Chapter 16

Wednesday

1:25 p.m.

The phone was in the center of the kitchen table. Olivia sat, slumped in her chair, arms folded, her eyes glazing over, off into space, staring at nothing in particular, as Cragen continued to talk.

She had come home, changed into faded jeans and a blue and white striped cotton button-down, her feet bare, and talked with Antonia for a few minutes before Cragen had called. And although he was being more than supportive and encouraging of what had happened, the brunette was kicking herself about what took place at Camila's house.

"That could have gone terribly wrong," he said firmly.

Olivia smiled, eyes still unfocused. "That did go terribly wrong, Captain." Olivia brought her left hand to her mouth and squeezed her lower lip between her thumb and forefinger, narrowing her eyes. "I should have fought her off…" her voice faded.

"You have to see the big picture, Detective. Knowing what you know about the woman, think about what would have happened, had you pushed her away or shut her down." Fin's voice now.

Olivia snapped back into the present, her eyes focusing on the iPhone's glossy screen. "She would have been upset, rejected…" she said softly.

"Right. She would have been angry and it would have gone one of two ways…she could have gotten even more aggressive with you, or she could have told you to leave and never want to see you again…right?" Cragen asked.

Olivia looked at Antonia and swallowed. "You're right."

"Either way would have been bad for the case."

"I just thank you, Captain, and Agent Berlusconi for your quick response," Olivia smiled. "Ten more seconds and she would have been on top of me…" Olivia's eyes glazed over again, thinking of this fact. She brought her lips inward and thought of how she was going to tell her wife because, the fact of the matter was, she was absolutely going to tell her.

"But she didn't make it that far. And that's why you were wired, Olivia. For instances like that." Cragen's voice was firm, matter of fact.

Olivia nodded. "You're right."

"But…" Cragen continued, "…from now on, you should not be alone with Camila Benetti. Under any circumstances. For all intents and purposes and outward appearances, your marriage to Antonia is a happy one. You two are very much in love and your marriage has no problems except for your trouble becoming pregnant."

"Olivia nodded slowly. "Got it."

"if Camila sees that she doesn't fit in anywhere, that she can't slip into a crack and break it open, then she'll stand down, but she'll keep you, Olivia, at an arm's length, just in case things ever fall apart with Antonia."

Olivia listened to what her Captain was saying. It made sense. If she showed that she was happy in her marriage and all was good, then Camila would remain interested but know that her aggressive sexual advances would be moot for the time being.

"So, I need to tell her, next time I see her—"

"At your party on Friday," Cragen interrupted.

"Yeah, at the party…that while I think she's attractive and I am intrigued by her, I'm very happy with Tony…and very much in love." Olivia looked at the younger woman.

"And you have to make it seem that way, Detective," Cragen added.

Olivia knew that she would have to be more affectionate in the future in public with Antonia. It was an absolute must in this situation. If she didn't, Camila would continue to make advances on her and push this illusive friend Kaia on her, as well.

"OK," Cragen started, "…are we clear that Olivia is not to be alone for any reason with Camila Benetti?"

"Yes, sir," Antonia answered. "Understood."

"Absolutely," Olivia said softly.

"And Fin will be watching everything on Friday, and the house is wired, so we're good there…" Cragen continued.

"Sounds good," Olivia sat up now, tucking her left foot beneath her right hamstring on the chair, her elbows on the table, steepling her forefingers beneath her nose, eyeing the phone.

"Show interest in this Kaia, but, once again, make it clear that you and Tony are in a good marriage."

Olivia nodded, looking at her partner once more. "OK, Captain."

"And Olivia…Antonia…"

The ladies waited, looking at each other.

"Excellent job today…at Camila's, Liv, and Tony with the panicking on the phone…"

Antonia smiled at the older detective. "I guess that one semester of drama class in high school paid off."

"I guess it did," Cragen agreed. "OK, we'll call tomorrow with all the details of the party so you'll be prepared."

"Sounds good." Olivia nodded, leaning back and folding her arms once more.

"Talk then…"

Olivia leaned forward and disconnected the call before sitting back once more, her vision becoming blurry as she stared into space, thinking.

"Olivia?" Antonia questioned.

Olivia took a deep breath and let it out slowly before looking at her partner.

"You did the right thing…" Antonia's face was empathetic. "Cragen's right…if you would have pushed her away…"

"I know, Tony. I just…" She brought her lips inward. "I've gone undercover before…a few times…some on my own, some with my former partner…so I know how it works…but I was never married before." She looked at the brown-eyed woman.

Tony only nodded, her expression still understanding.

"So, it makes it much harder to have to do this…"

There, she said it.

She said it to Tony.

She said it to herself.

She said it to anyone and everyone listening.

As good as a detective she knew she was at her job, she had just made it crystal clear to anyone listening and involved that she was struggling internally.

"I get it," Tony said softly. "And I'm not here to make anything uncomfortable for you, Olivia. But I'm here to do a job to the best of my abilities. And I think you know that by now."

Olivia nodded, studying the younger woman. "Yeah, I do know that, Tony." She smiled.

Tony offered a sincere grin. "And it doesn't hurt that we're both pretty f-ing hot…"

Olivia couldn't help but chuckle. "Never does…" Olivia felt her face become serious now. "And thank you, again…for the call. It really saved me."

"Thank your Captain, Olivia," she smiled.

"And your acting. I actually believed there was a hair clog in the toilet for a few minutes until I came back and you were casually making a cup of coffee, a book in your hand, reading, when I walked in."

"Speaking of…" Tony stood now, "…coffee's sitting over there…a cup for you, too. Would you like it?"

"After that mojito?" Olivia stood, raising her eyebrows. "I think I need it…" she smiled and followed Antonia into the kitchen.

They creamed and sweetened their coffee, stirring in a peaceful silence.

Olivia took the spoon from her cup and held the coffee in the air. "To great work today…"

Antonia raised her own mug, "And even better work to come…"

They clinked cups and sipped, eyeing each other over the rim, Olivia knowing what she needed to do, in more ways than one, now more than ever.

4:13 p.m.

Olivia's feet pumped forcefully against the belt of the treadmill, a dripping layer of perspiration covering her entire body. She had been at it, full speed, for about twenty-five minutes after building up from a five-minute, walking warm up.

Her black sports bra was soaked, her ponytail and black wind shorts, as well. She could even feel that her socks inside of her black Nikes had become damp from her intense workout, as well.

Her breathing was heavy, and with every increase in speed, it was becoming labored, as well.

She was pushing herself harder than she had in a long time.

She just couldn't seem to shake the anxious feeling that seemed to envelop her, now more than ever.

The kiss had been forceful, tasteless, almost relentless.

The grip on her breast wasn't seductive, by any means. It was possessive, harsh, domineering.

The entire visit to the older woman's house had left the brunette feeling dirty, used.

She hadn't felt that way in a while.

Not since her sexual assault at Sealview.

Not since Uncle Don had sexually harassed her.

Not since Elliot had forcibly kissed her at her bachelorette party.

She felt tears forming in her eyes now as her feet pounded against the belt, reaching forward, and upping the speed momentarily, feeling her lungs burning inside her chest, as the moisture began impeding her vision.

She swiped at a falling tear, continuing to sprint, her breathing erratic, heavy bursts escaping her mouth in quick, uneven pants.

And then it came. The foreign sounds. The whimpers that came from her mouth weren't even regulated. She began to sob now, whining escaping her vocal cords, crying as she soon became oxygen deficient from the effort of her body trying to accomplish both tasks.

She jumped up now, placing both feet on the side rails, the belt still whirring by beneath her, heavy drops of sweat dripping in wide, patterned plunks below her, and she rested her forehead on her forearms, panting and sobbing.

What the hell was wrong with her?

She had gotten past all of that.

She should be lucky to be able to come to a house like this, wear clothing like this, and live like this all for the sake of an undercover operation.

Then why did she feel so broken? So hopeless?

The downtime was what was getting her, she knew.

The time that she wasn't doing anything to progress the case but was just soaking up the sun or reading or passing the time just waiting was the part that she wasn't handling well.

This was time she could be with her wife, with her family, with her precious babies, watching them grow and learn and talk and live.

Head still resting on her forearms, she blindly pulled the magnet from the treadmill to stop it automatically, and let it hang by the string that was attached, listening as the machine began to slow, and then slow even more until it stopped altogether.

She continued standing there, her feet apart, hunched over, panting.

"Olivia?" Tony's voice now.

Olivia stood erect and wiped her cheeks quickly, placing her hands on her hips and closing her eyes, face lifted to the ceiling, still trying to regulate her breathing.

"Yeah?" she answered, her eyes still closed.

"I heard you…crying…are you OK?"

Olivia opened her eyes now to find Tony standing in the doorway, navy and white tie-dyed jogging set on, her hair in a topknot.

Olivia tried to take a deep breath, her heart still racing out of her chest, but it came out as a half breath and she began taking deeper and deeper breaths to try and catch it. Tony came closer, her expression concerned.

"I'm…OK…" Olivia panted. "Just…" She placed her feet on the now-still belt and stepped back, bending forward, hands holding her ankles, trying to regain her breathing, "…I can't…"

She felt Antonia closer now. "Here…"

Olivia stood up now and looked to find Antonia holding her bottle out to her. The brunette smiled, her breathing still harsh but now finally beginning to slow, and took her own black, reusable water bottle. "Thanks…" she exhaled and lifted the straw before bringing it to her mouth and beginning to swig in gulps, breathing through her nose.

"Mmmm," she moaned, drinking most of the contents, "…thanks…" she huffed, placing it into the water holder on the treadmill and closing her eyes again.

"You did the right thing, Olivia…with Camila…"

Olivia opened her eyes, her breathing normalizing. "I know…it just…feels wrong…"

Antonia nodded. "I know it does…"

Olivia nodded and took a deep breath, finally feeling her breaths becoming steady once more.

"Hey…I have some chicken and vegetables to grill…wanna grill and have dinner and then watch the Bachelorette? You said your wife hates the show but I, personally, love it…" Antonia smiled.

Olivia couldn't help but grin back. "Alex hates it with a passion, but yeah…I love it, too."

"Wanna grill and eat and then make fun of all the guys that are vying for her affection?" Tony raised her eyebrows, smiling.

"Absolutely, Tony. Sounds like a plan." She winked. "Let me just shower and we can do that."

Tony stepped slightly closer. "You OK now?"

Olivia nodded, taking in one more large inhale of air, and letting it out. "Yeah. Thank you…"

"You got it, Olivia. See you in a little while?"

"Sounds like fun." Olivia smiled and watched as the younger woman left the room.

6:47 p.m.

Alex heard her phone chime from the bedside table behind her. She finished toweling Theo's head and removed the fluffy softness from his face and he was smiling, playing with a plastic fish that he had brought from the bathtub.

She leaned backward and reached for the phone, letting her upper body fall back onto the pillows at the head of the bed before answering, seeing that it was her wife, she slid to answer. "Old Mother Hubbard speaking…" she smiled, watching Theo sitting now, bouncing the fish on the mattress and through the air, as though it was flying.

She could hear Olivia giggling on the other end. "Old Mother Hubbard, Al?"

Alex smiled. "And who was Old Mother Hubbard? A woman with so many children…" Alex watched Grace crawl toward her now, Isabel trying to move toward Theo.

"That she didn't know what to do…" Olivia finished for her. "I think that's the wrong nursery rhyme, Babe. That's 'there was an old lady...'...how are you, Babe?"

"Dat, no knop, knop," Isabel said certainly.

"It's a fish!" Theo beamed.

"Well...I think you're right, Liv. I guess I need to brush up on my nursery rhymes, then." Alex inhaled then exhaled, handing a plastic starfish to Isabel to distract her from Theo's fish. "The kids are all out of the bath, my mother is bringing up their pajamas from the dryer upstairs…they're all sitting here, naked…I'm hoping no one pees…"

Olivia chuckled again. "Is Theo still doing well with his only-wearing-training-pants-at-night thing?"

"Yeah…so far…no accidents…but my mother was just saying today that the twins should start potty-training."

"And what did you say, Al?" Olivia asked.

"I told her I wanted to wait until you come back…so we can do it together, like we did with Theo…" Alex watched her mother enter now, a pile of soft pastel clothing in her hands. She sat up now, ready to help her mother dress the kids.

"It shouldn't be long, Babe…" Olivia said softly.

"So, things are good?"

A hesitance now on the other end.

"Liv?" Alex asked, just short of putting a diaper on Grace, watching as her mother placed one on Isabel.

"I'm here…yeah, it's going…"

"You don't sound as confident as you did last time we spoke Babe…" Alex looked at her mother who was dressing Grace in a pink onesie, but very obviously listening to the conversation by the way those blue eyes intermittently flashed to her as she dressed her brown-eyed granddaughter.

"I'm confident, Al…it's just…I miss you, Al…that's all. I just wish I was there."

"And you will be, right, Olivia? You told me ten days and it's been three, so…"

"I'm hoping that's the case, Al. I really am hoping and trying to get this done."

Alex furrowed her brow now. She could hear her wife becoming emotional, the doubt creeping into her normally confident voice, and this scared the blonde.

"Liv?"

"Yeah, Al…" she said softly.

"You need to do what you need to do and get home. That's all there is to it…"

"I want to tell you what happened…"

Alex swallowed, pausing from placing the lavender onesie on their blue-eyed daughter. She knew what Olivia was going to say. She was going to tell her something that happened. Something that she felt guilty about. Something that she knew that Alex wouldn't like. But what good would it do? Olivia couldn't go through this entire operation and constantly be calling her to tell her when this happened or that happened. It was unreasonable to ask of her.

And so, Alex made the decision, right then and there, to ease her wife's mind. "Just a second, Liv…"

"OK," Olivia answered softly.

She finished snapping Isabel's pajamas and then looked at her mother who was putting training bottoms on Theo who was standing on the bed, his pajamas waiting on the bed next to him.

She looked up at her mother. "Mom?"

Cathy nodded at Alex and the blonde removed herself from the bed and stepped out into the hallway, moving into the TV room, an episode of Matlock on, Bill Cabot watching and reading the paper.

He looked up and smiled at her. "Say 'hi' to Olivia," he declared.

"I will, Daddy…" She returned the grin and then moved further down the hallway to the front door that led to the steps. She opened it and closed it behind her before sitting on the top step, placing her feet on the second, and looking to her right and the purples and oranges hovering above the ocean in the near distance.

Alex continued now. "Liv…"

"Yeah?"

Alex took a deep breath and let it out, closing her eyes. "When you come back…"

"Yeah, Babe?"

"You can tell me whatever it is that you feel I need to know."

A silence now on the other end.

"For now…you need to do what you need to do so that you can come home."

Olivia squeaked on the other end and Alex knew she was becoming emotional.

The blonde swallowed, hearing the brunette struggle.

"I know you wanna tell me every little thing that happens…kissing…touching…because that's just your way."

A sniff on the other end now.

"Do you hear me, Olivia?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"There's no need to get upset…you know I don't like it, but what can I do? You're there, doing your job, and I know what it involves to play the part of another woman's wife. I'm not oblivious."

Another sniff on the other end now.

"But I know that you and I are pure magic and always have been and always will be…nothing compares, Babe."

Another sniff.

"Right?"

"Right, Al…"

"And when you come back…" Alex continued.

"Yeah…?"

"I'm gonna be so…" Alex smiled now, "…horny for you…"

Olivia laughed through her tears now. "That's what I like to hear, Al…" she declared softly.

"Well, it's true. We might have to send my parents and Katie and the kids out on some lengthy excursion so we can be alone so I can pounce on you and have my way."

"Sounds like a plan I want to be a part of, Al…"

Alex nodded. "So anything that happens, just know, I'll be ready to listen when this is all over. OK?" Alex raised her eyebrows. "Anything you want to divulge to me. I'll be ready to listen…after…OK?"

"OK, Al…I love you…"

Alex smiled. "I love you more, Babe."

"Never more, Alex…"

A comfortable silence now and Alex stood from the step. "What're you doing tonight, Babe?" She opened the front door and entered, closing it behind her, looking down at her faded jeans and pink I Love New York sweatshirt that belonged to her wife.

"Tony and I are gonna watch The Bachelorette…" Olivia snickered. "Your favorite.

"Oh, Jesus…" Alex moved past the TV room again, seeing her parents and all three children all sitting together on one sofa, before she backtracked and entered the space, "…no thank you…" She smiled.

"What are you watching, Al? Probably not anything much better…"

Alex sat on the other, smaller sofa now, looking at the TV. "Looks like Matlock is ending and a Murder She Wrote is coming on. Double joy."

"Well, enjoy your time, Babe," Olivia said softly.

"And you enjoy that hot mess bachelorette and those other male hot messes," Alex managed with a smile.

"I'll be thinking of you…" Olivia added.

"And I, of you, Liv…"

"Next time we talk, I wanna Facetime with you and the kids. OK?" Olivia enthused.

"Absolutely, Liv."

"Goodnight, Al."

"Goodnight, Liv."

And the call ended. Alex looked over at her three babies and her parents, who were already absorbed in the happenings of a one Jessica Fletcher. Grace was already sleeping against her grandfather. Theo was on his way to slumber, leaning against her mother, and Isabel was looking at her, blonde wispy hair wild around her head.

She smiled at her and knew, in her heart, even though it was difficult, she had just put her wife's mind at ease.

And she was happy with that.

A/N: Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it. Thank you for the reviews. It always makes my day. 😊