Absence Makes the Heart Grow Wronger
Harley Quinn clutched the Joker's hand, so tightly her knuckles were almost whiter than his. Her entire body was shaking as she fought to hold back tears, which forced themselves from her eyes despite her resolution not to cry. Joker said nothing, but his hand held hers equally tightly.
At last, Harley drew in a deep breath. "Is it true?" she asked. "Or is this some twisted joke just to see how I'll react?"
"I know how you'll react – the way you're reacting now," retorted Joker. "Which is no fun at all. You're so predictable, Harley, and predictability kills a joke. So no, it's not a joke."
"And you're sure there's no other way?" she pressed.
"I can't think of one, can you?" asked Joker. "Don't you agree that my idea is a good one?"
"Yeah," said Harley. "Good as in practical, but not good as in…good."
"If there was another way, I wouldn't do this, you know that," he said.
"I know," said Harley, nodding. "I trust you."
"You have to trust me, or this won't work," said Joker.
"I'd have to be crazy to trust you, that's what everyone says," murmured Harley, smiling at him through her tears.
He raised his hand to her face, wiping her tears gently away with his thumb. "Well, crazy is what my Harley Quinn is all about," he murmured, smiling.
She kissed him tenderly. "So when do we do this?"
"As soon as possible," said Joker. "I don't want to risk any longer than necessary. And we have to do it big – lots of publicity, TV, newspapers, eyewitnesses. I want this talked about far and wide for a good long time, with lots of media speculation to keep it in the public eye. You think you can handle that?"
"I'll do what I have to," replied Harley. "As always."
"And you'll have to do your part," he added. "In making it seem real to everyone. I've had lots of practice with that, but it's relatively new to you. But you can do it, right?"
"It'll be the hardest thing ever, but I can do it," said Harley, nodding.
"That's my girl," he said, kissing her forehead.
"One of the hardest things will be having to deal with all the smug gloating from people who think they know us better than we do," sighed Harley. "We gotta prove them right, at least temporarily, and that'll sting most of all."
"We'll kill 'em all later, how about that?" asked Joker. "Keep a list of 'em, and just imagine the look in their eyes when we show up to murder 'em together. The thought of that will keep you going. It'll certainly keep me going."
Harley smiled at him. "It'll be hard for you too," she murmured. "I know you'll never admit it. But really the hardest thing for me will be thinking of you, and how you're suffering…"
"You'd better practice not caring about that right now," interrupted Joker. "It takes a lot of practice not to show it, believe me."
"I know," said Harley, smiling. "Especially if you're the kinda person who wears their emotions on their sleeve, as I am since becoming Harley Quinn. If I had stayed Dr. Quinzel, maybe I'd be better at it."
"You regret it?" asked Joker. "I mean, you knew this kinda stuff was a risk when you got involved with me."
"What kinda stupid question is that?" asked Harley. "Of course I don't regret it. When I think of what my life was, and what it is now…there's just no comparison. I'm happy…or at least I was."
"And you will be again," he said, nodding. "I promise. I'm the Joker, and spreading smiles is what I do. Even if you have to go through a lotta pain first."
"I think pain is practically guaranteed with you," retorted Harley. "Fortunately I love it."
She squeezed his hand. "So can we have one last playtime?"
"What kinda stupid question is that?" repeated Joker, grinning.
They kissed softly, but it grew rougher…and then a series of wailing cries came from the bedroom.
Harley drew away reluctantly. "I better go take care of them."
"I'll come with," said Joker, standing up and following her into the bedroom, where their twin babies, Arleen and J.J., lay crying in their crib.
"There, there, babies," said Harley, picking them up and rocking them. "There, there, it's ok."
"Come to Daddy," said Joker, holding out his arms. Harley handed the children over and he took over rocking them, cooing and making funny faces at them until they stopped crying and started smiling. "See? Spreading smiles is what I do," he said, grinning at Harley as he handed the babies back.
Harley lay them back down in their crib and they yawned, curling up and closing their eyes. "I hope they won't remember…they're only three months old," murmured Harley, gazing at the children with tears in her eyes. "This…won't affect them much, will it? I mean, later in life."
"You're the shrink – you tell me," retorted Joker. "I know I don't remember anything from when I was three months old, but then I also don't remember anything from when I was like thirty. So there's that."
"They'll be fine," said Harley, trying to sound confident. "We'll be fine…"
She trailed off as the tears spilled from her eyes again. She wiped them resolutely away, heading for the door. "We'd better set the stage," she said. "I'll call Red – she's a good place to start gossip from."
"Good idea," agreed Joker, nodding. "After you're done, we'll see about that playtime. Assuming these annoying kids don't interrupt us again."
Harley smiled sadly, and left the room. Joker remained, staring down at his babies. He gently lay his hands on their tiny heads, and they sighed contentedly. "You kids be good for Mommy," he murmured. "She'll need all the help she can get, the useless brat. If you're good for her, she might not screw this up, although it'll be a miracle."
He stroked their soft, fuzz-like hair. "Nobody is gonna hurt you, I promise," he whispered. "If anyone tries to lay a finger on you, I'll butcher 'em into tiny pieces. They'll wish they'd never been born for threatening my kiddos. Mommy is gonna protect you too, and she'll do a good enough job. You'll be safe. That's all that matters."
He bent down and kissed them both. "Which is quite the joke, when you think about it," he whispered, smiling. They sighed, stretching tiny hands out toward him. He held them, saying nothing and just gazing at them. Then he turned away and returned to the living room, where Harley was sobbing on the phone.
"I just don't know what's gotten into him, Red!" Harley sobbed. "He's a monster! I guess it's the stress of the babies or something! I thought he could deal with it, but he can't, and I can't keep my kids around someone I don't trust with 'em! What if he hits them next?! I can take a black eye, but they…they can't!"
Joker sat down across from her, calmly reaching for a cigarette and lighting it. He couldn't hear Poison Ivy's response, but he heard the rage in her voice from across the room.
"No, Red, I can't stay in Gotham!" exclaimed Harley. "And he'll know I've gone to see you as usual! I gotta get away someplace where he'll never find me or the kiddies! You'll help me, won't you? Get settled in an apartment and everything…yeah, you were right. I was a fool for not listening to you. I'll…I'll call you again once I'm packed and he's asleep, so I'll have time to get the babies ready. Ok. See you soon."
She hung up the phone, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Her ego will be through the roof right now," commented Joker, blowing out a cloud of smoke. "Don't let her gloat too much."
"You know Red," said Harley, with a sad smile. "We should have the fallout at her place – you come to drag me back tomorrow morning and we'll have a big fight. Ruining some of her property should make me feel a little bit better anyway, and mitigate the gloating somewhat."
"Good plan," agreed Joker. He held out the cigarette to her, and she took it, inhaling deeply and coughing.
"That's awful!" she gasped.
"It's meant to relax you," he said.
"Well, it does take your mind off whatever is bothering you by making you focus on trying not to gag," agreed Harley. "So that's something."
He grinned at her. "What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?" he asked. "So fragile you can't even handle a little smoke."
"I'll show you what I can handle!" snapped Harley. "I'll handle all this crap I gotta do, and then some! I'll handle you by giving you the ass-kicking of your life!"
"Yeah?" asked Joker, raising his eyebrows. "Sounds like fighting words to me."
"Bring it," said Harley, beckoning him. "You owe me a black eye, after all. But not too loud or we'll wake up the kiddies again. And we can't get too tired out fighting tonight – we gotta save some energy for tomorrow."
"We gotta store up energy after tomorrow," retorted Joker. "So we might as well splurge while we can."
"You had to remind me, you jerk," sighed Harley.
"Feel like punching me in the face, huh?" asked Joker, grinning.
Harley grinned back, and kissed him tenderly. And then she socked him in the jaw.
As usual with the clown couple, the fighting and violence ignited a romantic mood, and when it was all over, they lay in each other's arms, not saying a word.
"Puddin'?" asked Harley at last.
"Hmm?" he asked.
"Are you sure I can do this?" she whispered.
He smiled, and kissed the top of her head. "Kid, you can do anything," he retorted. "Now stop doubting yourself like an idiot and get some sleep. You're gonna need it."
She smiled back, cuddling into his embrace and shutting her eyes. "I love you," she murmured. "I don't know when I'll get to say that again, and just in case I don't…"
"You will," he interrupted. "I told the kiddies, and I'm telling you. I'm gonna take care of this, and once I do, everything will be back to normal. I promise."
Harley nodded. "I trust you, puddin'," she said.
"You'd better," he agreed, holding her tightly. "Whatever happens, you'd better."