Disclaimer: The Avengers, its characters and The Marvel Cinematic Universe belong to Marvel Studios and The Walt Disney Company, among many others. Marvel's Agents of SHIELD and its characters belong to ABC Studios, Marvel Television, Mutant Enemy Productions, among many others. I'm only a fan, writing this for love of this film/television franchise and personal pleasure.
A.N.: So I'm all caught up on my Marvel now, spoil me away! I've also watched a lot of Agents of SHIELD recently (I honestly have no idea why I didn't watch it while it was airing, as it was something I would obviously enjoy) and I'm obsessed, so don't be surprised by a few connections thrown in here ─ although I will be ignoring seasons 6 and 7, as the Decimation is supposed to take place at the end of season 5 (and it's supposed to be a different timeline and they went a little crack!fic with some parts of the plot on those final seasons lol). Minor spoilers for Black Widow.
This is set during Avengers: Endgame, starting out with Natasha's POV after the confrontation with Thanos.
To Build a Home
22. Scattered Pieces
Every person dealt with loss and grief in their own way, but Natasha Romanoff had never had to contend with it in such a vast, all-encompassing, consequentially devastating manner before. It had knocked the breath out of her chest, causing her vision to go in and out of focus, her head suddenly swimming as if oxygen were no longer available in that strange planet's atmosphere.
She didn't know how long this effect lasted as time suddenly seemed so meaningless. Yet soon enough she had something to focus on: A mission. She was good with missions. She could shut everything else out and focus on what she needed to do and right then, after watching Thanos's head roll on the floor of that wooden cabin, her one mission was to take care of her friends, her team, and make sure they all got back to Earth.
She engaged Carol and moved everyone along after Thor and had to physically drag Steve back to their ship. On their journey back to Earth, she thought of how glad she was that she'd previously put some things in motion and that she could focus on them right away. Nothing worked better than denial to keep one going after such an unbearable blow, and she'd always excelled at it.
The mad idea that suddenly wiping out half the people out of existence would be the solution to any sort of resource distribution problem turned out to be ─ of course ─ quite nonsensical. By simply halving their numbers, Thanos had failed to account that several structures in place were bound to collapse as suddenly there were gaps all over several processes that kept intricate businesses and operations afloat, from both government or private enterprises alike. It was all now a mad rush to keep it still up and running while protecting people from the outlaws, a situation made worse due to suddenly enhanced individuals breaking free from SHIELD's reinforced prisons like The Raft or The Fridge and the unescaping onslaught of grief on a worldwide capacity that just kept hitting them, like wave after wave on a shore during a tsunami.
So there was no shortage of work at their doorstep now, as law enforcement or intelligence agencies from the US and the world at large turned back to them for support in places where they couldn't handle the situations by themselves. The Sokovia Accords were officially being revised and momentarily suspended as the US government issued emergency plans to legalize all the Avengers once more. While all the bureaucracy and the whole chain of command was being put back in place, Natasha knew that if she hoped to keep the team going there was one person she needed to face first.
Rhodey and Bruce had offered to join her, but she somehow felt it was her responsibility and they were needed for other urgent matters as soon as they'd returned, as each had their own set of people that needed to be updated. She would've liked if Steve had come with her, honestly. But he had seemed still too dazed following their return to Earth and had begged off, just shuffling off towards his private quarters.
It had pained her so much ─ too much ─ to see Steve so devastated, lost and unsure after their defeated return to Earth. (After all, now he did not know what to do.) Of course, Natasha wished she could help him or comfort him, somehow. But she didn't know how. So she let him be for the moment and went back to doing what she did best: working on missions and compartmentalizing.
She found Tony and Pepper in their private quarters at the compound, as they'd relocated there from the hospital wing once he had regained consciousness earlier that day while they were out. It looked like they were just finishing an early dinner and Natasha was glad to see Tony was somewhat back up to his feet. At least, he was sitting up by himself, though Pepper was hovering nearby in an anxious state as she turned to her.
"Nat?" Pepper simply asked, her big blue eyes trained on her as she approached them with light footsteps.
For a moment Natasha could only stare back at them, then she shook her head in the negative as she stopped before their dining room table. "The mission failed," she said when she found her voice again, her words coming out hoarsely, in a tone she didn't recognize as her own. "Thanos is gone. He destroyed the Stones."
"What? Are you sure?" Pepper breathed out, one hand gripping the back of Tony's chair to steady herself, the other hand coming up to wrap around her own throat in a spasmodic, unconscious gesture. "Is that even possible?"
"He used the Stones to destroy them," Natasha explained shortly.
That was something that still made her pause, to be honest, as Pepper's question did raise a lot of interesting points. If the Stones were intrinsically linked to all life in the universe, was it even possible to destroy them without irreparably affecting and possibly damaging said universe? However she was by no means an expert on these Infinity Stones and she suspected that doing research on them to get these answers would take a lot of time. For now, she would have to accept their current situation as it was.
"So that surge of power two days ago?" Tony asked, looking up at her from where he'd been staring at the floor since she'd come in. "That's what he did? That was Thanos destroying the Stones?"
"It looks like it, yeah." She nodded minutely, turning her gaze towards him then.
"Unbelievable," Tony muttered under his breath, looking up for a moment as he shook his head, mostly seeming lost in his own thoughts, but Tony being Tony, it wasn't long before he was venting it out, his eyes blazing now as he looked back up at her. "This could've been avoided! You should've gone after him before this long. Finding him should've been your number one priority."
"It was our number one priority." She said in a deadly calm tone, narrowing her eyes back at him and already feeling her pulse pounding on her temple. Tony's posture and words, aiming for a fight, were enough to get her out of this stupor she'd been in and seemed to bring the fire inside of her once more. Nothing like old habits to get it going, really. "You don't need to tell me what we did or did not do wrong here, Tony. I'm well aware of everything that happened."
"That pager that Fury left and brought in the super space Captain? How long ago did she turn up here again? That's right, six days ago," he said rapidly, mostly ignoring her and not pausing to give her space to answer as he was on a tirade now. "Six days, which means you had four days to rally the troops, work out a plan and get the Stones back. That was your mistake. As soon as you got Danvers in, you should've gone after Thanos, not wasted any time looking for me or anything else. Then maybe you could've saved the Infinity Stones and we wouldn't be living this mess!"
"You wouldn't be living at all." Natasha parried back in a dark tone, crossing her arms sternly as she metaphorically stood her ground. "If Carol hadn't found you when she did, you'd be dead right now."
"And I would gladly make that sacrifice if it meant everyone else got back!" Tony exclaimed back, suddenly getting up to his feet and seemingly ready to keep on with his argument.
"Stop! Don't say that!" Pepper suddenly cried out, the tension that had been building in the room seeming to burst with her outcry as both Tony and Natasha turned to her then. She swallowed hard for a moment, then reached out with both her hands, wrapping Tony's hands in a tight, white-knuckled grip as she continued in a softer tone. "I know it's incredibly selfish of me to say this and probably very wrong, but I couldn't do this if you weren't here." She paused for a moment, taking in a shuddering breath as tears gathered in her eyes and burst forth past her eyelashes. "So I for one am very glad they went after you and got you back."
All the fight seemed to be wiped out of Tony as he heard her words, his eyes shining with fresh tears as he looked back at Pepper and took it all in. For once, he was speechless as he could only hold on to her hands then he moved to wrap his arms around her in a tight hug. They stood like this for a moment, until Tony lost the strength in his legs and needed to sit down once more.
Natasha just stood there and watched them for a moment, feeling very uncomfortable to be witnessing something that was so personal between the two of them. As Tony settled back in his chair, she found Pepper's eyes and nodded once back at her before turning around and going back out the way she'd come in. She'd done what had needed to be done anyway, and it looked like any further discussion wouldn't be productive for either of them at the moment.
She paused on the doorway leading out of their private quarters when Pepper caught up to her and called her name out.
"Give him a few days. He'll come around." Pepper said with a somewhat helpless shrug, crossing her arms over her chest. "Don't worry, I'll make sure the Avengers are properly funded and I'll work with Rhodey to reestablish the proper channels with the government."
"What about you two?" Natasha asked with a slight frown.
"He says he wants out of everything." Pepper said, then heaved a small sigh. "I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Stark Industries needs me to keep it all up and running, at the very least. If there's no way around what happened, then the world is going to need all the help it can get and that is something I can do."
"I'll keep in touch." Natasha gave her back a smile, then removed a small vial from one of her pockets and extended it to her. "Oh and make sure to give him this. It's a uh─ something called a Xorrian elixir? I don't know, but Carol said it will get him back to his feet in no time."
"Thanks, Nat." Pepper smiled gratefully then gave her a small wave as she walked back out.
Natasha was then immediately swept into a flurry of activity. She'd sent out several feelers to her old contacts in the past three weeks and those who'd remained were reaching back out to her as they got their bearings once more. As she entered her office she was surprised to find the name Melinda May lighting up on her screen and she accepted the call at once, sitting down in her chair and breathing a sigh of relief she hadn't noticed she'd been holding as she saw one of her instructors from her early days at SHIELD coming up on the tablet screen.
"Nat. What's happening?" The Asian agent said in greeting.
"I could ask you the same." Natasha replied softly with a raised eyebrow. "We hadn't heard from you. I thought you had vanished with the others, May."
"I was in Tahiti, incommunicado." May replied curtly, something flashing in her eyes instead of the usually stoic façade that she wore to the world at large. She paused for a moment, visibly trying to swallow the emotion down and her words faltered a little when she spoke again. "I─ I just got back to the base."
"I heard. Mack filled me in." Natasha said, referencing the new Director of SHIELD and looking with concern back at the older woman for a moment before continuing in an even softer tone. "Coulson?"
"I was with him." May simply said, the true meaning behind her words somehow coming through, her lips forming a thin line, as if by keeping her mouth shut she would be able to keep all the pain from spilling out.
"I'm so sorry." Natasha said with a grimace. Phil Coulson had been one of a kind and she'd been lucky to work with him during her years at SHIELD. Officially, Fury had been her S.O. but being Director of SHIELD didn't give him a lot of time so in practice she'd gone on many missions with Coulson and she knew how much he'd meant to May. "I don't even know what to say. I heard how he was still alive, after that whole mess with Insight when Fury gave me some of his personal files and said the bulk of the SHIELD files were with Coulson. But I never got the chance to meet up with you guys and now he's gone, again."
"Maybe someday we can sit down and I can tell you all about it." May said unexpectedly with an uncharacteristic smile ─ a small yet genuine smile. "How are we doing on your side of things?"
"It's not good. The mission failed." Natasha said with a grimace, for the second time putting into words their worst failure, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. "We're on damage control now. Reestablishing proper channels with the authorities and I think you guys are on the same boat."
"Mack's been working on that. We're back to being a proper government agency." May commented with just a hint of bitterness before adding with a bit of dry humor. "Hoping third time's the charm."
Natasha offered her a rueful smile in return. It was true that SHIELD had been on a wild roller coaster regarding their official status ever since she and Steve had convinced Fury to bring it all down four years ago. The remaining loyal agents of SHIELD had been off the radar for a couple of years then operating under the ATCU that President Ellis had implemented, then got announced back to the world before suffering another blow and being branded as an illegal agency during the past year with its members even going on America's Most Wanted list. Maybe the third time was the charm.
"I sent your contact to Maria Rambeau at SWORD, she's going to want to coordinate things with SHIELD again." Natasha commented and received a curt nod of acknowledgement. "Do you have any people on your end that would be able to help us with any last Hail Mary? I heard some chatter about your feats through some of our mutual friends. Would be very interested in any ideas your team may have."
To be honest, Natasha was looking forward to taking May on her offer to meet up and trade stories, as she's heard some crazy ones through the spy grapevine and she really wanted to check on the veracity of some of the more outlandish stories she'd heard. If any of them were true, she had a feeling Coulson's former team may be key in helping them out now.
"Yeah, well one half of the brains of our team is frozen in cryogenic sleep out in space God knows where and the other half turned into dust just as she was getting ready to go out and get him back." May commented in a pained yet dry tone that was so characteristic of her, Natasha had a sudden flashback of walking down the hallways in the Triskelion and going into martial arts training with her. "I'm afraid Mack, Yo-Yo and I are all you're going to get. We're working on something, tracing leads for a Monolith we've encountered before, but we don't have a lot of data on it or the tools to work one in case we ever find it again, so for now I don't think we have anything of use."
"Ok, keep me posted on that. What about Daisy?" Natasha asked with a raised eyebrow, remembering the Inhuman agent and all she'd been capable of. She'd met up with her vigilante persona Quake in LA during one of their unsanctioned missions back in the early days when she'd been on the run with Steve, Sam and Wanda.
"Dusted." May said simply in a whisper, once more that flash of emotion lighting up in her eyes and she made a visible effort to maintain her composure.
Natasha felt the news like a punch to the gut. When she'd contacted Mack and talked to the team at SHIELD, she'd heard of what had happened to Fitz and Simmons (even if she was still fuzzy on the details of why Leo Fitz would be in cryogenic sleep out in space), but Daisy's status had still been unconfirmed as she'd been out on a mission when the Snap had happened. Now it was one more name she'd have to add to the growing list of allies and great people the world had lost. "I'm so sorry, May." It was all she felt she could say and honestly, she was getting tired of saying it.
May gave her a pained and understanding smile in return. "Me, too."
They settled up a schedule to keep in touch and help each other out in case either team needed help. Battling Thanos had shown Natasha how important it was to keep a wide net of allies and to be ready to jump into the fray at any moment. Having the Avengers and everyone else fragmented in the last few years was the reason this disaster had happened in the first place. If she couldn't go back and undo what had already been done, then she'd make damn sure they weren't making the same mistake moving forward.
During the next couple of days she kept busy rebuilding her network and the Avengers Initiative. She kept Rhodey liaising with the president's office and several other countries and agencies ─ she never had the stomach for all that political crap anyway. Besides, she was much better at the spy stuff and there were several projects she'd put in place that needed her attention. She'd been in the middle of a short trip to Eastern Europe tracing leads when one of her contacts reached out and she breathed a sigh of relief as she answered the call at once.
"Bobbi." She said in greeting with a small smile. "Any updates? Where are you now?"
"Sorry, Nat." The woman on the screen said apologetically. Natasha had known her as a blonde when they'd worked together at SHIELD, but Barbara Morse was now sporting brunette hair ─ they both had a penchant for changing their hair when working undercover. "I caught up to his trail but I lost him in the south of Spain. That's where I am right now. I'm not giving up. I'm still working on it, as I have a few leads to follow up with my local contacts."
"Do you need me to send any back-up?" Natasha asked with some concern.
"No, I'm good working on my own." Bobbi reassured her with a quick shake of the head.
"Are you sure? I know you haven't worked solo in a while now." Natasha didn't want to bring it up again, but she knew Bobbi was still rattled after seeing Lance Hunter simply disappear before her very eyes three weeks before. The two of them had been working together out of Europe for the past few years and she knew how much her ex-nearly-new-husband-again meant to her.
"I'm sure. You don't need to worry." Bobbi insisted, her jaw twitching and tightening up for a moment, but then she relaxed somewhat and continued in a casual tone. "Tracking Barton is low-risk enough, and working like a specialist is just like riding a bike."
Natasha accepted her words at face value, as it really wasn't her style to overstep and Bobbi's tone made it clear this wasn't up to this discussion. Just like her, the former agent of SHIELD was probably glad to be concentrating on something, anything else at the moment. "Any idea where he might be headed?"
"Two or three places in Africa." She said, bobbing her head left and right. "I'm trying to narrow it down before moving again."
"Okay. Keep me posted. Thanks for doing this, Bobbi." Natasha said with a small smile. She really wanted to be the one going after Clint right now, but with so many things demanding her attention she was glad she'd gotten into contact with Bobbi and had her tracking him down. There was no one better for the task, really.
"Hey, don't worry. He was once my partner, too." Bobbi replied with a small smile of her own before signing off.
She held onto the news that Bobbi was closing in on Clint, hoping that soon she may be able to reach her best friend, especially as her trip turned out to be fruitless ─ at least in terms of adding allies to her growing list of people to count on. Unfortunately, she then found irreparable proof and three more names to add to her list of those who had vanished with the Decimation, as the world leaders had taken to referring to the godforsaken moment Thanos had decided to snap his fingers and wipe out half of everything living.
Back stateside and at the compound, her fingers shook and her vision went blurry as she added Alexei Shostakov, Melina Vostakoff and Yelena Belova to the database of known wiped people. The family she'd never had and had lost and found was gone, again. Maybe some things were never meant to be, after all.
She'd been lost in a maelstrom of feelings, trying hard to rein in and keep her focus, keep the pain out, or at the very least use it to make her stronger and move forward with everything she had to do when someone walked in on her.
"Hey Nat, I was wondering ─ what's wrong?" Bruce said, the question he had originally meant to ask her being left aside as soon as he took one look at her drawn face.
"What? Nothing, it's nothing," she said quickly, shaking her head and blinking her eyes, willing the tears away and shutting down the holographic globe and the IDs for all the people they'd lost.
"What happened in Europe?" He asked softly, coming to stand beside her and looking attentively at her face, trying to read her expressions. "Did you find Barton?"
"No, he's still in the wind," she said absentmindedly. "I have a friend chasing leads on him for now."
"Ok," he said as he kept looking at her, wondering if he should push her to talk or not. "Come on, let's get out of here. When was the last time you ate something?" Bruce asked, pulling on her hand and dragging her towards the common kitchen.
"I have no idea," she answered with a watery smile, glad that he wasn't asking her anything more and for the distraction he provided. Natasha let him lead her away then he busied himself with making sandwiches for them that they ate while sharing beers and talking shop, giving each other updates on what had happened the past few days while she was away.
Somehow beers gave way to vodka shots as they deviated from talking shop and just told each other stories of what they'd been up to those years that he had been away on an alien planet and that she'd been on the run with the Secret Avengers. It felt good to lose each other in those stories, thinking of simpler times (and a part of her wondered how being a fugitive on the run or trapped on an alien planet could be now considered "simpler times"), ignoring their present and their reality for at least just a little while.
She'd forgotten how much of a lightweight Bruce was when it came to alcohol, but somewhere after their third shot it came crashing through her almost all at once. He'd been telling her how Thor had gotten him to turn back from the Hulk on Sakaar, his words slurring a little then she could see a different gleam in his eyes as he looked softly back at her. Then one of his hands reached across the table for hers, intertwining their fingers and a doubtful but longing expression she remembered quite well seeing in his eyes some three years before.
"This is a bad idea, Bruce." Natasha murmured back at him, the corners of her lips turning up in a bittersweet smile.
She could understand the appeal, as momentarily losing themselves in memories of past times could certainly bring old feelings to the surface and there had always been something of unfinished (or maybe even unstarted) business with the two of them. But she was in no headspace to jump into anything right now and she was not equipped to deal with her own issues, much less with anyone else's shit at the moment.
Bruce gave her a crooked smile in return. "I'm out of any good ones."
She gave him a small smile, but then gently extricated her hand from his and got up from the table, taking their empty plates and glasses to the sink. She kept her back to him as she started washing the dishes. "You should look up Betty." She told him, looking over her shoulder and noticing the startled look he gave her. "I know she survived and she would want to hear from you." She said, then faced forward again to continue with the washing. "I talked to her a couple of years ago before going on the run. She still cares about you and I think she's the only one who may actually help you right now."
"No, no, no. That's a really bad idea." He said, still staring at her back and shaking his head in a distraught manner. "Last time I was near her she almost died. Several times! I can't put that on her again."
Natasha rolled her eyes to herself, even if Bruce wouldn't be able to see the gesture. "Why don't you let her make that decision? Besides, you can't turn into the Hulk right now, so how would you be putting her in danger?" She asked, finishing with the dishes and turning back around to face him, leaning back against the sink as she thought it was best to keep some distance between them right now.
"There are other dangers, especially as I still don't have a hold of this thing." Bruce argued, frowning up at her. They remained in silence for a few moments, then he sighed and stared down at the floor before speaking again. "I had promised her I would get back to her, and I broke that promise. She'll never forgive me."
"You were trying to protect her." Natasha told him in a gentle tone, and waited until he looked back at her before continuing in a slightly chiding tone. "Stop making all of these decisions for her. And you know, she never stopped her research on your condition or gamma radiation. She may be the key to resolving your current situation with The Other Guy."
She could see how she'd given him a lot to think about, so she just thanked him for dinner and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze as she walked past and left him alone.
Natasha powered through her pain and everything else as she focused on the job, sending people over to help and going out herself to the places that were in need of her expert skills. She was surprised how time was passing by and she fell into a semblance of a regular routine almost without her realizing what she'd been doing. She noticed it was almost a week since their last fateful encounter with Thanos one evening when she'd just returned from a short mission in Manhattan where she'd met with new allies when Rhodey called in through their secure channel.
"Uh, Nat? Are you in?" His voice sounded in her earpiece.
"Yep, just landed the Quinjet," she said, lowering the ramp and coming down on the landing platform. "What's up?"
"Can you come to the hangar? There's uh ─ I don't know what to say, something is happening and I don't know how to handle it."
"On my way." Natasha replied with a frown as Rhodey's words and tone of voice immediately put her on the alert.
She was imagining all sorts of scenarios ─ enemies infiltrating their base, new alien threats detected through the improved satellites they had working for them now, even Bruce somehow unleashing the Hulk again and rampaging the compound. What she had not imagined was Rhodey standing around with a distraught-looking Steve who seemed to be babbling nonsense as tears just kept flowing down his face.
"Steve?" She asked with a concerned frown as she walked up to him, but he didn't seem to acknowledge her presence at all.
"There's nothing, there's nothing," he babbled on then laugh-cried, his hands making desolate yet empty gestures as he turned from Rhodey to her, but it was like his eyes weren't seeing her at all. "It's too late. None of us can go back."
"Ok, Steve? Steve? Listen to me. It's ok." She said, trying to grab his hands and keep him from pacing around, but he wouldn't stay put and kept walking in circles around them, all while repeating those words and other equally nonsensical sentences with a haunted look in his clear blue eyes. "Rhodey, what the hell happened?" She asked then, as she wasn't getting any answers out of Steve.
"I have no idea, Nat," he said, throwing his hands up in a desolate gesture of his own. "He came here and just started saying all of this, that there was nothing, how it's too late and there's no going back. He's not listening to anyone."
"Oh God," she whispered to herself, her face draining of color as she stared back at Steve's incoherent and pacing form and thinking the words but not daring to say them out loud: he was having a nervous breakdown. She pressed on the communicator in her ear. "Bruce? We need you at the hangar. Now."
She tried to keep him in place and calm him down as they waited, but the sight was something that was fairly breaking her heart. Steve had been just about the most solid, dependable person she's ever known. Seeing him break down so completely and become this mess, his blue eyes unseeing as the tears simply streamed down his face was something she'd never thought possible, not even in her wildest, most impossible nightmares.
When Bruce joined them, they started running through possible differential diagnosis for what could be causing his condition. As they started listing the possible causes and solutions for this, Natasha suddenly had a flash in her head and realized she hadn't properly sat down or talked to Steve in days. They'd both been going out on missions on their own and barely crossed paths at the compound for the past week, and the brief time she remembered seeing him he had looked very drawn, with dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't properly rested during this whole time.
"FRIDAY, when was the last time Steve slept?" She asked Tony's AI that maintained all of their security systems at the compound.
"The last time Captain Rogers had any considerable amount of sleep was six days ago, Agent Romanoff." The AI replied promptly.
"Well, that explains it," Rhodey said with a huff, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at the other two as Steve kept on pacing and blabbing nearby. "Even with his serum, he can't function without any sleep."
"Nat, we have to sedate him," Bruce said at once. "This is too dangerous. He could go into full-blown psychosis."
She nodded silently back at him, already having reached the same conclusion even as he said the words. Between the three of them, they managed to cajole Steve over towards the hospital wing and Natasha held out her hand as Bruce got the syringe filled with sedative. "Mind his serum; we'll probably need to use more than the regular dose," she said in a voice she didn't recognize as her own.
"I know," Bruce said quietly, handing her a syringe. "Let's use this for starters and up the dose if necessary."
They ended up needing four doses and finally Steve's eyes drooped and his whole form sagged as the sedative took effect on him. They moved him to one of the hospital rooms and hooked him to saline solution and several cables to keep track of his vitals. Other than sleep deficiency, he was severely dehydrated and his electrolytes were all out of whack, as Bruce put once they'd run his bloodwork. Thankfully, nothing else seemed to be wrong with him.
She crashed almost immediately after they sedated him, all the stress of the last few days taking its toll on her body as well, but even in her exhaustion Natasha refused to leave Steve's side so they put her on a sleeping cot next to his bed and closed the drapes and the door to give them some quiet to rest. She slept through the whole morning and woke mid-afternoon, with Bruce reporting that Steve's status was better and that his electrolytes were back to normal and they expected him to wake up probably the next morning.
Somewhat comforted, she got back to all the duties she needed to attend to at the compound and with any ongoing missions to oversee. The day had drawn to a close and it was evening when she finally paused and was just checking in on Steve when Rhodey called her over and said he had Okoye in the conference room and they needed her.
"Hey, Okoye," she greeted the Wakandan General with a small smile, walking in to stand before her holographic image. "I've been meaning to call and thank you for the wine you sent us." Just a couple of days ago, a box had been delivered from Wakanda and it contained a few bottles of some special wine that had been T'Challa's special reserve.
"You're welcome," the General said with a severe expression that somehow didn't match her words. "I'm afraid you won't be thanking me for what I have to say next."
Natasha felt her blood running cold at her words, her body somehow predicting what was coming. It was an almost out of body experience as she heard Okoye describing the report she'd received from her intelligence force of an attack to a local militia group in the neighbouring South Sudan. The nature and imagery her words painted was of a massacre that had wiped out an entire army ruthlessly, the carnage and violence reminiscent of acts of war she had seen in her past and could picture almost blow by blow.
Just as the method and weapons used in the assault led her to the inescapable conclusion as to who was the perpetrator, Natasha received an encrypted text from Bobbi Morse.
"Traced B. to S. Sudan. Couldn't make contact. Following to S. Africa."
For Natasha, it was the proverbial last straw. She felt overwhelmed in such a way that life was suddenly unbearable and she'd almost thought of just giving up. Instead, she decided to get drunk.
Now thanks to her own version of the Soviet super serum, she'd never been able to actually get certifiably drunk. So it was very fortuitous that Okoye had sent over those bottles and that proved strong enough to actually inebriate her.
She didn't remember signing off the conference call with Okoye or taking the bottles of wine to her room. She had no memory of finishing two bottles by herself and starting on a third before Bruce knocked on her door hours later to tell her that Steve was awake. She did remember walking into his room and making an absolute fool of herself before finally breaking down and copiously crying and letting him hold her as if her life depended on it.
She also didn't remember falling asleep, but she assumed eventually she did as next thing she knew she was waking up in her own bed early the following morning, alone. She took one look in the mirror at the dark circles under her bloodshot eyes, her hair in disarray and the bitter taste in her mouth accompanied by flashes of memory of the spectacle she'd caused with Steve the night before, and she didn't recognize the person before her. Squaring her shoulders, she'd decided one mental breakdown was enough already and it was time she got it back under control.
She took a shower and tried to stomach some breakfast, as a hangover was not something she had any experience with since the Red Room, but she knew hydration was key and a couple of aspirins helped with the pounding in her head. The shame and ache in her heart was another matter altogether, but then one thing at a time and all of that.
Natasha threw herself back into work, reading mission reports and sending people out to those that came asking for help. It was a few hours later that Steve found her in the command center she'd set up for herself at the compound and approached her with a sheepish smile.
"So about last night…" He started uncertainly, rubbing a hand embarrassedly behind his neck as he walked up to her.
"Yes. I apologize, it won't happen again." She interrupted him, quickly looking up at him and hiding all traces of embarrassment behind a mask as she kept on working on the holographic papers floating out in front of her. As he just kept staring at her, she stopped and looked directly back into his eyes. "Look, can we just forget it even happened?"
"Are you sure?" Steve asked, his eyebrows going up in surprise as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I feel like we should talk about it."
"I'm sure." She said with a resolute nod back at him. Talking about it was the last thing she wanted and she was a bit surprised that he would insist on it. "Besides, we have work to do." She added, hoping he would take the bait and leave it well enough alone.
"Work?" He repeated, his eyebrows somehow going up even higher than before.
"Yes, work." She confirmed, crossing her arms over her chest and staring back at him. "The world just kept on spinning, Steve. There are crises happening in lots of places and they could use our help. You up for it?"
"Yeah." He rasped out, seeming a bit thrown but then he cleared his throat and nodded back at her. "Yes, of course."
"Good." She gave him a tiny smile back and launched right into it. "So New York is covered, I got a few people working on it right now."
"People? What people?" He asked with a frown as he came up to her to look at what she had up in the holographic screen.
"I got in contact with a few of Matt Murdock's contacts in Manhattan. There's a couple taking care of things in Hell's Kitchen and Harlem for now ─ Jessica Jones and Luke Cage." She explained as she motioned at the information floating out in front of them on the rotating screens. "Rhodey just flew out for a mission on the west coast, but we got news of a siege in Paris that I'd like to take a look at as soon as we can head out there."
"Ok." He nodded then started moving towards the door. "Give me ten and I'll meet you at the Quinjet."
As he left, Natasha felt her heart rate slowing down. She hadn't even noticed the spike in her heart rate before as she'd talked to him, but for the moment she considered this a crisis well averted. She had work to do and she needed Steve by her side. Everything around them was a mess, but she didn't need to make a mess out of their relationship. Nodding silently to herself, she patched the information from the siege over to the Quinjet and made a mental note to send the crate of bottles of Wakandan wine over to Thor as no doubt the Asgardian would appreciate the hell out of them and she definitely didn't need those things around to risk making a fool of herself again.
A.N.: This is all of my head-canon for the Snap/Decimation/Blip (seriously, who came up with such a stupid name?). I've basically halved all the numbers from several other stories, like from the Defenders, Danny Rand and Matt Murdock would vanish while Jessica Jones and Luke Cage remain in NYC (and eventually have their baby girl in those five years). Daisy and Fitz-Simmons get dusted, because otherwise the genius couple could come up with time-travel way before the timeline in Endgame and enough with keeping them apart; at least this way they're both dead at the same time. Also I know it was said somewhere that Betty supposedly was wiped away with the Snap, but in my head-canon it would make perfect sense that she would be the one who was able to help Bruce evolve into his Professor Hulk form, and I like the idea of Natasha giving him the nudge in the right direction while also firmly shutting the door on Brutasha and establishing the two of them as good friends only.