Search for the answers I knew all along
I lost myself, we all fall down
Never the wiser of what I've become
Alone I stand a broken man

"Without You" by Breaking Benjamin

Fade away to the wicked world we left
And I become the dark of you
Say a prayer for the wounded heart within
As I become the dark of you
Let go (save this selfish world)

"The Dark of You" by Breaking Benjamin

Gravel crunched under their feet as they walked, kicking up dust, but otherwise nobody had made a sound. Quistis's SeeD unit had made their way towards Timber from Winhill on foot, and it was a long fucking walk. Not that Seifer minded…but his wandering thoughts wouldn't shut the fuck up.

Things were fucking strange. He'd never felt like this before. Not out here. He was fuckin' jumpy. Why? He'd dealt with this crap before. He'd dealt with the Princess's cronies. Her monsters. He was never followed, and he made damn sure to cover his tracks. He was a goddamn professional out here. They all were. They were SeeDs. They were ten times better than that fucking Princess in terms of combat and stealth. Nothing ever scared him, really. He'd been to hell and back so it's not like this shit was anything new.

…Then why the fuck was he so anxious?

He glanced over towards his left, towards the front of the squadron. He could barely see a tall, leggy blonde, who pointing and directing orders to a subordinate.

That was why.

Weak. You're weak, Almasy.

Quistis could handle herself. She'd survived one Sorceress War, just like him. She'd faced off with Ultimecia, just like him. She came out okay. Just like him.

He glanced around.

You nervous fucking pussy. Nothing's out there.

He grit his teeth and forced himself to stare straight ahead, against the grey horizon. They set out from Winhill that morning, and it was almost like he couldn't get her smell off him. The way she tasted. The way she felt. He couldn't stop thinking about her lips, her body… Hyne, he hadn't had a woman in years and then she came along. For some fucking reason, he couldn't get her out from under his skin. Even worse, she was the Balamb SeeD Commander, which meant she had a huge target on her back. He was afraid that something would come out of nowhere and kill her.

...So what? It's not like he was in love with her.

He almost snorted. It had been a long time since he'd thought about anyone besides himself.

That's what scared him the most.

He'd always been careful. Practical. Never get into scraps you can't get out of. Avoid detection. Stay alive. Don't rush into a steaming pile of shit just to help others.

Everything changed, though, the moment she walked back into his life.

It pissed him off.

He hadn't exactly been living a wonderful life vacationing at a four-star hotel, but shit. If he ran into a pissed off monster and died, so the fuck what? He didn't necessarily have to worry about anything. It's not like he had anything to live for. But now…

Shut up. Shut the fuck up, Almasy.

"At least it's quiet, ya know?" a deep, familiar voice murmured. "These are the days we can appreciate. Uneventful and easy, ya know?"

"BORING," groaned the other voice.

Seifer grinned and let out a short chuckle. Regardless of his internal struggles, at least he had his posse back. The day after he and Quistis arrived at Winhill, he was found by Fujin and Raijin and they damn near tackled him and embraced in a group hug like a bunch of kids. Fujin even almost looked like she was about to cry when Raijin teased her about it and promptly earned a swift kick to the shin. Seifer was silently accompanying Quistis as she rallied the platoon to load up and head out when they all suddenly reunited, so she smiled and waved and walked away to check in on the other cadets to give him some time with his friends. Still reeling from the mind-blowing revelatory sex they'd had in the shower (and a few more times after that), Seifer was grateful for the space but suddenly being devoid of her company left him agitated and unusually hollow.

Before Winhill – before Quistis – Seifer saw Fuu and Rai every now and then and they tried to keep in touch with him, but in the end, he was trying to avoid them as well. The less they hung out with a war criminal the better, in his mind. They had lives. They both had a future. Seifer had nothing, and he had intended to keep it that way. Fujin and Raijin, however, never let him go and always managed to find him. Apparently Quistis never let him go, either, and they both helped her find him. Reluctantly, begrudgingly, and secretly…he was glad.

When it was time to leave Winhill, they fell into formation with Quistis leading the front. Fujin and Raijin were practically her second-in-commands, but they hung back to bark orders at the stragglers and keep watch over the group, so Seifer went with them. He didn't think he'd be welcome at the front of the line, and he wanted to stay with his friends, but…

He glanced back over to Quistis's direction and swallowed.

Fuck me.

Crazy. He was slowly going crazy. Well…for the last eight years nothing had really been back to normal, but now it was official. He was losing his goddamn mind.

He hated feeling like this.

"Go over to her and talk," Raijin encouraged him. "It's ok."

Hyne. Could he be any more fucking pathetic?

Seifer swiftly shot him a hard glare. "Mind your own damn business. It's fine."

"Your're makin' us nervous, ya know? She's surrounded by SeeDs but your head is still on a swivel, man. We get it. You'll feel better when you're closer to her."

Seifer set his jaw. "Nah."

Raijin glanced at him. "Seifer - "

"Don't," Seifer interrupted tersely.

Fujin let out a sharp sigh.

It was his turn to glare at her. "Fuck, Fuu. Not you, too."

"POSSE," Fujin reminded him angrily.

"Seifer, it's because we care, ya know - "

"Drop it," he snapped.

There was a long, tense pause.

Seifer glared ahead. "It doesn't matter," he relented bitterly, breaking the silence. He cocked his head towards two SeeDs, flanking Quisits on each side, seemingly guarding her. "They won't let me anywhere near their Commander."

"EXCUSE," Fujin glared at Seifer with her good eye.

Seifer scowled. He was about to retort something smart when Raijin interrupted him.

"It's not their call," Raijin shrugged. "Screw 'em. Who cares what they think? Quistis would want you with her. She made this trip for you, ya know?"

"Who are those SeeD rookies, anyway?" Seifer asked, ignoring Raijin's comment. "They look like they're half our age. Are they even fully trained?"

"Seventeen or eighteen, prolly," Raijin sighed. "About as old as we were when we fought the Second War. They were junior classmen then. But yeah, they're all trained. Some are originals from Balamb. Some are from Galbadia. But we're pretty spread thin, so she took volunteers…left most of the veterans back at Timber and FH to hold the road, ya know?"

Fuck me. We're getting old. And we're not even 30.

There was another long stretch of silence before Seifer spoke. "Did you guys really volunteer to hunt me down?"

"Not to hunt you down, Seifer. It wasn't like that, ya know? Fujin and I had a platoon out near Winhill anyway, trying to evacuate any townsfolk left behind, help the Galbadian army, and recruit anyone willing to fight. Quistis was based in FH, and she showed up with only about eight or nine volunteers. We rendezvoused in Winhill, ya know? That's when she said she'd been looking for you. So, this battalion is actually ours. We're all headin' back together. Nobody knew about her mission except for her squad and us."

Seifer still couldn't quite reconcile the fact that she'd risked her life, and technically the lives of others, just to find him. Especially after all he'd done. And then…she came to him…that night…

Neither one of them slept that night, after the cold shower in Winhill. But that night wasn't like any of the other nights; he wasn't restless, or uneasy, or uncomfortable, or hungry, or plagued by neverending nightmares and flashbacks. He had Quistis in his arms and he didn't want to let her go. Sleeping meant lost time. There was no telling how much they had left, and when she finally proved her feelings to him, when she opened up and made herself vulnerable to him, he decided to loosen his white-knuckle grip on whatever remaining hardened sanity he had left and exposed himself to her, too. Consequences be god-damned.

It was like a piece of him, lost and forgotten and almost unrecognizable because it was gone for so long, had finally returned.

Now that it was back, he didn't quite know what to do with it, but he didn't ever want to fucking lose it again. Not ever. Because if it was ripped from him again, the very last shreds of his humanity would disintegrate, and he would actually become the monster everyone claimed he was.

He glanced over at Quistis, his jaw working.

It fucking terrified him.

The grey sky suddenly rumbled and everyone looked up.

"Great," Raijin grumbled. "I hate the rain, ya know?"

The weather was unpredictable, especially when they got closer to the coast, and it looked like a storm was developing quickly.

There was a shout up front and the SeeDs started to disband and form a perimeter.

Seifer looked around. "What's going on? Is she stopping?"

"MAKE CAMP," Fujin nodded.

"We'd be worse off if we all got wet and had to walk in the mud, so we're going to rest here, looks like," Raijin agreed. "You need help with your stuff?"

"I may have been gone for eight years but I still remember how to pitch a tent, Rai," Seifer glared at him.

Fujin snickered. "GOT THAT RIGHT."

Seifer shot her a dark scowl, but after hearing Raijin's barking laughter, he grinned and looked down. "I guess I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did!" Raijin swung his pack down and started pulling his gear out. "Ahh, I haven't laughed like that in a while."

"It's because you still have the sense of humor of a toddler," Seifer pointed out.

"Whatever. It's good to have you back, man."

Seifer put his hands on his hips and looked at his posse. As they worked to set up their stations, Fujin was still smiling and Raijin was still letting out little bouts of chuckles. He shook his head and let out a resigned sigh. "Yeah. I guess it's good to be back."

"Hurry and, uh, pitch your tent, man," Raijin giggled. "It's gonna downpour any minute."

"Ugh, shut up, Rai. It was only funny for five seconds."

"Just sayin'. The gear was given to us by Esthar," Raijin added, "So it's a snap to put together. Thing almost sets itself up. Pretty neat technology, ya know?"

Seifer watched Raijin and Fujin drop their gear bags and set their tents up, and he did the same. He took out a thin, rectangular box out of his gear bag and opened it. Inside was an army-green sheet that was almost skeletonized to hold a specific position when arranged correctly.

"Is this it?"

Fujin nodded. "YES."

"Are you sure? There's nothing to it."

"Featherweight, man," Raijin grinned. "Press that button there."

Seifer unfolded the sheet and looked around until he found a tiny blue button sewn into it. He pressed it and stepped back. After a few beeps, the tent popped open and arranged itself.

"Toldja," Raijin said. "Stake it down, done and done. Efficient."

Seifer let out a grunt and looked around. Sandy-brown tents were starting to appear and line up in neat formation as the SeeDs got situated. Other SeeDs started to form a perimeter and guard the camp, already starting their shifts.

"How come our tents are green?" Seifer asked. "All the rest are brown."

"COMMANDING OFFICERS," Fujin replied.

"It's easier to locate who's who, and we're all still pretty much camoflauged," Raijin added.

Seifer blinked. "Did I get this one by accident?"

Raijin gave Seifer a look. "What do you think?"

Seifer set his jaw and looked around. Quistis. She was nowhere to be seen, and with rain coming, it'd be flat-out stupid to try to track her down now.

"I think you've more than earned it, ya know?"

"Yeah, yeah. Let me know if shit starts to hit the fan, otherwise I'm going to sleep."

Once he was inside, he looked around the tent, which was just his height, and pursed his lips.

Hm. Nice.

He almost scoffed.

Nice of fucking Esthar to contribute, at long last. Tents and provisions, but no soldiers? Un-fucking-believable. Assholes.

He kicked off his boots and shrugged out of his shirt. As he was unbuckling his pants, the rain suddenly came down in a loud roar on top of the tent, muffling out any other sounds in the area, and he was grateful he managed to get inside just in time. He wasn't in the mood to deal with wet clothes. Quistis had made the right call. He wondered, amongst this giant clusterfuck of tents, where hers was even located.

Inside his provided gear bag were a small electronic lantern, extra clothing, a sleeping bag, bottled water, freeze-dried food, and a blanket.

He decided to forgo the food and unzipped the sleeping bag, splayed it open, and laid down on top with his arms behind his head.

The sound of the rain was actually soothing, and Seifer was grateful for something to drown his own thoughts out of his head. He'd done plenty of thinking all day long, and he was tired of it. He doubted he could sleep, but the dull roar of the storm slowly lulled him into drowsiness, so he hadn't even noticed the splash of puddles made by soggy footsteps growing closer.

The flap to his tent suddenly opened and closed with a soft magnetic snap.

He'd propped himself up on his elbows, ready to growl out 'wrong tent' to a stupid lost cadet, but instead stared up at Quistis in surprise. She was dripping wet.

They watched each other for a minute.

For the second time that week, she came to him, cold and wet. Seifer looked her up and down and his breathing automatically quickened; her wet hair had weighed down her clip and it had started to loosen and fall down. Her wet clothes clung to her skin; he could see the budding hardness of her nipples through the black zip-up sweat-wicking sport jacket she was wearing, which was zipped halfway down already to reveal goosebumps and water droplets along the rise of her breasts under her black sports bra. She was breathing fast. Annoyed with the tug of her hair clip, she pulled it out and tossed it aside, then wrung the water out of her hair. The wet strands fell over her shoulder, trailing down to her cleavage. She looked down at him.

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

For some reason, his voice temporarily stopped working so he simply nodded.

She pulled her boots off and left them near the front of the tent, then she removed her wet clothing down to her bra and underwear, walked over to him, and knelt down.

He rose up to sitting position, looked her up and down, then cupped her jaw fiercely and kissed her cold lips. The kiss immediately turned desperate and she yanked off his boxer briefs, wrapped her arms around his neck, and lifted a leg to move into his lap, but he stopped her. "Wait. These are still wet. Take 'em off."

Breathing hard, Quistis obliged, slipping out of her bra and underwear silently, her eyes never leaving his.

He wrapped his arms around her and their bodies met again, hers cold and his hot, and the temperature shock made them both gasp into each other's lips. He pulled her into his lap and she straddled him, lowering herself, allowing him in, and they moved together intently, holding on tightly. He pushed her back and grabbed at a breast, and with a whimper, she arched her back and squeezed him with her thighs, riding him hard, allowing him to drive into her. With a groan, he sat forward, buried his face in her chest, and ran his palms up her back and gripped her shoulders, pulling her down harder, but no good, this was no good, he wanted to see her, he wanted to see her face, wanted to take her in completely…

Quistis breathed his name and clutched at him desperately, and he pitched forward so she was on her back. She kissed him hard and nipped his lip and he responded by dipping his head and using his tongue and teeth on a nipple, causing her to suck in a sharp breath and release a moan. He rose up on his knees and pulled her hips into him, thrusting harder, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, biting her lip and making a face of both pain and pleasure. The rain drowned out her moans, which were getting louder, and her gasps came faster, her body arched higher. Almost, almost, towards the pinnacle, she looked at him and squeezed her breast, touching herself, and he lost all control, driving into her, pouring all his emotions and fears and haunting thoughts out with a growl. As she tightened and bucked and came around him, he lowered his body onto hers so she could feel more pressure, and he silenced her cries into his mouth as he kissed her desperately, going as deep as he could possibly go, losing himself inside her.

Hyne. She was like the first time, every time. He thought the shower was mind-blowing – and it was – but this…this was…

She didn't care where she was, or who she was, or who could see, or hear…all she cared about was…

He held her tighter. He didn't deserve this, but he wasn't about to fucking look a gift horse in the mouth, either.

It was like before. She laid down next to him and faced him, wrapped her arms around him, looked up into his eyes and kissed him slowly. She stayed, and he held her tight, not wanting to let go, not wanting to sleep, because sleep meant losing time spent together. They didn't have to say anything to each other; they just knew. But the combination of her scent, her warm body next to his, her eyes, her lips, the sound of the rain, and her soft voice in his ear was an inevitable sedative, and he was finally able to relax enough to fall into a calming sleep.