Harry Potter and the crazy Cossack
Strong language
crossover with Ogniem i Mieczem [with fire and the sword]; for those not au fait with this very exciting story, it's set in the 17th century in the Cossack uprising against Poland-Lithuania and the love story winding through it is of Helena, nice but a bit tedious and Jan Skrzetuski [Yan Skrzhuski], ditto, and the attempts of the tragic anti-hero Jurij aka Jurko Bohun [Yuri Bogun] to abduct her to marry her himself as he saw her first. He is helped by a witch called Horpyna. It does come on YouTube with subtitles, be aware there is some shockingly graphic violence in places as well as a lot of fairly broad humour oh, and it's 3 hours or so. It ends with Jan letting a captive Jurko go free, and any red blooded woman who has watched it lusts after Alexander Dumogorov as Bohun. and sighs heavily as he rides off into the sunset with the voice over explaining how thoroughly fucked both Poland and the Ukraine were by this debacle.
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Chapter 1
Jurko Bohun unsaddled his horse. The year was 1652 and he could stomach it no longer.
"Go free, old friend," he said. "I'm going to try the magic pill Horpyna gave me to use when my life seemed worst. To owe my life and freedom to Jan Skrzetuski and to see Helena happy with him ...
He took the pill.
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To say that Severus Snape was surprised to see a scruffy, eight-year-old boy materialise before him is an understatement of litotic proportions. He had messy black hair and liquid sea-coloured eyes and delicate bones.
The boy yelped, and ... well, one had to assume he swore, but the language was unfamiliar.
Severus also swore.
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Jurko frowned. Latin would work, maybe? All educated men spoke Latin, and he had painfully acquired some. He tried it.
"Hello, my name is Jurij Bohun, and I don't know why I am in the body of myself as a child."
The man in the unusually long black kontusz looked relieved.
"My name is Severus Snape. I'm going to teach you English the quick way."
"English? England is forever away, halfway round the world ... fuck, fuck, fuck!"
"Language," said Severus. "What was the last thing you recall?"
"Letting my horse go and taking the witch's pill," said Jurko. "I have knowledge implanted with taking it that I am to go to someone who will teach me all I need and that I am the same age as someone as alone in the world as I am who will need a bodyguard to save the world. I am bloody good with a sabre, so that makes me feel happier. So long as it isn't Jan Skrzetuski who stole my girl."
"Oh." Said Severus. "Well, we have that in common; the saviour's father stole mine."
"So you're not wanting to visit that happy home, I guess."
"His parents are dead," said Severus, harshly.
"I never knew my father," said Jurko. "We could pretend you are my father as I'm stuck in this body."
Severus regarded him thoughtfully.
"It would help if you could be friends with Harry Potter so I don't have to be obvious," he said. "I'm not sure about being your father."
"You don't want me, either. Oh, well, fine, I'll manage," said Jurko.
"Wait, I didn't say that. It's ... complex. Besides, how would you manage on your own?"
"Hunt, fish, steal," said Jurko.
"You can't ... what year was it when you left?"
"1652."
Severus pinched the top of his nose.
"It's 1988."
"Shit. I suppose a lot has changed. Have the effing Swedes conquered all of Europe?"
"Swedes? No. We had some trouble with the Germans."
"Which ones?"
"All of them. They unified."
"That would be a problem," agreed Jurko. "So, are you nobility?"
"No, though my mother's family were."
"Ah, too bad it doesn't follow in the female line. You act like a noble. I expect you can read and write as well."
"Of course I can read and write, everyone ... no, not in your period. I will teach you the quick way or I'll lose my temper; I don't like teaching."
"This quick way ..."
"Magic. And you must have the potential or you'd be no good as a bodyguard to Potter."
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Learning was hard, and sitting still inside was harder. Neither man had much patience or good tempers, but Jurko sullenly learned to comply after he had been stuck to the ceiling several times madder than hornets, or in his own idiom, with a nose full of flies.
"You remind me too much of me," said Severus. "But you must learn to control your temper. I let mine out so far, but it is on a leash so I have a safety valve but don't let it go to extremes. If you are handling magic, which is far more dangerous than a sabre, you must control it, or it controls you, and then you become as bad as the Dark Lord, whom Potter is supposed to overthrow. When you can contain it, and have the knowledge to live in the modern age, we'll take a house in the same neighbourhood as him, and you can go to school and meet him."
"School!" Jurko was horrified.
"It's the law here that all juveniles go to school until they are sixteen. When you are eleven you will go to Hogwarts school for witches and wizards, until you are eighteen. I don't care if part of you is twenty three, if you plan to be Potter's bodyguard, that's the way it is."
"Can I at least have a horse?"
"I can't afford a horse. But I'll speak to my friend, Lucius, and see if you can work in the holidays in his stables with his flying horses."
"Flying horses? Oh my!" breathed Jurko, reverently. "If my hoard is still there, we could maybe get it, considering you jumped me all around the place by magic."
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