Chapter 4

"What a disgusting, dirty river."

The sound snapped George out of his trance and he walked over to the chocolate river. "Industrial waste, that." Said Mr Salt. "You've ruined your watershed, Wonka. It's polluted."

"it's chocolate." Corrected George. "That's chocolate?" exclaimed Veruca. "That's chocolate." Marveled Charlie. "A chocolate river!" said Violet.

"It's the most fantastic thing I've ever seen." Said Charlie's Grandpa Joe. George had almost completely forgotten he was there. "Ten thousand gallons an hour." Said George. "And look at my waterfall. That's the most important thing. It's mixing my chocolate. It's actually churning my chocolate. You know, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall." He leaned in close to Mr Salt. "But it's the only way if you want it just right."

Suddenly Charlie exclaimed, "Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men!" he said, pointing to some Oompa-Loompas. "Jumping crocodiles, Charlie!" exclaimed Joe, before everyone started to clamor and talk. "Now we know who makes the chocolates." Said Joe. "I never saw anybody with an orange face before." Said Mr Salt. "What are they doing there?" said someone. "It must be creaming and sugaring time." Replied George.

"Well, they can't be real people." Said Mike. "Well, of course they're real people." Said George. "Stuff and nonsense!" said Mr Salt. "No, Oompa-Loompas." Said George before internally kicking himself. Oompa-Loompas were a magical creature and he shouldn't be telling Muggles about them!

"Oompa-Loompas!" exclaimed everybody. George saw an opportunity to fabricate a cover story. He couldn't have the Muggles finding out they were really a different species of house-elf. "From Loompaland." Said George on the spot. before cursing himself for his lack of creativity, name-wise. Loompaland? Really?

"Loompaland? There's no such place." Said Mrs Teavee. George started getting worried. "Excuse me, dear lady-" "Mr Wonka, I am a teacher of geography-" began Mrs Teavee. George grew even more panicked and began improvising again. "Oh, well, then you know all about it. And what a terrible country it is! Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts! And the poor little Oompa-Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A wangdoodle would eat 10 of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. So I said, 'Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the wangdoodles and hornswogglers and snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids.'" He hated himself for saying all this. If he had been listening to it, he wouldn't have believed it himself. And all of those made-up animal names sounded like innuendos.

"Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?" said Mr Salt. Feeling this was as good a time as ever to throw in a quip, George said, "I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing." And then he continued improvising his horrible story.

"And so, in the greatest of secrecy I transported the entire population of Oompa-Loompas to my factory here." Illegal smuggling? Really? This was going to get him in worse legal trouble than if he admitted they were house-elves and stopped with his stupid story!

Luckily, for some reason no one seemed to care. Especially as the wart stared whining again. "Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa-Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa-Loompa right away!" "All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out." Said the father. "I want an Oompa-Loompa NOW!" she whinged. Suddenly violet turned around and exclaimed, "CAN IT, YOU NIT!" It was the only time that George actually agreed with her. Suddenly, they heard noises coming from the chocolate river. "Mmm. This stuff is terrific!" Somehow, while everyone was talking, Augustus had snuck over to the chocolate river and was now lapping up the chocolate like a dog.

"Grandpa, look at Augustus!" exclaimed Charlie. To which Joe replied, "Don't worry, he can't drink it all." Meanwhile, Augustus's mother headed over to her fat son and exclaimed, "Augustus, sweetheart, save some room for later. George was a little pissed at her. Her son was contaminating his river and her only concern was 'Save some room for later'?

"Augustus, please, don't do that, my chocolate must never be touched by human hands." And yet the fat boy kept drinking. "Please, don't do that! Don't do that, you're contaminating my entire river!" Please I beg you, Augustus-" But the fat kid didn't listen, and he fell in. "Man overboard!" exclaimed Mike Teavee. "Help, help!" yelled Augustus, while George fretted over the chocolate. "Don't just stand there! Do something!" exclaimed Mrs Gloop. "Help. Police. Murder." Said George calmly.

"Quick, Charlie, here!" said Joe, handing a giant lollipop to Charlie. "Quick, Augustus, grab this!" said Charlie, holding the lollipop over the chocolate river. He was the only one who actually tried to help, George noted.

Augustus attempted to grab, it, but then he went under and didn't come back up. "what's happening to him?" said Mrs Teavee. "It looks like he's drowning." Said Mr Salt. "Dive in! Save him!" yelled Mrs Gloop. "Oh, it's too late." Replied George. "Too late?" shrieked Mrs Gloop in disbelief. "He's had it now. The suction's got him." Said George.

"Augustus, come back!" shrieked Mrs Gloop, as if that would do anything. "Where is he?" "Watch the pipe." Explained George. "how long is he going to stay down, Daddy?" said Veruca. "He can't swim!" said Mrs Gloop. "There's no better time to learn." Said George. Mike noted his coat going up the pipe. "Stuck in the pipe there, isn't he, Wonka? It's his stomach that's done that!" George was about to reply, you're one to talk, when Augustus became visible in the pipe squealing for help.

Everyone waited, but Augustus stayed in the pipe. "He'll never get out." Said Charlie. "yes, he will, Charlie, watch." Said Joe. "Remember you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun?"

Augustus shot up the pipe two seconds later. "He's done! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds!" exclaimed Mrs Gloop. "impossible, my dear lady, that's absurd! Unthinkable!" "Why?" demanded Mrs Gloop. "Because that pipe doesn't go to the Marshmallow Room! It goes to the Fudge Room!" said George. He was really hoping Augustus didn't get made into fudge, the kid may have been pigheaded but he didn't plan on this. "You terrible man." Sneered Mrs Gloop, before George whistled on a pipe for an Oompa-Loompa. One appeared almost immediately. "Take Mrs Gloop straight to the Fudge Room," he said, "but look sharp, or her little boy's bound to get poured into the boiler." "You boiled him up, I know it." Wailed Mrs Gloop as she was led away. "Il desperandum, dear lady. Across the desert lies the Promised Land." Said George. He didn't know why. "Goodbye, Mrs Gloop. Adieu. Auf Weidersehen. Gesundheit. Farewell." Suddenly, the Oompa-Loompas started singing.

"Oompa-loompa-doompa-dee-do,

I've got a perfect puzzle for you,

Oompa-loompa-doompa-dee-dee,

If you are wise you'll listen to me.

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?

Eating as much as an elephant eats?

What are you at, getting terribly fat?

What do you think will come of that?

I don't like the look of it!

Oompa-loompa-doompa-dee-da,

If you're not greedy, you will go far,

You will live in happiness too,

Like the Oompa-loompa-doompa-dee-do!"