Title: Invisible Bruises
Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.
Summary: Post 47 Seconds and The Limey with SPOILERS for Headhunters. After deciding to shadow a gang crimes detective, Castle has to deal with some unexpected consequences. Oneshot.
Spoilers: This is a post-The Limey fic based on previews for Headhunters.
A/N: Must. Fix. It.
Warning: This story involves some violence. I don't think it warrants above a T-rating, but just an FYI.
She hated him.
At least, she hated him almost as much as she hated herself for waiting too long.
First was Jacinda, the blonde flight attendant he'd shared case information with - who knows what else they'd shared. Then his disinterest in her throughout the case. And now, now...
He was leaving. Not only had he closed the door to them outside of work, now he was abandoning her in a professional capacity as well. He explained his decision to follow Ethan Slaughter as a "change of scenery," the exact words he'd used for his trip to Las Vegas. Glancing over at Ryan and Esposito and seeing their hurt expressions, she suddenly felt like a single mom whose husband decided it was more fun to stay out with his buddies than to come home to his wife and children.
And it hurt. It hurt so much.
Her follow-up girl's night conversation with Lanie went about as she'd expected.
"I know, I waited too long," she acknowledged.
"Did you at least tell him?" the medical examiner questioned her.
Kate shook her head. "I tried to talk to him, but he made it pretty clear that was the last thing he wanted - that I was the last thing he wanted. He wants fun and uncomplicated, Lanie."
The other woman sighed and gave her a pitying look before suggesting, "Then maybe it's time to move on, girl."
"Maybe you can explain to me exactly how to do that," Kate answered sharply. "Because I've been trying to move on since he spent that summer in the Hamptons with his ex-wife."
Trying a different tact, Lanie asked about Colin Hunt, the hot British detective from Scotland Yard.
"He's back in London. We had drinks before he left." She shrugged as if to say, end of story, case closed.
"Well maybe having Castle shadow someone else for a while will be good for both of you," Lanie said, trying to sound positive. "It's probably been harder to move on with him in here chasing you around every day."
"I just wish I knew why he was acting like this. I mean, what changed? It's like someone flicked a switch in him and suddenly he's done, he's over, he's moved on."
Lanie thought for a moment. "Well maybe something happened. When did he start acting weird?"
"It was around the bombing case. I remember because at one point, we were talking and I thought he was going to ask me out-"
"Finally!"
"-but then we got interrupted, and after the case I tried to ask him what he was going to say, and he said it was nothing. No, he said it was 'nothing important.' I remember, those were the words he used. Then he turned me down for drinks and went home. He's been behaving like Rick Castle, Playboy Extraordinaire ever since."
"Maybe the bombing caused him to re-examine his priorities," Lanie said.
The detective nodded, having considered the possibility herself. But - "It just feels wrong, somehow. This isn't him, not the real him. It's like he's..."
"What?"
Kate stared into the distance, her eyes suddenly clouded over. "It's like I did something to him, like I said something and he won't tell me what it is."
"Well if following around Ethan Slaughter is supposed to be your punishment, I think Writer Boy is in for a big surprise. I've heard stories about that guy. He'll be lucky if he goes home in one piece."
Having heard stories about the gang crimes detective herself, Kate looked pensive. Of all the NYPD officers to follow around, why had Castle picked Slaughter? The man was a cowboy, a renegade who treated the city like it was the OK Coral. She had always worried about Castle's safety, even when she didn't like him very much, but now she wouldn't even be there to watch his back. And neither would Esposito or Ryan.
"If Castle gets hurt..." she began.
"You're going to kill Slaughter?" Lanie asked.
"No. I'm going to kill Castle."
Castle was having the time of his life.
Shadowing Slaughter had proved to be exactly the kind of distraction he needed. The man was fast-paced, dangerous, and completely unapologetic. After spending so many years going into the precinct every morning, solving murders had become a little boring. It was work, a job. This, however, was fun.
Ignoring the part of his conscience that nagged at him - the one that said nothing was more fun than solving a mystery - Castle threw himself into the experience whole heartedly. So what if Slaughter seemed a little cavalier. He could take care of himself. He didn't need Beckett babysitting him all the time.
Slaughter never told him to stay in the car.
Of course, if he had stayed in the car, he probably wouldn't be sporting the black eye that Alexis was sure to notice and the sore ribs (he felt fairly certain they weren't cracked) that made walking just a tad painful. This thought occurred to him as he stepped through the loft door and came face-to-face with his daughter and mother. Both were waiting for him, hands on hips, disapproval painted heavily on their faces.
"Hey!" he said, forcing himself to sound more cheerful than he felt. "You didn't have to wait up for me."
"We didn't," Alexis said, sounding angrier than he had heard her in a while. "Ryan called to tell us you were okay."
He nodded. Ryan had called? He figured that his adventures that day would get back to Beckett and the others, but he hadn't actually seen them all day. He knew Esposito had friends in Slaughter's unit. He must have gotten a report and instructed his partner to call Castle's family.
"You should have called," his daughter scolded.
"I'm fine."
"Really, Richard, you have a shiner the color of your shoes. What possessed you to get into a bar fight?"
He hadn't intended it to happen, that was for sure. But Slaughter had that kind of effect on people, and before he'd realized it, he'd been in the middle of a gang skirmish masquerading as a bar brawl. Luckily, no one had brought guns. And no one had stabbed him. No, in light of what could have happened, a fist to the face and a few kicks to the ribs really were getting off light.
"And where was Detective Beckett?" Alexis demanded, obviously shaken by whatever details Ryan had passed on. "You're supposed to be following her, not this gang unit."
"I needed a change of scenery," he said, although the words seemed cheap and trite as they passed his lips. "And it's not like I never got hurt when I was following Beckett."
He was starting to resent this little familial intervention, or whatever it was. He understood the concerns of his family, but they sounded a little too much like the 'you're not a cop' conversation he had already had with Kate.
Beckett. Detective Beckett. Not Kate.
"Besides, I'm thinking of doing a new book series based on Slaughter," he pointed out, then headed into the kitchen to find an ice pack. His swollen eye really was killing him.
They followed him, Alexis folding her arms disapprovingly. "What about Nikki Heat?" she asked.
"Yes, Richard. Are you going to kill her off like you did Derrick Storm?" his mother added.
The thought of killing off one of his favorite characters hit him like that kick to the stomach had earlier in the day. Pulling an ice pack from the freezer, he managed to force out a petulant, "Maybe I should."
"Maybe you should just talk to Detective Beckett," his daughter responded.
Castle turned to glare accusingly at his mother. "What did you tell her?" he demanded.
The older woman shrugged one shoulder unrepentantly. "She asked why you were acting like your old pre-Beckett self. All I told her was that you were acting like a man with a broken heart."
"But Gran wouldn't give me specifics," Alexis said, almost pleadingly. "What did she say, Dad? Did you ask her out? What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
He really didn't. And he really hated his mother for saying anything at all to his teenage daughter. Such conversations were supposed to stay between the two of them. Alexis didn't need to hear about his love life, or lack thereof.
"Maybe she's just scared," Alexis continued. "Or maybe it's a big misunderstanding-"
"Daughter-" he said, putting his hands on her shoulders in the manner he used just before attempting to impart wisdom to the younger generation, "I said I don't want to talk about it."
Before she could respond, he retreated to his office, letting the door close loudly behind him. Sinking into his chair, he held the ice pack to his eye.
Yeah. He was having lots of fun.
The next day brought another exciting adventure following Ethan Slaughter, and Castle enjoyed the diversion so much, his mind had barely drifted to thoughts of Kate Beckett at all. That was, until Esposito called him in the early afternoon. He almost let it go to voicemail, but a little voice inside his head told him to answer the call.
"Hey man, how's it going?" he said with forced cheer.
"You need to come down to the hospital."
No greeting, no preamble, just the simple order. Castle sat up straighter, the dread sliding through him like a blast of freezing water.
"What happened?" he asked sharply.
"Beckett's in surgery. She went to interview a witness this morning - alone - and things went sideways. Someone found her in an alley about an hour ago and called 911."
"I'm on my way."
He was about to hang up the phone when he heard, "Oh, and Castle? When you get here, you and I are going to have words."
The cab ride to the hospital was the longest of his life. He wished he'd taken his own car to work that morning, but riding with Slaughter was half the experience. However, when he'd told the renegade detective he had to get to the hospital, the man actually had the nerve to look offended, as though Castle were abandoning him. "Go play nurse maid," he'd grumbled in annoyance. No offer of a ride. No sympathy. No heart.
Maybe basing a character on the man wasn't such a great idea after all.
With each red light, Castle felt his blood pressure increasing as he tried to mentally will traffic out of the way. Twenty long, agonizing minutes later brought him to the emergency room. He threw a few bills - twenties? Hundreds? Did it matter? - at the cabbie and ran into the building.
He looked around the waiting room frantically, not spying Esposito or Ryan. He approached the nurse's station to ask about Beckett, but they were talking to several people already and ignored his desperate questions.
"Castle!" he heard his name called. Turning, he saw that it was Lanie, and she looked as terrified as he felt. He was at her side in a second, asking questions she didn't have answers for.
"She's still in surgery. We don't know anything yet," she told him. "They brought her in about an hour ago. Javi got the phone call."
Speaking of which, Castle noticed Esposito and Ryan approach out of the corner of his eye. Neither man looked happy, but the Hispanic detective seemed downright furious. "What happened?" he asked them.
His question must have set off something in Esposito because he reached out and grabbed Castle's shirt in one hand while furiously responding, "You want to know what happened, you weren't there! You didn't have her back!"
Too stunned to respond, Castle stared at him, eyes wide and mouth open. He almost braced for a punch - please, not the same side as his black eye - but Ryan and Lanie had already intervened, pulling a furious Esposito back.
Once they had him calm, Ryan stepped in, his voice calmer but no less worried. "She went to talk to a witness. We already had a guy sweating in the box, but she said she wanted to tie up some loose ends. Turns out we had the wrong guy, and when she went to talk to the witness, she must have spooked him." He glanced over at Esposito, who still looked angry but was no longer seething with rage.
Esposito said bluntly, "He beat her up, Castle. Bad. The guy was 6'6", over three hundred pounds. And he probably took her by surprise. Dumped her body in an alley then tried to get on a plane to Mexico."
"Uniforms just picked him up at the airport," Ryan added. "Immediately lawyered up."
"But, Beckett..." He didn't care about the suspect, didn't care if they'd caught him or not. He needed to know about Kate.
"Good Samaritan spotted her in the alley and called an ambulance. She was still unconscious when they brought her in."
"Did you see her?" Castle asked.
Esposito shook his head. "Caught up with the EMT a few minutes ago. He said she looked bad, like the guy used her as a punching bag. She probably has internal bleeding. The ER doc took her into surgery as soon as they arrived."
Concern having turned into full blown panic, Castle ran his hands over his face, then up and through his hair. It was a nightmare, this moment. One of his worst nightmares, and one he was not unfamiliar with, standing in a hospital waiting room, waiting for news on Kate Beckett.
"Did someone call her father?" he asked.
Ryan started to answer, but Espositio cut him off. "Of course we called her dad, even before we called you." His irritation with the writer was clear, as was the unspoken implication that the phone call to next-of-kin should have been her partner's responsibility. Had he been there.
And assuming he was still her partner.
Taking pity on him, Ryan said quietly, "Her dad was up at the cabin. He's on his way now."
What little information they had now disseminated, the four settled in to wait. With the suspect in custody, there was nothing else to do. But only Castle and Lanie sat down. Ryan excused himself to call Jenny and check in with Gates while Esposito paced restlessly, only pausing occasionally to glare accusingly at the writer.
Castle did not bother looking around the room - he already knew it all too well from his prior experience there, waiting for news about Kate after the shooting. He tried to make conversation with Lanie, but she shot him a dirty look that instantly silenced him. When had he become such a pariah? It wasn't like he had been the one to hurt Beckett, anyway. Did they really blame him that much for not being with her today? It made him angry, and on top of his concern for Kate, that anger turned to a sharp resentment.
"Why is everyone acting like this is my fault?" he asked finally.
Esposito answered. "'Cause it is your fault, Castle. If she doesn't make it, it's on you."
"But I didn't do anything!"
"Exactly," Esposito spit out. "You call yourself her partner, but then you ditch her when things get a little rough. That's not a real partner."
The weight of guilt was already pressing heavily on Castle, but the other man's words made it even worse. He should have been there with her. If he hadn't been with Slaughter, if he had been with his partner, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Kate would be safe and unharmed.
"Well Beckett said it herself - I'm not a cop." He had intended his tone to be one of resignation, but he suspected it came out as justifying.
But Esposito wasn't done. "Damn right you're not a cop. No cop would just run off-"
"Javi, drop it," Lanie commanded. She looked at Castle and declared evenly, although without any forgiveness, "This isn't your fault."
They slipped into an uncomfortable silence until Ryan returned. He took a seat next to Castle.
"Are you mad at me too?" he asked the Irish detective, keeping his voice low.
"Nah, man, it's just... Beckett's family," Ryan explained. "I've known her since I transferred to homicide. She's like a big sister, and I hate seeing her so upset."
Castle's eyes narrowed. Were they talking about the same thing? Esposito obviously blamed him for Kate being hurt by the suspect, but Ryan's response hinted at something else entirely.
"Upset about what?"
"You know... you shadowing Slaughter instead of her. That on top of all the blondes you've been parading through the precinct...Plus," he paused for a second, then added, "You've been acting really distant to her, like you're mad at her or something."
"Ryan, shut up," Lanie hissed, which only piqued Castle's curiosity more.
"Did she say something to you?" he asked Ryan. When the detective shook his head, he looked back at Lanie. "What about you?"
The medical examiner's look would have turned lesser men to stone. "You want to know what's going on with Kate, you can ask her. When she's recovered." Then, under her breath but deliberately loud enough for him to hear, "Not that you seem to care anyway."
"Of course I care!" he shot back. Kate was the one who didn't care, not him. She was the one who'd lied to him, repeatedly. Why was he the one being punished for just trying to move on with his life and not live every day under the cloud of false hope.?
"Oh yeah? You have a funny way of showing it."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Tired of staying on the sidelines, Esposito jumped back into the fray. "It means if you're over her, bro, then maybe you shouldn't be coming in and rubbing her nose in it. Let her have some dignity."
Castle stared at the man in disbelief. The words just wouldn't process, although he completely understood their meaning, the obvious implication. Maybe they were wrong? Beckett always played things close to the vest, and he doubted she had told anyone else about what she clearly remembered him saying in the cemetery that day. If they knew, maybe they wouldn't be under this misapprehension that Beckett was the wronged party.
But before he could speak, a man in a stereotypical white lab coat entered the waiting room and called, "Family of Kate Beckett?"
They were all on their feet in an instant.
Looking skeptically away from Esposito and Lanie, the doctor glanced between Ryan and Castle. "Which one of you is her husband?"
"I'm her partner," Castle said automatically, unable to stop himself.
But Esposito had the wherewithal to flash his badge and inform the doctor that they were coworkers. Apparently that was enough, because the man proceeded with his report. "She's stable. She had a collapsed lung but we were able to re-inflate it. She has about six broken ribs and a mild concussion. One of the ribs caused some internal bleeding which we were able to stop. As well, she has a lot of bruising and some minor scrapes but all things considered, she's very lucky. She's being moved to the ICU, and then you can see her, but no more than two at a time."
"Is she conscious?" Lanie asked.
"Yes, but she's groggy from the anesthesia."
Castle let out the breath he had been holding and he heard Esposito do the same. They both broke into wide, celebratory smiles. But upon spotting Castle's expression of joy, Esposito clamped down on his own and morphed his smile back into an angry frown.
But the detective's response was not enough to overcome Castle's relief. Kate was going to be okay. She was already awake. And while it would take some time for her to recover, some broken ribs and a concussion would heal far more quickly than the bullet which had almost taken her life the year before.
It was a reprieve. A second chance. He hadn't lost her.
And suddenly, he realized something. His irritation at being made a scapegoat by the others had momentarily blinded him to the mind numbing terror of losing her. He hadn't lost her, but he could have. Instead of his fists, the suspect could have used a knife, or a gun. Instead of being found so quickly, she could have lain in that alley for hours, bleeding internally all that time.
Having come to the realization that they would never be together, Castle had already reconciled himself to losing her. But the thought of her dead, her skin like ice and eyes vacant-
He couldn't take it.
He needed her. Like he needed oxygen or water or sustenance, he needed her. Castle had tried to banish that need, to pretend like he could do without it. He had even gone so far as to contemplate removing himself from her life completely. But faced with this crisis, with the very real threat to her life, he realized that he had been a fool twice over.
Even if nothing existed between them besides friendship, he needed her in his life. Seeing her smile in the morning when he brought her coffee, hearing her voice float over him as she thought outloud about a case... Despite the pain at her lie, her silent betrayal, he needed her. Even if it made him seem pathetic, especially in his own eyes, he just couldn't stay away. Friendship would have to be enough.
Everything hurt.
Everything hurt and Kate was having trouble focusing. Her vision seemed blurry - she didn't need glasses, did she? - and the room was doing that weird spinny thing she only remembered it doing when she'd had too much to drink.
Maybe she was drunk. But no, she was in a hospital. They wouldn't let people get drunk at a hospital. Of course, it might improve everyone's mood if they did...
Speaking of everyone, where was everyone? The nice doctor had told her there were people waiting to see her, but she didn't see anyone. Maybe they'd left - gotten tired and left, like Castle got tired of waiting and left her. He left her to play boy games with the gang detective who reminded her of a cowboy. Like solving murders with her wasn't good enough.
Castle. Kate needed to stop thinking about him because when she did, it made her hurt inside. And she was already hurting enough on the outside, she didn't want to hurt anymore on the inside as well.
And of course, as soon as she'd resolved not to think about him, there he was. Him and Lanie. Oh, Lanie was there. She was a doctor, so maybe she could make the pain stop.
"Lanie," Kate said, reaching out towards her friend. Lanie smiled at her and took hand gently before sitting in the chair next to her.
Castle just stared at her -why did he have a black eye? - that same look she remembered from when he'd visited her in the hospital after the shooting. She must look really horrible - he wasn't even pretending to hide it this time.
She hadn't been shot again, had she?
"What happened?" she asked, her voice sounding unusually hoarse.
"A suspect tried to turn you into ground hamburger," Lanie said. "But they've got him in custody. And you're going to be okay."
A suspect? She didn't remember any of that. She recalled working on a murder - there was always a murder to solve - and she remembered Castle leaving to follow that cowboy detective, but she didn't remember a suspect. Oh yeah, Castle.
"What are you doing here?" she asked him in confusion. "Thought you were following the cowboy today."
And there he was staring at her again, this time like she'd sprouted antlers or something. It was a perfectly valid question! Maybe he was grumpy because of his black eye.
"Kate, you're in the hospital. That guy did a number on you. Did you really expect me not to come?"
He sounded offended that she'd asked. Why would he be offended? Maybe she really had grown antlers. Kate touched a hand to her head to check, but no antlers. Her face hurt, however, and her left eye seemed puffy. Maybe she had a black eye, too. She didn't remember them being contagious...
"No date with Ja... Ja..." She couldn't remember the blonde's name. Or was there a new blonde now? Too many blondes to remember. "No date with the stewardess?"
He would have answered but Lanie interrupted, "Kate, you need to get some sleep. I think the anesthesia and the pain meds are making you a little loopy."
But sleep was bad - she had too many bad dreams. Like the ones where Castle hated her or he got hurt instead of her. She hated sleep.
"Don't go," she begged as the medical examiner stood up.
"I'm just going to go talk to your doctor," the other woman said soothingly, reminding her of her mother. "Castle will stay here with you. Won't you, Castle?"
Kate missed whatever look passed between them - why was everything so fuzzy? - but she understood when Castle said, "I'll stay."
Oh good. He took her hand, and as he did she noticed a bruise on her arm. It was large and purple - a pretty color - and she wondered how she'd gotten it.
"I have a bruise," she observed aloud. Maybe he knew why.
"Kate, you're covered in bruises," he said, sounding so sad and upset that it worried her. Why was Castle sad?
"You have one, too," she observed, pointing to his black eye. Maybe that's what made him sad.
"Mine's not as bad as yours."
"Looks bad. Why aren't you in a hospital bed?"
It seemed like a perfectly legitimate question. If bruises meant being in the hospital, why was she the patient and him the visitor? But there he was looking at her like she had grown antlers again.
"You got hurt worse than bruises, Kate," he explained. "Your ribs-" They did hurt pretty bad "-your lung-" Was that why it was hard to breath? "-and your head, all got hurt."
Her head - no wonder everything was fuzzy.
But the way he was looking at her, so concerned and loving, it made it seem worth the pain. He hadn't looked at her like that in a long time, and that made her hurt inside again.
"Can I tell you something?" she asked.
"Of course."
"I miss you." Castle let out a little breath, like she'd said something that hurt him. But that didn't make any sense. And why did she suddenly feel so tired? She needed to tell him this before she fell asleep. "I know you have a stewardess now and you want to be a cowboy, but I love you."
Did she say 'love'? She'd meant 'miss.' Oh well, they were both true. And he was a smart writer boy, he'd figure it out. Seeing his expression, before dropping into a drugged sleep, she added, "And stop it with the antlers already."
Castle left Kate in the company of Esposito, who said nothing to him but managed to keep his glares to a minimum, then went looking for Lanie. The image of Kate Beckett in that hospital bed followed him, her left eye even blacker than his and the rest of her body so covered in bruises... He almost physically shuddered at how battered and broken she looked. And wearing little more than a cotton hospital gown, she seemed so incredibly small and vulnerable. He sometimes forgot that she wasn't actually Nikki Heat. Sure, she was well trained in unarmed combat, but the simple physics of pitting such a slight woman against a huge, angry man put her at a severe disadvantage. Her loopy, childlike conversation had almost done him in completely.
The drugs. Castle attributed her parting confession to whatever medications they had given her for the pain. That had to be it, right? Because she had just said she loved him. No, she missed him, and she loved him. And something about antlers. Why did she have to drugged? It threw everything else she'd said into doubt. He had to find Lanie. As Kate's best friend, she would be able to sort out the truth from the antlers.
As he rounded a corner, he almost literally ran straight into the medical examiner. "Castle," she said, then shot him a reproachful look. "Did you leave her alone? I told you to stay with her-"
"Esposito came in to check on her, and I left her with him," he explained quickly. Not bothering to take a breath, he continued, "She said she loves me."
He waited for the denial, for the inevitable eye roll and scolding for trying to flirt with a heavily medicated woman. But none of that came.
"Well of course she did," Lanie said, clearly exasperated. But her annoyance wasn't directed at him. "Kate Beckett would choose now of all times, lying in a hospital bed and hopped up on pain killers, to tell you how she feels about you. That girl..."
Castle stared at her. He had expected her to attribute it to the medication making her loopy, not to confirm it.
"So it's true?"
"Don't worry, writer boy. She probably won't even remember having that conversation the next time she wakes up. So you can pretend it never happened."
Her suggestion hit too close to home. "No, that's what she did," he found himself saying.
That got Lanie's attention. "What?"
"After she was shot - I mean, right after, when she was on the ground - I told her to hang on. And I told her I loved her." The medical examiner's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Then she passed out. But when I went to see her in the hospital, she said she didn't remember anything from the shooting. I've asked her again since then and each time she said it was a blank."
"Memory loss is common with that kind of trauma," Lanie offered.
"But she did remember. I found out during the bombing case when I over heard her tell a suspect that she remembered every second of the shooting."
Lanie nodded her head slightly, as though mentally connecting dots. "So let me get this straight. You tell her you love her within seconds of a bullet ripping through her chest, while she's still bleeding on the ground and right before she passes out. Then, a day later, when she's not even out of the ICU, you ask her what she remembers and she lies to you."
"Yeah..." She made it sound so much worse the way she said it.
"And you didn't tell her again, in that nice, clean, safe hospital room? You know, as extra assurance that it wasn't just a heat of the moment, 'please don't die on me Kate,' declaration?"
"Well, no." This conversation wasn't going the way he had anticipated. "But she did say some things are better not remembered."
Lanie responded, "Like having a bullet shot through your chest by a sniper at your mentor's funeral?"
"That's not... Lanie, you don't understand. She disappeared for three months. She said she'd call in a couple of days, then nothing."
"Oh, I'm not defending her," she said. "I'm just trying to get the facts straight. So, after she came back, she didn't give you any insight into her feelings at all?"
"Well... " He scratched his head. "She said she had a wall inside and she couldn't have the relationship she wanted until she solved her mother's case and the wall came down. But she could have been talking about breaking up with Josh..."
"Uh huh, Josh. The guy she kicked to the curb a few days after your little confession at the cemetery and hasn't mentioned since. It isn't Josh she's been flirting with and making goo-goo eyes at for the last year."
"She has not," Castle protested, but her piercing look shut him up. Maybe there had been some flirting. But he would have remembered goo-goo eyes. They would have probably been a lot like how she looked at him in the bank after the explosion. Or maybe as she told him "next time without the tiger." Or when...
Shit.
"Okay, maybe she has," he conceded. "But she hasn't said anything to me. How was I supposed to know, especially after she lied to me?"
"Was she supposed to tell you before or after you pulled up in your Ferrari with the blonde bimbo?" she threw back at him.
"It's been months, Lanie. Are you seriously telling me that the moment I tried to move on, she was ready to come around?"
The woman said, "Oh her timing, sucks, I agree. But I didn't hear about you making any real attempts to be Romeo either."
Everything she said made so much sense. Castle hadn't thought about it from Kate's perspective before. He'd been too wrapped up in the lie and what he thought was its obvious meaning to question her motives for telling it. Now everything was so messed up. Kate thought he was dating the flight attendant and leaving her for Slaughter.
"Lanie, what should I do?"
"Now that's the smartest thing that's come out of your mouth in weeks," she said. "What you're going to do is go home, put some ice on that shiner because it really looks painful, and tomorrow you're coming back here with flowers and your hat in hand and you're going to tell that girl how you feel."
The next day, Kate awoke to the smell of flowers. They had moved her to a private room the night before - she suspected someone had pulled some strings to get her a private room - and she'd spent most of the night being woken up by nurses and doctors poking and prodding her at regular intervals. However, at some point she must have fallen into a deeper sleep.
As she opened her eyes, she expected to see her father sitting in the chair next to her. She remembered him coming in to see her before she left the ICU and then staying with her throughout the night. But the man next to her, playing with his smartphone, wasn't her dad.
"Castle?" she said, her brow furrowing in confusion.
At the sound of his name, he looked up. As he did, she noticed for the first time where the flowery scent was coming from. All around her, on nearly every available surface, there sat a flower arrangement. Some were simple, some ornate. Some had balloons tied to them, and others had little stuffed animals wrapped around the vase.
"Where did all this come from?" Kate asked, not having seen the display the night before.
"Um..." His 'little kid caught doing something he wasn't supposed to' expression answered her question.
"YOU brought all these?" she asked, incredulous. "Castle- you didn't have to... this is too much."
But he just shrugged in response. "You deserve it. Besides, they were having a sale."
His voice, the way he looked at her so openly... Kate realized why it seemed different. He was different, again, or rather back to his usual self. It had only taken another near brush with death.
Her father had filled her in the night before on what had happened. She had even seen herself in the bathroom mirror when a nurse helped her make a trip to the facilities. But she truly had no memory of the fight with the suspect. She observed to herself that it was ironic how she had lied to Castle about not remembering the shooting, but this experience she really didn't remember.
"That's some shiner you have," she said, hoping to lighten the mood. She knew from Esposito that he had gotten hurt while following Slaughter, but as far as she knew, Castle hadn't been deterred from switching to follow the gang detective. Of course, a lot had happened in the intervening 36 hours, a lot of which she only had secondhand knowledge.
He touched his face as she spoke, then let out a snort. "I think you won that contest," he observed, his eyes glittering with some unspoken emotion.
"Yeah, I'll probably never hear the end of this from Gates. I have a feeling she's going to force me to take a permanent partner."
As soon as the words left her lips, Kate wished she could call them back. Castle's crestfallen expression touched something inside her that was already too raw and painful to take any more abuse.
"I mean, if you're still thinking about following Slaughter full time," she said uncertainly.
The way he looked at her then, she felt as though she were stark naked, like he could see right through her to the cracked, broken person within. She forced herself not to look away.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked softly.
She didn't hesitate. "Of course I want you to stay. But only if you want to stay. Lately it seems like you... don't."
"I want to stay."
Something in his voice tickled the back of her mind. It was guilt. He felt guilty over what had happened, about her going to interview the witness by herself and getting in trouble.
"Castle, this wasn't your fault. I went without a partner for a long time before you came along. You don't have to stay just because you feel like you have to. I can take care of myself."
Kate watched as he absorbed her statements, then closed his eyes for a second. Were those tears she saw him blinking back?
"I want to stay," he repeated. "There is no where else I would rather be than with you."
She heart started racing as she took in a sharp breath. Had he... had he really just said that? Did it mean what she thought it meant, what she hoped it meant? Or was it just Castle, riddled with guilt, sitting at her bedside and trying to make amends for some imagined responsibility in the beating?
His next words erased all her doubt. "I love you, Kate. I know you know that. I know you heard me before, when you were shot. But I think I need to tell you again. I love you."
Time seemed to stop. Kate's mind went blank, but then it filled up with a hundred thoughts, each pushing and struggling with the others for her attention. He loved her? He knew she'd lied - how did he find out? Why had he been acting so distant, if he really felt this way? Was this part of the guilt as well? Did he really love her?
Before she could respond, the door to her room opened.
"Hey girl, I came to say - wow, that's a lot of flowers!" Lanie exclaimed. Then the other woman noticed who Kate was staring at and ventured, "Is this a bad time?"
"Yes!" Kate and Castle said in unison.
"I'll come back later." Then Lanie winked at Castle as she observed, "Flowers. Nice."
Once the door had shut behind her, Kate realized that she needed to say something. The Fates of the Universe had been conspiring against them for too long, sending too many interruptions. But first, she needed to know something.
"You love me?" she asked. "But the way you've been acting... the blondes and the pulling away..."
But he was already prepared to explain. "When I heard you in the observation room talking to that kid about the bombing, I realized when you said you remembered the shooting that you remembered what I said to you that day. And because you told me you didn't remember, I thought that meant you didn't feel the same way."
"That's not true," Kate said immediately. He held up a hand to stop her.
"I finally figured that out. But at the time, I thought you were just stringing me along or you maybe you didn't want to hurt my feelings. And I thought I could prove I could get over you. I wasn't trying to hurt you."
"Well you did." She hated that she sounded like a petulant child, but his indifference had hurt far worse than she could have imagined.
"You hurt me when you lied," Castle pointed out.
Closing her eyes at the memory, she whispered, "I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you."
"Why didn't you?"
Taking a deep breath, Kate tried to collect her thoughts. It was a frequent topic with her therapist, the lie that pressed on her about the knowledge that conversely buoyed all her hopes and dreams. She wished that she could explain it, could put into words all her thoughts and justifications. But in the end, it came down to one simple thing.
"I was a coward," she said. "I was a selfish coward." She had to look away as she continued. "I wanted to be with you, but I was so afraid I'd mess it up. You were right about me hiding in meaningless relationships. It's easy to be with someone if you aren't afraid of them breaking your heart. But with you, that was the one relationship I didn't want to screw up. And I knew I would ruin it. I was so messed up, Castle. I really didn't want you to see how much. I thought if you did, you wouldn't want me."
The way he was looking at her, the love in his eyes so obvious, she wondered how she could have ever thought such a thing. "I know I don't deserve a second chance, but Castle..." She tried to say the words, but they stuck in her throat. God, she had been working so hard to be able to say it back to him, and she was going to lose this moment if she didn't. Finally, she settled on Lanie's description. "Castle I'm crazy about you. You have no idea how much."
He smiled at her in that eye-crinkling, unguarded way he had, the smile that caused her to hold her breath without realizing it and blush for no particular reason.
"Kate Beckett," he said, sounding very formal. "Would you do me the honor - after you get out of the hospital and heal up, of course - of going out with me? Nothing fancy, of course, just dinner and maybe some dancing. And by dinner I mean the most exclusive restaurant I can find with the best wine selection. There might have to be a limo involved, but I'll let you pick out your own dress."
She laughed at him. How did he always manage to make her laugh?
"Castle, I thought you'd never ask."