Quote of the day: Grieving isn't a bad thing. If you stop grieving then you stop loving the person you are grieving. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. But eventually the pain will lessen and the tears will dry.

Chapter 18- Anger and bargaining

My mind slowly emerged from the darkness of unconsciousness and to the reality of what happened and the pain that came with it. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to accept that Charlie would never have the future I saw for him. I didn't want to accept that he was no longer here to say what he always used to say, to try and protect me the best way he knew how.

I just lay on my bed, refusing to open my eyes to reality. The pain was as strong as one hundred daggers sinking into my stomach. Then suddenly I was blinded by anger. There was so much anger that I didn't know what to do with it. It was just there, trapped in a burning inferno within my body. Anger. Burning hot rage.

I was angry at myself for letting this future happen. I was angry at Amias for not coming sooner and saving Charlie. But most of all, I was angry at Edward. After the letters, how could he not believe what I told him? How could he not believe that James and Victoria would come after me, when I had seen it myself?

Tears of anger burned my eyes and I had to do something, anything. I couldn't hold on to this anger because holding on to it is like grasping for a hot coal with the intent to throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

I got out of bed, and saw that no one else was in the room with me, then made my way to the bathroom. As I looked into the mirror, I hated the girl that stared back at me. 'Murderer' my mind screamed and I stared into her grief filled eyes. I didn't deserve to grieve for Charlie. It was my fault he is dead, it was Amias' fault, Edwards fault. It was everyone's fault-except Charlie's.

I stared at her and she stared at me. Then frustrated, I released a scream that was somewhere between anguish and rage, sending my fist flying into the mirror. I heard a dull crack and felt the ache in my hand but it didn't drown out the pain. It didn't stop the anger, either, it fact that one out burst sent me spiraling out of control.

I spun around and yanked the shower curtain from its rail and swiped the bathroom products onto the floor. For a second, I watched as shampoo, conditioner-and what ever else Esme had-as they began to pool on the bathroom floor, but it wasn't enough. The anger still burned strong within me.
Before I knew it, I was back in the room. I didn't recall how I got there but now as I stood in my perfectly tidy bedroom, I wanted nothing more than to rip it apart. So I did.

It wasn't long before I had started trashing the room that I heard the door open. Now, standing in the doorway was a very worried Edward and Jasper. Just seeing the guilt and sadness in their eyes enraged me.

I was angry, so angry that I trembled like a werewolf about to shift. The calming waves that Jasper had sent to me did nothing. It was like I hadn't had a drink in weeks and someone had just given me a drop of water. It did nothing to quench the thirst, or in my case, my anger.

"Bella, love. You need to calm down..." Edward tried to reason. I could feel the fire burning inside of me, rage and guilt darkening my eyes.

"CALM DOWN!" I shrieked, causing the two vampires to wince. "HE'S DEAD EDWARD. DEAD! AND IT IS YOUR FAULT." Tears still raced down my cheeks and without even realizing it, I had grabbed the nearest thing to me and thrown it at them.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED." My hands grabbed for something else to throw. My warming trembling fingers rapping around the bedside lamp and a tossed it. I watched as it tumbled throw the air and smashed into the wall beside Edward and Jasper. "WHY?" I screamed until my lungs began to ache, "WHY? WHY? WHY?"

"Bella." Feeling cold arms wrap around my body until the angry tremors slowly began to fade. Desperation began to seep in.

"If only I had gone to the baseball field. This wouldn't have happened. I'm sorry, Dad. I am so, so sorry. It's my fault I should have let what I saw happen, happen. I was selfish." I continued to mutter to myself. There were so many 'if only's: If only the Phoenix's hadn't put me into the coma, if only I hadn't had those dreams, if only I hadn't tried to change things, if only Edward and his family had killed the nomads in the baseball field.

'If only...' The two saddest words in the English language, I thought. In any language. If only...

EPOV

"She's grieving, son." Carlisle said as I sat beside Bella on her bed. Bella lay beside me curled into herself, he eyes open but unseeing. Occasionally, like when she slept, I would catch her muttering the words 'if only' or 'I'm sorry' and it made my dead heart break. The room was in complete chaos. Chest of draws had been flung to the other side of the room. Pictures had been ripped and scattered on the floor along with glass from vases and lamps.

"I know." I sighed, "But what if she is right and Charlie wasn't supposed to die? I can't help but think that if I didn't ignore what she told me then she and Charlie would still be alive and happy."

"There is nothing you or any of us can do now, Edward. The future always changes, we know that more than anyone. We just have to let her grieve." Carlisle's voice was calm but his mind held the same grief for his daughter. He worried that she would never be the Bella we all knew and loved. I was more worried that she would never bounce back from this, I would love her no matter what.

"So, is there any news on who Bella's guardian will be?" I said softly and glanced down at Bella as she muttered 'My fault, I'm sorry.' I shushed her and began running my hand through her hair, wanting to sooth her in the only way I could at the moment.

"It appears that Charlie had a will. The police are going to try and find Renee first but, if she is not found, then Harry and Sue Clearwater will be given custody of her." Carlisle said sadly.

"What?" I growled and the instantly stopped myself. "She can't go onto the Reservation. It's dangerous." On the Reservation we couldn't protect Bella, the treaty stopped all of my family from crossing into Quileute land, but I was conflicted. The idea of her leaving with her mother and living so far away caused a flash of white hot pain through my chest, if that were to occur I would have no choice but to follow her there. If she stayed with the Clearwater's she would be close by but my family and I would be unable to protect her a majority of the time because we couldn't go on their land. And it would be even more dangerous because of the young wolves who don't know how to control themselves yet.

"I know Edward, but there is nothing we can do. Bella is bound by State laws until she turns 18, we will just have to be patient until then."

I shook my head in frustration, this couldn't be happening. Why were things spiraling so far out of my control?