I do not own Twilight.
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"So, what do you talk about?"
Alice glances over at me from behind her sunglasses when I don't answer. She's driving me to my mom's house now, even though I'm not sure I want to leave her just yet.
I shrug.
"Not too much," I say, because truthfully, we haven't spoken about much. "About Mike, about how Edward and I aren't good for each other. Things like that."
Alice grimaces.
"Jesus," she says. "How does he take that?"
"Um, not well." I can't help but to laugh, though there's not a trace of humor in the sound. "It's like a push and pull. I try to convince him that I've moved on, and he tries to convince me that I haven't. That's basically it."
She looks over at me and even though I can't see her eyes, I know the look she's giving me. She wants to ask if I've moved on, but instead she asks, "What about his dad?"
"What about him?" I ask.
She looks at me like I'm stupid.
"You never talk about how abusive his dad was? How his mom left in the middle of senior year without a word? I feel like that probably has a lot to do with his issues."
I wince at the term 'issues'.
"No, we don't ever get on that subject." I shake my head and stare out the window, glad that we haven't broached that subject because I know it will be harder for me to remain so distant with him if I see that pain in his eyes again. "I mean, Emmett goes to the sessions and I'm sure Edward has one-on-one sessions," the thought of that, with Beth, makes me feel sick. "They probably talk about all that stuff during those sessions."
Alice nods distractedly and I get the feeling she thinks I should be doing more. I think I should be doing more. All our sessions start with his silence, continue with us arguing over whether I've moved on or not, and then ends with one of us bolting because we don't like the direction it's taken.
"How's his therapist?"
I roll my head to look at her with a marked expression and she laughs.
"Her name's Beth and I'm pretty sure she's in love with him," I say.
"How so?" Alice laughs.
"She babies him. She touches him." I sigh. "She tries to make me out as the bad guy."
"Are you the bad guy?" Alice asks, and I hate the question because it's one that I've been asking myself. All this time, I've thought all of this lands on Edward, but now, I'm not so sure.
"Remember that fight Edward had with Tyler?" I ask instead of answering her question directly. She doesn't like it, but nods. "Well, afterwards, we both were in guidance. You remember Patty?"
Alice nods and raises her eyebrows, which is everyone's reaction to the reminder of Patty, the high school guidance counselor.
"Well," I continue, "she told me that Edward fights because of my reactions."
"What do you mean?" Alice asks.
"She said, well, she implied, that most of the fights happen because he's so attentive to my reactions. Like, he's trying to prevent me from being upset, and fighting is the only way he knows how."
I look over at Alice because she doesn't say anything. She's staring out at the road, a thoughtful look on her face.
"Do you think she was right?" she asks after a few seconds.
I look away, staring at the passing trees just outside of my neighborhood. The sky is gray, the road is gray, even the trees look gray. Everything is just dull and lifeless. It reflects how I feel.
"That's what I'm trying to figure out," I say eventually.