The first sign Superman had that something was wrong was when Jimmy entered the Daily Planet that morning with a forlorn expression and a deflated greeting of, "Morning, Clark."
"Morning, Jimmy," Superman replied. "You ok?"
"Yeah, just a little disoriented," sighed Jimmy. "Turned out my neighbor Columbina was lying to me about who she was, and who her supposed ex-husband was too. Turns out he wasn't working for the Joker – he was the Joker. Which makes her Harley Quinn. I found out this morning when they reconciled…"
"When they what?" interrupted Superman, but he was suddenly distracted by a huge explosion outside.
"Oh my God, disaster time, all hands on deck!" exclaimed Lois, with something like glee in her voice. "Jimmy, camera, now! Coming, Clark?" she demanded, as everyone else rushed out of the office.
"In a second, Lois – I just gotta finish filing this…" began Clark.
"God, you are such a nerd!" sighed Lois, rolling her eyes. "If you're Superman, I'm the worst reporter in the world!"
"You have no idea," sighed Superman, waiting for the building to empty as everyone ran off to cover the explosion. He then removed his glasses and ripped opened his shirt to reveal the S symbol, and then leapt out the window, flying over to the scene of the explosion.
He was not surprised to see the Joker and Harley Quinn dancing to some music only they could hear in the remains of a ruined building while the fires burned around them. "Harley, I'm very disappointed in you," Superman said, flying down to stand in front of them with his arms folded across his chest. "I trusted you, and gave you the benefit of the doubt, believing you wanted to start your life again in Metropolis, and that you were turning over a new leaf…"
"That makes you a gullible sucker, doesn't it?" interrupted Harley. "Just like everyone I know, apparently. I can't believe so many people think Mr. J and I would just end things after all we've been through together, and especially now that we got the kiddies!"
"I think most of us are baffled as to why you'd want to raise children with a homicidal maniac," retorted Superman. "Rather than getting them safely away from him before he can hurt them."
"Mr. J would never hurt the babies!" sighed Harley, rolling her eyes. "He did all this to protect them! Just because he likes to make other people the punchlines to his jokes doesn't mean he wants to make them one, honestly! Can you believe this guy?" she asked, gesturing to Superman.
"Actually, I can," sighed Joker. "His type are far too common, sadly. To them, homicidal maniac means just one thing. They can't believe that there are many varieties of homicidal maniac, from the psychotic nutjob cutting himself and speaking in tongues to a more smooth, competent criminal such as myself. There's a spectrum of insanity, and I'm certainly not on the murdering my own children end of it. Other people's children, sure, but not mine. They came from me, after all, and I love myself. And even I'm not crazy enough to kill what I love most. It's why I never kill Bats, incidentally."
"That wasn't something I wanted to hear, and yet, I did," muttered a familiar voice from the shadows.
"What are you doing here, Batman?" asked Superman. "I thought you were heading back to Gotham."
"It's a good thing I didn't, isn't it?" demanded Batman. "I knew you couldn't handle these people in your city any more than I can handle them in mine."
"Be that as it may, I don't need your help handling them now," retorted Superman.
"Ladies, please, don't fight!" chuckled Joker. "Nobody wants to see Batman vs. Superman again, am I right?"
"Where are your children?" demanded Batman. "I'm taking them back to Gotham along with the rest of you."
"On your left," said Harley, nodding. Batman turned as the hyenas sprang at him. He brought his arm up to cover his face, but Superman had already grabbed the hyenas by their leashes, and tied them to a post.
"Where are your real children?!" demanded Batman, rounding on them again.
"They're in good hands, Batsy," replied Joker. "Which yours aren't, no offense. How many children in your care have been murdered or maimed by me now? Isn't it like three? And I don't even try that hard, so that's mostly negligence on your part…"
"It doesn't matter – Superman has x-ray vision and he'll find them," interrupted Batman. "And when he does, he'll put them in the care of the city."
"In Metropolis," agreed Superman, nodding. "That's a much better place for kids to grow up than Gotham."
"What's wrong with Gotham?" demanded Batman.
"Do you want a list?" asked Superman.
"Hey, don't talk about Gotham that way!" snapped Joker. "It may be a hellhole, but it's our hellhole!"
"Well, forgive me for not wanting any child to grow up in a hellhole," retorted Superman. "I'm sure that can only lead to children growing up damaged…"
"Are you calling me damaged?" demanded Batman.
"Don't let him talk to you like that, Bats!" snapped Joker. "Batsy is no more damaged than I am! We're the model of mental health, aren't we, pal?"
"You stay out of this!" snapped Batman.
"Don't talk to puddin' like that!" snapped Harley. "He's just trying to defend you, God knows why! But I gotta say, I'd much rather raise my kids in Gotham than in this weird cult city! I used to complain about how everyone in Gotham worshipped the Bat, but it's nothing compared to the way the citizens of this place salivate over this alien whackjob! Who the hell do you think you are, pal, coming down from space and telling everyone how to live their lives? Do you know how much damage you've inflicted on ordinary citizens, teaching 'em to be helpful and kind and empathetic? I'm a shrink, and I'm telling you, too much compassion is just as bad for people as too little! It makes 'em unable to handle conflict, and life is full of conflict. You're really hurting 'em by not teaching 'em about the inherent evil in everyone, so they assume evil is just something that other people are born with, but not them. It makes them underestimate their own capacity for evil, and that's dangerous. At least you can point to Batsy and list all his obvious faults, but you hide 'em behind this weird nice guy mask! No wonder Lex has such a hard time fighting against you – anybody who questions you and your methods has gotta be evil, right? Because you're such a nice guy, your opponents can't be anything but monstrous! At least you can't say the same for Bats!"
"I'd say that people in your city could certainly do with a little more kindness," retorted Superman. "Then maybe they wouldn't be killing each other all the time, and maybe they wouldn't need a guy dressed in a bat costume to handle things! I'm trying to empower people to be their own heroes…"
"Oh, shut up!" snapped Batman. "You're trying to have everyone worship you as some perfect God who's so far above humanity that he'll never have to deal with them or the messes they make! You think you can just wish away human imperfections because you've never had any! You don't understand what it's like to be human, and you'll never understand that, no matter how long you've been here!"
"Tell him, Bats!" cheered Joker. "Go back to your own planet, ya alien freak!"
"My planet was destroyed!" snapped Superman.
"Oh, and because of that we gotta let you live here, huh?" demanded Joker. "Aren't there any other planets in the universe that might have taken you in? How about Uranus? Or Pluto, that's a planet again now! How many planets did you pass before you decided to be a god on this one, with our atmosphere giving you magical abilities? I bet it was just a coincidence you decided to stay here rather than some other planet where you might have just been a normal guy. That would never have satisfied an egotist like you, would it, Saint Superman?"
"Are you really calling me an egotist?" demanded Superman. "You're a man who just destroyed most of your own city because you were mad your girlfriend left you!"
"Yeah, which is a reasonable motivation for destruction!" retorted Joker. "It's human – you get it. Well, maybe you don't get it…"
"Enough – I'm taking you in," said Superman, reaching out to grab Joker, but Batman stepped in front of him.
"I'm taking him back to Gotham," he growled.
"You can do that later, but I'm arresting him now…" began Superman.
"The hell you are!" shouted Joker. "Get him, Bats!"
"Batman, don't try it…" began Superman.
"Don't tell me what to do!" roared Batman, shoving Superman away.
"Fight, fight, fight!" shouted Harley, banging her fists in the air.
"Batman, I'm not fighting you, because it's unfair," said Superman. "I could knock you out with a flick of my finger…"
"I won the last time," growled Batman.
"You had Kryptonite," retorted Superman.
"And what makes you think I don't now?" demanded Batman. "You don't know what I've got in my utility belt - it's lead lined."
"You know Kryptonite is radioactive, right?" asked Superman. "If you keep it on you long term, it can lead to radiation poisoning…"
"Which would explain a lot," finished Joker.
"Shut up!" shouted Batman. "This is between me and Superman!"
"Ok. C'mon, Harl," said Joker, heading over to untie the hyenas. "We'll leave the children to fight. Although frankly our children are better behaved and they're three months old…"
"You're not going anywhere!" snapped Superman, lunging forward again.
"No, I'm getting them!" shouted Batman, also lunging forward. They collided with each other, and Joker and Harley and the hyenas raced off while they were distracted.
"Come on – we have to catch them!" exclaimed Superman. "Why don't you climb on my back so we can move faster?"
"No thanks," growled Batman, dashing after them. Superman sighed and flew off, scanning the street below for Joker and Harley and their pets. He caught sight of them and flew down, with the hyenas leaping up to try to bite him as he descended.
"Out of the way!" shouted Batman, who jumped down from the building above and attempted to tackle Joker. Batman crashed into Superman instead, and fell to the ground.
"Why don't you watch where you're going?" demanded Batman.
"Why don't you?" retorted Superman.
"I'm not the one with the x-ray vision!" shouted Batman.
"Speaking of x-ray vision, try these specs on for size!" chuckled Joker, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a pair of x-ray glasses. He put them on, and laser beams instantly shot out of the lenses, straight at Superman and Batman.
"Oops, sorry, those weren't x-ray specs!" chuckled Joker, as they dodged out of the way. "Those were laser specs! You know, it's so hard to tell when people don't label things," he sighed, glancing pointedly at Harley.
"I haven't had time to label anything, puddin' – didn't you just get these toys?" asked Harley.
"Yeah, stole 'em from Lexy," said Joker. "Santa's been real good to him, even though I'm sure he's on the naughty list. I wonder what this one does," he said, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a gun.
He fired it, and a bullet shot out. Superman leapt in front of Batman to protect him, and then gasped in pain as he fell to the ground, clutching his chest. "Oooh, Kryptonite gun!" exclaimed Joker. "We can have all kindsa fun with that! What did you swipe, Harl?"
"Just this weird paperweight," said Harley, reaching into her bag and pulling out a green ball, which she tossed between her hands. Superman gasped again, convulsing sharply.
"Oooh, Kryptonite baseball!" exclaimed Joker. "Harley, go long!"
"All right, batter up, puddin' – here comes the pitch!" exclaimed Harley, aiming the ball as Joker squared up next to Superman, holding an imaginary bat.
"Swing and a miss, strike one!" exclaimed Joker, swinging as Harley pitched the ball, which headed straight for Superman's head. Batman caught it just before it hit him.
"Guess they don't call you Batman for nothing, right, pally?" chuckled Joker.
"I'm not susceptible to Kryptonite, as you know," growled Batman, advancing on him.
"Nah, but you are to other things," said Joker. "Like rocks, for example."
Batman ducked as Harley threw a round rock which barely missed his skull. "Swing and a miss, strike two!" exclaimed Joker.
"Really? You've run out of toys and you're using rocks?" demanded Batman. "You must be getting desperate."
"Maybe," said Joker, smiling at him. "Or maybe I still have an ace up my sleeve."
Harley threw another projectile, which Batman avoided, but which collided with the building behind him. It was only after the giant explosion which knocked him down that he realized it had been a bomb. Through the ringing in his ears, he managed to hear Joker shouting, "Strike three, you're out!" And then hysterical laughter getting farther and farther away.
"Come on," gasped Superman, helping Batman to his feet. "We can't lose them."
Batman staggered after Superman as they ran after Joker and Harley. The clown couple ran into a building with the hyenas hot on their heels. Both Superman and Batman tried to follow them, but the door was slammed in their faces.
"Private property, freaks!" shouted Joker, pointing at the sign on the door that read Property of LexCorp – no trespassers. This means you, Superman.
"Like a sign's gonna stop me from anything…" began Batman, trying to wrench the door open, but Superman held it shut.
"Batman, it's private property," he said, gesturing to it. "We can't just break and enter. That's not a heroic thing to do."
"It is if we're catching criminals!" snapped Batman.
"You can't excuse breaking the law like that," retorted Superman. "Well, maybe you can…"
"You're saying we should let them go just to respect property rights?" demanded Batman. "Some things are more important…"
"That's not for us to decide," interrupted Superman. "If we're heroes, we should try and obey the laws that are in place, not make laws of our own. That's not heroism – that's just vigilantism. And the reason I'm not the power-hungry god Joker accused me of being is that I respect the rules and laws humanity has laid down for their own good. You should think about that sometime," he added.
Batman glared from him to Joker, who thumbed his nose at him through the glass of the door, while Harley stuck out her tongue. Every muscle in his body tightened as his hands balled into fists. "If you try and get through that door, I'll knock you out," said Superman.
It was a risk Batman was willing to take – he launched his fist toward the glass…and was knocked out with one punch from Superman.
"I'll get you both when you leave," announced Superman, nodding at them and flying off. "And you have to leave sometime to pick up your kids."
"God, it's almost too easy!" sighed Joker, as he and Harley headed into the building with the hyenas laughing behind them. "Heroes gonna hero, I guess. That's the problem with most of them - far too predictable. That's why I like Batsy the best - he's just slightly unhinged enough to be unpredictable, unlike these rule following, boy scout types. Anyway, when we do wanna leave, Lex said he'd give us a ride home in his limo. And Superman won't break into his car any more than he will one of his buildings."
"That's generous of Lex," commented Harley.
"Yeah, generous," agreed Joker. "It's mostly because he thinks if he helps me out, I won't sell the papers the photo I got of him and Trixie together. Poor, gullible Lexy," he sighed, shaking his head. "He should really know by now that I'll do whatever I think is the most fun anyway, no matter what promises I make."
"I guess some people just don't get you, puddin'," sighed Harley, leaning against his shoulder. "Lex, Superman, Batsy, all our friends, Carl Bennett…"
"Now I think poor Carl just believed that having kids changed me," interrupted Joker. "He thought being a father had softened me up a little, and that I wouldn't murder him horribly because of that. He was wrong. Anyway, nobody really gets me but you, dollface," he added, kissing her cheek. "But I like to think I can still surprise you."
"That's what makes our relationship so exciting," agreed Harley. "Never really knowing what you're gonna try next."
"Yep," agreed Joker. "Like this, for instance."
He opened the door in front of them to reveal Ruby playing with Arleen and J.J. while Trixie supervised. "Nice of Lex to let you use his office for babysitting," commented Joker.
"Yeah, he's remarkably cooperative when you've got dirt on him," retorted Trixie with a grin. "As you can see, the kids are glad you're back," she said, picking the twins up and handing them to their parents, as they cooed and giggled appreciatively.
"Well, I am – Harley's got some work to do," said Joker.
"I do?" asked Harley, confused.
"Yeah," said Joker, nodding as he headed over to a suitcase. He opened it to reveal a bunch of clothes covered in blood, wrinkled and tossed haphazardly in the trunk. "My laundry kinda piled up while you were away, so you should probably get on it now so you don't get behind on your other chores when we're back in Gotham."
Harley stared at him. "You brought your dirty laundry with you...for me to take care of?" she asked, slowly.
"Yeah, wasn't it thoughtful of me, pooh?" asked Joker, smiling at her. "So you can spread the work out rather than running yourself ragged at home. And I'm here to look after the kiddos, so you're free to get back to what's really important in your life."
"And that's your laundry, huh?" asked Harley, skeptically.
"Well, it's important to my image and reputation that I'm well-dressed, and basically my image and reputation is all I've got," said Joker, shrugging. "So if I'm important to you, my laundry is important to you."
Harley glared at him. "You're gonna get such a beating for this," she muttered, grabbing the suitcase.
"Looking forward to it, pumpkin pie!" said Joker, kissing her cheek as he returned to entertaining the children.
Harley sighed, dragging the suitcase out the door. Then she brightened instantly. "Well, I'm gonna get to beat him for his selfishness, which is more than I could with that selfless Jimmy guy," she said. "That's the thing about dating a bad guy – there's always something to punish him for. Unlike those weird nice guys – what do women involved with them do with their rage? I mean, they must have to be nice all the time too, right? Otherwise you'd feel bad snapping at a guy who's done nothing wrong, and then you're the jerk. That must be horrible, keeping it all locked inside, and God knows what kinda damage that kinda repression does in the long term. At least with Mr. J, we have a fight, and it's over. No repression, and no resentment. If I had to keep my anger all bottled up inside, I'd go crazy. Just like I did before I was Harley Quinn, and look how that turned out. Nope, I'll keep my loveable jerk, thanks," she said, hoisting the suitcase over her shoulders. "And you can keep your nice guys. That kinda relationship is really gonna damage your self-esteem, probably irrecoverably in the long run. Poor people," she sighed, dragging the suitcase down the stairs.