Two days later, and after his mother left from visiting, Loki decided to take a walk outside as he felt suffocated by the healing chamber air. He stood up from the bed carefully, his wounds were still hurting upon sudden movement. He went to change his medical clothes to ordinary ones. He wore a simple dark green shirt with a black pants that were wide in size to avoid putting pressure on the wounds. He headed for the door in slow steps. "heading out my prince?". The guard asked with a pure smile on his face.
Loki knitted his eyebrows, puzzled by the guard's behavior. "yes". No such guard greeted him before with a smile.
"as you wish". The guard opened the door for him and gave a slight bow. Loki was surprised again, he is treating him with respect. He ignored the weird guard as he didn't feel like paying much attention to him and walked past him to the halls.
Loki put his hand up blocking the sunlight that brushed his skin. The warmth of it, it felt like centuries since he last felt it. He lowered his hand and stood in silence. he didn't really have a specific place to go to. He then started to walk, letting his legs take him to wherever it went.
While he was walking, and just when he thought he saw the worst from the servants judging. He was proven wrong as the royalty and ministry who pumped in him on his way greeted him. Greeted him with disdain. He sadly found himself deserving of such a treatment and accepted it.
Loki continued his way aimlessly, till his legs took him to the training yard. He stopped there standing a little bit far, hiding from the eyes of soldiers behind a tree. He stared at the Asgardians battling. Among them were lady sif and the warriors three. His mind engulfed in the sound of swords clashing on each other, in the sound of roars and smacking the hard ground. He was lost in them until suddenly. "Loki!". A cheerful voice called him, approaching him from the training yard with a wide smile. "brother! Glad to see you here. you came to join us?". Loki stared at the figure dumbfounded. "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a jotun".
"i..i..". Loki stuttered in reality and his guard caught attention to it. The guard stared to where Loki is looking and didn't see anything. Yet the look of shock was obvious on Loki.
"Come on now, let's spar. I won't take no for an answer". The figure stretched his hand in an offering gesture with a compationet smile.
Loki smiled. He always liked how his brother was able to spot him from a distance and came and asked him to spar. He liked battling Thor. The only thing he hated was the mockery that would follow from hus friends and everyone else. the reason why he frequently refused to join the training. Now out of delightness of seeing him, he didn't think much about it and accepted. "alright". He went to catch the hand that was offered to him and it went through it. The silhouette disappeared, returning Loki to reality. "no…". He said faintly and the happiness shattered. At this point he felt himself panicking and had to get out of here. He walked back in haste and headed to his healing chamber. The guard got startled from the sudden rush and followed in haste too. (..….could it possibly? His highness is….).
Sif, who had just stopped training, noticed a shadow from a distance.
"Tired already sif" Fandral asked.
"Did you notice a person there now?" she pointed at the tree.
"no, I saw nothing. Why?".
"I think I saw Loki".
"why would he be here". He giggled. "He hasn't recovered yet, and I believe this is the last place he will visit. He hates training".
"hmm you're right, maybe it was my imagination".
Loki sat down on the edge of the bed, closing his eyes and breathing rapidly. (great. Now you are trying to make me look mentally ill . Isn't it enough that you are hunting my dreams and our parents' faces? Must you put me through humiliation even when you are gone?...for God's sake you don't have to remind me!. I know my sin…..i should have never let you…..).
"your highness". Loki opened his eyes as his thoughts got cut off and saw a goblet of water served to him. "I thought you might need it". Loki stared at the guard thinking, honestly, what is wrong with this guy. "thank you". He took the goblet and drank it and calmed down. The guard……the guard! He must have seen his strange behavior before!. "you!". He said firmly in a strong voice and stood up approaching him.
"yes sir". The guard stood straight.
"what you saw earlier…...!". Loki got cutted mid sentence.
"I won't tell anyone your highness". Loki stared at him fiercely. "I swear secrecy".
"what?". He said annoyed.
"I swear secrecy".
"Why?". He growled the word. Frustrated.
The young guard felt terrified for various reasons. First, it was because of the tall difference. Second, Loki looked deranged that it sent a shiver through his body.
The guard gulped. "because I experienced what you are in now". Loki knitted his eyebrows. "I used to see someone who did not exist before".
Loki's eyes widened. "how did you…".
"same behavior, same shock. I used to act the same…...I got treated as a lunatic… So...i don't think you should go to the same treatment…..especially with your current state". The silence roamed for a second. The guard was nervous and didn't know what else to say until he heard a snicker. Then the snicker was followed by a laugh.
"hahahah! Hahaha!". Loki started laughing loudly. Then his eyes teared from it. Loki wiped the tears by the tip of his finger. His laughter turned to giggle till he stopped. "Are you doing this out of sympathy? Out of pity?".
"no! I don't! I didn't mean to give that kind of impression! I apologize if I disrespect you by any means!". The guard panicked from the potential misunderstanding.
Loki stared into his eyes and couldn't find it. Couldn't find the lies that are always hidden behind the guards who used to treat him lowly. "you are an odd one". He let a small smirk draw on his lips and turned around to his bed. The guard was left confused as to if he was forgiven or not. He couldn't understand what he meant by odd and left wondering and analyzing the meaning behind what happened just now. Then his focus on trying to discover what happened got interrupted by a sound of a thud. He looked in the direction and saw Loki throwing the pillow on the ground and laying on it. "my prince! What are you doing! This is unsuitable for you".
"I thought I told you to remain silent".
"but!".
"shhh, I'm trying to sleep". The guard got left more confused and nervous took all over him to see the prince sleeping on the ground. What should he do? For now he figured he can not let anyone inside and see their prince like that. He gulped and kept his eyes and ears wide open to anyone who might come.
On the other hand, Loki slept on the floor for two reasons. One of them was because he hopped that by doing this he could share the suffering as Thor. Second, the bed was uncomfortable for him. Sleeping on the ground for six months or maybe more made him get used to the hard ground. Then he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.
He had a dreamless sleep. Quiet odd for having one. And so, he woke up in the middle of the night feeling thirsty. The moment he opened his eyes he saw a blond haired figure laying beside him staring at him emotionless. "Are you well brother?". Thor asked. Loki just stared in horror at Thor who was bleeding from his head while his hair was covering his right eye. "If you are, then that's good. Because they were trying to get you tortured again. I've managed to convince them to take me, but I no longer think I can after you woke up…..…..oh….". Thor got quite a bit. thinking. "silly me. You are not here…….i guess it's my turn again then……...I'm so tired brother…….so tired…..". More blood started to stream from his head then his mouth and hands. And before he could realize, Loki was surrounded by a pool of blood and Thor's body sank in it. He stood up in haste frightened and hit the bed and fell on the ground. He supported himself to stand and his hand was in a warm liquid. Getting his hands off quickly he looked at them and saw it full in blood. Then he heard the same screams he heard before. Looking in front of him, the place changed to the hall of the dungeon. The path that leads the dark prison, the screams came from it.
The same thing happened again, he ran toward the dark room and tried to open it. After a couple of times from jamming it, the door opened and Loki fell on the ground, only this time, fell beside a blue eyeball that was staring at him. Loki felt sick and the next thing he knew he woke up in a rush in a setting position again in the healing chamber. He was sweating and heaving hardly with wide eyes. The sickened feeling increased and he covered his mouth. He rushed up to the bathroom and emptied everything. not that much came out from the lack of food. He cleaned his mouth with the water and then rested his hands on the sides of the sink. He closed his eyes trying to maintain his breath as his body was trembling with fear. He opened his eyes and got met with the mirror that reflected Thor crucified on the wall. He turned fast terrified to see nothing was on the wall. He looked around him and nothing was there. His body couldn't support himself anymore and he sat down on the floor. He covered his face with his hands and rested his head on his knees, body still shivering.
Suddenly he heard footsteps walking then stopped. "so, you finally have everything you wished for……..Empty throne…..caring parents…….. No one to match you". Loki's eyes widened recognizing the voice. He raised his head and found himself before the fall sitting on the edge of the tub. "you succeeded. Satisfied?". He had a wide sickening smile on his face, and felt like it was mocking him. Loki clenched his fists tightly and rage took over him from seeing himself. "was it worth it?".
"You shouldn't be the one asking! It is your fault! It's all your fault!".
"my fault?".
"if you never activated the biofrost none of this would have happened!".
"I'm clearly sure that is not the reason". He giggled. "I wouldn't have activated it if it weren't for this". He pointed his right hand index finger to his heart . "Did you forget? Your jealousy drove me to do it. So who is at real fault exactly?". Loki didn't reply back. What could he say while his former self said the truth? "no comment?". His former self said. "Did your silvertongue fail you?...oh well……. Say, doesn't it bother you to wonder what would have happened if you talked about this rather than taking this route? But I guess as he said". His former self scoped his hand in the bath and brought up Thor's head. He looked at it in an inspection way. "you are incapable of sincerity…...poor thing, had to suffer a cruel fate while his future was supposed to be flourished". He caressed Thor's face and moved his hair away from his face.
Loki felt sick of the picture. "He is not dead!".
"really?". He put the head on his lab and rested his elbows on it. "what of the visions you're having?". The realization hit hard on Loki. He thought they were only nightmares. He now remembered, moments ago, Thor said he was tired and disappeared into a pool of blood. Loki's previous self smiled widely and said. "There is really nothing for us left to do. So how about you end this nightmare? We already had enough. It would be a perfect ending, don't you think?".
The figure disappeared leaving Loki with unhealthy thoughts. (you are not loved, you are much more hated than before. No one appreciates you, no one….no one does want your existing………what are you struggling for? Why the suffering?...one clean cut could free you from all of this…… just one). Loki's couldn't take it anymore. The pain was tightening on his chest and he didn't feel himself able to breathe from it. It kept adding weight by each minute pass until he couldn't take it anymore. He stood up from his place and searched his surroundings. He found scissors in the nearest box of medical kit. He grabbed it and aimed it at his wrist. Deep inside he knew this wouldn't be enough to kill him. Such a trivial thing wouldn't kill a half immortal being. But he couldn't care less by this point. He would cut himself as much as he can until the last drop of blood would shed from him, and that's what he started doing. He stabbed his wrist. it hurted badly and the blood started streaming. The wound closed slowly and he stabbed himself again. The pain that struck him immensely made him recalling the feeling of that damn torture and it gave him shivers. He raised his hand aiming for a third stab but the memories of the sanctuary returned bringing back phantom pain through his body. He retreated in horror not completing his objective. He couldn't endure it. His body was pulsing with fake pains through his injuris, and that left him patching up his wrist wound to relieve himself from the pain. (I can not even kill my self……how worthless…..can't do anything right). That's were his last thoughts through that sleepless night until the morning came.
TBC*