In Pursuit of a Single Ideal
Chapter 3: Aimless Souls
When Gray finished speaking, her lungs screaming for reprieve from the volume of information she'd spewed, there was only silence in the small lodging.
Even Add, for all of his insipid chittering, just observed his user with neutral eyes.
Gray stayed stock still as she awaited for a response from the phone line. Outside, the night had continued to crawl away, the full moon beaming down onto the city. It was beautiful, she'd thought, but now she was fully focused on this conversation.
On the other side of the line, her master sighed deeply, as if he was contracting a migraine. Something like a match burned into the receiver, causing the hooded girl to recoil from the sudden static.
Her master took a long, suffering puff of his cigar before speaking at long last.
"So. Someone who wasn't affiliated with the Class Card hunt got involved," he stated, not questioned. "One who was able to, through unknown means, get one of them."
"I wasn't able to tell if he had fought one of the Servants," Gray apologised, bowing her head by reflex in penance. "He was…going to die, anyway."
Her master hummed into the phone, taking another long puff at his lung-killer of choice. Gray found the smell disgusting and irritating, so she was quite glad to be away from it. Though, she suspected, he enjoyed that too – less nagging at the health of his organs and more enjoyment.
A hand tapped in frustration against wood, a long sigh escaping her master, "In this case, the 'whydunit' is impossible to figure out. We know only a little about these Class Cards, and this boy you observed is a mystery also."
"The homunculus who took him, too," Gray reminded, stretching out her legs as they began to cramp, "she…wanted to protect him. I wasn't aware homunculi were in this city."
Her master choked – the kind of choke that would sound if one was reliving a particularly bad memory. Or even if they were shocked beyond all belief.
Gray furrowed her brow in concern and bit her lip as her master continued coughing his lungs out. "Master? Are you alright?"
"I'm fine Gray," he assured her – badly, from the bits of static she picked up as he spoke. "Just considering all the information at our disposal."
The silence, overpowering and suffocating, came into existence again. Gray didn't say or react as she heard her master tap his hand against his desk, only pausing to remove her cloak and set it aside. The weight piled up, and her shoulders popped with satisfaction at the relief of pressure.
"Be exceptionally careful Gray," Lord El-Melloi II warned his student, words like swords into her ears. "Homunculi, no matter what quality they are, are always trouble. Especially in that city, even if that family…"
Her master didn't continue his line of thought, voice tapering away, troubled.
"I understand master," the girl responded at last, when the silence got too much even for her. "I'll keep watching Rin and Luvia."
"Yes, that's important," her master agreed, "because if there's more than one Lancer Class Card…it means the Clock Tower's current theories are completely wrong. And since you have one, things may get more complicated."
Gray's breath halted like that of the deceased. Little tremors rose in her hands, skin paling even more and limbs shaking uncontrollably. The hairs on her neck rose in recognition of the primitive, personal fear of her past that gripped her heart at that moment.
If she possessed a Class Card, her teacher was telling her, she may need to fight them. There wouldn't be any other alternative. If word got out about more Class Cards, more magi would be around to seize them. Who knew what they'd do to get them…or what they'd do to her to get them.
After all, the enemies of El-Melloi II were hers.
But there were the Servants as well. Ghosts that should have stayed dead and passed on peacefully…resurrected for a bloody ritual. Ghosts that seemed content with causing whatever destruction they could in their own mirrored worlds.
Ghosts that would and could kill her.
Through the haze of terror that gripped her being—of long-reviled memories of her childhood bubbling up to the surface—she clung to her master's speech starting up again like the lifeline it was.
"I don't know what to do with the boy." Her teacher clicked his tongue in annoyance. "If he's truly unaffiliated, it would be irresponsible to drag him into this. This has to be completely secret. And there's no telling if he's alive at this point too."
An idea brewed in Gray's head at that point. An idea that, months ago, she wouldn't have even considered – she was 'Watson' after all, and Watson was hapless and often a bit out of his depth in the short stories. But the months amongst the Clock Tower, going on adventures with her teacher and the others…
Perhaps, deep in her heart and past this fear that gripped her, she wanted to be useful beyond just stalking Rin and Luvia. She wanted to show her master that his faith in her wasn't misplaced or wrong.
"I saw him before, master. When I was trying to find Rin and Luvia first," she blurted out, blushing at her imposition. "I can find him again if he's alive and maybe find out about the homunculus."
The whydunit of her own mystery, of that boy who had captivated her even if it was for an effervescent and illuminating moment.
Her teacher said nothing for a long moment, and Gray wanted to disappear into a bottomless pit. Why did she blurt that out? Her master would tell her no, and then she'd feel stupid for trying to be useful, and then Add would make fun of her, and—
"If you're certain about this Gray, then go ahead," her master gave his consent, and all the embarrassment drained away. "But keep what I said in mind. That city is nothing but trouble, always remember that."
"I will master!" Gray nodded fervently, even if he couldn't see her, a subdued energy seizing her.
The call ended at that point. For a few seconds she looked down at the device that was echoing static that seemed to reach into her before placing it back on its stand. Turning away, a shaky breath left her as she peered at the cabinet in the corner.
Protected by a Bounded Field, it was the place where the Class Card she had retrieved was stored. It was meant to be completely unnoticeable, though it wasn't even half as good as her master's; she wasn't even really a magus, so it was quite pathetic.
Gray shivered the longer she looked at it, rubbing at her arms as if an otherworldly chill had seized her.
"Ihihihi! Being interested in a boy, Gray?" Add laughed at her, rattling in his cage as if he was having the time of his life. "You just keep on surprising me! Who knows, maybe you'll be able to stick it to those Class Card Servants without being a wreck!"
The Mystic Code's taunting broke the dam that had kept her upright despite the fear encompassing her chest.
The weight increased ever so much as nightmarish scenes assailed the blacks of her eyes – of shadows piercing her, of weapons cutting her, of dying so very alone.
Shaking as if seized by a fit, Gray wandered in a daze to her bed, not even taking off her clothes. Falling into the bed, her eyes kept staring up at the ceiling, hoping against hope it would give her some answer.
Should she fight to claim the Class Cards? Or continue with her original mission?
Her heart continued to thump away at her ribcage, her veins continued to thrum with tension and apprehension.
The girl did not manage to get much sleep at all that horrifying night, the images of what was to come never letting her go.
The next morning, Shirou was dressed and ready to go to school. His jacket was unbuttoned completely, letting his shirt show from under it. His left arm, though the numbness was gently easing away at last, was confined to a sling to best let it heal.
As he stepped out into the normal street, the boy bit his lip and tried to make his arm do anything. All he was rewarded with were his pale digits twitching uselessly and the barest sensation of the limb itself tensing.
Shirou sighed to himself and let it go. It would heal in time, but it was inconvenient to deal with. It was just like that time in the archery club where he injured his shoulder. But that was for another time.
"Shirou, do you have everything?" Sella called out to him, Illya running up and grabbing his free hand tight. "Food, bag, supplies?"
The amber-eyed boy found one disadvantage of him being injured like this; everyone was walking on eggshells around him and fussing over him like mother hens. He didn't think badly of them or even get frustrated at the attention, it just made him a little exasperated.
However, as Illya's ruby eyes stared up at him in concern at that moment, Shirou found himself discarding those thoughts.
"Uh, yeah Sella," he replied, pointing to each item as best as he could, bag secured around his good shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."
"Please do," the maid responded, her voice heavy as if something incomprehensibly heavy weighed it down. "I'll be waiting for you when you get home. Illya, you'll meet up with your brother and walk home right?"
"Yep!" The small girl nodded, the speed of which made it seem as if there were multiple Illyas nodding. "I'll take care of him!"
With the pleasantries dealt with, the two siblings walked off towards the school. In a fit of curiosity, Shirou turned back to look at his house, guided by an unknown feeling in his stomach.
Sella watched over them like a hawk, and the curtains shifted to reveal Leys' single eye doing so as well. As soon they were in the distance and the house became a speck, Sella withdrew…something from her pocket and held it up to her ear, locking the door behind her.
Shirou raised an eyebrow as he let Illya guide him. What was that about?
He pushed his curiosity out of his mind as they journeyed to the school. As soon as they stepped onto its grounds, like he was some sort of beacon, he watched warily as everyone gave him looks of sympathy or even disguised satisfaction.
Like walking on eggshells.
Shirou gritted his teeth when Illya couldn't see him, the images of the fight flashing through his mind in an instant.
"Huh, what's Rin doing?" his sister wondered as they stopped, ready to separate. "Is that Sakura?"
Shirou blinked and looked at the entrance to the school. Rin was talking to Sakura Matou, one of his juniors in the archery club. He couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but from the way Rin's eyes flitted about to focus on anyone but Sakura, and from how Sakura fiddled with the ribbon in her hair, it was an awkward conversation to say the least.
After a minute or so of watching the unexpected spectacle, the two girls separated and went on their ways. Sakura looked wistfully at Rin's back as the twin tailed girl ventured into the bowels of the school before making her own way to the archery club.
"Wonder what's up…" Shirou murmured to himself and Illya, before freeing his hand from her deceptively powerful grip. "Anyway, I'll see you later Illya. I'll be fine."
His sister tried to grab him back before she bit her lip and let him go on his way. Regret welled up in his chest as they separated. He knew she only wanted to keep him safe, but he needed some time to acclimate to the school, which at this moment felt like a foreign presence.
Issei greeted him at the door to their classroom. His glasses were askew and his normally impeccable hair ruffled. His eyes flitted to him with worry, before a breath of relief escaped him.
"Ah, Emiya. You're alright." He made a small prayer under his breath. "I'm glad you're okay."
"It's really nothing Issei," Shirou responded, trying to cut past the acknowledgements of his wound. "I'll be fine in a day or two from what the doctor said."
"Well, that's a relief," his friend continued, pulling the door open for him. "The teacher said I can take your notes down for you. To make things easier."
Shirou blinked at that in bewilderment.
"Huh, didn't think Kuzuki-sensei was that lenient," he joked, but sat without complaint in his normal chair.
The other students filed in soon after, all them gravitating to look at Shirou who stared out the window as best as he could to ignore the mass of people staring at him. Only when Kuzuki-sensei entered, face blank as it always had been, did they focus on their studies.
Well, everyone but Shirou did. Because, free from taking notes as he was, Shirou could really only do one thing as the lesson occurred: think.
He stared up into the sun, the windows flashing with the light. He blinked—
—BloodspearLancerSaberforginghewasgoingtodiehewasgoingtodiehewas—
—And did his best to stop the sweat from dripping down his forehead.
The memories gripped his chest and refused to leave as he wiped himself clean, staring down into his blank notebook. His hand slipped into his pocket, fingering the now-familiar weight of the Card that had allowed him to survive something he shouldn't have lived through.
Who made those Cards, he wondered? Who created those warriors which came from them? If there were two from what he experienced, did that mean there were more?
He stopped himself from gasping, his head swimming as he leaned forward onto the desk, massaging his temples as that thought pierced his brain.
If there were more he didn't want to get involved. He should chuck the card away, throw it into a river and let the waters claim it. It'd let him return to a normal life, absent of all of this complicated stuff, and he could pretend it had all just been a bad dream.
But his hand wouldn't do so. The boy just could not seriously contemplate throwing the card away under any circumstance. Frustration built up like a dam in his chest at the realisation; why wouldn't he do it?
A flash of an unexpected thought greeted him, whispered into the corners of his mind. Even if he kept the card, did he really want to deal with any more that were out there? He didn't want to, but all the same…unbidden and unwanted, he wondered what it'd be like to hunt them.
Shirou shook his head vigorously, ignoring all his classmates and rubbing at his forehead, the piercing headache from before returning. Banishing all the useless thoughts and terror that came with them, he focused on listening to the lecture, forcing himself back into the civilian life he very nearly left.
Even as he did so, he hummed to himself, the far-off sound of hammer clashing against metal sounding in his ears.
To the boy who wanted to return to normalcy, it was an oddly comforting sound.
The mist that wafted in over Fuyuki over the course of the lazy day served Gray well. She had recovered from her spell of insomnia and dreadful apprehension to continue her task, pushing other thoughts to the back of her mind.
Swathed in her cloak and hood, the grey material blending into her surroundings, she was far more of a specter than a human.
She tried not to let it get to her even as her skin crawled like centipedes.
Gray shook her head, Add's cage rattling on its harness, as she swept through the Church grounds. Her eyes flitted between the modest Church building, the spire stabbing towards the dominion of God, and the rows upon rows of ghostly tombstones she could see.
Like aged milestones they roamed the grounds, not a single inch uncovered. She couldn't make out any of the writing on the eroded slabs, though some of the tension that had been building up over time seeped out as she wandered between them.
It was a familiar experience, and a comfortable one even if her skin refused to stop crawling or her neck to stop standing on end.
But the girl stared ahead at her target of observation after another glance around the tombstones. Darting behind a large and broad tree, the trunk browned from the ages of growing and vibrant leaves, she was perfectly concealed. Enough that she could stare out of her hood without seeming like more than wisps of chilled air.
Dressed in a red coat with a yellow scarf, Rin Tohsaka walked up the path of the cemetery. Unlike the energy Gray had observed of her in London and her, her saunter was far more cautious and…lackadaisical. As if this was something of great importance to her, enough that she could reveal part of her true self here.
Gray watched like a hawk as the Tohsaka, her features hidden by the angle, stopped in front of the church. For a few minutes she stood there, her gloved hands pulled into a taut and angered fist before releasing it, as if it wasn't worth the effort.
The hooded phantom kept up with Rin's pace, always staying a ways behind her as they blew through the rows upon rows of tombstones, the only remnants of those that had once lived in this city. Eventually though, the Tohsaka came to a sudden stop at a simple headstone.
Something uncomfortable grew in the pit of Gray's stomach as she glanced at Rin bending down at an immaculately polished headstone, the name of the person unable to be perceived. The smile that she caught a glimpse of was bitter and sweet, rather than bittersweet.
It was as if…Rin had known this person, and loved them fiercely enough she hated them for dying.
A pit of shameful comprehension grew in Gray's stomach as she turned away, regrettable shame bubbling inside her stomach at the scene she should not have intruded on.
Rin stood there, flowers placed on the grave, blending into the earth that surrounded it. She stood there for a long time, to the point she withered and blew with the wind. But after some time, the twin tailed girl turned and, with sadness etched into her body and eyes misty with malformed tears, ambled out of the cemetery and back into the freedom of her false life.
Gray turned around, removing Rin from her line of sight in order to give her privacy. Only when the crunch of her steps had faded did the girl allow herself to turn and to stare forward at the grave. She didn't move however, weighed down by her own indecision.
She was aware that Rin's father had died around ten years ago, it was something of common knowledge. But she herself had never talked about it; Gray had only found out through gossip.
Was that his grave? Or was it somewhere else?
Regardless, she turned away and walked further through the graveyard. She refused to intrude on Rin's life like that – it made her sick to consider it.
Gray glided through the graveyard, the familiar sights burning themselves fresh into her mind. The same tombstones, the same monuments, the same church...
Spirits gaping for her flesh. Blade cutting them. People praising her with empty smiles.
It was the horribly same place, with the horribly same atmosphere, even if this was on the other side of the world.
Gray blinked and stopped in front of a grave some distance from the church. She peered down; the headstone was worn down and eroded from the weather over the years, so she couldn't even see the kanji that would denote who was buried here.
How terribly sad would it be, to be forgotten like that?
"Tell me, do you mourn this person, child?" a deep voice sounded behind her. "Or is there another reason you come here?"
Gray whirled around, heart hammering in her chest and her hands twitching instinctively for Add.
The tension drained a little as she saw who had surprised her; a priest. With his long black coat, rosary and cross, as well as his somewhat tangled brown hair, he seemed like a quite normal one.
"My name is Kirei Kotomine, though you may call me Father if it is comfortable to do so," the priest—Father Kotomine—advised, lips rising upwards a little. "After all, it is a priest's duty to be confided in, and if such a way is for one of our flock, I do not mind."
Her shoulders dropped a fraction as he walked around her, bending down to lay a single flower at the foot of the forgotten dead. The way he did so reminded her of Father Fernando, and the pleasant memory made her retreat ever so slightly.
Father Kotomine stood beside her after doing so, neither of them talking for a moment. Gray kept her eye on him, however, shuffling her feet uncomfortably into the rough ground.
Realising he was still expecting an answer, Gray murmured to herself, "It's sad… being forgotten like this."
The priest nodded sagely. "Indeed. To die is to return to God and join Him in Heaven. But those we leave behind on this Earth…to be forgotten is for one's life to have meant nothing to anyone."
Gray said nothing as the priest turned to her fully, hands clasped behind his back. He was so much taller than her it wasn't funny – almost like a gigantic slab of a man. His muscles curled under his robe, like a coiled snake.
"What is your opinion of death, child?" he inquired with a raised eyebrow. "I have seen you walk through here as if it is familiar to you. Yet…I sense some indecision or discomfort. Would that be correct?"
Gray should have ended this conversation and left, it would be the right thing to do. But somehow, the priest's presence wanted her to confide in him, even if it was just a little.
"Death doesn't frighten me," she replied truthfully, a weight being lifted from the words, "but…those who die, I feel for them. How horrible is it to die and not be able to do anything about it?"
Kirei inclined his head forward in agreement, turning back towards the nameless grave that had sparked the conversation.
"Yes, but those who die are welcomed into the Lord's embrace, free of harm and doubt." The priest turned back to her, curiosity evident in his voice. "Would you believe in a life after death?"
Gray shook her head, something beginning to settle over her stomach, freezing it bit by bit. "I don't."
"And why is that?" Kirei pressed, his foot pushing forward just a little.
Even though the air began to stale and her heart began to tremor again uncontrollably, Gray licked her lips and answered him.
She could have told him the truth. That the idea of a life after death terrified her to her core. That the idea of wandering, alive but dead, through the world as a shapeless ghoul was the worst possible nightmare she had ever experienced. How could she believe in something like that, after all the training she had gone through back there?
In the end however, she answered him differently, concealing her utmost private thoughts even if some part of her wanted to give it away.
"I-it's hard to believe that a place like that could exist," Gray responded at last, stumbling over her words, even as the priest's eyes changed into something like a vulture's.
But regardless, his presence opened Gray to being honest with herself in a way, regarding her mission.
Her issues with the Class Cards had to do with something along those lines. For heroes born into the greatest parts of history, to carve their legacy into it and die in a fitting way…only to find themselves resurrected into the world again, blackened and maddened, their only outlet to kill others.
Those who die should stay dead, that was the one fundamental rule of the world that could not and should not be disturbed.
"Perhaps you are right," Kirei commented wistfully, as if recalling something from years past. "Perhaps there truly is no life after death, only the blank void of nothingness. But that does not matter to those left behind, does it?"
His eyes stared into her, stabbing right into her soul and pulling something out. Gray's breath hitched as she shuffled backwards, fear gripping her once more.
Run. Run. Run. This man is dangerous. This man will kill you. This man will use you.
"As well, you are not being entirely honest, are you child," Father Kotomine chided, his lips pulled into a smile that was small but no less demonic. "You fear that undeath, do you not? The idea of roaming this world, cursing those who bear what you do not, with nothing but rage and helplessness as your companion. It frightens you to the point of overbearing terror."
A sickening smile twisted onto his face, like he was enjoying this.
"But I raise you this: how do you know you won't suffer that fate?"
At that moment, in the deepest part of her soul, Gray understood Kirei Kotomine.
He was a monster. A monster in the purest sense of the word.
Her mind blanked as she scurried for the exit to the church, lungs heaving in pain and stress from the conversation. Gray ignored the tombstones, the trees and the church, and just swept forward to get out of there.
"Some advice, for your future. Ghosts are those that are weighed down by regrets and things they could have done differently. Are you certain you would not end up becoming that which you fear?"
His parting words, taunting and evil, faded into the fog, disappearing from view as a specter of malevolence as Gray continued to run.
Meanwhile, in an old residence that was almost completely forgotten, a remnant of a man's life locked away, something impossible happened.
In the courtyard of the old residence, against a shed that once harboured parents plotting to protect their child, something pulsed and pulled into existence.
The world twisted ever so slightly…as a card with a skull-faced Assassin manifested in its Mirror World, waiting.