A/N: Last chapter, Chuck spent time just wallowing in self-pity, as observed by Ellie. He never left the apartment. This chapter continues with Chuck's feelings.
Reviews have tailed off. Not sure if that's because I am publishing too quickly, not giving readers a chance to review, or if people just don't want to read it. I'll still continue, though.
Still a beta free zone. Let me know if you spot any mistakes and I'll try to correct them, when I can.
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck or the lyrics I have used, but the early Linkin Park was amazing. Go listen to the whole of the "Hybrid Theory" album.
Chuck – After You
Chapter 4 – Tried So Hard
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
"In the End"
Linkin Park
He'd always tried to do everything for Sarah. To look after her. To keep her safe. To keep her wanting him. Wanting to stay with him. He'd tried so hard, but then, in the end, he'd failed.
He is still trying to see how things could have been different. Not just on the beach, but before too.
Could he have handled things in a way that would have saved her back on the train? Could he have dealt with her return better? Gotten through to her sooner? Made her realize sooner that what they had was real? Would that have made a difference to her decision to leave?
Then on the beach. If only he'd not snapped and yelled at her! Why had he done that? Why?
He knew that when attacked, she always closed down, went back behind her wall, protected herself from harm. She had always been like that. It was part of her upbringing and her training at the CIA. It was what had kept her alive for so long.
So, when he verbally attacked her, she had done just that. She'd become the cold, professional assassin that handled things in a way that ensured she would survive.
Then she had done the thing he always saw. When attacked, flight was her natural reaction, but also the agent reaction.
God! He had virtually pushed her away!
If only…
Now, two weeks after she had gone, he had heard nothing from her. He knows she needs the time to get herself together, but he could have helped her with that!
He had expected her memories to be slow to return. If they ever did. Now he sees he was right.
She may never get them back. She may never decide to come back to him!
But she might.
He will wait forever for her. She's worth it.
Morgan had been trying to get him to move on. To find someone else. It was only two bloody weeks and Morgan wanted him to abandon her!
Even Ellie, who had been so good for the last fortnight, seems now to be thinking moving on is a good idea. Just like those awful post-Stanford days.
Neither of them seemed to realize that this is completely different to Stanford. To Jill.
Jill had slept with Bryce, for God's sake! She had left him for another man. Bryce Freakin' Larkin.
Sarah hadn't left him for someone else. She had left him because she didn't recognize him as her husband. Any more.
And she'd said she'd come back to him if she could. There is hope there. There is.
God, he misses her!
He knows he will not "move on". He will not abandon his love. His wonderful wife. He will wait.
However, he also knows he has to stop the wallowing and do something to distract himself. To find something to do, that will occupy his mind. Fill it with non-Sarah thoughts.
And he is trying to. Trying to think about Carmichael Industries. Only thing is, that the company was a joint creation. With her. Thinking about the company, just makes him think of the hole in his life. The missing Sarah.
He knows the others are trying to get him to stop focusing on her absence. They are trying to help, but it's not helping.
He feels like everyone is judging him and how he's behaving, but he just misses Sarah so much. He misses her voice, her scent, her eyes, her love for him, even her cold feet! He misses her presence in his life.
Feeling frustrated with himself, he does what he has been doing most days and switches on the television. He scrolls through the channels. There must be something worth watching. Something that will take his mind off the negative thoughts that he is constantly fighting now.
He spots something he hasn't watched for a while, Charmed. He always enjoyed that. It's about to start. He sits back on the couch to watch it.
The theme tune starts. He has always enjoyed that before, as well. "How Soon is Now?" by The Smiths. Only today, it resonates with his feelings. The chorus and one verse in particular:
You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does
There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die
He doesn't want to go to clubs, to dance. Not without Sarah.
Listening to the last line of that lyric, he wonders if that's him. Wanting to die.
He switches off the television.
He repeats to himself, as he has done most days, she told him she has feelings for him. She told him the kiss was a great kiss. And she will return. She will!
A/N: Oh, happy days! Remember, the lyrics are setting the tone, not me! Two songs this time!
Next chapter, we'll see how Sarah is getting on with re-joining the CIA.
Leave a review and let me know what you think of this chapter. Hopefully there's still some of you out there reading this!
If you're not a member of the Chuck FanFiction Facebook group, sign up and listen, chat, just be part of it.