Harry Gains a Harem
Part 1 of 2
Warning: this is most definitely a parody and quite probably a crackfic.
Harem fics are fun to parody. It's true what they say - no sane eleven-year-old falls into an inheritance and instantly acquires seven bona-fide romantic (or god forbid, even closer) attachments. Plus, I'm sure Ron would want to join in. And Hermione would find a reverse harem logically sound...
So here's what happens when Luna is the only one in the know, everyone is dosed on Carefree Potion, and it spirals from there.
No, I do not own Harry Potter. His harem does. (J.K, it's Rowling)
Staying over at the Weasleys was a lot of fun, and it was made even better when Hermione came over, even if it was only for the day. Not even the appearance of an oversized blonde git or two could spoil the day, and when they got home, the combined Potter-Weasley-Granger clan, because Molly could never stop herself adopting more children, ran out into the fields to play and explore and generally do what children do before they become teenagers and suddenly gain an overinflated sense of dignity. Even Ginny managed to get over her crippling shyness with regards to the boy-who-lived and was able to calmly ask him (well, as calmly as you can be when being pursued by twin brothers with beaters' bats) to pass her a large rock.
They bandaged Fred up with a couple of leaves and some sticky tape as Ginny and Hermione held George hostage with a tape cutter and a Beginner's Guide to Runes, and once they'd extracted a no-head-crushing agreement they ran off again into the hills to roam, a few brooms on hand and a battered Quaffle under Ginny's arm. Fred wondered if it was such a good idea to dose everyone's tea with Carefree Potions, but dismissed it as quickly as the idea showed up. After the whole debacle, it was nice to run around and be free. Harry in particular found it wonderful; something he had never been able to do growing up was always something to throw himself whole-hearted into and this felt like liquid candy (Hermione denied you could get addicted to runner's high, and also that it caused genuine physiological effects akin to certain substances, but certain people doubted it).
After some time they came across a tower and a girl with large blue eyes and straggly blonde hair; and Ginny kicked up enough of a fuss that they all agreed to take on one more person. Thus was born the Potter-Weasley-Granger-Lovegood clan, a rather horrific amalgamation that would later claim a number of Death Eater lives, responsibility for an Eldritch abomination residing in the lake, and an inordinate quantity of waffles at the breakfast table. They played a friendly game of Quidditch that was actually a lot more like throwing Beater's bats and using them to hit the Quaffle dangerously close to poor Mr Lovegood's windows while Hermione sat on the grass, played referee, and read her book. Harry wondered if attaching sticks to a beater's bat classified it as an axe and therefore warranted a penalty shot if Luna attacked him with it; Hermione said no, that would be some kind of mace or bludgeon, and there were no rules against that.
When they were all tired, they crashed to the ground (Ron landed on top of Harry and the latter would claim for the rest of the day his foot would never be the same) and sat around, talking about school and life and whether or not sticking a flower up your nose made it smell nicer. George would later deny he had advocated for sticking flowers directly within the nostrils, but the damage was already done, and most of the school thought him bonkers anyway, so it didn't really matter. In any case, Sniffly Scarlets would make a wonderful selling point for Weasley's Wizard Wheezes in the future – flowers that jumped up your enemies' noses when you offered them! Brilliant!
Eventually, the chatter turned to Lockhart, then fame, then Harry, and eventually the young wizard said the thing that would greatly aid him, in years to come, in the battle against the Dark Lord.
"There's got to be something useful you can do with fame, honestly!"
"Start a charity!" Hermione suggested, swinging her legs from her perch on the Lovegoods' garden wall. "We could help free the House Elves!"
"Buy a Quidditch team," Ron put in. "Or make your own."
"Push for a law mandating everyone wear their pants on their heads on the second Saturday every June," George sniggered.
"Or one forcing people whose names begin with M and end with Y to speak in Pig Latin!" Fred exclaimed with an evil grin.
"Make Percy shut up," Ginny suggested boldly, making her brothers laugh.
"Collect a harem," Luna chirped.
Harry, who had been shaking his head either in rejection or, in Ginny's case, amusement, frowned slightly. Living with the Dursleys, anything that deviated from a nuclear family had been shunned, so he had no clue what a harem was or what it entailed. "What's that?"
"It's like lots and lots of girls," Luna explained, sing-song.
Ron frowned. The last time someone had mentioned the Talk, he had hidden in the pantry beneath the potatoes and stayed there playing Exploding Snape with Ginny for two whole days, so he had no clue what a harem was either. "Why would you want lots and lots of girls?"
"Why wouldn't you?" was Ginny's indignant response.
"Because," Luna said, "Then you'll have lots of very pretty, loyal, butt-kicking… friends. They are more inclined to join your harem because they know you're awesome. The Nargles told me so."
"That makes sense," Harry said thoughtfully. "I'd like more friends. No offense, guys."
Hermione, who despite reading the entire works of Shakespeare three times had never managed to pick up on a single dirty joke (and was therefore missing out on a lot), nodded slowly. "That sounds like a good idea, Harry. After the dragon incident, we could use more allies who won't suddenly hate on us."
Fred and George, who had, the year before, acquired a bootleg Shojou manga off one of the other boys in their year, knew exactly what a harem was, but, devils they were, thought the idea of innocent little Harry collecting five million girlfriends was brilliant. "Go for it," they said in unison.
"Creepy…" Hermione mumbled.
"So how do I start a harem?" Harry asked.
"And can I have one too?" Ron tilted his head. "I can be the first Weasley with a harem."
"Easy, just start collecting girls," Fred said, trying not to cackle evilly.
"Oh, okay," Harry said. "I wonder who would join…"
"I'll be in your harem!" Ginny said loyally, and George nearly gave himself and aneurysm from trying not to laugh. For a moment, both of the twins' protective brother instincts kicked in – and then they were promptly stomped down. For one thing, Harry clearly had no idea how to manage a harem, and besides, Harry was harmless, unlike some others, so if their sister was going to join a harem, it had better be Harry's (and not Ron's. Definitely not Ron's. Both twins made internal retching noises.)
"Who'll be in my harem?" Ron wondered to himself.
"If you call me Luna, and sometimes buy me Fizzing Whizzbees," Luna offered kindly, "I'll be in your harem to start."
"Excellent! I hereby dub you Ginny, boss lady of Harry's harem, and Luna, boss lady of Ron's harem. So mote it be," Fred said grandly.
"Are you joining a harem, Hermione?" George asked.
"Maybe later," Hermione said absently. "Or maybe I'll collect my own?"
"Why would you want to collect girls?" Ron asked. "I thought the other girls annoyed you."
"Not all of them," Hermione rolled her eyes. "And I'd collect boys. Honestly, Ronald."
Fred decided he needed to spike drinks with Carefree Potion more often.
"Oh, Merlin," McGonagall groaned. She picked the sheet of paper off the noticeboard and walked back to the Head of House meeting, where the other three Heads were solemnly sitting around the table, eating biscuits and drinking tea (or, in Snape's case, something that was either concentrated coffee or the souls of the damned).
"Ah, Minerva," Flitwick squeaked, as McGonagall took a seat. "I'm afraid I have some rather – odd – news."
"What is it?" Professor Sprout asked.
"I have a student in first year insisting she's part of a harem," Flitwick said, mouth twitching slightly. "Miss Lovegood."
"A harem?" Professor Snape asked curiously, slightly mellower than usual due to Luna having thoughtfully added half a ton of chamomile to his stock of coffee grounds/damned souls. "I must admit, she is an odd student, if not the usual dunderhead. Does she know what a harem is?"
"I believe so," Flitwick reported. "According to her, it was her idea, and now she's Boss Lady of Ron's Harem."
"Weasley?!" Snape asked incredulously. "Merlin, why?"
Flitwick shrugged.
"I'm having similar problems myself, Filius," McGonagall said gravely. She showed them all the sheet of paper. Filius raised his eyebrows and Snape groaned.
"Good grief, the idiot boy has come into his inheritance."
"He has the same taste in women as his mother, apparently," Flitwick observed.
"James bloody Potter only had one, though," Snape grumbled.
The sheet of paper read:
Do you think Harry Potter is a jolly nice bloke?
Are you willing to be loyal and at least two of the following?
Pretty, kick-butt, horribly insulting to You-Know-Who
If so, sign up for Harry's Harem!
Contact Ginny, Boss Lady of Harry's Harem and Harry Potter for more details
If you want to sign up for Ron's Harem, contact Luna, Boss Lady of Ron's Harem, and Ron Weasley
"It's not just a letter," McGonagall said wearily. "Harry has already acquired two more girls – Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil. Ronald has acquired Hannah Abbot, who cited to me that she didn't want to be in too much danger but thought Ron was a wonderful brave dude with good hair. Colin Creevey, the muggleborn with the camera, tried to join Harry's Harem, but was rejected due to only fulfilling the horribly insulting bit of the criteria. He was quite upset, but then he somehow joined a Reverse Harem belonging to Hermione Granger. My lions are whispering that the test includes charging Erumpets, bludgers, and a six-hour mathematics test."
Actually, Hermione's test included showing up and asking, basic personality vetting, and being able to sit near her without insulting her hair or teeth for five minutes. She had just spread the word about the horribly difficult test to save herself time and filter out the cowards and the idiots. Fred and George helped a lot, since they took the rumours and greatly inflated them
"Are they serious?" Snape asked. "Because if they are, I can brew a potion –"
"No, we're not turning them into women," Flitwick sighed.
"I was going to suggest be turn them into stoats," Snape groused. "I'm not a monster. Weasley as a woman would give my first-years nightmares."
"You're quiet, Pomona," McGonagall said. "What do you think about this?"
Sprout shrugged. "This isn't new to me. Cedric Diggory started building a harem last year. I think it's a good use of good looks."
"Why don't my snakes ever start a harem?" Snape grumbled. "From what I'm hearing it's a good way to take over the world."
As he said this, there was a sharp rapping on the door. McGonagall got up and opened it to find Hermione standing outside. "Miss Granger?"
"Professor," she said, "I need some advice. Would you read this?"
The professor took the letter she held out and read over it, eyebrows rising higher and higher. "Sweet Merlin."
Hermione nodded solemnly. "Malfoy has volunteered to join my Harem."
Snape decided it was time to go back to his quarters, over-eat biscuits, go to sleep, and hope this was a dream. No, an acid trip. His dreams were more sensible than this.
"Caught in the act!" Ernie said dramatically, pointing a finger at Harry.
"Shut up, Ernie!" Hannah, Ron, Hermione, Colin, Luna, Lavender, Parvati, Draco, and Daphne (I'm in it for the chocolate, she said) chorused back. Indeed the Potter-Granger-Weasley-Lovegood clan had become the Potter-Granger-Weasley-Lovegood-Brown-Patil-Creevey-Malfoy-Greengrass-Abbot clan, but Lavender and Parvati had vetoed that as a name, insisting it "wasn't lyrical at all!"
Ernie turned slightly pink as Filch raved on in the background and Susan tentatively poked Justin's face with her index finger. "Well, he's alive."
"Wasn't Justin about to apply for your harem?" Ron asked. He was sure he'd seen a letter like that, but had been busy sorting the prank letters (all of which were sent by Pansy Parkinson) from the genuine ones, so he wasn't sure.
Hermione gasped. "He was!"
"Oh no!" Colin squeaked. "Something attacked me a while ago too and I barely escaped!"
"So someone's out to get us?" Harry asked slowly. "Huh. Just like Dobby said…"
"This is outrageous!" Draco said pompously. "Nobody attacks a clan a Malfoy is part of!"
"Exactly!" Daphne agreed. "Nor do they attack a clan a Greengrass is part of!"
There was a general cheer as the surrounding teachers debated the merits of banning harems.
"Come on," Hermione said, levitating Justin's left foot. Since he was stiff, it was akin to picking up the corner of a plank of wood. "Let's take him to the hospital wing."
So Draco, Colin, Hermione and Hannah picked up Justin using a combination of magic and brute strength and dragged him all the way to the hospital wing, where he was placed on a hospital bed and given a large bunch of flowers and some Fizzing Whizzbees.
Meanwhile, Ginny was looking troubled.
"Is it too much work being Boss Lady of my harem?" Harry asked. "Because if it is…"
"Oh, no," Ginny sighed. "I got this talking diary, see, and he doesn't seem to like me being part of your harem."
"He doesn't?" Harry asked indignantly.
"SHUN THE HATER!" Parvati yelled from across the common room. Considering half of Gryffindor thought Harry was a murderous snake-attack-man (really, it could have been worse), nobody was quite sure how to take this.
"She's right," Lavender sniffed. "What is this boy like, anyway?"
"Well…" Ginny hesitated.
"Mm?" the older girl asked. "As Deputy Boss Lady I have a duty to support you, Ginny. You can tell me or Harry whatever you like."
"Except limericks," Harry said. "I've received fifteen from Pansy Parkinson and they were charmed to play over and over in my head. I'm considering cold-blooded murder."
"Right," Lavender nodded as if that was normal.
"He was nice," Ginny said slowly. "But now he's weird – and sometimes I don't remember where I've been! I'm scared!"
"I think it's obvious what's going on here," Harry said slowly.
"It is indeed," Lavender said gravely.
Hermione looked up from her sixteen-foot extra credit essay on the dynamics of harems in advanced charms. "He's either a murderous Dark Lord…"
"Or he's trying to filch you for his own harem!" Lavender cried in dismay.
"HEY!" Ron exclaimed. "Nobody steals my sister from my best mate!"
"Especially not if they're a murderous Dark Lord!" Fred added.
"POTTER IS A MURDEROUS DARK LORD!" Cormac McLaggen called out.
"AND HE'S OBLIGED TO HATE ALL OTHER UNALLIED DARK LORDS!" George yelled back. "DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DARK LORDS, MCLAGGEN?!"
"What will we do?" Parvati wailed, coming over with a jar of nail polish and another of poison. Lacking the courage to call Lord Voldemort 'Lord Moldywart' as Harry had requested, had instead taken up the kick-ass part of the requirements and decided being able to poison people by scratching them was a really, really, really cool skill to have. "I'm so worried for Ginny, I can't do my nails properly! How can I turn my nails into deadly beautiful weapons if Ginny's in danger? It's smudging over my fingers!"
"Hmm," Harry said. "We obviously need to do something about this diary."
"I know," Ginny sniffed. "It's a nasty diary. I bet it's his fault I've been so tired all the time. My milk was even sour this morning!"
"Sour milk?" Hermione asked slowly.
"Are you thinking…?" Colin squeaked. "That'd make a lovely picture."
"Yes, I agree," Hermione nodded.
"What?" Ron asked.
"We burn it," Hermione said seriously.
"At the stake," Colin added.
McLaggen, who fancied himself as rather brave, promptly fainted. This didn't stop Harry, who jumped to his feet. "Only the best for my Boss Lady! Come on, Ginny, Lavender, Parvati, and Potter-Granger-Weasley clan! Let us burn the heretic!" Ignoring the staring, he jumped up, followed by his harem. After a moment, Ron and Hermione followed along, Colin trailing behind with his camera and a lot of film. Fred dand George looked at each other and shrugged.
"Did you bring some petrol?"
"Of course."
"Good, good, Forge."
"Can I come?" Angelina Johnson asked. "I've always wanted to set something on fire."
Fred shrugged. "I'm sure Harry and Ginny will share the fun."
Dear Mother and Father
This term has been rather interesting. I have decided to join a harem. I know mother used to have one, and it seemed to me a rather good move. After all, Potter and Weasley had already amassed an extra six followers, which is quite a lot in a day or two. Daphne Greengrass is in agreement, and has joined Harry's harem. I myself joined the muggleborn witch Hermione's harem. The way I see it, she is the smartest witch, and I'm sure I can influence her to behave like a proper pureblood witch and not hit people in the face when she raises her hand in class. Being in a harem pays in protection, candy, pats, and surprisingly good conversation. You won't believe how much my brain was dying being around Crabbe and Goyle and Pansy (she's jealous, by the way).
Today, the Potter-Granger-Weasley-Lovegood clan (that is, Harry's harem, the Potter-Weasley bit, Weasel #6 A.K.A Ronald's harem, the Weasley-Lovegood bit, and Hermione's harem, the Granger bit – no second part since she can't decide who to place as Boss Gentleman of Hermione's Harem – went out to the grounds and had a lot of fun. Weaselette somehow acquired a diary who was either a Dark Lord or trying to steal her from Harry's harem, so we burned it at the stake. We even wheeled out Finch-Fletchley, who had been petrified, and wafted Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington out a window, so they could watch. The normal fire wouldn't take hold, so I burned it with Feindfyre. Hermione said she didn't know whether to scold me or congratulate me, so she compensated by giving me a large amount of chocolate, but only after whacking my head with it. Luckily, my hair was fine. Anyway, burning the diary at the stake was a lot of fun, especially after a few ghosts fainted and McGonagall started screaming at us. Ha ha ha, take that Muggles. We have stolen your tradition and misappropriated it.
May our House stand forever
Draco
XO
"Narcissa, he's signing his letters with kisses again," Lucius called. "And what's this about Draco joining the mudblood's harem?"
Narcissa glided over and took the letter from her husband. "Oh, how lovely, kisses."
"They've burnt the diary at the stake," Lucius said, "And I don't know how I feel about it."
"I never approved of the Dark Lord," Narcissa sniffed. "Have you got any clue how much it costs to replace a bloodstained Persian rug?"
"Yes, well," Lucius grumbled, "What about our son joining the mudblood's harem?"
"She's from poor stock," Narcissa said haughtily, "But she's on the winning side, and makes up for it in intelligence. I don't think I could stand Parkinson as my daughter-in-law."
"He's in a harem," Lucius said with emphasis.
"Just following the family legacy," Narcissa smiled.
"Well," Lucius replied, turning a slightly livelier shade of Caucasian and trying to cover it up, "They're not about to drop dead all of a sudden, are they? There won't be a war to poison them all if they're on the winning side. I maintain your lot died of being on the wrong side."
"Oh, actually," Narcissa grumbled, "That was all Bella. Decided to kill off everyone she didn't like. She was going to poison you, I think, only Wolfgang Urquhart died of acute onset carcinoma of the spleen."
"What's that?" Lucius asked, slightly more unnerved by his wife's crazy sister than normal.
"Do I look like a muggle? I certainly approve of by baby boy's use of Feindfyre," Narcissa cooed happily. "If nothing else, Miss Granger might improve his Transfiguration marks." She shot him a pointed glare.
"It's not my fault he always turns the birds into peacock-shaped glasses!" Lucius protested.
"Sure. Just like it's not your fault he started collecting canes at the age of three," Narcissa sighed. "I'm going to make the house-elves cook some cake."
"I can't eat cake," Lucius grumbled dispiritedly. "It's bad for my metabolism."
"So curse things more," Narcissa retorted. "You will be eating cake. A pureblood such as yourself does not subsist off peacock food."
For some reason, nobody else got attacked after the book-burning incident. Without the threat of petrification breathing down their necks, the students went back to normal – or as normal as things could be when Terry Boot of all people, nerd extraordinaire, had joined Hermione's harem (everyone had known it was only a matter of time before Katie Bell joined Harry's, and as for Padma, it wasn't surprising she didn't want to have to share yet another thing with her sister, even if it meant worse table manners).
It was, in fact, Terry who figured out some complex proof of Lockhart's lies. The blonde teacher and celebrity had done enough to make sure his books added up on the surface, but a complex combination of calculus, trigonometry, beginner's divination, and hair dye analysis managed to pull up a number of time discrepancies. He shared this with his fellow harem members, and while Colin was disappointed that kicking Lockhart would mean no more howling and pretending to be a giant in class, Draco pointed out they were going to lose the Professor to the DADA curse anyway, and they might as well make the most of it. So the three of them went to Hermione with their evidence, who was righteously indignant once she got over the shock, bought them all candy, and gave permission to spearhead operation Rita Skeeter.
Operation Rita Skeeter mostly included selling the information to the Daily Prophet at an exorbitant price. Added testimony from the Boy-Who-Lived just made things easier – and more profitable, if the party slush fund was anything to go by. By the time exams came around, they had a half-way competent retired Auror as a substitute teacher. Ron stress-inhaled bacon, Harry somehow got roped into helping his harem study, and Hermione's harem took out the tops spots, possibly by osmosis. The trio jumped off the train followed by a combined 3 harems. Hermione's parents were more than a little confused when she jumped off the train and was hugged by not two boys but five. And was then slapped on the back by two more. And then nearly got toppled by a small pile of girls.
"Oh, we haven't seen you in so long," Mrs Granger sighed as Hermione catapulted over and jumped into her parents' arms. "Did you have a good year at school, sweetie!"
"Yes!" Hermione beamed, waving vigorously at everyone as they set off back into the Muggle world.
"Hey, isn't that the family we fought with in Diagon Alley?" Mr Granger frowned, as Draco attempted and failed to look regal while saying a non-verbal goodbye (to be fair, a good portion of the slush fund – or at least a good portion by childish standards – had gone towards snacks on the train. Colin had to be dragged down from the bag racks when the train stopped), causing his father to sigh and his mother to look slightly less haughty.
"Don't worry, we made up," Hermione chirped.
"O-kay," Mr Granger said, deciding not to ask how people could go from death glares to excessive goodbyes so quickly. Children sometimes did odd things.
"Did you do anything interesting this year?" Mrs Granger asked.
"Oh yes," Hermione nodded enthusiastically. "I learned to turn rats into goblets, and how to pot a mandrake, and that magical creatures have some crazy powers –"
"That sounds interesting," Mrs Granger said vaguely.
"—and we outed a fraud and earned a heap of stuff for it, and we burned a demonic book at the take with hellfire –"
"Wait, demonic book?" Mr Granger asked.
"—and I started collecting a harem."
"A harem?!" Mr Granger asked.
"Oh yes. It was Luna's idea, you know, because Harry thought there was no point to his fame, but she pointed out he could use star power to meet lots of people, since they're more inclined to come over because they know you're awesome, and then you amass lots of friends."
"Boy…friends?" Mrs Granger asked testily.
"Well, yes, they're usually the opposite sex," Hermione said practically, "Almost like having an army. I can't think why. It's a lot of fun. Like I said, we exposed a fraud using calculus and smear campaigns."
"I…see…" Mr Granger said weakly. "Just remember, if anything goes wrong, they'll have me to deal with."
"Don't worry," Hermione chirped. "Nothing has gone badly after I mentioned Muggles don't burn people at the stake anymore."
"No?" Mrs Granger asked.
"No," Hermione said seriously. "I told them they'd either be tied up without a wand in a padded room and fed on a diet of boiled carrots or chased by Muggle Aurors who kill you by firing a mini bombarda at three times broom-speed. Pansy stopped sending us booby-trapped letters after that. I wonder why…"
"Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban," Lucius said seriously.
"Who?" Draco asked, looking up from Hermione's copy of Titus Andronicus.
"Your mother's cousin," Lucius groaned. "Really, Draco…"
"Well," Draco said indignantly, "How am I meant to figure out creative ways to off my enemies without new material? I bet you never thought of killing someone with indigestion."
"Black was convicted of betraying the Potters," Lucius sniffed. "I never saw him at the meetings, only the ratty boy, but still, I thought you ought to know and be prepared. A Malfoy is never caught with his pants down."
"We wear robes, not pants," Draco pointed out.
"Peacock, dinner." Lucius waved his hand. "What are you going to do, then?"
Draco thought for a moment. "Mother could start her harem up again. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing we've done."
"No," Lucius said firmly. "I'm rather possessive of your mother by now, and we're only second cousins. Dear Cissa's parents were first cousins and look what they produced. Bellatrix sodding Lestrange. Crazy woman. And Andromeda Tonks. Woman doesn't like peacocks! Insane! Your mother was so lucky she only got the good blood..."
"Alright, Father," Draco sighed. "I'll think of something. Hey, what about a bear?"
"Alright," the werewolf said wearily, "I came all the way from hiding in the depths of a Welsh swamp for this. What is it, Headmaster?"
"Ah, Remus," Dumbledore beamed. "I'd like to offer you a job."
Remus Lupin laughed tiredly. "I'm unqualified."
"Our last teacher was a fraud," Dumbledore twinkled.
"…go on?"
"The one before that had Lord Voldemort possessing the back of his head."
"Good Merlin!"
"The one before that was okay, but had a sudden cardiac arrest. The resulting magical pulse from his body trying to heal blew up a window and the glass severed his foot."
"Ugh."
"And the one before that was actually a Belgian Chocolatier who had been obliviated and sent our way as a joke by the Belgian ministry," Dumbledore finished. "So you're much better qualified than most."
"This doesn't make me feel much better, Headmaster," Remus said dryly. "You told me I needed to keep away from all this."
"Well," Dumbledore said, "Maybe it's time to come back. Black is back –"
"Don't remind me," Remus growled under his breath.
"—and Harry will be needing someone like you around."
Remus sighed. He really wanted to see mini Prongs again, and had taken a long time to get over… well, everything of Hallowe'en. Frankly, he had been spitting mad when Dumbledore told him it was best if he stayed away. Now, he had a chance to see Harry again. "Alright," he sighed. "I'll take the job."
"Wonderful!" Dumbledore beamed.
Two weeks later, Remus was sitting in his first Professor Meeting. As Dumbledore wrapped up, McGonagall stepped over. "It's nice to see you again, Remus."
"You too, Professor," he replied, stacking up his papers. "Although I still feel like a naughty schoolboy," he added as an afterthought.
The stern transfiguration mistress allowed herself a small smile. "I suppose you're excited to see Harry?"
"Oh, yes!" He nodded. "It's been so long, I wanted to come over every day, but Dumbledore said it might endanger him…"
"Well," McGonagall sighed, "You'll certainly see a lot of Harry. He's gotten into his fair share of scrapes already, though thankfully he hasn't taken to turning my hair pink and then grey – not yet, in any case. Not like you boys."
Prongs would be rolling in his grave. "I suppose. What do you mean by scrapes?"
"Well," Professor Sprout said, poking her nose into the conversation with cookies and tea, "Let's count, shall we, Minerva?'
"Oh, of course," McGonagall agreed. "There was that troll incident, and then the three-headed dog…"
"Troll?" Remus asked.
Sprout ignored him in favour of continuing. "Oh yes, and then they were caught out of bed and went into the forest for detention before being attacked by something that was drinking unicorn blood…"
"What?'
"The whole debacle with the Philosopher's Stone," McGonagall continued. "Then he and Weasley flew a car to school –"
"Fl – flew?"
"Then he helps Miss Granger and her people reveal that our prior Defence Teacher, Gilderoy Lockhart, was a fraud!" Sprout laughed.
"You forgot the diary, Pomona" McGonagall said.
"Oh, yes. They burnt a diary at the stake. Said it was evil. By the clouds of black, could have been, too."
"What?" Remus asked weakly.
"Oh, we aren't done yet," McGonagall said, with a Slytherin smirk. "One more thing you should know, Remus."
"And that is?"
"Harry and his two best friends, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger, have each started a harem," McGonagall said solemnly.
"Oh, MERLIN!" Remus dropped his head down to his chest. Forget the rolling, Prongs was getting beaten up by an irate wife for laughing in – heaven or – wherever. "This is karma, isn't it?"
Snape, who had been eavesdropping over Luna's patented chamomile coffee, cackled, having managed to drink (coffee) all his despair at Draco (and to a lesser extent Daphne) into submission.
"I still don't see why this is so weird," Sprout grumbled.
Third year went by quickly. In the face of Sirius Black's escape, interest in joining Harry's Harem and affiliates declined, though Hermione managed to score Neville Longbottom. Remus got used to Harry being followed by a massive pack – the Potter-Granger-Weasley-Lovegood clan, apparently. Mr Weasley's Boss Lady, Luna, helped a lot by adding chamomile to his hot chocolate. Plus, Snape had only made one poisoning attempt, and it was perfectly copied from an incident in fifth year, so he couldn't really complain.
When Harry collapsed at a Quidditch match, Remus agreed to teach him the Patronus charm. This promptly devolved into teaching three whole harems the charm, which caused the DADA room to be permanently foggy. Seamus Finnigan showed up for no real reason too, but by that point, one more crazy 13-year-old wasn't too much to imagine. Harry mastered the charm, much to his joy; it was a perfect replica of Prongs, his father. Plus, he was immediately tackled by his harem. And some of Ron's. And also Hermione.
"Professor," Draco asked, "Would you teach us how to poison our enemies or transfigure them into pies?"
Remus looked doubtful.
"He won't assassinate you. Please?" Hermione asked.
"… learn to cast the Charm first, Draco. Everyone else can create mist, at least."
Ten days later, Draco strutted in with a pleased look on his face, a proud Hermione by his side, Colin, Terry and Neville cheering, and the rest of the Potter-Granger-Weasley-Lovegood clan hanging slightly back with varying degrees of trepidation. "I've done it!" Draco declared. "Expecto patronum!" And a silvery ferret jumped out of his wand and scampered around the room before settling in a tall spot and surveying everyone with a snooty expression.
"…well done. You know, I believe your father's Patronus was a peacock, I wondered if you might take after him…"
"Peacocks are dinner," Draco said promptly.
"A bit chewy, though," Hermione commented to Colin, who nodded in agreement.
"It's the excessive preening," Terry whispered sagely.
"So, will you teach us now?" Draco asked – well, sort of asked, sort of demanded. Hermione was working on him, and him on her.
Remus took a deep breath. "Okay. First lesson – how to make someone puke their guts up."
"Wonderful," Draco grinned.
"Will this lesson cover the different classes of emetic potions?" Hermione asked.
"And plants?" asked Neville.
"And formulation?" Terry added.
"And plausible deniability?" Colin squeaked
"Oh, Merlin," Ron groaned, just outside the door. "Hermione's collecting a harem of assassins."
"Huh," Harry said. "Mine is made of deceptively pretty, extraordinarily protective murder girls. Oh, and Ginny, she swears at Voldemort as an added bonus."
Ron blinked.
"Ronald means to say we're the sidekick brigade," Luna said serenely. "You'd never have any cookies or Crumple-Horned Snorcacks without us."
Theodore Nott was an ass, Harry decided.
Theodore Nott was a horrible animal abuser who should be dangled from the Astronomy tower by his toes, Harry's harem corrected him.
Harry stood corrected.
Truth be told, even if Harry sometimes wondered whether keeping lots of girls around who might one day decide to activate operation Henpeck was worth it, his, Ron's, and Hermione's harems were mighty useful. Plus, sometimes they even kissed his cheek, which made him blush, in a nice way that apparently affirmed their loyalty and friendship even more.
The moment Ron was jumped by a bear-dog, Harry and Hermione, along with Hannah, Luna, Ginny, Neville, Lavender, Parvati, Katie, and Colin, were instantly in hot pursuit. It didn't take long for them to explode into the room at the end of the tunnel, only slightly tree-battered, to find Ron with a broken leg (Hannah and Luna nearly cried) and the bear-dog, who was, apparently, a mass murderer. The instant Sirius Black appeared, Ginny, Lavender, Parvati and Katie surrounded Harry, as did Hermione, Neville and Colin. Hannah and Luna decided Harry didn't need to suffocate and moved to protect Ron instead, which he appreciated a lot, judging by his bright red ears.
However, as it turned out, Sirius Black was far too busy alternately cackling about how James would be so proud of Harry and obsessing over Ron's rat to do any damage. In fact, nothing happened until Lupin barged in, at which point Sirius finally became coherent enough to explain his life story, which made most of the girls sigh sadly – though they didn't leave their posts. Hannah coaxed Ron into giving up his rat, which promptly turned into a man as Sirius and Lupin cast a weird, complex charm, causing Lavender to scream, Parvati to threaten the rat with death by scratches for scaring her best friend, and Harry to decide that if there was a Death Eater in the castle endangering everyone for three whole years, they could bloody well go to Azkaban and stay there.
Snape barged in, looked from Sirius to Remus to Pettigrew to Harry, decided (courtesy of Luna's coffee recipe, which, come to think of it, made people a lot mellower than chamomile should have…) he'd already seen enough weirdness, and agreed to leave Black and take Pettigrew as long as he got to "break Black's bloody, stupid nose, the dunderheaded arse."
By group decision, Padfoot needed to take a trip to Madam Pomfrey's, not that the huge proportion of newly teenaged girls didn't find his plight romantic, for some odd reason. Harry was jealous, until Ginny pointed out that Harry had unjustly lost contact with his godfather and believed him to be a traitor while the real evil slept a bed to the left, which set off two whole days of Harry's Harem refusing to let go, except for in the bathroom (and even then they were reluctant), to the point that Daphne, who deeply regretted not being there, drafted a schedule where the girls would take shifts. After attempting to remove Parvati and Lavender for the fourth time, McGonagall gave up.
The school would have wondered what on Earth was going on, and in fact they did, and the rumour mill came up with a few things in the time between bringing Sirius to the hospital wing with a bleeding, crooked nose and leaving full of chocolate, courtesy of a healer who insisted dementors definitely worked through walls and five-yard deep soil. Pansy Parkinson thought the blood-traitor monster had finally gotten them all, Cedric Diggory figured they were having a secret harem meeting, and Dumbledore suggested they had all been turned into stoats, the old meddler. All these were promptly expelled when Daphne and Draco started talking, boasting really, about the tragic tale of a noble family wronged and how the awesome power of the harem had managed to make it all better. Having Slytherins in your harem was useful.
And so the term ended with Remus retiring to write a set of study guides, Sirius declaring he was taking Harry home with him even if he had to commit kidnapping, Fudge spinning a story about how the Ministry had known when Black escaped and set up the trap so everything would come together nicely, and hugs and kisses all around. Harry was still mildly embarrassed and puzzled about this new development, Ron thought it was wonderful, and Hermione had looked up harem in the Dictionary three months ago and decided a bunch of dudes was an excellent idea. After all, they were all very cute.
"Good morning," Narcissa said primly. "Come. We are holding the reception in the ballroom."
The Grangers, the Creeveys, the Longbottoms and the Boots were borrowing Malfoy Manor as a place to meet up. By this point, Narcissa couldn't care less about blood status, because Hermione and Draco were going to have amazing powerful grandbabies with Draco's looks and both their talents when they grew up (after all, the Malfoy genes were horrendously strong, it was borderline ridiculous). Lucius was slowly warming up to the idea, helped along by a lucrative deal Hermione and her harem had engineered for Harry and the fact that, as the last remnant of Narcissa's harem, he was sort of inclined to follow her anyway.
Half way through the day, though, Lucius walked in with a perfectly neutral mask for a face. "Draco? Miss Granger?"
"Yes Father?" "Yes, Mr Malfoy?" they asked innocently.
He sighed. "Why does Pansy Parkinson have a recurring stomach flu that can't be lifted with ordinary charms?"
"Damn," Draco whispered, "I told you we needed to add more alihotsy roots."
"They kept making it explode!" Neville hissed. "You know the British breed is volatile!"
"Who cares?" Colin asked. "Explosions are cool."
"Lack of crippling diarrhoea aside," Terry murmured, "We did well."
"Yes, you did," Hermione said with dignity. Then, she turned to Mr Malfoy. "We deny everything."
He rubbed his temple. "Draco Malfoy…"
"It can't be traced back to us in any way, nor will they ever find out how we did it, if we did do it," Draco said proudly, chin jutting out in a combination of defiance and upper-crust haughtiness.
"Just because she sent us all a bunch of cursed letters…" Colin added. "And just because we have a bunch of photos… I mean, it's not like we'd use them for blackmail…"
"That's Sirius's job," Terry said gravely.
Lucius sighed. "Next time shut up her parents too. Parry the Peacock is getting too interested in their owl again."
"I say we eat Parry," Draco grumbled, "with cranberry sauce and broccoli."
Narcissa smiled at the other parents, who were in varying states of amusement, bemusement, and horror. "More wine?"
"Remind me why we're here again?" Sirius asked, as they stood in front of the door to Number 4 Privet Drive.
"Dumbledore," Harry said gloomily.
Harry's Harem, who had showed up to offer their support, nodded gravely. "It was quite mean of him," Parvati said matter-of-factly.
"I still don't know if this is a good idea," Harry said, looking around. Sirius was officially free in the Wizarding World and Muggle World but had already drawn stares from Number 3 and Number 9, probably because he still had the fashion taste of his 20-year-old self. Biker jackets weren't common fare among the residents of Little Whinging, at least, not in adults, though Harry imagined Dudley might buy one when he was a little older; considering Harry didn't remember an earring or a visible prison tattoo either (well, apart from the serial number, but that got spelled off Sirius and smacked onto Pettigrew), it was highly probably Sirius was trying his best to offend their sensibilities.
Harry would have been a little nervous, but mostly excited, had it just been his godfather. Little Whinging had probably seen the man before, anyway, if the maniacal cackling was anything to go by. However, Harry was unsure how the street would react to not just an angry threatening man in a leather jackets, but a gaggle of angry, threatening, cute girls. For one thing, he didn't know if Little Whinging approved of anime. They probably didn't.
"Don't worry," Ginny said, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Ginny was probably going to offend Privet Drive at least a little; sure, she was dressed conservatively enough, with a t-shirt and jeans, but Little Whinging was full of housewives, not sporty chicks. "It'll all be taken care of."
"Yeah," Lavender agreed. Weirdly enough, Lavender's crop top and skirt probably offended the people around less – 'teenager', they would say. "You've got us to come back to, remember?"
"In any case," Daphne added evenly. Harry had spotted a lot of confused stares at her robes, which were somewhere between a summer dress and a Hallowe'en costume. "Your… family… appear to be the sort that would believe your godfather was, in fact, guilty, and got off on a technicality."
"I didn't get off," Sirius grumbled. "Sni – Snape has broken my nose fifteen times since then and Moony won't stop him, the traitor."
"Where is Professor Lupin, anyway?" Katie asked, unfaultable in a blue dress - until you took in the grass stains and scrapes on her arms.
"Yeah, shouldn't he be here?" Parvati added, glancing around and shoving her hands in her short jeans' pockets.
"What day is it today?" Sirius asked.
"Oh…" Lavender sighed. "Poor man."
"If he showed up, he'd either look like a zombie or beat someone half to death," Sirius explained dryly. "Especially since he refuses to eat like a normal human being. Prideful git."
"Maybe he needs a harem," Ginny suggested, and the other girls giggled.
"No!" Sirius protested. "Aren't I good enough? Pup, you think I'm good enough, don't you?"
Harry rolled his eyes slightly. "So, how long am I stuck here again?"
"A week," Sirius said. "And if something goes wrong, you call me on the mirror, alright?"
"And us!" Ginny exclaimed. "Don't forget to call us!"
"We'll come and help Sirius kidnap you," Lavender added.
"Or poison them," Daphne said blandly. "I hear Hermione's Harem recently succeeded in giving Pansy Parkinson a rather nasty stomach flu – not that it's been proven, of course."
"Both," Katie said simply, pointing to Parvati's glittery nails.
"Ready?" Parvati asked, and Harry nodded as Sirius reached out and knocked on the door.
Petunia was the one to open up the door. She saw Harry and looked at him like Narcissa looked at a bird's dropping; she saw the girls behind him and frowned; she saw Sirius sporting his best 'I'm going to kidnap you and murder you and chop you up and use the blood to decorate my carpet to cover up the bloodstains' leer and promptly yelled – well, screeched – well, screamed – for her husband, who showed up, took one look at the scene, and instantly turned bright red.
"I don't know what you freaks are doing, here, but –"
"The headmaster has ordered that Harry come back here for a week," Sirius interrupted sharply. "This will recharge the blood protection tied to the house and keep Harry safe for another year. Harry will be staying here until next Friday."
"Now, listen here!" Vernon spluttered. "We don't have to do anything for you!"
"No, you don't," Sirius agreed readily. "But if Harry were to lose that protection and be hurt by the Dark Lord, it might not be… pretty."
Harry's Harem nodded seriously in the background, crossing their arms and sidling closer to the boy (who was, for his part, slightly squished but also oddly pleased with himself).
"Are you – threatening us?" Vernon yelled, causing Number 14 to stick her nose out of the window and eavesdrop.
"Yes, we are," Sirius said smugly. "Good of you to notice."
"Now, listen here!" Vernon said again. "I won't be ordered about by a bunch of freaks!"
"I resent that," Lavender grumbled. "I spent a whole hour conditioning my hair yesterday. I look fine."
Harry and Parvati patted her shoulder soothingly.
"Nevertheless," Sirius replied, "You're going to take Harry in. And if any of us finds a single mark on him… didn't you make a bit of a mess of by dead best friends' wedding, Petunia? I was thrown into prison without trial and spent 12 years in there – take that how you will."
Ginny snarled over Sirius's shoulder, still leaning on Harry, which prompted Vernon to splutter, "What's this with the – the girls, then?"
"We're Harry's Harem," Ginny said, sticking her nose in the air just like Daphne had spent the past day teaching her to. "I'm Boss Lady Ginevra, and that's Lavender, Parvati, Katie, and Daphne. Now listen up. Harry is ours and we like him in one piece, so you can guarantee we'll be coming with Sirius if you start any funny business."
"What's a bunch of little girls going to do?" Vernon asked loudly, as Petunia screamed something about hussies, harems, and sushi.
"I have 6 older brothers – one defuses deadly traps for a living, one deals with massive carnivorous animals, skip Percy, two play a sport involving hitting solid metal balls the size of your head dozens of yards across a pitch, and one flew a car into a tree," Ginny said smugly.
"Daphne gave me the most beautiful knife I've ever seen for Yule," Lavender trilled sweetly, "And it needs Christening."
"My nails have cyanide in them. Or ricin. I'm not fully sure which bottle I used," Parvati added.
"I spend hours moving at the speed of a car on a highway without a seatbelt, avoiding the solid metal balls," Katie put in.
They looked at Daphne, who shrugged. "My family is a Dark family. I'll just curse him and we'll pay off the Ministry."
"Now look here, you bunch of—" Vernon began, but Harry was already snarling.
"Not another word –"
Siris grabbed Harry's arm and forced his fist back down. "No punching, Pup. Not yet anyhow."
"Where're the rest of them?" Petunia asked, voice shrill. "The rest of your – gang?"
"Well," Sirius drawled, shooting her a black look, "Prongs has been dead for 12 years, you remember? Wormy was a traitor, we had him shipped off to Azkaban a few weeks ago… and we left Moony behind. Full moon, you see, we didn't want him to snap and attack you. It might traumatize him."
"The –"
"Yeah, him," Sirius growled, "And you'll refer to him and all of us as human. I assure you, Harry here put up with enough these past dozen years. If you even look at him wrong, you'll have us to answer to – we'll come right on over to teach you a lesson, and we'll bring the rest of the – what was it again?"
Ginny cackled. "Potter-Granger-Weasley-Lovegood clan."
"Yes, them, all traipsing into your nice quiet street to teach you that lesson."
"There are more of you?" Petunia screeched.
"Two more harems full," Daphne said blandly.
"One of which will rip you apart and one of which will attempt to bake you into a pie," Ginny added.
"Wait, pie?" Lavender asked.
"Don't question it," Ginny muttered. "Damned ferret."
Petunia whimpered as the whole street stared at the madmen/madwomen standing on the front lawn.
"Wait, what? Ronnie, dear, I think my hearing's going, I thought you said harem," Mrs Weasley said absently.
"I did," Ron said, smashing up a parsnip with a potato masher.
Mrs Weasley frowned. "You mean to tell me, young man, you, Harry, and Miss Hermione have managed to build up harems?"
"We've had them since the beginning of second year," Ron said in surprise. "Didn't Fred and George tell you?"
"No," Mrs Weasley replied, stopping Ron for a moment and adding some butter to the pot.
"Well," Ron said, returning to the parsnip murder, "We do. It was Luna's idea, she said a good use of fame would be to collect lots of pretty, loyal, kick-arse girl friends."
"Girlfriends?" Mrs Weasley questioned.
"Girl friends," Ron repeated.
"So, is Hermione collecting girls too?" Mrs Weasley asked.
"No, she's collecting boys," Ron said. "Haven't you noticed the Malfoys have shut up recently?"
"I heard they poisoned the Parkinson girl," Mrs Weasley mused.
"That too. It's because Hermione managed to collect Draco."
"I see," Mrs Weasley said, wondering if she needed to have a very serious chat about harems and how to manage them with her husband. On one hand, she didn't want her son to turn out a womanizer; on the other hand, grandbabies! "Who exactly is in this harem of yours?"
"Mine?" Ron asked. "Oh, just Hannah, Luna, and Padma."
"I see," Mrs Weasley repeated. "Are they nice girls?"
"Yeah," Ron smiled to himself. "Hannah's really sweet and she taught me how to bake cookies. Luna's a bit – odd – but really smart and –" he blushed a little, "—cuddly, and Padma's sort of like Hannah and Luna mixed together – she likes food and she's really clever, and she's a really pretty bird too. Like, really pretty."
"Right," Mrs Weasley said. "Carry on with the parsnips, dear." Smart, good-looking, cuddly, and food-loving grandbabies! Molly was sold!
Part 2 will come soon. I just figured 8k words was enough in one chapter.
Weirdly enough, I was entirely normal when I wrote this. Not even caffeinated. I'd like to plead insanity.
Don't worry, this won't interrupt LQoA or .