Disclaimer: The Avengers, its characters and The Marvel Cinematic Universe belong to Marvel Studios and The Walt Disney Company, among many others. Marvel's Agents of SHIELD and its characters belong to ABC Studios, Marvel Television, Mutant Enemy Productions, among many others. I'm only a fan, writing this for love of this film/television franchise and personal pleasure.
A.N.: Set in Avengers: Endgame, early during the Five Year gap.
To Build a Home
23. Moving Out
The mission was supposed to be easy.
Okay, maybe "easy" wasn't exactly the right word, considering they'd been called in to handle the situation in the first place. Nothing that needed the Avengers' expertise could be considered easy per se. But it was something definitely within their line of work, nothing unlike several missions they'd handled in the past and not even close to the end-of-the-world catastrophes they'd prevented over the years.
Somehow the Avengers managed to keep working together over the next year after the battle with Thanos, with some notable modifications. Tony had really hung up his suit and even took a break from working at Stark Industries, focusing instead on building a house in upstate New York where he would live with Pepper and their expanding family ─ they were now in full parental leave mode after recently welcoming their baby girl and were as far removed from any battles or danger of any kind as possible (unless an alpaca eating their berries somehow classified as danger). Thor had also begged off, saying he needed to focus on being a king and leader for his people in the territory of New Asgard in Norway where they'd been settled to rebuild, though to be honest after the initial building and settling he wasn't doing much leading anymore, unless beer runs or Call of Duty missions online counted for that. But after everything they'd been through, no one begrudged them this change of pace or the new lives they chose to live. They'd earned as much.
The others all banded together and tried to do their best to help out where they could. Natasha had somewhat seamlessly stepped into a leadership role in the Avengers Initiative, as she worked to coordinate efforts and improve communication and cooperation between various existing teams ─ US military, law enforcement and intelligence agencies, SHIELD, SWORD, special forces, Wakanda's Dora Milaje, former spies or Black Widows, Space Scavengers, surviving Nova Corps from Xandar, you name it. If they were still alive and willing to help, she was getting in contact and gathering them up whenever and wherever the going got rough.
The team had received the request from Brazil's President and Commander in Chief to capture the head of the alt-right local militia in Rio de Janeiro (who had ties to the previously defeated presidential candidate in the last election) that was threatening a coup. After the disaster of the Decimation, the country struggled to put order back in its territory and they were at the brink of erupting into a full-blown civil war. The President and Congress considered it foolhardy to send their own military forces to interrupt the advances of the insurgents, especially considering there were those sympathetic with the movement in the armed forces and as it would escalate matters and put the general population at risk, as previous attempts to curb the movement made big splashes on worldwide headlines with the disastrous consequences of hundreds that had already died in the crossfire with the local police. As the Avengers were officially under the UN administration, they were technically a global force and more neutral to intervene in this situation, so they were contacted to bring it all to an end.
Lethal force was authorized against the rebel forces if necessary, however they had orders to bring in the militia leader alive as he would have important intel that could lead to the capture of other heads of the faction and even implicate political leaders in Congress or State levels.
Natasha and Steve devised the tactical plan, then they both went in, taking point and leading two teams with Rhodey, Melinda May and Yo-Yo Rodriguez, on loan from SHIELD for the mission, and Nebula and Rocket, who'd been close by in the galaxy and jumped in to help. Bruce was standing by in the Quinjet to run back-end and offer assistance, if necessary. It turned out he was needed, but not in any way they'd anticipated.
The mission had been going according to plan, with the teams efficiently removing the guards and making their way into the militia's base, which was on an old mansion from the plantation days in the valleys outside of the city of Rio de Janeiro. Steve, Rhodey, May and Rocket barged in through the main entrance and attracted attention to draw out the enemy soldiers while Natasha, Yo-Yo and Nebula went in through the back to quickly locate and extricate the man in charge. The two teams worked quickly and efficiently by containing and immobilizing where possible and applying deadly force where necessary, receiving additional guidance from Bruce who had access to visual schematic enhancements as they moved through the place.
"Five more headed your way, Steve," Bruce called out as he looked at the thermal images in the Quinjet's schematic screens. He'd been trying to pinpoint the leader's location, but it was a hard job based on thermal imaging alone. "Nat, there's a cluster of people on the third level, right at the center of the house inside what looks like a fortified room. That may be your man."
"Roger that," Natasha replied and signaled Nebula and Yo-Yo to move out and follow her as they went in through one of the back entrances.
With Yo-Yo scouting up ahead and reporting to them and Nebula making quick work of any secured doors, the three of them were able to infiltrate the house and move to the third level at a quick pace. As Nebula disabled the mechanisms and they blew up the fortified door with a small localized bomb, they walked into the safe room but only found more of the militia army and nothing of their leader.
"Where the hell is this guy?" Natasha muttered to herself, after she finished knocking out the last of the men in there with a roundhouse kick.
"Uh guys," Bruce sounded in their comms. "The ground is opening up."
They all felt the ground shake and looking outside through one of the windows in the hallway they saw what looked like a platform splitting open the lawn in front of the mansion and a helicopter rising out of it.
"Rhodey!" Steve called out as he engaged three of the footmen by himself just outside the front door to the mansion.
"On it," Rhodey replied right away, leaving the ground fight for Steve and the others and flying up to intercept the helicopter.
Several things then happened all at once. Rhodey was able to ground the helicopter before it could take off, shooting precise laser beams to cut out the blades that were just starting to gather speed. He moved in to pursue the pilot, a few soldiers and the leader of the militia as they got off and made a run for the surrounding forest. May and Rocket started to clear a path after them while Steve was still engaged in a fight by the front door, but he had barely stepped foot inside the house to take strategic cover when Natasha's urgent voice came through their comms.
"Everyone move out of the house! Move out now!"
They had five seconds then the house exploded from the inside out in a shower of fire and falling debris, smoke and ash rising up in a cloud where the house stood before. Steve coughed up and removed a portion of the wall that had fallen on top of him just as he was able to clear out of the threshold. He vaguely heard through the ringing in his ears as Rhodey reported he had their target in custody.
"Is everybody ok?!" Steve called out, hearing positive responses from May and Rocket nearby while Nebula called in through comms and confirmed she was alright. Not hearing from the other two members of their team on the ground, Steve grew anxious. "Nat? Yo-Yo?"
"They're fine," Nebula reported for them via comms. "They jumped out through the window and fell in the pool. Their comms got damaged."
"What the hell was that?" May asked as she punched out one of the last men standing on the ground with them.
"I think it's pretty safe to say that was a bomb," Rocket replied sarcastically as he took aim and shot out a couple of men trying to make it to the woods.
"Bastard probably rigged the house to blow while he tried to make his escape and put those people inside the safe room to lure us in," Rhodey said as he landed in front of them with the militia leader with his hands handcuffed behind his back.
"You son of a bitch," Steve spit out as he walked up and got right in the man's face, his hands fisting around the lapels of his shirt. "Those were your men in there and you just left them out to die?!"
The man huffed out a mirthless laugh. "[This coming from the guys who let half the world go poof a year ago]," he said originally in Portuguese, the translation coming in through the new universal translator added into their comms.
Suddenly Steve just lost it. It wasn't the first time someone had said something to that effect when confronted by the Avengers, but after almost getting himself and the team blown to bits and hearing these words as a smart comeback made him see red. Before anyone could react, Steve punched out the guy who instantly crumpled to the floor. With one hand he hoisted the man up by his shirt collar and with the other he continued to plummet the side of his face again and again and again.
"Steve! What the hell!" Rhodey exclaimed as he moved in and tried to pry him away from their target, who barely moved his arms to try and cover his face from the oncoming blows.
May and Rocket moved in to assist, but they all got blown away as Steve's super strength seemed at a peak and he had only one objective in mind. As he pushed his team away and continued to punch at the militia leader's head there seemed to be no stopping him until a giant green hand pulled on his fist and threw him away, his body flying out and collapsing against a portion of the mansion wall that remained standing.
"ENOUGH!" The Hulk roared out, his green fists shaking as he stood his ground between the enraged Steve and their fallen target.
The super soldier shook his head and tried to get up but stumbled a moment later, simply collapsing down on the ground. Natasha and Yo-Yo rounded the corner of the destroyed house just then, dripping wet and confusedly staring at the scene before them just as Nebula cautiously approached the Hulk.
"Banner," Nebula said in her husky, low voice. "You need to calm down."
"Hulk ─ calm," the giant green monster huffed out through his greeted teeth. "Steve ─ not!"
Seeing this, Natasha engaged a separate communicator in her wrist. "Mack, send in Betty with the containment module and a medical team."
A few minutes later, one of SHIELD's containment modules landed in front of them as the group gathered around. The Hulk remained standing his ground and huffing out now and again, but seemed incredibly in control of his temper. In the meantime, SHIELD's Zephyr One, their mobile air base, appeared in the sky above them and sent out another team in a Quinjet to assist them.
Betty Ross came out of the containment module with a pad in hands and approached the Hulk without hesitation. The green monster took one look at her and struggled for a moment before he walked into the containment module and they gave each other tight smiles as she punched out the codes on the pad and the doors closed with a hiss, sealing the Hulk inside the module which was then propelled back up to Zephyr One.
Betty joined the rest of the team and ministered first aid to their target just as the second Quinjet landed with a full medical team. They busied themselves with their work as the original team that went in for the job assessed all the damage and gathered around the militia soldiers that had been knocked out in their fight, putting them all in handcuffs so that they could be handed over to the official government forces.
As each team member had their own post mission assignments, they all steered clear off the path Natasha walked as she glared daggers in front of her and gestured with her head for Steve to follow her. He squared his shoulders and went up the ramp of their Quinjet after her, which Bruce had hastily landed near the destroyed mansion.
"What the hell was that?" Natasha exclaimed, rounding up on him once they were inside and further away from the others. "We were supposed to go in and bring the target back alive, and instead you beat him half to death!" She was mystified that Steve would've lost his head so completely to the point that even Rhodey with his suit plus Melinda May and Rocket couldn't take him off the man. Thank God she'd had the foresight to bring Betty along in case the Hulk was unleashed and have Mack nearby to assist. Bruce was still far from done with his treatments in the radiation lab, but he'd never hesitate to help out the team when they needed him.
His face was grim and set as Steve looked defiantly back at her. Somehow the anger that had ignited at those words, grating on his nerves like a scratch lighting a match still had his blood boiling, even after all the blows he'd punched out on the man, getting thrown out against a wall by the Hulk and the minutes they'd stood around waiting. "We got him and he's alive. Job done." He said, a snarl curling at the corners of his mouth.
"He's in a fucking coma, Steve!" She cried out, throwing her hands up in frustration. Taking a step closer, she inhaled a steadying breath before looking up at him dead in the eyes and continuing in an unwavering tone. "You need to get your shit together."
His eyebrows went up in surprise at that. "My shit? Oh, that's rich." He murmured, shaking his head a little, that smirk still pulling at his lips. "Like you're one to talk."
She could've given in to the argument and come back with an apt, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" But she knew exactly what he meant. They were all still grieving and handling it with varying degrees of success (or not, as it were). But instead she focused on the matter at hand, because even if they were all screwed up at the moment, other people had it worse and they depended on them now.
"I'm in charge and I'm telling you, get your act together." She said, her voice a deadly calm whisper now as she stared up at him. "You're not going out again until medical has cleared you. That's an order."
His eyes narrowed marginally back at her for a moment and a vein pulsed on his temple, but after a moment his lips set into a grim line and he acquiesced. "Yes, ma'am."
Natasha tried to rein in her temper. She was usually very apt at controlling herself, but lately Steve had been excellent at pushing her over the limit. He'd been constantly worrying her, either careening carelessly into their missions with no regard for his welfare or losing his temper when faced with an enemy, but he'd never lost it so completely as this one instance. She was pissed at what he'd done and she had no idea how to get him out of this destructive (or self-destructive) behavior. She could definitely understand the urge to punch someone out, as she stood before Steve and breathed heavily through her nose and willed herself not to hit him.
She barely made it outside of the Quinjet, back into the rubble of the ruined mansion before she managed to expel all the fury and desperation inside of her with a punch to one of the militia men who had just recovered consciousness and attempted to run out. No one dared approach her as he crumbled back down on the ground and she moved to put cuffs on his hands.
At least she'd managed to stop herself at one punch.
A week went by and Steve was forced to attend mandatory therapy sessions if he hoped to get to work out in the field again. He hated it, but protocol demanded it and a part of him knew it was the right thing to do. He's just never been very used to talking about his feelings, past experiences or expectations or anything too personal in a safe way, as keeping it all under lock and key was the only way he's ever managed to feel secure and put together ─ as otherwise his world might just crumble if he's forced to face all the demons that live inside of him.
But the devastation and desolation of their reality made these new protocols necessary. Deep down, he knew that keeping it all bottled up wasn't healthy. In truth, none of what any of his friends were doing seemed to be healthy ─ with the possible exception of Tony and Pepper, but then they were the lucky ones and the rest of them, not so much.
He'd thought crossing that line and nearly murdering a man in a fit of uncontrolled rage was something akin to rock bottom. When he finally decided to take his therapy sessions seriously and broke down in the middle of one going into a near catatonic state, he felt like that was rock bottom. But it turned out that maybe it was the first step needed to get out of this dark place he'd been in for so long and build towards something a bit more healing and perhaps even healthier.
For the first time in a long while, he was faced with a question that hadn't been asked of him probably since the 1940's and that he hadn't stopped to think since then: What did he want?
Really, what did Steve Rogers want? Did he want to get better just so that he could suit up and get out into the world, helping those that couldn't help themselves? Did he need to be the hero because he didn't know who he was without that? That didn't sound true, as he thought he knew who he was, even if he would no longer be Captain America, as he'd done when he'd been on the run for those two years. But sometimes he wondered...
"Captain America, thinking he can live in a world without war."
Steve started to wonder more and more about Ultron's words. He knew the twisted, murderous AI was created primarily by Tony, so after everything that happened those words took on a new meaning for him. Even when he was an outlaw instead of trying to live a quiet life he'd still gone looking for trouble wherever he was, still living with violence as a supposed means to achieve peace.
Maybe all this conflict was the problem itself. He'd been living from one war into another, never stopping to think if this was what he wanted beyond all he'd felt back in 1942, with WWII blowing across Europe and spilling into the United States while all the men at home were enlisting to fight this threat spreading over the world. It had felt like the only right thing to do. When his own parents had died because of the wars and so many people he knew were putting their lives on the line for the sake of others, how could he want to do anything else?
But maybe it was what started them all on the path they'd traveled all the way to right now. A lot of people may think of how Tony had put them on this fast-track to the Avengers when he'd stepped out of a cave in Afghanistan or maybe even Danvers when she'd first got in contact with Nick Fury and SHIELD more than a decade before Tony ever stepped up to a podium and declared his Iron Man identity to the world, but long before that Steve had been the one laying down the first blocks on that road. By entering Project Rebirth, by becoming Captain America and teaming up with Howard Stark, way before Tony had ever existed. By standing tall against oppressive forces that threatened the free people of the world, he'd inadvertently started something that culminated in this very moment they were living right now: The decimation of half the universe.
He was sick of this life of violence. All he had wanted was to know a life of peace, but even his mind played tricks on him. When Wanda had put that spell on him and he had envisioned coming home from the war, scenes from the battles would superimpose themselves over joyous moments of celebration, as if it were all one and the same. Like he couldn't ever really reach that peace as he was forced to live with the violence. Like he could never leave the war behind.
So what did he want?
Maybe he didn't want to have to fight anymore...
It was close to two months after the mission in Brazil when Steve finally went back to the Avengers compound. When Natasha had benched him until his psychiatric evaluation came in, he'd taken a bag with some of his things and cleared out, saying he needed some space and time to figure things out.
He came in late one evening after the sun had just set. A part of him wondered if he would need to be cleared for entrance, but his credentials and biometric reads were still active as he reached the gate and then made his way in through the familiar halls. He found Natasha with Rhodey in her command center, the two of them sitting at the large table and going over some mission reports as they ate Chinese food takeout.
"Steve, hey," Rhodey greeted with a smile as he saw him rounding the corner and walking into the room. "Just in time for dinner. Grab a plate and join us, man."
"Nah, I don't want to interrupt and I'm not hungry," he said with a shrug, somewhat hesitant to join in after being away for so long.
"Don't be ridiculous. Since when are you not hungry?" Natasha retorted easily, her eyes fleeting to his momentarily as a smile tugged at her lips. "There's plenty even for you and we got those egg rolls you love."
He threw her a thankful smile and drew up a chair on the other side of the table, helping himself to a plateful and joining the two of them for this impromptu dinner. For a while it was almost the same as it'd ever been, as they talked shop a little then deviated in their conversation to more mundane, lighthearted topics, such as Tony's latest picture dump of baby Morgan that he'd sent Rhodey just that morning. After they finished eating, Rhodey excused himself saying he needed to check on some adjustments to his War Machine suit.
After he left, Steve and Natasha sat alone in silence for a while. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it wasn't uncomfortable either. Somehow they managed to tread that thin line as they avoided each other's eyes, things that were said and too many things that weren't.
"So how have you been?" Natasha braved the silence as she raised her eyes and faced him on. Steve looked up and raised an eyebrow back at her and she rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Yeah, I'm getting the reports from Dr. Fine, but I'd rather hear it from the source itself."
He huffed out a soft laugh, but maintained eye contact as he leaned back on his chair. "I'm doing alright," he said after a moment. "It's slow work, but I'm getting there. I uh ─ I guess I should say thank you." She raised an eyebrow at this and he gave her a rueful smile. "For the dressing down, pushing me to get some help and do the actual work."
"You're welcome," she told him with a soft smile. "Though I'll say I've never been a fan of doing the work myself."
"You still do it though," Steve countered still with a small smile.
Natasha bobbed her head right and left for a moment in a doubtful gesture. It was true that she did attend mandatory therapy sessions now and then, after all she was the one who had implemented the new protocol and it would be hypocritical of her to avoid them. But truth be told she was more than apt to say all the right things and manipulate the results in her favor instead of doing the actual work; she found herself doing it even subconsciously at times. She had her own ways of coping, but talking and opening up (especially to a shrink, even if she did trust Dr. Fine at his job) was definitely not high on her list.
Nevertheless, she was glad to hear that it was working out for Steve. She was glad that she'd made him do it, even if it did put a strain in their relationship. While her own coping mechanisms may not be the healthiest in the world, the way he'd been handling (or mishandling it all) had been way worse than anything she was doing ─ at least the only harm she was possibly causing was to herself, whereas Steve had started to inflict his pain unto others and it was affecting the job they needed to do.
Just as her thoughts had turned down that path, she realized why he'd spent so much time away and what he'd come to do now as his smile became somewhat pained and he hesitated for a long moment before talking again. "Nat?" He paused, licking his dry lips and stalling what he needed to say a moment further. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this, but…"
"You're quitting." She finished for him softly, the words coming out past her lips in a breath yet it was a firm statement, there was no inflection of a question or any hint of accusation; she was merely affirming for him the words he seemed unwilling to say out loud.
He wasn't surprised that she'd managed to finish the thought for him. Natasha had always managed to read him with a certain ease and that remained true even if their relationship had been strained lately. "I can't do this anymore." He said with a somewhat helpless shrug, the words leaving his lips like a weight coming down from his shoulders, something like relief mixed with regret marking his features. "I don't think I have it in me to keep on fighting, to be an Avenger."
"Just as well." She commented easily, hoping to give him some peace of mind with her ready acceptance. She knew how hard it would be for Steve to admit this, to have come over and say this to her, after all they'd been through together. "After what you pulled in the last mission, I was thinking of keeping you out anyway." She added honestly with a rueful smile.
"Yeah." He breathed out in reply, this time surprised that she had seemed to accept it so easily. Steve had thought she'd protest or insist a little, to give him one of their ready speeches they were bound to say whenever the other was losing hope or sight of what they needed to do. He didn't know if it felt worse or better that he didn't need to convince her of his decision.
"Have you thought of what you wanna do?" She asked conversationally, suddenly feeling restless and like this sitting and just looking at each other from across the table was a bit too much, so she got up and started gathering the empty plates and glasses to load in the dishwasher and empty food cartons to throw out. "You could stay here at HQ and help with tactical instead of going out in the field." She offered over her shoulder as she walked towards the kitchen.
"Actually I think I need a complete change of pace." He said as he also gathered some dishes and followed her out. When they reached the kitchen, he opened the dishwasher and started loading everything in as they continued talking and she threw the trash out. "I know I have a lot of work to do for myself, so for now I think I'm gonna focus on that. But obviously I can stick around and help with tactical if you need me to stay." He added with a concerned frown as he closed the door and started the cycle.
"I'll manage, I think," she said with a crooked smile, as she leaned back against the kitchen island. "You deserve a break to take care of yourself, Steve." They'd all been self-sacrificing idiots (or heroes, depending on how you looked at it) for too long, but probably no one for as long as Steve Rogers. Natasha wouldn't make him stay if he didn't have it in him anymore to put the world on his shoulders. It wouldn't do any good for either of them.
"You really think so?" He asked, doubt still creeping into his voice as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter. Even if he had come to the conclusion that he needed to take a step back, the decision wasn't an easy one and he still went back and forth in his own mind with an endless inner argument if he was actually doing the right thing, considering the state of the world and what else would he be able to offer if he were no longer a soldier.
"Of course," she told him at once, raising her eyebrows a little that he would still doubt it. "You do what you need to do, and when ─ if ─ you ever want to come back, the team and I will be here." She offered with a simple shrug.
"Thanks, Nat." He told her sincerely, relief evident in his voice then he heaved a somewhat heavy sigh. "I think I need some distance to figure out who I want to be in our new reality. I know other people are still hurting, too and I keep thinking a lot of what Sam used to do, at the VA in DC."
"Running that support group?" She said with some surprise. She didn't think he would go so deep into the whole therapy and sharing of experiences thing so fast, but then maybe it really was what he'd needed if he was set on changing his entire life now.
"Yeah." He said, giving her a crooked smile of his own now and a quiet shrug. "I don't know, I think it's something I'd like to do in the long run, to still try to help people in any way I can."
She smiled softly, as of course he would still be thinking of what he could do to help other people, even when the idea was to step back to take care of himself. "Sam would be proud of you."
He gave her an embarrassed yet somewhat proud smile. "With everything that's happened, it seems like something that would help a lot of people. I got in contact with a VA in the city and I started going along to some meetings. I was thinking of getting a place close by."
"In Brooklyn? To your old stomping grounds?" She asked, receiving a positive nod in reply and she added, "It will be good for you, I'll bet. Like coming home."
"You could come with me." He said suddenly, something of a hopeful glint lighting up his eyes and for a moment he didn't know if he meant going to a meeting or moving away from the compound to Brooklyn. In a way, he supposed he meant both, as he didn't know how Natasha still managed to cope with everything and keep doing this while bottling it all up inside. "Might do you some good to change the scenery a little, too."
"I'm not one for all that sharing and heart-to-hearts, you know that." She said ruefully, as even if the two of them were somewhat used to talking and leaning on each other a bit, she didn't make a habit of it and certainly not with others. "Besides, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, Steve." She said easily with a small smile. With all the uncertainty of the world, that was one thing she knew for sure, at least.
A.N.: To anyone who's struggling with depression, anxiety or any other form of mental health issue, seek help! Our world may not be the one from the Snap/Decimation of the MCU, but we have been through a lot over the last year or so. Seeking help or therapy is a show of strength and form of self-care. We all need a little help getting up when we're down and it's always ok to ask for it. Look into your local communities if you can't afford a private therapist. Self-help lines exist in many places and some form of community outreach programs can offer free sessions or reduced charges for those in need.