Agnes 24
Author's Note: Thank you for all of your lovely reviews about the twist! I am glad so many people are on board with the road I'm exploring in my little AU universe. Please keep your reviews coming!
RRRRRRRR
Liz Keen knew something was wrong, she knew a lot was wrong, but she knew something specific to her relationship with Ressler was wrong right now, and she needed to find a way to fix it. She lay in bed next to him in the early hours of the morning, her sleep schedule finally on Iceland time, and stared at his chest rising and falling. He had come to bed late two nights in a row, long after she had fallen asleep, and usually was up before she woke. He was avoiding any intimacy of any kind with her, and she was scared about what was going on in his head. She placed her phone under her back and set it to vibrate at 5 am so she wouldn't miss him today.
She knew the moment he woke because she felt the bed vibrate a half hour later, apparently, she wasn't the only one with that trick. His eyes flicked open, and he yawned, he must have been exhausted from only a few hours sleep a night. She watched him carefully lift the duvet so as not to disturb her and start to slide out of their bed.
"Where are you going?" Liz asked him in the darkness of their room.
"Jesus Christ Liz, you scared the shit out of me!" He gasped as he stood.
"Where are you going at 5:30 in the morning, you got an appointment?" Liz asked, her voice tense.
"I just can't sleep," he said. Their room was pitch black, the winter darkness had started it's descent over Iceland and days were shorter and shorter now.
"You seemed to be sleeping just fine, deeply even, until your alarm went off at 5:30am," Liz said in hushed tones, knowing the rest of the house was asleep.
He sighed and she could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.
She sat up and scooted across the bed toward him and sat with her legs dangling on either side of his standing form.
"Talk to me," she said as she reached for his hips and felt him flinch at her touch. She held on regardless and jostled them playful with her hands.
"I'm just not tired," he said and even he knew his lie didn't land from the end of his sentence.
She wished she had turned on a light in that moment, because she felt he couldn't lie as easily to her if he had to look at her.
"You did nothing to me," Liz said clearly.
"You don't know that," he said, his voice caked with sleep and sadness.
"I do," Liz said softly. "I know."
She could hear him swallow.
"Ressler, I know," Liz repeated.
"Well, I don't," he said quietly.
"Why would you say that?" Liz asked, him confused.
"Because you got pregnant, by me," Ressler said.
"Are you…I don't understand your logic here," Liz said, unsure of what he was getting at.
"Liz, do you remember what it was like, in the beginning?" Ressler asked her.
She furrowed her brow and thought back to when they became first involved and smiled as she remembered the intensity of that time in their lives.
"Yeah, why?" Liz asked.
"We were…there was an aggression between us sometimes," Ressler said with difficulty.
She thought back and didn't see aggression, more like incredibly passionate encounters.
"It was passionate, not aggressive…" Liz explained.
"Or aggressive," he said. "Maybe we choose to look at it as passion because of where we are now but…"
"Or maybe you are seeing aggression where there was none because your brain is on overdrive and you are seeing things…"
He huffed.
"I'm being serious here," Liz said a little loudly.
She stood and held onto his hips so he couldn't step away and she started to whisper with an intensity that she was feeling in that moment. He could have moved back, pushed her, or pulled away, but he would never hurt her, so he didn't.
"It was NOT aggressive, at all, Don. It was not intimidating, it was not scary, it was not unwanted, it was not unnerving, it was not uncomfortable. It was two people who had been denying themselves the one person they wanted most and enjoying finally being with that person. I remember passion and kisses and laughter and intensity and butterflies and pleasure and fun and pure joy. I hope that's what you remember as well, because that's what it was. Fucking Joy. Two people experiencing joy from each other. And I don't want this…revelation…to change how I saw it. I hope it doesn't change the way you saw it either."
She leaned forward and kissed him passionately. She could feel him stiffen, try to pull away, and knew if he really wanted to, he would. But he seemed to be at some impasse, trying to make a decision as she kissed him, and then, she felt his lips move and he kissed her back. Not with the intensity that she had, but he was there, participating and being intimate with her for the first time since they learned they had made Agnes. They still didn't know how, but they may get some of those answers today.
He pulled his face back and tried to see her in the darkness, but she was only a shadow.
"But, what if I did?" He asked, his voice cracking.
"You didn't," she said quietly.
"Liz…" He said as he stepped away from her and turned his back to walk in a tight circle while he ran his hand through his hair.
"Okay, I know you didn't," Liz said as she wrapped her arms around him from behind. "I absolutely know that. But, for the sake of argument, let's say you did."
She felt his body shudder and wondered for a moment if he was crying. Then she heard him sniffle and knew he was.
"Don…" she said as she walked under his arm and hugged him their faces so close, she could feel the wetness on his cheek. She shed a few tears as well. "We'll deal with it, together, as a couple. As a family. Our family. You, me, and Agnes. We'll speak with a counselor, and we'll get through this because, no matter what happened in our past that got us here, my future is with you. You. Do you hear me?"
She felt him nod and she wiped at her own eyes.
"I love you," Liz said as she kissed the side of his face. "You, all of you, every inch of you inside and out. You if you did or didn't do something. Because, let's be clear, even if you did, it wasn't you. It wasn't you. It was not you. Do you hear me?" She asked as she grabbed his face in her hands and looked at him in the darkness, cursing the fact that she had not turned on a light.
She felt him reach up and wipe at his eyes.
"So please, for the sake of us, of yourself, of me…for us. Let's not speculate, let's not beat ourselves up, let's not pretend you are interested in that fucking Norwegian Farm Crime series that you stay up until 2 am watching, or that you can't sleep at 5am when you're exhausted. Don't flinch when I reach for you, because you are he man I love. There's only love here Don."
"God, I love you," he said, almost as if he was exhaling the words. "I'm sorry, I…"
"No apologies either, for literally, anything," Liz said as she wiped at his eyes.
He leaned in and softly kissed the side of her face and then pulled back.
"I don't know what we're going to find out today," Liz said as she pulled him back toward their bed forced him to lay down while she climbed in next to him. "But I know if we can get through all that we have these last months, then we can get through this and…"
She shifted and pulled the duvet up to cover them both as she laid with her head on the pillow next to his and looked at him.
"…we haven't even talked about the one amazing thing that has come out of all of this," Liz continued.
He turned his head to look at her and gave her a small smile.
"Agnes," he said.
"You're her dad Ressler," Liz said with a soft smile. "In every single way, and without you there would be no Agnes."
He nodded slightly and closed his eyes.
"We have a little girl together and, once we figure out the 'how' we need to sit down with her and tell her," Liz said as she leaned in and kissed his one closed eyelid. "Because she has the right to know that the dad she's come to love, is also the dad that helped make her."
Don gave her a nod, but still didn't open his eyes.
"Let's get some sleep," Liz said as she cuddled into him. "We've got a long and difficult day ahead of us and being exhausted will only make it worse."
He turned and looked at her and kissed the tip of her nose before he moved a little closer and pulled her in against him. He still didn't feel great about whatever 'how' was hopefully being revealed today, but at least she knew how he felt and he knew how he felt. It was the start to being on the same page together again.
To be continued…