Chapter Three; Shattered Memories and Broken Hearts
Bursting through the double doors which opened into the healing rooms, Sif wasted no time in beginning her search for Eir.
She had been the one who had cared for her upon her return after being abducted by Loki, so she hoped that perhaps with her assistance she may be able to piece the fragments of her shattered memory back together.
She wasn't entirely sure why it suddenly seemed so important to her, months had passed by since her ordeal. People still avoided mentioning the trickster's name when in her presence, she noticed that. And even found it mildly amusing, because the truth was she felt utterly disjointed and disconnected to the entire incident. It didn't seem possible that it was her who he had taken. It was almost as if it were a taboo story about someone else, that people were mindful of speaking about.
But the fact remained it had happened to her. And she was overcome with the need to discover why.
Perhaps, she reasoned with herself, it was due to the alcohol she had consumed. Maybe it was having some bizarre affect on her. Or maybe, her focusing on this now was serving as a welcome distraction from pining over Thor.
All she knew was, she was driven on by a sense of urgency that would not wait until the morning.
At long last, after having checked several rooms for signs of life, she finally stumbled upon one of the healers. But it was Nanna not Eir, much to Sif's dismay.
"Where is Eir? I wish to speak with her immediately."
She announced, acknowledging the young woman's startled expression.
"L-lady Sif...the hour is late, Eir has retired to bed-"
"Then I beseech you to fetch her, it as a matter of upmost importance."
Sif insisted, her determination unwavering.
Approaching her curiously, Nanna registered the somewhat bleary look in the shield maiden's eyes and instantly recognised she'd been drinking.
"Perhaps my lady, if you could return in the morning after you have rested-"
"No I shall not rest until I speak with her."
"Is there something perhaps I may be able to assist you with?"
Nanna offered, hoping to pacify the agitated warrior.
Shaking her head dismissively Sif began contemplating searching the entire facility herself for Eir,
"No, I have questions I must ask about the disgraced prince, and-"
"Loki?"
Nanna interrupted her somewhat abruptly, rendering her temporarily silent,
"I cared for Prince Loki during his time here...is he unwell?"
Sif surveyed the healer's face closely, even though she had been deep in her cups all evening, her wits were not completely dulled.
"Loki, was in here? When? And for how long?"
"Many weeks my lady, he was admitted for convalescence after his treatment, which he received upon arrival."
Nanna explained, her face now filled with confusion,
"Did you not know this my lady?"
Tilting her head to one side, still scrutinising her face, Sif deliberately ignored the question,
"Why did he require time to convalesce?"
"His highness was suffering from severe depression and emotionally he was in a somewhat fragile state...I feared he would relapse once subjected to imprisonment."
"Fragile state?"
Sif scoffed openly at Nanna's words,
"This is the wicked Loki you are referring to? I refuse to believe such a ridiculous notion."
"I assure you my lady I speak only the truth, his highness the prince was utterly heartbroken..."
She broke off suddenly, realising she had already gone too far.
But it was too late.
Eyes widening, Sif digested the healer's words and attempted to process their meaning.
"Heartbroken...why use such a phrase?"
"I, I meant nothing by it...please put it from your mind my lady. I am tired and not thinking clearly-"
She stammered, visibly flustered.
"No, why would you choose that particular expression? There must be a reason?"
Sif demanded.
"No, my lady they are nothing more than words. Please you must not place any emphasis on what I have said."
Nanna implored her,
"I wrongly assumed you were here to discuss his highness' condition."
"No, I came in search of answers in relation to why my memory is still impaired. Initially I was led to believe it was due to shock after having endured such an ordeal at the hands of that wretch..."
Nanna perceptibly flinched at Sif's scathing remark, and it did not go unnoticed by her.
"...I demand to know why my memory has not yet begun to return. I was seeking an explanation from Eir, yet instead I find intrigue and ignorance!"
"Ignorance my lady?"
Nanna blinked rapidly,
"I know not of what you speak."
"Do you not? Then I shall put it simply for you so that you might comprehend my meaning...you madam, appear to be ignorant to Loki's ill treatment of me, otherwise you would not wince as you did when I spoke plainly about his character. Are you besotted with him? Did he beguile you with his sorcery?"
"No!"
Nanna replied tersely, her peachy complexion colouring slightly,
"He did no such thing. But he is not the devil some would paint him to be."
Incensed by the woman's proclamation, Sif rounded on her angrily,
"You dare defend a traitor such as he? Despite everything he has done, to his family, to the kingdom, to the nine realms...to me?!"
"He did not mistreat you my lady."
Nanna pointed out, bravely standing her ground in spite of the shield maiden oppressing her,
"You cannot remember, but he would never..."
Her words trailed off and she lowered her head, reluctant to meet Sif's eyes.
Unable to understand why her guts suddenly felt as if they were twisting into knots, Sif hurriedly backed away from her.
It was warm and claustrophobic in the room, and her nerves were jangling as she desperately tried to make sense of everything.
"My lady, I shall fetch Eir...perhaps she can put your mind at ease."
Nanna was saying now, though she barely heard her.
"No, I no longer wish to discuss the matter."
"But my lady, if you have concerns in relation to your memory loss-"
"No!"
Sif yelled, her agitation growing,
"There is nothing more to say at present."
With that she turned on her heel and marched away, back through the maze of hallways towards the doors.
She felt incredibly hot, and nauseous. Which she attributed to the vast amount of ale she'd consumed. She really felt like collapsing in her bed, and sleeping for an eternity. But driven by her nagging curiosity and desire to uncover the truth, she realised she would not be able to rest until sated.
Perhaps Tyr had been right. As much as she loathed to admit it, perhaps there was only one person who could supply her with what she needed.
Loki lay flat on his back on the narrow bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. To the untrained eye it might've appeared he was absentmindedly lounging in an attempt to sleep. But he was desperately trying to steady his breathing and calm his mind.
He despised night time the most. The prisons were eerily quiet and the heavy silence was stifling, as the walls began to close in on him.
Thoughts of the outside world no longer brought him any comfort, only misery. All the simple things that he once took for granted he now longed for. He wanted to smell the jasmine in the summer night air, hear the nightingale singing in the woods, and see the pale beauty of the moon in the midnight blue sky streaked with grey.
But he was trapped...trapped and suffocating. His heart beat heavily within his chest, serving as a reminder that he still had one and it actually worked. But for what purpose? He would much rather be dead. To die with dignity, honourably was what he wanted. To escape the emptiness he felt inside. To escape the humiliation and torture of being contained like a fish in a bowl.
Fighting the urge to curl up into the foetal position and bury his face in his pillow, he allowed his thoughts to drift to Sif. He closed his eyes tightly and pictured her beautiful face. Her full, rose bud lips and large expressive brown eyes. The faint scent of heather in her hair, and her gentle touch. His heart ached at the memory but it temporarily soothed his frayed nerves and helped quell the panic attack.
Just then his keen senses began tingling and the small hairs on the nape of his neck rose as the familiar feeling of being watched crept over him. Someone was approaching his cell. He could hear them now. No doubt it was Tyr, returning to taunt him again with tales of how his once beloved Sif was revelling in Thor's company.
Slowly he swung his long legs off the bed and rose, though it took great effort. His limbs, like his heart, felt like lead. But being a master of deception he managed to compose himself.
It wasn't however to last, when instead of seeing the familiar figure of a guard as expected, he was met with the sight of Sif. His Sif. She was here. She had come.
Blinking rapidly, the astonishment was clearly visible in his expression. His heart leaped from his chest and up into his throat, and his mind struggled to process what he was seeing. Was she real? Had he finally gone completely mad? His mind had to be playing tricks on him. Perhaps he had finally lost himself in his illusions. Had he forgotten what was real? The lines of reality and fantasy had become blurred and distorted.
"Sif?"
He managed in a small voice,
"After all this time, you came."
She stared back at him as he approached the barrier.
Her facial expression was unreadable but her eyes were cold. They no longer looked upon him lovingly. He should have anticipated this change in her but still it hurt, and nothing could have prepared him for the gravity of her words when at last she spoke.
"You...you are Loki?"
His brow furrowed,
"Wha-what?"
She registered the look of confusion on his face. His slender face with its high-arched cheekbones, smoothly shaven and unfamiliar to her.
He looked like an angel. A dark angel with his complexion like ivory and mane of raven hair. So this was the fallen prince. The traitor. Her captor. His innocent face was deceptive. He was the harbinger of chaos, the threat to Asgard and the one solely responsible for her current state of mind.
"Don't you know me Sif?"
He was asking now, looking pained.
She need not reply. Her silence spoke volumes. She did not even recognise him. And in that instant he felt as though his heart was being torn from his body and ripped in two by her bare hands.
But he needed for her to say it. To speak the words aloud.
"Tell me!"
He yelled in anguish.
Startled by his outburst, Sif took a step backwards,
"There's nothing..."
She replied shakily,
"...you are unknown to me. I feel nothing when I look upon you. Not even the smallest spark of recognition."
Turning away abruptly in order to hide the tears that had formed in his eyes, he fought to regain his composure. His legs threatened to buckle at the knee, and he daren't speak for fear of his voice cracking with emotion.
"Tell me why that is so? I cannot remember...what did you do to me? I must know."
She continued.
Swallowing hard, he managed to suppress a sob but when he spoke his voice was strained,
"I let you go..."
A heavy silence hung between them, the atmosphere tense as she desperately tried to make sense of his words.
He had a reputation for being a riddler, for speaking cryptically and not answering plainly.
Her temper suddenly flared and got the better of her,
"Do not play games with me trickster-"
"Ah now there's the Sif I know and love."
He jokingly interrupted, forcing a tight smile.
She faltered, his choice of words seemed to hit a nerve somewhere deep inside. She felt something stir within her and it made her feel uneasy. Anger, resentment and contempt. They were the main feelings she ought to harbour towards this man. This stranger to her. And not only was she driven by the need to know why she no longer knew him, she also needed to know something else...
"Just what am I to you?"
She demanded,
"Thor tells me nothing-"
"What of Thor?"
He snapped, suddenly irritated by the mere mention of the Thunderer.
Whipping around to face her, he surveyed her closely,
"More importantly my lady, what is he to you?"
Unable to find the words to respond, she reluctantly met his emerald eyes and saw them darken. Hardening along with his expression.
"You're nothing..."
He spat, his velveteen voice now dripping venom,
"...you're nothing to me."
Turning on his heel, he walked away from the periphery of the cell and stood with his back to her.
"But you-"
"We're done!"
He growled, without turning around.
Frustrated and angered, she made to storm away, when suddenly she became overwhelmed with the feeling of nausea and heat which seemed to engulf her. She staggered slightly, the noise of which instantly captured Loki's attention, and brought him hurrying to the edge of the force field once more.
"Sif, what is wrong?"
His voice was filled with concern, but she could scarcely hear him.
The room was spinning for her now, and everything fell out of focus. All she could feel was the intense heat which seemed to be consuming her from the inside out.
"Guards! Help! Please help!"
Loki called out, which brought several of them running towards her.
Agitated, all he could do was look on helplessly with growing apprehension as they took her gently by the arms between them, and began assisting her back out towards the doors.