Authors Note:
Hugs and Kisses to everyone. I am humbled by the response. Daisy3D my sincerest thanks. I hope you all like chapter four. I am posting this today because I will not be able to post anything this weekend.
Katniss walked into her house and saw her mother sitting in the kitchen chair, a cup of tea in front of her. Her mother had that far away look in her eyes and she was staring blankly towards a wall. In the past, this very scene would have caused Katniss great anger and instigated a rude comment or argument. Back then she could not understand how her mother had fallen into pieces.
As a child, Katniss blamed her mother for every misfortune they'd encountered since her fathers death. Though with what happened to her, Katniss comprehended that look. Finnick's words rang in her head. Katniss now understood what Finnick meant when he said, "It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart". Her mother had fallen apart and was trying to piece herself back together again. In a way, Katniss was doing the same thing.
Katniss could see the dark circles underneath her mothers' eyes. She could see the unyielding sadness etched on her face. Katniss recognized the jarring hollow emptiness that ate at your soul when the floor was ripped from beneath your feet. The one thing she loved the most was taken away from her, and for weeks she walked around the bowels of District Thirteen like a comatose victim.
Her mother had lost the love of her life and so did Katniss. Unlike her mother, Katniss had a chance to regain her Boy with the Bread. Her mother had none. Katniss put her game bag down on the floor and uncharacteristically sat in front of her mother, placing her head on her mothers' lap.
Lilly pale blue eyes flickered to where her eldest daughter head lay. She was not used to seeing her eldest child so vulnerable, but on those rare occasions, she was always ready with a gentle hand.
Katniss felt the way her mother automatically began to gently pat her hair "Mother?"
"Yes, Katniss?" Lilly Everdeen came home a short while ago after delivering a baby. It had been a difficult birth for the young widowed girl. It made her think of her two children and the fact that she was blessed to have anything that belonged to her husband.
"How do you know when you are in love?" Katniss asked.
She stopped touching her daughters head, then tipped Katniss' face up to look into her daughters silver eyes. Katniss had the looks and temperament of her father "In love?" She asked.
Katniss swallowed. They were never close, but she wanted something more than just awkwardness between herself and her mother. She looked into her mothers pale blue eyes, "How do you know when you are in love?" She repeated.
Smiling down at her daughter Lilly asked, "Who do you think you are in love with?"
Katniss blushed and knew she was about to shock her mother. Everyone thought she and Gale were romantically linked. They were not. Katniss took a deep breath before uttering his name. "Peeta Mellark."
This caught Lilly by surprise, but then again her daughter was just like her father. They did things on their own terms. Lilly thought about Bing's youngest boy. Peeta was a lot like his father. She could understand why Katniss would be attracted to him. He was a good and gentle boy. He was the perfect calming agent to her daughters' fiery disposition. Lilly often thought the youngest Mellark had that same quality Primrose had. She cupped Katniss' chin. "His father, Bing is a nice man, and so is Peeta. I have heard wonderful things about him."
"But how do you know when you're in love?" Katniss prompted.
Lilly smiled softly, thinking of her husband. "You will know when you can't live without him. When I fell in love with your father nothing made sense without him. I knew I had to let him know how I felt."
Her mother, Lilly chuckled to herself, a light came into her eyes that Katniss had never seen.
"Do you know I chased your father until he fell in love with me?" She told her daughter proudly. Lilly paused as her lips turned into a bittersweet smile. "I heard your father sing and that was it for me. Katniss…" Lilly swallowed as she gazed into Katniss grey eyes "You are like your father. I suspect it took him quite some time for him to fall in love and recognize his feelings for me. But when he did, he moved mountains to be with me."
Katniss nodded, understanding suddenly what her mother meant. She was willing to do whatever it took to be with him, her Boy with the Bread. "That is the way it is with Peeta." She told her mother.
"Well take your time Katniss, enjoy your moments with him and do not be afraid to feel." Lilly advised quietly.
Katniss looked to her mother. She was glad to have the opportunity to bridge a gap between them. Her mother had shut down on her and sadly enough they did not speak about anything, they were almost like strangers. Because they never spoke of her father Katniss did not know all of this rich history. Hearing how her mother chased after her father contradicted the reserved woman she was today. Katniss listened attentively to her mother's advice. She was about to chase after Peeta Mellark.
"It is a scary thing to love someone and to let them love you back. But life is so short Katniss even if they are torn from you. Believe me it is better to love than to never have the privilege to be loved at all. I ached when you father did not love me." Gently Lilly leveled a look into Katniss eyes. Lilly knew her next question would tell her the depth of emotion Katniss felt for the baker's youngest son. "If you could would you marry him?"
Katniss thought about her mother's statement and question. It was true having Peeta love her was so much better than having his love taken away. She thought about her fake engagement. At the time she was so frightened of Snow and his threats her fear of falling in love amplified causing her to be confused about Peeta. So much so Katniss was not able to see she already fallen for Peeta. This was on her list of regrets. Katniss had an opportunity to redo this event. Even though they were still young she would not mind marrying her Boy with the Bread. Shyly she answered "I would."
This was a monumental turn of events for her daughter. Katniss had always expressed her disdain for marriage and having children. Lilly as well as everyone who knew Katniss thought she would either end up alone or by default married to Gale Hawthorne.
"I love him mother. I did not even know that I did until…" Katniss trailed off and swallowed as she buried her face in her mothers' lap catching herself before she stated something about the future. "I was scared to let it happen." This was the first time she admitted this to anyone, normally people were telling her she loved Peeta.
To hear Katniss say she loved a boy was ground shaking. "This must be very scary for you."
Katniss nodded once a slight pink tinge fell on her cheek bones as she came to the realization speaking to her mother about boys was not as hard as she thought it was going to be.
Lilly thought to her self if Peeta Mellark felt the same way about her daughter as Katniss felt about him things could become heated very quickly. Katniss was not like the average girl, she was green when it came to the affairs of the heart and needed some protecting. "Have fun but remember you are still young and I want you to be careful."
Katniss nodded. "Thanks…" Katniss tried the word, "mom."
"Now go get ready for school."
"There is a rabbit inside the bag for dinner." Katniss smiled at her mother, feeling good about the conversation they just had. She walked to find Prim was already dressed. "You forgot to tuck in your tail little duck."
Prim smiled as her sister proceeded to tuck her shirt into her skirt, Prim then walked out of the room. Her sister was squeamish about stuff like this. Prim gave her sister privacy.
Katniss smiled fondly recalling how many baths she had in this tin tub. She dipped her finger in the water, it was still warm. Katniss quickly disrobed and slipped into the water, quickly taking off the morning grime from the woods and traipsing all over town.
When she was done, Katniss took out her meager belongings and spread them out on the mattress. She quickly put away the things she did not want to wear. Katniss dressed with care this morning. She knew she had to dress like her former self to not raise suspicions. At this point in her life she would have cared little about looking nice, however she could not deny the imprint Effie and Cinna made on her. They caused her to be aware of the importance of appearances. Carefully, she chose a red plaid shirt and dark pants that were not too ripped. She laced up her boots and carefully began to braid her hair.
Primrose bounced into the room, she was coming to check on her older sister, questioning what was taking her so long. Katniss never took long to dress, she normally just threw on what ever was clean, even if it did not match. However, Primrose paused and her pale blue eyes took in her big sister glancing at herself in the mirror as she tightened the belt on her dark blue pants making sure the red plaid shirt she chose did not bunch up too much. Then, unsatisfied with her braid, Katniss undid it and began to re-braid her hair.
Primrose had never seen her sister behave like a girl.
Katniss was always far to preoccupied with putting food on the table to act so feminine. Prim knew her sister behaved this way because of what happened to their mom. On the good days, their mother left the house to help out their sick neighbors in The Seam. Prim often liked to help their mother out on those good days.
On the bad ones, their mother slept all day or sat in the kitchen staring out of the window. Katniss was forced to behave older than what she really was. To see Katniss un-braid and re-braid her hair was astonishing to Primrose. Shocked, she uttered, "What are you doing?"
Startled, Katniss looked over her shoulder at Prim. Having been caught primping herself in the mirror made Katniss blush as she gazed at her sisters scrutiny. The only excuse she could come up with was, "I was tightening my belt."
Katniss lame explanation caused Primrose to arch an eyebrow at her sister. Katniss was never a good liar.
Primrose smiled, knowing there was something her sister was not telling her. They did not have secrets between them, to see Katniss acting guilty was rare. She called her older sister out on her lie, "Really Katniss?"
"I…" Katniss trailed off, her blush deepened at not being able to find words.
"You frankly look nice… too nice." Primrose walked up to her sister as if she were a patient, carefully inspecting her. She stared into her sisters eyes trying to piece together why Katniss was acting so girly.
Katniss had no words.
"The only thing happening today is the big wrestling tournament." Primrose mused out loud. Then she looked at her sister, the dawning comprehension began to light her pale blue eyes. Katniss was not someone who fussed over her clothing. Her older sister was practical in all things, even when it came to love.
Primrose always thought it funny that Katniss proclaimed often that she did not want to marry or have children, when there was a boy her sister always kept her gray eyes on. Prim thought it sad that despite her sister being older, she knew squat about the affairs of the heart. Primrose knew boys had a way of changing girls, and this boy could change her sister. Primrose looked at her sister closely as she nervously stood pulling on her braid. The only reason Katniss would act this way was because of that one boy Peeta Mellark.
Prim grinned.
For years, Katniss watched the youngest Mellark from afar, it was done so discreetly that no one noticed. Except for Prim. But it had taken her some time to piece it together. There were small clues scattered about.
Even though she could get a better trade for them in the Hob, Katniss always saved the best squirrels for the Mellark's. Katniss always complained that it was a waste of time to view the other merchant's windows, yet Katniss never made a fuss when Prim wanted to see the cakes displayed in the bakery window.
One day last year, Prim was going to ask her sister a question when she saw Katniss' eyes were not trained on the cakes. All of Katniss' shy glances were toward the youngest Mellark. Prim tested this theory week after week, and every single time Peeta came into the front Katniss' eyes would light up. Prim knew her sister liked Peeta, though Prim understood Katniss was either not ready to admit it, or did not understand what she was feeling.
"Are we going to the final tournament today?" Primrose questioned, feeling giddy about the discovery of why her sister was paying close attention to her appearance.
Katniss felt her cheeks start to burn at being caught. It was a mystery to her that she could be the face of the rebellion, and yet succumb to utter mush in front of her younger sister. She had no idea what to respond to her little sister, "Today is the wrestling match and I just wanted to…" She trailed off.
"It's okay to want to look nice every once and a while." Primrose decided to spare her older sister from further embarrassment. Hearing her sister speak about the wrestling was an affirmation of her deductive theory.
Prim wanted her sister to fall in love, to have the same happiness their parents once shared. Prim did not remember much, but she knew her family was happy. Prim had a gut feeling Peeta could make her sister happy. It was no secret Peeta watched Katniss, though not as secretly as Katniss did. He openly stared at her with such adoration, Primrose could never understand how they did not catch each other. Primrose made it her mission to somehow cause them to get together.
It was one of the reasons why Primrose liked to drag Katniss to the bakery, just so she could see the slight blush that would appear on her sisters' cheeks whenever she caught sight of the boy. Prim secretly hoped one day they would talk to one another. They had a deep connection to each other that no one but Primrose seemed to be aware of. The moment they were within yards of each other, they would seek the other out. Prim had seen the way their eyes did not rest until they had visual confirmation of each other. Primrose smiled softly.
"Prim…" Katniss was not sure how she could explain.
"No problem." Primrose answered. She hoped something would happen between them. Today was as good as any. Peeta was competing in the wrestling match and Primrose was sure Katniss would not miss that for the world. She shook her head, "You do not need to explain, Katniss."
"Thank you, Little Duck" Katniss was glad she did not have to explain her unusual behavior to Primrose. She did not know how long she would have in this world.
Primrose saw her sister's expression and smiled softly. "It is okay."
"Great." Katniss scowled as she bent down to pick up her school bag.
Primrose grinned, "Then we should get going. If not, we are going to be late for school."
Katniss held out her hand for her sister, "Yeah, we are going to be late."
Together they set off for school.
"After the match, is it alright if I go to Rory's house?" Primrose loved to visit the Hawthorne home. However, this time the visit was for school purposes only, they were assigned to do a history project. Rory was her Gale. He was her best friend, but thankfully Rory was not full of the same fire Gale was.
"Sure." Katniss agreed as she dropped Prim off in front of her school building before hurrying off to her own building.
Her only thoughts were filled of Peeta. Her heart raced as she contemplated seeing Peeta once more, she wondered how she was going to be able to contain herself. She was nervous as the day progressed and could not wait to set eyes on him. However, school got in the way. Because of the Games and the war Katniss, had forgotten what it was like to be a normal teenager. She had forgotten how insane school was.
The school smelled funny, of sweat and perfume. The teachers looked like they did not want to be there, the hallways were crammed and the small building was dilapidated. Students in the tiny school bumped into each other as they pushed through the hallways. A few times, Katniss swore she was groped from behind, she wanted to turn around and hit whoever was behind her. She did not however, thinking this was not as bad as where she came from.
Katniss managed to get through the first half of the day. By the time lunch rolled around, Katniss made sure she took her regular route, sneaking a glance at Peeta as he sat with his friends. She noted when his eyes secretly followed her. She had to control the flush of red heat that threatened to creep up on her face.
"There you are!" Madge could not contain her smile as she watched Katniss sit down at their table.
"Hey." Katniss had never seen Madge act this way. Normally, Madge was unaffected.
"I can't believe you did that today!" Madge was sure her smile made her look like a lunatic.
"What?" Katniss frowned.
"With Gale, you left us alone this morning!" Madge then realized her voice was too loud. She looked around briefly before making her voice barely audible. She could not wait for lunch today. Madge was surprised and wanted to know what drove Katniss to do such a thing.
"Yeah, I know. Are you mad?"
"No." Madge whispered so fiercely she was afraid people could hear her.
Katniss wanted to grin instead she uttered, "Good."
"Katniss, I always thought you and he…" Madge paused as someone passed by. As soon as the coast was clear she continued, "…well that you liked him and he liked you." Madge whispered energetically.
"Gale doesn't like me like that. We do not see each other in that light, Gale is overprotective and overbearing like a pesky older brother." Katniss confessed.
Madge grinned happily. "So there is nothing between you. I would not want to cause-"
"Gale and I are nothing but best friends. Besides, you have liked him for so long and have never said anything." Katniss interrupted.
"How did you know I even liked him?" Madge questioned.
"Madge, you rush to be the one to buy the berries from us all the while wearing some ridiculous frilly outfit. Then you show up at school dressed like me." Katniss pointed out.
Madge blushed heavily, everything Katniss said was true. She liked Gale for a long time. He was her one and only crush. Madge wanted to make an impression on Gale, but did not have it in her to actually speak to him. So she decided to look pretty to catch his eye.
Unfortunately Madge's plan did not work.
Oddly enough, what did work was her friend's blunt push. She and Gale had spent the morning speaking to one another. It was sweet the way he blushed when speaking to her. Though they had found common ground in the oddest of things. They both enjoyed the soup Greasy Sae made in the Hob. Madge would often send for it or pick some up whenever she snuck into the Hob, without her father knowing it. Gale had even asked her if she wanted to accompany him to the Hob that morning.
"He took me to the Hob this morning." Madge excitedly whispered.
"Please tell me he didn't take you to the slag heap!" Katniss said, horrified. She wanted to strangle Gale in that moment.
"No, no he did not." Madge immediately shook her head no as she spoke, Madge had heard of the slag heap from her father's whispered conversations. Although she did not know what happened there, she knew enough that it was not a good place for good girls to go.
"Good because that is not a good place for him to take you, ever!" Katniss whispered, not wanting for people around her to hear them speak about the slag heap. "If he ever does, I'll beat him up!"
Madge nodded. "Katniss you know you are my only friend."
Katniss ducked her head. "I just know you guys will be happy."
Before Madge could answer, the bell rang. The cafeteria began to empty. Katniss sat back. It was something she always did. It gave her the ability to observe Peeta from afar. His friends were rough housing with him putting him in choke hold. She saw how easily he acted with his friends. A small smile played on her lips and her heart fluttered.
At that moment, Peeta turned his head and caught her staring at him. She felt the flush of color that began from her toes to the tip of her head. He sent her a small wave and she, in an uncharacteristic move, waved back quickly.
At Katniss' small wave, Peeta hung back. After this morning, he was not taking any chances for her to wall herself back up. He easily joined her, his hands slipped into the pockets of his pants.
"Hey." Peeta greeted her, trying to act unaffected. He was still reeling from the fact his first kiss was with the girl of is dreams.
"Hey." Katniss greeted back wondering how she was going to keep herself from blushing. They started moving together until they were out in the hallway.
"Are you coming to the meet today?" Peeta questioned.
Katniss paused, turned to him, and ducked her head. All the love she possessed for him was in her eyes, and he did not need to see that yet. Shyly, she uttered, "Yes."
Peeta could see the slight flush on her skin as she answered him. It caused his heart to beat hard and fast against his chest. "Great."
At that moment both looked up to see Gale Hawthorne approaching.
"Catnip, wait up!" Gale hollered over the student body.
Peeta could see the older guy approach, he uttered, "I guess I should be going, your boy…" He trailed off.
Katniss tried to stop him, but Peeta slipped away into the crowd. Tears threatened to surge into her eyes.
"Hey." Gale was a bit winded, but when he looked into her face, he could see she was upset.
"Hey." Katniss sighed, wondering how she was going to explain Gale to Peeta.
"What's wrong?" Gale asked.
"Nothing." Katniss clamped up. She did not want to discuss Peeta with Gale. Instead, she redirected the conversation. "How did things go with Madge?"
Gale saw what Katniss did. He could have said something, but he knew when she got into one of her moods, there was no point in arguing with her. He grinned she was right they did fight a lot. "Great she's not what I thought."
"I told you. Madge may be the Mayor's daughter but she is so much more. Not all the people who are Merchants are bad people, Gale. It's funny that to the rest of the nation, we are the small coal mining District Twelve. Yet, between us we want to distinguish what side of the District we live on." Katniss began walking toward her class and Gale trailed after her.
Gale smirked. Katniss was right about Madge, she was more than her station in life. He thought that perhaps not all of the Merchants were bad people; they were as Katniss said, one District. His lips twitched upwards as he thought about Madge. They really did hit it off. She was funny and insightful. Madge had the ability to quickly study people and know if they were good or bad. He was surprised by her. Madge was the type of girl his mother would approve of. "I think I am going to invite her to dinner at my mother's house this Sunday."
Katniss whistled. "You must like her a lot."
"Well, a certain friend pointed out to me this morning I shouldn't be slumming it with the girls who frequent the heap. By the way how do you know what goes on at the slag heap?"
Katniss shook her head thinking quickly. "Oh, Gale if you only knew the inner workings of a girl's locker room. You would be mortified and appalled. Actually, you would run for the hills if you really knew what girls were like up here." Katniss pointed to her brain.
"You mean they actually talk about us?" Gale puffed his chest out in pride.
Katniss paused; then punched him in the arm. "Well not all the time, and believe me, you do not know what we talk about when we dissect boys."
"Ow…" Gale howled, "that hurt."
"Well stop being a jerk." Katniss grinned; then added, "Are you going to the match?"
"Actually, I am going to take Madge into town after school is finished. I figured we could walk around with everyone at the match." Gale said smiling, thinking it would be great to have the town without all the nosy people.
"That is great. Oh by the way Prim is going to your house with Rory after the wrestling competition this afternoon." Katniss continued walking in the direction of her next class.
"Yeah, Rory is groaning about some project they have to do." Gale smirked. "I really hate school."
Katniss grinned at his statement. Despite all of the hassle, she would much rather be stuck here than in the reality she came from. Her eyes became vacant at the thought of the rebellion and all of the death. She whispered, "There are worse places to be."
Gale looked at her suspiciously. "What do you mean?"
His earlier statement caused her to think about all the dark things she had experienced. On the outside, she looked like the young girl she used to be, but on the inside Katniss Everdeen was the Mockingjay. The Mockingjay was full of fury, angst, and deeply mourning at the loss of Peeta. Katniss shook her head.
Gale did not know how to deal with Katniss, at the moment she looked as if she was not present. The warning bell went off. He placed his hand on her shoulder, "Katniss what is wrong?"
Katniss scowled, all the rage she had inside of her from all of the pain she suffered from the Games and the war surfaced to her face. These were things this Gale knew nothing about. She then softened her face before looking at him, but her voice contained a steel edge to it. "You do not want to know."
Gale paled having never seen Katniss express herself in such a way. Her voice contained a dark edge with violent intent. District Twelve kids dealt with plenty of sorrow, but Katniss Everdeen had suffered though a lot more having to cope with things no average kid in District Twelve handled. He knew she had a lot of hurt within her, but he did not know the extent of it.
At this moment, he was glad they had the talk this morning. In the end she was correct, they could never relate to each other in a romantic way. He could never take care of her the way she deserved. She would never allow him. He lifted his hands in surrender. "Okay, I won't ask."
Katniss chuckled at his reaction as she slipped into her class. "See you later."
Across the hall, Peeta had been at his locker observing the entire scene between Katniss and Gale. He could see the way she playfully punched his arm. The way her silver gray eyes sparkled when they spoke. Gale made her happy.
His heart sunk.
This morning had been a fluke, he had read too much into what happened. Perhaps she lost her balance and he misunderstood her intention. Peeta's hands clenched into tight fists as he fought off his desperation as he thought of their kiss. From this vantage point, it was apparent Katniss and Gale were together. He slammed the door to his locker. Frustrated, he glanced down at his feet. Sadly, he thought it was time he faced the ugly truth. He loved Katniss Everdeen, but it seemed she would never love him back. His happiness from earlier gone, Peeta went into his classroom silently, his mind no longer on his very important match.