A/N: Last chapter, Sarah and Chuck went on what they are calling their "second date", ending with Sarah kissing him. She is going to start helping his with his business plan, but she also needs to talk to him about her past if they are going to have a future together.

Once again, thanks for all the great reviews.

And thanks again to LetsGoRed for all the fantastic beta work.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, in any way.

Life After Death

Chapter 5 – Looking forward and back

Chuck's house, next day

Sarah was impressed with the house on the beach front in Malibu. God, I'd love to live here.

He'd set them up in the dining room with his previous business plan laid out for her to check out, along with his sales pitch for the previous product. He also had an initial idea for the linguistics product.

Sarah looked at everything spread out and said, "I'll spend the morning reading through everything."

Chuck nodded and smiled. "I'll provide refreshments."

She smiled at him and got started.

He walked away, then came back in, carrying coffee and some croissants. She raised an eyebrow. He smiled, "To start the day."

She laughed, but stopped and picked up a croissant and a coffee.

"I hope you like these," he said.

"My favorite breakfast," she replied, beaming at him.

That smile so captivated him, that he missed her saying something else and had to ask her to repeat.

She smiled affectionately. "What do you like?"

"Apart from your smile?" he said without thinking.

"For breakfast," she said, smirking.

That took him by surprise too and he looked shocked and she realized what he might be thinking. "I'm not planning to make you breakfast," she hurriedly said, then thought about it and decided to tease him. "… yet".

He choked on his coffee and she burst out laughing.

After the coffee break, she spent the rest of the morning reading.

His last business plan was a mess. How did he manage to do business? His sales pitch was impressive, so that started everything off, but he had no idea on negotiating price, rates for support, or even protecting his intellectual property. This would have to improve. The sales pitch was a bit techie, considering it was a game, but that probably worked if aimed at a tech savvy audience. The next would be aimed at educators, and certainly not IT experts, so that would need to be pitched at the right audience. He obviously knew his stuff with IT, but little else. She decided that whether they had a future together as a couple, she wanted to help him with this.

Lunch was a picnic on the beach. He'd laid out a large blanket for them and brought a salad, fries, fruit and drinks. It was just what she wanted and she loved it.

"I could get used to this," she said dreamily.

That made him smile and ask, "The beach or the company?"

She locked eyes with him. "Both," she replied. His smile widened as did hers.

"Did you bring bathing gear for the afternoon?" he questioned.

She frowned. "That's not why I'm here, Chuck. I'm here to review your business plan and product idea," she replied.

His smile dropped.

"But that's for when we go back inside. Let's just enjoy being here together for a while," she conceded.

That brought the smile back.

When they'd collected everything up and returned to the dining room, he looked at the quantity of notes she had taken. He frowned and asked, "Is it bad?"

"The idea is good, but you definitely need help with the business side."

He nodded. "I know. It was really hard last time. Took most of my time, leaving little for product enhancements." He looked downcast. She hadn't said she'd help yet.

Sarah saw his expression. God, she wanted that smile back, but had to act professionally. She outlined what was wrong last time, but then described how it could be different this time.

"I can't do all that!" he exclaimed.

"So let your partner do it," she replied. He looked confused.

"That might be me," she said. He beamed at her.

She cautioned him, "I haven't made my mind up yet, but I will definitely help you prepare the business plan for your new product. We need to work on this."

"We need a meal to celebrate that then," he stated.

"Any excuse for a meal!" she teased.

Light evening meal at Chuck's house

They continued their discussion about the business during the start of the meal, but then drifted into talking about each other.

She could see that Chuck obviously wanted their relationship to develop further. He seemed to have strong feelings for her. To be honest, she felt the same. However, he needed to know what she'd been in the CIA. She didn't want any surprises in the future if he met anyone like Carina.

She took hold of his hand at the end of the meal. "Chuck, I think we both really like each other and I think we both would like to be more than just business partners. Am I right?"

"God, yes, Sarah. I can't stop thinking about you," he said without thinking. That made her smile, but then the smile dropped.

"Before you get involved with an ex-CIA agent, you need to know what she's done, how dark her past is. You might just want to run away as fast as you can. It… It might mean you don't want her as a business partner either." She couldn't look at him after saying this.

"I don't believe it, Sarah."

"I'm serious, Chuck. Can we spend tomorrow talking about my past, please? Then you decide."

"Okay."

Chuck's house, next day

She had already told him a bit about what the CIA expected from female agents, but she was now going to cover it in more detail. She was also going to cover the other aspects. This was going to be hard for her, but he was worth it. She kept repeating that to herself. He's worth it.

They were sitting at his dining table again, but this time there were no papers covering it, just the mats with their coffees.

She'd driven over herself this time. She'd enjoyed the wind in her hair and the sun beating down on her. Arriving at his beach house and looking at the view, she felt at home. She'd never felt that way, anywhere. She certainly didn't in her hotel room, but wondered if she'd feel that way in her apartment when she moved in. But this wasn't her home and she wouldn't be living here. So, why do I feel that way about it?

Now she was sitting nursing her coffee, she realized she was stalling, not wanting to cast her mind back. She needed to get through this. He was sitting quietly giving her the time to collect her thoughts.

She looked up from her coffee. "So…" Stop stalling, Sarah! She took a deep breath. "I've told you about my criminal past and a brief outline of what I did as a CIA operative, but I want you to know more." She stared into his eyes. "So you can decide whether you still want to see me."

He started to speak, but she held up her hand to stop him. "Chuck, this is going to be hard for me. I've never told anyone about this. Please let me just talk and don't interrupt."

He closed his mouth and nodded.

She straightened her back and started, "As I said, I was sixteen when I was enlisted. I was sent straight to the CIA training facility known as The Farm. I've never asked why it was called that, but I guess it's because that's where they 'grow' agents."

He just nodded.

"The training was intense, but I lapped it up. I was desperate to learn things and they were giving me that. I am also very competitive and always want to win." She looked at him and smirked. "If you let me stick around, you'll learn that about me, so watch out!"

She continued her story, "Being much younger than the other 'students', I didn't really fit in. No one paid any attention to me, just like at school. I was still invisible, which suited me fine. Then they did the makeover." She looked away from him, trying to control her feelings. "They took away my braces, fixed my messy, knotted hair and gave it highlights. They took away my ripped, baggy jeans and sweatshirt, even my underwear. They shaved my legs and armpits. I'd never done that, so they showed me how. They dressed me in a way that accentuated the figure I had always hidden. And they used makeup. I'd never worn that either. The result was pretty much what you see now, just thirteen years younger."

She swallowed. "That was the end of my invisibility for a while. The men noticed me and wanted to know me. The women noticed me as well and most hated me. A couple of the women were also interested in me. It was hell. I didn't want any attention, from the men or the women and now I felt on display. When we weren't in sessions, I'd go to my room, lock it, hiding away. Meal times were bad. I had to line up with the rest before escaping to my room."

Chuck grasped her hand, which she realized was now shaking. "I'm so sorry, Sarah. I know you want me to keep quiet, but I want you to know I care."

She gave him a sad smile. "It got worse for a while. A few of the guys tried to force their attentions on me. They left with bruises, both to their bodies, usually between their legs, and to their egos. I got the name "Ice Queen", which has stuck with me since. After that, the attention thankfully dissipated. They left me alone again… Until the infiltration classes."

She looked pained. "Chuck, can I stop for a while?"

Chuck jumped to his feet. "Absolutely. Can I get you a drink or some food?"

She smiled at this kind man. "Yes, that would be good. Can I have a water, please?"

As she sat there, thinking about what she was doing, she knew it was the right thing to do, but God, it was hard!

When he brought a full glass and a jug of water, she smiled. "Thank you, Chuck."

He sat down next to her this time. She gave him another smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.

Chuck frowned. "You know you don't have to continue, Sarah. To be honest, I don't like to see you in pain, and this looks like it hurts."

She took a drink of her water, then put the glass down. "It does hurt, Chuck, but I want you to know… to know Sarah Walker."

She grasped his hands in hers. "I haven't got to the worst yet, Chuck. I'm sorry."

He tightened his grip and said something that made it feel easier. "Sarah, I know the Sarah Walker I want to be with. She's an ex-spy and none of this changes who she is right now."

She twisted towards him, leaned over and brought her lips to his, giving him a soft kiss. When she pulled away, she said, "Thank you."

She leaned back and looked at him. "Infiltration classes cover how to win confidence of the marks. The targets. For the most part, for female agents, that meant using their bodies to attract men. They taught us how to adjust our clothing, how to apply our makeup, how to kiss, how to make the men think the prize was our bodies." She couldn't look at him and turned away. "I hated it. The learning and what it meant for my future."

She swallowed hard. "I need to deviate from the timeline for a bit. I want to talk about how I had to use this in missions, so you know what I did and how I had to use this training." She sighed, "I frequently had to get the attention of men with my body. I'd have to dress in provocative clothes that showed far more than I would have wanted of my legs and chest. Sometimes I had to make them think they would get me into bed and had to let them grope my body and look like I was enjoying it." She looked into his eyes, seeing hurt there, but she suspected it was for her. "I hated it, Chuck, but learnt to not think about it. I became a robot, in a way. No emotion at all. It was all about enticement. Making their lips loosen, so that I could get what I needed from them, not them getting what they wanted from me. It nearly always ended with them taking me to their bedrooms, where I would usually knock them out or use tranquilizer. Sometimes other things, but I'll get to that later. They never scored, Chuck. Not with me. They did with some agents, some of whom liked it."

Chuck couldn't keep quiet. "So, the CIA made some into pros and thought they would with you too?"

She shook her head. "No, Chuck. It was all about the promise, not the act. Some agents just liked to follow through. Some, I heard, had no choice where there were many men. I was lucky."

"God! That's awful!"

"It is, but that's not the worst thing."

He shook his head at that, but she put her finger on his lips. "Please let me continue, Chuck."

He nodded.

"The other things we learnt at the Farm were self-defense and weapons training. The weapons included all types of guns, knives, various other tools and even yourself as a weapon." She smirked at this point. "I told you how competitive I am, well, here I excelled. The others liked me even less then. I was a sharpshooter and never missed a target. My knife throwing was just as accurate and I was rarely beaten in hand-to-hand combat. As I say, I excelled."

This reminiscence was not bad, she thought. She would just have to be selective about what memories she explored in future.

"All this was captured in reports. The person who 'recruited' me got to see those reports and, as you'll see, they helped him shape my career," her expression darkening again. Not such good thoughts!

"We also got training in other things to enable us to adapt to different missions. That included the language training and, for me, the business degree, which was an accelerated version of the standard one from Harvard. Remember, most agents were already at university when recruited, whereas I had not.

"Before completing my time at the Farm, Graham sent me on missions with the handler I mentioned. He shouldn't have done that really, but he apparently wanted me in action as fast as possible." She looked at him again. "I killed my first person at nineteen." She watched his reaction.

He looked shocked. "Killed?"

"Yes. We had been cornered by three men and had to fight back. My handler shot two of them and I shot the third. I managed to keep going until we got back to our hotel rooms. As soon as I got in mine, I rushed to the bathroom and was sick." This was definitely hard to remember. "That was the worst day in my life, to that point, Chuck."

He reached over and gently took her hand and squeezed it.

"I had been on several missions as the training came to an end and I was soon to become an agent. Then, I was sent out on my final test." She stopped, took her hand away, got up and walked to the window. She looked out for several minutes before returning to the table.

"The final test is called the Red Test. You can guess what the color choice meant."

He looked confused. "But you'd already killed someone. Surely you didn't need to do it again."

"This was different. This was an assassination."

He looked shocked. "Oh my God! You had to kill someone in cold blood?"

"Yes, Chuck. My target was a rogue spy. I had to go to Paris and just kill her. She needed to be eliminated. This was the worst day of my life, ever."

She hated thinking about it, even now, all these years later.

"It was by a crossroads late at night. The area was deserted, but I found her route home passed this way each night. I had a silencer on my gun, so hopefully no one would hear a shot. My hands were shaking. I had been waiting for her to cross for some time and then there she was. She dropped her bag when she saw me and was reaching into her coat. She may have been reaching for a gun, I don't know. I just shot her and walked away, acting as if nothing had happened. I felt like running. I felt like throwing up, but I could do nothing other than slowly amble away. I got on the Metro to near where I was staying. I ambled in there, but when I got to my room, I ran to the bathroom and felt like I didn't stop being sick for hours, but it must have been just a few minutes. I was now a fully qualified CIA agent. I was now an assassin. I felt like shit. I hated myself."

She looked at him. That pained look on his face made her feel worse, but she had to tell it all.

"Graham had no doubt I'd do it. He sent me on one more mission with the same handler as before, but this one was another assassination, this time in the Middle East. A sniper shot. It was easier because I wasn't face to face with the target. I had no difficulty with this long-distance shot.

"The next two missions were also assassinations, just on my own. Another sniper shot first. Then I had to attend a fashion show in Milan. There was going to be a weapons exchange by another rogue spy and a Middle Eastern terrorist group. I was to intercept and get the weapons, but also kill the rogue agent. If I could kill the terrorist leader as well, that would be a bonus. I just used knives, no guns this time. I achieved it all. One dead American, three dead terrorists and a cache of weapons."

She had by now put her wall up completely. Chuck could no longer see any emotion on her face. She was coldly reporting her actions. He didn't want to interrupt, not sure how she would react.

"I had flawlessly carried out these missions. It set Graham's expectations. In his eyes, I was now to become his Enforcer. I had to stop myself from thinking about the blood and the dead eyes. I was now just a killing machine. A robot would have had more feeling. So, I was now the Ice Queen and Graham's Wildcard Enforcer. Two labels I had earnt and described me well."

She now felt exhausted. She'd never talked for so long in her life. Her hands were shaking, in fact she was shaking. She'd stopped looking at Chuck while describing what she'd become. She looked at him, now expecting to see disgust or horror or probably both. She did see those, but she also saw anger. That was puzzling. Why anger?

She was now frightened about his reaction. She had grown attached to this man. Was he going to throw her out? He should.

"I'm sorry you had to hear all that, Chuck, but you have to know who you're getting involved with if we do become partners. Business partners, I don't expect anything more." She looked away, close to tears.

Chuck had seen the change of expression. The cold, lifeless look had disappeared. What he'd seen, before she turned away, was a vulnerable, scared woman. He grabbed her arms and pulled her around so that she could look at him. This startled her and she instantly looked at him, not sure what to expect.

Chuck looks quite pale. "Wow! That's a lot to take in. It's awful!"

Sarah was close to tears and looked down. "Do you hate me now?"

Realizing how she had mistaken his comment, he lifted her chin so that she had to look at him again. He held her gaze. "No, I don't hate you. Sarah, I haven't heard anything that makes me unsure about us as business partners. Or romantic partners either."

She frowned and raised her voice, "But I'm a killer. An assassin. A monster! Why would you want to be with me?"

He just calmly and quietly said, "You're not a monster, Sarah."

"B..."

"No. No buts. Shall I tell you why?"

She just nodded.

"A monster wouldn't be upset at all the killing. You clearly are. You were just doing your job. I hate that that's what they made you do. Really angry, actually. But you were just following orders. It's disgusting that they make any agent do that, man or woman, and I'm horrified that you had to just shut your feelings off and do it. But, you've left it all behind now. You escaped. You are a wonderful woman who I have no doubts about." He held her arms and looked straight at her so that she could see the sincerity in his gaze.

Sarah was stunned. He'd listened to all that and still wanted to be with her. His looks of horror, disgust and anger weren't aimed at her, but the CIA. She couldn't hold back her tears any more. They poured down her face, but now they were tears of joy.

She launched herself at him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, hard.

When she pulled away, he said, "If that's what I get for listening to your history, Sarah. I want to hear lots more!"

She laughed and hugged him. "You don't need to listen, just kiss me and I'll definitely kiss you back!"

He had to say more, to make sure she understood his thinking. "Sarah, you're the best thing that's happened to me. You've left all that behind now. I'm getting involved with you now, and I couldn't be happier. That is, unless you don't want to be with me."

She beamed. "Oh, I want to be with you, mister."

"Partners?" he questioned, offering a handshake.

She took his hand and shook it. "Partners!"

Sounds like another celebratory meal then," he teased.

"Well, maybe," she replied, "but I'd rather you take your girlfriend on another date." She looked coyly at him.

"Girlfriend," he repeated looking dreamily.

"Yes, girlfriend!" she retorted and got up, pulling him up and planting another kiss on his lips.

He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in for a deeper kiss and she eagerly embraced him. With his left hand pressed against the small of her back and his right cupping her face, the kiss seemed to last forever, but at the same time not long enough.

They pulled apart, both having trouble breathing. "I hope the handshake is what sealed the business deal," she gasped. "You don't act like that in business, do you?"

"You started the kissing!" he exclaimed.

"True," she replied, "you're just irresistible." They both smiled at that. Then she sobered up and continued, "But when we work together, we'll have to focus on the work."

He thought for a few seconds, then replied, "Well, we'll have to kiss more away from work." He tried to keep the smile from his face, but failed completely.

She grinned, "You better!"

They kissed again, just losing themselves in it. Both thinking about how lucky they were finding the other.

Chuck had to take some calls from Morgan on the old software line that afternoon, so Sarah spent a couple of hours finishing reading everything and jotting down notes. When she finished, she popped her head into the room he was in (and on the phone still) and waved. He told Morgan to hold for a second. "You're off to get ready for our date?" he asked.

"Yup. See you later."

Sarah wanted to dress up for the evening, so will buy a new dress for the occasion. She also knew she was ready to take their relationship to the next level and wanted to prepare for that too.

Chinese restaurant, that evening

This time, she'd picked him up and they'd gone to a Chinese restaurant.

After a lovely meal, Sarah looked into those chocolate eyes. She could gaze into his eyes forever. She thought for a while and then nodded to herself. "Chuck?"

His dreamy expression came back into focus. "Yes, Beautiful?"

That distracted her. She smirked, "Beautiful, huh?"

He looked down, embarrassed. "Sorry, I shouldn't have just called you that."

She moved around to sit on his lap. "Thank you. I'm glad you think so. You're pretty special too." She kissed him passionately.

A fellow diner walking passed made the inevitable comment, "Get a room."

They pulled apart, gasping for breath. Sarah just looked at him. "I've got a room, and it's a lot closer than your house."

She grabbed his hand, throwing down two one-hundred dollar bills and dragged him to her car, while thinking she was so glad she'd gone shopping that day and that she was wearing what she'd bought.

Somehow, they made it to her room. In the elevator, the passionate kiss and his hands on her nearly stopped them getting there. Then she had to find her key, while totally distracted. When she managed to open it, they almost fell into the room.

They staggered to the bed; lips still locked.

They didn't get much sleep that night.

A/N: So, he wasn't frightened off, far from it. Next step taken. Maybe working together will work out too? She hasn't told him everything yet, though. You probably know what's left. Coming up next chapter.

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