A/N: Last chapter, Chuck left LA and moved to Miami Beach, away from all the memories. He's going to focus on work, while waiting, hopefully, for Sarah. Here we see how Sarah gets on with her life without Chuck.
After I published Chapter 9, I remembered a song that perfectly summed up Sarah's state. Sarah's not the only one with memory problems! Mine is a combination of too many songs in my head and age! You'll be glad to know, I'm not going to add another chapter for this! I posted a link to it in a comment on my post for that chapter on the Chuck FanFiction Facebook group, but if you're not on there (why?) and want to check it out, search for "Paralysed" by Gang of Four.
Wow! Lots of reviews! I really appreciate them all, even those where we disagree on things. Taking the time to provide the reviews is really good of you. Thank you so much.
Still betaless. Still happy to make any corrections to things you spot.
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck or the lyrics I have used. Portishead were a fantastic band, writing music that sounded so different at that time.
Chuck – After You
Chapter 11 – Nobody Loves Me
Who am I, what and why?
'Cause all I have left is my memories of yesterday
Oh these sour times
'Cause nobody loves me
It's true
Not like you do
After time the bitter taste
Of innocence, descent or race
Scattered seeds, buried lives
Mysteries of our disguise revolve
Circumstance will decide ...
'Cause nobody loves me
It's true
Not like you do
"Sour Times"
Portishead
More and more memories are returning. She is piecing them together, still piecing them together.
She still has a lot of gaps, some quite large, and probably a lot of nuances are still unknown, but the five years are becoming clearer. The notes she took before are helping place some of the memories, the events, but some she just has to guess when they happened. Particularly the non-mission memories.
Some of those non-mission ones did fit with entries in her mission log, so those were easy, but many didn't. She learnt to work out rough times for any with Chuck in them He had changed his hairstyle over the years.
As she sits here thinking about him, she can't work out which hairstyle she prefers.
In the early days, it was longer, shaggier. One memory had Ellie calling the curls animal shapes and she guesses that is true. Later, he got it under control. He looked tidier. More professional. But she missed those animal shapes. She laughs at herself over that. When she last saw him, that day on the beach, it was short.
Thinking about that day is painful, so she tries not to do that, but she can't stop thinking about his hair. She wants to run her fingers through it.
The memories of their love life have come back in force. It was so good! She remembers running her fingers through his hair as they made love. She really misses that. The hair and making love to him.
No wonder she wanted to marry him! They were perfect together!
Thinking about marrying him, she thinks about all of it. His proposal. In a hospital corridor. It was perfect!
The memories were so much more powerful and relevant than just hearing Chuck tell her about the events.
And the wedding! She initially was surprised that she had gone for a church wedding with a lot of people there, but her memories of that day were wonderful. Casey had walked her down the aisle. Casey! Who'd have thought? And she had had three bridesmaids, Ellie, no surprise there, but also her old friend Carina Miller, which was a surprise, but not as much as the third, Zondra Rizzo!
She had no idea how they had reconciled. Zondra was a traitor as far as she could remember, but obviously she'd accepted her back somehow. Zondra had been her best friend in the CAT squad, so she is happy they got back together.
She would love to reconnect with both Carina and Zondra, but now she is out of the CIA, she probably can't. She will try, though. Somehow.
She has no friends anymore and she wants friends. Agent Walker never needed friends, but she's not Agent Walker anymore. Just Sarah. Sarah Bartowski.
Her love for Chuck Bartowski has been growing stronger and stronger with each memory of him returning. Even the bad ones.
She had been assigned as his handler. He was the Intersect asset and had to be handled. She had hated it from the start. As she thinks of the memories, she knows she had fallen in love with him at the start, long before she recorded it in her mission log. She wanted to be in a real relationship, but if the powers that be had suspected anything she would have been recalled, so she had stayed in a cover relationship, cover-girlfriend, cover-boyfriend. It was shit! They both hated it, but she had to act as if it was okay.
He couldn't stand it, obviously. Hence the deli girl break-up.
And that brunette he was having sex with was his ex, Jill Roberts. She had come back into his life while he and Sarah were still in the cover relationship. She couldn't really blame him. He wanted a real relationship and Jill had seemed to be offering that. It had still hurt, though. It still does.
The rejection at the station had been because he felt he couldn't just run with her, away from the NSA and the CIA. He felt he should use his skills to help people, just like she did. He also couldn't abandon his sister. He hadn't told her this, though. He had just walked away from her. Abandoned her. That still hurt. He was at fault on that one. He should have told her, lessened the blow.
Sarah had apparently learnt about this when Carina, who had been on a mission with her, gave her a memory stick with a recording of Chuck behind some door, blurting it all out, as well as telling her he was sorry and that he loved her.
Stupid idiot! If he'd said all that at the station, she would have forgiven him and none of the shit that followed would have happened.
The girl on the plane was Hannah. She had obviously fallen for Chuck on the flight back from his mission, to Paris. She followed him to the Buy More. Started working there. Insinuated her way into his life. His bed. Again, Sarah couldn't blame him. Well, not much. That had driven her to Shaw and all that shit.
So, even his betrayals weren't complete betrayals. They weren't in a real relationship. They still hurt. Hurt badly, but weren't betrayals.
She now yearns for his love back. She had never even thought of love before him, but now all she can think of is that love. The love she has given up.
Their love.
His love for her is probably all gone now, given to someone else. No one else would love her like that. God, no one else would love her, period!
Sending that letter isn't the only regret now. She also regrets getting the new phone when she sent it. Well, maybe not the new phone itself, but not transferring his number and details across. Same with his family. She can now neither phone him nor write to him. She had gotten the new phone so he couldn't contact her, and not taking these details across had seemed the right thing to do at the time. Now she hates herself for doing it. If only...
She could, of course, go to him in Echo Park, but if he was with someone else, she'd be devastated. She couldn't face that. She'd need to know before going.
She shakes herself. She must track down Carina. She helped before. She obviously knew they were together. Maybe she knows what he is doing now. Whether there is any hope.
A/N: So, Sarah's depression is increasing. She's behind Chuck on this as she had none of the memories to trigger it at the time he started. So, Carina. Will she help or just hinder like she often did before?
Next chapter, we'll see how Chuck's new life is going.
Please leave a review and let me know what you think of this one.
If you're not a member of the Chuck FanFiction Facebook group, why?