I do not own Twilight.
"Shit," is Alice's response when I tell her what happened. "You gonna tell your dad?"
I shake my head quickly, leaning back in my chair. "I just want to forget about it," I say.
"But you live with him?" she asks, and I nod.
"Not for much longer." And it's true. I won't stay with him no matter the excuses.
Alice blows out a breath and leans back in her own chair, staring at me with her wide, all-seeing eyes.
"What are you gonna do?" she asks.
I shrug and then lean forward to spin my cup around, reading the small print in clear lettering. "I'm gonna move my stuff out and see if I can stay with my friend. She lives closer to the campus than I do."
Alice shakes her head, clearly at a loss. "I can't believe he called you sloppy seconds," she says.
I wince because the phrase has been playing and replaying in my head ever since I left. I don't care that he said it, just the fact that he's supposedly felt this way for so long, as though I was merely some vessel to be passed around.
"What even is sloppy seconds, anyway?" Alice asks. "I mean, wouldn't he be happy that you've only been with one other person?" She shakes her head and I try to ignore the way the word 'person' makes me feel, because it seems so impersonal, like Edward was just someone along a timeline.
"Guys are so stupid," she concludes and I nod, because, yes. Guys are stupid.
"Are you gonna tell Edward?" she asks and the question surprises me because she of all people should know I would never, under any circumstances, tell Edward that Mike did anything to hurt me, but she's already backtracking when she sees my face. "No, I mean, are you going to tell him you broke up with Mike?"
I stare at her with a wordless horror because this hasn't even crossed my mind. In everything that's happened in the last hour, the idea of telling my imprisoned ex-boyfriend that I've just left my current boyfriend is so mind- and life-altering, that my brain has completely shut out the idea.
And Beth.
What is her plan now?
She can't use Mike against Edward anymore, so what can she use?
"Jesus, you think he'd take it that badly?" Alice asks in response to my heavy silence.
"God," I moan, dropping my head to the table. "I don't even know. I might not even tell him."
"You think he'd ask?" she asks and I stare over at her, suddenly tense.
"Alice…" I start and then shake my head because I don't even know how to explain the depths of Edward's feelings at this point.
Ask? I feel like he already knows.
"What's he like now?" Alice asks. "Has he changed at all?"
I can sense a genuine curiosity, a genuine concern and I wonder if this is coming from her, or Jasper.
"He's quiet," I say.
"He's always been quiet," she retorts, but I shake my head.
"No, like, he barely talks to anyone. He only started talking when the therapist asked me to talk about Mike."
"What did you say about him?" she asks and I see a hint of the Alice I know from the intrigued look on her face.
"I don't know. She told me to list the reasons that I love him," I say.
Alice raises her eyebrows. "And?" she presses. "What were they?"
I try to think back to my answers but I'm having a hard time remembering exactly what I said, because all I can hear is Edward's voice, asking why I was doing this to him, and all I can see are Edward's eyes, begging me to stop.
"I think I said he was sweet and takes care of me." Alice raises a single eyebrow in defiance and I understand the irony. Then, I flinch. "I said I like that my mom likes him."
Alice grimaces and I feel badly all over again even though I hadn't meant for the words to be a dig at Edward in the least.
"Remember when you told me how you demanded your mom to list off the reasons she doesn't think Edward is good enough for you?"
I nod reluctantly, because I don't know where she is going with this and I don't know if I want to know where she is going with this.
"And you said she could barely even come up with one? She was just, like, stuttering and talking in circles?"
Again, I nod.
"Well," she says, and her voice softens. It's something she does when she's about to say something slightly harsh, something that you probably don't want to hear. I refrain from plugging my ears. "I bet that's what you sounded like to Edward when you were listing off the things you love about Mike."
I suck in a breath.
"And I'm not saying you didn't love Mike…" she trails off and then shrugs as though everything she is saying is meant to be taken lightly. "I'm just saying, the reasons you say you love him are such bullshit, Bella."
The silence in my mind is deafening.
"Think of all the reasons you loved Edward, and compare them to the boring, mediocre reasons you loved Mike," she adds when I don't answer but I refuse to think of the reasons I loved Edward because I'm not ready to fall down that hole. I know once I fall, it's going to be hell getting back up.
"I thought you were anti-Edward," I say instead and my voice is flat.
"I've never been anti-Edward," Alice says and that's such bullshit because, towards the end of senior year, I could see the anti-Edward, anti-Bella look in her eyes. "I'm just anti-letting-him-get-away-with-everything."
My jaw drops and I quickly snap it shut, hurt that she would even say that. "And you think I let him get away with everything?"
"I mean, the proof is in the three years you were together, Bella," she retorts.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I snap and then close my eyes because getting in another fight with Alice is the last thing I want to do. Besides, isn't this what I called her for in the first place? Didn't I want her opinion on this…on everything?
"Sorry," I say when I blink over at her, but the look on her face is nothing but sympathetic. It makes the lump in my throat harder to breath around.
"I'm not trying to blame you, Bella, I'm just saying that Edward never had consequences other than a slap on his wrist from the school system and he didn't care about them. All he cared about was you and you were there for him no matter what. You never gave him an ultimatum."
"Like what?" I ask. My tone is harsher than I mean for it to be.
"I don't know," Alice says with a shrug, "but wouldn't an ultimatum be better than where he is now?"
And even though I shake my head and go back to staring down at the small lettering on the side of my melting smoothie, I can't help but to think about the time that I did give him an ultimatum—and Alice is right.
I gave him one, but never fell through with it. I was there for him, even when I thought he was wrong.
He could fight, because he knew I'd stay by his side.