I don't own RWBY or any of its characters. Title inspired by the poem "When Tomorrow Starts Without Me" by David Romano.

Dedicated to my dear friends, Swishyhead and GodRealm.

TW: Real depictions of grief and loss, self-deprecating and dark thoughts, mentions of death, suicidal thoughts, and what happened to Penny still happens.

If any of that bothers you, please keep that in mind. Take care of your mental health first!

It had been two days. Two sunrises, two sunsets, two days of oblivious people, two days without her. Two days since Ruby's world came screeching to a halt, and shattered.

It had happened two days ago, but it felt like time was frozen for her. The sun rose and set, but she was still stuck in that moment, stuck in the instant when her universe exploded into nothing. How could she continue on? How could she live, fight, do anything at all, when she had lost one of her most important pieces? She didn't know. For all she cared, her world was over.

But even though Ruby's world had come to a halt, the world kept turning, and people kept living their lives. When Ruby somehow managed to emerge from the numbness for a minute, she often privately, jealously, thought that was unfair. How could the world keep turning with her gone? How could the world survive without its sun? Without her sun? She wondered sometimes, why she had to go through so much loss. Sometimes… sometimes she wished that other people could go through it instead, so she could keep her few remaining loved ones. She had already lost so much. Most of the time, she squashed those thoughts down ruthlessly, cursing herself for being so selfish, for wishing something so horrible on others, something she was so familiar with, something that ached and ached, and never stopped aching-

-but on those rare occasions, during those worse moments, those horribly cold, bitter, grief-stricken moments, she couldn't help but wish those things, and not want to take them back. Deep down, sometimes she meant it. She knew it was awful, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Not since… not since it happened. Not since her world came crashing down around her ears. She knew she was supposed to feel guilty, feel horrible for thinking that way, and maybe, in time, she would. But she couldn't. Not now. Her world had stopped turning, and no one knew.

In moments when the fog lifted, and she was granted a brief respite, Ruby wondered how it all went so wrong. How everything, all the hope and happiness was destroyed in an instant. She wondered why the hope, why the happiness was so fleeting.

It's all your fault.

They had arrived in Vacuo two days ago. It had been chaos at first, disorganized and panicked- but help had arrived shortly after. Team SSSN and Team CFVY (She didn't even know they were in Vacuo. She supposed she didn't know much of anything at all anymore.) had come to help them, sent by Theodore, the headmaster of Shade Academy. They helped fight off the Grimm, aided by the rest of Team RWBY and JNR, and eventually with Winter's help, were able to clear the sandstorm and gather the people. SSSN and CFVY led the way to Vacuo, and eventually, Shade. There, Theodore had asked them questions, and Ruby had done her best to answer.

At least, that's what she could remember. Truth be told, she couldn't remember much of what had happened in the past two days. It all just seemed like a blur to her, clouded by her grief. Minutes felt like years, and hours passed in an instant. The only thing constant to her was pain. When they had arrived at Shade, she remembered trying to bury her feelings, to act like a leader, like she should, but only feeling like a failure. She remembered Theodore mentioning a guesthouse, and preparing for Salem, and then just feeling lost. She remembered the view outside her (she supposed it was hers) window, palm trees leaning in the wind and golden sand stretching endlessly into the horizon, the harsh Vacuo sun beating relentlessly onto her inhabitants. She didn't remember the journey here, but she supposed this was the guesthouse. And then, she remembered nothing but despair.

It got cold in Vacuo at night. She knew that, logically. She knew that deserts get cold at night. Sun had told her too, back at Beacon when they all hung out, but she never really understood just how cold it really was. How cold it would be… without Yang.

STOP.

She didn't want to think about that. She couldn't think about that. She was already broken beyond repair, but if she fell to pieces, her teammates would lose their leader too.

But how can I lead them when- STOP IT.

StopitstopitstopitdontthinkaboutityoucantaffordtostopitstopitstopitSTOPIT! I don't want to! I don't want to think about that!

She didn't want to think about her sister.

(She couldn't afford to.)

And yet, her mind drifted to her anyway.

Her beautiful, kind, fiery sister, her smile like the sun (bright, but always, always warm).

Her hugs, tight but gentle, like being wrapped in a blanket fresh out of the dryer. Like freshly baked cookies.

Yang, who let Ruby crawl into her bed after nightmares, who read to her, who always cared for her, who always made her laugh, who helped raise her when Uncle Qrow was gone, and Dad was far away, locked inside his own head. Yang, who she took for granted. And now it was too late. She'd never see her sister again. Never get another hug, another headlock. She'd never hear her tease her again, hear her laugh at her own ridiculous puns, never hear her disbelieving or outraged shouts after their uncle's crazy stories. How was she supposed to go on? She had already lost so much. Her mom, Pyrrha… Penny. Oh god, Penny. Another loss that ate at her. On top of that, she had no idea where her uncle was, if he was okay. If he was even… alive. What was she going to do?

Unbeknownst to her, the door to her room creaked open softly behind her. As quickly as it began to open, it stopped, leaving the door open just a crack. Just enough for someone to peek through, but not enough to disturb. Jaune peered in through the crack, seeing her stare blankly at the wall, eyes a million miles away, lost in her own mind. He was worried for her. She hadn't been eating, and he knew she wasn't sleeping properly. He could hear her quiet sobs and screams as she awoke from her nightmares, in between the blood-soaked images of his own. He watched her, pained and sad, knowing he was responsible for a large portion of her grief. He knew the pain of losing someone. Someone you care for so much, someone who felt like family. And yet, he couldn't save her from that. No matter how much he tried. Instead, he practically forced it on her. What kind of a monster was he?

He faltered, memories flashing rapid-fire through his mind. Blonde hair falling, blood, a broken sword, screams of anguish, and lost silver eyes, looking through him like he wasn't even there. He shuddered and shook his head, turning away and pulling the door shut quietly behind him. No. It was better for him to stay away from her. She didn't need to be tainted by him, to have to deal with her friend's…

He swallowed harshly, blinking back tears. Her friend's murderer. It was better this way. It didn't matter what the others thought. They were probably wrong anyway. Why would Ruby listen to him? Why would she care about anything he thought? Maybe before, when he wasn't a killer, when his hands weren't stained with her friend's blood, when he was her best friend, his thoughts and feelings may have mattered. But now? Now, he doubted anything he did or thought would matter to Ruby. After all, he thought bitterly, they barely mattered to himself anymore.

Ruby Rose was seething.

To the people that knew her, that was a rare thing. Ruby was usually a bubbly, happy, optimistic girl, never failing to see the bright side, always trying to find another way, and never giving up, no matter how dire the situation. Only Ruby knew the turmoil that brewed within her constantly, but she never let it show. But now… Now she was furious, and for once, she was unable to contain it. How could Yang leave her? Why did she have to take that hit? The hit that was meant for her? She took that hit and left her, and though Ruby was older now, she still depended on her older sister sometimes, still looked up to her (literally, Yang would joke). How could she just leave her? Ruby wanted to scream, so frustrated she could hardly think, and so devastated she could hardly breathe, the ache in her chest and lump in her throat constant companions. How dare the world keep turning without Yang? How dare people be oblivious to her pain? She sacrificed so much for them, and they didn't even know. It wasn't fair. She clenched her fists, grabbing at her hair. It isn't-! She cut that thought short. She was sounding like Salem. She didn't want to sound like Salem.

Ruby blinked, exhausted. She was tired of thinking about her sister, of always being in pain. Hadn't she lost enough? Why was it always her losing people? She wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Why couldn't she keep her loved ones for a change? Keep them safe, and with her. Why couldn't someone else take the loss instead? She wanted to cry, to quash those thoughts down, deep, where no one would ever find them, but she couldn't muster the energy to. She knew she should regret the thoughts, but she found that she didn't want to. Just this once, Ruby wanted to be a child, to act her age, to finally, finally let go of the burden weighing so heavily on her shoulders. To finally just feel.

She closed her eyes, drained. All she could see was that moment, that miserable, soul-crushing moment, flashing constantly in front of her eyes. She saw it from every angle, from Blake screaming, to herself, shocked and terrified, to Yang, disappearing over the edge in slow motion, mind tormenting her with horrific images, betraying her in the worst way possible. She could do nothing but suffer through, a punishment self-inflicted on an undeserving victim, eyes squeezed shut and shudders wracking her frame, trying to push the memories aside. She tried to avoid thinking about Yang if she could help it, but found that even if she thought about mundane facts, she'd find a way to loop them back to Yang. Thoughts kept spinning through her mind-

Could she have stopped it? If she had reacted sooner maybe…

-but they disappeared amidst the spiral of despair she had entrenched herself in as rapidly as they had appeared. She covered her face with her hands. She was so tired. She was tired of being angry. Of taking constant losses, no matter how much she tried to prevent them, of always being so frustrated. She was tired of losing, she was tired of feeling helpless, and she was tired of the constant grief nestled deep in her chest, buried so fully in her lungs it was hard to breathe. She was tired of feeling. Sometimes she wished she couldn't feel anything at all. She was just so tired.

You're a failure. You can't protect the people. You can't even protect your own sister! What are you good for?

She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, as if that could block out the hissing of her brain, and the darker thoughts buried deeper within.

You couldn't save Pyrrha, you couldn't save Penny, you can't even save your own sister. What can you do? Can you do anything? A Huntress is supposed to protect the people, and you've failed miserably every time.

She grabbed at her hair, tugging at it roughly. Stop. That's not true! I saved people in Vale, and we saved the people of Atlas-

But you couldn't save anyone important to you. Arguably the most important part, and you failed. You may as well give up now. You're pathetic and useless. A worthless, no-good, wannabe-Huntress. You wanted to be a hero like your mom. To help people. You thought you could. Well, that went down the drain, didn't it?

Tears leaked out from her shut eyes, rolling down the sides of her face.

Yeah that's right. Cry. Just like a widdle baby, right? That's all you are anyway. Just a child, trying to take on something too big for her. You can shut your eyes all you want, it won't change the truth. You try to run from the truth, to hide from it, to close your eyes to it, just like a child thinks they can hide from monsters by hiding under the covers and shutting their eyes. Cowardly.

A sob burst out of her chest, unwillingly. What was she doing? Playing at being a hero? Like her mom? A mother she didn't even fully remember, a mother she was told stories about, a mother-

-a mother that probably didn't even exist.

Her mind flashed treacherously back to when she was a child. A… bird (A raven, she corrected. She knew the truth now. That was Raven Branwen.) had squawked at her about her mother, had berated her and had told her that her mother was weak, that she could never be a true mother to her sister, that she wasn't the hero she was made out to be. She was never the perfect wife, never the "Super-Mom, Huntress Extraordinaire". Ruby was upset at the time, and though her uncle and Yang had comforted her and told her the truth, that though her mother was never in-fact perfect, she was kind and brave, she had never really forgotten those things. She had dismissed it, and after meeting Raven, she had all but classified it as lies, but now she couldn't help but wonder if it was true. Or at least…

You sound… just like your mother.

She wondered whether Raven saw right through her. Whether she could see her facade, whether she knew that she was a phony. That she was trying to be a hero, but was weak. Useless-

Summer Rose could never be a true mother to Yang. She was weak-

-and no child of hers could be better.

-Just like her mother.

Ruby hiccupped out a sob. She was never going to be good enough. She was never good enough. What was she supposed to do now?

She sat up, opening her eyes, tears streaking down her face. Then she inhaled sharply.

Across the room, leaning against the wall was a very familiar spear and shield. Miló and Akoúo̱, she thought, dazed. What-? She blinked, and then it was a group of swords, some stabbed into the floor, others laying flat, blood-stained and scattered.

Floating Array.

She took a shaky breath, staring at the swords- Penny's swords-- vacantly. She stared for a moment and then blinked.

A single gauntlet resting on the floor, acid yellow.

Another blink and then- another gauntlet, splattered and stained with blood, a dismembered arm within that was leaking blood into a puddle.

Her breath hitched violently, eyes filling with tears. She choked, and was overtaken by a coughing fit. When she stopped and looked back up, the gauntlets were gone. There was no sign of anything other than her things in the room. The numbers on the clock on the nightstand (2:00, she registered absently) burned a bloody-red, streaking bright red lines across her vision. From a distance, she thought morbidly, they could probably be mistaken for Grimm eyes.

Some part of her wished it was a Grimm. Maybe then… Maybe then she could be free.

She shook the thought away before heaving a shaky breath, and burying her face in her hands. Tears dripped slowly down her palms. She stayed that way for a few moments, and then flopped back bonelessly onto the bed, curling up and turning her face into her pillow, crying silently. She was just so tired.

She looked up at the window, staring outside blankly, tears streaked across her cheeks and exhausted, she finally passed out.

*slides box of tissues over*

Sorry.

That's the first chapter of my very first fic! Hope you enjoyed! Special thanks and shoutouts to my friends Maka_Tsubaki, lilredreaper, GodRealm, and JackWhite2002 for "bullying" me into it, and thanks for all the help and support as I was writing. Thanks to all my friends who beta-ed and looked it over for me as well, you guys are wonderful. Another thank you to all my friends in the Kingdom of Lancaster server, and a final thank you to my friend Swishyhead.

If you liked this chapter, consider leaving a like/kudos and/or a comment, both are appreciated!

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See you next time!