A/N: Last chapter, Chuck's reaction to Sarah's letter had not been good. He felt suicidal, but the family stopped him. Hopefully he won't slip back into those thoughts. Mary, Casey & Verbanski will keep him in line, won't they? In this chapter, we are back with Sarah and more memories coming back.

Thanks for the reviews. Interesting to see the varied reactions, particularly the anti-Sarah feelings being expressed. I don't agree with that, but we are all entitled to our opinions.

Still no beta.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck or the lyrics I have used, the song here by Linkin Park.

Chuck – After You

Chapter 8 - With You

I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy

And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
And even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant and I can't bring you back

It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me

I'm with you

Now I see keeping everything inside

Now I see even when I close my eyes

"With You"
Linkin Park

For the last month, she had been getting memories back, daily. Sometimes just a couple, but at least once, ten of them. They varied in size from Chuck or her just saying one word to the other, through to a whole day.

Most had been happy memories. None had been like the betrayal ones.

Some had to be pieced together to create a picture.

One set had been very painful. Daniel Shaw!

She originally didn't understand why this man was in the team, leading the team, but he treated Chuck like an idiot who got everything wrong. That upsets her for some reason, but at the time, she didn't seem to care. Why? Was it related to one of the betrayals? It must have been. God, working with him after that must have been horrible! So, why did she feel upset?

As she built up the picture of this time sequence, she saw that it had been because of him choosing to be a spy rather than be with her. And it had been difficult. He had come back from his training, a failure. Not a spy. He also couldn't flash, so was totally useless to the team.

The General seemed to have brought a CIA agent to fix this. She didn't have a memory of the General explaining to them why he was needed, but he seemed to have taken the lead role. Why? She should have got that role if any CIA agent did! And why did an NSA General relinquish control in that way? Wasn't Casey NSA? It didn't make sense. Maybe she'd get a memory back to explain it sometime.

As for her relationship with Chuck, she was avoiding him as much as possible. That made a lot of sense! However, he kept trying to talk. Seemingly trying to get her to like him again. And she seemed to be softening. Was she going to take him back, after that? WTF?

Unfortunately, the next memory, in fact the next two memories, were him doing what he seemed to do so much. Betrayal. She sees him arrive at Los Angeles International Airport, with another brunette! Always brunettes! The next memory is seeing him with his arms around that brunette. He really was a bastard!

Memories of herself with this Daniel Shaw indicated she was on the rebound. That shocked her. Where was the professional agent that never mixed her professional life with 'dating'? Sure, she did that with Bryce, but they were together, on their own, for years. And Bryce had been so adorable. This plank of wood was not! Chuck had obviously changed her, made her softer, then rejected her, again.

The memory that shocked her the most, however, was one in Castle. She told Daniel Shaw her real name! Well, her first name, Sam, but all the same! She never did that! That would be relinquishing her control. Making her vulnerable. He would have power over her with something like that. It took her quite a while to settle her nerves after that particular memory came to her, but when she did, she had placed it in the sequence after starting on the rebound.

So, the sequence seemed to be:

- Chuck rejects her in Prague

- Chuck re-joins the team

- She avoids Chuck

- Chuck can't operate effectively and the General brings in Daniel Shaw as team lead

- Chuck tries to win her affections back

- She starts to take him back

- Chuck flies somewhere and brings back a new brunette

- Chuck dates this brunette, hurting her again

- She rebounds onto Daniel Shaw

- She makes herself vulnerable and tells Daniel Shaw her name

What a shitshow!

Thankfully, she doesn't see Chuck having sex with this new woman!

Strangely, neither does she see herself having sex with Daniel Shaw. Had she really not had any sex since Bryce? With all the tension between her and Chuck? Really? She's not like Carina and is not one to seek out sexual partners, but the feelings she obviously had for Chuck must have driven her to it, surely.

Then a memory hit her. God! Sex with Daniel Shaw! And it was not good! She did it because she'd lost Chuck to that woman and Shaw was 'available', but she'd just done it to release her tension. Her Chuck sexual frustration. The memory didn't take her to the end, but she already felt the shame back then and it is now definitely spoiling her mood!

She is sitting, shaking after that one. That felt like her betraying Chuck. But he'd betrayed her so many times. He'd even had sex with another woman in front of her! Why does she feel bad about this? It wasn't just because the sex was bad, although it was. There was more to it.

She is just starting to reach for her wine glass for a much needed drink, when another memory arrives.

= ! =

She is just waking, feeling like crap, feeling like she has been drugged. She has been drugged. Where is she?

She looks around. She is in bed in what looks like a hotel bedroom. A fancy one, so probably a mission. She looks out of the windows and sees the Eiffel Tower. Paris.

This can't be her Red Test; she was in a seedy motel back then. This is another mission.

She looks back into the room. Chuck is sitting in a chair at the end of the bed. Asleep. What is he doing there?

She starts to push herself off her pillow with her elbows and Chuck's eyes spring open.

He rushes to her. "Hey."

She is struggling with everything, but manages to get out, "Mm."

The look in his eyes is so kind, "How're you feeling?"

Getting more control over her tongue, she asks, "What happened?"

He seems to deflect that, not wanting to answer, but says, "Everything's okay now."

That doesn't give her what she wants, but she's still to weak to get angry. "What about Shaw?"

He looks down. "He's dead. I'm sorry."

Then she remembers. "Oh, my God, we... there was a... there was a cafe and... and a bridge, and he tried to kill me, and..."

She looks straight at Chuck. "Oh, my God, you shot him!"

He grabs her hands, wringing them tightly. "I couldn't let him hurt you, Sarah. Trust me, I did what I had to do. But I'm still the same guy. I'm still Chuck. I promise."

She reaches up and cups his face with her hand. "You saved me!"

She feels all the love she has for this man rising to the fore.

= ! =

Well! That is a better memory of him!

Then a series of memories. Really good memories!

After the best kiss she has ever had, they have sex. The best sex she has had! Ever! He is so attuned to her needs. He is a wonderful, giving lover. At the time, she had realized this was more than just sex. They were making love. She loved him. He loved her. They were perfect together.

All the memories of this were in the same room. They had obviously made love there so many times. Whether that was the same day or over several, she has no idea, but who cares. It was wonderful! He was wonderful!

The first time, she had also had a thought, which she wasn't expecting now, sitting in her room. She'd thought "Why didn't we do this before?" So, they hadn't had sex before this time, which was obviously after the Shaw memories.

Was it his unfaithfulness that stopped them or something else? Chuck had told her that it had taken them some time to really get together. This must have been when that happened. In such an amazing way! The best way!

Then she has two small memories back. Chuck saying something to her. "This cover relationship" and her saying to him that she was his handler. That is all, but everything falls into a different perspective. They weren't a true couple before this. She had been there to protect him, but not as she thought. He was her asset and she was his handler. They couldn't be in a relationship. She would have been removed. They were in a cover relationship to fool his family and friends.

After she had gotten the memories about the cover relationship. She started getting memories about how she felt about it, but, more significantly, how Chuck felt about it. It was obviously painful for both of them, not being able to be in a real relationship because of the handler / asset situation.

She would have had to remain professional and seem detached for Director Graham and General Beckman. If they had thought she was compromised, she would have been removed, something she certainly didn't want. Chuck didn't seem to understand that, or refused to believe it, and repeatedly pushed for a 'real' relationship. She knew they couldn't and had to reject the idea. Reject him. Hurt him.

She wouldn't have meant to hurt him. Why hadn't she made him understand? Was it her fault or was it him?

She did get one pair of memories, that seemed to sum up their feelings at the time. In the first, they were standing in front of a bomb that was about to explode, obviously unable to escape from it. She had grabbed his face and given him a searing kiss. One that conveyed all of her passion for him. He had responded in kind. It was an amazing kiss. Obviously it hadn't exploded or neither of them would have survived. The second memory was not so good. Her telling him that the kiss was a mistake. The hurt in his face was so clear. But it was a mistake. She should never have done it. Why couldn't he see that?

Another memory made her feel sick. Sick of what she had had to do. She really hated their situation, thinking about it now. They had apparently received truth drugs and he had taken the opportunity to try to get her to tell him how she really felt about him. Again, she couldn't encourage him, couldn't let her feelings be known, get reassigned. She had been trained to withstand such drugs, so she had been able to lie. He looked devastated.

And yet, in spite of all the pain she had caused him, he still wanted to be with her. Loved her. What a wonderful man he was.

All of these memories were increasing that feeling she had on the beach. She no longer thought she could love him; she did love him. And she missed him. So, so much.

She had always been a loner. Not being with others was her natural state, not wanting to be with anyone else. But now, she desperately wanted that to change. She wanted to be with him in spite of the betrayals.

She started thinking back over those betrayal memories.

The deli girl. Were they in a real relationship then or still just in a cover one?

Another memory answered that. She is in that uniform in the fast-food restaurant. It is the time he leaves her for the deli girl.

= ! =

Chuck stands in front of her. "You and me, our thing under the undercover thing, is this ever going anywhere?"

She wants it to, but knows it can't. "No."

He nods, then looks at her. "We need to break up. You know, like, fake break up our pretend relationship."

= ! =

Oh, God! They weren't together. He didn't betray her. He gave her a chance to make it real and she couldn't, so he broke up with her. She had wanted for it to be real, though. That was why she was so upset, but she couldn't do anything about it or she'd be removed, sent away.

Was the time she found him in bed with the other woman also when they weren't together properly? It would explain why he was there, doing that. Finding them at it still hurt, though. She is sure, even then, she was in love with him. Seeing that would have really, really hurt. It hurt now.

She doesn't know why he rejected her at the station, but is now wondering if it was a part of a mission and not real at all. She was just upset that they couldn't run away together. Ever.

She also remembers something that happened in the two weeks after she came back into his life. Not a lost memory returning, just a recollection of something she already knew. He had dived in front of her when Quinn fired the gun, taking the bullet for her. He cared for her more than his own life!

God, this is bad. Really bad. She sent that letter saying she would never return. It will have hurt him. It hurt her. She has ruined everything, for both of them!

She wants to do something. Try to repair the damage, but can she? Could she ever repair the damage?

No. She realizes it's too late now. She's burnt those bridges. He will have moved on with his life. Without her. Probably with another brunette! He'll be happy living without her.

Tears start running down her cheeks at the realization of her future now. She will just have to carry on as she is. Missing him. Loving him. Alone!

A/N: Sarah is now getting happy memories back, but she's told Chuck she'll never return. She thinks he will have moved on and so she has to continue down that path. This was the sort of decision making from the show, sorry.

Next chapter, we'll stick with Sarah.

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