This is a fanfic. The original work belongs to the marvelous Suzanne Collins and any other co-owner. You want to read a good story? start with the original. This is merely my bad take of the story I've fallen in love with.
I make no profit...
Chapter 17
It's the last day of training and my nerves are shot to hell. Peeta has tried to make me cheerful all morning, but my gloomy disposition has even him taking a distance from me. On top of that Haymitch is adamant that I strive to be more pleasant. While the rest may see a young girl with a reserved smile Haymitch sees the instability underneath. He would probably take his chances with Peeta if not for the fact that I'm just as sly as him.
He is somewhat impressed with how little I've given away, but still maintain enough of a spark to keep it interesting. He tells me that my popularity was mainly due to me volunteering and the fact that Peeta make me look kind. The unity stunt we pulled have giving me admirers, but not enough to insure anything when the cannon goes off.
"You need to give more to gain more. You only have so much time left." He says and holds up his thumb and fore finger, showing but an inch of space right before my face. My mood becomes even gloomier after that: it was just like the first time around. I thought I had made a better impression. I haven't been nearly as prideful and cold this time around.
Why is it that my success always comes back to Peeta? Can't I be anyone without him?
The answer I get scares me, for it means I have to find a way to mend us together again and one of us is broken beyond repair; Without Peeta I'll never have the power to become the girl on fire. He has saved me from the edge so many time that I have stopped counting. Or is it going to, will, should? Oh! This is confusing. Peeta is the one that brings out my kindness, goodness and light. Without him I'm dark, cold and alone.
The only other light in my life being Prim, and she doesn't need me to be human. Only strong enough to keep her alive.
I swallow my pride and anger. Resolved to follow Haymitch advice, yet again. So when the doors open to the training-room I force myself to change, trying to be all smiles and easiness. I even make lewd comments to Glimmer about roofs and moonlight. Making her blush and curse at me. I talk to the others around Peeta, not being too friendly. Only more polite. Trying to show me good side to the onlookers.
I'm amazed that they seem to buy it. The sponsors look towards my area almost from the start, mostly when I laugh or make a joke. Forcing the current company to laugh with me or look dumb. Prim and mom will be shocked if they were allowed to watch this. Before I came here I hardly ever laugh around them, or anyone. My cheeks hurt from all the fake smiling.
Peeta happily follows my charade and any mistake I do he quickly saves, but he still keeps a distance. Not willing to be subjected to my laps and silent mood swings.
Cato is not pleased by my act. He has tried since day one to win over the potential sponsor, making most of them a bit tired of him it seemed. My odd behavior was luring them towards me area of the facility. Forcing him to struggle even harder for attention and not to look an idiot while doing it. Clover, Marvel and the other careers helping him. The entire area is one big struggle of tributes fighting for attention within the hour. All smiling while doing so.
It's sickening, but a necessity.
The surprise of the day is that I lose myself in my character; I find myself smiling and laughing for real. Sometimes it even makes me feel like I'm actually sixteen and not twenty-six. Those instances are few and I work through the chock quickly when they happen. I will think about it more later, since everyone in this room wants me dead. Except Peeta, a fact that gives me great comfort and security.
When it's time for dinner Effie collects us for some last minutes advice. We follow her without a word and I can finally stop smiling as the elevator-doors close. We only have two more hours before the private sessions begins. Effie has been trying to coach us ever since we entered the train, in her own way, for the events to come. I have tried to listen as best I could, but most of her wisdom are hidden behind insipid words or told from an innocent point of view.
["The sponsors want to see your beauty and elegance..." meaning"Whatever you do don't stumble, stutter or insult anyone. Always do everything with grace so they love you"].
As we eat Effie talks, Haymitch speaking in between. Both trying to get as much in as they can before we go down again. When we finished I'm thankful that it is Haymitch that follows us down. Effie being too nervous to go outside the door.
"I made a blunder today." Peeta breaks the silent. Making Haymitch focus on us. He stares at him with tired eyes. Waiting for an explanation. "I accidentally showed Marvel and Noah my strength when we were lifting weights."
"And Noah is?" Haymitch drawled.
"Boy from three." Peeta say. Haymitch nods.
"What's his strength?"
"Explosives, smarts, but otherwise small and weak." I say deadpan. Remember the pain from our late meeting and his death.
"It wasn't much, but I could lift more than them and I think Marvel got suspicious. He was talking to Cato later." Peeta explained nervously. I had missed the whole interaction, but could guess what he was worried about. Peeta didn't want the careers to target him. He knew he wouldn't survive that.
"It might be good. Give them a taste, but nothing resolute. They might be curious enough to let you live… or give you a drink before skewering you." Haymitch says after some thinking and clap Peeta on the shoulder before the elevator comes to a stop. "Play the friend, use your talents and hope you live." He push us out the doors and smirks.
Peeta is pale, but Haymitch words makes me remember something Peeta told me a long time ago: How Effie was Haymitch front, while he moved about in the background. Like a serpent in a beautiful garden. One petite flower using her beauty to stealing the attention, letting the predator though when the gardener wasn't looking. I find myself having fallen for that front. Almost every interaction with our handler have unnoticeable made me think of Haymitch as the drunk… something he's done on purpose. *I know better, how the fuck?*
The thought is shilling, but it makes me glad that they our handler. Haymitch will keep us alive and Effie will make it look like it isn't so.
If they can fool me they can fool anybody.
"That man's nuts." Peeta states when we're sure Haymitch are gone. I nod in agreement,
"Utter bonkers. But his our nutcase." I answer. We read in between the lines for the actual words we want to say. Having to pinch ourselves to prevent our shock from showing. Both clearly amazed that the capitol has missed such a dangerous person. After that nothing else is said and soon we have split up to continue training. There still some time left and it would be stupid to waste it. The other tributes must have thought the same for they were all here. Fully focused and divided. The tension was thick.
…
When the clock strikes five every tributes leaves the training-ground. We move as a whole towards the mach-room. It is a room specially design for tributes, from there we will be led to the private sessions. There are twenty-four seats, all numbered after the districts. Twelve is the furthest from the door made out of soundproofed iron. Behind it waits the gamemakers, our future executioners, and the sponsors.
The mach-room is small and bare. The only thing mentionable is the walls. The concrete wall hold every name of tributes fallen. Around me there are one-thousand-seven-hundred and nine names, it should be six names less but we only have sixty-seven surviving tributes. Some older than Mags and even one younger than me. Their names are lettered in gold. Soon most of our names will join them.
It brings back memories from old; off Haymitch telling us to go all out at these session, adamant that we didn't waste the opportunity. Not understanding then that the points weren't so much for our sake as for our handlers, it gave them an edge when they worked the sponsors. I needed every sponsor I could get; Haymitch had told me they weren't buying my story completely, they had noticed the edge underneath and my instability.
Every tribute leaves the room with a heavy heart. As their time draws close more than one tribute breaks down and starts crying. That is the reason why the gamekeepers will never show the private sessions. The pain, anguish and fear we all experience behind the closed doors are for their amusement alone. The only thing the public will see is the points and a resume of our best training-moments; it's no wonder that careers get more screen time than the rest of us.
Every tribute get about ten minutes with the gamekeepers, longer if a request is voiced. Cato, Glimmer, Thresh and foxgirl a.k.a Finch was in there for over twenty minutes, each. One girl ran out after six, crying bitter tears. It takes over three hours before it is Peeta's turn. As he stands I grab hold of his arm. He looks down at me, pale.
"You can do this, I know you can." I whisper at him, saying it to both of us really. Peeta just nods and gives me a reassuring smile before entering. Then I'm alone, not a single person left, only the names staring at me as I think about the next step. The plan I had this morning felt weaker by the minute.
Fifteen minutes passes and Peeta doesn't return. I wait another three before I start getting real nervous and insecure. It hadn't taken this long the first time and it makes me question everything. He finally emerge from the room after twenty-three minutes. A fake smile on his lips, at least he isn't as pale. From the sweat on him and the rosy cheeks I'm guessing he went for strength again. Hopefully he tested a few swords and spears to. I'm a bit relieved when laughter can be heard from the test-room. He doesn't speak or look at me as he passes. His eyes are dead, staring into space as the elevator door shuts. Atala stands at the door, calling my name.
With a weak plan and a feeling of dread I get up. Knowing only one thing as I entered the room and the door shut behind me; the spearing of an apple was out, too much bad attention would come out of it. I've been a bit of everything in the gamemakers eyes; sad, silent, strong, weak, happy and content. They probably seen every hidden moment where I've lost it and then some. I really needed to impress them today to get high scores.
There are about twenty viewers, standing on a balcony three meter up, at the far end of the room. Just as the training-facility this room holds everything a tribute could need. Nobody's paying any attention to me as I walk forward. They have been here for over three hours and watch everyone else whilst drinking and eating; they are tired, content and wants to go home. Unlike last time this doesn't anger me, only make the pressure to impress greater.
I will go for the bow immediately, trying to impress with my main talent. I almost forget to greet them in my haste to get to the archer-section. The only thing making me stop is a movement from one of the men upstairs. Bringing home that some politeness and social conversation can only help me. Hopefully they are in a good mood after Peeta.
"Katniss Everdeen, district twelve." I say in a strong voice, standing below them. Gaining some of their attention. Making me breath a bit.
"Welcome Miss Everdeen. What will you show us today?" It is Senestra Crane that speaks. Clearly going through the process. He is as I remember: thin, tall and a capitolist to the teeth. He is dressed in a dark smaragdine colored suit with silver linings, looking like a popsicle. His beard and mustache shaped like heart around his slim jaw and thin mouth.
"I will show you archery." I tell him, trying to sound cheery and young. I have to strain my smile when I hear one of them mumbling "Again".
When I get the 'go-ahead-sign' I quickly walk over to the archery station. Afraid of losing the crowd. While weighting the different bows I try to engage them with small talk, mostly to make them laugh and pay attention. I don't fully succeed, but they are looking.
I can feel my fingers twitch as I touch the gems underneath my hand. There is a wide variety of bows before me; some in wood, others in plastic and most in different metals. I chose a simple wood-bow, similar to my fathers and grab a handful of arrows. I hurry over to the shooting range. I still have my group's attention and as I line up before the targets I feel a lot more secured. I won't miss this time, I'm not as nervous as I once been.
The string is tighter than what I am used to. My thin arms and weak muscles hindering me. I have it under control after some pulls back and forth to loosen it up. I smile up to the gamemakers and grab three bows in my right hand. I let the first bow rest on the outside of the bow and pull back. I take aim and fire. In less than a second I have manage to reload the other two arrows and let them fly. All three of them hits the dummy. On in its chest, the other in the left arm and the third in the stomach.
I turn around with a real smile. Confident that I have impressed them with my speed and accuracy. Not many can shot that well with a bow. The applauds that reach me is not for my shot, but for the pig that just been brought in. I only have one or two sponsor that actually looked long enough to notice the shots, but they look bored.
Cursing silently for their ignorance and superiority I'm sorely tempted to fire of the arrow at the pig. *I freaking succeeded. I'm trying to prevent a war, notice me you a'holes. I will not die for you.* My hands itch for retribution but there's less than seven minutes left off my time. With so much weighting in the balance I look for another way to gain their attention. I drop the arrow and run over to the tables to my left. Quickly looking over my options. They have knives, hammer, short and long swords, weights and rope. I grab a small rope that is red and a sharp knife as an insane plan forms in my mind. One that will test the boundaries and yet, hopefully, impressed them.
Running to another table next I look over several different survival equipment and tools. Grabbing three canisters, all filled with oil or alcohol. The third table has rings and potatoes as well as flour. I have what I need in less than five minutes. Feeling the pressure I hurry to the center of the room and start cutting the rope in different lengths. Then I tie them to the main line, which is shot over a looming belk. Relieved as it goes over without any problems I start hoisting the rope up, keeping one foot firmly on the end as I tie rings, potatoes and oil to the added lines. My hard work pays off, some of the gamemakers are throwing interested looks my way. *They seen nothing yet.* I have to tie the end rope around my waist as I'm done, having forgotten to collect weights and time being an issue. Thankfully the rope is long enough.
There less than two minutes left and my hands are shaking from the adrenaline rush. I grab the arrow kit, securing it to my side and go down on one knee. The bow on the ground before me. I take a deep breath, count to three and then I'm off. I rip the bow up from the ground and load it with an arrow. The first shoot hits one off the potatoes dead on. I reload quickly as I run and aim for the next target. Jumping over tables and equipment as I go. This continue until every potato is hit, not a single arrow missing its target. The ropes are moving as I run, making it even harder.
That's when I start aiming for the rings. The arrows going through them effortlessly, lodging themselves deep into the concrete walls. I have the entire group's attention now. Good, my time's nearly up so I take my biggest jump yet, up onto a moving cart and aim. The arrow hit a bag of flour, the other a can of oil.
The next one will miss, I leaned too much to the left as I fired… and my time is up. I want to scream. But then the sound of metal hitting metal rings in the room and a sudden spark appear. A spark that starts a chain reaction.
In less than two seconds three booms shocks the room. The first spark setting fire to one of the oil-cans, who in turn exploded and lit the other oil-cans. This in turn light the flour on fire. Making it explode in the air, dispersing a white-powder-cloud in the room. No one moves until the dust has settle, then every face of the gamekeepers stare at me, shocked. The peacekeepers below have their weapons trained and ready to shot. I wisely don't move.
It only on the gamemakers demand that the peacekeepers holster their weapons and I can unknot the rope around my waist, which are a relief as it is on fire. The room are destroyed, flour everywhere. I'm as surprised as the rest of them, this was not my plan. I only wanted them to see how I handle different weight and moving objects. However, I had to pretend it was intentional or I would suffer for it later, so I bowed before them and said in a clear voice,
"Thank you for your consideration." Locking eyes with Senestra Cane, his shocked face bringing down the severity of my situation. After that I'm quick to leave the room. It when the elevator door closes before me that my shoulder starts to shake and my eyes tears up. Soon I'm laughing so hard that I can't control myself, falling to the floor in hysterics. I've just made a bomb under the nose of the elite capitolists'; while they were eating a pig. So much for my plan to avoid bad attention.
President Snow will not be happy.
The laughter continues, edge with panic and despair.
…
Effie is not amused.
She is in fact furious at me. Ever since the elevator-doors opened and displayed me she has been in a horrible mood. After getting the whole story she even went into a full on rage at my foolishness. How had I dared do something so dangerous?
Letting her rave was the easiest thing to do whilst trying to look contrite. Lucretia was getting the flower out of my hair at the same time Effie was marching back and forth before my bed, her dress swishing in the air. I could feel the Avox's hands trembling form withhold laughter, making me in turn want to laugh. We manage to control ourselves. It wasn't until much later as we were sitting in the lounge area that Effie calmed down. Running out of things to complain about.
"What were you thinking Katniss?" She eventually asked me in a defeated voice. Her eyes heavy with worry.
"Wasn't." I answer. "I didn't think it would catch on fire. I only wanted them to notice me."
"Well, you did that. They will definitely have noticed you." Effie said in exasperation.
The conversation that followed was much more peaceful and calm. Making me truly enjoy Effie's company. Peeta was first to arrive and interrupt our talk. He had been detained by Portia that wanted some last minutes measures and ask about the meeting. Making me a bit jealous that Cinna hadn't checked in. Effie reassured me he would come by later.
"How did it go for you dear?" Effie inquired worriedly. Afraid of another blunder.
"Okay. I showed them my strength, some camouflage and spear throwing. I seemed to impress them, some even talked to me as I worked." He tells us with a shrug. Not willing to go into detail. I can see the nervousness in his eyes as he talks. He is concerned about the fact they detained him for so long, but we try to reassure him that it could only be a good thing.
After that everything mellowed out and we were all trying to avoid mentioning the upcoming results. Haymitch came later, having been out on the town and mingling. Getting a feel of our current popularity. Upon hearing about my daring stunt he gives me a big grin and an actual kiss on the cheek as congratulation. It's too close to the actual game to off me in the night he tells me somberly when Effie complains. Making Effie start in on him and soon another argument was in full bloom between the two. Peeta went and got us some snacks as we watch. Telling me between bites that it could have been worse.
I'm not overly worried, or so I tell myself. I didn't shot at them this time, but I was a bit concerned that my points would be low… or that the gamemakers had decided to kill me the moment the canon went off. Both fact that I tried my best not to think about.
Later Portia and Cinna joined us, both ignoring the fighting pair and inquiring about our health. It made me happy that Cinna was close, having missed him and his humor over the day. Portia was also a welcome face as it made Peeta even more relaxed and outgoing. Soon the avoxes' brought in support and we set down to eat. Afterwards we relocated to the entertainment room with drinks. The feeling was almost homey. Soon reality came knocking again as the screen lights up.
*It was time.*
The introductions are first, with a quick recap of event that's been and what's to come. Then finally judgment is upon us and as usually twelve is last. The careers' are first, their picture dominating the screen until their scores is revealed with a small summary of their strength underneath. Then comes the rest. Rue gets a high number with the comment; quick and agile, a real promise. Making me happy for her sake. Then it is Peeta turn. After a lot of talk and compliments the host reveals that he has gained an eight and that the gamemakers thought him to be: charming, strong and full of surprises. Portia was thrilled and Haymitch was congratulating a shocked Peeta that only stared at the scoreboard.
My turn comes next and my butterflies had turned into angry bees. Thankfully the hosts didn't spend too much time talking about me, they wanted to know my scores even more than we did; I received a seven. A relative high number and I almost cried over it. The gamemakers comments makes me more sober however: A girl worthy of the name *Girl on fire*. That was all and nothing else. The other where congratulating me, but all I could here was President Snow's voice in my head. Telling me that he was watching me. I had to close my eyes and breathe deeply to prevent myself from fainting.
"Hahaha. They seem to like your temper my little spitfire." Haymitch roared with laughter and I gave him a weak chuckle in response. Effie only huffing and tinkering with her glass as Cinna patted my knee. *Yeah. They like my temper… As long as they can control it.* I thought bitterly.
The interview is round up by comments from the gamemakers and civilians about every tribute. It gains the attention of the grownups. Peeta scoot closer and tentatively takes my hand in his. It's ice-cold. Making sure no one is looking he leans in, making as little space between us as possible.
"Are we friends Kattail?" Peeta asks, his voice filled with sadness and longing. There's a whole world behind that sentence. Dark and twisted. Peeta is looking for some light in the darkness; a person looking for a companion. As if his soul is as old and thorned as mine.
"We are tributes." The words are out of my mouth before I think, dead and cold. My old life flashing before my eyes. He seems hurt be my answer. As I look at Peeta I don't see a boy. I see a young man, my age, which is going through the same thing as me. Stuck in a bad situation, trying to survive. Only he doesn't know what coming. War, terror and nothing but pain.
"Yes, we are friend." I tell him as I squeeze his hand, this time with some warmth. Pushing the bad memories aside. "Friends, comrades, buddies. Whatever the word we are and more. I don't think you can be a tribute without being more." The dying screams of Finnick echoing inside me. *No, you can never be a tribute and not be more.*
Peeta gives me a sad nod in reply.
"I don't want them to change me." He whispers.
"Then don't let them." I reply, letting go of his hand and get up. Excusing myself to the others and escape. I run to my room and lock it from the inside. I need time alone. Away from everyone. Peeta words cutting me open. He seems to the only one able to break my calm exterior. The more I'm around him, the more instable I get.
He makes me feel like I'm no longer me, but the now me. His desperate need for a companion making want to comfort him. Putting me in a feel hopeless situation. I can't give him the comfort of familiar bonds, jokes and hugs. We are in a sense strangers. Only not from my perspective. I'm just as desperate, lost and alone as him, but I expect more out of our bond. A bond that hasn't even formed properly yet. It leaves me feeling raw and isolated, something that I can't really deal with. It makes me unsure of everything. Hammering home how utterly screwed we are if I can't find a way to cope when the hell begins.
How can one being bring this onslaught of motion out from nowhere? Within seconds? I need time to collect myself. To plan. It's too bad that I can't get a couple of years to do it on. I only have this night. Tomorrow is the interview and then… and then the ARENA. I'm not ready. I becoming more and more not ready as the days go by. I'm losing myself in the present, in the despair, hopelessness and dreary future. Being the odd girl out is slowly destroying me.
What to do?
Chapter 18
I lay in bed, thinking about the struggles to come, alone and chilled to the bone. Am I ready? Hell no. I create different scenarios about the many ways I can choose to do this and all of them end with me or Peeta dying horrible. Which is unacceptable.
If I take out one of the careers I will be seen as another tribute, desperately trying to survive and inspire nothing. Might be a good thing, but then I would be done into a sextoy for perverted elitists. If I run I'm judge as a coward and lose sponsors: be killed really fast because of it and someone else becoming a plaything. *Like Rue*. The thought fill me with horror. So on and so on it goes. It's hard to decide, even after a year of planning. What would be best course of action? Why am I the one that has to do this? I'm not the smart one; the one that plan. Can I really do this? Again? My head hurts from the many thoughts and doubts I have.
I move about restlessly in my room, unwilling to risk company by leaving it. I take a cold shower and then a hot one. Play with the wall-screen, with the pad and anything else in the room. I mutter as I walk, I shout silently as I beat the pillows. Not the best night of my life.
In the end I'm so exhausted that I just sit on my bed unmoving. Refusing to think or feel anything. I wish that I could speak to Prim. I need her voice right now. But… wait… I can listen to her. My head shot up and I throw myself after the pod. I turn it on and go true the different programs that the capitol has sent the last few days. I find her quickly; she has gotten a lot of attention, everyone wanting to meet the girl worth dying for. The reporters covering district twelve has fallen for her sweet face that much is clear as I see the list of clips available.
I start playing the first clip they done with her and soon her voice breaks the silence. It's like a cool balm to a burned soul. I play every clip they have on her and listen with deep longing for my baby-sister. It's the last clip of hers that really affects me.
"Primrose, how do you look upon your sister and her many moments in the Capitol?" A journalist asks Prim as they sit in one of the justice building's better rooms. Her hair is braided and my mother sits next to her. Both look a bit pale, but healthy. She hasn't gone hungry.
"You must be so proud of her." A female journalist states when my sister wait too long to speak.
"I'm very proud of my sister." Prim confirms after looking to mother. Weighing every word she says, afraid of saying the wrong thing and causing trouble. To the reporters she appears shy and uncomfortable of the spotlight, making them dot on her. I know my sister better.
"Katniss, she has always tried her best, in everything. No one can have a better caretaker." Her words make me smile. "In many ways she became a second parent after our father passed away; always looking after me and mother."
"Was it very hard on you, losing your father?" The male reporter asked. My sister only stares at him for a few second before answering.
"When my father died I grieved, but Katniss helped me. In many ways she became my father. She helped the both of us." Prim take mother hand and smile at the camera.
"My daughter has never been a child, not really. She always looks after us. Making sure we are safe and well. Her father's child she is and mine." Mother steps in and tells them, making the camera focus on her. She is clean and beautiful; A mature woman in her prime. I can for a second see why father loved her so deeply.
"How extraordinary, so Katniss Everdeen is your hero in a sense." The reported stated. Mom and Prim looked at the man and answer with a single word. "Yes."
With that the interviews was over and the screen goes dark. My world narrowed down to their last word; Yes. It has an earth shattering effect on me. I feel more powerful than I had ever felt. They knew. Prim and mother had noticed a difference in me and still accepted me, loved me. I don't know how I could be so certain, but I knew it to the core… they believed in me.
I could have shouted of joy at that moment. Feeling deliberated. Mom recognizing me as her daughter and as a person she could leaned on for support. I was her child, a member of the family. Something I hadn't been for a very long time. She didn't want only Prim or the old me. Her words made me realize was they had tried to say in all the interviews. They wanted me home again. They loved me.
I weep.
The feeling of belonging welling up inside me and I discover a sense of homesickness. Not that of my future, no, it was for my home here and now. For the first time in a year I felt like I belonged somewhere. I fitted in. The years poured off my shoulders, leaving in its wake a grieving child. A young women that been through war and hardship, desperately longing for her mother and sister. I wanted to go home.
A knock on the door startled me and I answer before I think:
"Come in."
I quickly turn my back to the door to erase any trace of tears; my face feeling hot and sore. The doors unlock at my permission and slowly open. It's Haymitch. He doesn't move further in, just leaning on the threshold for support. I was thankful for that much, hating the fact that he can see me in such a state. At least it wasn't Effie.
"I could hear you to the bar girl. Are you breaking down?" He sounds drunk. I turn to him and give him my best glare. "Ah, I take that as a no. So why all the tears?"
"Nerves. I messed up today. Nothing else, you can go back to your drink." I snap at him. He smirks at me and shrug his shoulders.
"Easy little cat, a dog might bite you in half otherwise." He states with a dangerous glint in his eyes. We looked at each other and an entire conversation takes place between us before he turns around and leaves.
~You have to be stronger, or you will die. ~
~I know. ~
~Weakness of this magnitude so close is lethal. ~
~Don't you think I've realized that? ~
~Hardly, or you wouldn't cry where they see you. ~
~Always monitored huh! ~
~Always. ~
~Give me this night and I will be strong tomorrow. ~
~You better, I'm betting a lot on you. ~
~I know. ~
~Don't fail me, I will leave your ass to die if you do. ~
~I'm the best you will ever have. You won't. ~
~Don't be so sure. ~
~…Asshole.~
~Aww. The nicest things you think. ~
I want to cuss. Haymitch ruined all the joy I've fleetingly had, but I was also grateful. He gave me a chance to reclaim my calm and a cold focus. I was more at ease as I lay down to sleep, finally almost feeling in control of myself.
I belonged here now.
My family's words helping me come to terms with that. I would not let anyone take that away from me again. I don't have a sound plan, but I just have to take every hurdle as they came. It was my way and the best plan at the moment since I had no other choice. It also helped that any onlookers that probably saw my current state would reported me as "scared and traumatized girl that is in no way a threat." My behavior these last few days behind these doors could only help to soften the mistakes I did outside of them.
I still have my concerns, but I can work passed them and get a few hours' sleep in before the big day.
I'm down in seconds; exhausted.
….
The morning begins with chaos and only gets worse. I'm collected by the prep-team at daybreak and put through a torture session that spans over the morning. By the time Cinna joins us I have already snapped at everyone at least twice; making him lose time by trying to ease everyone's ruffled feathers. He wisely makes sure that Haymitch is nowhere to be seen; only allowing Effie into the room to help prep me when lunch comes around.
Flavius, Octavia and Venia is appalled that I'm eating when I will be on camera later. I ignore them and try to inhale as much food as I can. Having missed breakfast and starving; letting Effie get in full up lecture mood before everything starts up again. It becomes apparent that Haymitch has prepared her well in what to say. Half the things out of her mouth are insults wrapped in fancy words and inquiries of my mental state, making me clench my teeth in aggravation as the hours tick by.
I miss Peeta's calm presence, but he wanted to focus more on his own today. I would have been upset if it wasn't for the fact that I also wanted some space. These last few days have been hard on us both, even if we have been able to seek each other out for comfort and support. The only one I see from his team is Portia: her and Cinna runs from room to room, making sure that their theme is holding strong. So far Cinna hasn't said anything about me fire-dress, but I hope it's the same. Octavia's and Effie's shout of surprise after lunch leading me to believe as much.
The day goes by with most off the team giving me orders how to talk, walk, behave and impress. By the time the actual interviews is about to start I'm almost relieved that it soon will be over. They have exhausted me with their constant nattering and as one by one they leave the room I get more and more relaxed. Soon only Cinna remains, Effie going to look in on Peeta for a moment.
I look at myself in the mirror. Stunned by the transformation and feeling like a doll. Flavious has styled my hair to lie across the shoulders in soft curls, going for a plain hairstyle to accentuate my face. A bit of his own flavor in it the added glitter. Octavia has put fake nails on my finger with a shiny new nail polish on them. Venia have restrained herself with the makeup, on Cinna's request. I only have a thin layer of foundation and rouge, added by a soft lip-gloss. He hasn't allowed them to do anything to my eyes; leaving me looking a bit stripped down and young.
Then Cinna finally comes in with the costume.
"What's this?" I stare at the odd dress he holds out for me.
"I had something spicier in mind at first, but thought you would appreciate looking young and a bit meek." He answered. "It has a surprise so don't worry, you will leave a mark out there."
Dread fills me. *Another thing different.*
"Flames?" I state lamely, Cinna smirks.
"Well, you are a girl with her own kindle. The name ~girl on fire~ is on everyone's lips. I would be a poor stylist if I didn't market it." I give him a snort and hold out my hand for the dress, they shake slightly. The dress had a lot more approached look than the one from last time. It was still one piece long-dress that touched the floor, but the design was very different. Even the color was complete off; going in grey, black and natural white instead of red and gold. He allows me to feel it before dressing me up. It felt like air upon touch.
The dress goes over my shoulders, showing of my neck and collarbones. It's made out of muslin, almost completely see-though, with a heart shaped underdress in sot-grey. A black half-corset made out of a metallic lace goes over one shoulder and across the waist; the pattern reminds me of rocks. I look upon it and realized that the dress is sculptured after my body, but still loose enough to "give a girly" feel.
*I wonder how it will match Peeta's costume, his old suit going in black and red.*
I want to twirl but think better of it. Not wanting to spoil Cinna's surprise for me. Already anticipating and dreading the reaction it will get since the muslin will flow out as I move.
Effie helps him with the minor details when she comes back from Peeta.
"Think they will like it?" I ask her, looking at her reflection, suddenly feeling shy.
"They will adore you." She tells me with a smile, excitement shining from her eyes.
"They will wonder what happen to the ~girl on fire, ~ you look meek girl." A dark voice grumbles from the back, revealing Haymitch as he enters and circles me: studying me from head to toe. Judging as well as warning. I give a silent nod in greeting and reassures before looking away.
"Everyone has really gotten hanged up on the whole fire-theme. Nothing else you want to throw in there?" I joke dryly, focusing on Cinna again. He shakes his head as Haymitch give a dark laughter.
"Be thankful for what you got. You could be like most of the other tributes: forgettable. " Effie makes a noise of protest at Haymitch words before forcing him to wait outside.
"We are almost done with her. Just some last minutes check and we don't need your input, so out." She tells him in a stern tone. When the door closes behind him Effie takes a deep breath and turns to me, clapping her hand together.
"Katniss, dear. We have tried to coach you as best we can." Effie starts, signaling to Cinna to be quiet. "But out there you are on your own. Hopefully you have listened somewhat to what I've said about presentation and polite conversation."
"I've listen." I mumble before she continues, clearly not believing me.
"The most important thing is to be as natural as you can be, but at the same time present what you expect them to be looking for." Effie tells me as she put a bracelet similar to the corset on my left hand. "If you fail at this remember: Smile, be polite and move on to next topic, fast."
Her words remind me off Peeta's old mantra. ~Smile until you're smiling, be pleasant until you are: never let them see the truth~ I used to live by that at formal functions, who could have known that Effie was behind it. Only, there I didn't have to talk and be center of attention as much as now. Soon every camera in the Capitol will be focused on me and me alone. For several minutes I'm going to be forced into talking to the very people that want to kill me, while everyone else is watching.
I'm not that good.
I look to Cinna for support, wanting Effie to stop, but he looks away. He only makes a small noise of objection when Effie holds up a couple of earrings. He doesn't want to spoil the neutral makeup with bling. Effie put them down without stopping in her speech. Telling me everything she can think about, most of it already said at least two times already. I suffer through it.
Afterwards Effie's escapes the room to give last minute support to Peeta, leaving me to face Haymitch and the crowd alone. I step towards the door almost in a trance. Stopped by Cinna's hand on my arm, my pale face turns to him. His eyes are warm and sad: offering me solidarity and support. I give him a shaky smile in appreciations.
"Think they buy it?" I ask.
"If you soften your stare." He tells me honestly. "It has a sharp edge to it, filled with bitterness and fear."
"There a lot to be fearful off." I say.
"Perhaps, but it won't keep you alive."
"No. I guess not." I mummer: thinking that I recognize this conversation, trying to remember if it was the same as last time.
"Don't be someone you're not… be Katniss: only not as broken around the edges." He continues. "It will take you far, I like you after all." He tells me as he correct the corset. "Find the thing that makes you warm, safe and happy. Project it at the person speaking to you. Imagine they are…"
"...Your friend, someone that you want to speak to. Like you, or Peeta. " I finish for him, remembering his advice. I take his hands in mine, squeezing them in thanks. He laughs at me.
"You will never be like any other Katniss, so why try. Just try not to get angry at the question asked. They are curious about you, let them be."
"I will try, but it's hard. I don't know them. Love them. I'm not that good at pretending either." I say as I stare down at my feet peeking out from underneath the dress. Cinna had chosen black low-heels that made me a couple of inches higher. I resist the urge to make the dress cover them.
What I was really thinking was that the pretending whilst pretending was wearing be down. I was slowly getting overwhelmed by it all and going out there on the stage was a daunting thought; trying to remember what I already done, given away or what to give away. This was a lot harder than I originally thought, everything coming to fast and for all directions. Hearing their dying screams didn't help either.
"Then speak to me out there, or to Peeta. Or why not Prim." He says.
"Prim?"
"I have a hard time believing that you could ever be angry at her, snap at her." He explains.
"You don't know much about sisters do you?" I drawl, getting some of my bite back.
"… Then look for me in the audience, I will help you." He tells me as Haymitch knocks on the door. Time's running out. "I will be close." He drops my hands and take a step back, giving me free access to the door. I start walking, but come to a stop as I push the control panel beside the door.
"Cinna." I say as the door opens. He looks at me. "Thank you for being a friend when I needed one." I tell him before turning to Haymitch. Not getting a reply. At first Haymitch doesn't say anything as we make our way backstage, but I can feel his stare.
"I have gotten a last minute resume of your status." He finally says as we start seeing a lot more people in the halls.
"How does it look?" I inquire.
"You're a star: they love you for your sacrifice. For the way you brought something new at the parade. I hope you thanked Cinna for your unforgettable look." He informs me. "But you really impressed the gamemakers when you made the room go Boom." At this he give a raw laugh, making more than one worker glance in our direction as we pass.
"Well that's a plus I guess." I say when he quiets down. "Only the real hurdle left then. Make them love me without any concealment."
"You almost got it, the whole ~girl on fire~ theme working in your favor." Haymitch makes me stop as he tells me this, forcing me to focus on him for a second. "Now you just need to give me just a little bit more; not much, just enough to gain you favors later."
"How does it look for Peeta? Do we still have a unity-front going? Can I use that?" I inquire in a lower tone.
"Somewhat. Out there he has to shine for himself as do you. It's not smart to let them get too much out of what you already given. It will cripple you later. "
"… Does Peeta know that? He has gone for that front as much as I." I question. More for Haymitch sake then my own, he truly believe that I'm playing a game here and I don't take that away from him. He will be more effective if he believes me to be lying. Believes me to be selfish.
"Seems to, although you both have a clear weakness for one another" is the quiet reply.
"We know our odds. Why hate each other for nothing?" I retaliate, hoping everything is caught on camera. If Snow sees this later he will most likely believe that I put myself first and any emotions for Peeta second. That there was true emotions in it all, not a personal rebellion. He hadn't believed it the first time, but maybe this one will be different. It will completely change the game plan, but I believe that to be for the best.
"Mm, well there is that! And speaking of the..." Haymitch starts only to wave at Peeta whose standing further back into the room we just entered. We have reached the others and the entire backstage is filled with workers, avoxes, camera-crew and peacekeepers. The ones I notice the best though is the tributes; they sparkle like diamonds in their outfits.
Peeta is outfitted in a white-gold two-piece-suit with black shirt and shoes. He looks like a god lost in a sea of monsters. His blond hair slicked back and glowing. I get lost in his stare as he looks at me, his blue eyes piercing my soul. For a moment I stop breathing and drink him in. Then he breaks eye-contact and gazes over the room. I follow.
The kids from district four are standing closest to Peeta, leaning on a white wall and waiting for the show to start. The boy is dressed in a high collared jacket with matching shorts; it shimmers in marine-blue as he moves. The girl's styled up in a coral inspired dress, with matching shoes and hair decoration.
I see Rue's next, in a princess inspired dress going in soft yellow. Still looking like a flower. I almost smile at that. She looks beautiful and innocent. Thresh stands over her, protecting, in a sleeveless, high-collar uniform. Finch from five stands a bit offside Rue, hiding in the shadows, I can't see her fellow tribute. She's dressed up in a ruschdress, looking like a flowing river.
Glimmer and Marvel are closes to the stage; already starting to form the line for the rest of us, probably because they are the first one to go out. Marvel is dressed in a blue and white three-piece-suit while Glimmer shines in her peach-pink halter-neck dress. Her fluffy skirt could blind you since it's covered in diamonds, her over the top styled hair adding to the glimmer. Not far from them are Cato and Clove, I almost snort at their style. Cato's outfit shows his muscles and skin, going in black and metal-silver. Clove is the only one in a pantsuit, its color similar to living fire; clear rip-off of Cinna's style. Her hair is done up in an elaborate ponytail braid while Cato's stands up like a shark fin.
When I see ten I stare. Their outfit can only be described as over-the-top. Susan's skirt looks to be made out of gold chains and her bust from melted rings. Timmer on the other hand has so much leather and cow skin on him that it's a wonder he can walk. Sienna from seven appears like an oriental goddess from behind me, breaking me from my trance. Her stylist has gone for exotic patterns and sewn in gems. She joins her fellow tribute that's outfitted in a red costume and talking to the female from nine. Who in turn is outfitted in an ice inspired dress whilst her partner goes in pale green.
District three's female is in a loose purple dress with techno-plate going over her chest while the male has a plainer suit on, in bright yellow. Both from six stands next to them, also being prepped; her in a moss-green coat with a form-fitting long dress, going in chestnut; looking like an old-world pilot; Him in a white and green suit.
The last two tributes I see is eight, they have just come in by the looks of it. They, as I, are trying to take it all in and find their place. The girl is dressed in emerald green long dress, with green plates in her hair whilst he's in a pastel pink kurta with black pants.
Everyone's stylist has gone all out on the stage-costumes. Every tribute is glowing. I'm the odd person out in my simple dress with natural color. I actually disappear in the chaos around me; no one pays me any attention as Haymitch leads me over to Peeta. The paus it gives me are more than welcomed. I actually get a few minutes of breathing space before we arrive at the other end.
Peeta greats us with a smile, but are too nervous to talk. I let there be silence as Haymitch depart; leaving us to face the rest alone. He most likely wants to get a good foot in with the rich capitolists' in the audience before the other handlers. I give him a silent wish of good luck. After the interview there is nothing else we tributes can do to lore sponsor, the rest is up to our handlers and a knot ties itself in my throat at the thought. Everyone's personal handler will be out for blood tonight.
It's only minutes left before the camera turns on again and the entire capitol can see us. I have to control my nerves, the urge to run is overwhelming. Perhaps that's why Haymitch placed Peeta so close. He has glanced my way constantly ever since Haymitch left. Watching; ready to stop any potential running. I don't let my irritation show; he looks as pale as I feel. Constantly twining his hands; the interview laying heavily on his mind.
As the first interview is started up and Glimmer disappear upon the stage the rest of us forms a line. The interviews don't take long and the line shrinks fast. I listen closely to everyone, wanting to imprint the words of this children as they face death. Amazed how Caesar Flickerman charms the audience to see what he wants and not what we show. He get one thing from every tribute that distinguish them from the rest. A fact that I'm more than thankful for as Rue takes the stand.
She is nervous and scared, trying to appear as small as possible. Caesar works his magic and within a minute he has everyone paying more attention to what he lets on then what Rue actually says. He keeps her innocent and sweet, from a capitols' point-of-view. Even I am moved by the lies. When Thresh comes next Caesar adapt his play to suit the silent and stoic teen.
Then it is my turn and the urge to throw up is strong. Caesar begins the introduction by mentioning the many impacts twelve done over the last few days, building up excitement and anticipation in his viewers. I study the man as he talks, waiting for the que and wonder how such a magnetizing man can stand his work. He has lasted since his early twenties, being the longest host of these games. The others has either been killed or offed themselves.
There isn't really anything remarkable with him except for his smile and kind eyes. Neither inspire devotion or loyalty, yet he is the number one host in all of Panem; a short, slim and over tanned middle aged man that loves his midnight-colored suits. The concept is confounding; the ridiculous color-theme he has every year doesn't help either.
I'm woken from my thought by Peeta pushing me, I've missed my cue for entrée and find Caesar standing on center stage with open arms, waiting for me. I blushed from the humiliation and hurry forward. As the spotlight hits I transform into a lovely young woman, waving to the audience as they started screaming my name. *Old tricks die hard it seems, that's comforting.* I breathe easier as I shake Caesar hand and greet him warmly, falling into old familiar patterns and relaxing a bit. The light is so bright that I hardly see anything, yet I still attempt to flirt with the audience.
"Katniss Everdeen folks. The girl on fire." Caesar laugh out in the air as we take central stage. Two black chairs waiting for us. Caesar makes a move for me to sit and I look at him, showing as much teeth as him.
"Now now Caeser, you can't expect me to sit when such a charming man as yourself are standing," winking at the audience at the man's pause; making them giggle at my joke.
"We have ourselves a charmer." Caesar retaliates. "Let's be seated at the same time, for I couldn't possibly sit when such a beauty stands." We both stand before the designated chairs and look at each other.
"On the count of three?" I question, getting a big grin in return.
"On three; one, two… Three. " We both sit down with an ump. The audience laughing at our silliness. We laugh with them.
"Now, when we finally are seated, you simply must tell me Katniss how your stay in the Capitol has been like for you." Caesar ask, starting of the interview with something light, the cameras' hovering around us. "How has it differed for twelve?"
I take up a thinking position and stare into space, making sure to take my time. Keep everyone in suspense for a little longer.
"Different, different, different." I mumble, pretending to think. "Well that would be the decor I guess." At this Caesar and the audience laugh. "Here it's a lot more colorful than home, there everything goes in the color soot, even in its inhabitants." I chose my words with care, getting everyone to look at my appearance as they start chatter. Making them see how well I blend in with coal and fire.
"Now that you say… I can't remember the last time we got a blonde from twelve." Caesar jokes, building on the flames. "Well exp..."
"For Peeta? And Haymitch, if he counts." I interrupt, nodding in agreement. Salivating inside for opportunity. "They are the odd ones out, aren't they?"
"They certainly are and both very lovely." Caesar answers with a fake cough as the camera show a slouched Haymitch on the screen. The man give a crude salute and take out his flask. The glint in his eyes tell me to get on with it, I'm not even close to unique yet. "So color has been a major impact on you. Anything else that impressed you in our loving home?"
"You seem to have a thing for odd buildings." I hurry to throw out on a hunch as I re-focus on Caesar. He makes big eyes at that and look to the camera.
"Odd buildings!"
"Yes. I think I saw a cat shaped house as I came here. That we don't have back home." I try to sound young and excited whilst figuring out how to better play this to my advantage. No one seems bored at least; everyone is watching and laughing all the while I'm sweating buckets.
"You know, I think I've seen that house to." Caesar make a look of deep thought. "Is it the one that has a small lawn and a big cat-shaped pool?"
Someone from the audience screams yes and we both turn to the crowd.
"Must be, but I don't remember a pool." I say, pretending to think; not really caring about a pool. "But then it was much to see during the journey here, so much beauty and new things that I was overwhelmed." There, I have satisfied their vanity, now it is time to gain their awe, then their sympathy and lastly their love; *work with me here Caesar, were on a clock.*
"The Capitol can be a bit much for newcomers." Caesar nods his head in sympathy and pats my knee. I bite my cheek from saying something smartassed.
"Now, I have a question I've wanted to ask ever since the grand opening. The flames… you're costume. My heart almost stopped, tell me all about them." The man must be a mind reader, he's giving me exactly what I need. It's now or never.
"Well, when our stylist told us about them both Peeta and I was very much like; are you kidding me! Flames on clothes doesn't sound very safe and we were concerned." I start. "We even vowed to help the other if we actually started burning" At that the whole audience laugh, Caesar with them as I fake contrite.
"Did you tell your stylist that?" He asks me.
"No. I didn't have the heart to run screaming away from him as he held it out for me; but now I love it. Thank you Cinna" I take a small pause as the applauds sounds. Then I lean forward. Caesar follows. "He even promised me something even more spectacular for the next costume."
Caesar leans even closer. Everyone takes a loud breath in anticipation, we're almost touching cheeks.
"Ah, but Katniss. This is the next dress and even if it is lovely I don't see any flames." He tells me as the audience shout out agreements. We got them hooked, everyone is looking to me and Cinna, wanting answers. When the demands are at the highest peak Caesar leaves his seat and walk to the edge of the stage.
"Cinna what surprise do you have for us? Even dear Katniss doesn't seem to know." He shout, making everyone look for him. Then Cinna appears on the screen, seated at the far side of the audience, a bit back. Caesar motions for him to get up, which he does. At first he doesn't speak, but then he simple says;
"Make her twirl." Sitting down moments after. Directing all the attention is back at me.
"You heard him my darling; twirl for us." Caesar demands with a big laugh, holding out a hand for me. I take it, moving forward so everyone can see. The light hits me just right. I smile at everyone and holds out my arms. Taking on a pose of a bird ready for flight.
"Twirl" is the shout that comes from the crowd when I've paused too long.
I start twirling, holding my breath. Hoping there's no mistakes; let there be fire, please. The dress flows out, just as I imagine; creating a 'mist' around me. Then, slowly the edges starts to burn. Everyone shouts in happy surprise. I don't stop. Soon the entire dress on fire. I must look like a phoenix; the black corset gloving like lavarock, the muslin of bright fire and the underdress - blood red flames. Caesar was spurring me on, screaming for me not to stop and I kept on twirling.
In the end it was nausea that made me slow down, much to the disappointment of the crowd. As I slowed the dress turned back to its original colors. With the last flame the crowd cried out only to go silent.
"Don't stop Katniss. That was beautiful." Caesar cries out. I give him a fake laugh.
"Not for long, I would have made a horrible mess if I had gone on for much longer." My words are strengthened by my awkward walk. Caesar quickly helps me to my chair.
"That was amazing. Truly breathtaking. Don't you agree folks?" Shouts of agreement and joy echoed in reply.
"You astound me Katniss. We have only known you for such a short time and yet we love you. I simply must ask..." Caesar voice becomes somber and I know what he's about to ask, the question being how to play this. It's now I must shine. "... About your sister Prim. What was going through your mind at the time of the reaping?"
I take a deep breath, looking down. Trying to appear sad and somber. Then I lift my head and stare into empty space. Making my voice go thick and gruff for my answer.
"At first I wasn't thinking." I start, forcing forth misty eyes. "Just standing there, frozen on the spot. When I finally started to realize what was happening I couldn't not volunteer. She's too young... my baby sister; it's my job to keep her safe." The emotions are not completely fake. The thought of my sister going through a game is truly horrifying.
"A true heroic gesture. To see such love and loyalty amongst sisters warms my old heart." Caesar gives of a sad vibe, with the hint of elevation. Making the crowd feel what he want, playing right into my hands.
"She is a person worth loving" and I'm not lying about that.
"I was talking about you." At this everyone makes ohs and ahs, thinking me humble.
"Oh! Well, thank you." The humble look doesn't suit me at all, but I try it anyway. From the glint in Caesar eyes I guess he sees this, I can almost imagine him to be smirking; it's gone the next second.
"Is there another type love in your life perhaps? We have heard rumors you know." At those words my mind die; being thrown completely of the game. I'm left staring at the man, not comprehending what he's asking for.
"What?" I say dumbly, trying to catch up. This wasn't in the bigger scheme, Haymitch had told me to avoid the Peeta-topic. Me wholeheartedly agreeing. This was supposed to be about me and Prim.
"Love interest my dear, someone special you wish to tell us about?" Caesar laugh, trying to take the edge of the conversation, realizing what an unexpected question that was. My grey eyes stare into his fake purple once.
"None, really." I response at last, not coming up with anything better. My tone sounding guarded and off. I'm losing the crowd, they've gone quite; not liking the silence. It wake me from the shock and as I'm about to save some grace Caesar moves on and closes the topic.
"Ah, I see. So no love, but perhaps a promise? Didn't you promise your sister something before you boarded the train." He goes back to Prim, mostly to get the audience attention back on track. Going for the safe bet; hoping to finish of the interview with a good feeling.
"Yes! I promised her that I would try, try to get back to her. To win for her." I say, jumping on the opportunity. Trying to sound desperate, longing and lonely. Not really reaching the right tone. Inside I'm cussing up a storm for my blunder, but staving off the tantrum for when I'm back backstage.
"And try you will and we all pray that the odd is in your favor." With that Caesar gets up and finishes of the interview, much to the disappointment of the crowd who wants to know more. I leave with a weak smile and a wave. The moment the cameras veevers off I start cussing and hitting the walls, pissed beyond belief. Peeta stands not far off, watching as I try to control myself. Then he's out on the stage, beginning his interview.
I'm so upset that someone sends for Haymitch, having started breaking things now. The other tributes keep their distance, the careers are smirking. It is Haymitch grabbing me from behind and ordering me to calm down that breaks my rage.
He is beyond pissed as he forces me into a room. A pod hovers one corner, showing us Peeta and Caesar, we have missed the start of his interview. Haymitch doesn't even glance at the pod, instead he pushes me down onto the ground and stands over me. Fist clenched.
"You idiot. So close and you blew it." He whisper in a deadly voice. Making goosebumps appear on my arms. I'm too pissed to care.
"Don't you think I don't know that? Fucking Hell Haymitch, I just shut down out there. I couldn't help it, it wasn't in the..." I start to shout back before I stop. Hammering my fist into the floor in frustration. Almost saying too much. He gives me a fierce glare before rubs his hands over his face. Taking a minute to calm down.
"It's done. Control yourself and let me watch Peeta. I hope he doesn't screw up as badly as you." I don't argue further, we've missed most of it already. In silence we watch the rest of the interview. When Peeta reveals to Caesar his love interest the pod focuses on me and I make my damndest to look surprised and overwhelmed.
The state of my dress and hair from the tantrum helping me sell the fact of my total shock. The moment the pod returns to showing the stage I let out a fresh wave of curses. Peeta has thrown himself to the wolf once again, to keep me alive. As this sinks in I go numb, feeling weak and tired to the bone. To give me the extra edge he's giving up all hopes of survival.
I must now let him keep believing that to retain the favor of the sponsors. Letting him enter the arena without an ally. Prim is my best card and Peeta's love my backup. From now the only front I can show him is the cold, reserved, distant and pissed off one. Anything else will reveal the truth and gain us nothing. After all a forbidden love is much more desirable than a returned one. I don't want to, I want to go out there and show him that I'm here for him to.
I look to Haymitch, seeking counsel. He is stone faced, bitter and angry. This had been an emergency plan if I failed. He had hoped that Peeta could have gotten attention for himself. Now every priority would be on me henceforth. I was the safe bet and Peeta the spare. I hate myself.
"Sorry." I whisper, the man huffs. Not interested in my apologies.
"Be thankful that he is a better actor than you." Haymitch gruffly states.
"He isn't acting."
"No… He isn't. Unfortunately it's why that worked." He looks so tired, his words barely loud enough for me to hear. He turns his back and leaves. I don't follow. Choosing to stay in the room until it's time to leave. Processing my failure and what to do next. Watching Peeta on the wall as he gives soft smiles for the camera while the crowd cheers. Looking like a lost angel, suffering in the world of men. His chain being his love for me… the monster.
Then the camera goes dark.
...
That evening no one speaks at the dinner table. We eat the food presented and avoid eye contact, not even Effie dares to voice her thoughts. In the end it's me that speak first.
"You shouldn't have done that." The words come out unbidden, anger in every syllabus. A defense mechanism when I lose control.
"Yet I did. Get over it." Peeta reply and eats another piece of chicken.
Effie looks from one to the other and tether. Clearly annoyed by the coldness in our voices.
"Stop it, the both of you. Tomorrow is a big day and we don't need another argument in this room." We fall into silence, giving each other the cold shoulder.
Haymitch rolls his eyes and takes a big drink. Ignoring us as best he can.
"You deal with them Effie while I go over to the after party. See how many sponsors be willing to place money on her… them." Haymitch says as he gets up to leave. Hardly touching his food.
"Oh! Haymitch I need to go to. I have several friend that wants to talk with me." Effie says in protest, following the man to the elevator.
"Why don't the both of you leave? We can manage by ourselves." I say to stave off an argument.
"Why, that a lovely idea. Thank You Katniss." Effie then proceeds to push Haymitch into the elevator. After the elevator has started to descend I turn to the avoxes' and ask them to leave. Soon there is only me and Peeta, as well as the people watching us from hidden cameras.
"Don't start with me Kattail. It's too late to change anything and this might be my last day alive." Peeta words stop me dead, the argument dying on my tongue. I eventually just slump in my chair and just look at him. Playing with my food. In the end I say the only thing that comes to mind.
"Want to watch something completely brainless and sweetly while eating popcorn?" At Peeta's nod I order refreshment. When they arrive we relocate to the entertainment room and snuggle down on the mint colored couch. For several hours we watch different shows from different ends, the popcorn bowl between us. When it so dark you can hardly see your hand Peeta shut of the pod and look toward me.
"I'm tired."
"So am I. Bed?" I'm silently asking if he want to lay in my bed, ignoring the role that I most play. Wanting him close, to know that he's alive. He shakes his head in negative, like I expected of him. When I falter Peeta takes the lead, it has always been our way.
We go to our own rooms and shut the doors. The entire floor is dead silent. You could her a feather move. I get ready for bed and are thankful when my eyes start drooping. I will get a few hours' sleep it seems before the real hell begins. If there are gods out there they are beyond cruel is the last coherent thought I have.
...
The morning goes along the line of the previous one, the only difference being that more focus is on getting as much food in us as possible instead of styling. Effie is flying apart every two second, Haymitch is on the verge of sobriety and the prep team has been quiet most off the morning. The atmosphere is somber and heavy, the severity of what's to come weighting on everyone's mind.
When Portia finally collect Peeta to take him away for some last minute finishes everything slows down. There only a half hour left before the re-location. Cinna tries his best to keep me calm and collected. Stopping me from locking myself away or breaking down. Beyond thankful I have tried to do everything asked.
It is just as we are about to leave that I think of asking him how he perceived the interview. Having completely forgotten.
"You did well for most part. Haymitch has probably already voiced your blunders. I think Peeta did a very brave thing to help you." Cinna is quick to tell me, Flavius and Octavia voicing their agreement.
"He looked so alone and heartbroken, your blush and slumped profile adding to the star crossed lover touch. I actually cried. The poor boy." Portia tells me as I get ready to leave. Haymitch going with me and Cinna to the hover-platform.
I fake a smile for them as the doors closes, thankful for the reprieve.
Haymitch doesn't say a word, but I can practically hear his thoughts and have to resist hitting him.
As we travel to my dome I think about the many hindrances to come. I have a lot to do the next few days; get Peeta and I alive from the arena, don't start a war, but neither allow the Capitol to maintain their superiority. All the while Snow and Cato will be trying to kill me. *Should be relatively easy.*
"Any last minute advice for me boss." I start talking manly to have something to do.
"Run like hell, keep away and don't get kill. Works for you sweetheart?" Haymitch thick of.
"Do my very best." Is the reply he gets. The urge to hit him growing stronger. Cinna remains by my side, silent and supportive. I adore that man.
Downstairs we exit the building, there is hardly a person around to see of us. All at home, sleeping after a night of partying on my expense. I get into the car designated for me and sit in the middle of the seat. Trying to control my frayed nerves, thinking about Prim as the car takes me to the hover-platform. The clock is only nine, but the hovercraft will take me to the arena long before the clock strikes ten. What is a little blood and scream with your morning coffee.
We arrive within minutes, the other tributes are getting out of their cars and bordering the hovercrafts ahead of us. The day's transportation are big, bold and shiny jewels. They remind me of manta ray I once saw when visiting Annie. Their huge motors making the ground tremble underneath me. I dread stepping onboard these things. They can travel even faster than the tribute train. The thought of going so fast is daunting. I pull the shift Cinna gave me this morning closer. Trying to maintain some heat.
It is here that we will say goodbye to our handlers and I can see several children cling to the grownups. Seeking last minute consul. I envy them. Haymitch is as huggable as a porcupine.
As soon as I'm airborne he and Effie will head for the game headquarters, where they will remain until our demise or victory. Fighting with other handler about the sponsor and making strategies. I don't envy him. It might actually be worse than what I am about to face.
Cinna goes ahead of me as I turn to Haymitch, Effie comes up from the side with Peeta. It's time to say our last words.
"Anything you wondering about? Now is the time to get it out there." Haymitch conquers, his body language tired and guarded. I shake my head in negative.
"Can you tell my father that I love him." It is Peeta. His voice is soft and filled with sadness. Haymitch only nod as Effie give away a sob. After those words he gives Effie a hug and Haymitch a handshake before he walks away.
I turn to Haymitch and open my mouth, then I close it. Thinking for a moment.
"If I die in there, tell my sister that I love her and for her to go on living." Now Effie is truly crying, we both ignore her. "And if we both die tell Peeta's mother that she is a total bitch and deserve every misfortune coming her way."
My angry words make Haymitch give a raw snort and Effie to cry out in horror, but it was words that needed to be said. I also give Effie a hug, but only nod in Haymitch direction before heading over to the gamemakers. I have tracker to receive.
The next half hour passes very fast, the journey to the catacombs was hardly noticed. I had manage to ignore everyone and everything the last twenty minutes. It is only as Cinna leads me to a stripped down room that I refocus. He holds out the outfit from last time and I get dressed without complain.
"The pants is water repellant, the sweater can resist high degrees of heat and the jacket to contain your body heat. I have tried to work every angle." He tells me. "They only gave so much, that's why the pants are loose, the sweater slim and the jacket long. Also the boots will mold after your feet and your socks prevent moisture from rutting them."
I thank him as I lace up the high boots and take the jacket from his hands. I pause as I put on the jacket, the small wound on my right arm reminding me that I will forever be traceable for the capitol from now on. I swallow the rage inside me and zip up the jacket and turn to Cinna. Best not think about it. Cinna take out the golden locket that I had left on the bedroom table. I take it without a pause, having placed it there on purpose. With some help I get it attached to the inside of the jacket.
It is ten minutes left of the clock. We will remain in the launch room until the games begin. Cinna give me some water and I drink as much as I can. Knowing that it might be a while before I can drink again.
Then the first signal to enter the cylinder rings in the room. it countdown has started. i give Cinna a hug and we say our last words before I step inside. The glass cylinder closing around me.
Only a few more seconds left.
Cinna gives me a comforting smile.
Seconds...