he wouldn't abide by her private wish. Another question was tossed at her, a rather rhetorical one that she wasn't prepared for.

"Oh? Who would you be in the mood for then?"

She would've never known that the long pause that segmented this question of his and the next wasn't because he seriously wanted her to take the time to reply, but purposeful theatrics for what came out of his mouth next:

"Gaara?"

It must have been a mistake. Must. But Sakura thought she'd heard through the lips of her husband the name of the man whose never-be-told history with her was something she thought to carry with her to her grave.

Her rounded eyes snapped back to his dangerously slit one, and all rational thoughts fled her. Her disbelief and denial of the situation had her ready to feign ignorance of the subject, but she wasn't given the chance.

Briskly, Sasuke left her side to the other end of their room. After some fumbling in the closet, during which Sakura could only stare stupidly, he whipped around to re-settle his glare on her. But what captured her attention was the object that was harshly flung over and landed at her feet.

Her gaze dropped down. From the paper bag that fell over, something tumbled out and she saw a familiar color of maroon. In that moment, her heart seized up. Recognition of what it was sparked the realization of her own incredible forgetfulness: The shirt that she'd meant to return in those more innocent times had never found the way back to its owner, and now it's become incriminating evidence for something much more than simple carelessness.

"Sasuke-kun, I— " Sakura shook, struggling to put into explanation that the existence of the garment in their home was... the mere byproduct of an incident where someone had lent her a helping hand. But realistically, right now, did that distinction even matter anymore?

"So the rumors are true. You were sleeping with that redhead bastard behind my back all this time."

His venomous voice rang nauseatingly in her ears. She blanked, terrified, watching as his mouth moved vigorously. Lines and lines he spit out like gunfire were no longer registered in her brain as everything around her was beginning to spin...

"—have you no sense of shame?" Sakura winced, finding her back colliding with the hard surface of the wall. Her awareness came to as she caught the last piece of his exploding exclamation. Rather than his rough shove, his words packed a bigger blow.

"Just—just how desperate were you to go spread your legs for someone like him..."

He tightened his grip on her shoulder, pushing her hard against the wall. The painful pressure of it sharpened her alertness, and she hissed. Something inside snapped. Her horror all but dispersed, as she rolled her eyes frigidly up to Sasuke's face, challenging his wild eyes with her own.

"You can honestly tell me that you've been faithful to me all this time? While you were away?"

She retaliated, chin high with haughtiness. She knew she was projecting, and she really loathed herself at the moment. If she were to look at her own reflection in the mirror, Sakura was sure that she'd never looked so ugly.

"Sakura." Sasuke's eyes narrowed more, as he warned her from trespassing a certain boundary. "You are being ridiculous."

"Answer me." She bristled, while the demon in her clamored for her to keep going.

His expression stirred most briefly. Something flashed so fast across his countenance that was akin to a look of hurt, but Sakura refused to believe that was the case. Refused to explore that possibility. Because, even if she was wrong about it, she didn't care to be right anymore.

"I'm leaving."

He was so swift in all his movements, letting go of her, gathering his meager belongings from the dresser, and sidestepping her rigid form to exit the room, all while she heaved and her hard gaze was fixed at the foot of the bed indignantly.

Her feverish brain didn't cool down until a minute later. Her hands fisted at her sides, Sakura whirled around and hurried out of the room.

In the middle of the genkan, Sasuke, having already strapped on his boots, was flinging his cloak over himself. Without hesitation, he reached for the knob of the front door. The night breeze that immediately invaded the entryway from the crack of the opening door gave a rush of coldness to Sakura's skin.

His back at the ajar door against the blackness of the night all made up a sight that provoked a sickening feeling of déjà vu for Sakura. From the very beginning up until now, he was always running away. Always...

Leaving her behind.

Why did you take off after Sarada was born? Why don't you come home? Why you never wrote to us? Why were you not here in our lives?

She wanted to scream all those questions at him, the ones that'd been haunting her all these years, the ones that she'd been reluctant to hear the explanations for. But they all boiled down to the one thing she'd been too afraid to find out.

"Sasuke."

His feet lingered.

"Did you... ever love me?"

It was a question too late to ask. Too irrelevant. She'd long lost her right to demand the truth from him. But even so, deep down somehow she already knew the answer...

The door was slammed shut. He was gone, becoming one with the darkness of the night that swallowed him whole.

And so he left her with his silence, but his action told her all the same.

A/N:

To galactic fairy 9 (kudos to you for being so vigilant since the beginning!) and anyone else out there wondering WTH happened to Gaara's shirt... Ta-da?

Had planned to push this chapter out earlier, but work and family medical situations have really made it hard to write. Thank you all for being patient with my slow updates! Rest assured I'm not abandoning this story. We are getting close to the end. ;)