Chapter I – It could have been a beautiful start
He felt exhausted, as if suddenly the weight of the world was over his shoulders. The tension of those last days finally showed its claws, falling ruthless over him. He looked around, all the familiar faces, all people's voices, all the laughter, even the sounds of the orchestra around him, everything seemed fuzzy and distant, and all he wanted was to get out of there. Something impossible at that time.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to ease the pressure in his chest. Life came to demand from him, much sooner than he had always believed, that he took over his responsibilities with the state as the heir and future Earl of Grantham. "Well, not exactly in the way I imagined it would be", he thought as he moved slowly among the guests who were talking excitedly, his eyes searching amongst so many faces the only one who might bring him some comfort.
Since his father had told him about their financial situation he knew that it was his responsibility to save Downton. More than that, lives and fates of many people were on his hands. His family, their servants, the villagers, the tenants, they all depended on the decisions he would take. He had a duty to fulfill, and he knew he might not fail them. And despite having always been aware that it was his destiny, he wasn't prepared for the way things had happened.
Someone tapped him friendly on the shoulder to say something, but he was so absorbed in his thoughts that he couldn't hear it, so he simply nodded and smiled, trying to appear more at ease than he really was.
Then, he finally saw her. But even the lovely and warm smile she gave him when their eyes met wasn't enough to pacify his tormented heart. The sight of this beautiful and delicate young woman, who had so bravely dropped everything and everyone she knew to gather her destiny to his, only made his stomach churn, and he forced a grin to disguise his tense jaw.
As much he was used with the sense of duty and responsibility that a man of his position had, the thought of being the solely responsible for the happiness of somebody else suddenly seemed too overwhelming. Besides that, there was the guilt, a constant reminder of the nothing noble motives which led him to marry her, and which relentlessly, wouldn't allow him to enjoy such an important day of his life.
He felt her gaze upon him, burning his skin, making him feel that already almost familiar heat rising from his collar shirt. And when he looked up at her, he tried very hard to show her his best smile, as he struggled to forget, at least for a moment, all his fears and insecurities and just get lost in the beauty of that blue eyes that looked at him so intensely. He owed her this, he thought, remembering the silent promise he had done a few hours ago, when still on the altar, he had promised to give his best to make her happy.
She lowered her lashes and blushed slightly, but her lips remained curled into that lovely smile, which seemed to play on her rosy lips. That almost irresistible smile, which he began to think that existed only for him. He suppressed a sigh, and wondered again how he could fear the future knowing that she would be at his side. He closed his eyes for a moment to put himself together. And then, adjusting his coat's sleeves, he walked toward her slowly, his eyes locked on hers, trying to rediscover his self-confidence in the glow of her eyes, a he watched her face light up with every step he took.
"Lady Downton?" He bowed slightly, his eyes never leaving hers, completely ignoring the people who were talking to her. He could have sworn she had held her breath before gifting him again with that magnificent smile, enough to make his heart almost skip a beat. He gently offered her a hand, "May I have the honor of this dance?"
"I would be delighted", she placed her hand in his softly before adding, "Lord..." And then she tilted her head slightly, a mischievous glint crossing her eyes when she corrected herself in a soft voice, "... Robert."
He couldn't help but smile. A genuine smile this time, when heard his name on her lips, with her adorable accent causing him to struggle with the urge to ask her to repeat it once more. And it was still smiling with pride that he guided her to the middle of the room, while countless pairs of eyes watched them intently. All his confused thoughts were momentarily forgotten by the proximity of her body, the warmth of her hand in his, which even under her gloves could make his skin tingle. As he led her elegantly around the ballroom to the sound of a waltz, the sound of his name on her lips still echoed in his ears like a sweet song.
He glanced at her only to see the look of unveiling worship in her eyes, and he grinned at her. He couldn't allow that any of his inner fears and doubts interfered in this surely a very special day for her. Though it hadn't the same meaning for him, he was fully aware that this was the first day of the rest of their lives, the very first day of this new life he must share with her.
And when she smiled at him again, for one moment, he knew that all he wanted was to be at her side.
She was nervous. Complete and ridiculously nervous. And even being told that it was normal to be like that on the day of her marriage, she wanted to be able to control herself better and at least be able to enjoy the beautiful reception that her in-laws had prepared for them. Her new family, she thought, casting a wistful glance at her parents who talked quietly near there. Her eyes then looked for him, her husband, the single thought of him able to make her shiver slightly.
She couldn't find him anywhere, which only helped to increase her nervousness. His gaze, his smile was all she needed right now, to reassure her that she had made the right decision. But his smiles had become so rare lately, she thought sadly, her eyes staring at the tips of her shoes on the carpet. Pre-wedding jitters, her mother had told her. But she felt in her heart that there was something more, something terribly wrong.
She could barely recognize in the distant and silent man of the recent days the same charming young man for whom she had fallen in love practically at the very first look. She searched his face in vain for the same warm smile that made her knees weak, for the same bright blue eyes which always stared at her intensely. She had looked forward for any opportunity to be with him, near him, for the gentle touch of his hand on hers, but all of that seemed to have vanished under a thick layer of silence and coldness. And then, just a few days before, she noticed it for the first time, something that wasn't there before, a shadow on his eyes.
Since they first met, she got the habit of observing him, even knowing how inappropriate it may be for a young lady. Still, it was something she just couldn't avoid. Her eyes were constantly drawn to him, even before he expressed his intentions to court her. And it was like that, watching him, that she slowly found out new things about him. The way his brows grew together when he was intensely engaged in a conversation, the small and almost imperceptible smile that curled the corners of his lips when he was teasing someone, and especially, the way his eyes sparkled every time she smiled at him. Until she saw it, that ugly and unexpected shadow in his eyes, darkening, grieving that blue orbs she she had learned to love so quickly.
She didn't know the exact motive. She didn't know him enough to be able to read in his soul what was affecting him this much. But the fear in her heart told her that it had something to do with her and their marriage.
Then she saw him walking slowly among their guests, seeming so lost that she wished she could run toward him to hug him. She smiled at him, her best smile, hoping to see again that sparkle in his eyes. But contrary to what she expected, he seemed distressed, and even the smile he struggled to show her, wasn't enough to disguise the tension in his face.
And it was with fear that she saw when he lowered his eyes, causing her to bite her lower lip in frustration. But she didn't look away from him, her eyes lovingly peering his face for any sign that could make her understand what was going on inside him.
When he finally looked at her, she endeavored to smile at him again, attempting to hide from him all her fears and worries. She needed to be strong for him, to be with him and help him overcome whatever was troubling him. She felt her heart stir inside her chest when he grinned at her, seeming a little more at ease, and held her gaze with such intensity that she felt a heat rising in her cheeks, causing her to look away for a moment to collect herself.
As she lifted her eyes again, she could see him walking toward her, the soft gleam of his eyes and the warm grin on his lips making her heart beat faster as her smile widened with every step he took.
"Lady Downton?", she held her breath when he made a slight bow, his eyes fixed on hers, both completely ignoring the people around them as all the proper conventions didn't make any sense at that moment. She smiled even wider, the sound of her new name yet so alien to her, but sounding more like a sweet song coming from his lips, making her feel within a dream.
Then he reached for her and added, "May I have the honor of this dance?"
"I would be delighted", she held his hand, the warmth of his touch making her shiver. "Lord…", she began to say, but stopped, tilting her head slightly to look into his eyes before corrected herself in a soft voice, "Robert."
And then he finally gave her a smile, the one that always made her heart beat faster. She watched from the corner of her eyes that smile playing on his lips as he led her to the center of the room, fully aware that the eyes of everyone were upon them. But she didn't care or was intimidated by it, her eyes searching for his eagerly as they danced. She felt the warmth of his hand in hers, the skin on her back tingling in the place his palm touched her, as he made them spin elegantly to the sound of a waltz.
He smiled at her once more and she felt she could endure anything to be at his side. She knew that unlike her, he hadn't married her for love, but because of her money. Surprisingly, that didn't hurt her, not only because he had always been so honest with her, but mainly, because she knew he liked her. She could feel it in him, in his soft touch, in his eyes, in his smiles. She felt it right now, in that smile. So, deep in her young and romantic heart, she could only hope that someday, whatever he felt for her now, could become the same love she felt for him.