.
.
Chapter 19 - Loneliness
.
.
This is the end of an era. It's pouring rain like the sky is crying, and the earth is cold and damp, but Kakashi remains seated on the ground in front of that giant stone. His eyes glued to the names engraved in it, his mind wanders some place else, with the man who's been the village's father for the longest time, who believed in him enough to give him purpose, find him his genin team.
What will happen now that he's gone? Who's strong enough to claim his title? And what about the unsteady foundations of Konoha? Will the next Hokage be able to contain the damages, protect the innocents?
Kakashi's always been too lazy to get involved in politics. But thanks to his years of service in the Anbu special force, he knows a lot, too much perhaps. He cannot ignore the ordeal with the Uchiha clan, nor the part the council played in it. He might not guess who they are considering as the next Hokage, but he knows damn well what they want for the village.
Nothing good will come out of this, and now those upcoming changes are threatening every member of Team Seven. At that thought, Kakashi runs a hand through his damp hair, trying to soothe his worries away by massaging his skull. Since the mission in Hinode and Wolf's treason, his uneasiness keeps growing. The seal on the woman's tongue can only mean one thing, but pieces of the puzzle are still missing.
Shimura Danzō is a ruthless man with strong opinions, yes. And Kakashi knows a lot about his Root, has even been part of it at one point. But although it wouldn't be surprising to learn that Danzō wanted Sarutobi killed, the silver-haired man has a hard time wrapping his mind around an alliance between the council member and Orochimaru. That man always uses the village's sake to justify his every action. But what good can the snake-like Sannin do to Konoha? Would Shimura plan an attack on his own beloved village?
If it means keeping the villagers in line, then perhaps, yes. Kakashi's always despised that clan supremacy bullshit, but he knows many members of Konoha's force aren't sharing his view on the matter. Terrorizing the commoners by summoning giant snakes in the streets, then showing them who's stronger by sending clan members to their rescue, that's brilliant when you think about it. And also scary for the civilian shinobis' safety. The village is already sending them on the worst missions, to which they are barely coming out alive. What will happen if Danzō becomes Hokage, then? If Kakashi's right, like he always is, does it mean Shimura will get rid of the little civilian shinobis left?
Kakashi grunts and slams a hand on the hard stone. He stares for a while at the rain running down the smooth surface and sneaking around his fingers. Then, he slides his hand until he finds one familiar name. With longing, he lets the tip of his fingers trace the curves of the carved letters, and memories of a smiling girl with silky brown hair and purple paint all over her round cheeks invade his mind.
God, how he would trade his life for hers, for theirs. Rin, Obito, Minato, they would know what to do, how to care for the village, for his genins. His name should be there, not theirs. Their lives brought so much more to the world than his. There is no point in denying it. After all, everything he touches dies. His hands were made to kill.
If he was alone, perhaps Kakashi would let a tear mingles with the rain running down his face. But even though he knows his stalker very well, there's a part of him he doesn't want anyone to see.
"Senpai," Tenzō finally says, breaking the silence. Kakashi glances up with the same bored expression he's wearing on every occasion. "You wanted to know if someone other than Team Seven were to visit the girl."
"Aa. Who is it?"
"The girl pulled the curtains, and I couldn't hear the other person's voice. I thought it was suspicious. That's why I'm here."
The silver-haired man nods at his friend, his heart secretly sinking at his answer. A second after, the brown-haired man has left the stone yard without a sound.
The hospital is close enough from where Kakashi stands, so he allows himself one more minute to stare at the familiar names. But his thoughts shift from the deceased brown-haired girl to the pink-haired one, and the need to move, quick, brings him back to the present moment.
He clears his head by inhaling deeply, then engulfs his hands in his pockets and leaves the dead behind, focused on protecting the living. As he makes his way up the streets, he ignores the shinobis dressed in black, their mourning eyes and their forced smiles. At one point, he hears Gai call his name, so he picks up his pace, rounds a corner and jumps to the nearest roof. From there, he reaches a tree right outside Sakura's hospital room and settles himself, intent on spying.
Someone has drawn the curtains, and just like Tenzō said, Kakashi can hear snippets of a conversation through the open window. One inaudible whisper sounds more like a rumble, but Sakura's crystal voice echoes perfectly in the vicinity.
"Leave them out of it. It's about me anyway, or isn't it?"
More rumbles. Kakashi leans forward, careful to stay hidden behind the leaves. The only word he thinks he gets, even with his chakra-enhanced ears, is "trust."
A bark of laughter resounds at that, confirming what Kakashi already suspected: that Hana's in charge.
"So, you want to know if I can be of any value to you," she says, recovering from her fit of laughter. She sighs. "I'll think about it."
Silence replaces the whispered conversation, and for a while, Kakashi stays motionless in his tree, his eyes shifting from the open window to the entrance of the hospital, then the rooftop. His search proves to be fruitless, however, and he can only guess who was behind the mysterious voice. Perhaps one of Orochimaru's minions, or even Danzō, for all he knows.
A sudden movement at the window attracts Kakashi's attention to the hospital room again. The pink-haired girl is now leaning against the windowsill, her eyes lost in the busying street below. The now opened curtains reveal a tray of food, untouched, and a bundle of tossed blankets.
After a while of staring, Hana drags herself back to bed, where she sits, knees up to her chest and both hands tangled in her unkempt hair. Her blatant torment reminds Kakashi of the girl's age, of her dark past and her loneliness. Fourteen is still young, too young to be lost and alone. He knows a bit too well about that himself.
On impulse, he jumps through the window, not even sure of what he's going to do.
"What the hell? What are you doing?" The girl stops halfway to her weapon pouch upon recognizing her sensei. In front of her panic state, Kakashi scratches the back of his head and sits on the nearest chair. "Sorry about that. I hate doors."
Her brows furrow at his answer, and Kakashi is glad he's wearing his mask when a mocking smile stretches on his lips. "You hate doors?" She slowly retreats her hand, but her shoulders stay tense.
He shrugs and takes out his book. "Yup. Entamaphobia, also known as the fear of doors... Guilty."
"How come it only shows now? I've seen you go through a lot of doors in the past."
Kakashi claps his book shut. "You're asking a lot of questions for someone who shouldn't even be in charge at the moment."
Hana crosses her arms. "I had something to do, but I'll be off now. By-bye."
"Wait." Kakashi gets up to grab the railing at the foot of the girl's bed. "Who were you talking to?"
"Oh. So you were eavesdropping. Nothing to do with that Emetophobia."
"Entamaphobia," he corrects with a smirk. "I'm find vomiting in public if you really want to know."
"No, I don't," she interrupts him. "Is there a phobia about nosy people, though? 'Cause I might suffer from it."
Kakashi rolls his eyes. "I'm not being nosy. You're being sneaky."
The atmosphere in the room shifts, taking all playfulness away in an instant. "Don't worry. It's fine. I have everything under control."
"Do you, though?" Kakashi takes a spot on the bed, near her feet, and sends her a concerned look. She avoids it by turning her head to the side and letting a curtain of hair cover her face.
His fingers itch, and he just wants to brush away the pink locks from her drawn features, but he refrains from doing so. He doesn't know how many times he will have to remind himself that she's not Rin. Neither Sakura nor Hana will ever replace the brown-haired girl. With a pang in his heart, Kakashi resumes reading, intent on distracting himself from his ghosts. Meanwhile, silence settles in the room.
He can see by the way she constantly changes position that something's up with the girl, so he awaits, nose in his book, the moment she'll decide to talk.
When she finally clears her throat, he's a few pages closer to the end of his book. He lifts one lazy eye to scrutinize her.
"Everyone knows now," she says, avoiding his stare. "Naruto isn't that stupid. He's noticing things. And Sasuke isn't helping. He's not careful around him."
"Well, I don't think he enjoys hiding things from his only friend." Hana grunts at that. "And anyway, what's so wrong about Naruto knowing?"
"He's going to act differently around me once he learns."
Well, that's just sad, Kakashi thinks, putting his book away. But it also confirms his initial thought: Hana's too young to be alienated the way she is, to be alone all the time. Even if she doesn't want to admit it, she's happy in Sakura's body. For once, people are treating her with care. But she doesn't have to be someone else to be loved, shouldn't think she needs to. How to verbalize that, though, Kakashi doesn't know.
"Maybe," he says, tentatively, "but then again, it's Naruto we're talking about. Who knows how he will react. It could be good for you. He'd be more willing to hear you out than Sasuke, that's for sure."
She holds his stare, clearly noticing the shift in his demeanour. "Who said I cared about that, anyway?"
And just like that, she closes up. Kakashi lets out a sigh but doesn't pry further on that subject. Instead, he returns to the matter at hand. "So, who was it?"
She tenses again and lifts her chin before speaking. "What did you hear?"
"Enough."
She narrows her eyes in front of his vague answer. "You didn't hear shit."
"That person wanted to use you. And you said you'll think about it."
"Tch. I told you; you don't have to worry about it. I will not risk Sakura's life or any other members of Team Seven. Like I said: I have it under control."
Kakashi gets up and walks towards the window, turning his back on her. "Still, you shouldn't consider being used by someone else."
"I don't!" He swirls around, startled, when she raises her voice. After a big inhale, she seems to calm a bit. "Say that to the other pink-haired girl. She needs to hear it more than I do."
"I'm not so sure about that."
Hana abruptly gets out of bed to stand right before him, her dark green eyes narrowed. "What are you doing? Don't act as if you cared. We both know you don't."
"I care about nothing and everything at the same time. That's the reality of a lone wolf, Hana. You should know that."
He stares down at her for a while, then places a tentative hand on her shoulder, but she instantly recoils from the touch.
"Get out," she snaps, pointing at the door. "Now."
"Can I use the window at least?"
"Whatever. Just leave."
She sounds so tired that he quickly stops teasing her. Instead, Kakashi stays rooted to his spot and sends her an unimpressed look. "I'll leave when I feel like it."
"Then I'll leave," Hana storms past him, but he quickly stops her and pulls her back by the arm. "Let me go."
He throws her on the bed, then sits back in a chair a few feet away. "Calm down. I won't stay long. And neither will you. It's Sakura's turn, after all." That seems to quiet the girl, and she finally leans back against the wall, arms crossed, eyes glaring. "We never talked about the whole thing with Kabuto," Kakashi says when he deems her calm enough. "Why didn't you tell me about Kaguya's book?" Her eyes slightly widen. "Sasuke told me."
She sighs. "First, I didn't trust you - and I still don't, by the way. Plus, I didn't know it mattered."
"Well, at least, now we know what to research. Is there something else I should know?"
"Oh, so now that someone else has taken an interest in me, you're willing to work with me. Weird. I thought you were too busy dealing with everyone else's problems."
"I was, and still am, Hana. I don't know if you've noticed, but you're not the only one struggling. We've been under attack, and the Hokage was killed. So yes, I'm busy, but that doesn't mean I don't care."
"Yeah, right," she says, playing with the hem of her hospital gown.
"Is that why you considered Kabuto's deal? Because I was too busy? Sasuke told me that too," he adds in front of her crestfallen expression.
"That fucking snitch," she mutters, eyes narrowing. "Did he also tell you he hurt us? Or did he only stick to my wrongs?"
"Yes, he told me that too," he says, scrutinizing her drawn features, his brain busy processing the meaning behind her use of the pronoun "us."
"Well, he never apologized to me."
Her comment startles him, and after uncovering his sharingan, Kakashi moves forward, caging the girl between his arms and boring his eyes into hers. There's a brightness to them he's never seen before, not when Hana's in charge, anyway.
"I never thought you'd want Sasuke's apology. What's that all about? Do you like him?" She scoffs at the question, but Kakashi only registers the darkening blush on her cheeks. "You're flustered," he states, pointing at her face.
She swats his finger away. "Because there's a grown-up man inches away from my face. What do you think you're doing?"
He leans back a bit but keeps his arms on each side of her rolled-up form. "Analyzing your reactions. There's something different about you." When she bites down on her lower lip, he leans forward again in alarm. "You have picked up a lot of Sakura's habits."
"No, I haven't." Her voice wavers, and she diverts her gaze.
"Hana, is there something you're not telling me?" When she ignores him by purposefully keeping her gaze on the door, he grips her chin and forces her to look at him. "Hana."
"I've noticed too, alright," she answers, irritated. "It's probably nothing, though."
"Both of your lives are at stake here. I would take everything seriously if I were you."
"Tch. I know that." Hana runs a hand through her pink locks and closes her eyes. "I like her, you know. She's selfless, she's smart, always knows what to say, always has kind words for everyone. She's beautiful too, delicate, unique. I thought I wanted her life. Turns out I want to be her. Maybe that's why I'm acting like her."
Kakashi frowns, a hand scratching his chin. "When did you realize that?"
"I don't know. Not so long ago."
After staring at the girl for a while, Kakashi rises from the bed to pace the room. Hana's right; it could be nothing. But the mixing of their eye colour is of great concern. What if that's what's happening? What if they are mixing? Merging?
Kakashi has made too many mistakes about that whole situation with the girls. This time around, he'll do everything in his power to help them, as Minato would do, and something he should have done from the beginning. His resolution made, he walks resolutely towards the window.
"Wait! Where are you going?"
"To the library. I have to make sure it's nothing."
"And what if it isn't? What if you have to separate us now or accept we merge?"
"I won't let that happen," he says, his hands gripping the windowsill.
"Even if it means I die?"
He freezes, a leg already out, and casts her a quick glance. "I'll find a solution, Hana. Trust me."
And just like that, he leaves the worried teenager behind, knowing very well that he didn't convince her in the slightest. Hell, he didn't convince himself either. If push comes to shove, he'll save Sakura, no matter the consequences, and they both know it. Her name should never fill the space on a stone. The world needs a girl like her more than it needs a second Kakashi, more than it needs a lonely girl, a lost, ruthless shinobi.
He killed Rin, has to atone for his sin. And that's his only chance at redemption. To make sure that this time around, the good girl doesn't die for someone else's sake.
[A/N] I'll probably update on Sundays from now on. Can you believe Summer's already over? At least, it means I'll have more time to write on the weekends. I'll need it if I want to work on a sequel!
Thank you for everything, dear readers.
M.B.