CW: Talk of reproduction and damaged reproductive organs.
The next day Finn finds himself on the Falcon.
He doesn't quite understand how he gets there. He kisses Rose goodbye after breakfast, fully expecting to walk towards medbay to get ready to conduct a group session with the injured Stormtroopers or to keep Kalonia from work by asking her a thousand questions about Rey or even to bother Poe on the bridge for a bit. But he doesn't do any of those things.
Because instead of any of those perfectly sane things, Finn finds himself standing in front of his door, which used to be Poe's door, which used to be Leia's door, which used to be Han's door.
Stepping onto the Falcon feels different, foreign, even though it has only been a few weeks since he and Rose packed their things, moving in together on the flagship to be closer if they were needed.
Somehow, it feels like the first time he ever stepped foot on it, hot on Rey's heels. The cylinders of arching hallways are all dim, winding to the outline of an ill-formed, hazy plan, with a very low likelihood of success, the same way they had that day on Jakku all those years ago.
And yet, he needs to try, needs to swallow down his own fear and his own feelings, the same way Rey has these last few years. He needs to try, like he did then, for her.
Shifting on his feet, he hesitates, before raising his hand and knocking.
There is some fumbling on the other side, rousing the occupant from their sleep. When the door hisses open, Ben Solo stares blankly, almost dumbly at Finn, before his eyes go wide. He swallows, hard, his Adam's apple bobbing, as he sets his eyes more narrowly, all emotion draining from his face.
Finn's eyebrows knit, for a split second, before he too is able to even out his features. Finn nods his head back towards the exit, a silent entreaty.
And it seems as if Ben understands the mimed command. He solemnly nods, and Finn pivots on his heels, heading back the way he came. They descend off the ramp, Finn giving C'ai and Pava, the newly entrusted guards of the Falcon for the morning shift, a knowing nod. There are no words as they walk through the expanse of the hangar, just the uneasy shifting of Ben Solo, the sound of his feet falling heavy behind Finn the only indication he is following.
Finn leads him through the hallways of the Solace, Resistance members lazing by them, bounding for different parts of the ship, with no deference paid to Ben at all.
It must be different, certainly, for the former Supreme Leader to not have full hallways turn at attention at the sight of him, Finn realizes. Even before his ascension, Finn remembers how seeing Kylo Ren in the hallways of the Finalizer would cause him and his former Stormtrooper brethren to seize up, buttholes clenching and breaths hitching, even at just the hint of wafture from his cloak.
Finn's stream of memories are dammed up, pooling to a halt as he sneaks a peek behind him to see Ben, whose face is determined, but underlain with a terror that's hard to place.
An errant thought enters Finn's consciousness, whirling in the pool of his thoughts, that Ben looks like he is on his way to die.
Finn had seen death marches before. When First Order personnel stepped out of line, they would be marched through the halls of the ships, and everyone knew, including those marching, that they were walking towards their own untimely deaths for crimes against their dearly beloved tyrants.
Ben, with his careful placement, his deadened eyes, mirrored the same face as those Finn had seen marching years earlier: a resolute facade masking the fear of the unknown.
Oh.
Oh.
Ben Solo thinks this is a death march.
Finn nearly trips over himself when the realization washes over him. He knows he should say something, maybe keep it casual like, "Hey bud, you're not on your way to getting your head blown off by a Resistance firing squad, so loosen up a little, will ya?"
But, then, he remembers who this is, what he has done. What harm could there be in letting him squirm a little?
Maybe he had been spending too much time with Poe.
Ben slows as they approach medbay. Finn turns and looks at him, fully, for the first time since the Falcon, tipping his head to the door which Rey lays behind.
Their eyes meet and Finn's stomach immediately drops. There is a haunting, deep sadness there, in Solo's eyes, that freezes Finn to his spot. If Finn had lived a better life, if Finn had never been stripped of his humanity and brainwashed to believe violence was all there was, it might have been the first time he saw a pain that resonated in his marrow. He hadn't lived a better life, and so a look like that, it wasn't new to him. But seeing a pain like that, even from a mortal enemy, still eviscerated his soul, letting him know that he could still live a better life, that some part of him wasn't dead like the rest of them.
Finn opens his mouth to tell him that he had just brought him here to see Rey, that he was going to bring him back to the Falcon right after this, that he wasn't playing some eternally cruel joke on him by allowing him to see the woman he loves before sending him to a firing squad, but before any of it can leave his lips, Ben has blown past him, and is kneeling at Rey's side, his face pressed into her hands, slack on the hospital bed.
Finn's body has short circuited, he keeps opening and closing his mouth, raising and dropping his hand. He should have told him, should have said something right away, because now he can't, now he is stuck in this loop in his head as his mouth grows drier and drier.
His eyes shoot to Ben, who is whispering something in Rey's ear. Finn's too far away to hear, but it comes off an an evocation, a silent prayer, his lips brushing against the skin of Rey's arms. It's then he realizes Ben is shaking. Finn has seen Kylo Ren shake many times in rage, in fury, but never, ever like this. Never in fear and pain and loss. Bile rises up in Finn's stomach, a deep regret, a deep sorrow for this man who had caused so much pain. He knows it is counterintuitive, but seeing them there, together, his best friend being so loved, it erodes his resolve to hate this man.
Finn unfreezes, taking a step forward, reaching his hand out, but before he can do or say anything, it's over, almost as if Ben has flipped a switch, has turned off a part of himself he just got back. Ben stands, quickly, before turning an about face on his heels and walking out of the room, not daring to look back at Rey on the bed. He nods to Finn before stopping, waiting for Finn to lead the way again, and it then Finn sees the tears, unabashed on Ben's face, welling in his eyes.
Finn stares up at Ben, his mouth open, his eyes searching, but then, all he can do is turn around and start forward, his eyes huge. His body runs on autopilot and Ben's steps are lighter, more accepting, as Finn leads him back.
They take the exact same path in reverse, Finn picking up his pace, wanting this to be over, for both of them, needing Ben to be back on the Falcon, to understand because words are not enough right now.
Finally, they near the ramp of the Falcon and Finn hears Ben's steps slow behind him, their tempo turning from set and resolute to uneven and unsure.
Finn turns back to Ben when he reaches the entry ramp, and motions for Ben to walk up. Ben's eyes are huge, confused, darting between Finn and the ramp, looking for the trap. His mouth parts before it seems like he realizes. Snapping his jaw shut, he sets it and nods again, swallowing back some sort of emotion as he breezes past Finn up the ramp.
Finn can feel Ben turn around when he reaches the top of the ramp, but can't look up at him, his guilt too raw to accept whatever Ben was offering. Instead, he turns and walks the other direction, stinging with shame.
Despite his feeling of malpractice, Finn still finds himself there the next day, and the next, and the one after that.
Rose and Poe don't understand, but they stay out of it, for the most part. Part of Finn doesn't even understand, not really. He tries to rationalize it, telling himself Rey would do the same if someone was trying to prevent him from seeing an injured Rose. He tells himself it's better, somehow, that he's supervising, that he's allowing Ben permission to see her. It's an illusion of control, of course, Finn knows this, knows Ben could overpower all of them, could trick all of them with just the glide of his hand, but the illusion makes him feel better nonetheless.
Everyday is the same, for the first week, with Finn knocking on the door early, waking Ben from his slumber. Their only communication comes in the form of head nods and grunts, which, past Ben's initial misunderstanding, is enough to relay all the information they need to.
Ben's face remains impassive towards Finn, but that all fades when he enters the room with Rey, something that does not go unnoticed.
The first few days, Finn only allows a few minutes, his own anxieties eating at him. He is gruff and overprotective, looming over them, cataloging every movement, as if preparing to strike if Ben should move in a way he does not like. But Ben never does that, of course, he just sits, staring at Rey like Finn isn't there, his thumb running smooth circles into the pliant flesh of her hand.
On the fifth day, he is distracted by a question asked to him by a former trooper, who had lost multiple limbs in the battle, and was now healing in a bed near Rey's. They talked for a few minutes, Finn losing himself in the conversation, wanting the fallen soldier to feel heard.
When Finn remembered his self-imposed mission of babysitting Ben's interactions with Rey, his head snapped back to them, and he saw them in exactly the same position. Nothing had happened. Ben hadn't stolen her away, hadn't disappeared into the ether with her, he was still there, still staring at her just as devotedly as before.
As the days progress, Finn starts moving further and further away, allowing Ben a wider and wider berth to be alone with Rey. Instead of walking Ben back to the Falcon before he begins his workday, he eventually starts letting Ben stay as he conducts group sessions with the former Stormtroopers. Rey and Ben are always in his eyeline, but Finn begins to slowly give up more trust, the seconds between his watchful, parental glances towards them becoming minutes, then tens of minutes, then hours, a workday gone by, with Ben still sitting by Rey's side every time Finn checks.
When time stretches on, and the days of her coma turn into weeks, care has to be taken to prevent her body from atrophying in disuse, and Ben helps, bending her arms and pushing her knees up to keep the muscles in use. Her eyelids are now taped shut to prevent her eyes from drying out when they eke open from her rapid eye movements. Ben rubs lotion into her skin, shifts her body to prevent sores and bathes her all under Kalonia's supervision.
Finn fights down the part of him that wants Ben's hands off of her, remembering her voice on the comms the day the First Order fell. He could feel her love then, and now, when he looks at Ben being so doting and complete in his care of her, he can see that love from him, too.
Half of his heart is terrified and half is elated. Rey deserves, has always deserved, someone that loves her fully, without conditions. But he never expected the person who would love her like that to be Kylo Ren. He never thought someone like Kylo Ren to be capable of a millionth of the love Finn sees flowing out of him now everytime he sees Rey.
He watches Ben's eyes, full of awe and hope and happiness, set into the rest of his cold face, which reads none of those emotions when he is not in her presence. Ben sometimes whispers to her sleeping form, when he thinks no one is looking. Finn, he never inquires further, never edges closer to hear the words, but he knows, he knows what those words entail, he knows because he whispers the same words, he is sure, into Rose's ears, pouring everything he can't say to anyone else into her.
After a few weeks of watching, Finn changes the ritual by showing up to Ben's door with a mug of caff, handing it to Ben as he rubs the sleep off his face. This is first met with the slight uptick of an eyebrow and an intense glare on Ben's part, but eventually, he takes it, nursing it as they make the journey to Rey. From then on, Finn brews extra caff for Ben every morning, eliciting only the slightest side eye from Rose when she notices.
On the forty-third day of this, as Finn steps into the dock on his way to the Falcon, his routine is changed by the beeping of his communicator.
He turns to silence it, but Rose's name lights it. Rose almost never calls without reason. His stomach jumps into his throat as he presses the switch to talk.
"Rose?" his voice is unsure and he's not sure why.
"She's awake, Finn. She's awake."
And with Rose's elation still filling his ears, there is a click, and Rose is gone, likely too excited by the promise of speaking to Rey to stay on the line.
That same elation that was in her voice fills Finn's soul, and he turns back to the medbay, wanting to run, wanting to sprint to get to Rey and Rose, but something stops him, gluing him to the floor below.
If he knows, whatever it is that ties Ben to Rey will soon also know. And there is so much that needs to be said before that happens.
It's now or never.
Finn turns, and continues his original trajectory towards the Falcon, leaving Rey behind him.
"It was Chewie, in the end."
Tears prickle at the edges of Rey's eyes, "Of course it was," she wipes the first falling tears, but then her nose goes, and it's a mess, and Rose is holding her, crying too.
Rose pulls away first, smoothing out Rey's bedhead, trying to calm herself. It had been so much longer for Rose, she had more time to deal with the pain, but for Rey, that pain was brand new and blaring.
Rose had been the one with her when she awoke. During Rose's routine, daily, early morning visit to Rey before she herself headed to her new venture training in engineering, the routine had changed, Rey's eyes fluttering open just as Rose arrived, and then there was yelling and hugging and tears.
Everything was peace, around Rey, through her, despite the outward chaos of her waking. Her heart didn't even pick up because she knew, had known, for the entire time she had been steeped in the force, she had known that they were okay, that he was okay, and when she woke, it was like a warm blanket cocooned her, and she didn't shout out for him, because she already knew.
Ben, as it turned out, was asleep when she awoke and she was careful not to jostle in the force to wake him. His exhaustion radiated and something in her just wanted him to rest, to be peaceful. All she ever wanted for him, really, once she accepted her own feelings, was his peace, and she would allow him a little more before what would surely be an eventful day for both of them.
Everything, the rest of it, the rest of their lives, there was time for that. For the first time she actually felt that there was time for it. No matter what happened, she knew now she was strong enough to protect him, no matter what, no matter where they had to go, how far they had to run, she could protect him with what she had learned from Obi-Wan.
They could rewrite everything, together. But now, before the beautiful chaos of reuniting with everyone, she just needs time to understand what happened that day she fell and Rose is more than happy to explain, talking a mile a minute about the final moments of the Discord.
Kalonia walks in silently behind Rose as she talks Rey through it all. Rey reaches out to Kalonia silently, grabbing her hand and squeezing with a small smile as Rose explains everything about that day, which is a memory to her now, but still such a fresh hell to Rey.
Time, in the force plane, it was years and minutes at the same time. Time stretched and contracted under Old Ben's tutelage.
When Rose notices Kalonia, she moves to stop, but Kalonia gives her a small head shake, allowing Rose to continue talking, as Kalonia starts to run quiet diagnostics around them, nodding confirmation at Rose's story when Rey looks on the edge of disbelief.
And when she is done, when their tears are drying on their faces and Rey has stopped hiccuping for air, Rose has a weird look on her face.
"Kylo…" Rose breathes in deeply as she sees Rey blink at the name, "Ben, whatever we're calling him now, I just, I know he saved us, but I don't think...I can't…I can't forgive him like they can."
"I know. I would never ask you to."
"But, I would, Rey, I would if it meant I didn't lose you."
"It's...what do you mean?"
It is at that moment Kalonia steps in from the periphery, datapad in hands, "I'm sorry, but I need some time with my patient."
Rose nods at the Doctor, then looks back at Rey, "We'll talk later."
"Rose, wait."
"Later, you need to see the Doctor now."
Rose leaves, the hydraulic door clicking on the way out, and Rey just stares at the grey durasteel, Kalonia moving in her periphery.
It takes her a few seconds to will her neck to turn, to look at Kalonia, and when she does, she feels her cheeks go pink, immediately feeling like a foolish little girl in her presence. She had never gone back to Kalonia after Mustafar, never gotten enough courage to face her again. And the last time she had seen her, they were both covered in Ben's blood. Everything was too much to process, and so Rey stays silent, waiting.
Kalonia, to her great credit, doesn't say anything at first. Just writes on the data pad. When she does talk, it's only to ask Rey innocuous questions; she asks her to move, to grip, to blink and to swallow. They walk, Rey dragging an IV behind her, and Kalonia's hand out to steady her, if needed, which it isn't.
After what seems like forever, Kalonia seems satisfied, and starts to unhook Rey from the machines which had been feeding her intravenously, before giving handing her a vegmeat packet.
Rey winces at her old staple of subsistence, taking it cautiously before gently setting it in her lap, "Oh, no thank you, I'm not very hungry."
Kalonia laughs at that, "Rey, you've been in a coma for eight weeks. You're definitely hungry."
Rey's face drops, "Eight weeks?!"
Kalonia hands her a water to activate it, "Eight weeks," Kalonia's voice is soft against Rey's disbelief, "Sorry, but we're all out of everything else, there were a lot of injured that evaporated our supplies, and I need to make sure you can go through the process of chewing, swallowing, and digestion."
"Where's everyone now?" Rey asks, as she looks around the mostly empty medbay, now only populated by a few dire cases and some food poisoning patients, "Tallie, Snap," Rey reaches out in the force, trying to locate her friends, gasping and tensing at who she does not find, "Kaydel?"
"Home," Kalonia says simply, assuaging her fear, "The war is over. We've been docking on planets, helping them with supplies and emergency aid, and bringing people back to their families. They're home, some of the first to go. They didn't want to go without saying goodbye, but it's not really goodbye. You'll see them again. They promised."
Rey's body relaxes as she nods. Her fear at having lost them permanently turns more into a dull ache; she had missed the end then, what they had all fought so hard for. Now it was over. That new dawn that Poe had spoken of all those months ago had already risen without her.
Kalonia fills in the silence, "Chewie, he was the only one we lost. Everyone else is okay because of his sacrifice, and because of Ben."
"Ben," Rey says softly, trying out his name once again, after years of disuse.
"Yeah, Ben," Kalonia smiles, "After-after what happened, after he regained his consciousness and you lost yours, he was able to convince the Troopers to leave without resistance, once we tore him away from you. We got out just in time to see the Discord disintegrate behind us."
Rey is stuck in her head, unable to say anything back, imagining that behemoth of a ship slipping into the hazy atmosphere of some planet, rocketing hard into its surface, littering its final destruction. She imagines a little girl, decades from now, scavenging through it, finding the remnants of Kylo Ren, of the First Order, and not understanding the magnitude of it all, the magnitude of war, of death. It was all circles, everything cyclical, and now it was up to her, to them to try to straighten that circle, to make history a straight line of progress instead of having it fold into itself again, like it had so many times before.
"I mean, C'ai did hit his head on a malfunctioning transport ramp coming back and needed stitches, but that was the most injury The Resistance had in the great final battle."
"And the First Order?"
"They're gone. The only parts of it that remain are former Stormtroopers. We managed to get a little more than a hundred."
"A hundred?" Rey's voice juts out of her, in disbelief, "Out of?"
"Thousands, I think. Maybe tens of thousands."
Rey's lids fall heavy, stinging over her prickling eyes. A hundred. That was so little, objectively, empirically. So many lost their lives for a cause they never understood or asked to be a part of. She fights the anger and sadness, because a hundred souls, each one with the capacity for so much, that was still a victory, that was still worth the risk. Even one would have been worth it to Rey.
"They wanted to stay, even though they were decimated. They wanted to go down with their ship. Ben convinced them to move. But the battle had pit them against one another. They're a rare breed now. Finn, he has been helping to rehabilitate them, sharing his experiences with entry into a world without the First Order-"
Rey's body shoots up, "Finn-I need to-"
Kalonia gently places her hand on the young force user's shoulder, "Finn is fine, Finn will be there, I promise. But now you need to eat."
Rey does eat, ravenously, while Kalonia writes more on her pad, perching herself on the edge of the bed as she does.
Kalonia starts to talk before Rey is done eating, "Everything is normal. Your blood tests are all normal. Everything has been normal this whole time. Your brain activity, your muscles, all normal, and apart from a few lingering bruises, you're a healthy, 22 year old female."
"I've just been mysteriously sleeping for eight weeks," Rey deadpans.
"Right," Kalonia retorts. "I should say I need to keep you under observation for the night, but I have a feeling that there's not much I can do to keep you in this bed."
Kalonia smiles as she rises, grabbing Rey's regular clothes from a nearby drawer and laying them on the bed in front of her. Rey's eyebrow quirks, not expecting to be let go so quickly, but when Kalonia turns around, Rey jumps at the chance, shrugging off the hospital gown and easing into her own clothes.
"I want to see you back here tomorrow. If I don't I will drag you personally from your quarters. I need to keep an eye you."
Rey nods as she stands on slightly wobbling legs, she moves to the door, to her friends, to Ben.
"There is one more thing…"
Rey swallows and turns around at Kalonia's voice.
"Why did you never come and see me Rey?"
Her jaw goes slack, dropping only slightly before she pick it up again.
"I-I'm sorry, I was just…"
Kalonia hands Rey a datapad that looks broken, a grey and black image plastered on its screen.
"What am I looking at?" Rey's voice is timid, shaking at the sight of the wavy picture in front of her.
"I wish you would have come to see me. You're looking at an ultrasound of your uterus that I took a few weeks ago, while you were asleep here, recovering after the Discord."
Rey grimaces.
Kalonia swipes the screen to another image, of the same thing, but with more light grey on the screen, "This is what it looked like at your last check up a few months ago."
Rey's eyebrows knit, toggling between the two monochromatic images, "I don't understand."
"That's the thing, Rey. I don't understand either," she points to the light grey blooms on the image, "This is scar tissue. It used to coat the entire left side of your womb from your injury." Kalonia switches back to the new ultrasound, the screen darkening, "It's reduced by over 50% now."
Rey's head swivels to look at Kalonia, her eyes hardened, "But you said-"
"It would never get better. I know. There's no way it should have gotten better. There's no medicine or surgery that could have done this, I would have talked to you about them, we would have tried them, if you wanted."
"Then what could have…?"
"I think it's outside the purview of medicine. I think it is much more in your wheelhouse."
"My wheelhouse?"
"Jedi tricks," Kalonia says with a smirk.
Rey pauses for a moment, replaying that night's events in her mind. That white, hot energy that she thought was going to burn her from the inside out, which settled deep into her stomach before everything went blank comes back to her, before all she can hear is the echo of Ben's voice in her head.
You don't even realize, do you?
Rey edges back onto the hospital bed she was so eager to leave only a few moments earlier. She sits silently and Kalonia lets her, as she collects her thoughts, only noticing her mouth is gaped open after it becomes too dry to swallow.
There are too many thoughts in her, each more startling than the last, building to something she can't face, that maybe-maybe-
"There's still quite a bit of scar tissue enveloping your fallopian tubes," Kalonia points to white globs dotting the top of the holopad, "which means your menstrual cycle can't return. And that pregnancy is still impossible."
And with that, all those building thoughts are pushed away, back where they belong, in the dark recesses of the part of her mind. She locks them all away again and rebuilds the wall around them. Rey stares forward, not daring to look at Kalonia. Her breath feels stuck in her throat.
Rey finally huffs out a breath, and she is not sure what emotion comes out with it. Is it relief? Or sadness? How could it be sadness? Sadness for something she had never wanted anyway?
"Rey, the blood, that I saw that day after Mustafar, it wasn't from your menses, was it?"
"No."
Kalonia runs her hands through the young woman's hair.
"Was Ky-Ben." She stops and starts over again, "Was Ben your first sexual partner?"
Rey nods, sucking her lips inward to wet them, to do something to prevent the heaviness threatening to fall from her eyes.
Kalonia nods back, her face so soft and open, before remembering herself, her role, "Sometimes, bleeding is normal, the first few times. It won't always bleed, or hurt. It shouldn't bleed or hurt, you should know. I'm not sure how your injury will impact intercourse, so if there is anymore bleeding, or pain, let me know, and we'll see what options we have available."
Kalonia moves, like she's finally going to let Rey go but stops, and instead, turns around, "I know there wasn't much, on Jakku, if any doctors, and I know-with Leia, you would sometimes confide-" she pauses, as if the next bit is something difficult to process, "I just want you know, if you have any questions, about anything, even things that are non-medical, please come to me. I'd like to think by now we have a little deeper of a relationship than just doctor and patient, after everything."
This breaks Rey out of her own mind, hearing Kalonia so earnest in front of her, and a genuine smile blooms across Rey's face as she blinks back her tears before any can escape her. Her hand moves to Kalonia's and she squeezes, "Of course, of course we do, of course I will."
Kalonia looks down, swallowing.
"There are a lot of people who want to see you, and I know you want to see them too, but-" Kalonia drifts, briefly, before getting back on track, "I can keep them off your trail for a little longer."
Rey's head quirks to the side.
"The have him holed up on the Falcon. I'm sure it would be easy for you to slip by unnoticed." Kalonia waves her hand as she says this, miming a Jedi's mind trick before she smiles. "Go meet Ben Solo."
"She's awake," Ben doesn't have to ask, he knows, even in his groggy state, he can feel her in the medbay, being checked out, her signature rosy in his grey world. He is up to his feet in an instant, faster than Finn has ever seen him get out of bed, and pulling on a shirt in seconds.
Finn nods calmly in the face of Ben's feverish actions, leaning against his door, blocking Ben's path out, "She's awake. But there are some questions I need to ask you first."
Ben stills, his eyes narrowing at Finn, "What's stopping me from blowing through you to get to her?"
"I don't know, what is?"
Ben pauses, before huffing out a breath, and sitting back down on the bed.
"What do you want FN?" it is he most words he has strung together in these last few weeks of chaperoning, and it's not lost on either of them that Finn's name comes out harsh on his lips.
Finn rolls his eyes and drags a chair from the corner up closer to the bed where Ben sits. He had been rehearsing this, practicing what he would say in front of Poe and Rose, in front of mirrors, in front of a very confused BB-8, gaining the courage to say what he is about to say.
"I need to know about the mask."
"The mask?" Ben looks up from the floor, confusion flitting across his features.
Finn sighs, motioning to his own face, "Yeah, you know, big, black, scary. The mask."
Ben sits back on his bed, his eyes becoming a sort of incredulous challenge, like he can't believe this is where the conversation that is keeping him from Rey is starting, "The mask."
Finn closes his eyes, clearly stamping down frustration, "Good, I'm glad we're clear now on literally the only mask that we could be talking about." He breathes in, steadying himself, before continuing, "When did you wear the mask?"
"The mask..."
"Kriffing-"
Ben steps over Finn's irritation, "Whenever I stepped foot off a First Order ship. It was mandated to cover-"
"The scar."
"Yes, that. It ensured we were able to keep the fact that an untrained girl marred my face just a rumor. It was also-how did you say it?-big, black and scary, which helped when all we did was shill fear."
Finn nods, "Who would know your face then, your true face?"
Ben's eyes narrow, "Stormtroopers, First Order military personnel."
"Any settlers? Citizens? Outer Rim bounty hunters with itchy trigger fingers and no discretion?"
"If I stepped foot off a First Order vessel, it was on, always."
"Except for Crait."
"Yes, Crait was-different," Ben swallows, "Your people, some may know my face, from then."
"Our people have been briefed," Finn's mouth is open, but it is Poe's voice who says it, and they both turn to see the General come to visit them for the occasion.
Finn and Poe nod at one another, a greeting for this conversation they had been planning since Artorias.
"Briefed on what?" Ben asks, the air in the room growing tighter with Poe's presence. Ben had grown used to Finn's existence. Poe, however, was still an interloper in this space.
"C'mon Benny, I know you're smarter than this," Poe's usual devilish grin crosses his face as he says it, which only causes Ben to darken more.
Ben stares up at Poe, "Whatever this game is, I'm not playing," he moves to stand in the tiny room now populated by too many bodies, but before barking out an order to move, his voice drops an octave, and in almost a whisper he says, "I'm not-Ben Solo, I'm not-."
Before he can finish his thought, the air in the room shifts again, the tension breaking. Finn is on his feet, looming over Ben in a way that people simply did not do. Finn is in Ben's face before another thought can pass between the men.
Thinly veiled rage bubbles across Finn's features. His eyes are red, and speak to some sort of hidden violence just under the surface. When his words come out they are deep and harsh, just loud enough for those in the room to hear, but with the force of a public stoning, "No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to say that, not anymore."
"Finn-" there is a warning in Poe's voice, and Ben's not sure if it is meant for him or the former Stormtrooper.
Finn ignores Poe, and when he speaks again, there is a vitriol that surprises even Finn as it spouts from him, "You don't fucking get it, do you? All of that and you still don't fucking get it. You can't keep doing this. I saw Kylo Ren die, I saw him bleed out in front of me. I saw you kill him when you stepped between us and Hux."
Ben sits down, as Finn edges into him. Backing down is not something he can remember ever doing, and the feeling is odd, but there's no anger in Ben at Finn's tirade, because he knows who it is for, who Finn is trying to protect in his anger, and so he allows it to happen.
"You need to figure out who the fuck you are. You need to figure out who you need to be. Rey, she doesn't deserve a half man. She deserves everything."
"I know," Ben's voice is small, chastised in a way that can only come from something which concerns Rey.
"Do you?" Finn challenges.
Ben's self-loathing rises to the surface, "I-I can't-"
"Stop." Finn pauses, his hands shaking, before he tries and fails to compose himself. He turns around, before whipping back, his thoughts collected and his condemnation continuing, "You know she is not filling some void with you, you know that, right? She's not a broken person."
Ben's face contorts under Finn's sudden fiery authority, "What does that have to do wi-"
"She loves you. Enough to give up everything, to forsake everything. I've seen you, over these past weeks, I've watched you. You can. You can give her all of those things. I've seen the way you look at her. This isn't hard, Ben. This is the easiest part of all of it. Stop being a fucking coward."
And Ben, he should be all rage, he should be throwing chairs, he should be choking them against the walls to get to Rey.
All he can do is dip his head into his hands, pulling at his hair, because now, he isn't sure, in the face of their belief, he isn't sure he can do any of it, not after what he has done.
Several moments go by, before Poe crouches to bring himself to Ben's level, whose face does not lift from staring at the floor. "Here is how easy it could be, here is how easy we would make it for you: I can send out a communique, it could be to the Outer Rim by tomorrow. Ben Solo, prodigal son, lost after the destruction of Luke Skywalker's temple, remembers himself and returns just in time for the final stand of The Resistance, joining them and regaining his birthright as the child of two of the most famous Rebels in all of history, before helping to destroy Kylo Ren alongside The Last Jedi."
There is a silence in the room that goes unbroken for several moments.
"That's quite a story," Ben says finally, looking up at Poe harshly.
"I tell them well."
"It will never work," a small, sarcastic smile flits across Ben's face as his head shakes from Poe to Finn.
Finn's rage is still on a level far beyond what it has ever been as he spits out, "And so you won't even try? After everything she was going to do, everything she did, she's been laying comatose in a bed for 8 fucking weeks because of what she did for you, and…"
"Just let us leave," Ben interrupts softly, "We'll take the Falcon. The war is over, what does it matter?"
"And what? Run for the rest of your life? For the rest of hers?" Finn shakes his head, "At least with us, we can protect her, she can stay in one place, she doesn't have to run for her whole life."
"Is this not just your selfishness talking?" Ben challenges, "You want her to stay, that's all."
"Wouldn't you?" Finn volleys back.
Ben sits silenced, staring at Finn, who stares right back at him.
"And that's not what this is," Finn states as he breaks their staredown, "Rey, she means...she deserves..."
"I know-" Ben looks down.
"There is so much, so much she has had to live through, and she deserves..."
"I know," it comes out of Ben more forcefully, "I can't give her…"
"Yes, you can."
"I can't. The things that I've done..."
Poe cuts in, between the two warring men, "Ben Solo didn't do those things. Ben Solo didn't watch idly as the Hosnian system burned. Ben Solo was smuggling in the Outer Rim, after escaping from the Jedi Academy with only scant memories of his true identity when the Knights of Ren attacked."
"No."
"Ben Solo has been missing since the Jedi Academy, presumed dead. That's what the Galaxy believes, at least."
"You can't do that. You can't write history to say what you want it to."
"Can't we? Who's stopping us? It's just us now, Solo," Finn interjects, trying to shut Ben down.
Ben sighs, "It would never work, Finn, because the Universe always finds out the secrets being kept from it. I remember when Darth Vader's true identity came to light, I remember the pain of that truth. Nothing can be kept secret forever."
Finn nods, "How long is enough?"
"What?" Ben's voice is incredulous, mistrustful.
"You said 'forever', does it have to be forever? How long is enough?"
"With Rey, yes, it has to be forever."
Poe tags in, taking the argument from Finn, "What if the alternative is nothing?"
Ben takes a stuttered breath in.
"Because that is the alternative," Poe's voice is no longer playful, but resolute and cold, "If the galaxy knows Kylo Ren is alive, they will rip you apart, and then you will have nothing, you will be nothing, and Rey will be the one who suffers the most. We can save Rey from that, if you just let us. Everyone is tired, they want more heroes and less villains, they will believe us if we present them with Ben Solo."
"It's wrong."
"Are you seriously the one who is going to say that?"
"I did those things. I killed those people."
"We can't take that away from you, that, you'll have to live with. We're not offering absolution. We are offering a chance to give her what she deserves. This is for her, not for you. Don't waste this." Poe is done, he can't take the room anymore, and so he slams the button down to release the door behind him, "Right now Kylo Ren is M.I.A. as far as the galaxy is concerned, which buys us time, but you need to figure out what you want, soon."
Ben sits, silenced, chastised, as Finn slowly walks out behind Poe, his steps hesitant.
Finn stops, right at the threshold, and turns back to Ben, "You know what you need to do, you know what she deserves. Don't fuck this up by trying to resurrect someone who wants to stay dead."
And with that, the door closes behind them, leaving Ben alone with his thoughts, unable to move, his body shocked into a self-imposed prison.
Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.
It's like moving through the deepest sand, to get to him. Something about his signature strong and clear on the Falcon, and not just the ghost of who he used to be, it's even more bizarre, even more of a phantasma.
Even the Falcon herself seems different. It's like she's preening, as Rey runs her hands along the cool durasteel interior. The lights of the cockpit seem to shine brighter, more merrily, and Rey suspects, if she were to power the Falcon on now, her engines would purr where they once clanged and sputtered. Rey runs down her last mechanical analysis in her head, looking for things that she may have done differently on her last diagnostic, but comes up short. This wasn't the result of any of her mechanical jerry-rigging. The Falcon knows, somehow. She knows, her Ben has come back to her.
Rey takes her time, letting the rivets and dents tickle the palm of her hand as she moves down the corridors, her steps light and tentative. She savors being back here, back in the first place she can truly remember feeling like she was home.
Until finally, she finds herself outside his quarters, and it is not foreign or odd to consider this room his. Maybe it should be. It's the room that Han had unceremoniously kicked her out of when he recommandered his ship, all those years ago. It's the room that she would sit for hours with Leia in, talking and planning. It's the room that Poe took over, after avoiding it for months, when rooming got too cramped after Leia's death. It's the room that she would catch Chewie in front of, sometimes, after it all, his hand raised in muscle memory, before forgetting that, no, Han wouldn't answer that door anymore.
And now, it's Ben's, and somehow, it's okay. It makes sense despite everything.
She takes a breath, then another.
Raising her hand up, she moves to knock, her hands prickling in anticipation.
But then suddenly, he is there, in front of her, all of him, on the Falcon. Without her even having to knock he is there, and everything lapses into a surreal state.
Neither of them are breathing, can breathe, their eyes locked. Every muscle seizes in both their bodies, because this is real.
When it reaches a fever pitch, she hears her body dragging in a long breath, making up for the seconds? Minutes? Hours? Of not breathing, and her eyes naturally close.
When she opens them, he isn't there. Every hair on her body stands in that millisecond, that feeling so ingrained in her, of Ben, of Kylo, being there and then not, after years of seeing him disappear in front of her when their force bond cut off, that it doesn't even seem odd that he is no longer where he was a moment ago. Once her brain catches up with her, though, her stomach instantly drops. Had it all been fake? Has this all been a fever dream?
And then, she feels him, his arms gathering her midsection to him, pushing the air out of her into an exhale, finally. She looks down, and there he is, on his knees, looking up at her, his eyes wide and earnest in their disbelief.
Her fingers find their way to his hair and they are like that for a long time. Ben, Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the Galaxy, Ben, he is on his knees in front of her, burying his head in her stomach, as she combs through his hair, tracing the shell of his ears, feeling him finally beneath her.
His face is hidden, and she wishes it weren't, wishes he would look up at her again, but before she can think any further, his hold around her waist tightens, grasping at her before pulling her up off her feet and carrying her into the room behind him.
Gasping at the change, she puts her hands on his shoulders to steady herself before he deposits her on the bed, and then his body is over hers like a blur. He is in her neck, his hair tickling down her chin as he mouths at her. He is so quick, his lips ghosting over the lines of her throat, her collarbone. The only sounds that fill the room are her sharp breaths as he sucks at her skin.
Her mind is in a frenzy. One moment she was at the door and now she is under him, his body firm and insistent and intoxicating. She is already losing herself in the sensations, but that's not what she wanted, not now. Now she wants to be clear, to be present, to be with him, finally.
Her hands move to his shoulders, broad and heavy on top of her and she presses there. Instantly, he freezes, his body becoming stiff and rigid under her touch. Pressing more firmly, it is clear she is asking a silent question for him to detach from her and face her, but he doesn't budge.
That's when she feels it. A hot wet tear falling on the curve of her neck, running down, settling in the hollow of her collarbone, before another, and another, and then he is shaking under her fingers.
Her mind blooms with his thoughts, and she can feel how hard it is for him to look at her now, in this place, and for him to know he could have her, he could really have her, and give her something, give her everything. That is not a fantasy anymore, holding her in happiness instead of in angst, she is soft and pliant in his hands, ready for the future.
The future.
They have a future, and it is with each other. No matter what, no matter for how long, or short, they have something together that is more than just a fated death match, and it is too much for Ben, all of the dreams he kept tucked away under the visage of a broken man now real in front of him.
She has to close her eyes to stop her own tears, her hands finding his hair and allowing him to hide, for just a moment, like he wants to.
What this is, what this moment means, she knows, is so much. Years of hits and misses, years of confusion and anguish, and now they are here in a place neither of them ever thought they would have the chance to be.
Pushing slightly upwards again, he gives, and his eyes meet hers. There is so much in them, so much hope and fear and longing. Slowly, she lifts her head to his, kissing the wet orbs his tears formed on his cheeks away. His eyes close as the light press of her lips to his skin moves down, following the damp tracks his tears made on his face until they are gone, until she has absorbed that pain and fear, halved it, carrying it alongside him. His shaking has ceased, and all he can do is stare at her.
Pressing him further up, she flips their positions so she is on top, never breaking eye contact, and slides down his body until she is kneeling on the floor in front of him, his long legs planted on the floor. He sits up to keep looking at her as she kneels between his legs, her eyes scouring his full form. They are locked like this for minutes, as Rey's hands move over him, pressing her fingers into him to make sure he is real, that he is intact.
Ben is docile under her touch, allowing her time to run her hands over his shoulders, his ribs, his stomach, and down his legs to the bottoms of his feet, all while staring at her in awe.
This continues until checking the reality of him through his clothes is not enough for her. She stands, slowly, lifting his shirt over his head, baring his torso to her touch. Then she moves down, kneeling again to relieve him of out of the confines of his pants.
And then, Ben is there, naked in front of her, and the touch of her fingertips is too little to show him how much she sees him, how much she adores him. She bends down to his feet, taking his gaze with her, and presses her lips onto his toes, onto the very furthest reach of him.
Ben flushes instantly at the feel of her lips there, and his blush only widens as she moves, so slowly, up his foot, her lower lip dragging across the soft, untouched skin there.
She wants to see all of him, to touch all of him, to love all of him. All the parts of him untouched and sensitive, and all the parts of him scarred and mangled, she wants it all, and now, she can take it all.
There are no words, just this, just the soft sound of her lips on his skin, as he tenses and relaxes each time her lips meet some new, virgin part of him. When she reaches the insides of his knees, where scars marr the surface, his muscles contract and he begins shaking again, and so she lingers there, getting him used to her love even in these untouched parts of him, darting her tongue out to drag across him instead of just her kisses. He inhales sharply and her eyes meet his above her. She keeps eye contact as she moves up his thighs, so slowly, her tongue lapping at the soft flesh between his legs, stopping to comfort when they hit a scar or imperfections.
Never again, she vows internally, never again will she allow him to be marked. There was enough violence, now there would just be love that touched his skin.
And he is hard, so hard, now. He holds his breath as she grazes his balls, which constrict and loosen under her touch as she moves slowly up his shaft with her kisses. Somehow, even with her mouth on his dick, pressing into the soft skin covering his hardness, it is not lewd or sordid, it is not even particularly sexual, even though it does make his cock leak with want. It is just as loving as her kisses to the rest of him, making him feel seen and safe.
Her hands find his hips, as her mouth silks over his tip, as she laps at his pre-cum, tasting him. At seeing this, at feeling this, Ben can't help but let out an impossibly low groan, which makes Rey's mouth tick upward just for a moment, before she moves from his cock down to his hair above it, and then, it's like she has broken him, the small whining sounds that start pouring from him as she moves slowly up his stomach, his breath hitching and picking up, make her break out in a full smile, as she looks up at him.
And then he is done for, he could cum, will cum, from just this, from just that fucking smile. He knows he will explode if she doesn't stop soon, and in an instant, he pulls her up into his lap, her eyes wide at the sudden change.
But before she can open her mouth to protest, he is kissing her again, his mouth hot and insistent on hers, and he can feel her melt into him.
She is still fully clothed, which bothers Ben more than he thinks he has ever been bothered by anything. He needs her closer, he needs her impossibly close to him. He wants to fuse her into him, to keep her safe within him. Slowly he pulls her back, her pupils already blown so wide, and unbelts her tunic. Rey, at first, doesn't understand, until she does, and she helps him to slowly undress her, pulling the fabric from her skin and leaving gooseflesh in its wake until she is bare in front of him, her nipples pebbling in the cool air of the Falcon.
When she is naked above him, her tunic fallen to the floor, he stares at her for an impossibly long time, his hands on her hips, his mouth agape, running his eyes over her.
It is her turn to blush under the intensity of his stare. She tries to turn her face away, but he catches her chin, moving her gaze back until it is fully on him. She brings her hands to his head, tucking his hair behind his ear. She traces his ears before her eyes go cloudy, her own resolve faltering as he stares at her.
He reaches for her hair, pulling her face to his, and their lips meet gently, testing, and for the first time in this room, they feel the force weave between them. The depth of it spurs them on as they deepen the kiss, but it is still slow, all encompassing. Ben moves a hand from her hip up her taut stomach and further up until his touch is featherlight on her breast. His other hand moves down to cup her ass, and guide her over his dick.
When their cores meet, they both gasp, breaking apart for a moment to look down at where they touched.
She is so wet on top of him. He can feel her dripping onto him now, her cunt just barely rubbing up against his shaft. He can see her shiny slick across his cock as she begins to move slowly, incrementally, a soft moan escaping her as the bud of her clit drags along him.
When he can't take it anymore, he wraps his arms around her, drawing her impossibly close to his body. His face is in her neck, and he can smell her, all of her, salty and sandy, and Rey.
The sounds he makes, the sounds that escape him as she picks up her pace, rubbing his dick along her folds, are unlike anything she heard during their short trysts on Mustafar. They reverberate deep in her belly and go straight to her cunt, soaking him more fully as she slowly runs her cunt over the impossibly hard length of his cock.
There are no words now, just the sounds of them breathing, of his slow moaning as she drags herself over him and he licks the inside of her mouth.
And then, he needs all of her. He needs to take her, to stretch her, to fill her with him, coating her in himself. He wants all of her like she wants all of him.
He pulls her back, slightly, angling her hips, and looks at her, so intently, before guiding her down onto him.
Her sharp, high sound is met with his deep, guttural groan as he slides effortlessly into her, parting her like he was always meant to do.
Ben shivers as she slides down and down, her cunt so hot and warm, tightly enveloping him. When she reaches the base, she shuts her eyes, waiting for the sting of the stretch of him to ease, but his eyes never leave her face, even as he brings his hands up to tease her nipples gently, he keeps his eyes on her, and watches as her expression relaxes into pleasure before she moves her hips, grinding into him.
There is a spot inside of her that she hits as she rolls her hips on him, and when she does, her eyes pop open to find his. A sly smile spreads across his face as he holds her hips down on that spot, before slowly thrusting up into her, languishing in that spot. The moan she gifts him with is so much louder than he has heard her before.
He wants to see just how loud he can make her tonight, and for every night after this.
Bracing herself on his shoulders, his face comes down to nuzzle her tits as he quickens under her, until they are both moving in unison against each other, cresting and falling in rhythm. What flows through them, what has flowed through their veins since that night on Ahch-To when they first touched, meets again, their bodies communicating to each other like they do on the battlefield.
It isn't like their first, or second, time joining each other; it is slow, and deliberate. Her nails scratch his scalp slowly, as his tongue finds her nipple, licking a stripe up to her neck. Each sensation they give each other is magnified tenfold. They are hyper-aware of every breath, every sigh. They can feel each inch of each other's skin tingle, feel each other's pleasure mount through their bond in the force. As his stomach contracts, his balls tensing full of his cum that was only ever meant to fill her, her stomach does too, muscles tensing to confine his thickness even more.
Something starts to crescendo between them, some feeling of joy and elation and balance. At the same time, it enters both of their minds, blooming endlessly and shuffling off all darkness, and they know, instantly, what it is, what it means.
A white, hot flash of pure light flashes between them, leaking from both their bodies, as her cunt clenches around him, dragging his cum out of him. There is shouting, they know, but it blends in, all of their senses overloading into this moment until it crashes into a moment of ecstasy as they stare into each other. They let it wash over them, bathe them, and there is no fear, on her part or his. They allow it to take them until they are heaving in each other's arms, spent and euphoric.
They stay locked together for a long time, panting into each other, her head resting on his shoulder, until he slips out of her. As he does, he lifts her languishing body and settles her how he has always wanted to in his arms on the bed beneath them, eclipsing her body with his own. Lazily, he draws circles in her exposed skin, trailing up from her hip to the side of her breast, up her neck as breathes her in, tracing her freckles like he did that night on Mustafar. He reaches her chin, tilting it towards him until their eyes meet. A small smile spreads between them as they kiss.
It is as close to divine grace as he will ever feel.
Before he drifts off in her arms, he feels the whisper of her soft voice against his ear.
"Welcome home, Ben."
And that's it (except for the epilogue)! Thank you for your patience with this. It was such a delicate chapter that I had to write and rewrite because the interactions had to be really exact in order for it to all make sense (I am still not entirely sure about it, but it's been forever, so here it is).
All of this has been an amazing experience because of all of you. Thank you for everyone who gave kudos, left comments, or even just clicked and read for all your encouragement and beautiful words. You have no idea how excited I was to get each one.
Alright, see you guys in the epilogue!