Chapter 16: Shopping Trip

"I...I didn't expect you to be coming along." I say idly as we continue our walk "Although that's not to say I'm not grateful." I add to make sure I'm not offending her.

"Oh, its no problem Step-Brother." I choke on air as Tohru just says that. I spin around to her with a bewildered expression.

"Wh-what did you just call me!?" Tohru looks at me as if she hadn't just said something completely unexpected just a few moments ago.

"What?" She tilts her head "The Great mother has adopted you...that makes you my step-brother…" she cups her chin and looks thoughtful "Or would it be Onii-chan...Emiya-nii-chan…"

"Just Shirou…" I give her a shaky smile "If you need to call me something...just Shirou is fine."

She nods her head "I suppose…" she looks at Tiamat walking just behind us, she's shrunk her horns to be barely larger than Tohru's and considering no one comments on them. Tohru was also kind enough to lend us a pair of trousers. She doesn't have any shoes though, she denied them on the spot apparently. I felt bad about that but she assured me there was no issue "Is there an issue, Great mother?"

"Aaaa." Tiamat lets out a cry and Tohru turns back to me, looking content.

"The Great Mother approves, therefore you shall be called Shirou from now on!" She exclaims rather enthusiastically, it also makes me feel like some kind of pet with how she says it.

"Still...don't you need to pick Kanna up from school?" I ask, Tohru waves me off immediately.

"She's staying over at the Saikawa girl's place tonight." She shrugs her shoulders "She seems to like her quite a bit. Not as much as she seems to be fond of you...but that's probably less platonic."

"...Right." I nod my head "So I need clothes for Tiamat-"

"Aaa!" I look to her, then back at Tohru' who is now noddling sagely.

"Of course." Tohru looks at me with stern expression "She says you must call her mother from now on."

"You can't be…" I trail off at the completely serious look they are both giving me. She's being one hundred percent serious. She actually is taking the mother role to the extreme "Wait...hang on a moment here…"

"Aaaa!"

I look back to Tohru "She says that if you don't call her mother, she'll ground you until you do."

"She can't ground me…" I frown, Tiamat looks at me and opens her mouth again.

"Aaaaa!" Tohru is now looking slightly confused before turning back to me.

"She says she'll trap you in your 'Reality Marble' until you learn to behave like a good child." My jaw snaps shut and any rebuttal I had dies in my throat.

I cringe as I look at the dragon goddess, now staring rather expectant at me. I release a sigh.

"Yes...mother…" I mutter. Tiamat, despite having never really shown that much emotion, suddenly looks rather pleased with herself.

"Shirou." Tohru whispers to me "What's a reality marble?"

I sigh and palm my face.

"Does she like the clothes?" I ask Tohru, Tiamat steps out from behind the curtain. She has a black turtle neck jumper and some blue jeans. She still has her black fabric going over her feet, given that she virtually denied the prospect of wearing shoes I couldn't really force her.

"Aaaa!" Tiamat replies to my question as best she can, I stare at Tohru who nods her head.

I let out a sigh of relief, I'm somewhat glad she likes the clothes "Now we just need to find some others."

"No you don't." I blink and send Tohru a questioning gaze, seeing it she decides to elaborate "I mean that the Great Mother has decided to get these clothes."

"How…" I look at her in confusion now "What is she going to wear when washing them then?"

"Washing them?" Tohru blinks at me, then looks at the Tiamat.

"Aaaa!"

"She says she's applied a spell to ensure they'll never get dirty." I don't really have a reply to that.

"Fine…" I sigh "We'll pay for them then." I look at Tohru "Did you need to shop for anything?"

"Hm?" Tohru blinks at me, something must click inside her head as she suddenly snaps her fingers "That's it! I need swimsuits!"

"...I see."

"Speaking of which, Shirou. Kobayashi was going to take me and Kanna to the beach at the weekend. Did you and the Great mother want to come?"

"Well...I can't really speak for Tiam-"

"AAAA!"

"...Mother...when I say this, but I wouldn't mind going I suppose." I shrug "It depends if I'm working at the weekend or not."

"I see." Tohru nods and scowls "Honestly, both you and Kobayashi-san are too taken up with work to enjoy yourselves. Don't you think so, Great mother?"

"Aaaa." I don't need a translation for that sentence, considering the small nod that Tiamat gives me. It seems my penchant for working has already been noticed by both Tohru and Tiamat.

"Fine…" I sigh "I'll see what I can do." I shake my head "Lets get those clothes in a bag and we'll go pay."

"Aaa"

"Yeah." Tohru nods "Great mother says you haven't gotten any clothes yet."

"I don't need new clothes." I shrug "I'm fine with the ones I'm already wearing."

"Aaaaaa!" She's now frowning at me, somehow I don't think she's going to let this go.

"Shirou, Shirou, Shirou…" Tohru shakes her head "I don't think you quite understand…" she leans in closer to me, her relaxed expression shifts into one of panic in an instant "Seriously! Let her dress you up!" she whispers at me "I'm scared of what will happen if she gets upset...and I want to be on good standing with the Great Mother for when I invite her to mine and Kobayashi's wedding!"

"...There are one or two things I take issue with that sentence with." I begin with a frown "Besides, I really don't need any clothes. The ones I'm currently wearing are fine as they are."

"Aaaaa." Tiamat marches over to me and puts her hands on her hips, narrowing her eyes at me "Aaaaa Aaa Aaaahhh!"

"She says if you don't buy new clothes, then she's going to regress your age...and dress you up herself." Tohru gives me a withering look as she delivers the rather disturbing translation to me.

"I...I suppose I could do with some new shirts…" I mutter to myself, I've never seen Tiamat look so smug before.

Tohru narrows her eyes at me and looks me over with a surprisingly thoughtful expression, she hums as she stares at me. I feel as though something is going very wrong here.

"...How about a butler outfit…" Tohru hums to herself "Kobayashi-san was talking about how she'd never seen a proper one…"

"No." I deny her instantly "I am not wearing a butler outfit."

"Why not?" She whines at me "I like wearing my maid outfit! It's surprisingly comfortable and makes you feel important!"

"...No." I cross my arms "If I am going to buy clothes, they are going to be sensible ones that I will actually wear in public."

"I wear my maid outfit in public." She crosses her arms and frowns at me.

"Tohru...that is because you have very little in the way of shame." Now she looks quite insulted.

"Wh-you! I have self-respect!"

"Kobayashi-san told me that you asked her to brand you in a store for school supplies." She winces "For small children."

"W-well…" She flushes with embarrassment and looks around "This and that are…"

Tiamat is now staring at her with a disapproving look, I feel a somewhat vindictive feeling as the tables are turned on Tohru. Yeah, not so fun when the Dragon Mother is disappointed in you, is it?

"Well...At least wear the butler outfit before you decide!"

"No."

"Please!"

"No."

"I'll stop putting my tail in the curry!"

"You shouldn't be doing that anyway!" I snap at her "If I find out from Kobayashi-san that you've been disrespecting food like that, I swear to the root I will place a bounded field in that kitchen to keep you out of it!"

She clams up after that, then looks around for something to get me with. Then snaps her fingers "I'll translate for you and the Great Mother!"

"…" I raise my eyebrow at her "Didn't Kanna say that learning her language would liquefy my brain?"

"Silly Shirou." Tohru changes her tune and speaks to me like a child while cackling "All I need to do is place a translation spell on her rather than you. She'll be able to speak your language."

"Wouldn't she be able to do that anyway?" I ask her, then blink in surprise and turn to Tiamat "Actually can you do that?"

She stares at me for a few moments "It's not that difficult...I didn't want to make you too uncomfortable little one." she speaks to me with a small smile.

...Oh…

I shrug and turn to Tohru, her bargaining for me to wear a butler outfit now virtually at nothing.

"I would also like to see you in a Butler outfit…" She tilts her head at me and smiles "You will do mother this favour, won't you little one?"

"We-well…" I sweat and look around "There's really no need to-"

"Won't you?"

I sigh after a few moments "Fine...find your butler outfit."

"Yay!" Tohru grins "You won't regret this! Kobayashi is going to be so proud of me for doing this!"

Its been several hours now. Kobayashi has been calling my phone, telling me that she'll hire me as a butler.

Tohru was actually rewarded for getting the photos. It seems that the reward wasn't specified, but it was enough for her to try and force me into the outfit and bind it to my skin.

Which she would have done were it not for Tiamat telling her off.

Although she made me buy the outfit.

Apparently I looked 'handsome' in it. Luvia-san and Tohsaka said the same thing when I wore it for a Christmas party.

It was why I was so dead set against it. I felt like I was on display.

Still…

I shouldn't have to worry that much about the Beach…

Right?

AN:

Smiles. Damn...that was much easier.

*Cracks neck* we'll be moving along further. Nice to see positive reception to the change.

Anyway...Here's an Omake!

"Is there a reason you are surrounded by these...things?" The man stares at me with a barely restrained disgust "Its like an infestation...one I cannot abide."

I snarl at him "If you can't abide it, then I have no issue with you killing yourself."

"Ho?" He grins at me, although there isn't any humour in it at all "You have a rather bold tongue there, Faker. Perhaps I shall teach you the price for such impudence in he presence of a King?"

"Umm...Shirou? Why is your roommate glaring at us?" Tohru asks, the golden haired man turns to stare her down. The look of superiority still on his face, even in the presence of four phantasmals.

"I do not recall giving permission to Mongrels to frolic in my garden." He sneers at her "You're presence here is as welcome as weeds to a flowerbed." his eyes narrow and his lips curl into a frown as his gaze travels to Kobayashi, I move to place myself in front of her "To think such a common and unremarkable wench could attract such beasts to her side..." he tilts his head and his lips thin "Is it the fact you are so dull that they stand beside you? Some childish fascination with seeing their own superiority?"

"Oi!" Tohru snaps "Don't you make fun of Kobayashi-san's dead fish eyes! Those are her most attractive parts!"

Gilgamesh slowly looks to her with a raised eyebrow "Fu...Fuhaha...Fuhahahahahaha!" then throws his head back and laughs "You seek to court her? Fuhahaha! You!? A beast who will outlive her a hundred times!? Fuhahahahahaha!" his laughter continues, much to Tohru's irritation.

"I'm not 'courting her' I'm seducing her!"

"Fool!" Gilgamesh snaps "Grovelling before her is not courting! You should be firm! You are a phantasmal! You should simply take her purity from her if you desire it!"

"Wa-wait what!?" Kobayashi exclaims in shock, I saw this coming a mile off.

"See!" He gestures to her with a smirk "She blushes like a newly wed wife at the very notion of being picked...although..." he frowns "Perhaps she has not yet ripened..." his eyes travel to her chest and he grimaces "She does not have the looks of Saber to counter that small flaw...dullness spoilt by immaturity..."

"H-hey!"

"Still!" Gilgamesh snaps "Perhaps I shall demonstrate to you how to court these mongrels!" he holds his hand into the air, I tense as he looks to summon a portal "Now mongrel virgin girl! Prepare yourself! A.U.O. Cast Off!" he snaps his fingers and then suddenly a golden light flashes across the room.

I cover my eyes as it dies down, then hold out my hands and prepare to project me weapons.

"Whaaaa!" Tohru screams Kobayashi stutters in horror. I myself feel shock run through my system.

"Do not be so ashamed!" Gilgamesh announces with a smirk, completely ignoring the fact that he just stripped naked in front of us "My naked body surpasses even the most perfect of diamonds!"

"E-Emiya!" Kobayashi snaps at me...although she's still looking at him... "Ge-get him to put on his clothes!"

"There is no need to be so bashful mongrel!" Gilgamesh announces with a smirk, then turns to Tohru "This is the way to court your mongrel concubine! Sieze her now!"

"R-right!" Tohru now looks oddly determined...wait no! "D.M.T. (Dragon Maid Tohru) Cast off!"