Hey there my dear readers! As promised this chapter is here sooner than expected and is fully about Octavia. Besides my dearest Clexa pairing Octavia is one of my favorite characters on the show. Without even noticing she became a big part of my fic (talk about characters overpowering a story) and it was only fair that I create an entire chapter for her, giving closure to her plot. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope with all my heart you do too. And well the next chapter will bring this fic to an end. I don't know exactly when it will be posted (and honestly I kinda dread doing it) but I will be working on it that's for sure. Please don't forget to let me know what you think. ENJOY!
Forever thanking my friend and beta Roxxy for being there even when I act like an annoying fic writer lol. You're a saint!
Octavia carefully places over her night stand the jar that contains the tea she prepared earlier that day in the privacy of the forest. Tea made of the cactus Echinopsis pachanoi, the one she read about some time ago on Raven's plants and flowers database.
After making sure Esiry was doing OK, Octavia went back to Lexa's room to clarify some details regarding the meeting. Just as she approached the door, she noticed one of Clarke's commander badges on the floor so she crouched to pick it up. At that very moment, she overheard Lexa's faint voice.
"I saw Costia".
'Huh?' Octavia wasn't sure she heard correctly, so she pressed her ear to the door.
"At the spirit world. I was there for a few minutes when I passed out during…"
Octavia's heart begun pounding in her chest. She remained quiet, immobile trying to catch as much of the conversation as she could through the door.
"Some of my loved ones are here, accompanying me in spirit. Like herself, Anya, Gustus... and ..."
The words she just heard were simply unbelievable, Octavia wanted to know more, but the sound of footsteps in the distance caught her attention. She looked to the side and noticed Raven making her way towards her. She quickly went to meet her before she could get any closer to the door. "Hey Ray", Octavia let out trying to sound casual.
"Um, what were you doing there?" Raven questioned her friend, finding it odd that Octavia was basically kneeling on the floor.
"Uh, I was picking up this". Octavia showed Raven Clarke's badge.
"Oh", seemingly satisfied with the answer Raven changed the subject. "Is Clarke available?"
"Yeah, yeah she's just chilling with Lexa, you can go in". Octavia calmly informed. But before her friend could walk away, she asked. "Ray um, I would like to instruct my youngsters on those Mystical plants our ancestors used in the past", she explained trying to keep her cool. "Cause you know, I think it's important for them to have that kind of knowledge and stuff."
"Right, yeah!" Raven seemed to find sense in it.
"So uh, do you think I could get a hold of some of the plants to show them?" Octavia requested, tentatively.
But Raven has no problem with it, whatsoever. "Of course! Here," she handed Octavia a card. "This gives you access to the Greenhouse, take what you need." She let out casually.
Octavia carefully put the card in her front pocket, hiding her excitement when Raven spoke again.
"But don't forget to be very careful with the plants and return them as soon as you're done." She warned in all seriousness.
"Don't worry about that, I'm gonna be extremely careful. I promise."
Luckily, the greenhouse was equipped with its own database so Octavia learned how to prepare the cactus. Truth to be told, the idea of trying it had been roaming around in her head since she learned of its use, but it wasn't until she heard Lexa talking about her out-of-this-world experience that she finally took the step and made the tea.
Octavia paces around her room, it's late and everyone is tired after the Ascension ceremony so indeed if she were to try something nobody would be bothering her. 'Is it even gonna work?' Octavia questions in silence. She's full of doubts and hesitations. 'But what Lexa said sounded so wonderful… so real.' The prospect of seeing the love of her life, talk to him at least for a few minutes, is enough to make her decide. "Fuck it!" Octavia takes the jar, opens it and quickly swallows most of the contents in one go. She puts it back in its place and sits on her bed, waiting.
Eventually, Octavia finds herself laying down when the tea starts taking effect. At first it is just sensations and a weird heaviness in her stomach. When it all becomes too much, she closes her eyes and that's when things get interesting.
A million images cross Octavia's mind expeditiously, filled with memories, spiritual symbols, voices that she recognizes, and others not so much. It's overwhelming, she can't take it anymore. She opens her eyes and notices she's not in her room anymore, she's in a forest, the glowing forest.
"Wow," Octavia walks slowly along as she begins to realize where she is now. "It worked." She lets out softly, scared that if she makes the wrong move everything will vanish. After a moment she runs a short distance, seeing that the forest is still there; vast and even prettier than the real one. "IT WORKED!" Octavia exclaims excitedly with arms flailing in the air. But the celebratory atmosphere doesn't last, she immediately begins looking around for someone. She walks here and there, scanning every corner with only one person in mind. "Fuck." Octavia stops after a while to catch her breath.
"Of course you would force your way into the spirit world."
A familiar voice behind her sends shivers down Octavia's spine. Even though this is what she was looking for it still manages to shake her to her very core. She's a bit scared to turn around but anticipation and longing wins over. Octavia barely spares a second to appreciate the figure of the man she loves, before throwing herself into his arms.
Lincoln envelopes Octavia in a tight hug allowing her to relish the moment.
Octavia finally looks up to stare at the man's face in wonderment. "Is it really you?"
Lincoln pretends to consider the question before replying. "Well, technically it's just my spirit but yes, in essence, it's really me", he flashes a cheeky smile.
"Smartass!" Octavia laughs loudly, while smacking Lincoln's arm playfully.
After a few seconds of continuous silence Octavia can't help voicing. "Gosh, I missed you."
At this, Lincoln offers a sympathetic smile. "Didn't I tell you we would meet again?" He replies, tucking a lock of Octavia's hair behind her ear. But just as emotional as the moment is, he has to point out. "You shouldn't be here."
"Ugh!" Octavia frowns but continues. "I needed to see you."
"Octavia…" Lincoln warns "…this is not a game; you were not invited here. What you did is not only reckless but also dangerous, it could affect you physically." When Octavia only rolls her eyes, he states, "you're lucky the spirits allowed me to come and receive you, they are not normally that permissive but they were very impressed by your faith and audacity."
"Not permissive?" Octavia scoffs letting go of the man, "What about Lexa? She seems to have a fucking key to the spirit world or something."
The statement causes Lincoln to throw back his head, letting out a loud laugh.
Octavia's rebuttal gets stuck in her throat at the man's reaction. She had never heard Lincoln laugh like this before and the realization is bittersweet.
Understanding Octavia's train of thought, Lincoln sobers up and voices, "I'm sorry you never got to see this side of me." He stretches out his hand, caressing Octavia's cheek. "Times weren't the most suitable for that I guess."
"Yeah…" Octavia nods absentmindedly, enjoying her love's caresses.
After a brief while, Lincoln continues with the topic left out. "Lexa doesn't have a key to the spirit world. She was simply a great person in the eyes of the spirits; an outstanding leader at a very young age, devoted to her duty and willing to die for her people. This has granted her certain privileges."
"There are many great people around!" Octavia remarks with a hint of bitterness.
"Yeah, but not at that level, not with that… fealty." Lincoln supplies, "close enough is Clarke, that's why they allowed Lexa to come back to her. Their love is special."
"And wasn't ours?" Octavia complains, in a demanding tone.
Lincoln softens at the words. He takes Octavia's hands in his. "Of course it was." He reassures.
"Apparently not enough," Octavia grumbles through greeted teeth.
Unable to watch her so downhearted Lincoln elaborates. "The spirits had other plans for them. The nature of their love was a different kind, it was meant to cement a union that would bring peace to the world." He then takes Octavia's face into his hands and says, "they also had plans for you. Clarke needed help, and they saw in you the perfect ally to save the world. Octavia, you wouldn't be the remarkable general you are if I was still there. It was necessary for me to go for you to unleash the tenacious warrior within you."
Octavia lets go of Lincoln abruptly. "Well that's fucking unfair!" She exclaims, "so they took you away from me to be their hero, and then what? That's how they repay me? Throwing in my face how Clarke got Lexa back while I have nothing?!" She chuckles angrily as she paces, "they didn't even give me a consolation prize like meeting you in the spirit form as a guide or something for Christ sake!" Octavia is full-on yelling now. "I'm also willing to sacrifice a lot for my people, to die for them! How couldn't they see fit to give me at least that… just… that." She finishes on the verge of tears.
Lincoln sighs, sending a loving gaze to Octavia before informing softly, "because you are not ready."
Octavia's head snaps in his direction, her eyes popping. "I'm not ready? What do you mean I'm not ready!" Octavia surges forward until she's in his personal space and continues vociferating. "It's been almost seventeen years Lincoln, how dare they believe I'm not ready!" She demands indignantly.
At that, Lincoln once again reaches for her face and patiently explains. "The fact you are here, in the spirit world talking with me is proof enough you're not ready."
The words are like a blow to Octavia's heart. Her lips part but nothing comes out, instead, she looks down and swallows heavily.
The quietness that envelopes them is broken by Octavia's sudden sobs.
"Come here." Lincoln pulls Octavia onto his body.
Octavia wraps her arms around Lincoln and lets go of all the sadness and frustration that has accompanied her for far too long.
When her cries subside Lincoln makes an invitation, "c'mon, let's take a walk." He puts his arm around Octavia's shoulder and together they go farther into the glowing forest.
….
Lincoln and Octavia talk for a good while enjoying each other's company. Lincoln showing her the most beautiful areas and Octavia telling him everything she has endured.
"Remember when you used to believe we were a bunch of wild savages?" Lincoln recalls, his lips quirking upwards.
Octavia feeling embarrassed, simply chuckles a bit.
"But then you went and became the first one to embrace the grounder culture."
At this Octavia smiles shyly.
"That shows people can change." Lincoln offers as a final point.
"I guess so." Octavia voices, not very convinced.
Lincoln shakes his head and then lifts Octavia's chin with his finger, staring into her eyes deeply. "You're so beautiful Octavia." He slowly leans in capturing her lips in his.
It's unlike any other kiss Octavia had shared with Lincoln before, it's a whole new sensation that washes over her body and fills her soul. It is a mystical connection that without a doubt will be engraved in Octavia's heart forever.
They part softly leaning their foreheads together, basking in their union.
Eventually and conflicted inside, Lincoln whispers. "It's time."
"No!" Octavia holds onto him for dear life, "I don't wanna leave Lincoln, please!"
The man sighs regretfully but he firmly insists. "You don't belong here Octavia, your fight is not over yet."
"I don't care! Tell the spirits I'm staying, I wanna be here with you!"
Lincoln takes Octavia's face with both his hands to make her look up "I love you."
Octavia feels her whole body starting to burn from those sweet words. "I love you." The reply escapes her lips like a prayer. She's now the one who joins their lips in another kiss. When she opens her eyes again though, a strong light is enveloping her.
"May we meet again," Lincoln states with a sad smile as he lets go of her face and takes hold of her hands instead.
"No!" Octavia grips his hands tightly, feeling how her body is being dragged away. Desperation overtakes her when the hands holding her become one. "Please no, no…"
"Heal that heart of yours, General." These are Lincoln's last words before completely letting go of Octavia's hand.
Octavia panics, she can't deal with the loss of contact. "No!" She makes an inhumane effort to fight against the force that is pulling her back. "Aaaargggh!" With that war scream she detaches from the invisible grip and reaches out for Lincoln's hand.
"OCTAVIA, NO!"
But the moment she makes contact with him the light becomes extremely bright and causes Octavia to be unable to see anything.
…
"OCTAVIA! WHAT'S GOING ON, OPEN THE DOOR!" Indra bangs on the door to Octavia's room.
Octavia opens her eyes and realizes she's now back in her room, but doesn't have time to react. Her eyes suddenly roll back and her body starts shaking violently.
The last thing she hears is the door being broken down.
…
When Octavia recovers consciousness, she's in bed at the clinic. She sits up and looks around; everything that happened earlier is coming back to her. "Lincoln…" She whispers. Octavia brings her legs up to her chest, enveloping them in her arms. She rocks a few seconds, shaking her head in an attempt to contain the tears that are hastily threatening to fall. "No, I can't…I can't…" She lets her forehead fall onto her knees and even though she tries to contain them, her sobs begin to escape from her mouth, loudly.
A young female healer unexpectedly enters the room to check on the patient but freezes on the spot at the scene before her.
Normally if someone were to see Octavia in this position, she would compose herself immediately or kick the person out. But right now she doesn't seem to care about anything but the pain she is experiencing in her heart.
The girl considers leaving, sure that Octavia will begin yelling at her at any moment but when that doesn't happen, she debates for a second and then steps inside. She takes a chair, sits next to Octavia, and puts a hand on her shoulder.
At first Octavia tenses at the contact, but the person never speaks, it's just… there. Soon she realizes she truly needs this intimate interaction so she simply lets it happen and continues crying this time in quiet company.
When her sobs have subsided Octavia lifts her head, removes the remaining tears from her eyes, and clears her throat.
The healer takes her hand away from Octavia's shoulder to give her some space.
Octavia throws a quick glance at the girl before speaking, "Uh, um…I'm sorry you had to witness this. Not a nice thing to see the General messed up, huh?" She attempts to lighten the mood.
The girl opens her mouth and closes it, hesitating; but ultimately decides to just say what's on her mind. "Actually, this is not the first time, General."
Octavia jerks her head in the healer's direction. "What?" She questions alarmingly.
"Well," the girl squirms in her seat, intimidated by Octavia's rigid gaze but she willingly elaborates. "You saved my village during the first rebellion."
The general doesn't interrupt needing to hear more.
Seeing it as a go-ahead the girl continues, "After the confrontation, you and your warriors hang around the bonfire to eat and rest. It was getting late and one by one the warriors started retreating to their tents but you stayed and continued drinking." She chuckles at the recollection, "you may have drunk too much. You started talking about your life in the sky under the floor of the ship…and also about Lincoln."
At that Octavia can't help but to feel embarrassed. She crosses her arms defensively but doesn't say anything, already too curious.
"You went on about how he was a healer, a great human. In the end, I was the only one there, listening. I think people didn't find it very interesting or maybe they were tired." She shrugs. "But not me, I was fascinated about all you were saying. I thought you were very interesting, brave… and sad." The girl carries on with a glint in her eyes. "That day was when I decided to become a healer myself. I wanted to help people, be at least half as good a person as you said he was. I wanted someone to speak about me the way you spoke about him."
Octavia's breath gets stuck in her lungs; she starts feeling a calming warmth inside of herself. She doesn't know what it is, and she doesn't want to question it, at least not now. She nods numbly, not daring to say a word just yet.
The girl is too engrossed in her memories that she doesn't notice the effect her story is having on Octavia and she simply continues on. "At some point, you were barely able to sit up, so I helped you to your tent, and there …you started crying."
"Oh." Octavia finally lets out, swallowing the emotions in her throat.
"But don't worry, I've never told anyone," The healer hurries to reassure her. "It was an honor to be there with you at that moment, and still is."
It doesn't occur to Octavia to say anything other than the obvious, "thank you."
"You're very welcome". More at ease, the girl grins. Then realizing her job is done and wanting to give Octavia some privacy she excuses herself. "OK, I'm gonna leave you to it General, your family is outside and they are anxious to see you." She stands up. "Call me if you need anything."
"OK, uh, hey um…" Octavia starts, "what's your name?"
The girl faces Octavia and with a softhearted smile she replies, "Anna."
'Anna', the name echoes inside Octavia's head as she extends her arm. "It's nice to meet you, Anna. And you can call me Octavia."
Anna blushes, suddenly becoming nervous as she realizes she has an opportunity of getting to know Octavia on such a personal level. Something she has dreamed of since she was a kid that day in her village almost fifteen years ago. "It's nice to officially meet you too, Octavia." Anna manages to hold the arm offered through her shyness, hoping Octavia doesn't notice how flustered she has become.
If she does, she doesn't show it, Octavia exhibits a kind smile and simply holds the arm firmly.
There's a moment between them, when they feel comfortable and vibrant with each other. Their joined arms create a certain energy that starts pulsating throughout their bodies. A bright promising inner light neither of them are able to register just yet as its being sowed into their hearts.
After letting go, Anna still has a big grin on her face, "I'll see you later."
Octavia nods, the corners of her mouth going up involuntarily in response. She attentively watches Anna's retreating figure when something comes to mind. "Oh, Anna!"
"Yes?" The girl turns around, just before she crosses the threshold.
"Can you uh… help me with some information?"
…
Several days later, Octavia is standing nervously in front of an office door at the Clinic. She debates internally whether to go in or not, remembering all that she went through in the past week.
She had time to reflect on her life, how she was kept a secret under the floor of the ship until she was a teen, how they made it to earth… Lincoln. It was the most beautiful and horrible thing to happen to her, falling in love with him and then to lose him, in a short period of time. Then being thrown into one war after another, already transformed into a fearless warrior to later becoming the General. All that topped with seeing Lincoln in the spirit world more than a decade later. It was crazy and surreal. Why everything about him has to be so bittersweet? She was extremely happy to have seen him but also sad, knowing it was the last time and for good.
After all the tears she shed the subsequent days, Octavia came to the conclusion it was time to finally move on … and let him go. But gosh it was so hard! There was a big part of her that still wanted to hold on to the past but also, those moments seeing him were like a blessing in her soul. Like something inside of her finally was healed but not completely though because the rest of the healing has to be done by herself.
"Heal that heart of yours, General." Lincoln's words echo in Octavia's subconscious and it serves as a final encouragement to take the final step: in order to heal her heart, she must first heal her mind.
Octavia takes in a long sigh of self-courage and with that, she finally knocks on the door of Dr. Jaxanha the first Psychologist in Polis.