Chapter 37: Reflections Of A Coward

{A/N: Here's Another Update...by request of course}

My Thanks To All My Readers And Reviewers...Enjoy-S.S.

{"It's 3 a.m. and I finally say...I'm sorry for actin' that way...I didn't really mean to make you cry...Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why...Does it always have to come down to you leavin'...Before I say I love you?...And why do I always use the words that cut the deepest...When I know how much it hurts you?...Oh baby why do I do that to you?...I know I'd never let you walk away...So why do I push you 'til you break?...And why are you always on the verge of good-bye...Before I'll show you how I really feel inside?"} Why, Jason Aldean

Hermione Granger's Residence, Unknown Location, Muggle World...

The darkness of the sitting room had given Severus Snape a good place to think. He'd done some of his best thinking accompanied via shadow as per habit due to the wizarding wars. He had apologized to Hermione for his behavior the night their daughter was conceived and awaited her reaction. It wasn't in the least lost on him that his actions had hurt her tremendously even before being confronted via Harry Potter. Despite not being Sidney Sinclair, he still recalled just how much he had hurt Hermione in the other world her sorrow at the prospect of him not loving her anymore broke her to some degree and it only made him feel worse. He had left her. His cowardice no different than Sidney when he chose to end his life versus telling his loving family the truth about his illness. Sidney couldn't bare to tell her nor live with the fact that he was dying and it only continued to mirror everything Severus Snape felt that night. He wanted to die and was looking for any excuse to make it so. His time in Azkaban had left him bitter and resenting anything remotely close to happiness and she of all people dared to love him. The words that left her lips infuriated him even now. Aside from the affection the Malfoys had for him, no one had loved Severus Snape, not even when he'd been an infant. His own parents had gone their separate ways leaving him behind as if he never existed long before their deaths had taken place. The feelings of obligation and need she awoke in him had been overwhelming and sickening to a degree, so he did the only sensible thing and fled before she awoke to pursue this...notion of hers any further.

He told himself then that it was for her own good.

That he would only cause her more pain in the long run if he stayed.

But that had had been a lie.

He knew it.

And now she knew it.

The life of Sidney Sinclair had opened his eyes to the fact that he could not only obtain happiness, but that he could have it with her. He meant what he said when he promised his daughter that he'd attempt to make some kind of relationship work with her mother, he simply didn't know where to begin aside from apologizing. He knew they would need to have an honest conversation when she returned and he would be prepared to endure it. The strangeness of her having changed so much since the last time he'd seen her and the memories of that warm and loving young woman he'd left behind in the other life clashed. He knew he was to blame for her closed off approach to the world as well as her emotions, that night had not exactly endeared him to her. Still, if he were honest with himself he would conclude that everything that happened between them was indeed his fault.

His bitterness at having been released from Azkaban after awakening from a coma and being arrested despite Potter and Hermione's protest to the ordeal. The torment he suffered while locked away with the very death eaters he betrayed that didn't perish in the final battle only made him more angry at his situation. Hermione had come to him at the worst possible time when all he wanted was to either meet his end or obtain a measure of revenge.

He had not considered if it was revenge against Dumbledore, Harry Potter himself, or the entire wizarding world when he got drunk and let his rage get the better of him. Hermione had no part of what was done to him yet he saw fit to take it out on her. At least...that's how it began. When she agreed to sleep with him, he'd been almost too drunk to register that she had.

The audacity of such a stupid young girl believing she could alleviate what ills were ailing him from just her trim alone.

A reward of sorts to appease him after he'd been cast aside and largely forgotten about until they felt like rescuing him.

Snape had definitely recalled being embittered that night. More so than he had ever been in his entire life and that was saying something.

Sadly, he had not considered the consequences of his actions in full, in fact he cared nothing of them at all citing everything as being her fault for daring to follow him up to his room.

Everything was going quite well, he recalled...up until the chit blurted out her affections.

She had told him she loved him. Something that not even he had anticipated despite being privy to her school girl crush on him for years. The nerve of her having the gall to say such things to him...to give him a false sense of hope that perhaps he could have a life after everything that happened infuriated him to no end. He was angry that night but it subsided after he passed out from the combination of exhaustion and drink. The next morning he felt her. The warmth of her body pressed against his. The scent of jasmine in her unruly hair. For a moment...he allowed himself to truly wonder what it would have been like awakening beside her every morning.

This folly caused him to linger a bit but he had not fully recalled the events outside of the rather exquisite sex despite his drunkenness and the warmth of her body against his own. He wanted so badly to slip back inside her and pretend morning never came but then the fear set in. The shame of it crept back even in the darkness where he pondered these events. He feared her reaction to awakening beside him once the sun came up and after years of knowing little more than rejection after a good romp in the sack, there was no way he wanted to endure it again...not after she had given him a night that didn't have anything to do with his past.

He was neither death eater nor her Professor when he took her then. Just a man in need of something other than self loathing to get him through the night when thoughts of death and anguish plagued him most.

No, he'd been no better than Sidney Sinclair, the coward whom had rather die than face a moment of sadness in telling his wife the horrible truth about his impending death. He had left Hermione alone and unbeknownst to him, pregnant with his child never knowing if he'd live or die after that night. Snape recalled the numerous times he had brought the poor witch to tears as Sidney and how he had possibly done so much more in his own life to cause Hermione Granger pain.

Looking back, he might have stayed had he not let fear of her reaction and his own lack of character get the better of him. They would have been married this night and at peace with the past. Instead he was sitting alone in the darkness of her sitting room pondering what could have been while trying his best to figure out how to make amends for both of their sakes.