WARNING for my extra sensitive readers: there is a BRIEF moment of intimacy in this chapter between Ana and the idiot that we all hate. It has a purpose, and it is the only such moment they will share. But if it's going to bother you, I suggest you skip it.

Also possible TW: sexual manipulation

Chapter 16

Ana

As we leave Christian behind and walk into my apartment, I feel the air shift. I doubt he notices it. It's probably just a change in me, spurred on by the fact that my evening tanked as soon as the person who's supposed to be my person showed up.

I put my purse down on the table next to the door and a photo that I usually try to ignore catches my eye. Me and Caleb when we were eighteen… we're sitting in the cab of my dad's pickup truck. I'm in his lap, he has his arms wrapped around me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder, and we're laughing. Marty took the picture on one of our camping trips.

"Caleb and Ana," she said, shaking her head. "Like Johnny and June. Never one without the other. You two are just too much." I thought she was right, and that felt incredible. I met the one so young. Most people aren't that lucky.

That full-body ache hits me again, another battering to my soul. It's an image that only lives behind glass now, never seen in real life. Not anymore.

I've put this off for way too long.

"Ana—"

"What the fuck was that?"

He finally looks up, making real eye contact with me for maybe the first time tonight. "What was what?"

"You. Tonight. Showing up talking a big game like you're here for me, then ignoring me the entire time. Like you always do."

"Me? What about you? All this time, you never found a second to mention that you were friends with Christian Grey? I mean, shit, Ana, we could have been living the high life since we came here. You could've—"

"Who are you?" I cut him off. "Who the fuck are you? That's what you care about? His money? I should have contacted him not because I missed him, not because his friendship meant a lot to me, but because then we could have benefitted from his money? Do you even hear yourself? You don't get to twist this around. This is about way more than just tonight. This is about the fact that we've been together for over half a decade and maybe it's time that we face the fact that we have nothing in common anymore."

I must have struck a nerve, because the phone leaves his hand entirely, discarded into his pocket. He looks at me like I'm a cornered animal about to pounce. "Ana. What are you saying? You're sounding so… defeatist. This is us we're talking about. We're so deep in love."

"Then why? Why do I feel so alone?"

"Ana, babe, I'm just busy. You know that. It's not that I don't want to see you, I do. I think about you all the time, even if I'm not with you. You're still number one to me." His face is showing more expression than I've seen from him in a while, looking genuinely distressed.

But it doesn't add up. I shake my head. "No. If you thought about me all the time, you'd talk to me once in a while. It's not just that we don't see each other. You're perfectly comfortable going days without speaking to me. This isn't what I want." I sink down onto my bed, the heaviness and, yes, defeat of the moment suddenly weighing me down like a ton of bricks. "This isn't what I thought life with you would be like. I fell for you because you were the only person who made me feel like I could be totally myself, like I didn't have to pretend. Now I feel alone even when I'm with you. You didn't bat an eye when I told you about my past… and now you make disparaging comments about the 'nuthouse.' Caleb, I just don't know who you are. I hardly recognize you. You're so different."

"Ana," he says, starting to sound panicked. "I'm exactly who you know me to be. I swear. We're just… we're off track. We need to start to focus on each other more. We can fix this. I love you."

"We? This is the first conversation we've had in recent memory that you haven't been staring at your phone. I don't do that to you. I don't understand. If you don't want me anymore, just say that. Stop dragging us both through hell."

"I do want you! Babe, I want you more than anything."

I shrug, looking down at the carpet. "I just don't feel that from you anymore."

"Babe, I promise you, I can do better. The guys are always pressuring me to do more for the band, even when I say I want to spend more time with you, and I let them. If we want to make it big, we have to be on all the time, but if it means losing you, I don't care. I'll cut back. You'll see." He walks up to where I'm sitting and takes my hand, coaxing me to stand up. When I do, he wraps his arms around my waist and lowers his lips to my neck. "Just trust me, Ana. You know you want this. You know we're right together."

"Caleb…"

"I'm still me, Ana. We're still us. Johnny and June, remember?" His gentle whisper is such a contrast to the usual indifference I receive, and it sends a shiver up my spine. Maybe he's right… I don't want to believe this is who he really is. "What do you say we start… reconnecting?"

And then he slips a hand under my skirt. It's been so long since it's been… more than just a fuck and duck. I want so badly to believe that this is just the catalyst we needed to make a new start. Maybe we did just need to talk…

Before I know it, he's kissing me, laying me down, and moving my panties to the side. I close my eyes, feeling him begin to thrust. It'll be okay. It's a new start. He'll change. We'll get better. My mind wanders, trying to ease my adrenaline from the fight, all the things so long unsaid that are now out there. I just want to feel safe to open up… to feel valued, loved, respected, cherished…

He grunts as he begins to build, and I vaguely feel the same sensations. But I'm so in my head. "Oh, that feels so good, Ana," he groans.

I keep my eyes closed… copper hair, gray eyes, that smile that only I get to see… Christian…

Caleb groans in my ear. And suddenly, any arousal I had felt evaporates.

I snap them open, and he's nuzzling my neck. "Love you, babe." He rolls over and hugs one of my pillows to himself. Okay… I guess that's over. At least someone is finished. I wonder if Johnny ever did June like that.

I lay staring at the ceiling, panting as a cold sweat develops over me. Within minutes, he's snoring, and I push myself up out of the bed, shutting the door to the bathroom. I curl up on the floor against the tub. Let's go over the facts, shall we? I just had sex with my boyfriend… unsatisfying, frustrating sex… and in the midst of it, I thought about Christian. My childhood friend. Someone I trust, admire, care deeply about…

Oh, God. What does this mean?

Christian is… everything someone would logically want, if they knew him like I do. He's tenacious, kind, gentle, protective, brilliant, caring… not to mention, beautiful in every way. I'm sure, objectively, he would make a great partner to someone he cared about. He's so dedicated to the dear ones in his life.

Understanding this… I admit, maybe a crush was unavoidable. I never felt like this for him back then, but times have changed. We've changed.

But a crush is harmless. People have them all the time, even people in relationships. It doesn't mean anything has to or ever would change between us. He's still the same to me as a friend, and that will always be enough for me. It would have to be.

It's just an infatuation. It's nothing.

And even if it wasn't… I will never fit into Christian Grey's world. I could never be that to him. So, best not to think on it any further.

I emerge from the bathroom and lay down next to my sleeping boyfriend. I'll give him the chance he asked for. After five relatively happy years, if you average it out, it's the least I can do. Maybe he'll surprise me. And maybe it will keep my mind off of dreams that will never, could never, come true. This is the life that was meant for me. I'd better learn to accept that.

I awake to sun filling up the room, illuminating an empty bed. I sigh into my pillow, hugging it closer to me, as if squeezing it hard enough will keep the loneliness at bay. There's a slip of paper on Caleb's side, so I grab it and squint to read it.

I'm sorry babe, band emergency. I'll call you later. Miss you already and love you forever. x the Johnny to your June

It's a sweet sentiment, but I'm starting to feel like Johnny and June's estate could sue us for defamation. Stop being so negative. He said he'd call. Just wait and see.

I fumble for my phone on the nightstand and upon checking it, I find that I have a late-night text from Christian. And suddenly, last night's revelations come flooding back to me, bringing all of the blood to my cheeks along with it.

I'm thinking about you. Let me know that you're okay.

You see what I mean? My own boyfriend doesn't send me things like that. I'm just missing care and attention in my life, and Christian is a friend that I get that from. He holds my hand half the time we're together, which from the outside, I'm sure makes us look like a couple, and I've been missing small gestures of intimacy like that. He sent me a well thought-out arrangement of flowers, and that kind of attention to detail means a lot to me. So, the lines are a bit blurred. But I know that this is all only indicative of Christian's platonic care for me.

This is a passing… fascination. Maybe not even an infatuation. You thought about him during sex… okay, maybe it is an infatuation. Am I attracted to him? Yes, I am a human. But it's puppy love. Feelings are just like the weather. I've had crushes before, and I've survived every one of them. This one will be no different, and the sooner I let it go, the better. With that in mind, I reply to him.

Sorry, just woke up. I'm okay. Thanks for asking. Hope you have a good weekend!

Please don't respond. I'm thinking inappropriate thoughts about you. When I exit his text chain, I see that a message has just come in from Maya.

Girl. Check your work email!

On a Saturday morning? Did SIP burn to the ground? Is someone dead? Am I fired? Are we all fired? I pull it up and find an early morning email from Mr. Roach. This is highly unusual.

From: Gerald Roach
Subject: Monday – Change of Plans, Please Read!
Date: July 24 2021 07:05
To: Anastasia Steele, Maya Landry

Ana and Maya,

I apologize for this interruption on the weekend, but I've just gotten word from GEH that you two have been selected to attend an innovation conference in New York City with their company next week. I'm told that it will be a very educational experience and it will be a great opportunity to see how SIP can improve its efficiency and sustainability as a business.

Hotel costs and airfare are included, as is breakfast and lunch each day of the conference. Your dinners are the only thing that will be your financial responsibility. The GEH jet departs early on Monday morning – I will need a response confirming your positions as soon as possible. Your prescheduled meetings and obligations will be given to others if you decide to go, so don't worry about playing catch-up when you return.

Best,

Jerry

Gerald Roach
Owner and President, Seattle Independent Publishing

I exit out of the email and reload it, just to make sure this isn't a fantasy, then give my arm a good pinch, just to make sure this isn't a dream. Both tests check out. My heart then leaps into my throat as a text from Christian comes in.

Good morning, Ana. Not to flex my CEO muscle, but I do need a response on whether or not you'll be attending the conference. I assume you've been notified by now. Your presence for your company would be valued and appreciated.

Aren't these conferences planned months in advance? Why is this all so last minute? SIP has been acquired by GEH for over a week. If they wanted to bring along some of our employees, why didn't they make the decision at least during the work week? This is all very strange.

But I've learned that Christian keeps some strange hours. Although, it's doubtful that Christian himself was involved in this decision. I'm sure he has people for that.

Maybe this is just what I need. A little getaway from my personal life, time to focus on work. And I'm sure I won't see Christian very much, if at all. We're not nearly on the same paygrade and I'm sure the activities I'll be getting up at this event won't be at the same level as his. Not that I'm avoiding him… but a little space to beat this crush to death might be helpful. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. Above all, that's what's important to me.

I type up a response in the affirmative to Mr. Roach, receive a text from Maya confirming that she's done the same, and then I respond to Christian.

I'm sure that my boss will notify the appropriate party of this, but yes, I have agreed to go. I'm excited for the opportunity.

I lean back against the covers, ready to go back to sleep for a while, but I'm startled by an incoming phone call. Oh, God. It's Christian. I literally just responded to him, so he knows I'm up. Knowing him, he might send a wellness check if I don't pick up. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Be cool. "Hello?" I say, feigning nonchalance.

"Ana? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I said I was. Why?"

He's quiet for a moment. "Last night, I agreed to let it go for the moment, but I've been worried about you."

"Um… we talked, everything is… fine. We're going to work on it. Nothing you need to concern yourself with." And if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you.

Another pause. "I see. That's… good." His tone is more subdued now than it initially was. "Are you doing anything today? I still owe you the Seattle experience from a native."

Oh, God, I absolutely cannot hang out with him today. But I really, really want to… and that's exactly why I can't. It's too soon. Our friendship won't survive if I inadvertently invade his boundaries or make him uncomfortable because I haven't processed my feelings. "Oh, I actually have plans for the rest of the weekend. I'm sorry. Rain check?"

There's silence on his end for a much longer moment. "Of course," he finally says. "I'll see you Monday morning, then."

My chest aches. He sounds… distant. He started off concerned, then slowly just shut down. I shut him down. Fuck, this isn't what I want. This isn't preserving the friendship. "I've never been to New York. I'm excited," I admit quietly, just hoping to prolong the conversation and bring him back to me.

"You haven't? Never?" His interest is piqued.

"Never."

"You're in for a treat, then. There should be some time for a little tourism."

"Well, I am a sucker for the touristy shit," I say, reviving an old phrase of his.

He laughs, a beautiful sound. I silently sigh in relief. He's back. "I can see you in New York. There are plenty of trees in Central Park that are perfect to read under."

"Any sturdy branches to climb on?"

"I'm sure a good many." There's humor in his voice.

"I'll bring an extra suitcase of books."

"I'll let the flight attendant know to save you a very spacious overhead compartment." I giggle. Okay… this is good. This is us. I think I catch a barely audible sigh on the other end. "I spent ten years without you… why does two days feel so interminable?"

I gulp, trying to squash down the feeling of my heart exploding. Did I even have a prayer of not falling under his spell? Being in his inner circle is magic, and not for the reasons that materialistic leeches might think. It's all him. "I don't know… but I know." I'm tempted to cancel my fake plans. I just want to see him. "Will I see you in New York?"

"I think I can make time for my favorite coworker. Don't tell Ros I said that, though."

"Cross my heart." I feel… dangerously content after just a few minutes of speaking to him. "I'd better go. I'll look forward to Monday for a change. Have a good weekend, Christian. Don't work too hard."

"I'll try to fit in some… play." He says the last word a bit strangely, almost reluctantly. Does he hate downtime that much? "Have a good time with your plans, Ana. And… don't forget that I'm here to talk." Now his voice is almost imploring.

"I couldn't go a weekend without talking to you. I'm far too spoiled now for that."

He laughs, and then there's a pause. It feels like there should be something to fill this gap. I'm not sure what, but… I don't know. "Well… goodbye, then."

"Goodbye." I don't hang up, holding my breath and waiting for the call to end. But it doesn't. "Hang up," I laugh.

"I don't want to," he nearly whines, making me laugh even harder.

"I don't either! Okay, on three. One…"

"Two…"

"Three." I end the call. Or he does. I'm not sure.

The melancholy starts to creep back in as soon as he's not here to talk to anymore. I want to pull the covers over my head and stay here all day, but that would probably just make me feel worse. Besides… this bed is the scene of the crime. The reason I can't see him today.

So, instead, I throw them off myself and bound out of bed. Two days, Steele. You have two days to get over this and accept the status quo. And then we'll have peace. I'll have my friend, he'll have his, and everything will stay just as it should.

A/N: I tried to describe that scene in as sparse detail as possible. Ugh. If you skipped it, I completely understand.

Anyway, they're both having FEELINGS. How do you think New York is gonna go?