Under the moonlight
A Rizzoli & Isles (J/M) Story
By Jaansche
Disclaimers:
Rizzoli & Isles were created by Tess Gerritsen and adapted for TV by Janet Tamaro. This story is out of the concept of the show. Just some random storyline as I don't want to write about what's happening in the show. You guys can watch it. ;)
Summary:
After a horrible change in her life Jane has to focus on her future. The first time Jane runs away from her problems until a young traveler stops her and forces her to name the devil who is haunting her. Of course it's Maura, traveling the world.
Authors Note:
This is my first time writing FanFiction and writing IT IN ENGLISH . I got inspired by some of you guys. There are really talented people here! I hope I won't post too many mistakes. I do proofreading but I'm only as good as my computer. ;) Please feel free to correct my mistakes! I'll try and update the story while writing. And I'm so looking forward to any reviews.
That day had been a good one. At least, Jane thought. After a long period of bad days. And that was quite an understatement Jane realized. She wasn't even sure, if she, at all, had anything but real crappy days in a long time. "That's life, I guess."
3 month ago
Boston. Rain. Fog.
"Gabriel! Gabriel! Listen to me… everything will be ok. It's ok... Stay with me! I'm here! I'm here… Please don't go… Stay with me…" Jane wasn't sure her words were heard. She took her hands and pressed with all her power onto the wound to stop blood splashing out of it.
Gabriel Dean was lying on his back. Realizing the bullet had fatally wounded his heart was one thing but seeing the love and the fear on Jane's face was nearly killing him faster.
"Jane… I…" he tried to get the last words out of his dying body.
"Gabriel... sssh… you shouldn't speak now! Ambulance is coming soon. Just stay with me." Jane changed her position from kneeling next to him to laying on him. She tried to produce more pressure to stop the bleeding. She was praying to God to save this man not only for his viability but moreover for her sake. She had a tendency to jeopardize loved ones.
"Jane… I only... want you to know… I love you!"
"I know! I'm sorry. I…" Jane was looking for help. The ambulance was nowhere to be seen. The skin color of Gabriel was paler than ever. She tried to increase the pressure on the wound when she realized it wasn't helping at all.
"Where is the fucking ambulance? I need help!" Jane yelled as loud as she was able to, but there was no one around who would hear her words. There where people all over the crime scene, but no one came to help.
"Korsak? Frost? Frankie?" Jane cried in sheer desperation. "Someone…?" But she already grasped that is was too late. Gabriel was panting, desperately trying for air to fill his lungs, but was unable to do so. Jane leaned over and pressed her lips on his mouth. They were cold and wet. She kept there for some seconds before she slightly raised her head and whispered in the dying man ear "I love you too!" There was no sign of comprehension from Gabriel Dean. His attempts to breath stopped. Jane was looking into his eyes and she saw life leaving the body. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
Hours later she came out of her trance. She was sitting in a chair. A blanket was draped around her body. She didn't know how she came here. She didn't understand where she was. But she realized within seconds the guilt, which crawls up her body from deep inside her. It hit her like a train and she started crying like she never did before.
He was gone and she hadn't been able to save him. After crying what felt like a million years, Jane sensed someone next to her. She looked up from her hands to see her family. Her mom was approaching the chair next to her. Her brother Frankie was kneeling in front.
"Jane? Come with us. There is nothing you can do. You need to clean… sleep! Please come home… with us!" Her mom's eyes were pleading. Angela Rizzoli wanted to take Jane into her arms and never let her go again.
"No, I can't." Her voice sounded flat and hoarse. "I can't go back just as simple as that."
Jane dropped her gaze from her mother's face and wrapped herself tighter in the blanket.
"Jane, I won't leave you here!" Frankie stood up and started to grab Jane by her shoulder to lift her along.
"Don't touch me! Don't dare to touch me!" Jane blazed with anger. "Where have you been when I needed you most? Where have you been Frankie when Gabriel was dying in my arms? Why wasn't there any help?" Jane collapsed into the arms of her brother. Everything went dark, redemptive black.
Jane slept a whole day. The sleep was not relaxing, not at all. She tossed and turned. She cried and screamed. She whimpered and sopped. Her mother never left her side. She never thought Jane could ever be that broken, that destroyed.
It was scaring the hell out of her. She simply didn't know what else to do than caressing the hand of her daughter and whisper soothing words.
Jane was always so strong. She never showed any sign of vulnerability. She wasn't cold or heartless. She just was convinced; to reach whatever she wanted to reach in her career would only be possible without showing feelings.
Angela Rizzoli can only assume how overwhelming the pain must be for Jane. She finally accepted her feelings for a man and started living those feelings - now this very man was dead.
By the time Jane woke up it was bright outside. She slowly discovered she was home. In her bed. At her side she could make out the silhouette of her mother. Jane's deep brown eyes became instantly soft by the vision of her.
"Mom?" Jane tried to sit up, but Angela was resting with her upper body over Jane's hips. "Mom?"
Slowly Angela was lifting her body by the calling of her daughter.
"Jane! How are you?" Angela woke up instantly when she realized that Jane was speaking.
"I…" Jane couldn't answer this question. She felt empty, alone. She couldn't even cry anymore. There was nothing left in her. Angela stood up to hug Jane. She caressed Jane's hair and started whispering.
"You know, when my father, your grandfather died, I was devastated. The thought of never seeing him again was unbearable. I believed, there was no life anymore.
But I kept going. Kept breathing. And life became somewhat stable again. It started to make sense again. Please, Jane don't give up! Take your time for grieving, but don't give up life!" Angela was holding Jane in her arms while stroking her head.
"Mom? Can you please leave me alone?" Jane didn't mean to hurt her mom, but she wasn't interested in any stories about anyone dying. She just wanted to be alone.
Angela stood up with sorrow in her eyes.
"I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything Jane!"
Jane was looking away. She couldn't bear the sorrowful, pathetic look in her mother's eyes. Dammit, her mother was giving her a bad feeling because she was hurting like hell and didn't want to talk about it. No one could take the burden off of her shoulders. She just turned and slipped into another restless, tormented sleep.
The death of FBI agent Gabriel Dean was declared as "Death in the line of duty". The memorial service took place one week later. Jane hadn't been able to attend the ceremony. Everything was too much for her. She was barely alive but felt very dead.
After one month of grieving and suffering Jane finally thought about what she could do now. All she came up with was what she couldn't do. I can't go back to work. I can't stay in Boston. I can't live like that anymore. The more she thought about it the more prominent it became. And finally she came up with a plan.
She told her family that in order to find inner peace she had to change the scenery. Jane decided to fly to Italy. After all, she had family there. Different city, different country, different continent. She ignored the fact that she was running away. And she ignored everyone who was telling her, that she was running away.
On the day of her flight to Rome she went to the graveyard. She knew where she had to look for Gabriel. She slowly walked over to the grave. She was inhaling fresh air, which felt like venom in her lungs. Like poison to her heart. When she reached the tomb, she crouched and started picking up leaves, which got stuck in the flowers. She read all the condolence sayings and lighted the candles again. And then she just stared at the gravestone. Slightly rocking her to comfort. Eventually she cleared her throat and started speaking.
"Hey… I know you would be disappointed if you had known the state in which I've been lately. And I am…" Jane sighed, searching for words.
"I am so full of sadness and so empty of everything else. … I'm the reason you got shot. If you hadn't been distracted to hear what I wanted to tell you would have seen the weapon. And the worst, I didn't want to tell you what you wanted to hear. I'm the worst person on this fucking planet. I know… But you know what? I learned something about me. I'll never ever let anyone come that close without knowing what I want. I know it's too late for you and I'm so so sorry… I'm leaving the country tonight. I'm going to Italy. I need space, because I'm feeling so cramped and crippled here. I don't know if I come back.
But I will always keep thinking of you as the only man who ever loved me for what I am without trying to change me… Thank you!" Jane kept crouched and played a bit with a strap on one wreath. Finally she got up, kissed her fingertips and put her hand on the stone. "Bye!"
Jane left her hometown and her country without feeling anything but worry and guilt.
But now she felt significantly better. Her cousin had been so kind to Jane. She was living in a guest room above the family restaurant. No one told her to help, but Jane found it really stimulating to support her family. To help other's helped her to accept what she had done. Maybe she could make up for all her mistakes.
She didn't need to think about anything. She just did, what the customers told her to do. Bring food, bring drinks, bring invoice… no need to use that brain of hers. She just shut it down and along with that she ignored her feelings. It worked well for her and her cousin was glad to have some help, as she also was a mother of three kids.
Today had been a good day. Nothing special happened, but Jane found it easier to breathe nonetheless. Maybe life wasn't such a bitch after all. The memory of Gabriel was still very vital, but Jane stopped blaming her for everything. She can't change what happened to him, but she can change what will happen to her. And with that new attitude Jane started to try living again.
I'm obviously planning on writing more then one chapter. I was wondering if you are interested in that kind of story at all. And by the way: I don't hate Agent Dean! ;)