She looked forward to Finn's wedding. After the year they've all had, they need a celebration. She thought of Nick, disappointed that he couldn't make the trip for the wedding. She missed him. She understood though, juggling kids when you're a single Dad was tough, even with his Mom's help. Noah surely missed Zara and was hoping Nick would come to the wedding with his best friend in tow. As much as he loved his god sisters Billie and Jessie, Zara was different. Olivia made a note to talk to Nick about meeting halfway and spending some time together.

It was dusk and the celebrations for Finn and Phoebe's non wedding was well and truly on. She couldn't help but notice that Elliot had yet to make an appearance. She wondered if he had changed his mind. She knew that he had just taken Richard Wheatley into custody. She had received a rather panicked call from Elliot that night asking if she and Noah were safe.

"We're fine," she said soothingly in a rather maternal tone that he was still getting used to.

"I just wanted to give you a heads up. I'm sorry Liv, it seems like I came back into your life like a hurricane bringing continuous shit storm,"

"That's poetic Stabler. Don't worry. I'll put someone with Noah and Lucy. He can come straight home and no play dates until we sort this out."

"I already have someone posted outside,"

"Of course you do," she replied dryly as he cringed waiting for her wrath that never came. With Noah, there was no such thing as too much protection and she appreciated that he covered that.

Don walked over to where Olivia leaned against the railing with her back to the ocean. She was watching her team, her friends, her family enjoy being together. How much joy their happiness brought her. How it made her feel content.

"Hey Cap't," he greeted affectionately

"And hey to you Cap't," she replied looping an arm through his as she rested her chin on his shoulder. They turned back to watch the ocean and enjoyed the peacefulness. Don Cragen loved Olivia Benson like a daughter. It didn't take long for him to feel responsible for her more than a captain should of his subordinates. As the only girl in their squad, she was incredibly special and tougher than most that had come and gone in the 1-6. He dropped his lips to her temple,

"You doing okay kid?"

"Like we don't talk at least once a week?" She asked looking up at him with a grin,

"Well rumour has it our boy caught his perp,"

"He has,"

"Richard Wheatley is in a league of his own as a scum bag Liv," Don said softly,

"You all think he'd be gunning for me to get to Elliot. Don, it's been ten years." Olivia stated. She didn't doubt that Richard was taunting Elliot with her, that she appreciated that he wanted to protect her, but at the same time she wondered if they were just paranoid,

"That man loves you,"

"I never said he didn't. I know he cares. Love, yeah sure that too. We were partners for 12 years. But aren't we all just taking this out of proportion. Elliot left ten years ago without so much as a backward glance. I can't have meant that much to him," she replied. She took a deep breath,

"I mean after Lewis Don, that was obvious."

A clearing of throat made her stop still. Without turning around she knew he had just heard what she had said. They haven't talked about him leaving since that night at the hospital. They haven't really talked about the ten years that passed in his absence. They had been so consumed by him and all that he'd been going through that they had tabled any other conversation. A lot of her had forgiven him, if not all of her. However it was hard to forget the heart ache and the heart break that came with his radio silence for ten years. His disappearance. His abandonment of her and their friendship as though it didn't matter at all. Don wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave her a quick squeeze. He dropped another kiss to her temple before leaving them alone. He had given Elliot a pointed look and a pat on the arm as he passed him to join the others.

"Liv,"

"Elliot, let's not. This isn't the time. This is Finn and Phoebe's night. I don't want to ruin it by rehashing the past. I really don't have it in me right now," her eyes pleaded with him. Elliot nodded,

"Okay, but Liv we will talk about this. I know we've tabled it but no more."

"Sure. Let's go join the others," she suggested as he nodded holding his arm out to let her go go first. As she passed him he took her by the arm gently,

"You mean to me more than you think you do. You mean everything to me Liv," he said solemnly holding her gaze. As the doubts flickered behind her eyes he felt his heart constrict, she doubted him and she had every right to. Olivia was tired of the pushing and pulling. The 'you mean everything to me' and the 'I love you' bounced around in her head. How his actions mostly contradicted his words. It was all so exhausting. She merely nodded, he knew it was more to placate him.

"Mommm, can I sleep over Aunt Amanda's?" Noah asked. Olivia ran her fingers through his hair as she looked to see Amanda and Carisi exchange a kiss, knowing the sleepover idea would have been concocted by Billie, Jessie and Noah.

"I tell you what Kid, why don't I take all of you three monkeys with me and Aunt Eileen for a sleepover?" Don intercepted before Olivia could offer to have them all sleep at her place to give Amanda and Sonny time to themselves. Olivia gave him a pointed look as if to tell him she knew what he was doing, and didn't miss the gratefulness in Elliot's face. Clearly he wanted to finish that conversation post wedding,

"Can we Mom?" Noah asked excitedly. He loved Grandpa Don,

"Are you sure?" She asked him to which he nodded.

"It's okay with me, I'll talk to Aunt Amanda." She said buying Amanda some time before the kids decided to bombard her.

"Great! Thanks Mommy."

"Thanks Mama Liv," Billie and Jessie said gratefully hugging her around the waist,

"Let's pretend you don't all have me wrapped around your little fingers," she replied with an eye roll making them all giggle. Don had left with the kids to give Elaine a heads up.

"Will you excuse me?" Liv said as she saw Carisi leave Amanda, she guessed to get them a drink. Elliot nodded,

"I'll get us a drink. I'll meet you at the table?"

"Sounds great. Elliot," she said grabbing his hand,

"I know you care about me. I've always known. I've never questioned it. You just need to give me some time. A lot has happened and there's things I am still working through, but I'm not going anywhere." Elliot held her hand firmly in his and gave us a squeeze,

"I appreciate that," Olivia nodded and headed towards Amanda acutely aware that he had not let go of her hand until she was already out of reach.

"So our children has declared a cousin sleepover. Initially at yours and before I could offer so that you know," Liv said grinning

"Don offered to take all three. So I said I would talk to you first. It's fine with me if it's good with you." Amanda looked at Carisi from where he stood at the bar flashing her a grin.

"Yeah I was honestly about to ask you to take them but I also didn't want to because, well you know," she said her head swayed to Elliot's direction.

"Ha, I would have happily taken them. It's about time you got your happy."

"I appreciate that, but you too Liv."

"It's not like that with us Amanda,"

"Really?" Amanda asked skeptically,

"I've watched him with you and you with him. You both have the ability to center each other. Like the whole world is a better place simply because the other is in the same room."

"Tad dramatic Rollins, not quite. We have a short hand. Yes he cares about me, as I said to Don, love me even. But he has me on some sort of pedestal, an image he has conjured up as who he believes I am. I am not the same person I was ten years ago. His somewhat unrealistic perception of me is a little daunting."

"Liv,"

"It's stupid, but there's a part of me that can't reconcile that he wasn't there when I needed him the most."Olivia confessed,

"Does he even know?"

"I don't know. I can't imagine he knowing and not do anything about it. Let along mention it. But how could you miss it?"

"He has been living in Italy," Amanda reasoned,

"All loved up with his wife in Rome," Olivia replied softly allowing that to sink in.

"Liv, she's gone. Maybe this is your chance."

"Yeah but if she wasn't gone…"

"He would still be loved up in Rome," Amanda finished her sentence.

"Ever since he's arrived it's been a whirlwind and I haven't really had chance to process."

"That's fair, but Liv don't run. Fight it out. You deserve a chance to be happy to and I think if you let him, he can make you happy."

"I'm scared to live in the shadow of the ghost of his perfect wife,"

"Liv, no one is perfect."

"She was to him. He picked her."

"He picked her when he left you," Amanda spoke the thought that she knew haunted Olivia. He didn't just leave her. He ignored her existence for ten years. Amanda took Olivia's hand and squeezed it drawing her out of her thoughts.

"Breathe Liv," Olivia met her gaze and smiled,

"Thank you," she said gratefully. Arm and arm the two friends headed to their table to join Elliot and Carisi.

Olivia wished that Elliot didn't read her as well as she knew he still did. She flashed him a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and he knew that she was raging an internal battle. As dinner festivities began Olivia relaxed trying her best to just live in the moment. She was well aware of Elliot's close proximity beside her. How his arm rested comfortably behind her chair. How his hand would occasionally run their fingers through the soft curls that rested on her shoulder as though he had been doing it all of their lives. It was an odd familiarity seeing as when they were partners they hardly ever touched. When the speeches began the kids began to get bored and tired, Billie was wrapped around Carisi with her head on his shoulder, Jessie was leaning against her Mom on the chair beside her with Amanda's arms wrapped around her whilst Noah was sitting contently on his mother's lap his back resting against his chest. Olivia savoured moments like these as she knew he would soon grow out of these moments. Olivia chin was resting on Noah's head as he played with her hands that were entwined with his. By the time the speeches were down all three kids were fast asleep. When Don had asked Olivia to dance Elliot had offered to take Noah who in the transfer of arms remained asleep,

"You know you're going to have to talk about it." Don said gently interrupting the whirlwind of thoughts in Olivia's head.

"I know. It's just been so long you know? There's things I'd rather forget."

"But until you address the past, you will never be able to move forward in the future, and Liv you have a future together if you want it."

"Some could say it's too late," she countered,

"Since when have you ever been 'some' people? Liv I'm not denying it was a dick move. I know what his disappearance did to you and the demons you slayed in his absence, but I also know without a shadow of doubt that that man loves you more than he ever had the right to. Pushing you away has always been his go to for that reason. Some habits die hard."

Don had lived through the aftermath of Elliot's unannounced departure and he saw first hand how it broke her and if he didn't believe that Elliot didn't love her and vice versa he would have told Elliot to back off. They all would have. For as much anger they had for his leaving and the way he did it, John, Finn and Don were the only ones who truly knew the depth of Benson and Stabler as a unit.

"Just do not talk yourself out of anything because you're scared. Talk to him. Be honest. Allow him to be honest about how he feels."

"And if he leaves again?"

"They'll never be able to find his body," Don replied deadpanned. It took a moment before Olivia burst out laughing,

"You know I'm not kidding." Don assured her,

"I do," dropped his lips to her forehead.

"Eileen and I are going to head off and take the kids home. Pick them up on Sunday."

"Thank you,"

John, Elliot and Carisi carried the sleeping children into Cragen's car whilst Olivia and Amanda took their kids overnight bags out of their car. Always prepared for such moments as their kids were known for imprimatur slumber parties at each other's houses. After kissing their kids goodbye the adults headed back inside to enjoy the rest of the evening. Before Olivia could sit down Elliot took her hand in his,

"Dance with me?" He asked, his eyes boring into hers. Olivia nodded allowing him to lead her to the dance floor. Elliot wrapped an arm around her waist, their entwined hands resting between them on his chest, drawing her close.

"Liv," he said softly locking in her gaze,

"I know that I have never been great at showing you how I feel. Especially when we were partners. I know that leaving the way I did hurt you and you didn't deserve that. That there is no possible explanation that would ever be sufficient for the pain I had inflicted. I need you to know it's not because I didn't care enough. That you didn't matter as much. I knew I couldn't stay. Not after shooting Jenna. That day continues to haunt me. In my head I knew it was a good shot, that I had taken that shot to make sure no one else got hurt, but Liv whilst I was in that, I wasn't thinking with my head. All I saw was Liz." Olivia swallowed. She knew that. Liz was the same age as Jenna when he shot her. She knew it was the images of his daughter in that moment that taunted him.

"I knew then that I was done. I went home and I literally pulled my 16 year old daughter in my arms and held her for hours crying. To her credit, she let me. I told them I was done. I knew that IAB were going to make me relive that moment over and over again to defend my actions but I didn't have it in me. I didn't want to fight for the job anymore because it had already cost me so much."

"Elliot I wasn't mad that you handed your papers in. You earned it. I would never have stopped you. My head understood your reasoning. I knew you better than I knew myself you didn't owe me an explanation. I could handle you walking away from the job but you walked out on me. Our friendship without a word. Without even saying goodbye. You never once bothered to answer my call. A text message. An email. Anything. After 12 years, after everything we've been through. Do you know what that felt like?"

"I do," he said brokenly,

"You may know what it's like to not have me around for 10 years Elliot, and maybe you got a taste of it when I asked for a transfer. But I was just in another floor, and if you remember correctly I came to you in that locker to make sure you were okay and explain. When I was undercover that was out of my control. But to know willingly the person that was my one constant willingly walked away, wrote me out of his life without a backward glance, you have no idea. Up until the day of the bombing you controlled our narrative and let's face it, you still do."

Before he could respond John had cut in asking Liv to dance to which she complied welcoming the break.

"Want me to take him out back and beat the shit out of him?" Olivia smirked,

"You know me better than that. If anyone is going to kick his ass I'd like the pleasure of doing it."

"Let's face it. He'd welcome the bodily harm. It would probably hurt less than the non physical exchange you're having right now."

"If he wants to get through this, he needs to sit through the uncomfortable conversations. I'm not the one who walked away and lived their best life loved up in Rome which I never would have begrudged him."

"Don't kick my ass Liv, but I don't think that was about you. That was all about him,"

"Isn't it always?" She replied,

"You make a good point, but you're not mad about him choosing another life. You're mad at him for not choosing you and not telling you about it. But it's not because he didn't care, it's because he cared too much."

"That makes no sense,"

"If you really think about it, you know it does."

"I hate you," Olivia said with a sigh earning a chuckle from John.

"Yo, my turn." Finn said intercepting.

"Fine, take her. She would have probably beat me up eventually anyway," Munch said dryly dropping a kiss to her cheek before releasing her. Before he could walk away she caught his hand,

"I heard you," she said meaningfully as he nodded satisfied at the acknowledgment.

"You having a good time celebrating your non wedding?" Finn grinned,

"I am actually,"

"Good, you deserve it."

"And you?"

"Yeah, it's nice to have everyone together. The old and the new you know?" Finn nodded,

"Finn, thank you."

"For what?" He asked surprise,

"For always standing by me. When everyone else left, you stayed. I don't think you know what that's meant to me. How much I appreciate that and value your friendship. That I don't take it for granted. You've seen me at my best and lived through my worst. You, Don and Munch have stood by me for 22 years and you have been the pillars for a good portion of ny life and without you guys the last ten years, I wouldn't have survived what I have."

"It's what families are for and that's always gone both ways Liv." Olivia nodded,

"So what round are you guys up to now?" Finn asked as Olivia chuckled,

"I think two and we haven't even scratched the surface,"

"If it's worth anything, he's ready for a fight. He's never going to let you go now or ever again,"

"Then he better be ready to wade through ten years of pent up emotions."

"Liv, we're going to head off. You going to be okay?" Amanda asked as she and Carisi appeared beside Olivia and Finn on the dance floor.

"Of course. You two have a good night. Don said he'll keep the kids until Sunday so enjoy your weekend. We're off the clock this weekend." Carisi leaned over to kiss Olivia's cheek,

"Thanks Boss."

"I'm not your boss anymore Sonny," She replied affectionately as she released Finn momentarily to wrap her arms around Carisi's waist and he hugged her back tightly before releasing her to Amanda,

"Call if you need or want to," Amanda whispered in her hear as she hugged her.

"Absolutely not. I'll pick up the kids, you can grab them when you're ready. And then we can talk."

"Yes Ma'am,"

"But thank you."

Elliot watched them from where he sat and noted the closeness they all shared. They were a family unit. Much like they were when it was just Finn, Munch, Olivia and himself. This wasn't just her team, this was her family. Outside the precinct walls they were confidants. He was glad she had that. She deserved that. Olivia leaned over and whispered something to Finn as he nodded.

"I'm going to walk these guys out," he heard her say after Phoebe had joined them so they could say their goodbyes. After a few minutes when she didn't return he went in search of her. Panic filled him as she was not out front where he expected her to be thinking she too had left. He went back inside and noticed that her coat was still hanging on the back of her chair. Taking her coat headed towards where he was confident he would find her, at the end of the pier with her back to the wedding festivities. Olivia felt his presence before she heard him and wasn't at all surprised that he showed up. He draped her coat around her shoulders and stood close beside her.

"I'm not put trying to punish you because you walked out of my life. So much time has passed and I need you to realise that I'm not the same person you remember me to be. You've got this not entirely realistic perception of me Elliot based on the best memories you can conjure up of our time together. It's a lot to live up to."

"Liv, what happened? Who's Lewis?"