Parvati: Can you believe we're going to be getting taught by a centaur?
Lavender: I know, it's horrible what happened to Trelawney.
Parvati: I bet you're regretting dropping Divination now, aren't you Hermione?
Hermione: Not really, I don't want to be taught by someone whose fursona is a horse.
Harry: Or even have any association with someone who has a fursona in general. Thing is, I met Firenze four years ago, and the guy's not a furry.
Hermione: Really?
Harry: Yeah, he's a weirdo in other ways.
Lavender: Like how?
Harry: Nah, it's gonna be way more amusing to me actually seeing it in action with a class full of students.
Fred: Guys, please take a drink of something.
George: It doesn't matter what.
Hermione: *eyes narrowing* Why?
Fred: …no reason.
Student 1: Ugh, what's wrong with the orange juice today?
Student 2: Yeah, the coffee's not much better.
Student 3: Neither's the pumpkin juice.
Student 4: OH GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!
Hermione: *looking around the Great Hall at everyone suffering from something* What the fuck did you guys do?
George: Nothing you can prove *looks around the Great Hall to see that everyone now looks like him and Fred* …maybe you can prove something.
Umbridge: *walking into the Great Hall* …what the…
Entire Great Hall of Freds and Georges: Good morning Professor Umbridge.
Umbridge: …SEVERUS! I assume you're planning to punish them for this?
Snape: *currently looking like one of the twins* I should, shouldn't I?
Umbridge: …well?
Snape: As infuriated as I am, a small part of me is impressed that they pulled this off. So impressed, that I'm not going to do anything.
McGonagall: *also looking like a twin* You also don't have proof that the Weasley twins have done anything.
Umbridge: What do you mean I don't have… *McGonagall rips some of Umbridge's hair out* OW! What was that…
McGonagall: I seem to have a few of your hairs. Without your consent, of course, but I still have them. Severus, do I have a key Polyjuice Potion ingredient in my hand?
Snape: *smirking* Indeed you do, Minerva.
Umbridge: …this place is a fucking nuthouse.
*in Divination*
Firenze: Greetings, all ye students. My name is Firenze, and I have been tasked with one of my most dangerous quests ever.
Neville: Did Dumbledore say this would be dangerous?
Firenze: Huh? No, my best buddies Bane and Ronan told me that something horrible was happening at the castle, and that I was the only one who could handle it.
Harry: I'm not entirely sure why you'd be trusting the guy who broke Batman's back and the guy who stole the Power Stone from Thanos, but go on.
Firenze: So, who wants to go hunting the forces of evil with me?
Parvati: Umm…aren't we here to learn Divination?
Firenze: Ah, anticipating the enemy's moves. An excellent strategy. Who here knows what our enemy is?
Ron: Professor Umbridge.
Firenze: The lady in pink? *slaps himself in the head* Of course it is, she's wearing the most evil of colours. Now, someone so evil they're willing to flaunt it like that will require careful planning and strategy, and that's what our classes shall focus on.
Harry: I knew this class was going to be fun.
*after class*
Firenze: Fare-thee-well students, we shall continue our planning next time. Mr. Potter, may I speak with you before you go?
Harry: …sure. What is it?
Firenze: I need you to inform your friend Sir Hagrid that what he intends to do isn't working as it should.
Harry: Okay, I'm gonna need more information about this. Like, since when is Hagrid a knight, and what is he…
Firenze: Just tell him, okay? It's already eaten three centaurs and a unicorn, and has been leaving an awful mess in the forest.
Harry: Okay, seriously, what the fuck is he… *Firenze walks away* …or just ignore me, that works too.
*later*
Hagrid: 'ello 'arry.
Harry: Hey Hagrid, I have a message from Firenze.
Hagrid: Oh? What's 'e want?
Harry: He said to stop whatever you're doing in the forest.
Hagrid: Nope.
Harry: Yeah, I figured that's what you'd say. Even though you're covered in approximately 12 litres of your own blood and your nose is an innie instead of an outie.
Hagrid: Oh, noses go from innie to outie all the time. Watch *reaches into the hole where his nose should be and tries to pull it out*
Harry: I…don't think I need to see this *leaves*
Hagrid: *sickening popping sound* Ah, there it is.
*at the last DADA meeting before Easter*
Harry: Okay, now I want to teach you guys how to create a Patronus. However, this is something incredibly difficult, and is best done when actually facing a dementor.
Lavender: Then how did you learn it?
Harry: Lupin kidnapped one and made me fight it until I could actually beat it.
Dean: Okay, do that.
Harry: Are you fucking insane?
Dean: No, I'm fucking the Patil sisters.
Harry: Say WHAT?!
Parvati: We have a life outside whatever you're doing, you know?
Padma: Also, he's black, and you know what that means.
Harry: …okay, no idea how he got both of you to agree to that…
Dean: You and Ron are the ones who ditched them at the Yule Ball, you should know.
Harry: And you're still banging after all this time? Huh…good work.
Hermione: Are you actually going to teach us the spell?
Harry: Right, right. The spell is Expecto Patronum. Think of a happy memory as you cast it, and it usually works.
Hermione: You mean like this? *Hermione shows a silvery otter floating around her*
Harry: Hermione's disqualified.
Hermione: What? Why?
Harry: I didn't say go yet.
Ron: Cheater.
Harry: Alright, go.
Seamus: *pointing his wand at his dick* Expecto Patro…
Harry: Dude, really?
Seamus: I have a record to maintain, you know.
Harry: You really don't have t… *door opens and closes* Huh, I thought everyone was here.
Dobby: *out of breath* Harry Potter…
Harry: Oh, hey Dobby. What's up?
Dobby: *still out breath* …she…knows…
Harry: …what?
Dobby: The one…you are hiding this…from. She's coming *silence for a few seconds*
Harry: Okay, there's no need to panic. The Room gives us whatever we need whenever we need it, including other exits, and can't be accessed except by those with permission to use this version of the room. So, all we have to do is…
Ron: SCATTER! *everyone starts charging out of the room in the same direction, dragging Harry with them*
Harry: God damn it people, I had a plan *gets away from the crowd* Well, guess I'll have to pretend I was somewhere els…
Draco: GOTCHA! *catches Harry in a headlock* PROFESSOR! I got one.
Umbridge: Excellent work, Draco. This proves once and for all that Potter was organising a group that went against school rules.
Harry: Does it though?
Umbridge: Of course, what else would you be doing here at this time?
Harry: Well, there's a bathroom right there *nods in the direction of a nearby door* and you don't know how badly I need to shit. Do you wanna risk it?
Umbridge: Draco, watch him while he shits. If he doesn't actually need to go, then he won't be able to.
Harry: Do you really want to say that Dolly? After everything we've been through with your blood quill?
Umbridge: …on second thought, let's just take him to Dumbledore.
Draco: Oh thank God.
Harry: What's wrong Malfoy? Afraid you'll enjoy what you see?
Draco: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Harry: I have a severe case of not giving a fuck.
*in Dumbledore's office*
Fudge: Ah, excellent, you've caught the ringleader of the gang.
Harry: You have no proof of whatever it is you're accusing me of.
Fudge: Quiet boy, we can always have something fabricated for you.
Kingsley: Sir, that's slightly illegal.
Fudge: Oh, like anyone's going to find out.
McGonagall: I'm standing right here.
Umbridge: Minerva, you have no power here.
McGonagall: The fuck I don't.
Fudge: Back to the business at hand. Bring out the witness *Marietta comes out from behind a curtain, covering a part of her face*
Harry: Oh, hey, it's…you. Yeah, hey, how's it going?
Marietta: You forgot who I am, didn't you?
Harry: Absolutely I did *Marietta moves her hands away from her face to glare at him* Holy fuck, what happened to you?
Marietta: *with the word "SNEAK" spelt out in pimples on her forehead* Your friend Hermione did this to me, after I told Umbridge about your group.
Harry: Uh huh, and was there any reason to say anything whatsoever about any group, real or fictional?
Umbridge: SEE?! He admits it.
Harry: That was not a confession.
Percy: Too bad, I already recorded as one.
Harry: Go die in a hole.
Fudge: That's enough. Young lady, all you have to do is tell us what you know, and we can have Potter executed right now.
McGonagall: Minister, that would be breaking the law.
Fudge: I make the law.
Marietta: I… *suddenly, Marietta's eyes go blank* I don't remember anything.
Umbridge: WHAT?! That's not what I told you when I fed you that Veritaserum.
Kingsley: *subtly putting his wand away* I guess the poor girl is so traumatised by what has happened that she's forgotten everything.
McGonagall: Also, using that stuff is VERY illegal.
Umbridge: And would also stop that child lying about the Dark Lord being back.
Harry: Okay, seriously, what do I have to gain by lying about that, exactly?
Fudge: You want to me make look bad by claiming the Dark Lord came back under my leadership, that's what you're doing.
Harry: No, what's making you look bad is your insistence on using your political power to attack a fifteen-year-old rather than investigate if what he says has any truth to it. Best case, you could have stopped him while he didn't have much support. Worst case, you find out I'm crazy and I can get the psychological treatment I need. Neither would reflect badly on you, and in the case of the former, you'd actually have been called a hero.
Fudge: Yeah, but the latter easier to do, so that's why I'm doing it.
Umbridge: It doesn't matter anyway. We have proof you would disobeying the rules right here *produces the list of Dumbledore's Army members*
Dumbledore: *who'd been asleep at his desk the whole time, waking up* Huh? What? What's happening? *sees who's in his office* Shit, the fuzz is here *immediately dives out the window. They then see him flapping his arms as he flies away*
McGonagall: Umm…what I think he means is that, this is Dumbledore's Army, not Potter's army, and therefore Potter is cleared of all charges.
Umbridge: Not when I'm through with him.
McGonagall: Actually, as deputy Headmistress, I assume control of the school if the Headmaster is gone.
Fudge: Don't worry Dolores, I can fix that. Come, with have more power to give you *leaves with Umbridge, Percy, and Kingsley*
Harry: This doesn't bode well to me.