Harley awoke to a loud, persistent knocking on her door. "If that's Jimmy this early, I swear I'm gonna kill him," she muttered, throwing on her robe and heading to the door. She stopped by the kitchen to grab a knife from the drawer. "It's bad enough being ridiculously helpful, but being ridiculously helpful in the early morning is just beyond the pale."

She opened the door with a glare on her face and with her knife raised, and was greeted with the Joker's beaming smile. "Hello, Columbina," he murmured.

"Mr. J…" she gasped, but then he had seized her in his arms and was kissing her. She sobbed in relief, returning the kiss. "How did you find me?" she gasped. "How did you know…"

"I got the joke, kiddo," he murmured. "Columbina Delart, Columbina from the Commedia dell'arte, just like Harlequin. Columbina, the character of many disguises, and the only one smart enough to see things as they truly are. Columbina Delart. My Harley Quinn."

"Oh, Mr. J!" she gasped, kissing him again. "Mr. J, oh God, I missed you so much! You don't know what I've been through since coming here! People were so nice and helpful, which seemed good at first, but it just got on my nerves in the end! They were just too nice and too helpful all the time! It was weird, like I was dealing with a race of aliens or something, when all I wanted was for someone to tell me to get off my useless ass and get to work! But instead all I got was kindness and people offering favors! It was hell!"

"It's over now, pumpkin pie," said Joker, embracing her soothingly. "Daddy's here, and he's gonna insult you and order you around like nobody's business. I was in hell without you too, y'know."

"Yeah?" asked Harley, smiling at him hopefully.

"Yeah," he agreed, nodding. "Had to do my own cooking and picking up after myself and everything. Plus I tortured and murdered the guy who sent the letter in the old hideout, and his blood went all over my clothes, so you've got your housework cut out for you when we get back."

Harley smiled, kissing him again. "I missed you too, puddin'," she said. "C'mon, c'mon in – I know some babies that are gonna be happy to see you!" she exclaimed, dragging him inside.

"Who was the knife for, pumpkin?" asked Joker. "Can't have been me since you weren't expecting me, although you know I'm always up for a little knife-play."

"Oh, it was for my neighbor," said Harley, tossing it back in the drawer. "I thought you were him. He's been overly helpful, and waking me up early to be overly helpful was the last straw. I woulda stabbed him in the face."

"Sounds like fun!" said Joker. "We can do that later to celebrate!"

"Nah, he don't really deserve it," sighed Harley. "He's a good kid. Just…too nice. But everyone here is – it's so bizarre. I'll be insanely happy to get back to Gotham where people just glare suspiciously at each other all the time. This is like some kinda urban hippy commune, and I hate it, all this peace and love crap."

"Yeah, I know my doll has a homicidal streak, which I've really missed, I gotta say," said Joker. "But don't you worry, we'll spread a little violence and mayhem in Metropolis – I promised Lexy he'd get to try out his new vigilante persona, Baldman. Hopefully he can before that spoilsport Superman shows up."

"Puddin', we can't just go on a rampage – we gotta look after the kiddies," said Harley.

"Actually, I brought along a babysitter," said Joker. "Trixie owes me a favor. It'll be just like old times, baby, and trust me, that's a good thing to get outta your system. When you were gone, I thought maybe it'd be good to revisit old times on my own. But I realized I didn't actually miss them like I thought I would. And now we can revisit old times with just the two of us, and I'm betting it'll make us even more appreciative of our little family. After all, we were a pretty good double act. But the kiddies are just gonna improve it, I guarantee it."

"I know they are, puddin'," murmured Harley, tears in her eyes. She led him into the bedroom, where the hyenas were still curled up lazily on the bed, and the twins were asleep in their crib. At the scent of Joker, the hyenas' ears perked up, and they bounded off the bed, racing over to him with their tails wagging and barking madly. The noise woke the twins, who began squalling loudly at the disturbance. Their crying was calmed instantly as their father raced over to them and lifted them in his arms – the cries were replaced by a happy cooing and giggling.

"That's how we all feel, babies," murmured Harley, putting her arms around Joker's neck and leaning on his shoulder.

A knock came on the door at that moment. "I'll get it," said Harley, heading for the door. "You stay here with the kiddies."

She opened it to see Jimmy standing there. "Morning, Columbina," he said, smiling at her. "I heard some noises from down here and wanted to make sure you were all right."

"I'm just great, Jimmy, just great!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "And you should probably be the first to know, considering how helpful you've been and all – the kiddies' father is here, we've reconciled, and we're going back to Gotham!"

"Oh. Well, that's…good, if you're happy," said Jimmy, slowly. "What about his working for the Joker? Has he promised to stop doing that?"

"Yeah, it might be a little difficult for him to distance himself from the Joker," said Harley, glancing inside. "The truth is, Jimmy…I lied about who I am. My name isn't Columbina, it's…"

"Harley, who's this?" asked Joker, heading over to join her at the door with the twins in his arms.

Jimmy stared at him in shock as Harley explained, "This is Jimmy Olsen, my neighbor who I was telling you about, Mr. J. He's been really helpful since I came here with the kiddies and the babies."

"But not too helpful, I hope," said Joker, smiling threateningly at Jimmy.

"Mr. J, you are so jealous!" sighed Harley, rolling her eyes. "The last guy he got jealous of, he tied a bomb to his chest and exploded him," she explained, turning back to Jimmy. "He's so silly about it – as if he ever had any reason to be jealous! But I actually think it's kinda sweet – shows he really cares when he maims and mutilates people just for trying to get their hands on me. It shows me I'm his special girl who means so much to him…"

"Or conversely, I'm not really jealous at all and I just like exploding people for fun," interrupted Joker, still smiling at Jimmy. "I know you, don't I? You work for the newspaper, right? The Daily Planet?"

"Uh…yes, that's right," stammered Jimmy.

"So you're saying you're a journalist, and you couldn't figure out this was Harley Quinn?" Joker asked, gesturing at Harley. "I mean, I know she wears a costume and makeup and stuff usually, but I woulda thought the hyenas would have been a dead giveaway."

"Oh, don't even get me started on journalists missing the bleeding obvious," sighed Harley, rolling her eyes. "I'm still convinced that Clark Kent guy is Superman in disguise, and not even a very good disguise, but it fools these people."

"I don't understand…you lied to me?" stammered Jimmy. "Why would you do that? That's not a nice thing to do…"

"No, but it's a smart thing to do when you're meant to be keeping your identity secret," retorted Harley. "Like Superman, by the way. Besides, I'm not really a nice person, Jimmy. I mean, it's fine for you to be one, but it's just not for me, all that being kind and helpful stuff. I spent years as a doctor trying to be like that, and it didn't make me happy. Not like Mr. J," she sighed, gazing at him adoringly. "Anyway, I do honestly appreciate all your help, and because of that, I'm not gonna let Mr. J explode you," she continued, patting Jimmy on the shoulder. "I'm gonna let him take his violent urges out on me, which is what I like best anyway. See, not everyone likes nice, Jimmy. Maybe the world would be a better place if they did, but personally I think it'd be a pretty boring place in that case, and definitely not someplace I'd want to live. You're never gonna change human nature, no matter how much Superman tries to mold everyone into weird compassionate aliens. That's just not who we are, and as you've seen, people are always gonna disappoint you no matter how good you try to be. So the sooner you confront the general crappiness of human nature, the better. As a psychiatrist, I'd recommend getting treatment for that, so you can learn to help others only when there's something in it for you, like normal people do. Trying to help other people outta pure altruism – it's just unnatural!" she sighed.

"You can say that again, pumpkin pie," agreed Joker, shutting the door in Jimmy's face. "Freak."

Jimmy stared at the door for a long time until he heard what sounded like shouting and fighting from within. He thought about interrupting, but then thought better of it, climbing the stairs to his apartment again. "Well, it was nice of them not to kill me anyway," he said to himself. "It just goes to show that kindness is contagious, just like Superman says."